Chapter Text
The air in the ruined theater was thick with the smell of gunpowder, crushed velvet, and the distinct, coppery tang of freshly squashed billionaires. Lyle Lipton’s body lay spectacularly flattened beneath the remnants of a grand piano, officially marking the end of the line for the old man.
Standing triumphantly that the mission worked, Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie dusted off their hands. Blitzo wore a grin so wide it threatened to split his face, leaning casually against his flintlock. Moxxie adjusted his bowtie with a smug little huff, while Millie giggled, twirling her battle axe before holstering it.
They had won.
The target was dead, and the overly cheerful, sickeningly sweet agents of C.H.E.R.U.B. had failed miserably.
Across the debris-littered stage, Keenie, Cletus, and Collin were in a state of absolute panic.
"Quickly! Before anyone sees the mess!" Keenie squeaked, her voice bordering on hysterical.
Her small hands came together, a silent prayer. Then, a brilliant portal of pure gold flared to life, a radiant swirl of light. A distant echo of a celestial chorus filled the air.
The three cherubs were off like a shot. Eager to avoid the colossal mess, they soared upwards, plunging toward the inviting, ethereal radiance of the heavenly gates.
BZZZZT!
A jarring, electric crackle completely drowned out the angelic choir. Instead of soaring through the clouds, the three cherubs slammed face-first into an invisible, impenetrable barrier. They peeled off the barrier like cartoon bugs on a windshield, tumbling backward in a pathetic pile of ruffled feathers and bruised egos onto the splintered floorboards.
Blitzo barked out a harsh laugh, pointing a finger at them. "Oh, that is rich! Looks like Daddy Upstairs changed the locks!"
Cletus sat up, rubbing his rapidly swelling snout. "What the?!" he yelled, his voice cracking. "The portal! It rejected us! " Before any of them could attempt another dive, the golden light of the portal shifted, morphing into a sterile, bureaucratic white. Floating down were a group of cherubs. Flanking the front were two buzzing, uniformed bees and two perfectly groomed sheep, their expressions utterly devoid of sympathy.
Leading the pack was Deerie.
The deer-like cherub trotted down the ethereal steps with an infuriatingly bouncy gait. With a flick of her hoof, a pair of sharp reading glasses and a pristine clipboard materialized out of thin air. She settled the glasses on her nose, looking down at the crumpled trio on the floor with a mix of pity and absolute disdain.
"Sorry, Cletus," Deerie began, her voice dripping with that sickening, singsong tone of a retail manager delivering terrible news. "But your actions resulted in the death of a human. You can't re-enter Heaven. Yeah, no..."
Cletus, Collin, and Keenie froze. The color drained from their already pastel faces. "What?!" the three of them shrieked in unison, their voices echoing off the ruined theater walls. Deerie offered a tight, unsympathetic smile, tilting her head. "Yeah, sorry! Yeah, no." Collin, trembling from head to hoof, took a hesitant step forward, his large, tear-filled eyes looking up at the head cherub. "Deerie, please... is there anything we can do?"
Deerie didn't even look up from her clipboard. With a casual flick of her wrist, she conjured a glittery nail file and began to meticulously file her perfectly manicured hoof.
"Yeah, no!" she said brightly, letting out a soft, condescending chuckle. "No, no, no." To drive the point home, Deerie pointed her freshly filed hooves directly at Collin, Cletus, and Keenie in sequence with every no, as if explaining the concept to toddlers.
Keenie's temper finally snapped. She stomped her foot, pointing an accusatory finger across the stage. "But we didn't mean to! We'd never intentionally harm a human! It was all the demons! They interfered!"
Deerie stopped filing.
The infuriating smile vanished from her face, replaced by a sharp, calculating glare that seemed entirely out of place on the Cherub. She lowered her clipboard and locked her eyes on Keenie.
"Demons?" Deerie repeated, her valley-girl accent suddenly edged with pure ice. "Why didn't you call for an exorcist then?"
Keenie spun around, furiously pointing toward the spot where the I.M.P. crew had been standing. "They're right—"
She cut herself off. Across the stage, Blitzo was already waving a heavy, leather-bound grimoire in the air. A portal of swirling red and black hellfire tore open behind him.
"Alright, this HR meeting is getting way too boring for my taste," Blitzo called out, flashing a mock salute. "Have fun with your performance review, sky rats! Smell ya later." Moxxie and Millie stepped through the fiery rift, and with a final, obscene gesture, Blitzo vanished, the portal snapping shut behind him, leaving nothing but the smell of ozone and brimstone.
Deerie’s glare shifted from the empty space where the demons had just stood, back to the trembling trio. The sheer incompetence of the C.H.E.R.U.B. agents seemed to genuinely baffle her.
"You didn't call for an exorcist?" Deerie demanded, stepping closer, her tone dropping its artificial sweetness entirely. "Didn't you even think to call for me, or hell, for our boss Nunnally or Emily? We have protocols for a reason. You are agents of Heaven, not street brawlers."
Cletus wilted under her gaze, his usual bravado completely evaporated. He looked down at his boots, twisting his hands together. "We know... we are sorry."
Collin sniffled, wiping a tear from his cheek. "...so?"
Deerie sighed, tapping her clipboard against her chin as she recalculated the situation.
The presence of demons changed the paperwork significantly.
"We are all returning to Heaven," Deerie announced. "You three will tell Commander Lelouch everything you saw here today."
Keenie blinked, her anger momentarily replaced by utter confusion. "Why Commander Lelouch? Isn't he in charge of the Vanguard? He only attacks when there are high demons. These are hellborn; a 2-class exorcist would be enough!"
Deerie’s expression grew grave, her eyes darting to the scorch mark left by Blitzo's portal. "That magic they used to escape... that was a grimoire. It's not a standard Asmodean Crystal. That means a Goetia must be helping them; that means it's a full crime. The Commander will want to know that Hell's aristocracy is interfering with mortal affairs. He will take care of it himself."
Cletus’s eyes lit up with a sudden, desperate spark of hope. "So... everything is okay? We aren't banished? And not getting punished?"
"You aren't banished." Deerie let out a sharp, incredulous laugh. "But! You're restarting the CHERUB school from the ground up for even considering fighting a demon hand-to-hand while on a mission."
She leaned in, her voice leaving absolutely no room for argument. "We help humans. We bestow blessings. And if demons interfere, we summon an exorcist who kills and hunts the demon while we work, most of all when it's more than we are on Earth. We do not engage. Do you understand? That is what you learn in the first hour. You were 3 cherubs, and there were 3 demons; you made that error.
The three cherubs looked at each other, their shoulders slumping in defeat. The prospect of going back to basic training was humiliating, but it was far better than being exiled to Earth forever.
Cletus, Collin, and Keenie sighed in unison. "Fair."