Chapter Text
Lauma often had feed back from the animals that surrounded Hiisi Island , no matter the time of day. It was one of the many variables that kept her up late into the night. Alongside the ebbs and flows of kuuvahki , and her endless worries about her people , and whether she was doing a sufficient enough job as their moonchanter , rest didn’t come easy to her.
She tried and often failed to block out the animals' conversations , some tried to report back to her about the things they felt were necessary , like people walking the island at night or complaints about the weather. Things that she had no desire to control because she simply couldn’t.
As for the kuuvahki , she took supplements that helped suppress the intensity. Though when even the false moon was at its fullest , and the kuuvahki flowed more freely through the island , even the supplements didn’t help. Luckily for her , tonight wasn’t a full moon , she was curled up in her private living quarters with a book in hand , the room dimly lit as the rain pattered down outside. If sleep couldn’t find her , she could at least enjoy her peace in ways she found most enjoyable , and since Nicole had been most helpful in uncovering and transcribing some ancient hyperborean texts , Lauma had plenty of new reading material.
The rain had been falling since dusk , a slow , steady veil that blurred the edges of Hiisi Island and made the sea whisper like it remembered older names , but dusk was far gone by now. The night crept in as it always did , but something wasn’t right , and Lauma could feel a familiar tug across her senses. She was unable to get comfortable , to concentrate on her text. The animals were loud and unsettled.
Lauma barely heard the knock over the rain. It was so faint and fragile , if she hadn’t been almost expecting it the moonchanter would have missed it completely.
She inhaled sharply and let out a quick puff of air , standing behind the door a beat longer than she’d liked before releasing the latch and letting the moonlight seep in through the crack.
Nefer stood there drenched and shaking , rain drops clinging to her lashes , while her tears cut warm paths down her face. She looked smaller than Lauma remembered , uncut and stripped of her regular hardened exterior. In the simplest of clothes , that now also clung to her trembling frame.
She didn’t speak , couldn’t quite find the words for why she’d turned up here of all places.
Lauma reached for her without thinking , fingers closing around Nefer’s wrists , grounding and real. Nefer flinched at the touch , then sagged forward as if her body had been waiting for permission to give up.
❝ you walked from Nasha Town ❞ , Lauma said softly in a knowing tone.
Nefer nodded once , swallowing down the shame of how pathetic she must seem.
Lauma’s breath stilled.
She guided Nefer inside, shutting the door gently, sealing out the storm.
She sat Nefer by the fire , her chambers were warm , but the moonchanter feared that Nefer was soaked through to her bones , her skin icy cold to the touch.
The moonchanter sat opposite Nefer , close enough that Nefer could feel her warmth , her presence , the steady calm of her breathing , but far enough away that didn't cross over the already blurring lines.
❝ Lauma - ❞ , Nefer tried to speak , but her words failed her. She let her eyes drop to the floor , fingers curling hard into her palms as if holding herself together required constant force.
Lauma didn’t rush her. She watched the way Nefer’s shoulders were pulled tight. The way her nails were biting into her palms.
❝ you don’t have to speak ❞ , Lauma said quietly , remembering just how Nefer’s anxiety manifested. She needed to bear the brunt of it internally , to compartmentalise and construct the version of events she wanted to share.
Nefer’s breath hitched. Her shoulders shook once , violently , then stilled as she fought it back. She nodded too fast , too sharp , like agreement was safer than hope.
Lauma reached out , fingers brushing Nefer’s wrist. Just a touch. Testing. Asking without words.
Nefer froze.
Then , after a long , painful heartbeat , she turned her hand slightly , barely a motion at all , but it was enough. Permission given by someone who could not bear to ask for it.
Lauma closed her hand gently around Nefer’s.
❝ You came to me ❞ , Lauma murmured. ❝ for the time being , that’s all I need to know ❞.
Needing Lauma was Nefer’s biggest weakness. After all they’d been through together and separately , part of her would always hate that Lauma was the first person she wanted to confide in. Through the good and the bad.
Nefer shook her head faintly , lips trembling ❝ I shouldn’t have ❞ she whispered. The words scraped their way out of her throat , each one clearly costing her. ❝ after everything , after the things I’ve done - ❞
❝ I know ❞ Lauma said. Not unkind. Not forgiving , either. Just honest.
Neither of them knew where they stood with each other anymore. The line that had once been fixed under their failed relationship had started to slip and blur , and after many recent partnerships , things had begun to change.
They’d both had time to grow , and now , it’s seemed the only thing separating them was their own conflictions about the past.
❝ look at me ❞ , Lauma said softly.
Nefer obeyed. She always had.
Her eyes were bright with unshed tears , jaw tight with the effort of holding herself upright. Shame sat on her shoulders like a physical weight , bowing her spine.
❝ I don’t need you to explain yourself tonight ❞ , Lauma continued , ❝ I don’t need apologies. You are exhausted. You are frightened. And you trusted me enough to come here ❞.
Nefer flinched back as if she’d been struck , but Lauma had always been truly honest with her. She didn’t try to soften the blows and even through all of Nefer’s carefully crafted façade , Lauma saw through it all , every time.
Her thumb brushed beneath Nefer’s eye, wiping away a tear before it could fall.
❝ that’s not nothing , is it Nefer ? ❞.
Nefer’s control finally slipped. A sound escaped her , half sob , half breath , leaning forward before she could stop herself , forehead pressing against Lauma’s shoulder. Her hands hovered , uncertain , then clenched in the fabric at Lauma’s back like she was afraid she might disappear if she didn’t hold on.
❝ you’re still freezing ❞ Lauma murmured. Knowing she’d need to get Nefer out of her wet clothes before she caught some kind of sickness.
Lauma’s arms came around her , sure and encompassing. Not hesitant . Not asking permission this time. Nefer sagged into the embrace instantly , as though her body had been waiting for command rather than choice.
❝ I don’t - I didn’t know what to do ❞. Nefer sobbed. Feeling everything and nothing all at once. Grounded by Lauma’s embrace , but her mind felt far away.
❝ then let me lead ❞ Lauma said , low and steady , words meant only for the space between them.
❝ just for tonight ❞.
Nefer nodded against her , a small , broken motion. Relief washed through her so sharply it hurt.
❝ we need to get you out of these wet clothes , I should have something comfortable that you can wear ❞. Lauma guided her toward the bathroom , sitting her on the edge of the tub. ❝ you know , next time if you decide to go for a hike in the middle of the night , you should at least wear a coat ❞ Lauma said softly , not to scold , it came from a place filled with concern.
❝ I ❞ Nefer sniffed , ❝ I just needed to leave ❞. To run.
Lauma looked at her with a sad smile , a hand coming down to cup Nefer’s face. Nefer allowed herself this moment to lean into the touch , to feel the tenderness of the woman she’d once loved be so close to her once again.
❝ I’ll be right back ❞ Lauma said , breaking the contact , leaving Nefer alone for the first time since she’d arrived.
She re-entered the bathroom with a white night gown. ❝ I know this was never to your taste , but it should fit at least ❞. Placing it down next to Nefer , before turning to leave to allow for some privacy.
Nefer’s body still shivered , her hands felt numb and her body weak. ❝ Lauma ❞ she called out weakly before the other could reach the door. ❝ could you - nevermind ❞ how could she even consider that.
But Lauma was already turning back , eyes glancing over Nefer’s frost bitten skin. She knelt down, unzipping her boots. ❝ I will always help you ❞. Knowing as always.
Nefer felt relief and embarrassment wash over her. She was being undressed and cared for by Lauma of all people , but if anyone had to see her in this vulnerable state , she would only ever have it be Lauma. No matter the weight of their past.
❝ thank you ❞ Nefer whispered.
Lauma stripped her down , taking her time to work with Nefer’s exhausted limbs. She was soaked right down to her undergarments , Lauma was wondering how she had even made it to Hiisi island like this.
❝ are you okay with just this ? ❞ Lauma asked , pulling the night gown over Nefer’s head , she was completely bare underneath. Lauma would leave her clothes out by the fire to dry off. ❝ if your uncomfortable I could try and find you something else ? ❞
Nefer shook her head. ❝ this is fine ❞ offering a sad smile. She’d slept in less , and worse. There was something about the fact that this was Lauma’s nightgown that brought her comfort. She knew it shouldn’t , but for tonight , she’d allow it.
Lauma guided Nefer to her private chamber , and gently eased her down into the bed , one they’d once shared a long time ago. She brushed damp hair from Nefer’s face , fingers lingering at her temple , her jaw , touches that remembered old permissions without claiming them.
❝ you’re safe here ❞ Lauma said , before moving towards her closet and pulling out a blanket , and settling it around Nefer’s shoulders , still disliking the way the other trembled in the cold.
Nefer tugged the blanket around her tightly , before looking up at Lauma with an unusual softness in her eyes. ❝ you kept it ? ❞
❝ it was your favourite , of course I kept it ❞. Lauma smiled. ❝ I should have let you take it but - ❞ the sentence died in her throat , and she shook her head. She hadn’t wanted to part with the blanket back then. It was one thing that reminded her of Nefer in the dark nights alone after their relationship fell apart. Perhaps it was unhealthy , but it brought her comfort and she knew even after everything , Nefer wouldn’t deny her that.
❝ anyway ❞ Lauma smiled softly , ❝ you can rest here , I’ll be outside ❞.
Nefer looked up with a frown. ❝ I won’t take your bed from you ❞ , how could she. ❝ if i remember rightly , there was always enough room for the both of us - unless ❞. Her eyes drifted away , perhaps she had things wrong. Maybe Lauma didn’t want to share her bed , Nefer knew she was well within her right to feel that way , but the thought of it hurt all the same.
Lauma reached for Nefer’s hand and sat beside her. ❝ are you sure ? ❞.
❝ please ❞ a whispered plea , it came out too fast , too automatic , too needy , but if that was the only honesty she could give Lauma tonight , she hoped it was enough.
Lauma stood , pulling back the covers for Nefer , who sunk down into the side of the bed she always used to sleep in. She looked smaller now , fragile even. Lauma didn’t like to imagine what exactly had brought her here tonight.
The moonchanter , once happy Nefer was comfortable and settled , slid into bed beside her. She didn’t bother keeping distance , Nefer’s plea had been enough for Lauma to know that she needed her.
❝ sleep now , I’ve got you ❞ Lauma spoke , gently brushing her finger tips up and down Nefer’s arm , just like she used to when Nefer couldn’t sleep.
Exhaustion finally won. Her eyes were heavy , curled up snuggling her favourite blanket , and the weight of Lauma’s presence behind her. Nefer soon allowed sleep to consume her.
Outside , the storm continued. Inside , Lauma kept watch , steady and unyielding , while Nefer slept , held together not by pride or shame , but by hands that remembered exactly how to do so.
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Unfortunately for Nefer , her peace was short-lived. She slept terribly. Her body rested , but her mind was on edge. Each time her breath stuttered , Lauma was there , sometimes with a warm hand at her back , sometimes with a murmur so low it felt more like memory than sound.
❝ it’s only the wind ❞ , Lauma would say. ❝ I’ve got you ❞.
Nefer’s brows knitted together as her fingers twitched against the blanket. Lauma noticed immediately. She always did. Knew now that Nefer was experiencing something far more unpleasant than what meets the eye.
The moonchanter was alert , and ready , sitting beside Nefer feeling that same uncertainty she had many years ago.
Nefer had seemed prone to nightmares , Lauma worked over time trying to uncover the trigger , but she was always left with shades of deflection , until now. She had seen into Nefer’s past , the chess set had revealed some of Nefer’s deepest secrets against her will. Something Lauma would always feel guilty for knowing , but since then , things that Lauma couldn’t piece together all those years ago had started to make sense.
Nefer’s face twisted , clear discomfort crossing her features. ❝ no Lauma ❞ a quiet groan.
Lauma felt her own body tense at the pained whine of her name.
❝ wait , please ❞ Nefer spoke again , louder this time as her body continued to flinch. ❝ not .. safe ❞. She wasn’t making much sense.
Lauma placed a hand on her shoulder , just firm enough to be felt. ❝ Nefer ❞ , she spoke quietly. ❝ you’re dreaming ❞.
Sometimes this worked , a little gentle reassurance in the form of Lauma’s grounding touch and steady voice. Other times , it was useless. Much like now , Nefer’s face twisted in discomfort once again , her breath catching in her throat.
Lauma knew better than to physically shake her awake , she’d done that once in the past , and the singular bad experience was enough to teach her that she needed to not panic in these moments. Nefer needed Lauma’s steadiness rather than deep concern.
❝ Nefer ❞ , the moonchanter commanded a firmer , louder tone. ❝ I’m here , you need to wake up ❞.
Nefer didn’t. Her head turned side to side , as if searching for an exit that didn’t exist. Even in her dreams she needed to run.
❝ open your eyes Nefer ❞. Lauma’s free hand came up to brush away a tear from Nefer’s cheek. ❝ you’re safe , wake up ❞. Her voice was almost pleading.
Nefer finally stirred , eyes snapping open as she took in a sharp intake of air , bolting upright in the bed with such force that Lauma had to reach out and steady her.
Lauma would always catch her , no matter what lay between them.
The moonchanter held her close , one hand rubbing comforting circles on her back , the other resting on Nefer’s chest.
❝ take it easy , I’ve got you , just breathe ❞
Nefer tried to speak but nothing came. Her throat tightened with the familiar guilt and fear flooding in.
❝ breathe ❞ , Lauma took on that commanding , knowing tone once more. ❝ with me ❞. She inhaled a slow , deep breath. Holding it for a beat before slowly exhaling and repeating the process for Nefer to follow. ❝ there you go ❞. Lauma murmured as she felt Nefer’s body start to relax.
They continued like this in silence until Nefer’s breathing was under control. She hated how much she needed Lauma’s comfort. How after all this time , their old routine still worked. She allowed herself to rest her head against Lauma’s chest. Reassured by the steady beating of the moonchanter’s pure heart.
❝ I couldn’t see ❞ Nefer finally spoke. It was quiet but certain. ❝ I couldn’t help , you were - ❞ she inhaled , cutting herself off to take a moment to recenter herself.
❝ you need not explain Nefer , not if it pains you to do so ❞ Lauma offered , still sat with her arms wrapped around Nefer like she was a small child. ❝ I am here , and you need not fight your dreams alone ❞.
Nefer sniffed , but let out a watery laugh. ❝ you always used to say that ❞.
❝ and I meant it did I not ? ❞ Lauma had lost count of the nights spent like this. A different dream , same road.
❝ I’m sorry ❞ Nefer pulled back to face her. ❝ for coming here , for keeping you awake and for - ❞
❝ Do not apologize for needing me , I won’t hear it ❞ , Lauma interrupted , shaking her head ever so slightly. Nefer could only swallow down the rest of her sentence.
❝ you should hate me ❞ , she spoke again after a moment. ❝ and i shouldn’t put your through this ❞.
Lauma frowned. ❝ how could I ever hate you ? ❞ even the thought of it hurt.
❝ how could you not , you know what I was like before , and now you’ve seen everything , why didn’t you turn me away , why are you still , after all the bad things I’ve done , why do you still care ? ❞.
The room fell silent as their eyes were locked on each other's. Both were filled with hurt and sadness , but it was Lauma who spoke first.
❝ why do you have to test me ❞ it was quiet and unusually uncertain , until it wasn’t. ❝ you fight yourself so often , deny yourself the possibility that someone , that I , could see past the walls you’ve built. See the girl who fought to be here today and still deny herself any credibility , you don’t get to punish yourself for surviving ❞. She was frowning , but not angry.
Nefer was lost for words , all she knew was she hated the way her body had begun to shrink down.
Lauma on the other hand wouldn’t let Nefer dissociate. Her hand tightening just slightly around her wrist. Not enough to hurt but enough to be felt.
❝ I won’t let you disappear in front of me , you are worthy of comfort and compassion and love - ❞. Lauma stopped , breaking eye contact with Nefer immediately because there it was. The truth that Lauma had never stopped loving her. Archons had she tried , but nothing ever stuck. Nefer was a mystery that she was determined to learn how to solve.
❝ you should get some more rest ❞ , carefully guiding Nefer back towards the pillows. ❝ I’ll be right here , and if the nightmares come back , I’ll wake you ❞.
Nefer was too exhausted to argue , and perhaps too frightened to delve into what Lauma had meant before.
Lauma settled next to her , laying in a comfortable silence taking watch over the smaller woman.
Nefer found herself shifting , not so comforted and still confused. How could Lauma still care ? The thought was weak now though , she knew Lauma , had even scolded her multiple times for being too soft , too forgiving. Especially to people who didn’t deserve it and especially towards herself.
Nefer turned to face Lauma , who was watching her with a familiar smile. Though when she tried to speak , she found nothing came out. Only she could feel the slight blush that was taking form on her cheeks.
❝ you see right through me , don’t you ? ❞
Lauma only offered a small smile. Both knowing there was no need for a response. Still her hand came up to cup Nefer’s cheek , and Nefer reached up resting her own hand over Lauma’s , allowing herself comfort and grace.
Nefer’s breath was finally steady , and the exhaustion of the night washed over her. She shifted closer to Lauma , breathing in the scent of pine as their bodies touched.
❝ I-is this okay ❞ their face’s inches from each other.
Lauma gently brushed through Nefer’s hair , keeping her close , a thrill in her chest. ❝ of course it’s okay ❞ , she said before leaning forward to place a tender kiss on Nefer’s forehead. ❝ rest now , you’re safe ❞.
Nefer could feel the warmth spreading from her chest as she let her heavy lids drift shut to the sound of Lauma’s soft humming. Falling into a more peaceful sleep.
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Nefer woke fully after dawn , she stirred in her disoriented haze , wrong bed , wrong room , wrong smells. Then she shifted feeling a second weight on the mattress that was far larger than Ashru.
Lauma.
Who was laid on her side next to Nefer , her antlers resting on the pillow.
❝ you’re awake ❞ Lauma said , reaching out , tucking stray hairs behind Nefer’s ear. ❝ you’re warm , I suspect you may have a fever from your trek in the rain ❞.
Nefer raised her brows in response. ❝ it was worth it ❞ her morning voice dry and raspy.
❝ it was foolish … but i understand ❞. Lauma smiled.
Nefer felt her face blush , deeper than her potential fever. She broke eye contact with Lauma for just a second , before letting her eyes drift back. ❝ I’m sorry about last night … about all this ❞. Her voice was quiet , almost timid. ❝ I should go shouldn’t I ? ❞ pretend it never happened.
❝ what ? no ❞ Lauma frowned slightly , taken aback. ❝ you really are impossible you know ❞.
❝ you find it charming ❞.
❝ I do but ❞ Lauma sighed. ❝ did you really mean what you said , even after everything , after … this ? ❞
❝ dear lady moonchanter , you’ll have to be more specific , my morning brain isn’t so sharp on broken sleep ❞ Nefer said with a slight tease.
❝ you .. you really think that we’re not on friendly terms ? ❞ her eyes were so full of hope it hurt to look at.
❝ I - Lauma ❞ Nefer begun , but Lauma cut her off.
❝ no … because if you’re about to deflect to avoid your feelings I don’t want to hear it ❞ Lauma scolded and Nefer’s eyes went wide.
Nefer could hide from many people , in plain sight most of the time , but never truly with Lauma. Both a blessing and a curse.
❝ Lauma ❞ she propped herself up on one elbow , powering through the slight dizziness that came with elevation. Her words were failing , mind spiralling. In truth , Nefer , who had a plan and an exit for everything , was lost. A dear in the headlights facing two options. Retreat , or leap.
And she lept.
Closing the distance between them smiling against Lauma’s lips as they pressed together. Soft and passionate.
It was Nefer too , who had to pull back and ensure the moonchanter was still breathing , letting out a little chuckle as Lauma’s lustful gaze.
❝ that .. is what I think of your friendlier terms. Lauma ❞. Pressing their foreheads together. It was Lauma’s turn to be lost for words. ❝ you still in there moonchanter ? ❞.
❝ I .. I’m here ❞ she breathed. ❝ just taken by surprise , you certainly don’t do things in half measures ❞.
Nefer pulled back , allowing her head to rest back on the pillow. ❝ I’d offer you more but , I think you’re right about the fever , if you don’t mind , I’ll rest a short while and make my way back to the curatorium and get out of your ha- ❞.
❝ you can’t leave ❞ Lauma protested in a moment of lost composure. Far unlike the moonchanter. ❝ sorry for my outburst ❞ she sighed , settling back against her own pillow. ❝ it’s just , I think we should talk , but above all , you’re clearly not feeling your best right now , and it wouldn’t be in either of our best interests if I let you leave , probably to return to work the moment you stepped through the door ❞.
❝ there’s always something to be done ❞ Nefer argued weakly , sleep wanting to claim her once again
❝ Jahoda can handle it , I’ll send word that you’re sick and that the moonchanter is aiding in your healing ❞.
❝ don’t you have other fancy moonchanter duties ❞ an attempted quip , but Nefer was already snuggling into her favourite blanket , in Lauma’s bed , in Lauma’s clothes.
❝ the scions will understand , rest Nefer , I’ll be here when you wake up ❞. Lauma’s hand found Nefer’s hair , gently brushing through the emerald locks in a soothing manner until she heard the others breathing even out.
There was a lot to talk about and even more to process , but as of now her main priority was getting Nefer through the worst of her fever. Reckless thing.
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Nefer stirred mid afternoon , Lauma was still there by her side. She could feel something cold pressed against her forehead , but exhaustion soon claimed her back under before she had a chance for questions.
Lauma was particularly glad that Nefer was able to rest , being awake through a fever this high would have certainly been unpleasant.
She woke again after dusk with a little more urgency than before.
But Lauma was right there , waiting to catch her.
❝ it’s okay , you’re safe , I’m still here ❞.
Nefer found Lauma’s hand and pulled it close to her chest for comfort. Lauma pressed light kisses into her temple , and Nefer settled immediately.
She was the most lucid when she woke at midnight , sipping water from the cup Lauma pressed to her lips.
❝ I’m sorry for being bad company ❞ Nefer spoke weakly.
❝ my dear , you’re sick , please don’t apologise ❞.
❝ it seems you’re always here - nursing me back to health ❞ Nefer smiled.
❝ well if you weren’t so reckless all the time ❞ Lauma smiled back. ❝ perhaps we’d spend more time together under other circumstances , though I can’t say I haven’t enjoyed having you all to myself each time you decided to play the hero ❞.
❝ I don’t always play the hero , I make choices that benefit the cause ❞. She sniped back. ❝ but I didn’t dislike the time we spent together ❞.
Lauma smiled bigger than before. ❝ so what , we’re friends now ? ❞ she teased with a smirk.
❝ you tell me miss moonchanter , is friends all you wish to be ? ❞.
❝ I think you know the answer to that Nefer ❞.
❝ maybe I do , but humour me and tell me anyway ❞.
❝ I think we’re far past ‘just friends’ Nefer ❞.
The room fell into a comfortable silence , without word Nefer shuffled closer to Lauma , resting her head against her chest. Lauma adjusted the pair of them into a more comfortable position. Nefer felt the exhaustion running in her bones , but other than that , for the first time in a long while , she felt peace. With the person she’d always , to her knowledge or not , called home.