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They're all drunk when the topic comes up. lno's the one to bring it up, laughing so hard she'd fall over if it wasn't for Chouji steadying her.
"My first time was so bad, man. We had no idea what we were doing at all!"
To Naruto's surprise, it's Shikamaru who really turns it into a conversation rather than a one-off comment by sighing, "oh yeah, mine too. Temari thought she had to lay back and let me do things and I thought I had to take the initiative, too. That did not work for us at all. She was totally not into it and I was mostly annoyed about how bothersome it was. I just wanted to go and jerk off in peace."
"I must admit my youthful speed was to my detriment in that instance," Lee adds, blushing heavily.
He's followed by Tentern burying her head in her hands and admitting, "I couldn't get Gai-sensei's awful talk about the birds and the bees out of my head the whole time. I was dry as Suna." Sakura chokes on a laugh. "I mean, all first times are kinda bad, I think, but that's uniquely awful," she cackles.
Naruto's so happy to see her laughing so freely that he doesn't even really think. He just says, "mine wasn't, but I get what you mean."
He doesn't realize his mistake until he notices that every person at the table is staring at him. Even Shino.
Ino's the first to crack.
"Yeah, sure! You've had sex. Shadow clones don't count, idiot."
Naruto jumps on the opportunity to wiggle his way out of this. "Oh, uh, they don't? Whoops. How embarrassing for me. Forget I said anything, then!"
His attempt to lie has the opposite effect of how he planned this to go.
Shikamaru is looking at him like Naruto's a shogi game he's about to lose.
Ino has stopped laughing and is staring at him in slackjawed shock.
Sakura looks a little betrayed, even.
"When?!" Kiba bursts out.
"Heh, would you look at the time, guys? I think I gotta go. I promised Kakashi I'd check on his plant is all."
He tries to stand up and flee, but Sakura grabs his wrist and pulls him back down so hard Naruto hears something in his knee pop.
"Oh, no. You are not running away from this! Why didn't you tell me? Was it with Sasuke?"
Just the thought makes Naruto gag a little. Simultaneously, he wishes it was that easy.
Looking around the table, he knows he really won't get out of this. Even if he made it out now, they'd hunt him down and demand answers later. So, he resigns himself.
Head sinking onto the table, he moans, "way worse."
"But you said it was good," Lee objects youthfully.
"It was. And you're gonna think I'm insane."
"Oh, come on! It can't be that bad," Chouji coaxes optimistically. He always was too optimistic and kindhearted, always seeing the best in people. It's one of the things Naruto likes about him, usually. Now, though...
"At least you can't get me thrown out for treason 'cus Kakashi-sensei already knows and he's Hokage so he gets to decide what's treason," Naruto sighs, half to himself.
Ino screeches, "treason? What did you do?" at the same time Sakura yells, "you told Kakashi-sensei before you told me?" Which, alright, fair. He should clear that up before she rightfully pulverizes him.
"I never told anyone. Everyone who knows was there at some point. Pervy Sage knew from the beginning and Kakashi found out later."
"Oh my god," Tenten gasps. "Oh my god, tell me you didn't fuck Jiraiya!"
"Oh, ew! No!" Naruto yells. That's even worse than Sasuke.
Really, he should just say it before they keep giving him nightmares about all the people he could've had instead.
"It was Itachi and Kisame, okay?"
"I had a lot of theories. But nothing could've prepared me for that," Shikamaru says calmly. He proceeds to down his entire glass.
"You fucked the fish guy?" Kiba asks, sounding more than a little weirded out.
Neji adds, "you really do nothing by halves, do you? A threesome for your first time..."
It seems Sakura has had enough time to recover, as well.
"I didn't know what could be worse than you fucking Sasuke behind my back, but you're right. Fucking his homicidal older brother behind his back actually is worse."
"You make it sound like it's a regular thing! It was one time!" Well... "One and a half," Naruto amends.
"Yeah, no, we're gonna need the whole story on this."
Looking at the gleam in Ino's eyes, Naruto knows that the only hopes he should hold onto are that
1) not the entire village knows by tomorrow evening.
2) they're never talking about this again.
3) some of his friends are too drunk to remember this come morning.
4) nobody actually tells Sasuke.
"Okay, so. I was travelling with Pervy Sage. And we're at this inn. He drinks a lot of expensive sake, lets the inn keeper keep a tab, says he'll pay it in the morning. Runs off to go perv on women instead. So now the inn keeper expects me to pay, but I don't have that kind of money, right? So I ended up doing a bunch of work for him. And I'm on the last task, I just need to bring up some food to the room next to us and then I'm finally done and get to go back to bed. And who is in the room next to us? Of all people it could be?"
Naruto pauses for dramatic effect. He's also been gesturing liberally in the retelling of his story. Everyone is listening so eagerly, it's actually kind of fun. Once they're practically at the edge of their seats in anticipation, Naruto continues.
"The actual fucking Akatsuki. Well, two of them. I didn't really know what to do because I didn't have any weapons, I was chakra exhausted and we were way too close to a bunch of civillians and I didn't know where Jiraiya was so I decided not to fight. I kinda thought I'd just wait until we were far enough away and I had some chakra back and then I'd raise hell but... Kisame dropped this stupid line," Naruto recounts.
He can't help the fondness that overtakes him at the memory.
"Something about making my heart race. And he was holding me and he called me sweetheart and he was so warm and Itachi was really pretty... So I ended up offering sex in exchange for letting me go. And then we had sex and they let me go."
"You can't skimp on the details like that!" lno protests.
"Do we actually need to hear the rest?" Kiba whines, looking a little green, and gets back a resounding, "yes!" from both Sakura and lno. Tenten is also nodding sagely.
"I'm afraid to ask, but what do you want to know?"
Naruto's kind of resigned to this by now.
"You said it happened more than once, what happened the second time? How did it come to a second time?" Shikamaru asks before anyone else can derail him, ever the sharpest of them all even when he's drunk.
"That was when Kakashi found out. We happened to cross paths on a mission. I kissed them as kind of a goodbye. We went our separate ways. Sensei had a crisis about the whole thing. Nothing crazy, honestly."
Shikamaru looks like he wants to know more about that, but he's used all the time the girls were willing to wait.
"Cool, whatever, how big were they?" Ino asks with a gleam in her eye. She seems really interested in this whole thing, he's realizing.
Naruto shrugs. "I dunno. I didn't look at Kisame, he was behind me, but it felt pretty big. And I know I didn't gag on Itachi's, so not, like, huge for him. Maybe like this?"
He gestures an approximation with his hands.
"You just don't have much of a gag reflex, Naruto," Sakura surmises.
"Oh. Well, it's not like their dick size was really that important, anyways, I wasn't super focused on that."
"What were you focused on, then?"
The more important question in Naruto's opinion is why Sai is getting involved in this discussion. Why does he care? Then again, he's with Ino. He probably loves gossip. Or he's just interested because she's interested.
"They both had a really nice voice? I know that stood out to me. Itachi had really nice hands. He held my hand the whole time, actually. Kisame was just really warm and, like, plastered to my back. All the physical contact was really nice. He also bit me a couple times. The marks didn't last long, of course, but I liked the thought of it. I wonder if I could let them heal naturally if we could do it again, now. Not that it'd be an option even if they were still alive. I think Kisame meant it when he said he'd actually eat me next time," Naruto muses ruefully.
It's a bittersweet thought, how things could've been. What-ifs concerning Itachi and Kisame always are.
"So you're telling me," lno says very carefully, "that you got into bed with an absolute hunk like Kisame and the main thing you cared about was his fucking voice? This was wasted on you. It should've been me."
Naruto doesn't examine the violent jealousy that grips him at the idea that it could've been someone, anyone else with them.
He owns a lot more than he used to nowadays, but he's still possessive and he truly considers those few scarce moments he had with Itachi and Kisame his. They may not have had a conventional relationship of any kind, but in a way, a small part of them will always be his.
He thinks they used to feel the same about him.
"He was calling me sweetheart with it. Obviously I cared about that," is all he lets out.
"So they were... gentle?"
Sage, even Hinata is asking questions about it, now. Naruto should go check and make sure the world isn't ending outside.
But Sakura would just yank him down again, so he answers instead. "They tried to be. But I thought I might cry if they continued so I told them to knock it off."
He shouldn't have said that.
Does he ever learn? Inevitably, someone asks. It's Chouji and he looks confused as he questions why gentleness would make Naruto cry.
Naruto takes a page out of his sensei's book and buries his face in his hands to compose himself before he finally answers, "what would it say about Konoha if the gentlest touch I knew was that of two violent criminals?"
Despite all the noise all around them, his friends' silence seems to encompass the whole room.
Shikamaru throws back his refill, gets up and decides, "I'm bringing you home."
Naruto goes without arguing.
He doesn't remark on how closely they walk on the way back, but he appreciates the way their shoulders brush.