Work Text:
cool and not evil (or chicken) tenders:
St-Simon (Boston): I thought that I should make this chat
St-Simon (Boston): I’ve been collecting people since Roz came out to the team and figured it would come in handy
Divers (Chicago): Collecting??
Riley (Detroit): Don’t act like you’re any more normal
Divers (Chicago): I need you to be so serious rn
St-Simons (Boston): Guys
St-Simon (Boston): Focus
St-Simon (Boston): We all heard about Hollander signing to Ottawa, yes?
Hayes (Ottawa): 😁
Andersson (New York): Literally shut your face up Hazy (5 people liked this message)
Hayes (Ottawa): 🤐
Ivanov (Pittsburgh): I am retiring.
Campbell (Seattle): hello??
Campbell (Seattle): we literally were drafted together
Campbell (Seattle): you have at least five more years wtf
Campbell (Seattle): wdym you’re retiring
Ivanov (Pittsburgh): Do you want to live in nightmare of Hollander and Rozanov power play?
Ivanov (Pittsburgh): I have wife and kid.
Ivanov (Pittsburgh): Goodbye.
Ivanov (Pittsburgh) left this group chat.
Müller (Vancouver): …the western conference gc has another goalie that’s also retiring…
Hayes (Ottawa): toronto never played me but i’m so glad i’ve barely had to face rozanov
Hayes (Ottawa): and i never will again
St-Simon (Boston): I regret adding you to this chat
Hayes (Ottawa): 🙁
St-Simon (Boston): ANYWAYS
St-Simon (Boston): The point of this group chat was to get revenge on Montreal for making us have to forever be terrorized by Roz and Hollander
St-Simon (Boston): Do I wish that Hollander had just moved to Boston? Yes, but we can’t get everything that we want apparently 😒 (2 people disliked this message)
St-Simon (Boston): Or anything
Andersson (Seattle): I feel like we’ve lost the plot
Andersson (Seattle): Is there a point to this or can I mute this group chat
Müller (Vancouver): no literally like i have a job and things to do
St-Simon (Boston): THE POINT is that our teams can and will get revenge on Montreal for causing this to happen because obviously Ottawa is going to be a nightmare for everyone
St-Simon (Boston): But Drapeau isn’t going to get any consequences other than having to ALSO deal with the Hollanov line since no one can touch the goalie
St-Simon (Boston): Except for other goalies
Divers (Chicago): Ohhhhhhhhhh (4 people liked this message)
Hayes (Ottawa): oh hell yes i’m dropping gloves immediately
Hayes (Ottawa): game one
Riley (Detroit): man fuck you drop gloves for what 😭 (3 people emphasized this message)
Riley (Detroit): acting like ur not on a team WITH THEM (2 people liked this message)
Andersson (Seattle): Okay so who has the first game against them
Müller (Vancouver): Uh
St-Simon (Boston): …Boston (4 people laughed at this message)
NORMAL goalies:
Nilsson (Toronto): I hate what the league is turning into
Nilsson (Toronto): We used to have actually normal MEN in this sport
Drapeau (Montreal): You’re telling me? I’m the one that had to share a locker room with that fag
Nilsson (Toronto): Exactly, now there’s just of queers
Drapeau (Montreal): Good riddance
Vysotsky (Minnesota): Are we serious?
Vysotsky (Minnesota): Now nightmare of Hollander and Rozanov together will haunt me forever
Vysotsky (Minnesota): Yes, get gay people out of hockey, not on same team 😭
Vysotsky (Minnesota): Retirement sounds good now
Drapeau (Montreal): You literally have an entire year left on your contract?
Vysotsky (Minnesota): Do I?
Nilsson (Toronto): Man what are you even talking about?
Vysotsky (Minnesota): Who knows…
cool and not evil (or chicken) tenders:
Müller (Vancouver): YES STSIMON
Andersson (New York): FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
Hayes (Ottawa): that was a sickkk fight
Hayes (Ottawa): drapeau literally just dropped immediately
Riley (Detroit): nah fr for someone who shit talks so much he has no idea how to take it
Riley (Detroit): maybe this is why he’s homophobic (2 people laughed at this message)
St-Simon (Boston): All in a day’s work 😁
St-Simon (Boston): Roz texted me right after it too and said that he’s buying me a round for every punch i landed
Osborne (Edmonton): Wait I want in on that deal
Osborne (Edmonton): Share the wealth Simmy
St-Simon (Boston): idk man maybe you should’ve been a bear
Divers (Chicago): man fuck you 😭
Divers (Chicago): we don’t even go against them for like three weeks
Campbell (Seattle): Wait Riles how are you doing…
Riley (Detroit): …
Riley (Detroit): Is it too late to retire
Riley (Detroit): Hayes what’s Hollander’s address and where can you buy a gun in Ottawa
Hayes (Ottawa): HELLO?
Riley (Detroit): I’m going to kill myself in front of him because WHAT WAS THAT
St-Simon (Boston): I thought you were being dramatic until I checked the score wdym 6-1 😭😭😭😭
Riley (Detroit): so many emojis from someone whose address is in my phone
St-Simon (Boston): 🤐🤐🤐
Hayes (Ottawa): If it makes you feel better there were an absurd amount of power plays
Hayes (Ottawa): That’s more on your team than you really
Riley (Detroit): man whatever 😭
Andersson (New York): I just watched a compilation of all of the power plays…
Andersson (New York): Watch me get an injury right before our game tomorrow 😀🔫
Campbell (Seattle): I’ll avenge you against MTL tmrw 🫡
Andersson (New York): istg if anyone lets Ottawa on the power play I’m shooting myself on the ice
Hayes (Ottawa): Please don’t my wife is going to be there ☹️ (2 people disliked this message)
Osborne (Edmonton): So why is Hayes here again? (5 people emphasized this message)
NORMAL goalies:
Nilsson (Toronto): Two goalie fights in a row?
Drapeau (Montreal): They’re all a bunch of pussies
Drapeau (Montreal): No one has any respect for hockey anymore 🤮 (1 person liked this message)
Nilsson (Toronto): I know Hayes is somehow involved
Nilsson (Toronto): He was always such a pansy when he was backup here, literally always talking about his wife 🙄
Drapeau (Montreal): No wonder he gets along with the gayest team in the league
Nilsson (Toronto): good luck against Detroit tomorrow
Drapeau (Montreal): As if we need it
cool and not evil (or chicken) tenders:
Campbell (Seattle): LETS GO RILEY
Divers (Chicago): GET HIS ASS
Hayes (Ottawa): I feel so much fomo
Hayes (Ottawa): Roz keeps looking at me weird for practicing my swings
Osborne (Edmonton): If you still swing like how you did in juniors I would too bud
Hayes (Ottawa): Man fuck you too 😭
St-Simon (Boston): Did he start crying when you got his helmet off?
Riley (Detroit): Oh there were absolutely tears in his eyes 😆 (4 people liked this message)
Müller (Vancouver): Do you guys think that they’ve caught on yet?
Andersson (New York): …
Hayes (Ottawa): …
St-Simon (Boston): …
Riley (Detroit): …
Divers (Chicago): …
Campbell (Seattle): …
Osborne (Edmonton): Maybe after five he might start to get a hint
NORMAL goalies:
Nilsson (Toronto): And how was Detroit?
Drapeau (Montreal): Literally fuck off.
this censhouse is a censHOME:
Hollander: Has anyone noticed the goalie fights with Montreal?
Haas: oh absolutely
Holmberg: we’re starting to have watch parties ngl
Bood: Cassie said that the WAGs don’t really know anything
Dykstra: It’s probably some weird goalie thing @Hayes
Chouinard: @Hayes
Bood: @Hayes
LaPointe: @Hayes
Young: @Hayes
Haas: @Hayes
Hayes: jesus fuck it is 11 am in the morning WHAT
Hayes: guys I don’t know every goalie in the league tf
Rozanov: no but you know St-Simon and Riley 😬
Hayes: …and? I don’t see a point
Rozanov: goalie eyes vs goalie brain 😔
Hayes: man shut the hell up I know how many concussions you’ve had
Hollander: Shut up Rozanov.
LaPointe: 👀
Young: 👀
Haas: 👀
Dykstra: 👀
Hollander: I know where all of you live.
Rozanov: 🍿
Hollander: Fuck all the way off.
cool and not evil (or chicken) tenders:
Hayes (Ottawa): guys I think Roz is onto us
St-Simon (Boston): and? he’s just going to find it funny
Hayes (Ottawa): he was so right about goalie brains 😭
Hayes (Ottawa): Hollzy hates it when other people fight his battles for him and he’d definitely think that that’s what this is
Hayes (Ottawa): I don’t wanna do bag skates man 😭 (3 people disliked this message)
Andersson (New York): …I think you’ll survive
Riley (Detroit): Bag skates vs HOLLANOV POWER PLAY (5 people emphasized this message)
Divers (Chicago): Ain’t no way Hazy is complaining on main (4 people liked this message)
Hayes (Ottawa): fuck you guys 😭😭😭
this censhouse is a censHOME:
Chouinard: So is no one going to mention the four total goalie fights against Drapeau?
Hollander: He deserves it 🤷
Rozanov: I’m coming upstairs (5 people disliked this message)
Haas: oh hellll no (3 people liked this message)
LaPointe: the trade deadline hasn’t passed yet it’s not too late for me to get out (2 people laughed at this message)
cool and not evil (or chicken) tenders:
Campbell (Seattle): Guys do we think that we can force Drapeau into an early retirement?
Divers (Chicago): No that’s too kind to him he also deserves to suffer with us from the combo of the Bood-Rozanov-Barrett AND Boyle-Hollander-Haas lines
Divers (Chicago): The power play lines are my sleep paralysis demons 😭 (6 people liked this message)
Osborne (Edmonton): I literally need to reconnect with nature every time we play them (3 people liked this message)
St-Simon (Boston): Technically it’s more Hollander’s fault that Roz moved to Ottawa but having to play against my captain for the REST OF MY CAREER (2 people liked this message)
St-Simon (Boston): Hellll no
Hayes (Ottawa): Isn’t Marleau your captain now?
St-Simon (Boston): He’d agree with me
Riley (Detroit): I miss the high of a goalie fight 🙁
Riley (Detroit): Andersson you want to fight next match sooo bad
Andersson (New York): Wow the voices are really starting to get strong in Detroit huh
Riley (Detroit): Man fuck you I’m dropping gloves immediately (2 people laughed at this message)
Hayes (Ottawa): Guys I can’t you all are going to get to fight Montreal before me ☹️
Campbell (Seattle): Maybe it’ll send a message to the MTL team about what’s waiting for them…
Müller (Vancouver): 💀💀
Osborne (Edmonton): 💀💀
Divers (Chicago): Those bitches can’t read for shit, what makes you think they can read the rink? (4 people laughed at this message)
NORMAL goalies:
Nilsson (Toronto): Man how are you even alive now?
Drapeau (Montreal): Campbell has the weakest punch known to man
Nilsson (Toronto): …
Nilsson (Toronto): I mean if that’s how you want to play it 🤷
Wyatt Hayes and Zane Boodram:
Hayes: by the way
Hayes: planning on dropping gloves with Drapeau
Hayes: just thought a responsible adult should know
Bood: You’re fully an adult too?? (Hayes disliked this message)
Hayes: why would you wish that on me??
Bood: …forget I asked
Bood: knock yourself out
cool and not evil (or chicken) tenders:
St-Simon (Boston): HAYES HAYES HAYES
Osborne (Edmonton): DAMN THAT SWING
Divers (Chicago): Taking back that juniors comment Ozzy?
Osborne (Edmonton): Nah he was terrible then still
Osborne (Edmonton): Rozanov must’ve rubbed off on him
St-Simon (Boston): Did you see all the swinging? He rubbed off on the whole team (2 people questioned this message)
Riley (Detroit): Don’t tell Hollander that 💀💀 (4 people liked this message)
St-Simon (Boston): Man fuck you you knew what I meant
Divers (Chicago): Drapeau’s nose is definitely broken after that holyyyy
Riley (Detroit): Times like these make me feel patriotic as a Canadian
Müller (Vancouver): You don’t even play in Canada??
Riley (Detroit): Bye I know a German isn’t commenting this
Müller (Vancouver): 💀💀
Müller (Vancouver): Every day I wake up and read texts in this group chat against my will
this censhouse is a censHOME:
Bood: BBQ at my place this weekend to celebrate after that devastating win against MTL!!
Bood: Raise your hands if you’re coming
Haas: 🖐️
Holmberg: 🖐️
Dykstra: 🖐️
Chouinard: 🖐️
LaPointe: 🖐️
Young: 🖐️
Rozanov: 🖐️🖐️
Boyle: I have my parents visiting 😢
Hayes: 🖐️
Bood: You only get BBQ if you spill the goalie lore
Holmberg: no bc how does everyone know to drop gloves against Dr****u
LaPointe: they obvs hve a gc or smth
Hollander: Genuinely was that even English?
LaPointe: ya what else wld it be? (3 people laughed at this message)
Hollander: …
Bood: ANYWAYS be there at 5 or be square
cool and not evil (or chicken) tenders:
St-Simon (Boston): REJOICE!
Andersson (New York): It’s a beautiful day when you find out that Drap*** is benched for at least two weeks🌈
Divers (Chicago): #lovewins
Riley (Detroit): I can’t believe he gets away from the Hollanov power play 😭
Osborne (Edmonton): Guys maybe this is my sign to retire after my contract is up (2 people liked this message)
Campbell (Seattle): This is truly what life is about 🌈 (3 people liked this message)
Hayes (Ottawa): It was beautiful while it lasted 🥹
Müller (Vancouver): Can we start dropping gloves against Nilsson now? I know he and Drapeau enable each other (2 people emphasized this message)
Hayes (Ottawa): Literally say less