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Rocky and I had discussed the basics of human and Eridian reproduction during the mission. Mostly in broad biological terms; from what I understood Eridians are all hermaphroditic - each possessing both ovum producing organs and organs that produce their version of sperm. All this to say, they don’t really seem to have genders, at least not in the way humans do. The brief crash course I gave him on human genders seemed to confuse him, and he didn’t really care enough for either of us to bother getting into the weeds with it, so I let it go. We both had more important stuff to think about at the time.
These days we have a little more downtime. There’s still a lot to think about, and a lot to do: I’ve been combing through my Library of Infinite Piracy in search of anything I can find related to human nutrition and vitamin synthesis in an effort to get a head start on avoiding scurvy; Rocky has been working on hooking up the Hail Mary’s controls to a new unit on his side of the xenonite so he can access them in an emergency; and we’re working together on teaching Rocky to read and creating an interface so he can use the laptop while I’m sleeping. And that’s just what we’re currently working on. The list of things we need to at least start figuring out is longer than my arm (its original home before I relocated it to the whiteboard).
Rocky finds written English annoying and inconsistent, which I can’t really argue with, but luckily his amazing Eridian memory is making it pretty easy to teach him to read. It’s a mixed blessing though; he also remembers every conversation we’ve already had perfectly, including questions I’ve dodged and topics I have avoided. I’m not looking forward to all the questions he’s going to start asking once he gets free reign over the library. Well, I am, but I know he’s going to ask me a whole lot of awkward things, likely on purpose to torture me.
Devious rock that he is, he waits until I’m settled in bed, halfway through my usual wind-down game of solitaire.
“Only some human have ♬♪♫♪♩, question?” Rocky chirps.
“Have what?”
“Organ. Eridians have also. Eridians use give eggs and sperm, humans only sperm, only some humans have.” Rocky puts down the control unit components he’s been working on, uh oh, I’ve got his full attention now.
“Oh… uh, penis would be the word. Although the earth word for what Eridians have would probably be different. Ovipositor isn’t quite right… hmm.”
“Grace listen. Grace cannot distract Rocky. Tell Rocky more about human biology.”
“Alright, alright!” I laugh, “What do you wanna know?”
“Grace say humans who give sperm are male. Humans who give eggs are female.”
“Usually, yeah. Sometimes it’s not that simple. Human genders don’t always map perfectly onto-”
“Why Grace not have?” Ah. Sometimes I forget that to Rocky I might as well be naked all the time. As far as I understand, my clothes ‘muffle’ his perception of my body a little bit, but he can still perceive more about me than most humans could if I was actually naked, just by standing close by.
I’m… fairly comfortable talking about this kind of stuff. It tends to fall to the science teacher to do sex-ed. I’ve been asked more than my fair share of uncomfortable and ill-informed questions about pretty much everything to do with penises, vaginas, boobs and butts. And acne, and sweat, and mood swings and hair, some of those kids had a lot of questions about body hair. What I’m not used to is answering questions about myself.
I kept it quiet at school since I could’ve easily gotten fired if the parents found out that I’m transgender - though I tried to do right by the trans pupils I had over the years. That was a connection I really treasured. On the Vat it never really came up, which in retrospect was likely Stratt’s doing - nobody really bothered with official identity documents under her watch. Waste of valuable astrophage research time.
“Oh. Well, uhh...” I look away. I’m glad Rocky can’t see how red my face surely is, although it doesn’t really make a difference since he can definitely perceive my raised heartrate and uncomfortable fidgeting.
“Grace was injured, question? Can happen to Eridians also. Uncommon. Attacked or injured during mating, ♬♪♫♪♩ is damaged, severed or fall off. Sad sad sad.”
I can’t help it, I laugh.
“Why Grace laugh, question?!” Rocky’s stance shifts, wider and lower, his carapace wiggling angrily, “Is very serious! Sensitive culture for Eridians!”
“Sorry! Sorry!” It takes a little while for my giggles to settle. “Sorry, I know it’s serious. That can happen to humans too, and it is very bad.” Rocky seems to forgive me at that, resettling with his body upright.
“Why Grace laugh, question? Grace has injury. Grace is not sad from injury, question?”
“No, Rocky, I don’t have an injury. Or not that specific injury.” I amend, since I do in fact have several injuries of varying severity. “That’s what made me laugh. And it's kind of… a complicated cultural thing for humans. I don’t know if I can explain it well, but humans make a lot of jokes about penises, mostly because it's rude, but less taboo than other things.”
“If Grace not have injury, why missing part, question? Rocky missing some parts from injury too. Is okay.”
“You are? I didn’t realise.” And then it dawns on me - Rocky wasn’t trying to pry about my biology or messing with me. He wanted me to know he wouldn’t judge me for having an ‘injury’, or a disability.
“Rocky missing claws on some legs.” He wiggles two of his ‘back’ legs, or the ones that aren’t close to his ‘face’. “Leg is split.” He wiggles that one too. It looks the same as it ever did, of course, but it’s strange to think that it’s the result of an injury and not just the way he is.
I feel kind of bad - if I’d listened better or paid more attention, been less preoccupied with myself, Rocky wouldn’t have had to trot this all out for me. He doesn’t seem ashamed exactly, but this is clearly hard for him to talk about - ‘sensitive culture’.
I push my hand through my hair. It’s permanently a little greasy since there are no showers in space, but I’m hoping that eventually it’ll settle.
“I’m really sorry for laughing. Some humans are not kind to humans with injuries that last a long time, or forever, and I’m guessing it’s the same for Eridians, huh?”
“Yes. Is dumb. Rocky disagree.” He stomps against the floor once for emphasis, “Injury or no injury, still good engineer, good Eridian.”
“I’m with you buddy, you’re the best Eridian I’ve ever met.” I grin.
“Is joke!” He crows, then, “Grace steal Rocky joke! Rocky only Eridian Grace has met.”
“Hey, you’re easily the best engineer I’ve ever met too! And I met a lot of very good engineers before I left Earth.” He gives a pleased whistle, “Some of the best scientists in Earth history had injuries - or, well we call it a disability when it's life-long, and it can be caused by sickness or genetic things, too.”
“Amaze. Scientists similarity between culture.” That always perks him up, “Eridian word for long injury is ♬♩♩♪, forever injury is ♩♫♬♩♩♪. Sick when not injured rare for Eridians. Can get sick from not enough metals in food, from lonely or sad. Human-like bacteria sickness rare. Rocky does not know about genetic sickness.” I suppose being an engineer, and given that sickness or injury of any kind is rare, he has no reason to know about that. He’s told me before that Eridians are a closed system, and they heatblast their food after eating, which probably obliterates most bacteria and viruses… if Erid even has viruses? I’ll have to ask him some other time.
“It’s fairly common for humans to lose body parts too. Usually a finger, or an arm or leg. I’ve had students like that. Sometimes a human is just born without a leg or arm, and they live their whole life that way.”
“Similarity.” Rocky repeats quietly. Then, “Grace.”
“Yeah, buddy?”
“Grace avoid Rocky question.”
“Sorry buddy, I’m not really used to talking about it.”
He hums contemplatively, “Human clothes hide body from other humans. Other humans not see Grace like Rocky hear Grace.” I know he doesn’t mean it that way, but my heart squeezes in my chest anyway; he does see me in a way that no one from Earth ever did. I put my hand against the xenonite barrier between us, and Rocky mimics the gesture. “Grace does not want answer Rocky, question?”
“No, I do,” I only realise that as I’m saying it. Rocky does have some pre-conceived notions about gender, mostly that it's boring and pointless, but he doesn’t really have any reason to think it’s odd or wrong for a human to change gender. “I just… I guess I don’t want to bore you with gender stuff. And other humans sometimes… they don’t like people like me.”
“What is Grace like, question? Why other humans don’t like, question?”
I huff out a big breath. Here goes.
“When humans are born, other humans decide what gender they are based on their genitals - that’s usually a penis or a vagina - and then the young human lives their whole life being that gender. But some humans change their gender after they’re born. And some other humans think that’s bad.”
Rocky takes a while to digest that. He’s clearly realizing that he’s in the middle of a minefield that he’s previously been stomping right past with abandon. I feel a little bad for making this so difficult.
“Understand. Grace is change gender. Grace was female human when born, now is male human.”
“That’s right. More or less.”
“Why humans think change gender is bad?”
“I don’t really know, bud. Not all humans think it’s bad. I guess some humans get scared when things change, or when they don’t understand why other people do things.”
“Similarity.” Rocky rumbles grumpily, ”Is dumb.”
“Ha. Yeah.”
“Why Grace change gender, question?”
That takes me off guard. I suppose I should’ve expected it - most humans who’ve known that I’m transgender have asked me some variation of this question at least once. It’s more that the way Rocky is asking, his carapace perked up with interest, his voice warm and gently curious - it feels so different. He’s not asking me to justify a choice he doesn’t understand, he just wants to know me.
“I guess… Living as female just didn’t feel right. It made me really unhappy. Sometimes male humans don’t treat female humans very nicely, which was part of it, but even when people were being nice to me, it still felt horrible when they’d speak to me as if I was female. I didn’t like the parts of me that looked female. I thought that there was something wrong with me for a long time. I felt so sad that I wasn’t - I wasn’t sure I could keep on living.” I wipe my eyes. Rocky warbles softly in distress.
“It’s okay! It’s okay, I promise.” I sniffle, “I’m not sad about it anymore. Because I realised that living as a man made me feel better. It took a lot of work and medicine, but I was eventually able to change my body and all the boring human stuff like paperwork so that other humans would treat me like a man all the time. I get to be a man for the rest of my life! And that makes me really happy.”
Rocky thunks his carapace against the barrier, and I lean up against it too, imagining that I can feel a little of his warmth through the thick xenonite glass. My explanation was simplified, sure, and left out a lot of the context and nuance, but it’s also the heart of the truth. It feels really good to have said it.
Rocky lets out a series of soft notes that I don’t recognise. It’s a complex, resonant melody that I can feel in my chest. It’s hauntingly beautiful. The hair on my arms stands up, and my eyes threaten to well up again.
“What was that?”
“Is hard to translate. Is like celebration. Love, joy, pride, song. Sing for Eridians who recover from long sickness, survive terrible things, return home from long journey. Miss them, love them, happy they are alive.” His voice is wobbly with emotion.
I’m crying again. The other Eridians will sing this for Rocky when we get to them. It clearly means a great deal to him, and it’s easily the kindest thing anyone’s ever said or done for me after coming out.
“It’s beautiful. Thank you.” I sniffle loudly. “Love you, Rock.”
“Rocky love Grace!” He chirps back, standing up tall, the same way he does when he talks about Adrian, like he’s proud to be close with me. I hug Rocky against the xenonite barrier as best I can, wishing he could put his arms around me too, or at least that I could hug him in the space ball.
We sit like that for a while, Rocky humming low, soothing tones; he admitted a while ago that they’re Eridian lullabies for babies, but didn’t seem to understand why that embarrassed me, and I like it too much to ask him to stop. Eventually he goes back to fiddling with the control unit, and I climb back onto the bed.
“Grace, question?”
“What’s up?” I mumble. My eyes have fallen shut at some point and I don’t want to open them again.
“Humans have word for human who change gender, question?”
“Oh, yeah. It’s transgender. Or just trans for short.”
Rocky makes a quiet noise of understanding. “Good word. Eridian word will be ♩♪♫♫♪♫♪♬♩♬. Means change for be happy.”
“Yeah,” I breathe out, smiling, “that is a good word.”