Work Text:
I would die for you in secret
The entire atmosphere of the throne room felt so unbearably full that it almost took one’s breath away - almost as if some strange kind of reverence for what had once been still hovered directly beneath the high ceilings.
Through the tall stained-glass windows fell an almost cold light, breaking into muted shades of red and gold and flowing across the stone floor. Between the colored beams of light, dust drifted slowly and weightlessly through the air.
Everything here seemed to be reminiscent of a before - of a time long gone. Like, for example, those small memories woven into the heavy tapestries. Half-forgotten and yet so significant battles were embroidered onto them, as well as family trees that were meant to be preserved for all eternity.
As if they were the only thing that truly mattered.
And for some, perhaps that was exactly the case.
The scent of incense was so intense that it almost made him nauseous. And Sasuke could have sworn that something else mingled with its smell. Something he had never quite been able to describe. Sometimes he imagined that perhaps it was the authority and power his father radiated beside him. Cold, threatening and rising up against anything that dared to oppose it. Inevitably, a cold shiver ran down his spine.
Sasuke sat to the right of the throne. It was a seat that had belonged to him since childhood. A seat he had never truly had to earn. One he simply had a right to - a right no one had ever questioned and no one ever would.
That was simply how it was: The way it was supposed to be - assumed, predetermined and without any real choice. The way it always was when things were inherited: You simply could not choose what was rightfully yours and whether you even wanted it in the first place.
Sitting here beside his father, he behaved exactly as was expected of him and exactly as a prince like him had been taught from an early age: In perfect posture with a ramrod-straight back. Entirely dressed in fine, black fabrics. Around his neck the seal of the royal house - the crescent moon of the Uchiha clan -, seeming to catch the light with every one of his few movements.
His hands folded devoutly and almost piously in his lap. An expression resting on his feminine, immaculate features that seemed motion- and emotionless.
And so beautiful to look at. So endlessly empty and devoid of any spark of feeling, yes, but still very beautiful.
And what more could anyone possibly want from someone in his position?
His father was surely more than satisfied with him. Because Sasuke looked exactly the way he had been expected to look ever since childhood: immaculate, distant and almost untouchable. Untouchable to everyone except… -
Beside him, his father cleared his throat. The guttural sound tore him from his thoughts and immediately it seemed as though not only Sasuke’s, but every bit of attention in the throne room was focused on his father.
The king’s voice echoed through the entire hall and effortlessly filled even the smallest corner - including the ones inside Sasuke. Especially those. Whenever his father spoke, something inside him flinched.
When would he find out?
He pretended to follow his father’s words, even though his thoughts were occupied with something entirely different.
With him.
His father reported, as always deliberate and dignified, on some administrative matters that bored Sasuke: borders, unrest in the south and a skirmish along the road leading down to the river, which had since been brought under control:
“…an ambush near the lower pass”, said the king. His slender fingers rested on the armrest of the throne, “Rather poorly planned. In my eyes, they were very desperate men.”
Sasuke’s dark eyes must have seemed unreadable and - as so often - revealed nothing of what was happening behind them. Over all these years, his far too beautiful face had frozen into an expressionless mask, one he had needed more desperately than ever especially in recent times. Because while the words echoed through the throne room, something entirely different echoed through his imagination: The way his hands had felt against Sasuke’s back when he… -
The images that sent heat pumping through his veins were abruptly interrupted when the king added something almost casually. It sounded almost as though it were some rather incidental and entirely insignificant detail, yet Sasuke felt as if lightning had struck straight through him:
“One of the King’s Guard nearly perished in the ambush.”
Outwardly, he continued to sit there ramrod-straight - entirely unchanged in the way one might have perceived him. At least not yet changed - because in public, Sasuke usually managed to keep his composure. So he did not stir, did not move his head a single millimeter and continued breathing seemingly calm and evenly. As if what had been said were merely factual information that did not concern him in the slightest and had absolutely nothing to do with him.
But inside him, things looked entirely different.
There, lightning truly had struck - and everything within him seemed shaken, frozen, while only slowly a bright pain began to spread, traveling from the pit of his stomach through his entire body.
Nearly perished?
Beside him, they continued speaking seemingly unimpressed by that fact, as if this were about nothing of any significance at all, “A knight of the Inner Guard. Apparently took the brunt of the attackers, as I was told. Brave - and very foolish. But ultimately he managed to accomplish quite a lot. And held out long enough for reinforcements to finally arrive.”
Sasuke’s fingers began to tremble almost imperceptibly. Slowly, his gaze dropped to the slender, pale fingers. He almost startled himself at the realization that his inner state had become visible and pushed the dark fabric of his sleeve farther down to hide the trembling. His fingernails dug into his thighs, as if they might find some kind of hold there.
The Inner Guard?
And although his body had already understood what this was about faster than his mind had, now it truly dawned on him. And with the growing awareness of who this might possibly be about, his heart, which could not be influenced by any amount of instilled obedience in the world, began to race.
His brother, sitting on the other side of the throne, tilted his head slightly, “He survived, then?” The lump in Sasuke’s throat grew larger and larger with every agonizing second in which he waited for an answer.
Please, Please, Please - something inside him begged, even though he still did not know for certain whether it really was him. And yet something within him was almost sure that…-
“Yes”, their father finally said, “Though not without paying a price for it.”
The word price echoed painfully and far too loudly inside Sasuke’s head. What was that supposed to mean? What kind of price? He could feel the word forcing its way between his ribs and taking up space there in all of its agonizing, unbearable meaning. It felt as though it were spreading farther with every passing second and demanding more and more room until it pressed against his lungs and he could barely breathe.
Please don’t let it have been him. Please… - He could barely finish his own thought because one panicked thought seemed to replace the next. He could not stand this uncertainty. He had to know. But how, without giving himself away? He could not imagine being able to hide this worry - or rather: the rising panic - in any way at all.
But he had to. So he forced himself to breathe more calmly until his heartbeat had settled at least a little. And then asked in a voice that sounded as steady as he could possibly make it, “Who was it?”
With a hint of relief - if this situation even allowed for such a thing as relief - he realized that he sounded almost disinterested. As if this question, too, had merely been part of protocol or simply polite and appropriate. As if the answer itself were actually of no importance to him - and as if the mere thought of that answer were not turning his entire inner world into icy cold and hot, blazing fear at the very same time. Because he already suspected the answer.
Something inside him told him with a childlike certainty that it must have been him. Where else would this strange feeling have come from?
His father - the king - cast him a brief glance from the side. It was so brief that perhaps no one else would even have noticed it, but Sasuke immediately felt what lay within it. There was something in that short sideways glance that had so far remained unspoken: A suspicion. About something that was not allowed to be.
For a moment, a silence spread that felt endless. Sasuke’s heart immediately began to beat faster. For one thing, because he desperately needed to hear the answer - even if he might not be able to bear it. And for another, because he instantly wondered whether his father knew something about them.
Eventually, his father released him from the agony by saying flatly,
“Naruto Uzumaki.”
The name struck him like an arrow - directly and straight into his chest. Into his heart, perhaps even.
No, shot immediately through his mind. That could not be true - even though his uneasy feeling had not deceived him, something desperate inside him hoped he had misheard. And although he would have liked nothing more than to start sobbing or at least let his face twist, he remained completely still and motionless. Like an image of everything he had been raised to become and was expected to fulfill.
Without this mask, he would have betrayed his true feelings long ago.
Would have betrayed both of them.
And although seemingly nothing in the room had changed - the dust still dancing through the air in red- and gold-tinted particles, the same people still surrounding him and seemingly everything remaining as it had been - somehow everythingfelt different:
To Sasuke, the throne room suddenly felt too cramped, too stuffy and the air so thin and charged that nausea crawled up his throat. The bile seemed to burn everything it encountered on its way upward. Everything inside him seemed to lose its color and something began hollowing him out from within.
Naruto Uzumaki - his own personal bodyguard. His shadow, basically - trained to protect him with his life. His… - the thought broke off immediately, because merely realizing what Naruto actually was to him - besides his oath to serve the royal house and him -, made his eyes burn.
With tears that were never allowed to fall here.
“Apparently he disobeyed orders”, came the voice from the throne, “Supposedly he left his assigned position and drew the attack onto himself” - and once again one of those pauses appeared, dragging on once again for far too long. As if there truly were something unspoken between every word, something that apparently no one except Sasuke seemed to take notice of, as he realized with a hint of relief despite all the horror.
At least that.
At least no one here suspected that Naruto Uzumaki was more than merely his bodyguard. Perhaps he had only imagined his father’s glance?
He finally added, “His actions decided the battle, I will give him that - but it was unnecessary and dangerous. No one had ordered him to intervene in such a way.”
One of the advisors nodded and explained the situation in greater detail. His brother nodded thoughtfully and asked questions, but Sasuke barely registered any of it anymore.
Because he was occupied with this glowing-hot something spreading through his chest. It blazed like a fire, merciless and devouring as it spread. He had to force himself not to leap to his feet.
Unnecessary.
Unnecessary and dangerous.
Without wanting to, he imagined those exact scenes. The horrifying images ambushed him - almost the way the knights and soldiers themselves had been ambushed: Naruto simply charging forward even though he should have stayed back. Naruto throwing himself into the middle of the fight without hesitation and facing the enemy with complete disregard for reason. Naruto perhaps bleeding and later bravely smiling away the pain as if it were an inconvenience and not evidence that he had been injured. That his life…-
Almost imperceptibly, Sasuke’s jaw tightened.
Immediately, his thoughts returned to the fact that there had been a price for this intervention in the battle - what kind of price exactly? What had happened to Naruto? How badly was he really injured?
At once, his imagination added new images to those horrifying scenes, images that made his throat tighten. He had to calm down - and he would only be able to calm down if he knew how bad Naruto’s condition really was.
He swallowed hard. Took a breath, hoping he would not immediately give himself away. Not immediately give away that he was anything but indifferent to all of this.
“Will he still be able to serve us?”, he asked. His voice sounded too shrill even to his own ears. The fear he was trying to conceal as well as he possibly could seeped through every syllable.
Hopefully everyone would think it affected him only because Naruto was his bodyguard. At least that was what everyone here believed. What they did not know was that Naruto had long since become much more than that to him.
He had always wondered when the time would come - when the first crack in the walls of his self-control would finally become visible. Because he was not stupid. He knew perfectly well that Naruto was very much exposed to danger in battle - even if he liked to pretend that it did not bother him or as if he could simply forget that fact. But here, now, that tiny hairline crack suddenly grew larger and larger within seconds - and apparently became very noticeable, too. Because this time, the gaze from the throne lingered on him far more closely and intently.
Sasuke’s stomach rebelled and yet he returned his father’s gaze without blinking and without the slightest movement in his soft features.
He did his very best to look and behave exactly as he always had to here at court: As if he had been dead inside for a very long time already.
As if there were absolutely nothing there except the blue blood flowing through his veins and freezing everything from within. The blood that raised him above others and made him untouchable, even though at that very moment he felt anything but invulnerable.
His father took far too long to answer for Sasuke’s liking. Immediately, he wondered what that might mean for Naruto’s condition. Then he finally said, “No, he won’t” and for one second it felt as though the ground beneath his feet had started to sway.
Everything inside him froze instantly.
Panic shot through his bloodstream at a dizzying speed.
Oh my God.
No? What was no supposed to mean? Had they… - but his father continued before the thought could form into his very worst nightmare, “Not for the time being. He was brought back to the fortress and placed in the healers’ care. They believe he will recover after some time.”
He will recover.
The words felt heaven-sent. Immediately, his heart began to beat less painfully, even though it was still far too fast. Recover meant that there was nothing… too seriously wrong with him, right? That all of his limbs were still where they were supposed to be, weren’t they?
Quickly, he lowered his head as if to signal that he understood. In truth, however, he had to lower it so that no one could see his eyes. There was something in them now that had no place in a room like this - and that burned between the tears that had almost come.
Thank God.
Gratitude spread through him and washed away a large part of the panic. He would recover - at least that was something he could cling to until he was able to see Naruto’s condition for himself. When would he be able to visit him? How could he manage it if the healers kept him under constant supervision?
He did not dare breathe out in relief - on the one hand, he still did not know how bad his condition really was. On the other, he could feel painfully clearly just how closely he was being watched right now.
So he pulled himself together and fought to regain his composure, continuing to pretend that he was taking part in the conversation as usual while it carried on beside him, entirely unaffected: strategies, appointments and more of all those things that never seemed to change. A marriage alliance they spoke of only briefly, pretending that even something that serious meant nothing. As if it were the most natural thing in the world and hardly worth mentioning to have to give yourself away in such a way.
Sasuke was barely truly present anymore. The world felt wrapped in cotton. As if everything were incredibly far away and barely real.
Painfully real, however, was what all of his inner attention had fixed itself on: Naruto had nearly died.
And Sasuke had not been there to prevent it.
How could he have prevented it?
Because there - there, on the battlefield - was no place he could be. And there would have been nothing he could have done, even if he had wanted to. Because he belonged here - at his father’s side, where his loyalty was supposed to lie.
And inside him, the nightmare of what there would have been to prevent played over and over and over again - almost like a film proving who he truly belonged to. He saw Naruto’s lifeless body before him - how he had deliberately thrown himself into danger, fully aware of the consequences, and acted as if his own life were expendable and nothing more than a small price for the greater whole. A price he had been willing to pay without hesitation.
A high price: an entire life, suddenly over. Ended. Erased.
Sasuke’s chest burned like fire. His heart constricted so violently that he nearly gasped. Something inside him desperately tried to force everything back into its old shape: back into that dark chamber where he had been forced to lock his heart away for such a long time. And it tried to soothe him with the fact that Naruto was alive and that he would recover.
But even that only calmed him for a brief moment. So he surrendered himself to the horrifying images and at least tried not to let the way he was drifting away inside show on the outside.
After what felt like an eternity, the council finally dissolved and the throne room began to empty. He rose with seemingly effortless grace, the way he had been taught - or forced? - to do, bowed where it was expected of him and excused himself eloquently but with few words.
When he finally found himself in the narrow, dark corridor behind the hall - where barely any light reached and he could half-disappear into the safety of the darkness -, his facade collapsed once and for all. And with it all that composure he had secretly suffered beneath for as long as he could remember.
What emerged was a truth he could not bear and that tore a muffled sob from him: Naruto had once again been forced to put himself in danger - and had had no real choice but to do exactly that. Because that was what he had sworn to the kingdom - and therefore to his father and ultimately to him. He endured pain and injuries for a world that would never allow Sasuke to truly belong to him. Naruto had - and this hurt most of all - unnecessarily risked everything without perhaps taking even a single second to wonder whether Sasuke would be able to endure his loss at all.
His slender fingers curled into a fist and he felt the urge to strike the stone wall in front of him. Instead, he clenched his teeth so tightly that they began to hurt.
Because the fact that he had been so reckless even though it had not even been necessary and no one had ordered him to do it made the anger boil hot inside him. How could he? How could he silently and so damn obediently endure all of this? All the pain, all the suffering for this goddamn kingdom that denied them everything they longed for. How could he devote himself to something that did not care about him in return at all? Something that expected him to risk his precious life again and again?
Anger was much easier for him to bear. But beneath it lay something else, something far more difficult to endure and yet impossible to deny: naked fear. Until today, Sasuke had thought he understood the concept of fear quite well - fear that someone might discover their secret relationship, what that scandal at court would mean for him and especially for Naruto… - but this sheer panic had nothing to do with what he had understood fear to be until now.
It felt as though his entire inner world were shivering from the cold, desperately searching for some kind of solution while at the same time wanting nothing more than to hide in some corner. The next moment, he was so charged with panic that he could barely breathe and wanted nothing more than to run far away. Toward him, so he could somehow calm down. And away from all those images of what might happen to Sasuke himself if Naruto did not return the next time. If he… -
He gasped desperately for air. And suddenly, the tears and trembling could no longer be suppressed. He pressed one hand to his chest as if he might calm his heart that way, beating so fast it made him dizzy. The other he pressed over his mouth, as if he could force the sobs rising up his throat back down again.
And so he gave in to the fit of crying that overtook him.
It took quite a while before he had his emotions sufficiently under control again. Until the trembling had subsided and the tears had dried. And until he felt certain enough that no one would be able to see what had just broken free from somewhere deep inside him. Only then did he feel capable of leaving the safety of the dark corridor and moving through the castle as though everything were exactly as it always was.
As if absolutely nothing had happened.
And as if he had not been terrified for the life of the only person he truly loved. The only person who truly felt like home - as he realized when his dark eyes moved over the cold, lifeless stone around him.
Naruto.
With every step he took through this castle, a place that had never felt like home, memories of Naruto shot through his mind. Every single one of them had been forced to happen in darkness and yet they still sent something warm and bright flowing through his chest. That current carried the terrible fantasies of what might have happened to Naruto away for a moment:
Naruto’s hands at his waist in a secluded passage meant only for servants. The sharp intake of breath when Sasuke had pushed him against the cold stone wall and hissed a warning he had never really meant - a We mustn’t, that he secretly always hoped Naruto simply would not take seriously. A We mustn’t that Naruto, thankfully, had never taken seriously either. Instead, he had smiled gently and with such unbearable devotion. That devotion sometimes gave Sasuke the feeling that he could do anything he wanted with Naruto. And not merely because Naruto was subordinate to his prince. Because every one of Naruto’s gestures carried that very same I know we aren’t allowed - that above all, I am not allowed to have you. And yet there is nothing I want but you.
He had to stop abruptly and take a trembling breath when he thought of their secret relationship - the one that unfolded during all those nights when the kingdom seemed to be asleep and they were finally able to be together. Nights in which they loved one another without leaving traces behind - at least no visible ones. But inside him, it had left unmistakable marks.
It was difficult for him to show Naruto just how deep those really went. And sometimes it seemed as though the blond always kept exactly that in mind - always leaving Sasuke the choice and the decision of when they were allowed to be close and when they were not. When he wanted to and when he did not. But, if he was completely honest with himself, the latter had never happened since the first time they met.
Because he wanted Naruto more than anything else.
Even though he had been promised to Sakura since childhood. Of course one of those seemingly meaningless political contracts had been made about him as well. One of those apparently necessary but correspondingly loveless alliances that simply came with it and ensured that his future was just as predetermined as the histories woven into the tapestries in the throne room. A path he was expected to follow - a role he was expected to accept.
One day, he too would be immortalized on one of those tapestries.
Imprisoned, more like - he thought, feeling a bitter taste spread across his tongue. Simply weaving his life into that heavy wool without ever asking him, full of force and constraint.
But ever since Naruto had entered his life, everything felt different. As if perhaps there really was another kind of life - one that had nothing to do with these roles he had never chosen for himself. Naruto had become a constant and carried so much meaning that the mere thought… - Sasuke bit the inside of his cheek, as though he could somehow change what he had just learned:
Naruto had nearly died.
Everything inside him flinched. What would he do if Naruto really… - No, he told himself. He had not died. But the mere fact of what those few words triggered in him physically and how completely they flooded him with emotion left no room for doubt about what Naruto had become to Sasuke by now.
He had to see him. He had to convince himself in person that Naruto was alive and still in one piece. Until then, the panic inside him would not settle.
He had a vague idea of where he would find Naruto.
And it certainly would not be with the healers, if he knew Naruto at all. It would be in the courtyard, where he often stood guard and made sure no one came too close to Sasuke.
No one except him.
-
And in that very courtyard, Naruto stood guard and squeezed his eyes shut for a brief moment. The sun was shining down so brightly that it almost hurt his eyes. And yet its rays felt soothing and almost comforting - like an embrace. He was well aware that he really had no business being out here, really should not have reported for duty and that his commander Kakashi would not be happy about this at all either. Really, he should have listened to the healers, remained in their care and rested.
Really.
Naruto took one deep breath before letting the air escape heavily.
But he had not been able to remain lying in that bed for even a single second. He had not been able to resist the urge to do at least something. Something so that he would not have to be alone with his thoughts. And would not have to feel at their mercy all over again.
He let his gaze wander across the small courtyard, where ivy climbed the stone walls warmed by the sun. Its leaves moved gently in the light summer breeze. By now, late afternoon had arrived and he had still not seen Sasuke anywhere, he realized with discomfort and nervousness.
He had thought that… - he forbade himself the thought faster than he could finish it. Because after all, it was not his place to think - or even want - something like that in the first place. Instead, he looked toward the fountain quietly splashing away in the middle of the courtyard, its water softly bubbling to itself.
Lost in thought, he first ran his fingers through his blond hair before placing his hand on the hilt of his sword and sighing heavily.
Hours earlier, at dawn, they had removed his battle armor just to be able to examine how serious the injuries inflicted on him actually were. They had been able to wash the blood, grime and dirt from his skin. And they had been able to bind fresh linen bandages tightly around his ribs and the cleaned wounds. But the pain beneath all of it was something no one could take away from him.
The bandages were wrapped so tightly around his chest that every single breath reminded him just how goddamn close it had really been.
Close enough for it to finally matter - even though he would probably never say that last part out loud. It was far too shameful, far too needy and, honestly, made a merciless kind of self-hatred flare up inside him whenever he thought about how desperate the whole thing really was. How stupid, above all.
As if to prove it, he moved his arm carefully and tested how far he could still move his shoulder at all. He flinched immediately. A broken gasp escaped him and a pained expression spread across his features.
Alive, then.
That was what mattered, wasn’t it?
At least that was what his comrades had said. And the healers who had taken care of him as well - but did he himself feel the same way? Did he even see the whole thing in the same way?
To be fair, in the moment when he had moved to the very front line, he had not had anything remotely like that thought. There had been nothing inside him saying: All that matters is my life - and holding onto it even in the slightest. He twisted his mouth. No one had ordered him to carry out that dangerous maneuver and put himself in so much danger. Afterwards, he had stared into Kakashi’s disbelieving eyes when the other man had pulled him up from the ground at the end of the battle.
He had simply tuned it out when Kakashi had made it very clear to him that things could have ended differently. He knew that better than anyone. He had known it when he moved forward and drew his sword.
For one brief moment, he had genuinely become afraid. Namely in the moment when he found himself in real danger and suddenly caught between two things whose boundary was thinner than he had ever understood before.
Between what really should have mattered most: life - and death, which had come so close to him within seconds that he could still feel that icy sensation in his chest whenever he thought about it.
He shook his head almost imperceptibly, as though that might rid him of the memory of all that blood and the sounds that came with it. But there was the crystal-clear memory of finding himself pinned beneath an enemy and surviving only by sheer luck.
Afterwards, he had tried to convince himself that he had not thought about Sasuke in that moment. Or at least that he had not done so consciously, if it really had happened.
Even though he had long since known the truth about his feelings for the young prince, what he had thought in that moment filled him with shame. He lowered his gaze toward the ground and breathed out heavily once again.
Just admit it to yourself, something inside him said. It sounded sharp and reprimanding. He twisted his mouth again. Yes, he replied inwardly. Fine, yes, it was true that he had wanted to know.
Immediately, he pressed his lips together as though he had just made some kind of confession even inside his own thoughts. A confession about something he would have preferred to keep secret even from himself. Something he would have preferred to hide somewhere deep inside and bury beneath all the loyalty he had sworn to the kingdom and could now so conveniently invoke.
But the question had been there all the same. The one that had been burning under his nails whether he wanted it to or not. And one that was directed at someone else and that he barely knew how to answer for himself, as embarrassing as it was:
Would he even care? Would he … be sad?
Would the prince - his prince, no less - even notice if he were gone? If he had not returned from the battlefield and had… actually died there?
An ice-cold shiver ran down his spine. Immediately, the muscles of his battered body tensed until his broken ribs made themselves painfully known. Confronting him in that way with the consequences of his own actions. Slowly, he tried to breathe against the pain, which in a strange way felt familiar to him. He was used to pain. Pain was like an old friend, familiar and reliable in the way it came - and yes, left again too.
The fact that he even carried questions like these inside him was improper.
What he thought did not really matter anyway, did it?
He was always only a knight. A member of the royal guard. And this was his fate. At least he had been allowed some say in that fate when he had sworn to protect the kingdom and not question things. Not to doubt, but to serve and certainly not to spend his time searching for proof of something as selfish as his own significance.
Or for proof of love.
He bit his lower lip. Now he was doing it again. How could he be so foolish and so shamefully full of longing for some kind of proof from Sasuke?
He had no right to that.
And yet, when he heard the quiet, measured footsteps drawing closer and did not even need to turn around to know who was crossing the courtyard, a fluttering feeling of being meant spread through him. He knew this aura inside and out. This aura that always seemed to charge the atmosphere so intensely that everything felt like a bow drawn far too tightly. Ready to fire - a shot that always struck him straight in the chest. Ready for something that stole his breath every single time.
Did he come to see me?
Once again, one of those hopeful and unbearably needy thoughts he was not allowed to have and should not have.
The footsteps stopped shortly behind him. And Naruto could hardly deny that his heart gave a small leap when he said “My prince” and turned toward Sasuke, bowing despite the pain, as was proper.
His voice may have sounded the same as always, but inside, the mere sight of the other man made him tremble.
He stood only a few steps away. His pitch-black hair formed a sharp contrast against the pale stone of the courtyard, his hands clasped behind his back and the same expression as always resting on his features: composed, distant and completely unreadable to anyone who did not know exactly what to look for. But by now, Naruto knew exactly what to look for.
And what he saw when he straightened again did not please him.
And at the same time, it was exactly what he had hoped for.
Something angry, wounded and above all worried flashed in the darkness of Sasuke’s eyes. A muscle in his jaw twitched almost imperceptibly when he said,
“You should be resting.”
None of the concern that had briefly flickered in his eyes could be heard in his voice. Quite the opposite. Because there was something sharp and controlling in his tone. It almost sounded like a reprimand.
Naruto tilted his head slightly and simply replied, “I am perfectly capable of standing guard here.”
He swallowed a defiant As you can see. After all, there was still that longing pull in his chest because he was grateful that Sasuke had come to find him.
The other’s gaze flickered only briefly toward the bandage peeking out beneath Naruto’s collar.
A deafening silence spread between them. It seemed to contain everything neither of them could say. Neither here outside, beneath a sky that did not belong to them and never would, nor at any other moment.
And that was exactly why Naruto needed to hear it so desperately. He wanted - he needed - reassurance of Sasuke’s feelings for him. He could no longer… -
Sasuke interrupted the thought when he said quietly, “You disobeyed orders.” Suddenly there was something else in those words - something that made Naruto’s heart beat faster.
His mouth reflexively curved into a faint smile that would surely make Sasuke angry and he murmured an almost matter-of-fact, “I did what was necessary. Exactly as my duty requires.”
And just as he had expected, Sasuke’s jaw tightened. And that was exactly what Naruto had secretly hoped for: An argument. A confrontation that would somehow prove to him that Sasuke truly cared about him. More than the prince could admit or was allowed to admit.
No matter how guilty he might feel. No matter how ashamed he was of this childish behavior: He needed to feel that Sasuke wanted and needed him in that way.
-
Although Sasuke did not raise his voice, anger seemed to pour from every pore. Although every word was chosen carefully and deliberately so he would not simply blurt out what he was really feeling, every word was soaked in anger and venom.
“That is not for you to decide”, he replied and felt how furious all of this made him, “Your commander - Kakashi - decides what is necessary. And from what I heard, he had stationed you at the eastern gate.”
Naruto did not look away. He merely shrugged carelessly - and caused the rage inside Sasuke to begin boiling over. This indifference toward his own life left him speechless. And this indifference toward the meaning his life held for Sasuke even more so.
“The attack shifted”, the blond replied in a flat voice. Did none of this matter to him at all? Sasuke wanted nothing more than to grab him and shake him until he finally came to his senses.
“You shifted it”, Sasuke corrected him and noticed his voice beginning to tremble, “Even though no one asked that of you.”
And once again there was this deep, all-encompassing silence settling between them and making everything else sound too loud: Suddenly the fountain seemed to be splashing far too loudly. A startled bird flew above them, beating its wings noisily. It disappeared with a croak behind one of the large stone walls surrounding the courtyard.
Naruto breathed out slowly and deliberately through his nose. It sounded almost resigned and strangely devoted, Sasuke thought.
“My prince”, Naruto merely murmured and Sasuke suddenly became aware of the ambiguity of those two, small words. It was not just a title Naruto used to submit himself to him. Not merely a form of address that had just left his lips with a discouraged breath. It was exactly what Sasuke was to Naruto: His prince.
“I would make the same decision over and over again”, he added after a brief pause. And immediately Sasuke’s fingers cramped behind his back. His fingernails pressed into the pale skin and he clenched his teeth even harder. Shaking his head slightly in sheer furious disbelief.
Again.
What was he trying to tell him with that? How could he be so reckless? So irresponsible?
“You almost died”, Sasuke hissed. The sentence had slipped past his lips before he could hold it back. It sounded accusatory, horrified and revealed far more than Sasuke had intended. Immediately, he bit the inside of his cheek. He could not afford an emotional outburst - not out here, where anyone could see them and perhaps even hear them.
Naruto’s eyebrows drew together slightly, “But I’m still here.”
Was he pretending to be stupid? Surely he could not be that slow?
“But you would have died”, Sasuke replied much more sharply now, “if help had arrived even a single moment later.”
Naruto shrugged his shoulders again. This time the movement was noticeably more careful and clearly restricted by pain. Once again, in that flat voice that made Sasuke furious, he said, “But it didn’t.”
When one shoulder began to lower, a hint of pain flashed across Naruto’s features - and immediately the anger in Sasuke’s chest swelled again.
How could he have done that? And how could he dismiss the whole thing so… easily now? And above all dismiss Sasuke’s concern for him like that?
Before he even realized it himself, he had already taken a step toward Naruto. It must have been his unconscious that had driven him forward - to finally make him come to his senses, to look into those blue eyes and make sure he had not perhaps suffered a head injury that could explain this apathy.
And so the distance between them shrank to almost nothing - and therefore to something far too dangerous here in public. But Sasuke could feel that he no longer cared. He could not believe Naruto could be so cold about all of this.
Although they were not touching, Sasuke stood close enough to see the fine sheen of sweat glistening at Naruto’s temple in the sunlight, the individual freckles across his cheeks and his tense jaw and to hear his labored, constricted breathing.
How could he possibly make Naruto see reason?
“You speak about it as though it were nothing”, Sasuke said quietly and noticed just how much his voice had begun to tremble. Still, he added, clearly hurt, “As if your life were only some minor inconvenience.”
For a moment, he thought he had reached Naruto, because the blue eyes seemed to darken - but then he replied with a “My life belongs to the kingdom”, that almost made Sasuke see red.
“No”, Sasuke said immediately. The pulse beneath his ivory skin raced as he practically spat the word. What was wrong with him?! Trembling with anger, he managed an “It is your life” and emphasized the last two words almost desperately.
And Naruto froze for a fraction of a second. But whatever had briefly passed over his face was immediately brought back under control. Not quickly enough, however, to hide it from Sasuke.
I knew you weren’t completely indifferent to it.
What had he intended with that? Had he actually wanted Sasuke to… - Sasuke swallowed hard. What exactly did Naruto mean when he said that his life belonged to the kingdom? Was Sasuke himself not also part of that very kingdom?
Slowly, an idea began to form of what this was really about. Suddenly, he understood what kind of loyalty this might actually be.
He needed to know whether he was right.
“And yet you still left your post”, Sasuke continued in an unrelenting voice, “You deliberately exposed yourself to danger. You chose to go there.”
The blond continued to hold his gaze, and yet there was something in those blue eyes Sasuke could hardly believe - Does he seriously want me to … - but before the suspicion could even take shape, Naruto had already answered.
“I chose…”, he began, but his voice seemed to dry up. He swallowed hard before adding, “to protect.”
It sounded less than convincing and a sharp, disbelieving laugh escaped Sasuke, one that sounded bitter even to his own ears.
“And who? Who did you want to protect in that way?”, Sasuke demanded to know, “The crown? The fortress? Or me?”
The last part had slipped out and he almost regretted it. But Naruto’s reaction was at least the confirmation he had needed. Almost as though he wanted to prove Sasuke right in his assumption, his breath caught briefly.
Or was it because Sasuke had acknowledged their relationship to one another for the first time at all? And here of all places?
“My prince”, Naruto said again, quieter this time. It sounded like a warning when he carefully added, “You should not…-”
“You also do not have the right to decide what I should and should not say”, Sasuke interrupted him immediately. His self-control was fading with every second that passed. This facade of the cold and composed prince they had trained into him was crumbling at the very same pace and the hot, burning anger was pushing through the cracks.
Naruto should absolutely feel what Sasuke thought about him doing something like this - and doing it deliberately. Just to prove something to Sasuke? Or to get some kind of reaction from him?
“You cannot risk everything and then hide behind your obedience afterwards just because it suits you”, Sasuke whispered angrily.
Naruto’s jaw tightened even more - so much that it almost hurt to look at, when he replied, “I am not hiding.”
“Oh no? Then what exactly are you doing?”, Sasuke’s voice was truly trembling with anger now and he stepped even closer - perhaps only millimeters separated them anymore, because suddenly he could feel Naruto’s hot breath against his lips when he hissed, “Because from where I’m standing, it looks suspiciously like you wanted to die.”
Immediately, the blue eyes dropped toward the ground - almost as if Sasuke had seen straight through him. Naruto’s voice became quiet and pained when he whispered, “That isn’t true… - and you know that perfectly well, Sasuke.”
He almost choked on the accusation already sitting on the tip of his tongue. Had Naruto just said his name? His dark eyes widened and for a moment he froze. It was above all the way he had said it that made his heart beat so violently that he wondered whether Naruto could hear every single beat? Could he feel Sasuke’s battered heart, so full of fear and love, beating against his own bewildered chest when they stood this close to one another?
Breathlessly, he managed a “Then say it.”
He barely knew himself what he meant: Say that you wanted me to come check on you. Say that you wanted me to tell you that I… -
But Naruto hesitated. Perhaps it was only a fraction of a second, perhaps only half a beat of Sasuke’s far too loud heart - and yet that one millisecond felt like a slap. Like confirmation of something that frightened Sasuke even more than the possibility that Naruto had wanted to test him.
He no longer wanted to wait for the missing answer and repeated it once more, “Just say it“ - it sounded almost pleading when he added, “Say that your life means something to you.”
Please, he added in his thoughts.
But Naruto did not react again. He merely swallowed hard.
Oh my God, shot immediately through Sasuke’s mind.
His stomach clenched violently and suddenly he felt dizzy. He really did… - but the thought was too unbearable to finish.
And once again there was nothing but the splashing of the fountain, the rustling of the ivy in the wind and somewhere in the distance the voices from the castle, where life simply carried on. As if what was happening between them here were utterly meaningless and not something that was pulling the ground out from beneath Sasuke’s feet.
Please, just say it, something inside him begged.
Naruto sighed when he seemed to find words again, “What I give my life for means something to me.”
That answer hit him harder than he had expected. It was so simple. So plain and so unbelievable that Sasuke stared at him with wide eyes.
He immediately wanted to ask: And what is that? And much more than that, he wanted to ask: Is it me?
Or did he mean the kingdom? Whatever it was - it felt almost unbearable that Naruto’s life seemed to depend on a purpose. That he defined it only in relation to something - and to someone. He knew that already, really, he told himself. He knew that Naruto had sworn an oath. But he had never allowed himself to question that oath so closely - because it frightened him. And it turned what existed between them into something that felt even more complicated than it already was.
“Sasuke”, Naruto began again and briefly lowered his gaze before lifting it once more - and there was something so sincere in that blue that it made him gasp for air.
“No”, he cut him off and immediately it burst out of him, “You would simply leave me behind like that, yes?” - his stomach cramped painfully and he shook his head in disbelief, “Without any warning? Without giving me any choice at all?”
Naruto shook his head as well, though firmly and in horror, “No, never.”
“Yes, that is exactly what you would do - exactly what you tried to do”, Sasuke hissed and his heart beat all the way into his throat as he continued, “You would simply make a decision for both of us. You let yourself be taken away from me and afterwards you call it honor. Talk about the kingdom when next time you might not even be able to talk anymore.”
Naruto’s hands slowly curled into fists. Sasuke’s gaze briefly dropped to the fingers that looked battered and injured. There was something in the other’s voice Sasuke could not interpret when Naruto said, “You speak as though I belonged to you.”
The meaning of those words suddenly felt so unbearably enormous that Sasuke wanted nothing more than to turn around and run away. Just so he would not reveal even more of what he could barely endure himself: How desperately he wanted exactly that.
“I thought your life belonged to the kingdom”, he whispered bitterly and added before Naruto could even say anything, “And I - and therefore the kingdom - want you to stay alive. Do you understand?”
A quiet, humorless sound escaped Naruto. Then he asked, “For you?”
Yes, for me.
Sasuke’s blood roared in his ears and his heart beat so hard that he almost felt dizzy. Did Naruto want to make him actually admit that in public? Did he even have to answer that question? After all, they both had long since known the answer to it. And he certainly would not let himself be tempted or rather forced into… -
He was just about to open his mouth when Naruto shifted his weight and suddenly a pained sound escaped him that made Sasuke freeze. His eyes immediately moved to the edge of the bandages, wondering which parts of the injured body they covered.
“Your… injuries”, Sasuke whispered and startled at how fragile his voice suddenly sounded, “How bad are they really?”
Naruto twisted his mouth and replied dryly, “It’ll heal.”
Sasuke could barely resist the impulse to touch him - to run his fingers gently and carefully over every single one of the wounds, almost as if he wanted to heal them that way. If he remained standing here for even one more second, he would give in - he knew that. And as if to prove it, his fingers twitched almost imperceptibly.
He had to put a stop to this before it became even worse than it already was. So his eyes narrowed and with every bit of effort he tried to lock the feeling back inside that dark chamber his heart had once been.
“I’m not answering that”, he hissed quietly and looked Naruto directly in the eyes, “Not here.”
Then he said abruptly, “Go.”
Naruto blinked in confusion and tilted his head, but Sasuke repeated again, “Just go”, before taking a deep breath and adding a “Before I completely forget myself.”
Naruto’s gaze dropped to Sasuke’s lips and for a moment the corner of his mouth twitched into a smirk. Then he took a step back and bowed despite the obvious pain it caused him - and everything about it seemed like a gesture trying to restore their roles in relation to one another. At least for the public.
“As you command, my prince.”
When he turned away, Sasuke watched him go and the pain in his chest grew with every step Naruto took across the courtyard. One part of him wanted to call him back, pull him into his arms immediately and press his lips against the other’s - but another knew that it was not allowed.
No matter how much he wanted to.
But he knew that night would come - and with it the same longing that had accompanied them for months and ensured that they found each other again night after night. And he was certain that tonight would be no different.
The only difference would be that this time a question stood between them - one that needed to be answered.
-
With every step, alongside the dull throbbing of his wounds beneath all those bandages, a completely different kind of pain flared up inside him. It burned so fiercely that he could barely stand it:
Shame - and to such an extent that it felt so deep and overwhelming that he could hardly raise his eyes when comrades passed him and greeted him.
The shame had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he had disobeyed orders and was now afraid of being punished by his commander. That was something he could live with quite well and that bothered him comparatively little. Rather - and much worse - it was the shame of having felt so seen. It had seemed as though that gaze had reached into the deepest parts of him and recognized something there that he himself would have preferred to hide. And of all people, by Sasuke. By someone who meant more to him than any of his vows to the kingdom could ever have explained.
You would leave me.
The words echoed inside him and barely let him go.
His throat felt bone-dry. With an empty gaze, he looked out over the darkening landscape. He had not meant it like that. He had not wanted to leave Sasuke - quite the opposite, actually.
And besides: He had a task to fulfill, had sworn an oath that bound him to duties and dedicated his life to a purpose.
But that was only part of the truth.
And had he not been able to admit it to himself earlier? That other part? The one Sasuke had apparently seen through immediately? Because he seemed to have understood what kind of unspoken, so needy and childish question had actually been beneath all of Naruto’s behavior: Would it mean anything if I were no longer here?
He had to close his eyes because he could barely stand himself. The shame felt burning hot and almost stole the air from his lungs. Because there was relief - relief that Sasuke had been afraid for him. Real, naked fear.
For me.
Inevitably, he shook his head before lowering it.
Of course he meant something to Sasuke. Oh God, of course it means something to him - how could I have been so stupid to believe it might be otherwise?
And how could he have been so stupid as to risk his life for that simple answer? One he had actually known - deep down inside?
The pain flared immediately, almost as if his own body wanted to remind him what he had actually done. Just to feel… important. To receive confirmation that Sasuke was not indifferent to him. He grimaced and at the same time was almost grateful for the pain.
Because it was so wonderfully uncomplicated and followed simple rules that were easy to obey - it came, stayed for a while and if you listened to the healers, which he rarely did, then eventually it disappeared again. Pain demanded no answers to questions he did not know how to answer - entirely unlike Sasuke.
And he had felt what Sasuke had heard in his silence. And the fact that Naruto had perhaps enjoyed it a little - if that was what one could call it -, that it fueled Sasuke’s anger and fear and that he had finally had proof of his own significance, made the shame flare up again.
But much more shameful - and at the same time so addictive - was the feeling stirring beneath the shame: anticipation.
For which he almost despised himself.
He had not only gotten his answer, but in the end he would now get what he wanted most of all: Him.
You speak as if I belonged to you.
Naruto had said it with a spark of mockery in his voice - and yet had wanted nothing more desperately than for Sasuke to confirm exactly that. Something that from Naruto’s own perspective had long since become an unchangeable truth.
And had Sasuke not confirmed it to him indirectly?
His heart stumbled once and pounded so violently against his broken ribs that he had to clench his teeth for a moment. A treacherous warmth spread through his lower body, seeming to blaze in competition with the shame.
He suspected that Sasuke would still be angry with him tonight and might perhaps even punish him - and the hot pull inside him intensified. He had gladly accepted his anger if it served as proof that there was something between them. And he would make it up to him as well - and kneel before his prince if that was what it took. And he would do anything to prove to him that he had never intended to leave him. Instead, he would prove that in truth he had been trying to achieve the exact opposite: That Sasuke would finally acknowledge him. That Naruto could finally be the one he… -
No, he called himself to order. Pull yourself together.
Save that for tonight - when you have your real chance to prove it.
To prove that he was devoted to no one but him.
-
Sasuke did not return to his chambers. Instead, he wandered aimlessly through the corridors until everything before his eyes began to blur. And until evening descended over the castle and the first torches were lit.
In the courtyard, he had only just managed to keep his composure. But now, where he was completely alone, it shattered into a thousand pieces. Again - and again only because of him. He barely knew what to do with all the feeling the brief encounter with Naruto had left inside him. There had been so much at once that even now he felt dizzy whenever he thought about it.
Or was it the fear? He could still feel it - how it came in waves and made his breathing erratic and shallow. Almost as if not enough air were flowing into his lungs. Whenever he focused on it too much, it became worse. Abruptly, he had to stop and brace his hand against the cold stone wall to endure the trembling that suddenly seized him. His chest suddenly tightened, his mouth went dry and his heart beat so fast that it almost seemed as though his body had finally caught up with everything he had tried to suppress since hearing about Naruto’s life-threatening actions.
For you?
What a question - and the answer to it was so obvious that Sasuke’s anger, which alternated rapidly with the fear, flared up again. How could Naruto have been so stupid? Risking everything for an answer that was so obvious? And how could he be so willing to accept pain, sacrifice himself and sell the whole thing as virtue, honor and some oath?
He felt sick when he thought about how close it had been precisely because of those things. Trembling, he slid down the wall and pressed one hand against his racing heart. For a few seconds, the fear became omnipresent again - and made him feel as though he himself were going to die. And once again there were those scenes that had already haunted him earlier: Naruto, slaughtered on the battlefield. Dark red blood seeping from his wounds into the ground. How the warmth Sasuke so often curled himself against in the darkness suddenly disappeared and slipped from this world that Sasuke had long since organized around the two of them.
And suddenly he could no longer deny it to himself: This was love.
No matter how threatening the feeling itself might seem even inside his own thoughts. A love that simply was not allowed to exist - no matter how desperately it wanted to. A love that had no future whatsoever - no matter how much that hurt him. A love that stood in absolute contradiction to everything he had been raised to become. He was promised, he was bound - to a woman he did not know, and to expectations he had never chosen and that had always weighed so heavily on him that they had hollowed him out from within.
And despite all of that, it was Naruto he wanted.
Naruto, who looked at him as though he were the center of the world. As though the crown meant nothing compared to the person beneath it. Ever since the moment Naruto had joined the royal guard, it had felt as though something inside him had finally been brought to life. And as though there was more than just the kingdom. And at the same time, that fact also meant something that constricted his throat and made him curl his hands into fists until his fingernails dug deeply into his palms.
By now, Naruto held so much power over him - and he could barely stand how helplessly at its mercy he felt. And that there was no one else responsible for it but himself. Because he had been the one who allowed all of this, who sought him out again and again and wanted him again and again - in the darkness, inside himself and now apparently in his heart as well.
His accusing words replayed inside him - You would leave me - and this time they carried something even more terrible with them: neediness, dependence and the dreadful fear of being abandoned.
He did not know how much time had even passed when the trembling finally subsided and his breathing calmed. Eventually, he slowly straightened again and tried to bring himself back into a state in which he could make his way to the library. And so the mask returned to his face - as distant, as immaculate and as royal as ever.
But it was nothing more than an illusion. Like almost everything he showed this world.
-
Eventually, night completely enveloped the old castle and caused deep shadows to settle over everything. A ghostly silence had spread and was only interrupted now and then by the bells announcing the late hour. His own footsteps almost echoed as he made his way toward the oldest wing of the castle - far away from the servants’ quarters, where people saw too much and heard even more. The library was so secluded that it seemed far removed from all expectations and especially from all consequences.
It was the same every night: He did not even have to ask for Naruto, because he came on his own every night - just as Sasuke did. He did not have to give Naruto or himself an order. Instead, it felt as though some magical spell guided them both here night after night - toward each other. And tonight it would no longer be a knight finding his prince. Tonight, two people who loved each other would find one another.
When he pushed open the heavy oak doors, the old iron hinges creaked softly. Immediately, the flickering candlelight greeted him, making the shelves that reached all the way up to the vaulted ceiling look almost eerie. When he closed the door, the sound echoed louder than he would have liked. He flinched before standing completely still for a moment. For hours, he had tried to get his emotions back under control, but he had not managed to.
Everything inside him felt stretched to the point of breaking, as though he were waiting for something he himself could not quite grasp.
Perhaps for another escalation? At least he could very clearly feel that his anger had not diminished over the course of those hours - if anything, it had only grown stronger. Because now he had understood why Naruto had apparently been so willing to sacrifice himself so readily on the battlefield. The mere fact that he seemed to believe Sasuke would survive losing him at all made his anger swell to an unimaginable degree. Because with every fiber of his soul, he knew that he would not.
And Naruto had to know it too - which, in Sasuke’s opinion, was the worst part of the entire situation. That Naruto knew exactly what he meant to him. He had to know - after all, there had been enough signs: How close they became every night - and the mere fact that by now it was every night - and how Naruto did not only follow orders, but also Sasuke’s unspoken wishes, which he apparently could read straight from his eyes.
And yet he had still done it.
A few moments later, the door opened again and his body tensed involuntarily - because even before he saw Naruto, he felt his presence. Whenever he was near, the air seemed electrically charged.
When he finally turned toward him slowly, his face lay in the flickering glow of the candles and looked even more beautiful than it already did. Sasuke wanted to be angry, he tried to remind himself. And although the dark tunic he wore now completely concealed the bandages beneath it, Sasuke could almost feel their presence - almost like some kind of phantom pain.
For far too long a moment, they both seemed speechless.
From anger, from shame, from fear - or from desire?
And most of all from the love neither of them had ever named as openly as they had today - even though it had not even been spoken clearly and directly.
Eventually, Naruto took a step toward him - almost cautiously and carefully, as though approaching something that one did not want to frighten away and at the same time did not want to provoke any further.
“My prince”, he said quietly - and the title sounded almost strange here. Out of place, Sasuke thought. At least when one considered what had already happened here between these shelves. And when one considered that Naruto had moaned, sighed and breathlessly uttered his actual name here many times before. Immediately, that endless need for the other man stirred inside him again - along with something almost addicted to hearing Naruto say his name that way once more.
But this need immediately pulled another tidal wave of anger along with it, which made itself known in a hissed “You shouldn’t be here.” Even though he did not even mean it.
Naruto lowered his head, but made no attempt to retreat and continued standing close in front of him, “You didn’t forbid me.”
Sasuke’s lips twisted into a humorless, bitter smile, “You’ve never needed permission, have you?” He added with a mockingly raised eyebrow, “And you don’t follow orders or prohibitions anyway.”
A smirk flickered across Naruto’s lips when he lifted his blue eyes and met Sasuke’s gaze. There was undoubtedly something ashamed in them that immediately softened Sasuke, but there was something else as well: something determined, longing and Something willing to accept every consequence.
He loved - and hated - that devotion in him.
“I wanted to see you”, Naruto finally said.
Sasuke let out a quiet laugh and the sound was equally mocking and desperate, “You always do” - then he himself stepped closer and crossed the small distance between them with an almost predatory grace.
“You risked your life”, he murmured and tilted his head appraisingly, “And now you’re standing here in front of me giving the impression that I should be the one grateful that you’re still alive, yes?”
Naruto swallowed, “No - I’m standing here in front of you because I couldn’t bear being without you.”
The anger immediately flared again and briefly threatened to overshadow the actual neediness - because Naruto had been the one who had almost forced exactly that upon him: having to be without him. Dead and buried beneath the earth.
Sasuke twisted his mouth disdainfully and stepped even closer until barely the width of a hand remained between them. His gaze moved over the other man - first finding Naruto’s mouth, then the chest rising and falling evenly, and finally the place where he suspected the injuries beneath the fabric. “Without me, then…”, he whispered almost reverently and his voice dripped not only with anger and irony, but also with something so possessive that heat began gathering low in his body.
“And yet you wanted to do that to me and leave me, yes?”, Sasuke murmured and caught Naruto’s chin between two fingers. His breath audibly caught. A small smirk tugged at the corners of Sasuke’s mouth, “You must not leave me, do you hear me?”
Something else mixed into the command - something that sounded so frightened and clinging that it pulled painfully in his own chest. “Not like that. Never - do you understand?”
Naruto nodded slowly and almost devoutly. His voice sounded rough and fragile - and so sincere that tears nearly rose to Sasuke’s eyes - “I’ll stay, as long as you let me.”
-
He barely dared to breathe in. More than anything, he wanted to grab Sasuke, pull him close and finally let their lips melt together. But he knew he was not allowed to be the one who took the first step. He had always known which one of them was in charge - and the other man’s royal status only contributed a certain part to that fact. It was always the same: A negotiation of power, almost like a game of cat and mouse, in which Naruto had understood again and again that Sasuke needed to feel superior if he wanted to surrender himself to him.
And in thirty minutes at the latest, he would be lying beneath him, whimpering his name and begging for more. So Sasuke’s razor-sharp tone did not hit him, instead he heard the challenge beneath the cutting words,
“And yet you still defied orders. Even though you didn’t want to be without me?”
I can’t be without you for even a second, he added in his thoughts. And yet he answered with a quiet “I acted when I had to”, because he sensed that he could not surrender completely just yet.
Such an unbelieving, bitter and hoarse laugh escaped Sasuke that Naruto almost flinched. Had he perhaps been wrong after all?
“You’re always acting”, came from Sasuke’s lips in a mocking tone, “Without orders, without thinking - almost as if your life belonged to you alone and you could gamble with it however you pleased.”
Naruto’s heart beat so hard in his chest that he felt dizzy. That was dangerously close to… - To what I wanted to hear. What I had wanted so badly. But could he really be sure? And so he lifted his chin slightly and whispered - testing and a little defiant - a “My life is mine to risk” into the silence of the library.
Sasuke stood so close that Naruto could feel the warmth radiating from his body, and so close that he could feel the other man’s breath brushing against his mouth. It was so tempting and intoxicating that he could barely maintain his self-control. He was even close enough that Naruto imagined he could feel the other man’s pulse, probably racing just as fast as his own.
“Is it?”, Sasuke breathed softly. The words were barely more than breath. And they sounded so seductive that Naruto’s heart skipped a beat. His lips parted briefly as though he wanted to reply. But then he decided it was better to remain silent and wait.
“As I said”, Sasuke continued - and his voice became deeper and rougher and took on an undertone that bordered dangerously close on desire and yet still sounded almost royal, “You disobey your commander’s orders.”
An endless-seeming pause followed in which his own heartbeat became so loud that Naruto could hear it pounding in his ears. His entire body was so tense that he needed every bit of self-control not to simply pull Sasuke toward him at last.
“So it seems the prince himself will have to give you orders” - and suddenly the entire atmosphere changed so rapidly and so inevitably that it almost hurt and stole his breath, “And you will obey them - you will obey me.”
The muscles in his broad shoulders tensed - exactly as they always did whenever Sasuke’s voice took on that tone that seemed to waver somewhere between command and desire. And he knew perfectly well that obeying that command did not mean submission to him - rather, it was a form of devotion and love, in the only way Sasuke could bear it.
So he answered with a firm-sounding “Yes”, which immediately made Sasuke draw in a sharp breath, as though the word had passed straight through him - as though it had struck something inside him whose existence he did not want to admit. So he hissed a “Don’t say it like that”, only to add more quietly afterwards, almost like a confession, “Don’t make it so easy for me.”
Naruto’s mouth curved almost imperceptibly into a smirk that looked slightly bashful as he whispered, “I don’t think any of this is going to be easy for you.”
And those words apparently gained him Sasuke’s complete and undivided attention.
-
Sasuke stepped closer and everything inside him was still boiling at once: the anger, the mortal fear and the unbearable thought of possible loss - and yet there was no longer any desire to withdraw from Naruto or punish him with coldness and mockery. Instead, there was something craving something like proof. Proof that he would stay with him and truly was as devoted to him as he claimed.
So he reached out and his fingers immediately closed around Naruto’s crotch, where his arousal was already visibly and tangibly beginning to show. His grip was firm and a little too forceful, causing Naruto to suck in a sharp breath. A sound of pleasure escaped him that he did not even attempt to hide - and which contributed to Sasuke no longer being able to suppress the narrow grin on his face.
In a rough voice, Naruto commented on the grip with a “You’re still angry with me.” And Sasuke’s answer came immediately, “Furious, to be precise.”
Inside him was a tangle of contradictory emotions: anger, defiance and something forgiving that tempted him into a faint, almost gentle smile he neither could nor wanted to hide. Still, he added quietly,
“Don’t mistake this…”, his chest rose and fell heavily, as though he had to breathe against some kind of resistance, “This is not forgiveness.”
Naruto’s voice sounded rough when he replied, “I would never.”
Sasuke’s fingers closed briefly and possessively around Naruto’s throbbing erection, which grew harder and harder beneath his touch. In his own lower body, the heat that had initially built slowly, deliberately and full of longing suddenly reached unimaginable heights. For the fraction of a moment, he closed his eyes and almost lost himself in the sensations - in the way his own body reacted to the other with an urgency and desire that drove him into Naruto’s arms whether he wanted it or not.
He told himself that this was still his decision. That his body reacted because he allowed it to. Because he allowed Naruto to be this close to him. This need for control had always been something he could not let go of and something that mattered to him. Sasuke’s grip tightened once more - until the demanding quality in the touch became unmistakably clear, while at the same time the pleading beneath it, so often hidden, became just as obvious. Something he never brought past his lips and could therefore only express through gestures like these.
And then Sasuke kissed him - there was nothing gentle about it, instead it was so urgent and decisive that it felt more like a command than an invitation.
He pressed his mouth against Naruto’s so passionately that it was almost impossible to tell whether it was the heat or the burning anger driving him. Naruto reacted immediately and raised his hands to brace himself against the old oak table behind him, while Sasuke moved closer and began pressing him back against it.
Sasuke broke the kiss just enough to gasp shakily for air. Then he kissed him again - even harder and yet still almost commanding and demanding. By now, the trembling had taken over his entire body and the anger began transforming into desire at a dizzying speed.
“Just do it.” - The words left his lips hoarsely and were half demand, half whimpering plea, mixed with a quiet hint of surrender he did not want to admit to himself - not at this point in the night, at least.
He told himself it was only supposed to be an order. And absolutely nothing that had anything to do with desire - or with longing. Even though he knew that exactly this was slumbering deep inside him - together with that love he would never be able to confess openly and honestly. And it was precisely that love he would have preferred to deny in this moment. But instead, his slender fingers slid into the blond hair and pulled just firmly enough to make the message clear, while he tried to reach his lips again so he could melt into him.
With every kiss, his anger faded a little more and was replaced by a deep feeling of dependence - almost as though something inside him was slowly giving way and as though, piece by piece, he was accepting that he needed the other man.
Naruto reacted without hesitation: His mouth opened almost involuntarily so their tongues could find each other and for a second it almost felt as though they were dissolving into one another.
A quiet, broken sound escaped Sasuke’s lips - a sound that under any other circumstances probably would have brought a flush of shame to his cheeks. But now there was only this burning desire expressing itself in that desperate, longing sound.
So Naruto moved closer, placed his hands on Sasuke’s hips now, holding them firmly, and turned him around with force. And now pushed him backwards against the table instead. Sasuke’s body reacted almost instinctively - letting his hips jerk forward almost imperceptibly and yet insistently. An uncontrollable trembling spread beneath his ivory skin, seeming to expand with every rub of their hips against one another.
And so the fabric was hastily pushed aside. Then buttons were undone. And finally the clothes were stripped away.
Sasuke lifted his hips and allowed Naruto to arrange him on the oak table, feeling completely overwhelmed by the reverence in Naruto’s touches, which were so tender and at the same time so loving and determined that they stole his breath. The way Naruto touched him, looked at him and removed the last remaining pieces of clothing stirred something deep in his chest - because it felt as though he were precious to Naruto.
There was something in his expression that made Sasuke shiver. There was nothing triumphant about it and nothing greedy either, about finally being the one in the supposedly superior position - the one who took and subdued the other.
The one you will never truly be unless I allow it, something inside him whispered, as if it had to contradict what was happening between them right now.
The adoration was written all over Naruto’s face.
His own breathing deepened, as though he had to brace himself against something immense and inevitable. Something he could no longer escape and no longer wanted to escape. The last remnants of his anger had long since melted into such urgent longing and an unforeseen desire shot through his body as he gently ran his fingers over the linen bandages wrapped around Naruto’s trained chest. His fingers trembled from all the lust and desire he had hidden for so long.
Sasuke lifted his hands and gently cupped Naruto’s face while his thumb brushed over his cheekbone. He leaned forward and kissed him again - slowly at first, then deeper, finally almost desperately. As though everything he had never dared to say was contained in that kiss.
Naruto reacted immediately, opened his mouth and returned the closeness with a devotion unlike anything else. His breath broke hot and ragged between the deep kisses, yet his hands remained where they were - even though they seemed almost cramped from self-control. As though he were still waiting for Sasuke to be the one who decided.
Decided when Naruto was allowed. And when he himself could let him.
Eventually, Sasuke broke one of the kisses - perhaps because he could no longer bear the heat in his lower body. Guttural and breathless, he gasped a “Look at me.”
And when Naruto looked down at him, there was something in those blue eyes - something of such intensity that his entire chest immediately began to ache painfully.
This was the man who had thrown himself into danger without hesitation. This was the man who would kneel before him without being ordered to. This was the man he… - He simply could not finish the thought.
And so he found other words for what he felt:
His thumb brushed over Naruto’s lower lip and remained there for a moment as he whispered, “You think I could survive losing you.”
He drew in a trembling breath, then slowly breathed out again and added hoarsely, “And you’re wrong.”
He could see Naruto’s throat move as he swallowed hard. Sasuke’s hand moved over the other man’s powerful muscles, brushed across the bandages and finally came to rest flat against his broad chest - directly over the rhythmic beating of his heart. He could feel it right there beneath his hand. That strong, convincing and undeniable sign that he was alive.
Thank God.
Then he took Naruto’s hand in his and guided it down his body - lower and lower -, until it reached his own length, by now hard, throbbing with arousal and pulsing beneath the touch.
“This”, he whispered, “This is what you protect. This is what you cherish.”
Naruto could not suppress a small grin when Sasuke’s breath became ragged beneath the gentle, stroking fingers moving along his cock. “As you command”, he murmured again - and alongside the small, amused sound, there was also something in the words that felt like a different kind of oath than the ones he usually swore.
And with that, Sasuke’s self-control left him - once and for all.
-
He kissed him again - this time with a heat that discharged between them and nearly drove him out of his mind - and pushed Sasuke fully onto the table until he lay half-reclined across it.
Sasuke’s breath broke into a deep, barely audible sound and that sound alone made something deep inside Naruto tremble. He wanted him so badly. And the way he lay there before him - in the glow of the flickering candles casting shadows over them both -, had something about it that felt almost consecrated.
So he sank to his knees in front of the oak table - and knelt before his prince, as he had done hundreds of times before. He pulled Sasuke closer by the hips, lying exposed before him and seeming to tremble in anticipation of the touch. He lifted his gaze once and his blue eyes met the half-closed dark ones, in which something feverish seemed to gleam.
For several heartbeats, they held eye contact. It felt to him as though an exchange was taking place within it, one neither of them had ever put into words. Because after a moment, Sasuke nodded slightly and murmured a “Yes”, which seemed directed more at himself than at Naruto, “Just like that.”
So Naruto leaned forward, as he had been told - close enough for his breath to brush over the other man’s skin, which felt warm and almost holy beneath his hands. Carefully, he spread Sasuke and exposed the tight entrance before him. The sight alone in the flickering candlelight around them made his breath catch. He could feel Sasuke’s body tense beneath his fingers. He knew exactly how desperately Sasuke needed that feeling of still being the one in control of what happened to him and how he surrendered himself.
So he whispered an “Your wish is my command”, before leaning even farther forward and bringing his lips to the other man’s entrance. And feeling the tremor that already ran through Sasuke before the actual touch. Almost as though he unconsciously wanted to move toward him himself.
-
Sasuke tilted his head back until his freckled neck exposed his throat. His breathing deepened as he allowed himself to give in to the moment and sink into it - into the warmth, into the closeness and into the certainty of what was about to happen. Desire flowed through him until it reached every corner inside him.
Then he finally felt the warm, wet touch he had been waiting for with such longing. And the sensation was overwhelming: Naruto’s tongue, moving over him so persistently, so searchingly and in slow circles. At first only around his entrance, then almost reverently pressing into it.
A sharp, uncontrolled tremor ran through Sasuke when the warm breath and wet tongue moved over places only one man would ever be allowed to touch. He would never allow anyone but Naruto to take him this way.
A gasp tore from him when Naruto went deeper.
By now, he was fully reclined, his legs drawn up and opening himself even farther to the other man that way. His body felt as though it might overheat at any moment - and as if trying to prove exactly that, the trembling inside him spread farther and farther because this closeness had long since become far too great to keep contained within himself.
Naruto remained between his thighs and every movement of his tongue seemed full of concentration and untamed desire whenever it met Sasuke’s wet, rosy entrance. His own breath seemed to catch again and again - as though even he were becoming overwhelmed by the sheer closeness and desire. The warmth struck Sasuke so intensely that it felt like touching an open wound - as though every one of his nerves were being flooded by it until his composure slipped from him completely.
He felt the tongue go deeper - and make him writhe against and beneath it. It was far too intimate and far too good to even want to control the sounds breaking free from his throat. And yet there was still that small part of him that always kept control and hated how much they revealed. Because he could barely endure it: This was far more than greed and need on their own. This was care, perhaps even love, sharpened into an undeniable wanting. His hips moved almost on their own, as though desperately searching for more of this something he refused to name.
“Do it right-”, Sasuke’s voice sounded rough as he forced the words out. It was more of a growl and more of a hiss than a command - immediately followed by a breathless correction that sounded noticeably quieter and almost needy, “Not… not like that…-”, he gasped for air, “Not… gently. Not after…-”
Naruto lifted his gaze and met Sasuke’s eyes. Looked directly up and into those half-closed, onyx-colored eyes, in which alongside the lust something shimmered that Sasuke only ever allowed to become visible here. Here in secret. With him.
“Not after I almost lost you”, the dark-haired man managed in a whisper. It almost seemed to hurt him to say it out loud. Because his slightly parted lips began to tremble. And something inside Naruto’s chest immediately opened wide and took up every bit of space there - warm, comforting and almost as though light were shining directly from his heart.
He nodded slightly and his lips curved into a gentle smile.
Every single command felt like a privilege to Naruto - something granted to him and him alone. So he bent down farther and gripped even more firmly what only he was allowed to hold, even though his own body trembled with desire, his trained thighs were tense and his own length was already throbbing against his lower stomach. His breathing came unevenly against the salty, heated skin beneath his mouth as he pushed his tongue back into the warm tightness. Sasuke writhed beneath the sensation, and yet his hips moved toward him.
He pressed his tongue even deeper inside while opening him farther. The now-wet, throbbing heat of Sasuke’s twitching entrance tasted so sweet that Naruto thought he might lose his mind. Every sound made him go deeper and made him try to pour everything he felt for him into those touches. Even though it nearly overwhelmed him too.
“Don’t…-”, Sasuke gasped suddenly, barely audible, “don’t stop…”
-
He hated that his voice revealed everything. That Naruto could hear so clearly exactly what he was doing to him. And that only a few minutes ago he had revealed just how desperately he needed him in the first place. But he could do nothing about it - not when Naruto was between his thighs and made him feel like everything he had ever asked for - something Naruto was devoted to in a way that had nothing to do with the crown. And everything to do with love.
His reactions came in waves: a quiet whimper, trembling that kept growing stronger, hands that first clung to the table and then to Naruto, pulling him closer only to go weak again the next moment. His body arched instinctively toward the movement, his fingers buried themselves in Naruto’s blond hair and pulled him even closer with half-formed commands.
It felt as though time were stretching endlessly. He lay there trembling, his legs drawn up tightly, his hands gripping the edge of the table so firmly that his knuckles stood out white and until every single muscle in his body seemed tense.
His hips lifted involuntarily and almost pleadingly for more. The sounds he made became thinner and more broken with every second that passed. The dark eyes were already blurred with tears. Because the heat simply prickled everywhere - so relentless and overwhelming that it threatened to sweep everything away with it.
Sasuke whimpered. Every one of those small, broken sounds faded into the vastness of the dark library. Pleasure and helplessness in the face of the meaning behind Naruto’s touches - and everything contained within them - blurred together until his body began to tremble violently.
He felt so raw - so exposed - and yet so endlessly wanted and needy that he would have liked nothing more than to drown in the experience and everything it brought with it. Sinking down into the closeness and into Naruto.
But Naruto’s hands held him firmly and anchored him in place.
-
He knew this already - Sasuke was not used to letting go. Only here in this dark library, only beneath his touch and only under very particular circumstances did it seem somehow possible for him at all. He had sworn to himself that the oath he had taken in daylight had to become exactly this as soon as darkness surrounded them.
He felt the pull in his hair - which gave the impression that Sasuke was still trying to keep the upper hand even now. And that despite lying here in front of him - completely exposed and completely at Naruto’s tongue.
As though he had to prove his power one final time before losing it completely.
They had been sleeping together for long enough now that Naruto knew this was what Sasuke secretly wanted: For someone to finally take control.
-
The dark eyes gleamed feverishly when he felt the careful pressure of Naruto’s finger against his entrance together with the tongue that was already nearly driving him out of his mind.
His breath caught as the sensation intensified. It burned slightly - it always did, no matter how often they had slept together - and yet it felt as though his body wanted to pull the index finger inside him. Almost as though it had been waiting for exactly that. He felt his own tightness and every smallest movement of the finger within it. Later, every bit of yielding as the tension slowly began to loosen.
He could no longer stop a soft moan from escaping him. Especially when Naruto pushed a second finger into him. It was far too fast and far too eager. It was as though Naruto could no longer bear the restraint Sasuke needed in order to actually give up control.
His hand shot toward Naruto’s wrist and closed around it in a firm grip, as though he wanted to say: I am not beneath you. I choose this.
Then Naruto leaned forward to press kisses against Sasuke’s inner thigh and slowed the movements inside him. He let him decide how deeply and how quickly the fingers moved. But when Naruto found that place that made Sasuke gasp for air and sent stars dancing across his vision, he could finally give in: his forearm thrown across his face as though that might prevent Naruto from seeing how deeply Sasuke was actually devoted to him. The intensity of all of it felt almost unbearable.
-
It was always the same - always the same tipping point: from commanding to surrendering completely.
Naruto looked at him as though he were something holy, stretched out there across the old oak table, as though Sasuke had been laid upon an altar. Not for a single second did his attention waver while Sasuke’s body repeatedly tensed and trembled beneath his touch. Those small, uncontrollable movements became more erratic, more jerking and more desperate every time Naruto brushed over that place inside him.
He could feel how close Sasuke was. And how everything around his fingers pulsed, vibrated and tried to draw him even deeper inside than he already was. His own breath caught at that pull within the other man. At how close his body wanted to keep him. Closer than Sasuke himself would probably ever be able to admit.
The deep trembling came first - almost as though something were tearing loose beneath his skin. Sasuke’s breathing broke apart and sounds slipped past his lips that he could no longer hold back. Naruto took in everything - the trembling, that demanded helplessness and the entire way Sasuke arched toward what he secretly longed for. His own blue eyes were blurred with desire - reverent and overwhelmed by the privilege of being allowed to see this. Every broken sound from the Uchiha felt like permission granted exclusively to him.
-
His lips parted and pleading, broken and almost disbelieving sounds escaped them. His body betrayed him through needy, involuntary jerks - drawing the other man deeper into him and refusing to let go of this need he could not admit to himself in daylight.
Something inside him suddenly tightened violently and contracted so deeply within him that there was nothing left for him to hold onto. A deep tremor ran through him and made everything break apart all at once.
And then he simply fell apart.
Into a thousand pieces.
Heat spilled across his narrow stomach with every trembling breath while those very breaths broke into fractured sounds. A rough “Ah-” escaped him, barely more than expelled air. His entire body shook violently while Naruto’s fingers continued to move, carrying him through the waves of his climax and drawing it out longer than Sasuke believed he could possibly endure.
-
Naruto felt as though he were touching something sacred. The sight of the other man left him speechless. His prince - completely brought to the edge by no one but him. By his fingers alone.
His own cock was already coated in beads of precum that ran down its length - he could no longer wait and he knew it himself. Everything inside him ached with desire for the other man. To truly feel him, to fill him until he belonged only to him.
A hoarse sigh escaped Sasuke when the fingers slowly slid out of him with a wet sound. His entrance was reddened, stretched and trembling - and Naruto could barely tear his gaze away. The sight of his prince, completely opened before him, was hypnotizing.
He straightened up only to kiss him immediately - not possessively and not demandingly, but so carefully, as though something precious might break if he asked too much of Sasuke. When Naruto pulled away again, the dark eyes were still burning with hunger - unsatisfied and filled with endless longing.
Then came that whisper, rougher than anything before it - and far more honest than either of them could bear: “Take me… properly.” Sasuke’s voice tipped into something quiet and so incredibly needy.
And Naruto froze.
His heart beat so loudly that he almost felt dizzy. Without thinking, he leaned forward again. His eyes darkened and he felt almost robbed of breath by the honesty of this moment. He kissed him again, harder and more demanding this time - and the force of that kiss held more meaning than any oath Naruto had ever sworn.
Whether it was forbidden or a sin did not matter to him at all - Naruto knew that he would choose this again and again. That he would choose his prince again and again. The one he… loved. Even if he was not allowed to love him in daylight.
If this was a sin, he would willingly kneel before it. For his prince. The one he… loved. Even if it was not allowed.
Their naked bodies moved closer together and both of them were breathing only quickly and unevenly now. Sasuke wrapped his legs around him and slender fingers dug into Naruto’s shoulders - still demanding and still guiding, as though he could not let this last little bit of power be taken from him. Then Naruto would let him keep it. He would let him have anything he would ever need from him.
-
Sasuke felt everything narrowing and the entire world shrinking down to this overwhelming heat when Naruto finally brought his cock to his stretched entrance, still wet with all the saliva from the rimming. His nerves prickled with arousal when the tip of Naruto’s throbbing length brushed over his swollen ring of muscle. He whimpered at the touch and still could not stop his hips from jerking toward it, as though he wanted to take matters back into his own hands.
Then he felt the increasing pressure as the space between them melted away. A hoarse hiss tore from his throat when Naruto slowly slid into his wet depth. It stole his breath and made him brace himself instinctively, his fingers digging equally into the wood and into Naruto’s hand at his waist. It felt as though every single nerve inside him were lighting up - as though they were in flames and burning even the last remnants of his control down to their foundations.
-
The heat closed around him in a pulse and drew Naruto deeper inside until Sasuke’s body arched beneath him. An almost whimpering sound tore from him at the feeling of being filled so deeply.
Through clenched teeth he breathed, “Hold me tighter.” His voice was hoarse and shifted somewhere between pleading and his usual commanding tone. “You know how to”, he added then and it sounded almost desperate.
“I do”, Naruto managed with a quiet, strained laugh. His voice was rough and trembled because of the tightness he could feel around his cock. It had taken every bit of strength he had left not to become completely uninhibited - and lose every trace of restraint that he knew perfectly well Sasuke demanded from him. Until Sasuke allowed Naruto to finally give it up and until he himself finally chose to surrender. Just like now.
And Naruto did what had been demanded of him - and took him as an answer to everything that existed between them and to all the things they were never supposed to be. Sasuke broke beneath him, beautiful and completely overwhelmed, his eyes glassy from how close he still was to that edge Naruto’s fingers had only just pushed him over.
-
He felt every inch of his insides clenching around Naruto’s length. Every thrust made something inside him pulse and tremble - made him feel as though he were made of glass. Glass that caught the light before breaking it into a thousand shimmering reflections.
But it was the words Naruto whispered next that actually broke him. Hoarse and directly against his ear, where his hot breath caused goosebumps to spread across his entire body.
“You belong to me.”
Sasuke felt tears rise into his eyes and did not know whether it was because of the deep thrusts or because of those words he had secretly hoped for so desperately. Words that made something inside him tremble that he had never known he was capable of feeling at all.
The grip around his narrow waist tightened. By the next morning, there would certainly be marks left behind - and with some undefined feeling, something inside him whispered that at least this way something would remain, even if it was only allowed to exist in secret and hidden beneath his clothes.
Sasuke clung to him, gasping, and felt the last of his commands dissolve into breathless pleading. Without even realizing when it had happened, he had stopped demanding and begun to beg. Had stopped understanding it as capitulation and begun understanding it as giving himself over.
For him. Only for him.
He felt the movements become faster and deeper, tears rising into his eyes when he perceived the force - and above all the meaning - behind every single thrust. Naruto’s self-control seemed to be hanging by only a silken thread, so he pulled him closer and suddenly wanted everything. Wanted Naruto to lose control, buried deep inside him.
-
Something collapsed inside him all at once - not only the pleasure, but even more so the relief of having stayed. The fear he himself had been carrying around ever since collapsed inside him and burned away in a single, trembling wave.
He had almost died, had almost sacrificed his own life, only for this. Had almost been unable to return, just to finally be given proof of what Sasuke truly felt for him. To be given proof that he was important enough to him. And that realization shattered the very last remnants of his self-control.
His breath tore and a trembling, deep moan escaped him when he buried himself deeply inside Sasuke one final time. He pressed even closer to him, as though desperately afraid of even the smallest loss of contact and as though he wanted to mark the other man forever. For all those moments in which they were forced to live at a distance - in daylight and in that reality they could not escape.
He could feel his release spilling out and filling the hot, throbbing tightness around his length. Sasuke’s hands gripped him even more firmly while a desperate whimper escaped him when he felt Naruto’s warm cum spreading inside him and filling everything.
This was the answer to everything he had been waiting for - even if he had never dared to ask the question out loud. And he probably never would: Some truths were simply too dangerous to put into words.
I would have died for you in secret.
And perhaps Sasuke could never give him that comfort - that peace - of being allowed to become His even in daylight and perhaps he could never offer him a life in which they were allowed to belong to one another openly, even though that was exactly what Naruto secretly longed for. But that had never really been what all of this was about either, as he understood now while he remained buried deep inside him.
What truly mattered was exactly this - this connection that had formed between them in secret and during all those nights when they were surrounded by nothing but candlelight. During those nights full of longing and in which, despite every risk, they chose each other again and again.
Because in the end it was love, wasn’t it?
Even if perhaps they would never call it that.