Work Text:
Fandom Trumps Hate (FTH): An annual online charity auction event in which various works or services (such as fanart, short stories written to prompts, formatting help, editing, etc.) are offered up by various fan creators from around the globe, in exchange for donations to be made by the winners of their auctions to selected charities. Typical bids range from a few dollars USD up to many thousands for high-demand services from BNFs (Big Name Fans).
“PUSTULENT, MANGLED BOLLOCKS!”
The windows didn’t quite rattle, but Anathema paused in her reading for a few seconds, listening to a Doppler effect of swearing that ranged from classic R-rated favorites to creatively improbable curses about people’s anatomy and mothers. Crowley flung himself seething onto the other side of the couch and stared at her, scowled, and flung himself up and off again, swaying down the hallway. His usual walk had at least some kind of stylish saunter, but when he was angry he stomped around like he was attempting to leave footprints on the faces of invisible enemies.
“Is this a generic ‘eat the rich’ moment, or is bidding not going well?” she called after him.
Crowley let out some kind of horrid pterodactyl screech. “It’s the Americans’ fault that Fandom Trumps Hate even exists,” he snarled. “The very least they could do would be to cede bidding on the really good posts to the rest of the world to atone.”
“Hey, American here.” she said without any real offense. He scowled at her and made an incomprehensible noise, so she continued.
“You literally know everyone on the internet. You could probably harass at least one of the writing types into scribbling something about one of your obsessions,” Anathema told him flatly. “The FTH thing is nice and all, but you’re getting, like, way too into it.”
“Anathema. You took a day off work just to stand in line to buy a book for a ticket to a raffle for a chance to meet that tarot card designer.”
“I could have won!” she defended.
Crowley let it hang in the air triumphantly as he stalked back into the living room, laptop in one hand. “My point stands. Also? My pride is at stake. No, no, you don’t get it. Ana, look at this bullshit.”
Crowley’s screen was crowded with so many tabs, they were simply clustered on top of the screen with no way to discern what they were. Crowley must have had them memorized, because he clicked from one to the other, giving Anathema only a few moments to see a series of truly stunningly high bids for what seemed to be rather innocuous offers.
“Six hundred for someone to read a story out loud?” Anathema blinked a few times in a row. Crowley sighed. “Yeah, not all of them are like that, but this guy just has just a stunning voice, and doesn’t really do much with the fandom these days, so it’s probably the only chance to get a podfic. Some of the fanbindings hit four digits in the first hour.”
“Crowley,” Anathema said slowly. “I know that you have your art printed professionally, so this probably isn’t what you’re bidding on. What is knotting you up about this. You did this last year and I think you were happier at having sniped the one you wanted with two minutes to go even more than actually winning it. What’s different?”
Crowley literally pouted, and rolled his whole head like he was trying to break his own neck to escape his thoughts. He clicked to show Anathema another tab that honestly looked like most of the others: someone with yet another inscrutable username offering to write a story about almost anything the bidder wanted aside from a couple of minor caveats. Crowley literally growled, and clicked a link, and Anathema winced as a sheet popped up with the current bidding war that was escalating out of control between a dozen usernames. “Ah.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s…that’s the monthly rent.”
“Yeah.”
“Is this person like, a fandom legend coming out of retirement for one last fanfic, and so everyone is going nuts, or…?”
“Naw, but they’ve never offered before, and they probably won’t again, and they’re a really good author who has unwisely offered to write for ‘any fandom’. Any fandom, Anathema. I can finally get this author’s fantastic metaphors and unsettlingly deep research binges into Regency muslin threadcounts and Victorian flower language to write in the Bond universe. I can practically taste how good the meta would be if this talented pedantic asshole got their grubby little mitts on the official timeline and fanon comparisons. If they can write a one-shot that can make me sweat about someone pulling on a pair of gloves, I can’t wait to see what they would do with bombs and a jetski.”
Anathema patted Crowley’s shoulder. “You remember I’ve been effectively cut off from the family money aside from the quarterly trust fund payments, right? I cannot give you thousands in pocket change as a gift. Also, saying this as a friend? You really can’t afford to blow—holy shit why did you refresh and why did someone bid against themselves?”
“Because Americans are the new Roman empire and are collectively lunatics,” Crowley grumbled. Anathema elbowed him. “And yeah, I know, I know. Just being salty about being outbid so fast on this one.”
“Good luck on your other bids?” Anathema offered wryly.
“Yeah. Good luck on your new astrology clients.”
“I have four Tauruses, Crowley. Four. There is no luck involved.”
FTH: Your high bidder has donated!
Inbox ☓
Email Sender ˂[email protected]˃
10:12 AM (1 hour ago)
to me▼
We’re writing to confirm that the high bidder for your fanart offering, RegencyDarling, has donated…
Anthony Crowley, marketing consultant extraordinaire by day, fanartist by night, and Bond aficionado literally every hour of every day, leaned back in his office chair. He had a reasonable following, but this was the first year he had offered in the FTH event, and it had been gratifying to see the bids stack up for a chance to tell him what to sketch on his tablet next. He typed out a quick reply with his Discord handle and told them to message him there with their art request, along with a vague thanks for bidding on him and supporting a good cause. He hoped they didn’t have any really bizarre demands. He had been pretty thorough on his blacklist, but there was always some yahoo who didn’t bother to read it or thought that they were too special or whatever.
He was about to click away from his fandom account when another message popped up.
FTH: Opportunity to Claim Lost Auction
Inbox ☓
Email Sender ˂[email protected]˃
11:41 AM (1 minute ago)
to me▼
We’re writing to inform you that due to several fraudulent bids, the auction for NiceAndPrecise fanfiction offering is now available. The remaining valid bidders above you in the spreadsheet have declined. If you are interested in claiming this auction, please reply, and we will hold it for you for 24 hours, pending submission of your proof of donation in the amount of your original bid.
“Holy fuck,” Crowley mumbled. He scrabbled at his keyboard and smashed some kind of affirmative reply, then leaped away from his desk so enthusiastically that his desk chair was left spinning behind him. “ANATHEMA! GUESS WHO IS WINNING AT LIFE!”
Thank Goodness & Thank You For Bidding-What May I Write For You?
Inbox ☓
Email Sender ˂[email protected]˃
5:42 AM (9 hours ago)
to me▼
Greetings,
I admit that the kerfuffle with my auction has left me a touch out of sorts, but I’m flattered that you were willing to bid on me, both initially and now once the dust had settled. Although my listing had word limits set by donation threshold, I would be happy to be upwardly flexible on them, especially if you had a particularly compelling prompt in mind.
Looking forward to writing for you, and thank you once again,
Nice
Re: Thank Goodness & Thank You For Bidding-What May I Write For You?
Inbox ☓
Email Sender ˂[email protected]˃
9:35 AM (1 minute ago)
to [email protected]▼
Hey,
Really glad that I managed to win by losing, somehow, but that sucks that people can be bastards like that. Hope it doesn’t put you off doing more auctions in the future. Not sure how compelling this will be for you, but I wanted a fic in the 007 universe, you know, James Bond? I know that you listed that happy endings are a must for you, and it would be great to see your take on Bond getting his happy ever after with one of the Bond girls (or Bond guy, actually, that would be fun). I’m a big fan of the Connery era, but I can be flexible too. That doable?
Ciao
Crowley knew that he was going to regret being alive in the morning, or, later this morning, but he couldn’t fall asleep and maybe staring into his phone screen that contained all of human knowledge and infinite distractions would help somehow. A Discord notification dragged him away from his doomscrolling, and he blinked slowly before clicking the icon and blearily tapping buttons.
You have a friend request from HolierThanThou. You have no servers in common.
Approve Deny
This is the beginning of your direct message history with HolierThanThou
HolierThanThou ()
Hello!
I’m just thrilled to bits to have won your auction. I have oodles of ideas. Your portfolio encompasses so many styles, I don’t even know how to begin narrowing down the possibilities.
It took Crowley a bit longer than usual to reply, his usually fast thumbs a bit hampered by his overheated phone screen and self-inflicted sleep deprivation.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Thx
Plenty of time to decide, you know, don’t stress about it
Anything that is like, a top priority? Like, in your perfect world where everything is idk sunshine and rainbows, Slithers would draw X?
HolierThanThou ()
Oh goodness. Well, that is a healthy way to look at it, I suppose.
Huh. Crowley hadn’t noticed the little green dot that said that HolierThanThou was online. Timezones were buggers. Who knew where they were in the world. Probably somewhere that this was a sane time to be awake and functional, and not Wee Hours Stupidity. Unless Holy was a morning person to an absurd degree.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Yup. This is a safe space, btw. NSFW is on the table, and I’m not gonna shame you if you have something kinky for your request. I will however shame you if you want me to draw a microwave or something, because complicated machinery was on my ‘will not draw’ list
HolierThanThou ()
I did notice that, yes. That list was how I surmised that you were an artistic talent that was equally wise in the ways of true priorities, because only a top-shelf fandom artist would have commission tiers for the number of individuals participating in an orgy up to and including double digits, but unequivocally refuse to consider drawing sailboats.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
THERE ARE SO MANY ROPES
HolierThanThou ()
There are frequently ropes involved in your group sex scenes, may I point out.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
That’s not my fault, and if I’m lazy, I’ll hide the shibari behind enormous dicks like the good lord intended, so I don’t have to draw it in any detail
HolierThanThou ()
I see. Then perhaps my ‘top-tier’ request might be a touch out of your wheelhouse.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Not a fan of dicks? I can do wlw or gen, too
HolierThanThou ()
That is most emphatically not the issue, but I do know that your typical pieces tend to be action hero scenes and suchlike. May I take this moment to state that your use of lighting is absolutely marvelous? Even static scenes feel as if they have truly been captured in a crystalline moment amidst chaos.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
I need a blushy emoji, or to be thrown into the sun
HolierThanThou ()
Pish tosh. Internalize the praise.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
How about I internalize the enormous dicks instead
Wait sorry that was kinda rude
Thx
I mean
I appreciate it
Crowley rubbed his eyes with his other hand and his head dipped before he jolted up again. There were new replies when he refocused on his phone.
HolierThanThou ()
You’re welcome.
Then for my art request, what would you say to a historical piece? You can draw handsome leading men as per your specialty, but perhaps a century or two in the past? I have such a hankering for a Georgette Hayer book cover with two gentlemen leads, in your style.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Im listening. Might fall asleep at any moment so heads up if I vanish, but listening
Re: Re: Re: Re: Thank Goodness & Thank You For Bidding-What May I Write For You?
Inbox ☓
Email Sender ˂[email protected]˃
6:53 AM (7 hours ago)
to me▼
Greetings,
I have attached a link to my general outline for the fic draft that I have come up with. You did say that you preferred to avoid spoilers, but I wanted you to at least have the option to see the broad strokes of what I had planned, if you like.
I hope your summer is going well!
Nice
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thank Goodness & Thank You For Bidding-What May I Write For You?
Inbox ☓
Email Sender ˂[email protected]˃
6:11 PM (3 minutes ago)
to [email protected]▼
Hey,
That’s really nice (ha ha see what I did there) of you to offer, and just as thorough as I would expect from the only writer I know who had a quadruple-nested footnote with APA formatted references in the author’s notes. I honestly do trust you, and you have my list of squicks. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the link, but I kinda want to be able to read the final fic with fresh eyes, if that’s cool?
Anathema was a pretty good flatmate, all in all, and they divided the chores and the rent because both of them were adults who were only sort of functional. Anathema had gone rogue from her crazypants family because she was crazypants in a different way, and she was doing freelance new age aura readings and suchlike to supplement the quarterly checks that she received from her trust fund (bloody rich people) that her late grandmother had set up for her and that she wouldn’t be able to touch herself until she was 35.
Crowley had needed a flatmate because it was London and holy shit rent was bonkers, and he was crazypants in yet another way, with his James Bond obsession and mischievous streak that sometimes went a bit too far into meanness and his social anxiety about that and everything else.
In general their collective damage seemed to play well together, and she was honestly a really good friend at this point.
Otherwise Crowley hated basically everyone in his life, with the exceptions of Anathema, Anathema’s boyfriend, Anathema’s boyfriend’s cat that somehow lived in their apartment and slept on Crowley’s face every night, and the baristas at the corner coffee shop.
Online, though, SlitheredNotStirred was a talented artist in the James Bond fandom, with folks who were just as excited as he was for rewatches and chattering about favorite scenes, and his pocket friends were what kept him sane most days. If only he had had them when he was a teenager, then maybe he would have grown up less warped, but oh well.
Crowley had a job, which paid him; a communally-owned cat, which tried to suffocate him nightly; a mid-tier art tablet, which allowed him to sketch explosions as often as he liked; and an oddly growing regard for both of his FTH buddies, which was confusing but had lit a fire under his creativity and his general mood. He was pretty sure that NiceAndAccurate was actually a hundred years old, what with the formal emails, but they were cool. Holy was a riot, and he was honestly considering asking them to join one of his smaller friend servers who would appreciate them.
Maybe.
HolierThanThou ()
Oh, you’re online! Lucky me. I had some questions about a possible new plot change for a fic I’m writing (wink wink), and without spoilers, wanted to know if a particular trope would be appealing to you.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Sorry. having a latching problem here. Brb
HolierThanThou ()
If you are still breastfeeding, I would like to direct your attention to the age minimums for Discord usage or alternatively I urge you to embrace the possibility of being weaned. Adulthood is not too late to try solid foods.
I have subsequently realized that you might not be joking, but possibly are actively helping your child to latch for feeding. If you are lactating, then take as much time as you need.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
hgviuhweouhs,sh
FuCK I just laughed so hard I think I actually pulled sm
HolierThanThou ()
🙂
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Noooo the baby is a furbaby and she was velcroed onto my pajama pants
HolierThanThou ()
The mystery is solved. Kitty?
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Obviously. Pic?
HolierThanThou ()
I am offended that you’re making that a question.
Of course I want to see the kitty.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Picture
Picture
Picture
HolierThanThou ()
Look at her sweet little face! ♥️
SlitheredNotStirred ()
She’s a demon don’t let her fool you
HolierThanThou ()
Her FACE
SlitheredNotStirred ()
You make a compelling argument. Amazing how you can be so right about this, so clever, so talented, and yet so wrong about the enemies-to-lovers trope
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thank Goodness & Thank You For Bidding-What May I Write For You?
Inbox ☓
Email Sender ˂[email protected]˃
8:24 AM (9 hours ago)
to me▼
Greetings,
If you celebrate All Hallows Eve, then I hope yours is marvelous. Although I doubt I will have any little goblin visitors, I am prepared with sweets, which will be appreciated regardless of how the night goes.
I wanted to let you know that your fic is now in the hands of my beta reader, and will be ready to post pending any minor edits. Do you have an Ao3 account? I would be pleased to gift it to you.
Thank you,
Nice
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thank Goodness & Thank You For Bidding-What May I Write For You?
Inbox ☓
Email Sender ˂[email protected]˃
11:11 PM (7 minutes ago)
to [email protected]▼
Hey,
I am so excited, you have no idea. I don’t have an account, I just read as a guest, but it’s probably time to actually get one. I just requested an invite, so I’ll let you know once I have a username. You’ve been really great about all this, so thanks.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
2893hsodufyhhfslnwhiushfwoieieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ncsuhelshdlshdshdsdsdsdsdhfyuuitiiooi099
’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’
SlitheredNotStirred started a call that lasted 2 hours ()
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Hey what the fuck
HolierThanThou ()
Oh, you’re back! Hello!
SlitheredNotStirred ()
I think Discord glitched
HolierThanThou ()
Your sweet kitty has been keeping me company while I write. Her purring is adorable! And she meowed back when I talked!
Did you have a good nap?
SlitheredNotStirred ()
What how did you know I was napping
HolierThanThou ()
I could hear you snoring and mumbling in your sleep when her purring was quieter.
I did try to say hello, but you didn’t wake up.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Cool that’s just cool great yeah
HolierThanThou ()
It was very cute!
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Ig she is pretty cute
HolierThanThou ()
I meant your sleep talking, but both are true!
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Thx gonna go bury myself bye
HolierThanThou ()
No, you are not permitted to entomb yourself until my FTH art is posted. The sketches are all so pretty!
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Fine I’ll live but I won’t be happy about it.
Gonna post on my Tumblr if you’re happy with the final piece?
I know you said you don’t have an account there, but I’ll post on IG and Bluesky too and copy the links here for you to see.
I’ll also send you the file so you can have the high-quality version.
HolierThanThou ()
♥️
Crowley hadn’t seen his flatmate in the past few weeks, which wasn’t exactly alarming but also wasn’t exactly normal. He knew she was there or at least visited, since food appeared and disappeared from their respective refrigerator shelves with some regularity, but it felt as if he was living with a ghost who snacked occasionally. He took advantage of the solitude as an opportunity to have raucous nighttime voice chats with some of his fandom server buddies, but although he wouldn’t admit it in a court of law, he missed her.
They did finally cross paths on a Saturday morning, both of them rumpled and semifunctional. Crowley made coffee for them both while Anathema made toast, and the cat serpentined around their ankles and generally was a trip hazard.
During breakfast the cat divided her time between their laps, being a happy loaf on whoever was warmest and purring intensifying every time she was petted. Crowley was just stroking her for the purring effect, not because he liked the cat or anything, it was just entertaining.
Anathema had found some new clients, a local medium who might actually become a business partner, and a specialty bookshop with a skeptic proprietor who had cheerfully shot down multiple conspiracy theories with sources he pulled from his shelves and outlined logical fallacies in her arguments using an actual literal chalkboard. She sounded like she was having fun, although exhausted.
Crowley got her up to speed on his work woes (a project with moving targets that had finally just been cancelled) and fetched his tablet from the living room to show her some of his recent sketches. When had he become such a homebody? His baristas probably thought he had keeled over from lack of caffeine. Maybe he should be a bit more social in real life?
When Anathema told him that her new bookshop buddy hosted several reading clubs, he was tempted for a moment, but passed. After breakfast she was out and about for the rest of the day, sending him gifs and memes on her mobile when she had time, calling him an old man. Rude. When she asked him if he was interested in an invite to another one of her Discord servers, he did agree, though.
#landing
Welcome, SlitheredNotStirred! We hope you brought pizza. ()
WitchPlease ()
Everyone be nice to my flatmate Slithers! He’s shy.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Fuck you you don’t know my life
WitchPlease ()
You let the cat have the last of your rotisserie chicken ‘because she looked sad’
SlitheredNotStirred ()
FUCK YOU HARDER
WitchPlease ()
Newt has that covered
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Ew. Do you have to be hetero in public? Right in front of my salad?
Maggnificent ()
Hi Slithers! Go react to the COC in the #rules channel, then feel free to introduce yourself in the #intro channel. Witch says all good things!
MilkChocolateBrown ()
Welcome! 👋
CoffeeCakeANDDeath ()
Hey Slithers, nice to meet you
HolierThanThou ()
Oh! Slithers! Hello!
SlitheredNotStirred ()
WTF
HOLY?
HolierThanThou ()
Good to see you! What a marvelous coincidence!
In other news, please immediately mute the #wip channel so that you don’t get spoiled. 🙂
SlitheredNotStirred ()
HOLY WHAT THE BUGGERING FUCK WOI83BXKSH
HolierThanThou ()
Pardon?
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Sorry cat
HolierThanThou ()
Entirely understandable. Please pet the kitty on my behalf.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
No she doesn’t deserve it
CoffeeCakeANDDeath ()
😆😂😆😂😆😂😆😂
SlitheredNotStirred ()
@WitchPlease Fuck you I can hear you laughing all the way across the flat
WitchPlease ()
I can hear you swearing. It’s like angry angry ASMR. Holy, do you think that you could talk him into attending the book club for that short story compendium? He blew me off this morning, which is why I came alone to today’s meeting.
HolierThanThou ()
Ah, well, that just means more biscuits for us. Perhaps next time we will be blessed with his presence.
@everyone Slithers is the one who bid on me for FTH! Do add your Ao3 to your intro, my dear, and I can finally post your fic, gifted accordingly.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Wait what
HolierThanThou ()
The James Bond FTH fic? We’ve been emailing for months?
WitchPlease ()
@HolierThanThou I think you just killed him. I heard a thud and then silence. RIP
HolierThanThou ()
Oh goodness.
Maggnificent ()
LOL
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Hey uh so
I might have not realized that you were NiceAndAccurate
HolierThanThou ()
Oh, really?
Gosh, I suppose that I did bid on you using my other email address from when I first began posting on the internet. I have a few usernames bopping around.
I thought you knew.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Swear to fuck I thought you were two different people
HolierThanThou ()
I apologize, truly. I did not intend to mislead you.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
No no
In hindsight the fact that you reposted my FTH art on Bluesky should have been a clue.
I got really excited about it, but didn’t put it together
HolierThanThou ()
In my defense, I did type out ‘what a wonderful gift for FTH, what a lovely piece to have received’ along with the precise prompt I gave you.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Yeah don’t rub it in I am unforgiveably stupid as a character trait
HolierThanThou ()
You are not unforgivable. I could have been more direct, and I did use another address.
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Just saw you posted the fic. Thanks. I’m just gonna go crawl in a hole and read it and never go outside again
HolierThanThou ()
I do hope not. If you’re not too uncomfortable, I would be so happy to have you join your flatmate and visit my shop.
I gather that it’s not too far a walk.
We can toast a successful FTH exchange?
A drink to new friends?
SlitheredNotStirred ()
Yeah that would be gd ig
The bell rang cheerfully as the old bookshop door opened.
“Oh good lord, stand right there, the both of you, and let me fetch some towels. You’re soaked through!”
“Thanks, Aziraphale! I lost grip on my umbrella in the wind and it sailed off into oblivion, and then this asshole didn’t want to go back, so we ran here,” Anathema told him cheerfully, because she was a menace who didn’t like to allow Crowley a single ounce of dignity. Crowley stared, shivering but wordless.
The bookseller bustled back, handing Anathema a fluffy towel, then pausing for a moment before tossing another one over Crowley’s head and drying him like a toddler.
The squawking and tugging ended up with Crowley buried in blankets in front of a crackling fireplace, holding a cup of tea and utterly bewildered about how he had gotten there.
An hour later, he was holding Aziraphale’s hand.
He kept holding it, off and on, in between meals and work and sleep and other unimportant things, for the rest of his life.