Chapter Text
He wonders when he got so used to it... playing his own sick game while everyone else was still sleeping peacefully, Noob in the room right next to his, unsuspecting of what 007n7 was doing to himself.
It was dirty
It was disgusting
It was revolting
And he wanted more
*Click*
Another empty chamber... how lucky was he... now he knew the last one had a bullet in it, and he couldn't dare to pull the trigger once again.
With a heavy sigh (just how long was he holding his breath...) his body goes limp and his head falls back onto his pillow, arms to the side, legs bent, and hes left with the uncomfortable feeling in his groin... he wanted to cum so badly but it wasn't fun when you knew the next shot would kill you.
But even then... gun still in hand, even as he feels like a ragdoll on his bed, he wants to try to take the next shot, if only to satisfy his needs. So he wills his hand to tighten around the gun, wills his arm to lift it up to put the barrel next to his temple, and even as his hand shakes, finger tightening on the trigger...
Dear Telamon he was so close
Just one more and he would be satisfied
Just one more time and he could sleep peacefully
His other arm wraps around his abdomen, the heat building up too quickly once again, his legs shake a bit too violently with anticipation, his tongue lolling out as he arches in on himself-
He doesn't pull the trigger
He cant
If he does...
Everyone would wake from the sound of a gunshot (He would have orgasmed so hard before blacking out)
Noob would be the first to see him in such a whorish state (007n7 doesn't want Noob to see him like that, no matter how much how would get off from the humiliation)
The others would follow just as he regains consciousness (What would they think of him then, what would Noob had told them, how they would treat him afterwards)
It would isolate him even more from the rest, outcast him even further from what he wanted (Some part of him wanted them to treat him like a whore, to use when they needed release, to throw away when they didn't need him, to humiliate him further so he could feel that wonderful mix of pleasure that followed the pain, like a rainbow after a storm)
He wanted to be included with the rest of the survivors, wanted to build genuine connections with them, maybe even build a relationship if he could (He wanted to be loved and lusted after, to have them know he was a degenerate slut and yet still find respect for him)
But that was a impossible dream (And it would only ever stay a impossible dream)
He feels himself getting sick, he sits up and hunches in on himself as he tasted his vomit in the back of his throat, his stomach churning with guilt and disgust at his own wants and thought, he doesn't even try to go to the bathroom, he feels he doesn't deserve to, even as he throws up on the thin sheet he calls his blanket.
He wipes his mouth with his sleeve right after, feeling sorry his clothes have to be on him while he does something so disgusting to himself. (Both the vomiting and masturbating were equally disgusting to him)
He wraps up the puke in the blanket and sneaks out of his shared cabin quietly, he's thankful there are no squeaky boards on the stairs, and he already knows which ones to avoid on the floor, it had taken him two months of memorizing but it was worth it for the smaller chances of not waking anyone up, he throws the wrapped vomit into the forest, knowing in the morning it would disappear and a new thin clean blanket would be on his bed by the time he woke up.
Outside like this... still kinda hard...still with that uncomfortable feeling of not being able to cum... if he masturbated out here he could be able to do it but would risk getting caught, and so before he could convince himself otherwise, he head back into his cabin, into his room, into his bed.
He fixes his clothes
He lays straight
He stares up at the ceiling in the dark
And he thinks about his impossible dream
And reminded himself why it was impossible
Because... (Because...)
He's done too many bad things (Hes had too many impure thoughts)
He's hurt people in the name of "fun" (He hurts himself in the name of pleasure)
He's destroyed so much and will never be able to repay for it all (Hes destroyed his very being, having enough dignity to want to be respected, while also wanting to be satisfied)
He was a slave to his intrusive thoughts then (Hes still a slave to them now, only in a different form)
He's a mess (He's useless to his team)
Hes a coward (Running away from both his desires and needs, he doesn't know how to tell which is which anymore)
He's afraid (Afraid he'll fall back into his old habits if he tries anything more with his C00lgui other then teleporting and cloning, afraid he'll lose all his dignity and become even more worthless then he is now)
He's a bad person (Hes a desperate whore)
And people like him... (And such a degenerate...)
Who have fallen to the lowest of the low (Who can get off to such horrible things that could permenatally hurt him)
Who even if they try to be better... (Who tries to snuff out those desires...)
Doesn't deserve to be forgiven (Doesn't deserve to be respected)
"I don't deserve to be loved..."
He doesn't register he whispered that last part out loud, doesn't acknowledge his words or thoughts as true or untrue as he finally falls asleep, gladly letting the chill of the night cool down his aching uncomfortable body... another unsuccessful masturbation session he concludes...
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He feels empty when he wakes up
It’s nothing new really, he’s known the feeling even before being Forsakened.
He’d rather feel empty then feel sick
So today was starting to look like a good day so far already
Staring up at the ceiling he was wonders what would happen if anyone found him in this state…
Awake but unable to move
His heart beat slowing down to a very unhealthy level as he just…
He’s alive but feels like a corpse
He already looked like one
Paler, skinnier, with faded bruises and scratch marks all under his clothes…
Hell even Two Time was healthier then him, and he was a twig of a man.
At least Two Time can actually eat without feeling guilty for wasting food, at least Two Time was respected by the others, at least Two Time could be useful to the team-
007n7 almost pukes again
He shouldn’t be thinking that of Two Time, shouldn’t be thinking badly about someone who was better then him in every way, someone who wasn’t as horrible as him, someone who was extremely useful too the team…
He doesn’t puke because then he would actually be fully empty of his stomach contents and he doesn’t want to go to the kitchen just yet.
So instead he feeds his body another way
Feeding his desires was so similar to feeding his body by now that it was more comfortable to him than actually eating food.
And so he goes to the source of this “nutrition”
He moves his bed off the wall before sitting in front of a loose floorboard, opening it slowly reveals an old journal underneath. And just by the cover alone you would think it’s was some kind of horrific artifact from a horror movie that holds the demon or monster that the protagonists are suppose to survive.
But looks were deceiving
Because instead of texts about horrors beyond beliefs that the human mind would never comprehend properly, there were pictures and small stories…
Small stories of him being used by the others, killers and survivors alike
Drawings of him in positions that he wasn’t yet flexible for yet
In short it was a self made smut book, something he made to get his thoughts out and actually look at them.
All these stories and drawings were different, every one had a different kink, a different person, a different senario
But there was something that tied them all together...
In every story, every drawing, every bit of porn in this book he was the one being fucked
All the stories hes written had him being manhandled by killers, even some survivors, where he was degraded and humiliated and extremely kinky, some were of him having nice slow passionate sex where he felt loved and happy and had amazing aftercare. All these different things he has fantasies about and would never talk about or even suggest doing in real life.
His drawings were mostly of figures in different positions, never truly having many details... well, except the figure getting fucked, which he made to look like him, every, single, time.
And the worst thing was... his writing and sketches were actually... decent... decent enough to know his details, decent enough to be explicit pornography...
Sue him, during college it turned out to even have his coding to work the way he wanted, things such as his clones and whatnot, he had to be decent at art and writing first, and him taking it way too seriously back then had gone into a minor in writing and watched art tutorials while doing his work... it had been... surprisingly useful.
Of course there were lines, there were always lines he wouldn't dare cross, he was a degenerate but he still had some form of dignity no matter how small it was
He never made anyone else the bottom in these fantasies, it would be too much control for him, even if it wasn't real. He hadn't written anything about Veeronica because well- she was Veeronica, his desires wouldn't work with her no matter how much he thought about it, and then felt guilty for even trying to think about. And Jane was still new here, so he hasn't written or drawn anything with her yet, and once again, his desires just... didn't come... it just didn't come to him like he thought it would since he had made others on her husband... and then felt extremely guilty for that fact and felt like a homewrecker already.
When he realized this he had tried to make something with the two but... nothing came to his mind when it was them... before he thought he was a disaster bi (The author does a quick nervous look around before continuing to write) but... maybe he was just into men?
That revelation was a month ago and he's accepted it fully now, as he flips through the pages of his thoughts and fantasies he keeps in mind what exactly this was...
This was his Pandora's Box, his Roman Empire, the thing he would rather die for then show, the thing gut himself for then destroy.
He was hopeless, utterly truly hopeless
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He makes his way to the main cabin soon enough, after a very thorough cleaning and reorganizing of his room and body
He needed actual food now, if only to subdue the hunger that cannot be sedated by desire
He's quiet when he walks in, the others are at the tables, talking, eating, strategizing, and just... hanging out...
007n7 wanted to be apart of that (007n7 doesn't deserve to be apart of that)
He's quiet as he grabs a small plate of food (Hes gotten so detached he was basically a ghost)
He starts walking upstairs quietly to eat alone (He fears his thoughts on the others if he eats with them his body would make him vomit out of guilt again)
He hopes no one will bother hi-
"YO~ SEV"
007n7 promptly tenses and freezes midstep on the stairs, as he looks down to the couch where the noise came from, it had been Chance, who was lazily laying on the couch. Flipping a coin half-mindedly as he waved 007n7 over…
007n7 didn’t know why Chance bothered with him, didn’t understand how the man could stand him in any capacity… but he won’t do anything that could get Chance upset at him, so he came back down the stairs and just before he can ask what Chance wanted.
Chance moves to sit up and 007n7 takes it as Chance wanting him to also sit on the couch, and he does, just as he got close enough to Chance, just as he was about to ask Chance what he needed…
Chance being the boundary breaking gambler he is, throws an arm around 007n7, talking about how he should stop trying to run off and eat alone when they had extra room for him there
And 007n7 would be grateful for the kind words before turning him down and saying he was fine
If it wasn’t taking all his willpower to not think of being pinned under the man that was.
007n7 internally screamed trying to keep the thoughts away with all the willpower his body could muster, and it was barely doing anything to help him
Dammit was he really that desperate in his thirties… (A desperate hypersexual virgin who only ever went halfway with Noli when they were still friends in college)
Hes still in deep thought as Builderman calls for everyone for a team meeting, Chance has to drag him into the room and boy does that make things worse, even during the meeting he’s only registering every other word as he loses himself in his mind again
He really shouldn’t be like this… (So desperate to be loved)
He really shouldn’t (So desperate to be needed)
He should be doing more (But what else could he do, such a useless person he is)
(The only use he ever really had was when he raised his son, but he couldn’t even do that right)
Ah… C00lkidd… his precious son… how he wanted to hug him, to take care of him, to promise to be with him through everything…
... ..- -.-. ....
.-
.... --- .-. .-. .. -... .-.. .
..-. .- - .... . .-.
-. ---
.-- --- -. -.. . .-.
.... .
... .... --- -
.... .. -- ... . .-.. ..-.
But no
.... .
-.. . ... . .-. ...- . ...
- ---
-... .
- .-. . .- - . -..
.-.. .. -.- .
- .... .. ...
Instead he was a burden to his team, a burden to everyone, someone who could only dream of being loved in his fantasies.
Even before being Forsakened...
007n7 tries to remember when all the desires and thoughts started... (They were always apart of him, he just found it a little to early to be considered normal)
Was it during college... (That's when he explored those desires the most)
Maybe during high school... (Where his hormones were a raging wildfire and he had enough will power and dignity to keep it hidden)
He doesn't know... (He doesn't want to know)
All he thinks he knows is that he's been doing it for almost all his life... (To have been pathetic for his entire life... that sounds about right for him)
He's sure if he let it all out and peels back all the layers of his desires and wants, then all he would get was inability to ever be loved properly... (There was only one time in his life he felt properly loved...)
But he remembers his time with Coolkidd so vividly, or how his body had reacted, at the time when he adopted him as his own... the desires were actually... pushed away somewhat... he could act normally without feeling like he was hiding something, be touched by other people and only ever feel nervous about it, use his will power for stuff other than putting up a facade.
(He knows it was only because of Coolkidd it happened, that his body went into a sort of maternal state and so pushed away all his desires, just so he could properly take care of his child)
Even when Coolkid went missing, the desires were pushed away... and he was grateful for that, grateful that the pain and greif were only ever that... even if he had shot himself right after it became too much...
At least he actually felt human by then...
But now he was here, and he knew his son was safe without having to take care of him since, well, his son was one of the killers the survivors had to deal with in this hell, and 007n7 has noticed... even in his monstrous form, he seems to be well taken care of outside the round...
And because of that, the desire came crawling back... it hadn't been slow but... it wasn't noticeable to 007n7 for a while either... it was like if the cold air wrapped around him and only him fully so only he could feel its chill...
Because even if it had been pushed away, his lust and desire never truly left him... they just subsided for 007n7 to take care of Coolkidd... he would never truly be free of them, and that was proven now by the journal he kept hidden in his cabin and his night "activities"
Dear Telamon... fuck- was he even getting aroused now just thinking about it, no,no,no,no, NO- fuck- he had to calm-
"Ya'know we could try to flirt with the killers"
Everyone looked and Chance in that moment, some in confusion, some in shock, as silence passed over them.
With the exception of 007n7, who was indeed shocked but... it was more of... anticipation?
As the others talk around him, his thoughts where in a flurry, goddammit he's had dreams about this, had writings, fucking pictures that he thought would never come true, thought he would never act up on but...
(It couldn't hurt to try, could it?)
So he offered himself to do it, under the guise of just trying it out and with the reason that he could get away quickly if things went wrong... and thankfully everyone agreed to let him take a shot...
Once the meeting is dismissed he goes straight back to his cabin and thinks about what he's done... what he's going to do, and with a mix of dread and anticipation he realized...
Oh dear god he was so fucked
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Omake -
Elliot didn't hate 007n7
Well... it was complicated...
Sure 007n7 made his life difficult for quite a long time, and has burned down his family's pizza place more times then he would've ever wanted to think about, but he never was the type to hold a grudge.
Even if it was also because he made fake personal fantasies of the man under him that helped shimmer his anger down.
And especially when the man had showed his face again after a while and apologized to Elliot for all he did in his college youth.
Elliot was suspicious at first, so he didn't really accept the apology... never genuinely enough to make 007n7 stop apologizing to him, even when they worked together, and then C00lkidd burned down the pizza place again and Elliot had the two blacklisted.
He regretted it only a week later when all the anger subsided and finally accepted that at that time, it really was just a stupid accident the kid made.
But Elliot had never been in the position of the "wrong" one before, so he never got around to try to reach out to them and eventually it was a small guilt that haunted him in the back of his mind.
When he got here all he could remember was the anger and pain 007n7 caused him and he lashed out at the man the moment he saw him. At the time the others agreed it was understandable...
Elliot wished they hadn't...
When he started remembering more and more it was only the bad, the bitter, the pain, the fantasies (He kept that last one private) and as the groups healer, the rest felt more justified to stay on his side then 007n7...
It was already too late when he remembered everything... by then 007n7 being the outcast of them all was normal... and... Elliot couldn't bring himself to try to reach out to the man once again...
He wasn't like Guest, who tried to reach out to the man so they could all try to survive this hell together
He wasn't like Chance who was willing to risk hanging out with the man because he could see he wasn't like what he was back then
He wasn't like Noob, Taph, Twotime or Veeronica who could find it in themselves to try to get to know the man and learn to do more then tolerate and barely acknowledge him
Hell- even Jane Doe was doing much more for 007n7 in the short time shes been here by just being able to speak to him normally, it was more then Elliot could find himself to do in life up to this moment.
Elliot accepted he was a coward, a coward that couldn't apologize to a man that he's excluded and fantasied for too long now, and he accepted that he should live with that guilt.
But then Chance suggested a new stupid way to try to distract the killers, to flirt with them, and honestly at this point they had really nothing to lose, the thing was none of them wanted to try to flirt with the killers... well, except 007n7 who had offered.
And it made sense, most times 007n7 was just doing generators when put in a round, his abilities were useful for him to make a quick get away if needed and he really did seem like a full-fledge survivalist class, unlike noob who could be subsided as a support and Veeronica who could make a great support or sentinal depending on what mode she was on.
So then why did Elliot have a bad feeling, had jealousy pooling deep in the pits his stomach as everyone else agreed for 007n7 to be the bait.