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Regulus has, what most people would consider, dark humour. But what could you expect from a child of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black?
He had to learn to appreciate the more morbid things, coping with too-early exposure through the only way he could—the way Sirius taught him—by joking about it.
So, when he learnt what suicide was in his second year and finally had a name to pin to his ever-present yearning to die, his first thought was to crack a joke… Dorcas had looked a little concerned, but Barty and Evan had laughed and tacked a few onto the end of his own, and a pattern started.
Even now, a year after leaving the House of Black, Regulus still finds the little jokes funny. Especially during exam seasons, like now…
"What do you think you got on that Transfiguration practical?" Pandora asks the group, rubbing her temples as they walk out of the classroom.
"I definitely failed," Dorcas laughs.
"I think I did great, and I'm sure you did too, Panda," Evan says, slinging his arm around his little (by three minutes) sister.
"If you failed, there's always sleeping with the professor for extra credit." Barty jokes, play-punching at Dorcas's arm as she rolls her eyes.
"Or there's always killing yourself," Regulus adds.
"Good point, Reguli," Barty teases. At the same time, Dorcas quips, "Don't start with me, Black."
Dorcas… does not like Regulus's jokes. He tries to keep that in mind, but it's really just a reflex now. She especially does not like when Evan, Barty, and he get going in a circle.
They're all studying with Sirius's group—James, Remus, Peter, Lily, and Marlene—all spread out across a small section of the library.
"I'm so tired," Barty complains, spreading himself out across the table.
"Go to bed", Peter suggests, pulling his book away from Barty's hands as the boy stretches his arms out.
"No," Barty refuses… "I'll sleep when I'm dead."
Evan mutters under his breath, "I just can't wait to die…"
Regulus glances up and sees Dorcas's jaw clench.
Barty presses his forehead into the table and laughs. "Honestly, I just can't wait to die."
Regulus is just about to stop them when…
"I wake up in the morning… I'm disappointed," Evan deadpans, and Sirius chuckles.
"I don't choke at lunch… I'm disappointed," Barty adds.
And, against his better judgement, Regulus tags on. "I got an O on my Ancient Runes exam… I'm disappointed."
The three laugh, but Sirius doesn't. In fact, he looks a little confused. "I don't get the last one."
Regulus giggles, "It's based on the idea that if I get below an O, I get to kill myself."
"Yeah, Sirius, keep up," Barty teases.
Sirius still looks a little confused and opens his mouth. But before he can speak, Madame Pince comes over and shoos them all out, citing a rapidly approaching curfew.
Regulus gets bolder with his jokes after that—what does Dorcas's annoyance mean when weighed against Sirius's approval?
Tiny jabs. So quick Dorcas doesn't have a second to reprimand him. But every time Sirius laughs—he's even started adding his own jokes to the patterns Regulus has established with Evan and Barty.
"Oh, I give up," Regulus groans. "It's whatever. I don't care anymore. If I get below an O, I'll just kill myself after dinner."
"After?" Evan asks, amusement lacking his tone as he looks up from his book.
"Yes, because Dinky told me he's making brownies with chocolate chips," Regulus explains, packing up his books.
"Understandable," Evan agrees, turning back to his book.
"Dinky's chocolate chip brownies are to die for." Barty laments, turning a page in his own book.
"Or live for it", Sirius jokes.
"For a few more hours at least," Regulus responds with a chuckle.
"Oh, at least," Evan agrees.
"You guys just get me," Regulus sighs. "Well, off to make sure my quills-sharpeners are reassembled for tomorrow."
Evan's and Barty's laughs drown out Sirius's quietly concerned 'What?' and Dorcas's annoyed huff.
Pandora, in all her grace, has been trying to keep Dorcas calm. But even she can only do so much.
Regulus is backing towards his Charms classroom with her, shouting back down the hall to Barty.
"Good luck!" Barty shouts.
"Hoping for my way or yours!"
"Dealer's choice!"
"Then let's hope I fail!" Regulus says.
"So you get to kill yourself!" Barty finishes.
"Finally, the prospect of peace!" Regulus laughs; he hears Barty laughing too when Dorcas pulls him to the side of the hall.
"Stop! Stop those stupid fucking jokes, Regulus! They aren't funny anymore!"
"Cas, it's okay, they're just jokes," Regulus says, pulling his arm out of her grasp.
Dorcas growls and stomps her foot but drops his arm. "If you don't stop, I'm telling Sirius you mean them."
"What?" Regulus asks, taking half a step back in shock.
"You heard me."
"You wouldn't dare," Regulus says, stepping back towards her. "And you'd be lying now anyway."
"Do you think that'll make a difference to him?" Dorcas challenges.
Regulus sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose in defeat. "You promised me you wouldn't."
"And?…" Dorcas deflates. "You're making too many again, Regulus. Just like you did right bef—"
"I get it. I'll make less. I promise, just… don't tell Sirius, you know how he'll get."
"You'll make fewer jokes?"
"Yes."
"Swear it," Dorcas demands, holding out her pinky.
"I swear it," Regulus says, linking their pinkies together and then kissing his thumb—their sign that they're truly locking the promise in.
Regulus does make less. It's another three days before his next joke, and it's only when they've been studying for hours—most everyone has already given up; only he, Sirius, Remus, and Dorcas are left.
Regulus is exhausted; he pushes back from the table, rubbing his eyes. "I've done as much as I can."
"You've done a lot; I'm sure you'll do great, Regulus," Remus says, glancing up from his book.
Regulus hums. "And I've got to leave energy to put the quill sharpeners back together for tomorrow… it's so tedious when I know I'll just have to take them back apart if I get below an O."
Sirius's laugh is cut short by Dorcas slamming her book shut. "If I hear one more, Black, we're restarting wrist checks and putting you back on suicide watch, I swear to Merlin."
Regulus's eyes snap to hers in shock; Dorcas stares back in challenge.
A pregnant silence fills the space before Sirius breaks it.
"What does she mean, Reggie?" His tone is soft and cautious, and so quiet Regulus can barely hear it over the betrayal ringing in his ears.
Regulus turns to Sirius and has to close his eyes—unable to stomach the pleading in them; he knows. Regulus's throat sticks when he tries to swallow.
"You promised you wouldn't tell him," Regulus whispers, turning his starlight eyes brimming with hurt towards Dorcas. "You promised me…"
Dorcas sighs, her tone pleading as she defends, "I know… I was just tired and upset, and you know I hate those jokes."
A tense moment passes, where Regulus can feel even the faint hum of magic that permeates the castle.
"Why don't we all just calm down?… Take a breath," Remus suggests.
"No. I want to know what she meant, Regulus… Because she couldn't have meant what I think, right? You wouldn't actually do something like that… right?" Sirius's tone swings through anger, pleading, and hurt before landing on something far too quiet to place but that Regulus would swear was guilt.
"Sirius", Regulus starts… tries to at least, but he doesn't know where to begin because he doesn't know where the thoughts began himself and he can't start with the attempt.
He cannot look in his brother's eyes and explain that he knew that Sirius planned to leave without him and that he couldn't survive that house without him. He cannot explain to Sirius that the only reason he started talking to him again was because he failed that attempt and his friends stayed glued to his side so he couldn't try again. He can't even confess to the attempt because Sirius will blame himself whether he knows everything or not—Regulus was sure of that since before he even tried.
And if he's honest with himself, he knew, even then, that killing himself would destroy Sirius. But that's the funny thing about depression—it targets everything you're weakest against and then clouds your brain until you can't see past the thick fog of what it's telling you, even if it's a lie, even when you know it's not true.
"Reggie?"
"I'm sorry." Dorcas and Regulus say it at the same time. Each to a different person and for entirely different reasons.
The floor is sticky with guilt, and their words only make it worse.
"She's not lying, is she? Your jokes… you mean them?" Sirius asks, voice edged with accusation.
"I used to," Regulus clarifies, confesses, while hoping for a Hail Mary and forgiveness.
"Why?" Sirius asks in honey-coloured hues of hurt, burnt brown and prone-to-shattering.
Regulus pauses, praying for an answer that doesn't feel like a sledgehammer slamming through pretty candied pans. It doesn't come. "I'm sorry."
"Answer the question, Regulus." Sirius snips, right back to anger in an instant—it's always been safer, hasn't it?
"I don't know."
"You don't know, or you won't tell me?" Sirius asks, pulling away when Remus tries to reach for him.
He walks around the table to crouch in front of Regulus's chair. He takes Regulus's hands in his own and sighs, rubbing his fingers over his knuckles. His eyebrows pinch together momentarily before he sighs, dropping his head to their joined hands. "You don't have to tell me… just promise me you don't—you won't ever try that again."
Telling Sirius to fuck off, and snapping at Dorcas for starting this whole thing crosses Regulus's mind. Being able to kill himself has always been the safest and easiest plan B. He doesn't have to deal with anything if he's dead… Bad grades? Angry parents? Embarrassed himself? Any problem, large or small, killing himself has always been an option; there, in the back of his mind, nothing mattered because he could always die.
And now Sirius is asking him to give that up? To promise he won't?… That he won't even consider it? Except Sirius isn't asking—he's begging. He's on his knees and begging Regulus to stay.
"Please, Little Star…" Sirius mumbles, looking up at him sadly.
And Regulus finally gets it—he is Sirius's little star, and binary stars can't survive without their brother.
"I promise," Regulus says, because the last thing he'd ever want to do is hurt Sirius. He takes one of his hands out of Sirius's grasp to hold out his pinkie.
Sirius hesitantly wraps their fingers together; they both press a kiss to their thumbs at the same time, and Sirius smiles.
"I love you, little star."
"I love you too," Regulus responds as he's pulled into a bone-crushing hug.