Chapter Text
Yeonjun is at their manager's wedding when Taehyun drops a bomb on him; one that makes him almost choke on the champagne he's drinking.
"What," he croaks out after he recovers.
Taehyun's expression shifts just a little bit, hinting at underlying nerves. Yeonjun hates putting him on edge, so he usually measures his reactions— but he can't this time.
"What?" Taehyun parrots back, immediately defensive.
Brat, Yeonjun thinks to himself.
Soobin isn't fazed, though, and doubles down immediately.
"What do you mean you hooked up with Jungkook-hyung?" he asks in an incensed whisper, his face screwing up in disbelief and his ears going pink.
"What do you think I meant by that, hyung?" Taehyun replies, deadpan.
Yeonjun's mind races as he darts a quick look around to make sure that no one around them is listening in or filming. Taehyun is acting completely chill, but Yeonjun knows it's false bravado. That old 'fake it till you make it' mindset that has always served him so well.
Soobin and Yeonjun both stare at Taehyun in disbelief, waiting for some kind of explanation. Kai leans in closer to Taehyun, looking directly in his eyes. He seems to have made a judgement when he leans back in his chair.
"He's not lying," Kai confirms to the hyungs, and then grabs Taehyun's shoulder, "Taehyun-ah, I'm so proud of you."
Taehyun finally cracks. One corner of his mouth tugging upwards in a smirk, he shrugs, a shy glint in his eyes. Yeonjun locks eyes with Soobin across the table. It doesn't feel like Soobin will want to discuss this with Yeonjun separately. His stomach sinks, for some reason.
"You're crazy, Kang Taehyun." Soobin says, shaking his head.
Yeonjun notices that his eyes haven't been as puffy today when he smiles. He allows himself an extra second to look and make sure his observation is correct, then turns away, trying to process what Taehyun has just told them.
He spots Beomgyu a few feet away, returning to their table with two bowls of ice cream, one in each hand. He's wincing forcefully, and holding the bowls with the very tips of his fingers.
Yeonjun can't help but laugh, making Soobin and Kai turn around in their seats. Beomgyu notices the attention almost immediately, and exaggerates the discomfort in his expression even more, even doing a weird waddle-run. He furrows his eyebrows with fake effort, and opens his mouth wider in a silent scream and Yeonjun laughs even harder. Soobin throws his head back too, and Kai covers his mouth to keep his loud giggle muffled.
There's the scrape of a chair next to Yeonjun, and in the next second, Taehyun is beside Beomgyu, grabbing both bowls from him with a grin on his face.
"Aigoo, Taehyunnie, my saviour~" Beomgyu coos, as he sits down between Soobin and Kai, "I would've died of frostbite if not for you."
Taehyun sets the bowls down on the table — one between himself and Kai, one between Beomgyu and Soobin — while Beomgyu tries to warm his hands by plastering them to Soobin's neck. That makes Soobin yelp. He startles so hard that he jostles the entire table.
Yeonjun has to reach out with both arms simultaneously to secure the ice cream before it spills. He's sure he looks like a madman, half spread-eagled over a wedding reception table in his tailored suit. The members' laughter confirms it for him.
Once again, life has proven to him that he can't take these boys anywhere.
"Are you in a sitcom or something?" Taehyun asks, wiping away a tear.
Yeonjun sits back in his seat, only for Beomgyu and Kai to spend the next few minutes mimicking his little stunt. Taehyun and Soobin dig into their ice cream, the song playing over the speakers changes. Another shy kid and overly polite parent come up to the table, asking for an autograph. The night goes on. Yeonjun enjoys all of it — it's been a few weeks since he's seen the members, or been at a big social gathering and it actually feels nice.
He's tired when he and Taehyun climb into a car together, headed towards the dorms. But it's a good kind of tired, he knows he'll get a second wind soon enough. The members and staff have decided to do a little post-event gathering, and he's looking forward to catching up with everyone.
While Yeonjun has been making the most of his break with his family and his friends, he has also realised that he does love his work. He thrives on the constant socialisation of it, of knowing when the hair stylist is in a fight with her girlfriend or when one of the manager hyungs is looking for a gift for his mother's birthday. He loves being Yeonjun of TXT, even when it's hard.
Maybe especially when it's hard.
Next to him, Taehyun is smiling slightly as he types on his phone. Yeonjun wonders if it's Jungkook-hyung. He still can't wrap his head around it, even though lots of idols date or have flings with older idols. They've all joked about it too, given Taehyun's teenage crush on Jungkook. His answer for the question of "Which BTS hyung would you go on a date with?" has stayed the same since they were trainees.
It makes sense that he went for it, and if anything, Yeonjun should be proud of him. Instead, he's left feeling bittersweet. He chalks up the strange sense of foreboding in his stomach to his aversion to change and his eldest hyung protective instincts. He just hadn't realised they've grown so much, that the years had passed them by in this way, too. Yeonjun has always found it hard to accept that the members have matured, especially when it comes to the two maknaes. That's all it is.
The first week after they return to work is maybe the best week of work they've ever had. People are happy, morale is high, and Yeonjun can feel himself feeding off the good energy. He's sleeping better, and their PT has decreed that he doesn't need to diet yet.
Rest has served the members well too — everyone's less prickly, and their jokes have definitely gotten better. Their stamina is going up gradually, and even when they make mistakes during practice, it's easy to brush them off.
Yeonjun finds that he's more patient with the members. The distance has definitely made him fonder. He cries when Beomgyu plays them the finished version of his mixtape song. Soobin laughs at him for it, but he doesn't even mind it. Whenever Taehyun and Kai ask him to join them for a late night snack, he agrees readily. They start recording the new single and he drops into the sessions for the others for check-ins or snack deliveries.
Their schedule is also more packed than it has ever been. They're playing catch-up with choreography, workouts and variety shows. Soobin has the worst of it — filming three months' worth of episodes for his show in just under three weeks. It's brutal, but he doesn't complain. It's a rare occurrence: to be this loved and genuinely appreciated by the general public on Youtube, where idol hosted variety shows are a dime a dozen. None of them take it for granted, and neither does Soobin.
They've all been supporting him in their own ways, offering to go over choreography when he has to miss practice for filming or waiting to eat with him when he comes back to the dorms. They've finally split dorms — Soobin and Beomgyu in one apartment and Yeonjun with the maknaes in the adjacent one — but it's not just Beomgyu who is taking on the latter responsibility. Ever since the break ended, they've made a habit out of hanging out in Soobin and Beomgyu's unit after work, since it has the bigger living room.
That is what Yeonjun is doing one evening, sprawled out on their sofa and scrolling through his Instagram feed. Beomgyu's vacuuming somewhere in the apartment, while Kai is sat in one of the armchairs. They've been here for close to an hour, and Yeonjun is getting impatient.
So is his stomach, apparently, because it rumbles so loudly that Kai finally looks up from his phone game with a chuckle.
"We should order dinner already, what are you in the mood for?" Kai asks.
The vacuum shuts off, and Beomgyu walks in. Yeonjun wonders if he has superhuman hearing.
"Aren't we waiting for Taehyun?" Beomgyu asks, folding Yeonjun's legs so he can sit down on the couch too.
"Aren't we waiting for Soobin?" Yeonjun echoes.
"Taehyun went out to meet someone, Soobin-hyung has two shoots today." Kai doesn't even look up from his phone.
"Who is Taehyun meeting?" Beomgyu asks.
"Two shoots?" Yeonjun worries.
Kai finally looks up at them, a little startled at the interrogation.
"Why are you both being like this? Is my company not enough?" Kai pouts at them, his voice inflected with aegyo.
Yeonjun rolls his eyes, but Beomgyu lobs back an answer in an even whinier tone.
"Of course it is, our cute maknae~"
Kai smiles, satisfied. "Taehyun went to meet Jungkook-hyung. And Soobin-hyung has that filming for Gyuri sunbaenim's YouTube channel."
"Is he on leave?" Beomgyu asks. "He should have offered to treat all of us to a meal, then."
He's grumbling a little, making Yeonjun and Kai share a look.
"Hasn't Seokjin-hyung spoiled you enough?" Yeonjun chides, lightly kicking Beomgyu's thigh. "Let Taehyun have this."
"Plus, isn't he a little bit closer to Jungkook-hyung than the rest of us?" Kai's got a teasing glint in his eyes, the kind that would have gotten him wrestled to the floor if Taehyun had been here.
Yeonjun huffs out a laugh as he sits up, about to tell Kai to pull up the delivery app, when Beomgyu interrupts his train of thought.
"What do you mean?"
"Huh? By what?" Kai mirrors Beomgyu's confusion.
With an uncomfortable twist in his stomach, Yeonjun catches up to what has happened. Did Soobin not tell Beomgyu? Aren't they best friends or soulmates or whatever? Fuck.
"When you said that Taehyun is closer to Jungkook-hyung than us."
Kai looks at Yeonjun, panic clear in his wide eyes.
"Beomgyu-yah." Yeonjun steps in. He has to. His mind spins with indecision — Taehyun hasn't told Beomgyu, neither has Soobin. He should trust their judgement and just stay out of it. That's what he usually does.
But… That doesn't always work in their favour, does it? He's tried that approach before, and it didn't help Soobin last winter.
"The two of them — they go to the same boxing gym, right?" Yeonjun watches Beomgyu for a reaction, to see if he can leave his answer there. The truth sticks uncomfortably to the roof of his mouth.
He looks at Kai, who gives him an imperceptible nod. They'd said no secrets at the last team meeting, after all.
Beomgyu just nods, eyebrows furrowed. "And?"
Yeonjun mentally curses Kai for his loose tongue, and then Soobin for being absent, and then Gyuri sunbaenim's team for scheduling Soobin's shoot tonight of all nights. He tries to put himself in Beomgyu's shoes instead of making a rash decision. He would have wanted to know if— it has helped to know whenever Soobin was dating someone. But it sucked hearing about it from other members. Made him think of Soobin as a coward.
"And that's it." Yeonjun shrugs and reaches for his phone, avoiding Beomgyu's eyes. "What are we eating, anyway?"
The evening goes without a hitch after that. They get some pork bossam and salad bowls. Kai is the only one dieting officially, but they're all watching what they eat. The company told them two months ago that everyone needed to be toned for the summer release, not just one or two of them.
Kai puts on an episode of Weak Hero Class while they eat, and Yeonjun surreptitiously fires off separate let's talk for a minute when you get back texts to both Soobin and Taehyun. He enjoys the calm of sharing a meal with his dongsaengs after that, his heart somewhat at rest after the panic of nearly messing up.
Their relationship as a team is very solid, but also delicately intertwined. They've known each other for a decade now, which means that theirs is a trust that cannot be shaken. But ten years is a long time, and sometimes things slip through the cracks. Sometimes Yeonjun will cross the line without knowing there is one, and end up hurting something that he thought was unbreakable. Things go unsaid and resentment gets buried between two people, all while the others remain none the wiser.
They've all accidentally uncovered hurt that wasn't ready to be out in the open, pressing on bruises without knowing they were there. Yeonjun doesn't want to put Beomgyu in that position again, so he feels good about erring on the side of caution.
After dinner, they clean up while Beomgyu complains about Soobin's messiness. Yeonjun goes into a little bit of a food coma, and zones out on the sofa, determined to stay up until he can talk to either Soobin or Taehyun.
Soobin returns first — the beeping melody of the keypad announcing his arrival. It's gone midnight though, and Kai has retreated to their dorm while Beomgyu is playing a loud match of League in his own room.
Soobin appears visibly confused by the normalcy when he walks into the apartment. Yeonjun regrets not letting him know that nothing bad had actually happened yet. He unzips his oversized jacket and drops his massive bag on one of the armchairs.
"Did you wait for me?" Soobin asks after he has stepped closer, towering over Yeonjun, who is sprawled out on the couch.
It's a mundane question. Bland, almost. And yet, Yeonjun's heart clenches. He blames it on the late hour and sits up, trying to shake off the ghost of a feeling.
"Yeah, but it's not urgent. Go wash up and then we can—"
"Thank god, hyung!" Soobin exclaims, and then he's rushing off into the apartment. "I need to pee so bad, you would not believe—"
Yeonjun can't help the chuckle that escapes. He lays back down, and listens to the sounds of Soobin washing up. Surprisingly, he misses them now that they're living in separate dorms. There is a comfort in Soobin's hour-long shower playlists. They float over in the air of the dorm to cover Yeonjun like an old blanket — it's thinner than it used to be, but it still feels familiar and its warmth is irreplaceable.
In the old dorm, Yeonjun had been the only one who could share a bathroom with Soobin. The others were too inconvenienced by how he would hog the shower. Yeonjun, on the other hand, found that he couldn't bring himself to complain. He knew Soobin would use that time to think and decompress, to just be by himself after an entire day of being their leader. Yeonjun knew the weight of expectation too well, and if letting Soobin take long showers was how he could help him lay his burdens down, he would do it every night.
It's not his place to do that anymore though, so he sits up on the sofa and puts the past firmly out of his head before it leads him somewhere he could regret going. Instead, he picks up his phone and continues texting Chan about the new sauna he wanted to go to.
When Soobin comes out of the shower with a towel around his neck, his hair is still wet and he's soft everywhere. Clothed in old sweatpants and a hoodie, with his elbows and face looking pink and moisturised.
"Did you forget to dry your hair?" Yeonjun asks, tossing his phone to the side.
Soobin's hand flies to his head in alarm. Then, he lets out a long annoyed sigh that borders on a whine. Yeonjun shakes his head, fond. He must have been exhausted.
"Come here." Yeonjun spreads his feet apart, making space on the floor. "Hyung will do it for you!"
Yeonjun makes grabby hands at Soobin, excited at the prospect of making Soobin complain by aggressively drying his hair. It really is the small joys in life that keep people going.
He's met with an unimpressed look as Soobin just stands there.
"Is the 'hyung' even in the room with us," Soobin grumbles, before making his way over to sit on the rug in between Yeonjun's legs.
Yeonjun grabs the towel from around Soobin's neck, and is hit immediately with the familiar scent of a post-shower Soobin. Clean and so close, after so long. They haven't done this in a while, and Yeonjun almost freezes, his mind tugging him towards memories that he'd locked away a long time ago. Muscle memory takes over, and Yeonjun tells himself to just stay in the moment goddammit.
"What happened, then?" Soobin asks. "I saw your text."
Yeonjun rubs the towel into the back of Soobin's head, where his hair is shortest. He drops his voice a bit, conscious that Beomgyu is still awake.
"Did no one tell Beomgyu about Taehyun and Jungkook-hyung?" Yeonjun gets straight to the point.
Soobin whips his head around, panicked. Yeonjun coaxes him to turn around, massaging his shoulders lightly to get him to relax.
"How did that even come up?" Soobin asks.
"Taehyun went out to dinner with hyung tonight and Kai said something about it — you know how Kai has been about this whole thing — and Beomgyu was just confused. I caught on though! I didn't let it slip."
Soobin finally lets out a sigh, settling back against the couch. "That's good. It's good you were there, hyung."
Yeonjun preens inside at the compliment and goes back to rubbing the towel into Soobin's hair, gentler now.
"But why does he not know?"
"I don't think Taehyun tells him these things. Especially since when he rejected Beomgyu back then, he was so sure he didn't like men. It's his way of apologising."
Yeonjun winces. "Is that a sore spot between them? They're so close though."
"Beomgyu's just been in a weird space after his last breakup. He keeps going back to all the other what-ifs and—"
Yeonjun hums thoughtfully. "And one of them is Taehyun. Maybe it is better if he doesn't know." He lets out a little frustrated noise then. "Ah, I wish he had let me threaten that cheating fuck."
Soobin huffs out a laugh, before turning around to look at Yeonjun. "You're not that type of scary, you know? No one thinks you're going to beat them up."
Yeonjun looks down at Soobin, and lets himself be baited by the teasing twist of his smile. "What kind of scary am I, then?"
Soobin looks at him for a moment and his mouth twitches — Yeonjun knows he's thought of something to say, but is holding himself back. The air between them shifts.
Yeonjun hates when Soobin does this to him. It makes him want to claw into his chest to find every feeling he has ever felt.
"What do I know," Soobin shrugs, before turning around. "I'm not scared of you."
Yeonjun digs his big toe into Soobin's thigh until he jumps. "Yah. Choi Soobin."
"Ow! Stop it!" Soobin grabs Yeonjun foot and pins it down to the floor. His hands are warm. Yeonjun tries not to think about how big they are and fails.
"You've got your chance now anyway, go threaten Jungkook-hyung." Soobin jokes.
Yeonjun snorts then starts giggling at the thought of even trying, and Soobin joins him. It's nice, to laugh like this after a long day. To have Soobin come home to Yeonjun and to take care of him, in some small way.
"But, hyung," Soobin says after they've calmed down and Yeonjun has started drying his bangs, "Should we worry about Taehyun? I mean, if they're going to dinner, it's not a one-time thing."
"It's weird, isn't it?" It spills out of Yeonjun, all the initial disbelief he'd felt. "He's idolised hyung for so long, and— I don't know. Maybe it's because Taehyun is still eighteen in my head, so I'm being protective."
"Are you worried that hyung is going to… take advantage?" Soobin's voice is cautious and stilted. Yeonjun has to hurry to pull him away from whichever direction his head is going in.
"No! Soobin, come on." He clears his throat before continuing. "I'm just scared it might be overwhelming for Taehyun. He hasn't really done this before."
He hears Soobin breathe a sigh of relief. "Okay, yeah— but, I mean they have to learn. Taehyun hasn't done anything but one night stands before, but he could be good in a relationship. He's thoughtful."
Yeonjun realises that, like they often do, he and Soobin are looking at this from different angles. He takes a few seconds to think, and get to the crux of his worries so he can tell Soobin clearly.
"He is, you're right. I guess I just didn't realise we were old enough to date sunbaes now. It was always something our sunbaes did."
Soobin hums and nods. "It's a little crazy, isn't it?"
Yeonjun is satisfied with how dry Soobin's hair is by now, so he lets the towel fall around his neck. Then, he taps his shoulder to get him to turn around.
"How did your shoots go? Two back-to-back is a lot."
Soobin shifts a bit where he sits, to face Yeonjun more comfortably. The back of his head is warm against the inside of Yeonjun's thigh, a glowing point of contact. They've done this before at some point in the last ten years, Yeonjun is sure of it, but it feels like the first time right now, in this dorm that he doesn't actually share with Soobin.
"I'm tired but, ah," Soobin pauses just to smile, dimples digging into his cheeks. "Gyuri-noona is so charming, you know? I can't believe I get to be so— so comfortable with her."
"Yeah?"
"She even said she'd take me out to try some fancy liquor, without the cameras." Soobin is giddy to be sharing this, despite his exhaustion.
Yeonjun should be happy at the sight of his dongsaeng's happiness, and he is, but. There is also an ugly discomfort brewing in the pit of his stomach, and he does not know what it means.
"Really?" he manages to say. "Did you drink together?"
"Yeah, but not a lot. She asked me about my alcohol preferences— Oh right!" Soobin slaps Yeonjun's thigh, remembering something suddenly.
"Yah!" Yeonjun hisses in pain.
"Sorry," Soobin sends him a sheepish smile, withdrawing his hand in apology. "I remembered that I wanted to ask you about something. I mentioned you during the interview."
Yeonjun's interest piques, and the uneasy feeling inside him pauses to listen to Soobin.
"It was something that— well, I think I mentioned it once at a fansign or something during debut, but not since then. I don't think you've talked about it either."
Yeonjun swallows around the anxiety that bobs in his throat. That could mean so, so many things. A lot of those things would paint him or Soobin, or both of them, in a very unfavourable light.
Soobin is looking antsy too, his leg shaking relentlessly against Yeonjun's ankle.
"Ah, it's nothing bad. I just—" Soobin inhales deeply, bracing himself. "Noona was asking about my alcohol tolerance, and I ended up telling her about the first time I drank and how you had to carry me home on your back."
The tension leaves Yeonjun's body in a rush, leaving him defenceless against the warmth that floods his face and neck when he thinks of the memory. He hasn't thought about that night in ages. It doesn't always feel nice to look back. A few years ago, he was even convinced that that's when it all started to go wrong.
But tonight, the memory comes to him in the shape of something soft and embarrasing. Childish, almost. It sparks a fondness in his heart, for the younger Yeonjun.
It must show on his face, because Soobin's eyes are reflecting that fondness right now, and his anxious leg has gone completely still. A steady and stable weight against Yeonjun's foot.
Something about how Soobin is looking up at him now, with a cheeky slant to his mouth and that fond twinkle in his eyes reminds Yeonjun of that night too. He has to hide his face, closing his eyes against the silliness of their younger selves.
"Ah, it's embarrassing!" Yeonjun cries out. "It's embarrassing to even think of!"
Soobin's laugh rings out, airy and bright. Yeonjun removes his hands from his eyes and shoves Soobin lightly, which only makes him laugh more.
"Why are you telling me now after you already said it on air anyway?" Yeonjun whines playfully.
Soobin chuckles. "They'll remove it if we want them to! Just say the word—"
"Ah, whatever!" Yeonjun waves a dismissive hand in the air. "I have nothing to be embarrassed of, anyway!"
Soobin raises an eyebrow, a wordless challenge. Yeonjun almost bites the bait, lulled by the comfort of the night and the ease of talking to Soobin like this, almost tangled up in each other. But, he knows Soobin wouldn't ever want to actually talk about that night.
He just rolls his eyes then, pulling back before they enter dangerous territory.
"What did Gyuri noona think of that, anyway?" Yeonjun asks, switching gears.
"She found it cute, I think," Soobin shrugs. He's acting nonchalant, but Yeonjun can tell that he's excited about that.
His stomach twists again, that uneasy feeling from earlier returning. Soobin is cute. Lots of people find him cute, especially older artists in the industry. Yeonjun's never had an issue with that. If anything, it's only ever made him proud.
He's proud tonight too, he decides. It must have been nerve-wracking, being invited to his idol's show. But Soobin went and made a good impression despite having such a busy day. Yeonjun should be normal and proud about it. He resorts to the oldest coping mechanism in his book for undefined Soobin problems — channelling his inner oldest-hyung side.
"You did well, then, if the end result was her finding you cute. Good job, Bin-ah."
Yeonjun cups the back of Soobin's head gently, smoothing his hand down the nape of his neck. Soobin smiles quietly in thanks.
At this point, Yeonjun should pull his hand away, and Soobin should change the topic. But Soobin's neck is warm and strong against his palm, and he's looking at him with an openness in his gaze that Yeonjun cannot look away from.
Yeonjun counts himself down in his head, five, six, seven, eight, just like he does in rehearsal. He feels his hand leave Soobin's neck. It's not perfect. His fingers linger and he checks Soobin's expression for a reaction. Old habits. Bad habits.
Yeonjun clears his throat, and shifts before he speaks.
"You should start going to bed. It's been a long day."
Soobin lets out a heavy sigh, as if he's letting the entire day escape from his system with the exhale.
"You too, hyung. It's a late call time for me tomorrow, so I'm going to sleep in."
"You excited about that?"
"Oh yeah. I've been looking forward to it all week."
Yeonjun snorts at that. Soobin heaves himself to his feet, and Yeonjun follows, picking up his phone.
The rest of the dorm is quiet now, Beomgyu no longer screaming into his gaming headset. Yeonjun hadn't noticed it at all.
Soobin follows Yeonjun to the door, and holds it open for him. He waits while Yeonjun crosses the corner of the hallway to the other dorm, and watches Yeonjun key in the code. He always does this for the members, needing to make sure they get home safe, despite home being just a few metres away.
When the door opens, Yeonjun steps inside and turns around to say goodnight to Soobin before he closes it. He doesn't quite manage it, though.
Soobin is leaning against his door, with a soft, sleepy smile on his face. His hair is all mussed up from Yeonjun's fingers. Something about it all makes the words die on Yeonjun's tongue.
Soobin waves, mouthing a silent goodnight. Yeonjun can only mirror him before he has to close the door. He wrenches that image away from his brain before it decides to run with it.
Yeonjun hates to be that person. The hopeless romantic. The impulsive lover. A pining fool.
He has curbed those instincts to an extent, now that he's twenty-five (or half-fifty, like Beomgyu likes to remind him) and not eighteen. But, he was eighteen once, which meant that once, he was a romantic, a lover, and a fool simultaneously.
He'd develop crushes on just about anyone he got along with when he was a teenager. No new addition to his ever-expanding friend group at school was spared the clumsy, curious infatuation of Yeonjun's teenage heart. But he got over those crushes just as quickly, sometimes not even noticing when the thrill of getting a new person's attention faded.
Being a trainee had added another layer of excitement to Yeonjun's crushing habits. New people were being introduced into Yeonjun's daily life constantly. Boys who shared the same interests as he did. His heart had ample fodder for the first year that he was a trainee at Bighit, but the financial situation at the agency was dire, and training was exhausting. At fifteen, there was so much that Yeonjun hadn't understand about the adult world, but he was being forced to contend with its impact on his own life. He had coped how he knew — by looking for distractions.
Wooyoung and Yeosang took Yeonjun under their wing almost instantly after he arrived, and they got along like a house on fire. Wooyoung, with his quickfire wit and sharp eyes, became Yeonjun's first confidante — and his first crush among the trainees.
Yeonjun had confessed accidentally, one day in the park when their vocal teacher was running late. It felt freeing when Wooyoung giggled brightly, the tips of his ears going pink.
He'd called Yeonjun cute, said he felt something but wasn't sure what it was. Yeonjun, brazen from the compliment, could only think of one response: kiss me, that's the only way to know. Wooyoung had laughed louder, covering his mouth with a hand. The blush spread to his cheeks.
That's where Yeonjun's memory dissolves into itself. He doesn't remember how or when, but they had kissed. Yeonjun remembers the initial rush of oh, I'm kissing a boy, and the way his heart was beating in his ears. But, then, it was just okay. He was kissing a friend — he didn't mind doing it and it was kind of funny, but he didn't actually want to, anymore.
Wooyoung had then called him a fool, hit him lightly on the head and told him to be pickier with his crushes. It had all been a ruse, Wooyoung revealed, to show Yeonjun that he shouldn't be so careless with his affections. But Wooyoung was self-admittedly a hypocrite, who suffered from the same recklessness. They started discussing their taste in boys almost obsessively, in every free moment they could find between dancing for hours and being yelled at by vocal instructors.
It was the perfect distraction for those first few months, until Yeonjun did his first monthly evaluation. Their manager informed him that he would be participating at the beginning of the month, and what followed that meeting was the most stressful month of fifteen year old Yeonjun's life.
He stayed behind to practice in the basement studio every night, until the only other person in the building was Suga-sunbaenim, locked away in his own little studio at the end of the corridor. Wooyoung and Yeosang managed to drag him to school on time, while his mother frowned at how much weight he was losing.
Yeonjun worked himself to the bone that month, consumed by a strange sort of desire — to prove himself, to make his mother proud, to show everyone that he was serious and here to stay. To Wooyoung, he admitted that the only thing he realistically wanted was to not place last. There were twelve trainees, and Yeonjun would consider himself successful if he placed eleventh on the ranking.
Wooyoung had laughed and told him that he had absolutely nothing to worry about. The strange fire in Yeonjun's chest refused to be placated.
He blacked out during the evaluation — barely aware of making decisions while he performed for their stern trainers. When he was done and catching his breath — it felt like they criticised him relentlessly. Lack of expression, barely any control over his voice.
Yeonjun followed every word. Remembered it all until years later. The scene of his first evaluation feedback would become a mainstay in his nightmares for the rest of his life.
They asked him if he was aware of what his body was doing, how his voice was sounding. He'd thought of lying for a second, but he couldn't. What did he have to lose now that he had failed?
He admitted that his nerves got the best of him, that he couldn't remember what he did and how he did it.
It was their debut team dance instructor, the one who had moved to Seoul after working in Malibu, that said the thing that Yeonjun would carry with him throughout his career.
"Your memory blacked out and you don't remember how you did, but if you look behind you — all the other trainees are in shock. You hit every beat you planned to hit, and you didn't forget a single lyric. It's the muscle memory, saving your ass. All that practice making sure you don't embarrass yourself."
Yeonjun had finally looked up at that, a beam of hope striking him clean in the center of his chest.
"If you keep practicing with the same passion and discipline as you did this month, I can make this work," she finished.
The ranking was posted up on the trainees' notice board an hour after the last evaluation, long after the sun had set. Yeonjun overheard some of the hyungs say that this was the longest the staff had ever taken to decide.
He remembers running out into the basement corridor with the others when someone came into the practice studio to yell that the rankings were up. He remembers feeling like he was going to throw up. He remembers Wooyoung reassuring him with a whispered you won't be last, I promise. He remembers that strange fire next to his heart, roaring back to life with a vengeance.
Yeonjun remembers placing first across all categories in his first ever evaluation as a trainee at Bighit. The heat in his chest spreading into his entire body, replacing disbelief with relief, pride and the realisation that now that he'd placed first, nothing else would do.
That was the day he first learned to name the fire inside his chest that pushed him to do the reckless things, catching on anything that caught his fancy. The fire that he was born with. The fire that he would wrestle with for the rest of his life. His ambition.
More than a decade later, between sets of cardio and weights at the gym, Yeonjun wishes, not for the first or last time, that he did not harbour such great ambition. He curses the past him that resolved to debut as an idol while his thighs burn on the treadmill.
The rest of the members are scattered around the gym too, working their way through a circuit that was designed to get them all ready for tour and the digital single. Kai jogs on the treadmill next to Yeonjun while Beomgyu is doing arm curls with their trainer. Taehyun is spotting Soobin while he does some shoulder exercises on a machine across the room. Yeonjun watches as Taehyun touches Soobin intermittently to correct his form, on the neck or the shoulder, once on his lower back. The sight causes an irrational sliver of annoyance under Yeonjun's skin. How come Taehyun gets to just rest while Yeonjun is panting and trying not to die on this treadmill?
Yeonjun huffs and checks the timer on his machine. Three more minutes. Yeonjun groans. His calves are on fire. He debates just sliding off the treadmill, imagining the various ways his spine might crack. He groans again, causing Kai to laugh next to him. Yeonjun rolls his eyes and focuses on finishing off his run.
After he almost cries when the timer beeps, the treadmill slows down to let him do a few minutes of walking to cool off. He zones out, tracking the repetitive movement of his shoes. He likes working out, but only for this purpose. The exhaustion is mindnumbing, and keeps him from overthinking.
A few minutes later, Yeonjun is lying on the padded floor of the gym, willing some of the sweat on his body to dry off before he has to take Beomgyu's place doing weight training with their trainer. He'd been tweaking some lyrics for the new album before this session, and he'd come to the gym still unsatisfied with a couple of lines.
Yeonjun's turning those same lyrics over in his head when he hears a bit of a commotion from the other side of the room. He looks over to find someone greeting Soobin and Taehyun. It's a man, in tshirt and gym shorts, with a towel around his neck, a duffel bag in one hand and the one of the most perfect butts Yeonjun has ever seen.
Soobin goes to hug whoever has stopped by to greet them, but then he stops himself and explains something, pointing to his sweat-drenched shirt. All three of them laugh, Soobin's face scrunching up sheepishly. His eyes turn into embarrased crescents, and his face is glowing from the sweat that he must have only just wiped off.
Yeonjun should go up and say hi too, he thinks. Taehyun and Soobin are clearly friendly with this person, so Yeonjun must be too. He's trying to gather the strength and willpower to get up from his spot on the floor, when Soobin extends a flexed arm to the newcomer. It makes Yeonjun freeze. The man turns to feel Soobin's arm, slim fingers pressing into a bulging bicep.
Yeonjun realises two things in that moment.
First, that Soobin's friend is Boo Seungkwan of Seventeen, well known as the only idol Soobin ever chased down and asked to hang out.
Second, Soobin is fucking ripped.
Yeonjun's gut twists in a knot of annoyance and jealousy. A sense of dejection spreads through the rest of his body. Still, Yeonjun keeps watching.
Seungkwan's fingers seem small compared to Soobin's bicep, and Yeonjun wonders if he's seeing things because of the distance. Seungkwan's hand tries to circle the muscle, and Yeonjun's brain short-circuits. He has to look away.
He hates himself immediately.
Yeonjun turns away as he gets up, holding in a groan at the burn in his legs, hoping to make it as surreptitious as possible. He chooses to go wait by Beomgyu, with his back to Taehyun, Soobin and Seungkwan.
"You ready to go next?" The trainer asks Yeonjun, smirking.
"I'm looking forward to it." Yeonjun replies, deadpan.
Beomgyu manages a smile, despite all the wincing he's doing as he finishes his last set. The trainer chuckles too. Yeonjun wonders, not for the first time in his life, if all personal trainers are sadists.
Beomgyu groans with effort, but holds in any complaints as he does another rep. He's wearing a tank top, and Yeonjun notices, for the first time, how much broader his shoulders have gotten. Beomgyu had worked out consistently with their trainer over the break, and it had clearly paid off. He'd also bragged consistently, annoying the hell out of Yeonjun. This had meant that Yeonjun was refuting any flexing he'd been doing since they came back to work.
But he had to acknowledge it now. Beomgyu had worked hard, and it showed. Yeonjun decides to tell him later, at practice, where he would have the space to bounce around after getting shy like he tends to do after compliments.
Beomgyu just nods at Yeonjun before they swap for the weight training machine. As Yeonjun takes his spot, he prays to the god of working out and sweaty gyms, to grant him freedom from the unease that had been plaguing him since he saw Boo Seungkwan grip Soobin's bicep.
He chances a glance in their direction as he sets up, and finds that Seungkwan is nowhere to be found anymore. A relieved sigh escapes him. It would be disastrous for Yeonjun to mess up on a weight training machine just because he can't outgrow his juvenile feelings. Not to mention, he would look fucking stupid.
When he starts the exercise, Yeonjun feels the burn in his forearms and his shoulders for the first few reps, and it takes his mind off his feelings. The trainer counts, and Yeonjun fixes his gaze outside the glass windows. He picks a billboard of IU on one of the neighbouring buildings to focus on.
The second set of reps is easier, and the ugly feeling creeps in again. Yeonjun tries to reason with it, to acknowledge the probable source like his therapist tells him to. He was… caught off guard. He hadn't realised Soobin had kept up the exercise intensely enough over his break to gain that much muscle. But then again, it had been a long time apart. In the decade that Yeonjun had known the members, none of them had spent this much time away from each other. None of them had. Obviously, he was going to change in some way. By the end of his second set, Yeonjun decides that he isn't affected by the presence of all that muscle on Soobin, just what it symbolises.
The third set, then, is spent tackling the problem of Boo Seungkwan. Yeonjun frowns — that's unfair. Seungkwan isn't the problem. No one ever says anything bad about him, and for good reason. He's clever, unfailingly polite and brought Yeonjun one of his most rewarding friendships. Three years ago, Seungkwan had been the one to suggest that Chan film a dance challenge with Yeonjun during a comeback cycle, since they were the same age. He'd promoted it a bit too — commenting effusively on Instagram and thanking Yeonjun.
Chan had quickly become one of his closest friends, along with Changbin. Over the last few years, many nights were spent pouring out their deepest worries to each other, matching bracelets had been exchanged and they'd accumulated a solid shared list of favourite restaurants and bars.
So really, Seungkwan wasn't the problem. Yeonjun had always been really grateful for him. What used to bother Yeonjun is how, after they'd met up the first time, Soobin had told the fans that Seungkwan was the first person he'd really chased to contact and meet up. He'd proclaimed that he wasn't the type to chase, nor to be so brazen, but he'd really wanted to discuss old k-pop with Seungkwan.
Yeonjun groans, half at the memory and half at the burn in his upper arms. He was really hoping to be over this by now. It had always been silly, but right until the winter that Soobin sought out Seungkwan, Yeonjun had been used to being a part of Soobin's firsts. They'd spent the first few years of their friendship pushing each other to be reckless, to take risks. Yeonjun hated responsibility, but he had taken immense pride in being ready to catch Soobin if he fell. Arms held out wide open, heart on his sleeve.
Ten years ago, Soobin had been the one to start that string of firsts between them. Yeonjun had merely followed along at the beginning, confused. But there was an invisible force pulling him toward Soobin, and Yeonjun hadn't realised how far he was gone until it was too late to pull back. Soobin's loud and delighted celebration of his approach of Seungkwan had left Yeonjun reeling with perceived betrayal. He'd wanted to storm into Soobin's room in the middle of the night, demanding to know how he could so easily forget something they'd built their entire friendship on. He'd spent more than one night awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, imagining marching right into Soobin's room and confronting him about his lies.
But, it wouldn't have been fair — to Soobin or himself. With time, he could also see that he had definitely overreacted, his hurt sharpened by how he and Soobin had come to their agreement not too long before his friendship with Seungkwan began. Yeonjun had mistakenly laid claim to something that he never knew that he deserved and now he was having to pay, with a very ill-timed spiral.
That entire incident had been a wake-up call for Yeonjun. He'd gone too far, let his feelings control him too much. He had called Wooyoung that week, asking to be set up on a blind date. Two weeks later, he'd hooked up with enough people to be sick of one night stands, and felt numb enough to start acting civil with Soobin.
Seeing Seungkwan so close to Soobin, being reminded of that perceived slight and the horrid, shameful spiral that followed it, left Yeonjun feeling more tired than he usually did after his workouts. His mood was suffering, which wouldn't work for the three hour-long dance rehearsal they were scheduled to be at after this.
He'd hit the gym showers with the other members, but found himself dragging his feet because of the irritation that buzzed under his skin. Yeonjun had worked really hard to get past that horrible phase in their friendship. It wasn't fair, he thought, that it could all still unsettle him.
He decides to get a coffee before practice as he dresses in the empty locker room. He'd resolved to cut down on caffeine this year, but he didn't want to be snappy in the dance studio and ruin the streak of positive, fun practice sessions that they currently had going.
Yeonjun makes sure he has all of his things before leaving the locker room. He debates between asking a protocol team member for his coffee order and risking being shamed for giving up on his New Year's resolution, or awkwardly making his way to the artists' lounge by himself. He's so lost in thought that he narrowly avoids walking right into someone in the gym lobby.
"Wh—"
It is absolutely ridiculous that he recognises the cologne before Soobin even turns around.
"Hyung, you okay?"
Soobin's eyebrows furrow in concern. Yeonjun feels a warm, gentle touch at his elbow. He focuses on it and breathes deeply, letting Soobin's presence ground him.
"Were you waiting for me?"
Soobin shrugs and tilts his head towards the door.
"We can walk to practice together."
Yeonjun narrows his eyes at Soobin. Takes a step back to assess him properly.
"Something's off." Yeonjun mumbles.
Soobin's standing a bit awkwardly, one hand gripping the massive bag on his shoulder and one shoved in his pocket. As Yeonjun looks him up and down, he finally gives in and rolls his eyes.
"God, hyung, you're so annoying." Soobins huffs.
He shifts his bag off one shoulder to dig through it for something. Yeonjun waits, and resists the urge to gloat. He's not as oblivious as the boys like to say he is, after all. Soobin finally pulls out something, a chilled glass bottle that gets pressed into Yeonjun's flustered hands with some force.
Almost immediately, Soobin turns around and walks right out of the gym. Yeonjun, bewildered, takes a quick glance at the beverage in his hand. It's an iced americano, a nice brand, from the fridge in the artists' lounge.
Yeonjun rushes out of the gym, jogging a little to follow Soobin. There is a strange but familiar flutter in his chest. Somehow, Soobin had known that Yeonjun wasn't feeling his best, and had rushed from the gym to the artists' lounge and back, just to get Yeonjun the very thing he'd been craving.
He wants to ask Soobin what this means but at the same time, he never wants to face him. It's not unlike Soobin to notice that a member is tired or bothered. But, he typically asks before doing something nice, wanting to make sure that what he's offering will actually be helpful.
This brazen, self-assured kindness feels new to Yeonjun, and he finds himself unable to respond. He only catches up to Soobin at the elevators, the doors opening as he approaches. Soobin holds them open as Yeonjun gets in, but Yeonjun can't meet his eye, not even to say thank you. He feels shy, which isn't uncharacteristic, but it is a bit embarrassing.
There are other staff members and idols in the elevator, which saves Yeonjun or Soobin from having to discuss the still-cold bottle of coffee in Yeonjun's hand. Yeonjun isn't sure what to make of it, but he takes it as a sign from the universe that he was doing the wrong thing by worrying about the past, and resolves to not give in to the bad kind of nostalgia anymore.
In the few weeks that Soobin had been a trainee, he had never seen Choi Yeonjun annoyed. He could be cocky and presumptive, sometimes even arrogant, but he wasn't as moody as some of the other teenagers that frequented the musty trainee practice rooms of the BigHit building.
Soobin had noticed that Yeonjun had been cold and grumpy that morning at the dorms as everyone got ready for school or training. Then, he'd been called to the office by a manager before he even finished his cereal, which made everyone in the kitchen/living area fall silent. A morning meeting on a weekday was never good, Soobin had learned. Nine out of ten times, it meant that you were going home. But Yeonjun had just rolled his eyes, and took his time finishing his cereal before leaving the dorm without a word.
This did not bode well for Soobin, who was planning to seek Yeonjun out later. because he could not afford to get cut after only a month as an idol trainee.
The agency had brought in a fresh crop of trainees, including Soobin, and their first assignment would be to cover Seventeen's Mansae. The catch was that they would do it in two groups — experienced trainees versus new recruits. Soobin's team was expected to look to the older trainees for guidance, and the more skilled team was expected to set an example for everyone.
Most of the other boys thought this was a nonsense exercise. There was no way the new recruits could win over trainees with years of experience. But, Soobin saw through the staff's motives. The staff member who casted him had made it quite clear that skill wasn't everything.
"Of course you have to be good on stage, Soobin-ssi, but not everyone has the stomach or the heart to become good on stage. Do you catch my meaning?" she'd said, as Soobin waited to sign his contract.
This was a test of attitude, for the new trainees as well as the old ones. Soobin didn't know how to put that into words for his team members yet, but he was trying to figure it out. They desperately needed some motivation, or they would all be screwed.
Soobin was scared, but that was nothing new. He'd been scared since the summer, when he'd secretly filled the form to audition for BigHit. Trainee life had been a big adjustment, but his years as a k-pop enthusiast gave him a sense of wonder about it all and made it a little bit less stressful. Every time Soobin found himself waiting a long while in line for the showers or waking up with aching limbs, he would tell himself that KARA Gyuri must have gone through the same thing too.
His trick had helped so far, but Soobin was curious about how the others coped. He hadn't gotten close enough to anyone to have a conversation like that. The older hyungs scared him — anything could turn into a hazing opportunity for them, and Soobin liked to steer clear. The younger trainees, on the other hand, were so wide-eyed and intimidated that Soobin didn't want to spook them any further.
There was also the omnipresent issue of his debilitating introversion. Before his first rehearsal with the trainees, he'd watched Yeonjun and Wooyoung fool around as they stretched to warm up their limbs. Wooyoung was singing a Beast song as he tried to get in Yeonjun's way. He kept messing up the lyrics though, and eventually Yeonjun cried out, "Someone get him a lyric sheet before I kill him, please!" into the hustle of the practice studio. Everyone chuckled or outright laughed, entertained by their antics.
Soobin, however, could only manage an awkward smile. He knew every word to that song, knew exactly which lyrics Wooyoung was messing up. What he didn't know was how to approach them, how to speak up and join their interaction. What if he messed up the lyrics while correcting them? What if he spoke up, but they didn't hear him? What if one of the older trainees heard him and thought he was being disrespectful?
So it went in his head, his thoughts circling each other, like a dog chasing its own tail. The moment had passed. Soobin had been left sitting by himself against the mirror.
Now, he shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked to the agency from his high school. It was only September, but fall had come early this year, heralding winter. Soobin felt like the seasons were rushing him, hurrying him into this next phase of his life. He hated this feeling, wanting to drag his feet and take the longer route to the agency building.
But the wind was picking up, and dusk was falling earlier everyday, and Soobin needed to just go find Choi Yeonjun and be turned down after partaking in the humiliating ritual of asking a handsome, older and much cooler guy for help.
The agency building wasn't much warmer, but Soobin was still grateful to be inside where it wasn't windy anymore. He checked the time on the wall clock hanging behind the front desk, before he rushed downstairs into the basement.
He has thirty minutes to look for Yeonjun and utterly humiliate himself before the start of his vocal lesson.
Soobin opened doors and peeked his head into the handful of music studios and vocal practice rooms along the narrow corridor. He did have a feeling though, that Yeonjun was going to be in one of the trainee practice studios.
While Yeonjun was also the best rapper and vocalist amongst the trainees, Soobin could tell that his true love and passion lay in dance. He took it seriously, but also found immense joy in it. Nothing could intimidate him when it came to dance, neither gruelling, repetitive rehearsal, nor the introduction of a new style or choreography.
Soobin's intuition was confirmed when he got to the smaller dance studio. Yeonjun was the only one there, frozen in his school uniform as an English song played from the shitty old sound system. He looked questioningly at the interruption at the door.
Soobin gulped. Took a step into the room, letting the door close behind him. All the words he'd rehearsed on his way to the agency had left him.
Yeonjun's brow furrowed, clearly confused.
God, what was he doing? Why was he wasting Yeonjun's time when he had other shit going on?
"Soobin, did you need any-"
"Why did you get called into the office this morning?"
Soobin cursed internally. He hadn't meant to ask that, at all. He bowed his head in apology immediately.
"I'm sorry! I don't- I shouldn't have come in and just-"
Soobin cut himself off, taking a breath to get his shit together. Yeonjun spoke before he could.
"I'll tell you if you want to know."
Soobin had looked up, startled. There was no snark in Yeonjun's voice, just exhaustion. All Soobin could do was nod.
Yeonjun bit the inside of his cheek, looking directly at Soobin, as if still considering whether he was worth the trouble.
"You know how Hyunwoo-hyung is always smoking behind the convenience store before he comes back to the dorms, right?"
Soobin nodded. Seo Hyunwoo had been one of the oldest trainees at the agency, and consequently, a terrible bully. Soobin had maybe said two words to him since he joined, and he wanted to keep it that way.
"Well, I took Kang Taehyun and some of the others to the store after practice last night. You know Kang Taehyun, don't you? Big eyes, tiny face, sharp nose. Handsome kid with the brutal honesty."
Soobin nodded again. That was a very accurate description of Taehyun, who Soobin already had a soft spot for.
"Taehyun got his things first and left the store to wait for the rest of us. But when we came out, we didn't see him anywhere. We heard some noises though, and I went around to the back of the store to check by myself."
Yeonjun grimaced, probably at the memory of what he had seen. A pit of dread formed in Soobin's stomach. Yeonjun sighed.
"Is Taehyun okay?" Soobin rushed to ask. He couldn't remember whether he'd seen the younger boy in the dorms this morning, and worry gripped him out of nowhere.
"I- yeah. Hyunwoo-hyung had him by the collar when I found them. He was trying to force Taehyun to smoke his lit up cigarette. I separated them somehow, but Taehyun insisted on leaving immediately. I didn't— I couldn't confront hyung. Couldn't tell him that he was-"
"A fucking coward and a bully?" Soobin couldn't keep it in anymore. Anger was rushing through his veins, and his fists curled up at his sides.
Yeonjun smirked slightly. "That's one way to put it, I guess."
Soobin noticed that Yeonjun's lips were bitten raw, and looked away quickly. "Did you-um. Did you report him? Is that what the meeting was about?"
Yeonjun's face became solemn. "Taehyun forbid me from doing it, or telling anyone else, on the way home." He groaned, and for a moment, his frustration hung heavy in the air of the old studio. Soobin stood in the middle of the haze, confused and angry and concerned, all at the same time.
"But the imo who runs the store, she saw it all happen from one of her windows. She knows we're from this agency, knows all our names."
The pieces fell into place in Soobin's mind.
"She came by this morning to report it, out of concern." Yeonjun sighed. "They kicked Hyunwoo out, and Taehyun and I both got put on probation."
"What?! But he was targeted, and you protected him, it's not-"
"Fair?" Yeonjun asked, eyebrow raised, arms crossed. "They just said we needed to learn to be responsible for ourselves, that it was a public altercation that could be used as evidence of bullying later if we debuted, and that we should have reported it even if no one actuallly got hurt."
Soobin scoffed. "Should I go report ssaem for the dance lesson a couple of days ago, then? That's such bullshit."
Yeonjun sighed and shrugged, then unwrapped his arms from around himself. Soobin didn't understand how he had been moping all day about this, but now had somehow made his peace with it. Yeonjun was full of contradictions, Soobin surmised. He jumped a bit when he felt a touch on his forearm, over the sleeve of his school uniform.
"Can I ask you for a favour, um…Soobin-ah?" Yeonjun refused to make eye contact, but his warm hand stayed steady on Soobin's arm. "Is that okay? Can I call you that?"
Soobin's introversion came back in full force, making him stutter out a quiet "Of c-course."
"Will you keep an eye on Taehyun for the next couple of days? See if he's eating enough, and stuff. He'd hate me for hovering, but I- I am worried still."
Soobin had never seen Yeonjun look this hesitant before, the emotion in his eyes completely unguarded. Taehyun must mean a lot to him, Soobin thought. How lucky, a voice said in his head, unbidden. It surprised Soobin into responding.
"I- Of course. I will."
"And let me know if anything is off?"
"Will do. Hyung."
Soobin tacks the honorific on as an afterthought, but Yeonjun's eyes widen a bit when he hears it. He looks at Soobin, as if to confirm what he said, but looks away without another word. Soobin notices that they're standing quite close, closer than he remembered them being.
He should've taken a step back. He'd wanted to. But something refused to let him.
"I also- um." Soobin cleared his throat, and Yeonjun's hand fell away from his arm. Soobin tried to not think about the warmth he was instantly missing. "Can I ask you for a favour too?"
Yeonjun's eyebrows furrowed. Something in his eyes shuttered. Soobin felt like he'd made a mistake. Maybe the worst move possible.
"Is that why you came in here?" Yeonjun's voice was thin with disappointment.
Soobin considered lying, but he couldn't bring himself to. "I- yes. It's my team, for the evaluation assignment. We can't figure out this one formation transition at all. I promised them I would at least ask you for help. You can say no, of course-"
"No, it's alright." Yeonjun sighed and stepped away. "I'll come by after vocal lessons for ten minutes. Maybe fifteen if I can."
Yeonjun turned around, walking away to turn off the sound. It was a silent sign for Soobin to leave, but he still couldn't. He was expecting to feel immediate relief at Yeonjun's agreement, but it didn't come. Instead, he could only feel disappointed at the increasing distance between them.
This had been the most meaningful conversation he'd had with any of the trainees so far. Yeonjun had trusted him, with his secrets and with Taehyun's care. Soobin couldn't leave it on this confusing, disappointing note.
He scrambled for the backpack on his shoulder, and dug through it for the snacks he'd bought on his way to the agency. A strawberry milk and some gummy bears.
"I'm glad you didn't get kicked out, hyung." Soobin called to the other side of the studio.
Yeonjun stopped, then turned around, an amused smile on his face.
"Is that what you thought happened?"
Yeonjun slung his bag over his shoulder, and started walking towards Soobin. Something was different though — Yeonjun's steps seemed more purposeful now. Soobin felt a weird tug below his navel as he watched him come closer.
"Yeah, that's what all the guys were saying after you got called in this morning. They were so sure of it too, which obviously, makes them look so stupid now. Have you met them? Do they know you're back? I kept thinking about it at school and-"
"You were thinking about me at school, Soobinie?" Yeonjun tilted his head, interrupting Soobin's rambling. His eyes glinted with the cockiness that had been missing in them all day.
Soobin wasn't usually a fan of the attitude, but it felt different now, facing the sharp tilt of Yeonjun's smirk alone. His face heated up, and he wished it was dim enough in here that Yeonjun wouldn't notice how red his ears were surely getting.
But Yeonjun wasn't looking at his face. Soobin felt slender fingers wrap around his own. He was sure his ears were crimson by now. His internal prayers switched focus towards his heart, which was beating a very loud rhythm in his chest.
"And are these for me?" Yeonjun lowered his voice.
Soobin thought he heard a hint of disbelief and it confused him. Yeonjun was popular at his school and at the agency, why would some snacks surprise him? Soobin didn't trust himself to speak with so much on his mind and Yeonjun close enough that Soobin could smell a hint of his fading cologne, so he just nodded to answer Yeonjun's question. Quickly, he pushed the snacks into Yeonjun's palms and stepped back.
"You keep surprising me," Yeonjun mumbled, almost to himself.
Soobin wondered if he was meant to hear that, but he could kind of empathise with Yeonjun.
"I never do this kind of stuff, so don't get used to it," he blurted out without knowing why, swinging his backpack over his shoulder again.
Yeonjun raised a questioning eyebrow. Soobin clutched the straps of his backpack tighter, failing to ignore the defensive itch under his skin.
"I don't usually go looking for people, or bring them things." He hated the words the moment they left his lips, and instantly wished that he could take them back. He scrambled for something to make it better, but the only thing his brain grasped is the truth, "But I'm glad I did today. Thank- thank you for agreeing to help us. And telling me what happened."
Yeonjun stood there, an unreadable look on his face.
"How come it was you who came to ask me? Did you win a bet?" he asked finally.
That surprised a laugh out of Soobin, and he just shook his head, surprisingly amused. One day without it, and he'd actually missed Yeonjun's characteristic cockiness.
"Hyung, I'd love to tell you, but I'm gonna be late for my lesson and so are you, come on."
With that, Soobin turned around and walked towards the door, trying to suppress a smile. Teasing Yeonjun felt more natural, more like the dynamic he was used to having with his close hyungs.
Soobin couldn't help his grin as he walked out the door, an annoyed "Wait, you can't just-" following him before Yeonjun caught up to him.