Chapter Text
CW: suicidal ideation is explored in this chapter. Although not explicit, Lucifer feels guilt and shame for having these thoughts, believing if he shares them, it will hurt others, leading to him distancing and isolating himself. If this makes you uncomfortable, please either skip this chapter or read with caution. You are not a burden if you are experiencing a mental health crisis. Lucifer’s behaviours are not healthy!
The lobby of the Hazbin Hotel is a place of great significance to both the proprietors of the hotel and its residents. For the residents, it was a place to mingle, communicate with one each other, and share inspirations and ideas. Unfortunately, unlike Charlie’s original intentions, those inspirations and ideas were mainly debauchery and various sinful activities, including brawls, casual arson, and a general disrespect for others. For the proprietors, it was a constant stressful experience, and managing the residents was an arduous and emotionally draining task. But there was one aspect of the lobby, that both divisions could begrudgingly agree, was the only grace and respite of life at the hotel. An ‘Unholy Grail’, so to speak. This was the bar.
It was also where Lucifer was currently residing. The bar was manned by the cat, although Lucifer couldn’t recall his name. Lucifer stretched over the bar to grab a bottle of his favourite – a fruity alcoholic beverage. He could not be served by the cat, as he was currently face down on the counter in an alcohol induced stupor. Although he made significant progress on his alcoholism, he had been drinking heavily in the weeks since the pretty spider sinner left the hotel. The grouchy barkeep let out little snorts of air into his fur, as a roach crawled over his ear. Niffty materialised over his sleeping body, her eye widening to alarming size, and the cat’s ear was only narrowly missed by Niffty’s needle as it crawled over the bar top.
Lucifer uncorked the bottle and took a few gulps. He enjoyed the burn as the liquid slid down his throat, carving warmth in his stomach. Alcohol didn’t affect his angelic constitution much, but he liked the taste and needed just about anything to dull the edge off the day. After Vox’s little announcement of his inability to harm sinners, some idiotic hotshots had been occasionally taking jabs at him. They seemed to believe that just because Lucifer couldn’t hurt them, they would be able to kill him. The notion was ridiculous, after all he was still immortal! Today he had to fend of ten of them at once.
In some of his darkest moments, when loneliness, guilt, and self-loathing twisted inside his heart, forming little roots that burrowed under his arteries, he may have wished that such an attempt would work. He would have welcomed slipping into darkness, for death to fill his lungs as he let out a last shaky exhale and slip into peaceful nothingness. But he would soon berate himself for the selfishness of these thoughts. Charlie would be fine without him, but she would feel guilt. She would believe she could have done something, sacrificing her dreams to keep him happy. But Lucifer didn’t want that. He didn’t want Charlie to feel as if she had failed him, not when she was the only thing that kept him from sleeping for the rest of eternity. And so, he admonished himself for these ideations and let guilt and shame force him to push these thoughts down and let them fester, rather than burdening others with his brokenness. He was shattered porcelain, and he would surely cut anyone who would cradle his sharp edges to their heart and try to ‘fix’ him.
And Lucifer would never let a sinner harm him, even temporarily, in his daughter’s hotel. He had to protect her dream and not taint it. Although Lucifer couldn’t use his magic on sinners, he could still use his magic to evade them and protect himself, and he could attack or defend himself using his physical body – he couldn’t harm sinners in Charlie’s hotel anyway. She wouldn’t stand for it. So, all in all, it was quite humiliating to be trapped in a protective angelic bubble, surrounded by raging sinners, while waiting for assistance from Charlie’s girlfriend, or worse, Alastor.
The little king growled under his breath. That dumb red deer! The bellhop wasted no time in belittling him at any opportunity, acting like a knight in shining armour while he rescued a damsel in distress. He could still hear the deer’s laughter after today’s situation, which involved much toxic goop from a reptilian sinner drenching him head to toe. It was a lucky shot, the sinner realised his affinity for ducks, and Lucifer was distracted while the lizard sinner snuck up behind him. Alastor mocked him for close to twenty minutes afterwards. The only consolation was that the stag ejected the sinner from the hotel. Painfully.
Lucifer scowled and took another swig of liquor. The truth was, his presence was disrupting the hotel, which was causing rising tensions between Charlie and himself. This caused reprimand from his daughter, and he was still highly strung from their brief falling out after his attempt to scare the TV-head, which she had apologised for, however left him feeling sensitive, like a wire freshly exposed. The TV incident dug into him like worms, festering in his abdomen and resurfacing with any disappointment from his daughter.
His reverie was interrupted by the telltale click of Charlie’s heels down the steps, and he perked up in his chair. Charlie caught his gaze, looked away, then steeled herself by taking a breath, before walking at a steady pace towards him. Her posture was strange, stiff and tense, decidedly un-Charlie.
“Hi, Dad. Um… Could we talk somewhere private, if that’s okay?”, Charlie said hesitantly.
Lucifer’s eyes widened, something about her tone put him at ill ease. He and Charlie didn’t have the best relationship, which caused a certain awkwardness between them sometimes, but they had been repairing it one step at a time. Charlie had learnt to be less nervous of asking for his help, but Charlie seemed scared? Or perhaps guilty.
“Oh! Of course, duckling, lead the way.” Lucifer hopped off his stool and followed Charlie upstairs. He felt eyes and whispers follow him, as the sinners cautiously cleared a path for the Morningstars.
Charlie led him to the counselling room, holding the door open with an awkward smile that he returned. The room was a plush space used for individual therapy that Charlie set up after becoming the hotel’s councillor. It inspired relaxation, with floral candles, pastels, rainbows, and motivational poster hung from every wall. Lucifer took a seat, crossing his legs, uncrossing them, before crossing them again as he fidgeted with the edge of his coat.
Charlie fluffed out her pillows, before taking a seat in her armchair. She took a deep breath, before launching into the conversation.
“So, Dad, I just want to say I’m so proud of you for coming and helping with the hotel”, Charlie chuckled nervously. “And I know we haven’t always had the best relationship, but I feel we’ve gotten closer, even though socialising isn’t exactly you strong suit, and I really appreciate that, I do. And…”
Lucier raised a hand, “Char-Char, honey. Take a deep beath please. I’m happy to help with the hotel too. What are you trying to say duckling?” He tilted his head in amusement at his daughter’s ramblings.
Charlie puffed out he cheeks as she inhaled deeply, before blurting in a rush, “I need you to leave the hotel, I am so sorry!”
Lucifer was taken aback. Sharp thorns dug into his throat, choking him, before their vines constricted his ribs in a tight and cold embrace. “What? Char, I know that I may not be… but I-“
“No! Dad this isn’t your fault it’s just… sinners keep attacking you, and property keeps getting damaged, and it’s stopping the redemption process.” Charlie flailed her arms manically. Her beathing was heavy and her eyes glazed. She intended to ease her father into this conversation, however when she was nervous her mouth ran ahead of her. Now she was terrified that her father would take this as a sign that she hated him or didn’t want him in her life anymore.
“I hate to do this but… I need to ask you to leave.”
Lucifer jolted. “Char, I- I’m sure I can work something out! I- Please!” His eyes filled with a thrumming pressure at holding back salty tears.
“I’m so sorry…” Charlie’s eyes grew watery, and her bottom lip trembled. “I wish that you could stay but… this is my dream. And I need to ensure it succeeds.” She ended her sentence with the resigned but assertive tone of a leader making a hard sacrifice for the good of the many.
Lucifer felt his stomach sink in heavy acceptance. He would never want to be an obstacle for her. He would never hurt her or hold her back… not again. It was better for everyone if he distanced himself. Everyone he tried to help ended up in worse conditions, from Eve and Lilith all the way to his precious Charlie. They couldn’t fix his shattered pieces, and they would only bleed if they tried. He was a burden, and he dragged Charlie down like an anchor. It would be better for her if he grabbed a knife and cut himself out of her life with vicious and desperate slashes. Then she would be free of him. If she could flower, it would all be worth it, even if in the meantime he was consumed by wicked and jagged thorns. Lucifer could at least free her from guilt and pity by making it easier for her to let him go. He forced a smile, even though he felt his guts wrench and writhe within him.
“Char-Char. Look at me duckling. Don’t cry. I am so proud…” His voice wobbled. “I am so, so, proud of the woman you have become.” He stood up and reached for her hands.
“You are diligent” He kissed her left hand. “Brave” he kissed her right. “And the kindest, most compassionate daughter I could have asked for” he said, before hugging her back and tucking his chin on her forehead.
Charlie let out a choked sob, curling her hands into his chest. “I know you are not doing this out of spite, darling. I know that this needs to happen and I’m so proud of you for voicing your needs.” Charlie let out a small whine. “I love you no matter what duckling.” Lucifer whispered.
“I’m sorry Daddy, I love you too. I just… need this hotel to happen! I need to help them, to prove to heaven that we aren’t all they label us to be! And I need to do this on my own merit.” Charlie let a soft exhale against his chest.
“Don’t you ever be sorry Charlie. Not for me, not for your fantastical dreams. I give you every blessing I can muster darling, so please don’t be burdened by guilt over this.” Lucifer sniffled, his voice breaking ever so slightly. “You shine… far too brightly for me or anyone to snuff it out, just like I did. So please Char, dream. Dream for me, for yourself, to make this pit a better place. Because if anyone can do it, you can. I’d never want to get in the way of that.”
Lucifer kissed her forehead again, smothering her golden locks in his affection. He wiped the tear building up at the edge of her sparkling eyes. He would do anything, commit any atrocity, to see those eyes keep on shining.
Lucifer gathered her up close to his chest, wondering how long it would be before he could be this close to her again. Yes, this was right. It was his duty to protect his daughter’s dreams, even if it meant tearing his flesh into ragged and rotten pieces on the sharp needles of his isolation.
“Don’t worry Char-Char. Your old man will be okay.”
They spent the rest of the next couple of hours holding each other, reminiscing over past memories. They clung to each other tightly as they laughed and cried and comforted each other in warm nostalgia. Eventually Lucifer left, promising tro send his last farewells the following morning.
-
Charlie sighed, closing her bedroom door behind her. Her father had left that morning, and the hotel already felt wrong without his presence, like a snug-fitting grave that was left abandoned and half-finished. Charlie’s eyes fluttered in exhaustion. Her steps where heavy as she walked to her phone. She picked it up, and with tired hands, clicked the number that she had called at least once a day for the past eight years. It rang twice, before she heard the static click of a receiver.
“Mum, I did it. He’s gone.”