Work Text:
CENTAURS GROUP CHAT
[July 26th, 2:49 AM]
Young:
[Image Description - Young, LaPointe, and Holmberg posing together shirtless. All 3 have brand new large Centaurs tattoos on their ribs. They are clearly hammered in the picture]
TATTTTTEEEEDDDDDD
LaPointe:
yu are my brothrrs for liiiiifeeefe allll of u shud be heeereeee
Holmberg:
YESSSSSS WE MISS YOU
Get your asses to Mexicooooooo rn
‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
Young:
CENS CENS CENS CENS CENS
[July 26th, 8:35 AM]
Hayes:
Tequila 1 - Rookies 0
Dykstra:
Is that supposed to be our logo?
Hollander:
I think it’s the centaur jumping over the parliament building
It’s…abstract?
Choinard:
lmao you did yourselves so dirty 🤣
Bood:
Amazing work boys
This is the funniest shit I’ve ever seen
why does the cen look so much like Barrett?
Rozanov:
Yes thank you for team morale boost!
Truly terrible. Luca could have drawn something better in the womb
Luca:
The Cen City lettering is not that bad at least
Barrett:
It’s so bad someone will accuse us of hazing even though they did it to themselves
Bood:
For real. I have a guy that’s great at coverups when the time comes kids
[July 26th, 11:42 AM]
Holmberg:
Pointy reading the chat just now “Who did Young get matching tattoos with last night?”
Young:
And now he’s puking
Rozanov:
Please don’t die of alcohol poisoning in foreign country. Would be too much paperwork to get you back
Hollander:
Drink some water before rallying
And eat something with nutritional value too
Young:
Yes daddies 😇🫡
Barrett:
Ew
Choinard:
Never say that again 🤮
[July 28th, 4:07 PM]
LaPointe:
Am I fucked for getting back into Canada?
[Image Description - A soaked, curling passport sitting on a patio table]
Barrett:
lmao what did you do to it?
LaPointe:
there was a frozen marg situation
Rozanov:
Is it just the cover that’s fucked or the pages inside too?
LaPointe:
I think the inside is okay?
[Image Description - Pictures of every page of LaPointe’s passport]
Hollander:
I think you’ll be fine
I’m sending you the phone number of the consulate though
Call them and ask to be sure
Also you know you’re not supposed to send pics of your passport to people right?
That’s how you get your identity stolen
LaPointe:
Oh shit! Is that like hacking? 🤯
Holmberg:
I thought they only did that for famous people’s nudes?
Hollander:
Just delete the pictures
Hayes:
Do we have an over/under yet of how many rookies actually make it back from this trip?
LaPointe:
Just talked to the consulate
I am good to go
It wasn’t even the worst margarita incident she’s seen today
Fuck off @Hayes y’all can’t get rid of us that easily
[August 22nd, 4:29 PM]
Holmberg:
On a scale of 1 to 10, is a late period bad?
LaPointe:
Bro what? 🤣🤣🤣
Choinard:
Bergy that question makes zero sense
Holmberg:
Sorry I’m trying to figure out if I’m panicking
Rozanov:
Pregnancy scares happen Bergy, no need to panic until there is positive test
Hayes:
How late are we talking bud?
Holmberg:
She said a week
But it’s only been like two weeks since the sex
So she thinks it’s too early for a test?
Bood:
Are you sure about the date?
Holmberg:
Yeah
We were hooking up in a hot tub
And I wrapped it up of course, I’m a gentleman
But the condom broke
I think the heat made it weird?
But I also thought you couldn’t get someone pregnant in water?
It like washes everything away?
Hollander:
Oh Bergy
You can definitely get someone pregnant in water
And condoms aren’t that effective in it
Rozanov:
I did not know North America had such bad sex education
I will put together power point for first team meeting
Holmberg:
Fuck my life
I’m going to be such a stupid dad
Rozanov:
Not stupid, just clueless
Like bird that flies into window
But we will help you get smarter
Luca:
Sorry you are going through this Bergy
LaPointe:
It’s going to be okay man! It’ll all work out! 🙌
Young:
Yeah I’m sure fatherhood isn’t harder than winning a Stanley, and you’ve already done that 💪
Bood:
HAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Choinard:
@Bood I think it’s too soon for us to give him the hard truth lmao
Dykstra:
Are you at home Bergy? Cait and I can stop by and talk you through all this
Holmberg:
Yes that would be so amazing 🙏
Dykstra:
Sounds good, we’ll be there in twenty
Ilya Rozanov -> Mason Holmberg
[August 22nd, 7:13 PM]
Rozanov:
How are you doing Bergy?
Holmberg:
Okay I think?
Caitlin and Dykstra helped a lot
I’m just so scared
Like can you imagine me being a dad???
Rozanov:
Being scared is very normal
If she is pregnant, you have nine months to prepare
Is a long time to get ready
Are you in a relationship with her?
Holmberg:
Nah we just hooked up a few times
She was just visiting family here for the summer
But she goes to university in Toronto
Rozanov:
I see
Have you talked to her much about any of this?
Holmberg:
Not really. She just told me she’s late and is going to her doctor next week for a blood test
I think she’d be a good mom. She’s really smart
But I have no idea if she wants to be
Or if we’d be like good at parenting together
Rozanov:
There are many things to worry about, but see what the blood test says first, yes?
And if she is pregnant but does not want to be, that is okay
I know that is a sensitive subject
But the team will support you no matter what, there will be no judgment
And you do not need to tell us anything you are uncomfortable with
It is none of our business unless you want it to be
Holmberg:
Thanks Roz. I really needed to hear that
Rozanov:
Of course, is stressful time
Please call or text anytime if you need to
And try to do whatever you can to support her too
This is a lot for women to go through, can be very scary
Just ask if either of you need anything at all
Holmberg:
Thank you. Can I call now?
Rozanov:
Yes. Give me a few minutes to grab my charger
CENTAURS GROUP CHAT
[August 23rd, 9:58 PM]
Bood:
[TMZ Link - NBA Star Leandros Kazantzidis and NHL Champion Luca Haas Pictured Kissing Outside of Berlin BDSM Night Club]
LUCA MICHAEL NATHANIEL HAAS
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
Choinard:
Bro no fucking way
Generational pull
Rozanov:
Luca I am so proud!
You should check out Mutschmanns and Woof too
I will send full list of recommendations
LaPointe:
Get innnnnnn Haasy
Dykstra:
Congrats kid! Hope you had fun
Young:
LEO KAZ??
THE LEO KAZ????
Is it too soon to ask about court side seats?
Bood:
Yes
Dykstra:
Yes
Barrett:
One second they’re asking you what Feeld is
The next they’re wearing a harness outside of a sex club
They grow up so fast
Hayes:
Awww Luca! Yeah I don’t think we can call him the baby anymore lmao
Holmberg:
What is Feeld?
Barrett:
No
Hollander:
No
Hayes:
No
Bood:
Seriously though @Luca, are you alive? That man is like seven feet tall
Barrett:
He hasn’t answered Harris yet either. Probably still asleep, it’s like 4 am in Europe
Hollander:
Let him rest. He had a big night
Rozanov:
Yes very big. Look at size of those hands
Dykstra:
Jesus christ
[August 24th, 7:32 AM]
Luca:
@Bood I am alive. But my middle name is not Michael or Nathaniel?
Hayes:
Luca lives! So not the point though bud lol
Bood:
Glad to hear it! Should I be expecting Leo Kaz at our next barbecue?
Hayes:
👀
LaPointe:
Omg yes please let us meet him
Young:
We will be so chill!
Dykstra:
No one on this team has ever been chill
Rozanov:
Yes, remember how weird you all were meeting Hollander?
Choinard:
I’ll bring 2K!
Or is he more of a FIFA guy?
Holmberg:
@Luca come back! We won’t scare him away I promise
[August 24th, 9:27 AM]
Luca:
Think you could do even better next time? 🥵
[Image Description: Luca’s mouth, neck, and chest in frame. He is covered in bruises, hickeys, and bite marks]
Oh my god
Wrong chat obvs sorry
Why won’t it let me unsend???
No one scroll up
Please throw your phones in the ocean
Or burn your eyeballs off
Young:
Not Haasy sexting in the team group chat 🤣
Barrett:
He really is the next Roz
Bood:
Fucking hell kid! Can you even breathe?
Hayes:
That looks worse than when I broke three ribs
Luca:
I’m fine. I just bruise easily because of my pale complexion
Rozanov:
Luca, this man is not allowed to do better next time
Practice starts in two weeks and I need you to be able to put on shoulder pads
Safe bondage is getting added to the sex power point
Luca:
Ugh please stop looking at it I want to die
Rozanov:
It’s nothing to be embarrassed about!
When Montreal and Boston used to play, Shane could not take his shirt off in locker room for whole week after
Hollander:
ILYA
But it’s really no big deal Haasy. Ice pack should take care of it
Hayes:
Lisa swears by Arnica too
Some hot tea with honey probably wouldn’t hurt either
Choinard:
Selena loves bubble baths together the next day. It’s romantic as hell
LaPointe:
I think we all know too much about each other
Hollander, Luca, Barrett, Young, Dykstra, and Bood like this message.
Young:
Haasy please tell me you’re dating this man for real
Luca:
Oh. I don’t think so? I think we are probably friends
Holmsberg:
Haasy is out here friend zoning the best player in the NBA and Pointy can’t even get a text back
LaPointe:
🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
GAY + BI CENS
[August 24th, 10:03 AM]
Luca:
Hypothetically, how would I know if a guy wanted to be my boyfriend and not just fwb?
Barrett:
“Hypothetically” sure bud
Idk if I’m the person to give advice though
Adrian called me his boyfriend for the first time when asking for a Birkin bag as a gift
Hollander:
Jesus
Rozanov:
Each new Adrian story is sadder than the last
Luca:
I’m sorry Barrett
Rozanov:
Shane did not think we were boyfriends even after we said I love you and made a ten+ year plan to be together
Hollander:
I didn’t want to assume!
Rozanov:
@Luca has he texted you about anything other than sex since last night?
Luca:
Just checking to see how I was feeling
And making sure I ate lunch after I left
He also asked me to go with him to the flea market tomorrow
Harris:
Buddy….
I’m going to hold your hands while I say this
That is a date
Luca:
I’m not so sure
He knows I’ve been before because I told him how much I loved going with my sisters a few years ago
He probably just wants to go with a friend who is familiar with the area and can translate
Barrett:
No absolutely
If I wanted to just have wild sex with someone and definitely not catch feelings, I would take him to shop for vintage furniture and art before noon
Rozanov:
Luca, he listened to a story about your childhood. I didn’t even know the last name of most people I hooked up with
Hollander:
Yeah sorry Haasy, it sounds like a date
You can just ask him though
Easier than trying to read his mind
Luca:
It wouldn’t be cringe to ask?
Rozanov:
Of course not
And if it does not go well, blame it on language barrier
Always works!
Harris:
Open and honest communication is never cringe!!!
It is the foundation of a strong relationship
I have an audiobook recommendation about it if you’re interested 😊
Rozanov:
Troy, I am very worried for my friend Harris
Did elderly dinosaur Scott Hunter break out of nursing home and steal his phone thinking it was life alert?
Is this why he sends message sounding ancient?
Harris:
We both know Hunter would’ve frozen like a baby deer just reading Luca’s headline 😅
Ilya Rozanov -> Kip Grady
[August 24th, 10:15 AM]
Rozanov:
Hello my very good friend Kip!
Kip:
Hi Ilya
Rozanov:
Did Hunter see the news about Luca yet?
Kip:
What news? We’re in Hawaii and Scott is trying to unplug
Rozanov:
Is this safe? He will die without life support machines to keep him going, yes?
I wasn’t familiar with your game Grady
Kip:
Very funny
Spill the tea please so I can get back to having luxurious vacation sex
Rozanov:
Fine but promise me you will tell me his reaction
Kip:
Sure whatever
Rozanov:
[TMZ Link - NBA Star Leandros Kazantzidis and NHL Champion Luca Haas Pictured Kissing Outside of Berlin BDSM Night Club]
Make sure he sees pictures too
Kip:
Please thank Luca for his service
I’ve never laughed so hard
Scott is staring out a window like he’s having war flashbacks
I don’t think he’s ever going to be able to look that kid in the eye again
Rozanov:
😈😈😈
Kip:
Oh no he’s finally speaking
“Children shouldn’t be allowed in harnesses”
“He’s being so European in front of God and everyone”
“I’m gonna have to explain kink to Roger fucking Crowell at the next union meeting”
Rozanov:
The gay agenda is in serious danger if we are relying on Hunter to teach anyone about kink
Kip:
Don’t worry, I’ve been teaching him a few things 😇
Rozanov:
Make sure he uses safe word before he breaks a hip
Kip:
Goodbye Ilya
GAY + BI CENS
[August 24th, 10:41 AM]
Luca:
I tried the open communication idea. I learned that the flea market is going to be our fourth date
Harris:
omg Luca please never change 🥰
Hollander:
What were the first three?
Luca:
Cooking dinner together at his airbnb, seeing his friend’s DJ set, and an art museum tour
I clarified that last night did not count
Barrett:
Fucking hell
Rozanov:
You thought you were just hanging out as bros and then fucking?
Luca:
No! But to be friends with benefits, you need to be friends
And I thought he just wanted to see Berlin with someone that speaks German
I’m taking him out to dinner tonight since I felt so bad that I hadn’t planned any of the dates yet
Do I get him flowers? Or is that too cheesy?
Barrett:
I think it’s a good move
Rozanov:
Because it was your only move, buying Harris gifts so you could sit in his office all morning
Harris:
If it works it works 🤷♂️
I think flowers would be very sweet
Hollander:
Hope it goes well Luca!
Rozanov:
Yes I hope you get to have romantic boyfriend sex
CENTAURS GROUP CHAT
[September 2nd, 11:34 AM]
Holmberg:
Got the test result back! Your boy is not going to be a father!!!!!
🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
Did you guys know about UTI’s tho? Scary AF
Rozanov:
Congratulations Bergy
I’ll add that as power point topic too
Please wash your dick before putting it inside anyone
They are already doing great service, no need to make them suffer
LaPointe:
lmao thank god
I know we were trying to hype you up
But that was so scary bro
Holmberg:
💯 real tense there for a minute ngl
Young:
Yeah man you wouldn’t have even been able to go back to Mexico with us next summer
Choinard:
Pour one out for all the boy’s trips that have been ruined by fatherhood 😥
Barrett:
Now that you’ve been released back into the wild, make sure to stay away from hot tubs
Hayes:
Maybe all bodies of water to be safe
Holmberg:
🖕🖕🖕
But fr I’m celebrating tonight!
The Saloon at 9
I’ll buy a round for anyone that’s in town
[September 7th, 10:18 AM]
Bood:
Friendly reminder that the preseason barbecue starts at 7 tonight! Can’t wait to see you idiots again
Luca:
@Bood Is it okay if I bring Leo?
I want you all to meet my boyfriend while he’s in Ottawa
Young:
BOYFRIEND???
HAASY YOU LEGEND
WE ARE SO BACK
YOU CAN HAVE MY FIRST BORN
Luca:
Oh! That is a nice offer but no thank you
Bood:
@Luca of course kid
@Everyone Signifiant others, children, and dogs are welcome as always!
And please be on your best behavior so we don’t scare Luca’s boyfriend away
@Young looking at you specifically
Young dislikes this message
[September 20th, 8:24 PM]
Rozanov added Nguyen, Proulx, and Obolonsky to the chat
Rozanov:
Everyone please welcome the new children
LaPointe:
Hey! How do you guys feel about Cabo?