Chapter Text
It all started during the summer before seventh year.
The summer before seventh year, where Remus John Lupin had decided he'd had enough. Enough of responsibility, of rules, of being an outcast to the societal standards of teenage rebellion.
He wanted a life.
He wanted to try new things, fit in, and find out what exactly was so amazing about that life. The life everybody knows about, but nobody dares to live. The lifestyle that simmers in shadows and dark alleyways, constantly drawing you in. A life of partying, drinking, drugs, and girls. What did every other teenager get to experience that he couldn't?
He couldn't remember a time where he hadn't been sat inside of any small corner of his room that he could find, hunched over a notebook, or some classical literature, or even a guitar, wondering when it'd be his turn to socialise and greet the wider world. When it'd be his turn to truly fit into this societal conformity.
He wondered whether he would ever break free from the constraints of his former, younger self, in which he had been the lonely, scarred child. The one that nobody had wanted to play with, the one that indulged in mindless hobbies instead of true communication.
Once he had joined Hogwarts, his loneliness had gotten better. The feeling of constantly melting away into the background had simmered into a thought that lingered at the back of his brain, and rarely bothered him when he was with his friends.
His friends.
James, the brightest, most inspiring boy you could ever meet. He was the first to meet Remus out of the four, and after introducing himself and acknowledging the quiet, scrawny boy he had seen at the platform, James had decided that Remus would be his first friend.
James could make anybody open up to him, and with Remus that was just it. He gave Remus a voice, a place in the world, opinions and personality. No matter where they were, or what situation they were in, James had made him feel wanted.
Through dragging him to the occasional, unwanted parties during first year that Remus had hated and most likely not been invited to, James made him open up.
He introduced him to new people, gave him some great memories, and never asked for anything in return.
He was a great friend.
Sirius, on the other hand. Sirius was interesting. Of course, he was great as well, but he was interesting.
Sirius meant the most to him out of all of them, and he was never afraid to say it because everybody knew it. It had become a fact, a testament to the Hogwarts social network. Sirius and Remus were two people that could never be separated, that would never even think about it.
While James had introduced Remus to people and made him feel welcome, Sirius didn't care, or want, to introduce him to anybody. Sirius just wanted to have him as a friend. And he did.
Sirius had always been loud. Loud enough to command the attention of an entire room, perhaps even the entire world, but he never let Remus get drowned in the noise.
Remus didn't even think Sirius knew he was popular.
Since his substantial growth and charismatic appearance had suddenly emerged in third year, Sirius was never seen without a girl hanging onto his shoulder again. Everybody knew that, and as much as Remus didn't want to be okay with that, (if anybody ever asked him to further his thoughts on this, he would never) he had to.
Sirius was wild, and he made sure to drag everybody into the chaos with him, but that's why they loved him.
Finally, Peter Pettigrew. Remus found Peter to be his solace through the craziness of the other two. Peter had never been shy to them, in fact most of the time he spoke just as much as Sirius and James, but he sort of drowned out due to their supposed glory. That was where Remus came in. He understood Peter, and Peter understood him.
All in all, he loved his friends.
But, they were narrow-minded.
He knew that the collective reply to that statement would probably be 'How dare he think that?' Since Sirius and James are probably the most bizarre, impulsive creatures on the planet, and along with Peter, you've got three hooligans that are always down for anything.
But Remus knew better. While they held this continuous front of avidity towards the wild, they had always had an air of superiority around them.
There was a time during the second term of sixth year where Remus had seriously considered running away from his father, Lyall.
Lyall was a part of the Political Party Against Foreign Creatures at the Ministry of Magic. He had raised Remus alone because of his wife, (and Remus' mother) Hope Lupin, passing away due to childbirth. He was a terribly unscrupulous man, never afraid to say too much or too little, even towards higher authorities, which eventually led him to his downfall, when Remus had been around two years old.
When he had been bit by the widely known and feared werewolf, Fenrir Greyback.
After that, nothing had been the same. He knew that his father blamed him for his mother's death, and hated him for being one of the dark beings he used to loathe. On the rare occasions that Remus saw him, their meetings almost always ended in fights and screaming matches surrounding every subject under the sun.
Most of the time, Remus tried to deescalate the situation, but with his father's anger fuelled directly towards him the entirety of those early spring months, Remus had found himself cleaning up shards of glass from thrown vases and plates on multiple occasions.
It had become routine, Remus had practically raised himself, and when his father returned to their home in West London every few months after long weeks spent in different countries at foreign offices, Remus almost always forgot he had a father.
When one particularly bad fight on a free weekend during half term had ended with a cold, monotonous stare from his father, and Remus' eyes fighting back tears with blood dripping down the side of his face, he had decided he didn't want this.
He didn't want this man to be a part of his life.
So, the idea of running away from home, if he could call it that, came to mind.
As soon as he got back to school, he decided to sit down with his friends, and tell them. Obviously, he didn't immediately command their attention. Rather, he waited for a late afternoon in which he felt comfortable and wanted. It would be easier to approach them with such an uncharacteristic idea from him.
It had also been a while since Sirius had ran away, almost two years, and while it was a completely different situation as Sirius had ran away for his general safety, he found himself comforted in the fact that Sirius had gotten so much help from all of them after it had happened.
He believed that perhaps they'd understand what he was going through, and treat him the same way, even though it wasn't as important?
So, on a late spring afternoon, while sitting in the nook of a windowsill in their dorm room with Sirius, James and Peter beneath him planning another prank whilst playing exploding snap, he decided to tell them.
James had immediately reacted with shock, intending to change Remus' mind and come up with a list of why that was an incredibly bad idea. Sirius showed dismissal, most likely thinking of his own traumas and, although he didn't mean to, comparing his with Remus' in his mind. Ultimately, Remus could tell that Sirius found his situation to be appealing compared to his own. Peter was inherently confused, and had fully turned towards Remus, almost comically, whilst dropping the cards he had formerly been holding.
Overall, the reactions were anything but what Remus had been wanting. Not an ounce of understanding, acceptance, or help could be seen. Only deferral.
So, to avoid any further conflict, Remus took back his words and forgot all about the situation.
Apparently, so did they. None of them mentioned the topic again. No one asked if Remus was doing alright at home after the free weekends away, no one really brought it up the following last few weeks of sixth year, and it seemed as if no one cared.
Remus knew that wasn't true. He knew that they cared about him, he loved them for it, and he knew they were just confused. He'd noticed the times when James would pause in the middle of a sentence and turn towards him, as if about to say something, but always decided against it and proceeded to turn away. He noticed every late evening where Sirius wouldn't take his eyes off him, worriedly searching his face for any indication that he was alright, and that he didn't really need their help. Remus suspected he'd found it, somewhere in Remus' carefully placed facade of indifference, as Sirius never mentioned his predicament again. He noticed that Peter's eyes widened a little more whenever he spoke to him, as if he was scared of confrontation and sheltering himself from anything Remus would say.
So, they were narrow-minded.
Narrow-minded in the way that they had always held a small, simple, and diminutive view of the world. They lived in a world of harsh blacks and contrasting whites, never venturing into the vast grey areas that the world was unknowingly submerged in.
He believed that Sirius understood him the most, and had somewhat stepped foot into this world of grey, what with his shaky family background and younger feelings of inadequacy within the world.
But then he'd observe Sirius' feelings towards members of his family, such as his brother, Regulus, and his cousin, Narcissa, two people who Remus knew weren't as terrible as he made them out to be, and he'd realised that Sirius truly couldn't understand how other people would want the things and the life that he didn't. He couldn't grasp the deep history of thoughts that lied within each person and made them choose every decision they'd make.
All together, they also seriously doubted Remus. It wasn't as if they were doing it on purpose, but he could tell they didn't hold him to the same standard as James or Sirius.
With Peter as his equal, it never really bothered him, but that spring term he found himself remembering each moment he was doubted.
He couldn't count on both hands the amount of times James and Sirius undermined him in the topic of relationships, and girls.
Ever since the topic of girls had first come up within their friend group during a late night in first year, the option had always been there for Remus, and he knew it.
He was appealing, what with his popularity, his kind and charming attitude, and his intellect matched with the beauty in the ruggedness of his scars, his somewhat tan italian skin and his golden brown curls.
But the boys didn't seem to get that.
He had received attention from girls before, but he'd never acted on it, and the guys had never really mentioned it. He didn't know if they'd noticed at all, as Sirius and James had also received their fair share of experience in that area, and so it was nothing new to them.
By fair share, he meant that Sirius was sort of... known for his conquests within the female population at Hogwarts, and although James continuously pined towards Lily, he had experimented quite a bit throughout the years.
But he always remembered a moment where they had laughed.
It was a simple laugh out of James and Sirius, even Peter smirked a bit, but to Remus, it meant everything.
It was during their third year.
They were discussing Sirius' persistent failure to arrive on time whatever the situation whilst sat in the library, when suddenly a girl came up to the group of them and looked up at Remus.
She spoke shyly, "Hi! Um.. I'm Harper. Harper Crellbern. I'm in second year? Anyway.. I wasn't going to say anything because.. well because it's so embarrassing, but my friend's sort of convinced me.. to.. um. Well, to come up to you?"
Immediately a wave of confusion hit Remus, as the young, extremely beautiful girl stumbled over her words.
"I'm sorry.. do I know you?" Remus replied.
"Oh, no! No, nothing of the sort, it's just, I've sort of had.. um.. a crush? On you? Again, I really wasn't going to say anything, but my friends just.. they shoved me over here, so." She began to say frantically, becoming red in the face after her confession.
Remus slowly looked up to the background and saw a trio of second years sat around a table, giggling to themselves and staring directly at him.
Before he could respond, he felt an arm suddenly being flung around his shoulder.
"That's cute, very cute. Who put you up to this? Listen, your pranks are getting better, but there's no way we'd fall for that. What did you expect? That he'd immediately reciprocate your little feelings, and you lot would be free to coerce all of our secrets out of him? Hm. Smart, if it had been anybody else, but we're the Marauders. Isn't that right, Moony?"
As Remus realised what exactly Sirius had said, he had already begun talking again.
"Why don't you go right back over to your friends, and plan something better next time?"
The young girl, Harper, immediately ducked her head down and went back to her friends, red with embarrassment.
As soon as she sat back at her table in the distance, Sirius resumed their former conversation without another word of what had just happened.
"Why did you do that?" Remus questioned.
Sirius paused and turned, replying "Listen, Moony. You're with us, you have to be able to spot when somebody's lying. Obviously they were trying to prank us, why else would she say she had a crush on you?"
Sirius chuckled, James laughed, Peter smirked, and they went back to their conversation.
But Remus felt weird. Sirius had implied that there was no possibility, ever, at all, that the girl could've just had a crush on him. It never even came to mind.
As they continued their conversation, Remus felt himself floating in the background, the feeling of patronisation still lingering in his thoughts.
Though it shouldn't have, as Sirius most likely meant no harm, it stuck with him.
Then, back to sixth year, there was the Gryffindor party.
The Gryffindors always went all out for the final match of the year, no matter who won.
Just by his luck, Frank Longbottom, also known as the Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, had elected James and Sirius to be his co-assistants in throwing the biggest party of the year.
This meant for a crazy couple of weeks in which James and Sirius planned absolutely everything they could, from the lights to the decorations to the drinks to the invites.
When the day finally rolled around, a random Friday a few weeks before the end of sixth year, Remus was in a bad mood.
The moon was the Tuesday of the following week, and so the effects were starting to weigh down on him. Not enough that he couldn't do anything, in fact he felt fine, he just knew the presence of the wolf was there, and it held him in a phase of wilderness.
Usually during this stage of the month, he'd silently go through his classes and wait until the effects of longing to be free would fade away.
The wolf always wanted to get out early, and so he avoided any loud crowds or places he knew he wouldn't be able to control himself from his desires.
That was one thing nobody seemed to understand. The wolf wanted what was best for him, and so while during a full moon that meant trying to get food and in turn almost ripping himself apart unknowingly, during the phase before that the wolf wanted to unravel what Remus had hidden deep down below the surface.
Every desire, every want, every unconscious need.
Of course, the boys didn't know this. They thought that his solemnity during those few days was always because of the closeness to the actual day, and didn't question the effects of the journey towards the day too much.
So, when Remus realised he couldn't skip the party his friends had been planning for the past few weeks, he decided to not care.
It was rare for Remus to fully let go. Every time his friends dragged him to parties or quidditch matches or late night pranks, Remus was always just there. Never a participant. While this posed him as the 'good' one, the 'smart' one, even the most 'stable' one out of them all, that couldn't be more wrong. He rarely drank, raised his voice or got caught doing anything wrong, simply because he didn't want to. He made that decision.
And again, they didn't understand that.
But this night, this party, he wanted to. he wanted to explore the extent to which the wolf would find what he wanted, and although it scared him, it also intrigued him. What did the wolf know about him, that he himself didn't?
That night, he got ready. He removed the pile of scruffy jumpers weighing him down and replaced them with a simple black baggy tee that he had originally bought as an extra, lightweight layer to wear underneath them. He also switched the dark brown trousers for a pair of dark grey muggle jeans that he found himself wearing often back in London.
The guys noticed the change, of course, and with a, "Looking good, Moony!" from Sirius they all walked out, continuing to the party.
There, Remus headlined for the drinks. While the boys did plan the party, and help set everything up, they had retreated back to their dorm afterwards and had still somehow managed to arrive late. Immediately filling up his cup, he turned to look at the gatherings of people that had arrived before them.
He decided that night that everyone's expectations of him didn't matter. Who cared what James, or Sirius, or Peter thought? They didn't know him, and they didn't know what he wanted. They underestimated him. They held him to a lower standard, and perhaps he just wanted one night to show he wasn't the boring, standoff-ish, nerdy 'Moony' of theirs all the time.
He had chose the easiest option, the nicest option, to have as his identity back in first year. With the wolf alone, he had enough problems of his own. The smart and responsible mask fit to cover his inner turmoil perfectly, shielding him from embarrassment and a vulgar reputation.
He thought that if he was anyone else, if he did live up to James and Sirius, they wouldn't want him anymore. Because then he wouldn't be reliable, he couldn't solve all their problems and deal with all their losses.
After all, that's why they ignored him after he told them about his home, right?
They didn't want him to be someone.
They didn't want to deal with him.
He downed his drink completely, and a few more afterwards, before his thoughts could start to get to him. He felt the wolf slowly realise the power it held and increasingly take over him, as he walked towards the first girl he saw.
A pretty Ravenclaw, fifth or sixth year? Maybe seventh, he didn't know. He knew this wasn't like him, or the idea of him, but maybe it was. Maybe what he was had always been a façade, and what he felt in that moment was real.
So, he continued to spend the night making out with multiple strangers, drinking way more than he thought was humanly possible, (well, in his defence, he isn't technically a human, and therefore has a much higher metabolism) and then dancing with the first person he found before repeating the process.
He didn't care about his identity, what people thought he was. That night, he felt real.
While Remus was with the third girl he'd found that night, he felt eyes on him. Staying in the same position he was in, his mouth deeply embedded onto her neck, one hand in her hair and the other holding an entire bottle of fire whisky, he looked up.
He saw realisation. James and Sirius were standing together, both mildly drunk but no where near the state that Remus was in. He had absentmindedly pinpointed their locations throughout the party, and knew that they'd spent the night mostly greeting people, slowly sipping their drinks, and occasionally dancing on tables. Unlike them, but then again they'd never really hosted a party that big before.
They had mouths wide open, and Remus could hear them conversing between themselves through his heightened senses, but didn't care enough to make out the words.
Holding their gazes, he turned away from the girl for a second and brought his lips to the bottle of fire whisky, slowly pouring the burning liquid down his throat. He finally pulled his deepening stare away from them, closing his eyes in pleasure as he threw the bottle to the side, and continued what he had been doing as he brought his lips to hers.
When the party had finally dimmed down and the people had simmered away, Remus found himself stumbling up to the wrong dorm, and ended up sleeping at the bottom of the stairs to the girl's dorm. In other words, the stairs that turn into a slide to avoid the wrong gender going up them.
The next morning, his head had a subtle ache, but there was no real hangover, another advantage his wolf brought him.
He slowly stood up from his position, decided he wanted to avoid confrontation for as long as possible, and headed to wandering around the halls. He could see the sun about to start rising, and estimated the time around five in the morning.
While wandering the halls he casted a few spells, changing his outfit back to his thrifted jumpers, fixing his dishevelled appearance, and attempting to flatten his hair. He also took a quick trip to the library and checked out some books.
When he made his way back to the dorms after a few hours, he found all three of the guys standing around the centre of the room, looking worried.
As soon as he entered, the conversation stopped.
"Remus.." James sighed.
He looked back at them, feigning confusion whilst replying, "What's going on?"
Sirius looked at him furiously before speaking, "Moony, what happened yesterday? You were fine one second, you were acting normal, and then the next you're off doing Merlin knows what? I counted four different girls, Remus. And I couldn't even begin to count the amount of drinks you had. What got into you? You're supposed to be the responsible one out of us, and that.. display, was just insane," Sirius exploded, getting angrier with each word, "I've never even seen you with a girl before. Four? I don't know if you were imperioed or what. Or maybe they were. We were all worried the entire night, but none of us could even get near you. You can't just do things like that. You're Remus, our Moony, the one we can always trust. I don't think we've ever seen you like that before. Ever."
Sirius' ramblings abruptly came to a stop as he looked at Remus. Really, truly looked at him.
He was fine. He was back in his gigantic jumpers, with his perfectly tousled hair and carrying a stack of books from his trip to the library. He looked normal, he seemed normal, so what was that?
"Listen, guys.. I'm sorry, alright? I don't know what got into me. I think it was the wolf. It gets.. angry, around this time. I think it made me do those things." Remus expressed sorrowfully. Somehow, he felt bad for blaming the wolf. All he wanted to do was scream and confess, I did those things. That was all me. I wanted that. I am that.
He watched as the looks of concern on his friend's faces shifted to looks of indifference, deciding his lie was a decent enough answer to explain his behaviour, although they did seem to keep his entire debacle in mind for later.
Like he'd expected.
They had more important things to care about right now, surely.
Although, Remus did wonder why Sirius had gotten so heated.
"It's fine, Moony. We were just worried, and Sirius was right, we've never seen you like that before. But I'm glad you're back." James said, clapping a hand onto Remus' shoulder and turning back to his bedside table, searching for his spare tie.
"Yeah, me too. I'm glad you're back." Peter added, before joining the search.
Sirius lingered for a second, before sighing "Me too. I just hope you're okay, alright Moony? That really wasn't like you. It was kind of scary, like something had taken you over."
"Don't worry, it was all the wolf." It was all me. The wolf just helped.
Sirius smiled shyly, accepting his response and heading back to his wardrobe to get ready.
Now, the party, the exams, the last day of sixth year, everything was in the past, and Remus had once again returned to his house in London. His father wasn't there, probably off in France or Italy or somewhere other than with his son.
So, Remus guessed that he had the entire summer alone. He knew it, he could tell when his Father wasn't going to come back for a long time. There was no food in the fridge, all the staff had been dismissed, and most of his father's stuff had been packed up and shipped.
He had the entire. summer. alone.
And he was ready.