Work Text:
Hey Jimmy, it’s Grian.
Jimmy had been a good kid.
Quiet, respectful, and righteously afraid of everything. He listened to his parents and he never talked back to his teachers. He wasn’t great at school, but never once did he miss an assignment. He worked as hard as he could force himself to, and spent every night at the tiny desk in his bedroom trying to convince himself that he wasn’t stupid. He loved his parents, and he loved his friends. He never smoked, never drank. He was about as straight-laced as a teenager could be.
And then Joel showed up.
Joel was the polar opposite of everything Jimmy ever thought he was allowed to be. Loud, angry, rude, arrogant. He acted like the world owed him something, and like he was constantly chasing it down for missed payments. He was a ball of rage in a leather jacket and chunky boots.
Jimmy was obsessed from the moment he first saw him, smoking outside a gas station near the school, but he didn’t talk to him for another six months after that.
In that time, Joel had snatched up a sidekick. Grian was a transfer kid with a violent streak—or so Jimmy heard. Apparently, Grian had been transferred because he nearly killed a kid at his last school during a fight over some girl. Jimmy didn’t know if it was fully true, but it was believable.
Grian was scarier than Joel. A lot scarier. Where Joel was loud in his anger, Grian was always disturbingly calm. His fury was quiet, in thinly veiled threats and tensed jaws. Burning away in his eyes.
Jimmy thought they were the coolest people he’d ever seen. But he was a good kid, and he listened, so when his friend pointed them out and told Jimmy that they were the exact type of guy he should never want to be, he stayed away. He intended to never speak to them, never go near them.
He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Halfway across town, waiting patiently outside a house party that he’d been dragged to by a girl he didn’t really know but who was probably his type. Who he’d convinced himself was his type. Who asked him out while all his mates from the swim team watched on, so it wasn’t like he could turn her down.
Barely an hour into the party, he started to regret it. She had friends here, girls she’d known since primary who handed her a drink the second they walked inside. They’d offered him one too, and acted like he was invisible once he turned it down.
“How long are we going to be here?” He asked after a good twenty-five minutes of awkwardly watching them all talk, glancing between the girl he’d come with and his phone screen. “My mum wants to know when I’ll be home.”
“God, Jimmy, loosen up. Mummy can wait.” She’d said, laughing a bit. “We’re here until we aren’t!”
“I was just wondering if there was a specific time?” Jimmy said, she rolled her eyes at him.
“If you’re gonna be a wet blanket, you can wait outside.” One of her friends slurred.
“Yeah, Jimmy. I’ll find you when I want to leave.” The girl said, and so Jimmy took their advice and slipped out into the tiny front garden. It was still loud outside the party, and there were a couple people smoking that Jimmy purposefully stood far away from, but it was more manageable. It felt less suffocating.
Jimmy sat out there for a while, starting to really wish he hadn’t ditched his jacket when the girl who brought him said it made him look like a dork. It was still sitting in the porch of his house, discarded on the spot because he didn’t want to bring it back in and risk his mum asking why he was leaving it. She would have been right, anyway. It was chilly out. Jimmy hoped he didn’t catch a cold.
“Fuck!” He heard someone shout, and whipped his head up. The smokers had gone back inside about twenty minutes ago, leaving him alone on the front step, and therefore the only one around to see Joel kick the tire of a beaten-up truck Jimmy had seen him driving around before. “Stupid car!”
“Joel, my dad’s gonna fucking kill me.” Another voice growled, and Jimmy finally noticed Grian leaning heavily on the hood of the car, hands curled into fists.
“Shut up!” Joel barked. “I’ll figure it out, just give me one blummin’ second!”
“How many times have I told you to get this thing fixed?” Grian hissed.
“With what cash, idiot?” Joel said, bodying Grian out of the way and opening the hood to stare at it.
“I can’t believe you don’t know how to hot-wire a car.” Grian said.
“You don’t either, genius.” Joel snapped. Jimmy was really contemplating leaving when Joel’s gaze suddenly locked on him. He couldn’t honestly say why he didn’t leave as soon as they started yelling. He couldn’t say why he stuck around. He’d spend every day after trying to make sense of why. He’d never really know if he regretted it or not. “Hey, kid! Know how to jumpstart a car?”
Jimmy froze. He knew Joel could only be talking to him, but he still glanced around in hopes that wasn’t the case. When he realized he was well and truly alone, he timidly shook his head. “Uh—no…?”
“Of course he doesn’t, Joel, look at him. He’s probably like the host’s little brother.” Grian said.
“Well at least I’m trying.”
“Trying my arse.” Grian snarked. “If I show up on Monday with a black eye I know who I’m blaming.”
“Bloody hell, Grian!” Joel barked. “I’m doing my best—”
If Jimmy couldn’t say why he didn’t leave the second he saw Joel and Grian, an even bigger mystery was why on earth he did what he did next. Maybe it was that he knew they’d stop yelling if he fixed the problem. Maybe it was the general fear of having their anger turned onto him eventually. Maybe Jimmy really was just too nice for his own good.
Maybe it was the fact that, deep down, Jimmy thought they were cool.
Maybe he wanted an in.
“I could drive you home.” Jimmy offered, voice coming out just barely loud enough for Joel and Grian to catch it. They both looked a bit startled when they turned their attention to him. “If—if your car’s busted. It wouldn’t be too big of a deal.”
Joel looked over to Grian as if to gauge his reaction. Grian just shrugged. Joel turned back to Jimmy with a suspicious, but surprisingly genuine look. “Really?”
“Uh, sure. Why not?” Jimmy shrugged, still a little hunched in on himself. He felt a bit like a spring, coiled and ready to jump up and get away if anything took a turn for the worse. Joel and Grian didn’t seem like they were going to hurt him, though. They just seemed confused.
Joel took a step towards him, and Jimmy shrunk back a little more. Joel gave him a once over and then a tiny, slightly terrifying smile. “What’s your name, kid?”
“Jimmy.” He said, swallowing down his nerves.
“Jimmy.” Joel nodded. “I’m Joel, that bloke’s Grian.”
“I know.” Jimmy said, and watched Joel’s confusion come back in full.
“You know who we are?” He asked.
Jimmy nodded hesitantly. “We go to school together.”
“Oh, so you’re what? Year seven?” Joel asked. Jimmy had the dignity to feel mildly offended.
“Year nine.” He corrected.
“Wow, you’re a right shrimp, huh?” Joel asked, and Jimmy’s resolve withered a little.
Grian watched them for a second before stepping forward himself, sighing. “Alright, what do you want?”
“Huh?” Jimmy asked.
“What do you want? You know, in return?” Grian asked. “Cigs? Alcohol? Someone beaten up?”
“What? Oh, no! No, none of the above!” Jimmy said, voice going a little squeaky in horror. “I just figured you could use some help! I don’t—I don’t want anything. I don’t want any trouble.”
Joel and Grian looked at each other again. Grian squinted at him. “You don’t want anything?”
“Please no.” Jimmy said.
Grian regarded him for a few more moments, making Jimmy feel like a bug beneath a magnifying glass, before nodding like he’d just come to an agreement with himself. “Alright. You want to drive us home?”
Jimmy really didn’t like how many questions they were asking. It made him feel like he was being interrogated. Like one wrong answer would mean getting his brain bashed in. He gulped. “Yes.”
“Thanks.” Grian said. It sounded kind of foreign, like he didn’t really know how to be polite. Jimmy guessed that made sense. “Timmy, you said?”
Jimmy nodded without thinking, standing up. He probably should have corrected him, but he was a bit busy trying not to sprint into the night and disappear. “I’ll…uh. Follow me. It’s just around the corner.”
Joel and Grian followed Jimmy silently, which was slightly intimidating, but Jimmy felt a bit safer once they reached the car and he slipped into the driver's seat. At the very least he knew he had some control of the situation as long as he was behind the wheel. Worst case scenario, he could crash them all into a tree or something. His parents probably wouldn’t be happy with him. For crashing their car or for getting himself injured, probably both. But it was a good enough solution to potentially…what? Being threatened at knife-point? Yeah. Probably that. Jimmy had heard some of the kids he went to school with say Joel carried a switchblade.
Jimmy was a little terrified when Joel hopped into the passenger seat instead of the back with Grian, but he tried not to show it. His hands were a little shaky on the steering wheel as he started the car and pulled away from the curb. He only realized he didn’t know where he was going when he’d already started down the road.
“Take a right here.” Grian said, seeming to also notice Jimmy’s lapse. Jimmy just nodded, following the direction. It continued like that the whole way to Grian’s house, Grian giving him directions and Jimmy following wordlessly. Joel stayed buried in his phone in the front seat, not acknowledging either of them until they were on the street Grian’s house was on.
“G.” Joel said just as Jimmy parked on the curb, looking back at where Grian was getting out of the backseat. “Forgetting something?”
Grian glared at Joel but reached into the pocket of his leather jacket, producing a small box and chucking it at Joel’s head. Joel caught it in one hand, grinning at him with faux-sweetness. Jimmy could just barely make out the name of a cigarette brand written across the top of the package. He wasn’t too surprised by that, but the very idea of cigarettes in his parents car made him a little on edge. Thankfully, Joel immediately went to pocket them. Jimmy was very glad he wasn’t going to have to work up the courage to tell him not to smoke in here.
“See you on Monday!” Joel called out teasingly as Grian slammed the door. He opened it back up after barely a second to flip Joel off before slamming it again. Jimmy tensed as Joel cackled in the passenger seat. He calmed himself down after a second, eyeing Jimmy’s hunched shoulders and settling into his seat again. “Left turn at the next stoplight.”
Jimmy nodded stiffly, putting the car in drive and pulling onto the road again.
“Thanks for the lift.” Joel said once they arrived at his home, unbuckling before Jimmy had even put the car in park. Jimmy was a little scared he was about to try and get out of the car while it was still moving and immediately made a noise to stop him. Joel lifted an eyebrow.
“Sorry.” Jimmy said, voice a bit strangled. He tried to grasp for any kind of thing to say to make him grabbing Joel’s attention worthwhile. “I was just thinking…maybe you should get my phone number? So I can take you to go get your car tomorrow. I don’t want you to get towed.”
Joel looked a bit surprised, but nodded. “Yeah, mate, that’d be great.”
Jimmy gave Joel a shaky smile as he got passed his phone. He flipped it open, navigating to the contacts and ever so carefully punching in his phone number before handing it back. Joel snapped it closed, giving Jimmy one more terrifying smile before opening the door and hopping out.
“Drive safe.” Joel said—insincerely, Jimmy was sure—before slamming the door closed and leaving. Jimmy immediately let out a sigh, feeling the tension flood from his body at the knowledge that he had successfully driven around the two scariest people he knew without getting his throat slit or drugs jabbed in his arm or whatever other thing they warned about in those public service announcements that sometimes played when his mom was watching daytime soap operas. He decided he’d get himself a treat when he got home, one of the ice-pops in their freezer that he used as motivation for getting through the worst exams and swim-meets. God knew he earned one for all that.
His phone chimed and he fished it out of his pocket, feeling all the tension return when he saw a text from the girl who’d brought him to the party. He quickly texted back that he was coming to get her now, having gone for a walk around the neighborhood, and would call her when he’d gotten the car. He didn’t like lying, but it was much easier to do than admit that he’d ditched her to drive home two miscreants.
He took one additional second to calm his nerves before shifting the car into drive and trying to remember the way back to the party.
I don’t know if this will reach you. I don’t even know if this is your number still, but it was the only way I could think to contact you.
“Timmy!”
Jimmy practically jumped out of his skin when he heard the voice behind him. It wasn’t his name, so he didn’t immediately think they were shouting for him, but it was just close enough that it made him look anyway. He was even more freaked out when he immediately locked eyes with Grian, of all people, leaning against the wall of the school building. Jimmy glanced around nervously, a bit scared of one of his friends or his girlfriend materializing out of thin air to ask why on earth Grian was waving him over. Luckily, he was pretty well and truly alone, having stayed after school in the library to do homework since his parents were having people over tonight and he didn’t want to be distracted. He always was easily distracted.
“I thought that was you.” Grian said, giving Jimmy a once-over as he came closer. “What are you doing here?”
“Uh. Homework.” Jimmy said dumbly.
Grian huffed a laugh. “‘Course. You the studious type, Tim?”
“Not really.” He shrugged. He was a safe C-average student. He did try, he just wasn’t all that good at school. His mom had always said it was because he was poor at applying himself. Jimmy thought she was probably right.
“Not studious, but you stay after school to do homework?” Grian asked. Jimmy didn’t like how judgemental he sounded.
Jimmy nodded. “I’m trying.”
“Got a tutor or something?” Grian asked.
“Why are you asking?” Jimmy bit out, a little exasperated, before he could think better of it. He immediately felt his stomach flip with anxiety. “Sorry. That was rude. I didn’t—”
Grian laughed. “You’re odd, Timmy.”
Jimmy’s eyes skated around the empty school parking lot. Well, near empty. A couple of the staff spots were still taken, and now that Jimmy was looking for it he could see Joel’s beaten pick-up parked nearby. In one of the handicap spots, Jimmy realized. He felt on edge again. “Does…nevermind.”
“What?” Grian asked.
“I just don’t think he’s supposed to park there.” Jimmy mumbled, and Grian looked to where Jimmy’s eyes were fixed and huffed another laugh.
“Yeah, probably not.” He shrugged. “Whatever. Not like we’re gonna be here long.”
“Where is…?”
“Joel’s inside. Just finishing up something.” Grian said, vaguely and in such a way that any and all questions Jimmy had disappeared instantaneously. He took a step closer, and Jimmy’s shoulders shot up to meet his ears again. “Hey, it’s actually good running into you.”
“Oh?” Jimmy asked, voice coming out squeaky.
“I don’t think Joel and I properly thanked you for driving us home.” Grian said. Jimmy didn’t know how to say that he was never expecting thanks. That in an ideal world, Jimmy would never have to talk to the two of them ever again. He just nodded. “I mean, you really saved our behinds. Mine for sure.”
“Ah, it was no trouble.” Jimmy said nervously.
“Well, I owe you.” Grian said easily. “You’ve got Joel’s number, yeah? Text us when you need something.”
“Okay.” Jimmy agreed, knowing full well he was never following through with that. He’d sooner call his primary school teacher for help than Grian and Joel.
“Alright, we—” A voice came from nearby, and Jimmy turned to see Joel stepping out of the school building thumbing through a stack of cash. Jimmy tensed as Joel’s eyes landed on him, and he broke into a smile. “Hey Jim!”
“Jim.” Like they were friends. Jimmy was starting to feel more and more uncomfortable in his own skin. He averted his gaze, suddenly finding his fraying shoelaces incredibly interesting. “Hi.”
He was startled when an arm landed around his shoulder, but he didn’t dare look up. “What’re you doing here?”
Jimmy opened his mouth to reply, but Grian beat him to it. “Homework, he says.”
The way Grian said it made it sound like he didn’t believe him. Jimmy frowned, getting a bit defensive. He was about to speak up when he was cut off again, this time by Joel. “You got somewhere you need to be?”
“Uh. Just…just home, I guess.” Jimmy said, still not looking either of them in the eyes.
“Want to get food with us?” Joel asked. “As thanks.”
Jimmy immediately wanted to ask what the catch was, what he’d be roped into doing if they brought him someplace. Warning lights flashed through his mind. Things that the police officers who’d come give talks back in primary would say about avoiding getting kidnapped, about never letting yourself get taken to a secondary location. He didn’t know if that applied here, but he did know that getting food with these two would be crossing some sort of line. Whether it was the line from unwitting bystander to victim or something less nefarious, Jimmy was nervous to find out. “I should really get home.”
“Aw, c’mon Jimmy. Indulge us?” Joel asked, and Jimmy bit his tongue. Indulge the two scariest guys ever? Jimmy might rather just get killed. “We’ll pay.”
Jimmy immediately felt guilt well in his gut. He hated when people paid for stuff for him. His mum was always so adamant about not accepting handouts. “Oh, uh, you don’t—”
“God, Tim, just let Joel buy you a burger.” Grian cut in. “You’re so twitchy.”
“Twitchy?” Jimmy said, finally looking up. “I’m not twitchy.”
“Ooh, touched a nerve?” Joel teased. Jimmy felt a bit indignant.
“What’s a better word? Skittish? Jumpy?” Grian asked. “You act like we’re gonna kill you in the school parking lot.”
“Do you blame me?” Jimmy said before he could stop himself.
“Kind of.” Grian shrugged. “We don’t kill people. We aren’t crazy.”
“You almost did.” Jimmy mumbled. Him and his big mouth.
“What was that?” Grian asked, narrowing his eyes. Joel’s arm felt heavy around Jimmy’s shoulders.
“Nothing.” He said quickly. He watched Joel and Grian share a look above his head. Jimmy wanted to sink into the ground.
“You know what? How ‘bout you tell us on the way to the burger place.” Joel said, clapping his hand on Jimmy’s shoulder. It seemed nice enough, but Jimmy couldn’t stop thinking about the horror stories. Second location, second location, second location, blaring in his head like an alarm. He didn’t want to go, but he also didn’t know how to say no. Jimmy was always really bad at confrontation. Always really bad at standing his ground and setting boundaries.
That wasn’t going to change now, no matter how much he wished it would.
“Okay.” He said quietly, feeling a tinge better when Grian’s gaze stopped feeling quite so piercing.
“Great!” Joel said, steering Jimmy towards the beat-up truck in the handicap spot. Jimmy was a little nervous when he saw that there were only two seats in the cab, a little scared he’d end up squished between Joel and Grian on the cupholder or something. When Grian simply stepped in front of him and pushed forward the front seat to reveal a tiny little backseat behind the main seats, he felt even more freaked out at the idea of being trapped back there, unable to get out unless they let him. He must’ve been putting out more nervous energy than he thought, because all it took was a glance before Grian was rolling his eyes and squeezing through the gap between seats to get in the back. He even pulled the front seat back so Jimmy didn’t have to.
Getting in the passenger seat was a relief, knowing that worst case scenario he could always try and get out of the car, but he was still a bit nervous as Joel hopped into the driver's seat beside him and started them out of the parking lot.
“Joel, did—” Grian started, and Jimmy could vaguely make out Grian leaning forward to peer into the front seat, stopping himself and eyeing Jimmy cautiously before continuing. “Did you find out when we’re meeting them?”
“Sundown.” Joel said easily. “Said he was bringing some extra if we wanted to join in.”
“It has been a while.” Grian said. “He’s not too pressed about lookout, then?”
“It’s a pretty secluded spot.” Joel said. “Not that worried about cops.”
“Long as he’s sure.” Grian settled, sitting back and cracking his knuckles audibly.
Jimmy didn’t love sitting through listening to what he was pretty sure was plans to meet up with some other random people and do drugs, but he was good at keeping his discomfort to himself. Joel and Grian continued chatting cryptically to each other throughout the drive, and Jimmy continued making himself as invisible as possible. When they got to the drivethrough and Joel asked him what he wanted, he just said the cheapest thing he could see on the menu and proceeded to pick at it idly while they were parked in the restaurant's lot. Partly because he was too nervous to want to eat, and partly because a part of him felt weird about eating a burger that was probably bought with drug money.
“Only child?” Grian asked suddenly, and Jimmy whipped his head up to look at him.
“Uh.” Jimmy fumbled. “Why?”
“Because no one with siblings eats that slow.” Grian snorted, and Jimmy felt his face flush a little bit.
“Don’t worry, Jimmy. I’m an only child too.” Joel said. “Grian teases me about it all the time. Even though he’s functionally an only child himself.”
“Hey, just ‘cause I don’t live with my sister doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist.” Grian snipped.
Jimmy hesitated just a second before his curiosity won over. “Is she in uni?”
Grian looked a bit surprised by the question but recovered quickly, shaking his head. “My mum got her in the divorce.”
“Oh.” Jimmy said, awkwardly picking at the lettuce of his burger. “I’m sorry.”
“Eh, I hardly remember it.” Grian shrugged. “Long time ago.”
“Still.” Jimmy said quietly. Grian gave him a searching look. Whether or not he found what he was looking for, Jimmy didn’t know, but he eventually gave up and shifted his gaze back to the food in Jimmy’s hands and then to Joel.
“How much do we have left?” He asked, and Joel sighed.
“Not much.” He grumbled. “I mean, he asked for a couple cases, but it’s cheap rubbish.”
“Yeah, says you. You never want to drink anything but that stupid expensive stuff.” Grian said.
“Well if I’m gonna get drunk I might as well enjoy it.” Joel said back.
“Most people don’t drink for the taste, idiot.” Grian said, shoving him a bit, which was awkward since he was still having to lean over the center console between seats to even reach them. “Two pounds or thirty, the feeling’s the same.”
“What do you think, Jimmy?” Joel asked suddenly, and Jimmy tensed.
“Oh. I don’t drink.” He said.
“Of course he doesn’t.” Grian said, rolling his eyes at Joel. “Tim’s a model citizen.”
“Why do you keep calling me that?” Jimmy asked. Joel had been calling him by the right name the whole time, but Grian had still not gotten the memo. It was confusing. He didn’t miss the way a tiny grin started to grow on Joel’s face, and Grian looked a bit confused.
“It’s your name?” Grian asked.
“My name is Jimmy.” He said, and jumped in surprise when Joel hollered.
“Pay up!” He shouted, and Grian frowned. “I told you it wasn’t Timmy!”
“I’m not giving you shit.” Grian growled, before turning back to Jimmy and looking scandalized. “It’s really Jimmy?”
“Yes?” Jimmy said, hesitantly. “I mean…technically it’s James—”
“Doesn’t matter, I was right and you were wrong, idiot!” Joel said, getting in Grian’s face again.
“He nodded when I asked if it was Timmy!” Grian said, shoving Joel again.
“Yeah, ‘cause he’s scared of you.” Joel teased.
“Speaking of.” Grian said, turning his glare to Jimmy. Jimmy immediately shrunk back, the handle of the car door jabbing into his back a little bit. “What was all that earlier about me killing someone?”
“Uh. Nothing.” Jimmy said dumbly. Grian’s glare just got more skeptical, and Jimmy’s eyes darted to Joel for a split second, but it was clear from how intently he was watching Jimmy for an answer that they weren’t going to let him get out of this. And if he wanted to escape, he’d have to turn around to pull up the peg that locked the door, and he was a little scared of one of them grabbing him to keep him from running away. Jimmy’s throat felt tight as he swallowed. “It’s just something I heard.”
“People are saying I tried to kill somebody?” Grian asked. Jimmy couldn’t stop himself from nodding.
“They said that’s why you got transferred.” Jimmy mumbled. Grian’s eyes widened a little bit, glancing to Joel who just shrugged, but also looked a bit like he’d just bitten into something sour. Eventually, Grian looked back to Jimmy, imploring him to say more with just the scowl on his face. “Uh. According to…to some people, you got in a fight over some girl at your old school and you nearly killed the guy.”
“Over some—!” Grian grit out before cutting himself off, running an exasperated hand down his face and letting out a bitter, frankly terrifying laugh. “Jesus Christ, some people will just fucking believe whatever! ‘Over some girl.’”
“So it’s not true?” Jimmy asked cautiously.
“No it’s not fucking true!” Grian snapped, and Jimmy hunched his shoulders more. He glared at Jimmy for only a couple seconds more before deflating, slumping back into his seat and crossing his arms over his chest. Jimmy hated to think it, knowing how scary Grian was, but like this he almost seemed…pitiful. Grappling with some sort of inner demon and only just now learning about the rumors people were spreading around behind his back. It almost made Jimmy feel bad.
“Grian?” Joel asked, and the two made eye contact for a few moments, having some sort of silent conversation. After a couple seconds, Grian just nodded and Joel quickly unlocked his door and hopped out. He brought the seat forward enough for Grian to slip out and onto the pavement, handing Grian the box of cigarettes Jimmy had seen them trade over a week ago now. Grian stuffed the box in his pocket and turned on his heel, stalking away from the truck as Joel hopped back inside. “He’s just gonna take a walk and cool off. He’ll be back in a few.”
Jimmy nodded slightly, and turned his attention back to the burger. He took a bite of it. It was colder now, but Jimmy’s nerves had gone from making him nauseous to making him desperate to focus on anything but the awkwardness of the silence between him and Joel. So focusing on finishing his food it was. Knowing it wasn’t bought with drug money was also helpful. Underage-alcohol money probably wasn’t that much better technically, but it felt a lot less disquieting somehow.
“That’s why you’re so nervous around us, huh?” Joel asked after a couple minutes of silence. Jimmy had practically finished his burger, which was probably why Joel finally felt a need to fill the quiet. “Lotta rumors like that?”
“Yeah.” Jimmy nodded, now busying himself with crumpling the wrapper of his burger into a little ball. “I mean. Some of them are probably true.”
“Eh, most of them, probably.” Joel shrugged.
“They say you carry a switchblade.” Jimmy offered after another beat of silence, and Joel laughed a little.
“That’s one of the true ones.” Joel said. “I only ever use it as a threat, though. People are much less willing to fuck with you if you have a weapon.”
Jimmy nodded, shifting in his seat uncomfortably. “I would be.”
Joel barked a laugh at that, as if Jimmy saying that was funny. Jimmy could only imagine it was because it was so obvious. “You’re a good kid, Jimmy.”
“Not a kid.” Jimmy mumbled. Joel was probably only a year older than him at most.
“You have a curfew?” Joel asked, and Jimmy hesitated. Joel noticed, and went to elaborate. “Grian and I are meeting up with a couple guys we know.”
“I know, I heard you talking about it.” Jimmy said, worrying his lip between his teeth. “I don’t really want to do drugs.”
Joel laughed again. “Yeah, me neither, mate. We’re tagging.”
“Like, graffiti?” Jimmy said, not any less nervous than he had just been. Joel looked a bit amused as he nodded. “That’s illegal.”
“Yeah, but it’s also fun.” Joel said, like that was all that mattered. Jimmy wondered if to Joel, it was. He certainly seemed to find some fun in all the things he did. That was one thing Jimmy had slowly started seeing after the bit of time he’d spent with the two. They seemed a lot less terrifying up close. In fact, they kind of just seemed like teenagers. Bad ones, maybe, the kind that his parents and all those politicians complained about, but teenagers. Joel gave Jimmy a smile. “You seem like you could use some fun.”
Jimmy hated how true that was. He couldn’t remember the last time he really enjoyed himself doing…well, anything. It all just felt routine. School, swim-practice, and then homework. Maybe he’d get to hang out with his friends or go out with his girlfriend if he was lucky, but even then those things didn’t make him feel much. He was comfortable, he guessed. His life was as comfortable and predictable as he was sure it was supposed to be. As content as his parents wanted it to be.
He didn’t know if he wanted it to be.
“My mum wouldn’t like it very much.” Jimmy said, and Joel just kept looking at him. Like he expected there to be a ‘but.’ Jimmy didn’t know yet if there was one. He tightened his grip on the balled up wrapper.
“You’ve got other friends, don’t you? Just tell her you’re with them.” Joel suggested.
“You mean like…lie to her?” Jimmy asked, nervous. “I couldn’t do that.”
“You’ve never lied to your mum before?” Joel asked, like he thought the very idea was ridiculous.
“Of course not!” Jimmy said, before amending. He was sure he’d lied to her once or twice, but it was always tiny things. He never lied to her about where he was. Except for when he drove Grian and Joel home, he guessed. But he hadn’t lied, he’d just not told her. Did that count? Had he lied to her? “Um. Not about anything like this.”
“Anything like this as in hanging out with people, or graffiti?” Joel asked, teasing. Jimmy had almost forgotten what he was being invited to do.
“Both.” Jimmy said. He bit the inside of his cheek hard enough to taste copper.
“So?” Joel asked after a moment of silence.
And Jimmy didn’t like doing so, but for a moment, he really thought about it. He really thought about what it would mean to go with Joel and Grian to meet their friends and—well, he probably wouldn’t do any graffiti, but to watch them do it. To be an accomplice. What it would mean to rebel like that. Jimmy was a good kid.
The taste of mediocre fast-food clung to the inside of his mouth. To the back of his teeth. It kind of tasted like freedom.
Jimmy took a sip from his water bottle, pulling it from where it sat in the pocket of his backpack in the foothold. He washed the taste away.
“I should go home.” He said, not looking at Joel. “My mum expects me back.”
“Okay.” Joel said. And that was that. When Grian returned and lobbed Joel’s cigarettes back in his direction as he climbed into the back seat, Joel only took a brief moment to explain the plan before he started driving Jimmy home.
“Hey, Jimmy.” Grian said as they got in range of his house. “Give me your phone for a second.”
Jimmy hesitated for only a moment before passing the device to Grian. It got handed back to him a few moments later, a new contact on the list. Jimmy blinked at it. “Oh. Thanks.”
Grian barely acknowledged it, but Jimmy knew what this was. Now, both Joel and Grian had given Jimmy their numbers. They were inviting him in. They wanted him around again.
Jimmy hesitated before getting out of the car. He looked back at Joel, who was already turning back to talk to Grian about graffiti tags. Jimmy opened his mouth to say something, but closed it before either of them could notice. He slipped out of the car, and heard Joel and Grian rush to give him goodbye’s before the door closed.
When he made it into his house, he was greeted by the sight of his mom cleaning up cups and plates. Probably from their guests.
“Did you get all your homework done?” She asked once she caught sight of him.
“Yeah, mum.” Jimmy said briefly as he shuffled to his room. She just let out a content noise of approval before letting him go. When he got inside, he took a moment to look at the contacts list of his phone. Joel and Grian had both saved themselves under just their first names. Casual, but not impersonal.
Jimmy put his phone on his nightstand and started pulling off his school uniform.
I know you probably don’t want to hear from me, but my therapist said this would be good to do. I’ve been seeing her for a few years now. She’s pretty good at her job.
Every time Joel and Grian saw Jimmy after that, they asked him to hang out. Jimmy always found a way to keep them at a safe distance, while also being polite enough to keep them around. He’d go out for food or to the convenience store. Sometimes he’d drive them to or from parties, and sometimes Joel would drive him home after school or swim-practices when his mum or one of his friends couldn’t. Jimmy was content like this. It felt like getting brief tastes of that freedom he’d been craving, without overindulging. It felt just dangerous enough to still be safe. Just rebellious enough for him to still be a good kid.
That changed one winter afternoon. Jimmy had gotten a text earlier that day from Grian with just a location and the words ‘tagging, Joel said you seemed interested.’ Jimmy had felt a pit in his stomach at the words. He hadn’t seemed interested, had he? He wasn’t interested. That was illegal. He wasn’t going to do graffiti with them. It was one step too far. How could Joel even think to offer that?
Jimmy tried not to think about it too hard. He had a date tonight, anyway. His girlfriend had asked him to meet her after school, and so he had asked his mum for the car so he could drive them to whatever restaurant or park she wanted to go to. Jimmy liked his girlfriend. She was safe, secure. She was exactly the kind of girl Jimmy always thought he’d end up with. Pretty, smart, and cared about him just enough. He didn’t need much more than that. He didn’t need the true love that people were always talking about. He just needed to be content.
“Oh, hey, Jimmy.” She said, when he approached her after school.
“Hey.” He smiled, clutching and unclutching his car keys. “Did you have someplace in mind? I think—”
“Yeah, Jimmy about that.” She said, sighing. “I don’t think this is working.”
“What?” Jimmy asked, brow crinkling. “What do you mean?”
“It’s just…no offense, Jimmy, but you’re a little boring. You never want to party, or have sex, or do anything fun.” She complained. “I want my boyfriend to be exciting, you know?”
“Oh.” Jimmy said, because he wasn’t sure what else he could say.
“It’s not you, Jimmy, it’s me.” She said, and Jimmy couldn’t help but feel annoyance burrow into his gut at that. Had she not just listed all the reasons it was him? “I’m just looking for something else.”
“Okay.” He said. She smiled.
“Thanks for being so understanding, Jimmy. You really are a sweetheart. I hope you find a girl who’s into that.” She smiled, pressing a patronizing little kiss to his cheek. “See you around.”
“See you.” He mumbled as she walked away, already typing on her phone. He sort of just stood there for a moment, staring at the school parking lot and feeling his keys dig into his palm. He swallowed back the little tears pricking at the corners of his eyes and marched towards his car, throwing open the door and hopping in the driver's seat.
She didn’t want him? Fine. Jimmy knew two people who did.
He didn’t even think about what he was doing when he was parking in the tiny lot of the hiking trail Grian had sent him the location of. Didn’t question the line he was crossing as he used the coordinates to traverse the off-beat dirt paths that took him all the way to a little alcove in the woods, where a big, broken down concrete bridge stood among the foliage, absolutely covered in colorful graffiti. He didn’t realize what was happening until he caught sight of two figures standing by the bridge, one of them handing the other a large can of spray paint and both of them covering the bottom halves of their faces with bandanas. Even still, Jimmy recognized them. A part of him thought he’d recognize them anywhere.
Grian pressed down on the top of the can, making a big long arch of paint. Jimmy could see where it looked to be adding to a giant, drippy pair of parrot wings. He couldn’t help but stand and stare, watching in awe as the wing took shape.
Joel turned while grabbing another can of paint and froze when his eyes landed on Jimmy. For a moment, Jimmy felt that fear again. That anxiety of getting too close. Grian seemed to notice the lack of movement from Joel and looked over as well, also only now noticing Jimmy standing there.
“You came?” Joel asked, looking back at Grian shiftily as Jimmy hesitantly stepped closer. If Jimmy didn’t know better, he would think they almost looked scared of him being there.
“Yeah.” Jimmy said, awkwardly. “I could go?”
“No, it’s fine.” Grian said, picking up a can of spray paint and tossing it loosely in his hand. “You wanna tag?”
“Oh. Uhm.” Jimmy hadn’t thought about that. He didn’t think about how coming here would mean he’d actually have to do graffiti. He shifted his weight. “Can I just watch?”
“Yeah, man. Sure.” Joel said, and Jimmy felt a bit of relief when Joel clapped a hand on his shoulder and fished a bandana out of his pocket. He handed it to Jimmy and pointed at his own. “For the fumes. You’ll probably be fine, since you’re not actually tagging, but you know.”
“Thanks.” Jimmy said, taking it and fumbling just a little bit to tie it into a mask over his face. Once he did, he stood and watched as Grian took the can in his hand and started towards another section of the wall. Not the parrot wings he was working on before. Jimmy frowned just a little.
“Hey, Jim, mind passing me the green?” Joel asked, pointing at a can of spray paint next to Jimmy. “The neon one.”
Jimmy blinked, but obliged. As Joel took the can from him, Jimmy’s fingers brushed his just barely, and he felt a little bit of the nerves start trickling back in.
What was he doing? He wasn’t even just watching them commit a crime, he was actively helping them. What was he thinking?
“Brown?” Joel asked after a few minutes, and Jimmy took the neon green from him, crouching down to grab the brown from beside him and give it to Joel. He sat back once Joel had taken it, sitting on the rocky forest floor and watching them. Jimmy watched Grian write some squiggly looking thing across the wall, and felt a bit of confusion.
“Are you going to finish the wings?” Jimmy asked after a moment. Grian looked up at him and immediately tensed. His eyebrows drew together, and he purposefully dragged the line he was painting so it cut through the parrot wings. Ruining them.
“What wings?” He asked, tersely.
Jimmy hesitated for a moment. A part of him felt a tinge of sadness at watching Grian start painting over such a beautiful piece of art. “I thought they looked cool.”
“They looked gay.” Grian bit out, and Jimmy tensed a little. He never did like it when people said that. He wasn’t sure why. He’d never even met a gay person, but a part of him felt bad. No way anyone deserved to have their identity used as an insult. “And I didn’t paint them.”
“Okay.” Jimmy said quietly. He didn’t speak up again after that, just watching silently as Joel and Grian finished tagging the bridge and passing them cans when they asked for them. When Joel asked for them, actually. Grian kept going out of his way to grab his own.
“So, Jimmy.” Joel asked once he was done, sitting beside Jimmy and watching Grian finish up. “What brings you out here? I didn’t think you’d ever want to do something like this.”
“I don’t know.” Jimmy said. He watched Grian for a moment longer before shrugging. “My girlfriend broke up with me.”
“You have a girlfriend?” Joel asked, sounding surprised. Jimmy felt a bit offended. “Had, sorry.”
Jimmy sighed. “Yeah. She was nice.”
“I’m sorry, mate.” Joel said. “You seem like a catch.”
Jimmy laughed a little in spite of himself. “She called me boring.”
Joel looked at him with a raised eyebrow. He was silent for a few seconds. “Is that why you came here?”
Jimmy thought about it for a moment. Was that why he came here? Was his immediate reaction to be called boring just to immediately go do a crime? What kind of person did that make him? But when he thought about it more, it hadn’t been a desire to prove her wrong that drove him here. It was a desire to be wanted.
It just so happened that the only place where Jimmy felt wanted these days happened to be aiding criminals. What had his life come to?
“No.” Jimmy said honestly. Joel nodded.
“Well, don’t worry about her Jimmy.” Joel said. “She sounds like an idiot.”
“She’s not.” Jimmy said, a bit defensively. He didn’t know why he felt the need to defend her, but he did. “She just didn’t love me.”
“I guess—”
“I don’t think I loved her either.” Jimmy admitted, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop himself. “I think we were only really dating ‘cause it was easy.”
“Huh.” Joel said, like he didn’t know how to respond to that. Jimmy guessed he wouldn’t know how to respond to that either.
Jimmy watched as Grian finished up the tag. It was nice, he guessed, but somewhat plain. If Jimmy looked hard enough, he could see inklings of the artistry that Grian had used for those wings, but it was just so different. Jimmy sort of wondered if that was on purpose. If Grian’s tags were so much less flashy so that no one could ever think him and the person making street art like those wings were the same person. It made him kind of sad to think about.
“You’re still here.” Grian said as he set the paint can on the ground, looking up at Jimmy and then at Joel.
Jimmy nodded. “I never left.”
Grian blinked at him once or twice but shrugged it off as he rifled through one of the plastic grocery bags on the ground. A few of them still had some paint cans inside, but most of them had been left empty until the cans that came from them could be put back. Grian pulled a can of beer from the bag he was going through and held it up. “You want a drink?”
“Oh.” Jimmy said. “I don’t really drink.”
“Right, forgot about that.” Grian said, tossing the can to Joel instead and going back to the bag. “I think we’ve got some of that cheap iced tea shit Joel likes in the truck.”
“Hey, man, it’s good!” Joel defended, before nudging Jimmy. “And good for not feeling left out.”
Jimmy felt his face heat up slightly. They were really willing to go out of their way to get him something he could drink, just so he felt included. That was more than his girlfriend and her friends ever did. Usually they just wouldn’t invite him if they knew they’d be drinking. Grian stood up from where he was crouching. “Joel, hand me the keys and I’ll go get one.”
“Nah, mate, I’ve got it.” Joel said, getting up from the ground and patting Jimmy’s shoulder once. “Be right back.”
He left Jimmy and Grian alone in the silence, and Jimmy tried to pretend like it didn’t make him feel super anxious. He knew logically that Grian probably wouldn’t, like, attack him or anything. But it was still nerve-wracking. He tried to keep his eyes trained on the ground or the bridge, or just wherever Grian wasn’t.
“So.” Grian said, after a while. Jimmy looked a little more in his direction without meeting his eyes. Grian didn’t seem to care. He was still staring at the beer in his hand. “You know, most people just go home after a breakup.”
“Yeah.” Jimmy said, because he didn’t have anything else to say. He didn’t even know Grian had been listening to that. Jimmy supposed he must’ve caught it in passing.
“First breakup?” Grian asked, awkwardly. Jimmy nodded at him. “Okay.”
“You don’t have to talk to me.” Jimmy said before he could stop himself. He immediately straightened up and tried to backtrack. “I mean—I just mean, like, if you don’t want to. You don’t need to make small talk. It’s fine.”
“Do you not want to talk to me?” Grian asked, enough edge to his voice to make Jimmy panicky again.
“No! I mean, yes! Uh, yes, I want to talk to you, not yes I don’t.” Jimmy said, fumbling over his words. He had to restrain himself from burying his face in his hands. “But—but you don’t have to feel forced, I was just—”
“I’m messing with you.” Grian said, and when Jimmy looked back at him he was smirking a little. Jimmy felt his face flush again. He just couldn’t help but make a fool of himself, could he? “Still scared of me, huh?”
“Well, you’re a bit scary.” Jimmy admitted, and Grian laughed. A part of Jimmy wanted to ask about the wings again now that Grian was in a good mood, but it didn’t feel like the time.
“Weird what a reputation can do.” Grian mused aloud, and Jimmy nodded. “You know, I never heard of you before that night at the party.”
“That makes sense.” Jimmy said, shrugging. “I kind of blend into the background.”
Grian hummed. He glanced between the beer and Jimmy, and finally at the wall again. Where the parrot wings were, but weren’t any more. Covered up by messy lines of paint. Jimmy heard the aluminum of the beer can groan a little in protest, and looked down to see where Grian’s grip on it had tightened. “Jimmy, do you ever—”
“Got it!” A voice called through the woods, and Grian’s head turned up at the same time Jimmy’s did to see Joel coming down the hill, waving a can of gas station iced tea over his head. Jimmy turned back to look at Grian, who had started steadily pulling another beer can from the bag and cracking open the one in his hand.
“Do I ever what?” Jimmy asked, and Grian just shook his head.
“Catch!” He called instead, lobbing the can at Joel’s head and earning a shout of protest as Joel fumbled to catch it.
“You blummin’ dick!” Joel shouted as Grian cackled with laughter. “You could’ve killed me!”
“Aw, come on Joel, it was funny.” Grian said, looking over at Jimmy with a wicked smile. “Right, Tim?”
Jimmy couldn’t help but smile as Joel passed him his can with a grumble. Not even the continued use of the wrong name bothered him. It kind of just felt like a nickname. A friendly thing, not just a teasing one. Jimmy liked it. “Sorry, Joel.”
Joel scoffed at him but didn’t drag it out, just sitting down beside Jimmy and opening his own can, tearing off the tab and throwing it at Grian’s face in retaliation. Grian’s laughter echoed through the woods, and Joel’s followed soon after.
Jimmy couldn’t help but think the sound was kind of pretty.
I guess I talk about you a lot. Kind of hard not to.
That day in the woods was the first of many, Jimmy following the two of them into secluded little spots and watching them paint. He’d even gotten up the courage to do it himself, once. Though he only managed to paint a couple lines before he felt overwhelmed by the thought of committing a crime, it still felt enough like rebellion to satisfy the aching want in his gut.
Jimmy started changing before he even really knew he was. He stopped hanging out with his other friends outside of swim meets and the occasional study session, opting to spend lunch with Joel and Grian instead most days. He started coming home late, and while he always texted his mom about the fact he was going somewhere, he never told her who he was with or where he was going any more. It felt strangely normal, especially because she never asked. Almost like she trusted him enough not to worry. Jimmy found that he only felt a little bad about abusing that trust.
One day when Jimmy hopped into Joel’s truck after school to go with them to get alcohol none of them had any business buying, and that Jimmy still didn’t drink, they surprised him with a leather jacket of his own. Just like theirs, studded and slightly worn and smelling like old tobacco, so Jimmy figured it must have come from some second-hand shop. But it was his, and they thought about him enough as one of theirs that they gave it to him. It was maybe the nicest gift Jimmy had ever received.
That night when he got home and caught a glimpse of himself in his bathroom mirror before taking the jacket off, he was surprised to find he almost didn’t recognize himself. He looked different. Cooler, more rebellious, happier. He liked this version of himself a lot more.
He wore the jacket the first time Joel and Grian took him with them to smuggle beer and cigarettes with some other group of rowdy teens from one of the rival schools. Jimmy had been a little nervous when they told him what the plan was for the day, and Joel made it clear that Jimmy was totally fine to just sit in the car if he didn’t want to come, but Jimmy was trying to be braver lately. And he thought that this was a good enough way of finally stepping into the deep end with them. It was like a right of passage. It felt worthwhile.
Or, it felt worthwhile until they got there and one of the guys they were talking to gave Jimmy one look and seemed to immediately decide they were going to have a problem.
“Who’s the kid?” The guy asked, taking the cigarette from his mouth, and Jimmy couldn’t help but think that there was no way this guy was any older than him. Not if he was still having to get alcohol bought for him by other teenagers. “Is he like your little brother or something?”
“Do you want to chit-chat or do you want to pay me?” Grian snapped with a frightening undercurrent. The person the other guy was with smacked his chest to get him to back off and came forward, pulling a wad of cash from his pocket and handing it over. Grian gave him the case and handed the cash off to Joel, who thumbed through it to count.
“So, you’re what, their new project?” The guy from before said, seemingly taking the little distraction to dig at Jimmy again. “Operation turn a goody-two-shoes into a street rat?”
Jimmy saw Joel’s mouth open to tell the guy to back off again before Jimmy spoke up. He crossed his arms over his chest. “Do you have some kind of problem with me?”
“You don’t belong here, kid, that’s my problem.” The guy bit, and Jimmy felt a little anger rise in his chest. “Go back to your mansion.”
“My mansion? Mate, your shoes don’t have any dirt on them.” Jimmy said, gesturing at the guy’s clean white sneakers. “So did you buy them with drug money, or did daddy finally remember your birthday?”
Jimmy heard Joel let out a low whistle behind him and felt pride when the guy’s cheeks went pink with rage and embarrassment. He took a second to smooth back out enough to snap something back. “Real cute, kid.”
“Aw, you think I’m cute?” Jimmy taunted, and only had the sense to regret it when the guy growled and shot a hand out, grabbing Jimmy’s wrist harshly.
“I’m not fucking gay!” He roared, and Jimmy didn’t have time to process what was going on before he felt something hot press into the skin of his palm. He yanked his hand back with a hiss and heard a shout, feeling someone grab his shoulder and pull him backwards before he watched Joel’s fist slam into the guy’s face.
The hand on his shoulder turned him around and he saw Grian’s face come into view, jaw clenched as he looked over the cigarette burn on Jimmy’s palm. Jimmy could only now feel the pain, and tried his best to blink back the tears forming in his eyes.
“You alright?” Grian asked, and Jimmy nodded, a bit dazed. “What a prick.”
“Is it gonna scar?” Jimmy asked, and Grian frowned in such a way that Jimmy already knew the answer. He couldn’t help the pitiful little noise that slipped from between his lips. His mum was going to be so pissed. “Fuck.”
Grian frowned at him, looking back at where Joel was stalking back towards them. Seemingly, the guys had ran after the first punch. Jimmy wondered if Joel had flashed his switchblade. “What do you look so smug about?”
“Snatched his cigs off him.” Joel said, shaking a little box. “Felt poetic. They’re really nice, too.”
“Toss me one.” Grian asked and Joel obliged, handing Grian one of the cigarettes from the box. Grian put it between his teeth and lit it with the lighter he kept in his pocket, taking one puff before pressing the burning end to the skin of his palm. Jimmy made a noise of protest, and Joel did too.
“Hey, man, what gives?” Joel asked, but Grian ignored him, giving Jimmy a lopsided smile and putting their injured palms beside each other.
“See? Now we match.” Grian said, and Jimmy felt his heart squeeze weirdly as the side of Grian’s hand met his own. “If your mum asks, just tell her I made you.”
“She’ll hate you.” Jimmy said, voice still a little groggy with unshed tears. Grian shrugged.
“‘Bout time.” He grinned.
“G, give me a light.” Joel asked after a second, taking out another cigarette and extending it so Grian could light it for him. He did the same thing as Grian did, taking one savory puff of the cigarette before pressing it to his palm in the same spot as theirs. He extended his own hand, putting it on the other side of Jimmy’s with a huff of laughter. “Look at that, it’s like matching tattoos.”
“But way more metal.” Grian said, and Jimmy couldn’t help the laugh that burst out of him. He felt a bit hysterical looking at his best friends’ hands red and blistering like his, knowing they’d done it just for him. Just so he didn’t feel singled out for the attack. Grian smiled, giving Joel a look. “I don’t know about you fellas, but I need a drink after that.”
“Me too.” Joel said, cracking his neck. He took his hand away, shoving it in his jacket pocket with a wince and starting to walk away. Jimmy followed after him, with Grian just behind. “I think we still have some in the truck.”
Jimmy had his first beer sitting on the hood of Joel’s truck. The condensation stung against the burn mark on his hand. It felt glorious.
Joel too. I got his wedding invite, but I’m not going to go, so don’t worry too much about it.
The summer before Jimmy entered tenth year two major things happened. The first was that he finally hit his growth spurt, leaving him noticeably taller than his two friends which made them both suitably annoyed. The second, Jimmy didn’t learn until months after the fact.
A nice, shining truck stood outside of his house on a random Saturday afternoon and he was momentarily confused when he looked out the window to see it. Even more so when he noticed Grian with his elbow propped on the passenger window. He quickly shrugged on his leather jacket and sent a tiny prayer to whatever god it was that willed it so his parents were both out of the house, knowing how much they hated it when Grian and Joel came around, especially after the whole cigarette burn thing.
“G?” He called, stepping out. “What on Earth?”
“Hey, man, hop in.” Grian said, throwing open the door and sliding into the small middle seat. In the process, Jimmy made out where Joel was sat in the driver’s seat, a pile of trash in the footwell the only sign of himself in the otherwise spotless car. Jimmy did as told, slipping into the passenger seat and closing the door with a little too much heft.
“Jim, you’re gonna damage my new car!” Joel snapped.
“I’m too used to having to slam it.” Jimmy argued back, marveling at the truck as Joel kicked into gear. “When did you get this?”
“A couple weeks ago.” He said flippantly.
“Now that Tim’s here are you gonna say how the hell you paid for it?” Grian asked, and Joel took a turn a little too sharply, leaving Grian bumping into Jimmy. It seemed just a little bit purposeful. Grian only rolled his eyes about it.
“With my job, prick.” Joel said. “I’m making an honest living.”
“You and ‘honest living’ don’t belong in the same sentence.” Jimmy teased and Joel grumbled.
“I miss when you were scared of me.”
“Does the ‘honest living’ you’re making have something to do with why you’re not coming to school?” Grian snarked. It wasn’t until then that Jimmy actually noticed that Joel had been absent all year so far. Jimmy wasn’t used to seeing the two of them at school anyway, never having any classes in common and only ever eating lunch with them in the parking lot, so it wasn’t like he would’ve noticed if Joel was only showing up for that. He must have been, Jimmy realized. He’d missed a few, but he’d still been pretty consistent. Jimmy hadn’t noticed anything.
“I dropped out to pick up more shifts.” Joel said, like it wasn’t a big deal. Jimmy guessed it wasn’t to him. Still, he reeled a bit. If there was one thing Jimmy had held onto, it was how hard he tried with school. Mostly because it seemed like the fact he was still in school was the one thing keeping his mum from fully banning him from talking to Grian and Joel. Something about so long as he didn’t become a drop-out or a criminal, she’d not be totally disappointed. It was a fine agreement.
“You dropped out?” Jimmy asked a bit hesitantly. Joel just nodded, eyes stuck on the road before him. Jimmy threw a glance at Grian who was staring at Joel with what Jimmy registered as thinly veiled discontent. Jimmy cleared his throat. “Where are we going?”
“Bridge.” Grian said, terse. Jimmy nodded silently, digging his fingers into the sides of his jeans as Joel took another tight turn.
When they got to the bridge, Jimmy took it upon himself to dig the spray paint and bottles of beer out of the bed of Joel’s truck. He heaved himself up into it, pulling up the blanket that covered the plastic bags and only pausing momentarily when he noticed a backpack crammed into the corner, practically bursting with how full it was packed. It was weird, mostly because Jimmy couldn’t recall Joel wearing a backpack even when he was in school, let alone one so full. A part of him assumed it was just full of more contraband, but he didn’t exactly have the guts to check in case Joel didn’t want him digging around his things. He snatched up the plastic bags and stood, catching sight of where Joel and Grian were stood a few feet away, whispering at each other.
Jimmy couldn’t see Joel’s face from where he was, but he could see Grian’s. And he looked pissed. It wasn’t exactly an unusual expression on him, but it was weird seeing it aimed at Joel when the two hardly seemed to get that mad with each other even with how often they bickered. Jimmy had the sense to make his dismount from the truck bed purposefully loud so they’d know he was coming nearer.
It seemed to work, given they’d both shut up by the time he got to them. Joel smiled when he came near, patting Jimmy’s shoulder with some strange false chipperness and guiding him down towards the spot Grian was in the process of painting. It was a project Jimmy hadn’t known about until only a week before summer ended, a large mural Grian was spray-painting across the side of the bridge. Jimmy remembered the look on Grian’s face when he finally showed it to Jimmy. The hesitance. He’d never forget the tentative smile that broke out when Jimmy had called it cool. It had made him feel all fuzzy inside.
Strangely enough, it was the closest Jimmy had ever come to the nauseating “butterflies in your stomach” sensation people always talked about. That high sort of nervousness and awe.
They scaled down the side of the hill that sloped to where the bottom of the bridge stood. Jimmy was the last one down, letting Joel and Grian go ahead of him. He hadn’t even reached the bottom before he heard the loud thunk of paint cans against stone. He stopped at the bottom of it and turned to look, staring at where Grian had gone stock still, his hand still holding a phantom bag that’s contents were spilled across the ground at his feet.
Jimmy frowned, following his line of sight and feeling his stomach sink. Someone had sprayed over the mural, a mess of lines and symbols and a word in the middle of it all that made Jimmy feel sick. It had been a while since he’d seen it without the context of adults talking about cigarettes.
“Who would—?” Jimmy asked, cut off by Grian grabbing the bag from where he’d dropped it and chucking it violently at the wall. The paint cans inside clattered and creaked as they slammed into the concrete. Jimmy was sure a couple of them would probably be unusable after that.
“G.” Joel tried. Grian whirled on him.
“Fuck off.” Grian snapped, shoving Joel harshly. Jimmy watched on in shock. “Don’t fucking talk to me.”
“What? This isn’t my fault!” Joel protested. “Grian, I would never—”
“It’s not your fault, but it’s one more fucking thing isn’t it?” Grian growled, getting in Joel’s face aggressively. He shoved him again, like he was trying to get Joel to fight back.
“Grian, calm down.” Joel said, grabbing Grian’s wrists. Grian ripped away from him.
“Don’t you dare tell me to calm down.” Grian grit out, looking about two seconds from punching Joel. Jimmy willed himself to get between them, to do something to deescalate whatever the hell was going on right now, but he just couldn’t get himself to move. He felt frozen in place by the confusion. “Why are you even bloody here, Joel? Why aren’t you off buying fancy trucks and making out with your girlfriend?”
“Girlfriend?” Jimmy asked, perhaps in poor judgement. Joel shot him a glare.
“Stay out of this, Jimmy.” He warned.
“No.” Jimmy said, voice shaking a little bit. “I’m a part of this too. We’re a group, if you two are fighting I’m involved.”
“He said stay out of it.” Grian said lowly, making Jimmy shrink back a little. Jimmy suddenly remembered why Grian always seemed like the scarier one of the two.
“I want to know what’s going on.” Jimmy demanded, even though his every instinct was screaming at him to run.
“Go wait in the truck, Jim.” Joel said, and Jimmy felt his stomach twist. When he didn’t move, Joel whirled on him. “I wasn’t asking.”
Jimmy grit his teeth, tears burning behind his eyes weirdly. Eventually, though, he gave up. He started climbing the side of the hill again, his shoes slipping on the unsteady dirt. He could already hear Joel and Grian going at each other again, keeping their voices low enough he couldn’t hear what they were saying. He made it to the top of the hill and glanced back down at them, only a little relieved to see they weren’t physically fighting each other. He stood there for a while, just watching them, before finally going back to the truck.
He hopped in the bed of it and pulled up the blanket, anger burning in his gut as he unzipped the backpack in the corner. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for, but he wanted to take something, if only just to be petty. He expected to find alcohol or cigarettes or more spray paint cans.
He was surprised to find soaps and a pack of disposable toothbrushes, changes of clothes haphazardly stuffed in the bottom. It looked more like a travel bag than anything else. Like Joel had been fleeing and stuffed everything he could into a backpack within a few minutes.
The realization simmered in Jimmy’s gut when he looked through the back window to see the pillow and blanket hiding in the tiny backseat of the truck’s cab. He tried desperately not to think about it as he kept digging, eventually finding a pack of cigarettes stuffed in the bag. He took it and pocketed it, zipping back up the bag and covering it again.
He got about ten minutes from the truck before he took out the cigarettes and just stared at them for a while. He wasn’t sure what he was thinking. He didn’t even remember to take a lighter.
He sank to the forest floor with the box clutched loosely in his hand and tried to fight back the tears that threatened the corners of his eyes. He didn’t know how long he sat there, just staring at the pack of cigarettes and feeling pathetic before the crunch of boots on twigs and leaves made themselves known.
“You’re smoking?” Joel asked from above him. Jimmy didn’t look up.
“I was thinking about it.” He mumbled dejectedly. He held the box out and Joel took it after a couple seconds, pocketing it and crouching down to sit in front of Jimmy. Jimmy refused to make eye contact. “You’re homeless.”
Joel huffed a disbelieving little laugh. “You figured that out quick. Yeah, my mum kicked me out.”
“I’m sorry.” Jimmy said, and Joel just shrugged.
“I’m making it work.” He said, though his voice was just a little tight around the edges.
“Grian said something about a girlfriend?” Jimmy asked hesitantly and Joel looked like he’d bitten into something sour.
“He’s…” Joel said, pinching his brow and sighing. “Yeah. I have a girlfriend.”
“Is she nice?” Jimmy asked.
“Yeah, Jim. You’d like her. She’s sweet but really awesome, y’know? Punk rock.” Joel said, smiling a little bit. “I met her at my job.”
Jimmy nodded. “Why’s Grian so mad about it?”
“He’s not really mad about that, it’s…” Joel groaned. “It’s complicated, Jimmy. It’s not my place to say.”
“Okay.” Jimmy relented, picking at the dirt under his stubby nails. “Where is he?”
“Taking a walk so he doesn’t punch my tooth out.” Joel said. The joke fell flat, hanging awkwardly in the air between them. Joel grimaced. “He’ll get over it. He’s been pissed at me before, he just needs some time.”
Jimmy nodded, letting the silence sit between them. After a moment, Joel took out one of the cigarettes and lit it. He offered it to Jimmy, but Jimmy didn’t take it. He didn’t know how to smoke anyway.
I’m sorry, Jimmy. For so much.
The summer after Grian graduated secondary and moved onto college, Jimmy started feeling lonely again. Something had shifted, and he wasn’t totally sure what. Maybe it was just that he didn’t see Grian or Joel as often now that Grian was at a different school and Joel was moved in with his girlfriend, Lizzie, but it didn’t seem like that. There was something different with their hangouts, too. At some point it stopped feeling like he was around friends and more like they were all just a bunch of strangers trying not to argue with each other.
There were still moments when he felt that spark. Running from cops or driving around at night in Joel’s truck, but it was dimmer now. He felt like he was back to where he was when he met them. Complacent.
Scott was a ray of light. A new danger. Jimmy fell for him hard and fast before he even realized he was doing it.
Jimmy met Scott one day when he was waiting for Grian outside his college. Scott had been waiting for one of his own friends and for some reason Jimmy still couldn’t quite remember they’d gotten talking. Scott was nice, funny. He teased Jimmy in a way that felt playful, nothing barbed behind his jabs. Scott was also gay and proud about it in a way Jimmy had never known someone to be. He made jokes about it, told stories about boys he’d had crushes on or went out with, seemed unfazed whenever someone tried to use it against him. Jimmy thought it was kind of awesome. Scott didn’t care what anyone thought of him, and it sort of made him invincible. It seemed like he got along with almost everyone. Whenever Jimmy waited outside the college with him, Scott seemed to know all the people who passed by them. It was easy to look at Scott and idolize him, Jimmy found. Not in the way he used to idolize Joel and Grian, either. He didn’t want to be like Scott, he wanted to know him more. He wanted to find a way to break out of the idolization and get to know the guy beneath the tough exterior.
Because Scott was tough. Tougher than anyone Jimmy thought he’d ever met, even Grian and Joel. Scott never got into fights, but Jimmy was pretty sure he was so confident no one thought it was a good idea to start one. He disarmed his opponents without even the flash of a pocket knife.
And maybe he liked it when Scott flirted with him every now and then, even if it always felt like they were just joking. Maybe a part of Jimmy didn’t want it to be a joke any more. Maybe that was why he thought it would be a good idea to introduce Scott to Joel and Grian. Maybe a part of him was looking for their blessing.
“Hey, guys!” Jimmy called, waving Grian and Joel over to him where he and Scott were sitting outside of this little cafe Scott liked near the college. They’d made it a habit of coming here together every once in a while, talking for hours. Jimmy thought it was as good a place as any to introduce everyone. “Grian, Joel, this is Scott. Scott, these are my best friends Grian and Joel.”
“Hi.” Scott waved, a little smile on his face and one hand still wrapped around the base of his coffee cup. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“Oh yeah?” Joel asked, eyeing Scott a little suspiciously. He threw a glance at Jimmy who gave him a challenging little look. “All good things?”
“He told me about all the drugs you smuggle and puppies you kill.” Scott joked, and Jimmy felt a tiny rush of panic at the way Joel’s eyebrows raised slightly.
“I did not.” Jimmy protested, giving Joel and Grian a look that begged they believe him. He seemed to convey it convincingly enough that neither of them actually looked upset with him. Probably something in Scott’s tone that gave away that he really didn’t know the three of them had done anything illegal. “Scott, please.”
“Sorry.” Scott said, not sounding sorry at all. “Do you two want anything?”
“No thanks.” Grian said, eyes stuck on some part of Scott’s bag. Jimmy felt his stomach sink when he managed to find what Grian was looking at, the tiny rainbow pride pin attached to Scott’s messenger bag. It was an innocuous enough detail to notice, and he knew Scott didn’t care who knew he was gay, but something about the look on Grian’s face made Jimmy feel weird.
“Suit yourselves.” Scott said, leaning on a hand. Scott looked between the two of them and then Jimmy. “So is Jimmy the talker of your friend group or what?”
“You could say.” Joel answered vaguely. Jimmy was starting to feel like this was a poor decision on his part. He was sure Scott could get along well with Grian and Joel, if the two of them would get over whatever weird preconceived notions they had stuck in their heads, but it didn’t seem like that’d be happening today.
“I just figured someone would need to be pretty chatty to keep up with him.” Scott said, keeping his tone light even though he had obviously noticed the weirdness given how he kept giving Jimmy looks.
“I’m not that talkative.” Jimmy protested and Scott smiled at him.
“You say that like you didn’t spend the thirty minutes before they got here going on and on about some TV show.” Scott teased and Jimmy couldn’t help the little heat that rose to his face.
“It’s a good show!” Jimmy argued. “And if you’d just watch it I wouldn't need to keep updating you.”
“Hard pass.” Scott smiled. “Seeing you get all pouty every time I say I don’t find it interesting is too cute.”
Jimmy made a noise of protest, deliberately avoiding looking at Grian or Joel’s reactions to that particular statement. Joel coughed awkwardly. “Do you always dye your hair like that?”
“Hm? Oh, yeah.” Scott said, running a hand through his pale blue hair. “I should probably touch it up soon, huh? Why do you ask? Are you looking to color yours?”
Joel gave a weird half-smile, like he was trying to be polite and wasn’t sure how. “No. Just curious.”
“Well if you ever do, you should try green.” Scott said, matter of fact. “Just a streak. It’d look good on you.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Joel said, a bit dismissively.
Conversation went on like that, awkward and stutter-y, stopping and starting only when Scott put in the effort, until finally he got up. He gave a quick excuse about having another commitment with some of his friends and left, telling Jimmy to call him before speeding off. Jimmy thought he noticed Scott place his hand deliberately over the rainbow pin as he collected his bag, but he might’ve just been imagining it. It could’ve just been a coincidence.
“So.” Jimmy started, a bit hesitant as he looked between the two of them.
“He’s nice.” Joel said, curt. Jimmy frowned.
“You don’t like him.” He said, trying to ignore the way his heart squeezed in his chest at the thought. He felt defensiveness rise in him. “Why not?”
“He’s just a bit odd, yeah?” Joel shrugged. He glanced over at Grian weirdly. “Not really our crowd.”
“What, because he’s not a criminal?” Jimmy asked, voice low but still clear enough to make his point. Anger clawed at his throat as he snapped his gaze to Grian. “Or is it because he’s gay?”
“What?” Joel asked, face crinkling in genuine confusion and maybe a little annoyance. “No, Jim, why—”
“He could stand to be a bit less obvious about it.” Grian said tersely and Jimmy felt his stomach drop. Something bitter spread itself over his tongue, formed a pit in his gut. Any butterflies he’d ever felt flittered around in rage. One final flight before they all dropped dead.
“What?” He snapped.
“I said he could be less obvious.” Grian said, looking at Jimmy like he was trying to break into his soul. “He keeps flaunting it like that he’s gonna end up hurt.”
“What the fuck, Grian?” Jimmy said, almost speechless at the callousness. The threat.
“I’m just being honest.” Grian bit at him and Jimmy had to push down the urge to punch him.
“And what would you know?” Jimmy grit out, appalled. Grian raised a challenging eyebrow at him when he stepped closer, getting more in Grian’s face. “What could you possibly gain from saying something like that?”
“Back off, Jimmy.” Grian warned.
“Or what, you’re gonna hit me? Then go ahead and hit me, Grian. Since you’re so tough.” Jimmy challenged, practically spitting. “Scott is twice as strong as you’ll ever be, and you know it.”
Grian’s face screwed up in anger and annoyance. Joel put a hand on his chest, pushing Grian back a bit. “Both of you—”
“Both of us? Joel, do you hear him?” Jimmy said, getting a bit loud. He was lucky the cafe wasn’t particularly busy right now.
“Jimmy.” Joel warned, and Jimmy felt something in him sharpen.
“I can’t believe you’re taking his side.” Jimmy nearly laughed, the hysteria boiling under his skin. He could hardly recognize the two people in front of him. He couldn’t understand how he could ever think they were worth his time if this was the kind of people they were. If they could really get so vile over someone just trying to live.
Joel sighed in frustration. “I’m not—”
“He’s on my side because he knows I’m right.” Grian said, eyes burning. “Don’t hang around people like that, Jimmy.”
“And what if I am ‘people like that’?” Jimmy asked, voice cracking a little. He felt a hot tear burn down his cheek, but didn’t move to wipe it away. He didn’t move at all, just staring Grian down. Silently, a part of Jimmy wanted Grian to react. To get angry or hit him or take it back or just say something. Anything. Admit he was wrong. It would all feel hollow, but Jimmy wanted something. “Hate Scott all you want, but if you hate him then you have to hate me too.”
Grian didn’t react. Didn’t say a word, barely even looked mad. He looked completely devoid of emotion. Jimmy wanted to scream.
“Fuck you.” Jimmy hissed, bumping into Grian purposefully as he stormed his way down the sidewalk. Distantly, he could hear Joel turn on Grian and start pestering him about why he’d do that, why he’d say that, but Jimmy didn’t care. Jimmy didn’t want an explanation. He didn’t want to hear another word from either of them.
When he got home that night he called Scott and broke down about all of it. What Grian had said, how Joel failed to say anything, the admission that Jimmy had spat at them and the fact he really believed it. That it had been a long time coming.
Scott drove to his house and climbed through Jimmy’s window to be there in person. Jimmy hoped he’d stay forever.
I wish I could give you a better explanation than that I was just dealing with a lot, but that’s really all there is. I wish I’d been better at dealing with it. I’ve got a boyfriend now, I’m living with him in America. You’d like him, I think. He’s good for me. I hope you’ve got someone, or that you find them.
Jimmy moved in with Scott as soon as they’d both graduated college and moved to university. They’d had their ups and downs, of course. Jimmy was a little hotheaded some days, and Scott was just a little too prideful to ever lose an argument which made them both a bit cagey for a while until they found a way to healthily work it out. Jimmy also found himself clingier than he knew he could be, desperate for Scott not to leave him and feeling pathetic at how much reassurance he needed sometimes. But overall, things were good. They were happy. Jimmy was surprised by how secure he felt.
It was strange. He never thought contentment could feel so worthwhile. He guessed he just didn’t really understand what it meant to feel content before.
Jimmy came home from a lecture one day to find Scott cooking a bit aggressively. Slamming the cupboards just a little too hard and leaning over the countertop like he was trying to intimidate it. Jimmy stepped up behind him and wrapped his arms around Scott’s waist. Scott melted back into him, letting himself be held. Jimmy hooked his chin over Scott’s shoulder and pressed a light kiss to his neck.
“Did the pepper insult you, petal?” Jimmy teased lightly and Scott huffed a tiny laugh.
“The cayenne.” Scott joked back. After a moment he dropped the act and sighed. “It’s just been a long day.”
“Tell me about it?” Jimmy requested.
“I ran into this guy from secondary.” Scott said, sounding just a tinge bitter. “He was awful to me right up until we graduated. It was like no matter what I did he’d find some way to tear me down. I didn’t think I’d ever have to see him again.”
“I’m sorry. That must’ve been hard.” Jimmy said, gentle. Not prying, but with enough space that Scott could elaborate if there was more.
“That’s the thing, it wasn’t.” Scott said, laying his arms over Jimmy’s. “He came up to me while I was having lunch and all he said was ‘sorry.’ And then he went and sat back at his table with this girl who I think was his fiance. Big ring and all that.”
“Oh.” Jimmy said, holding Scott a little tighter all the same.
“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Scott said, sounding somewhere between resigned and calm. “That the people who hurt us are still people?”
“Yeah.” Jimmy agreed. “It’s weird.”
I hope I didn’t ruin you.
“Look at you.” Joel said, giving Jimmy this big smile.
He looked nice, Jimmy thought. Put together. At some point he’d ditched the leather jacket and ‘bad boy’ aesthetic for something more easygoing, a white tee and jeans. Lizzie had changed since Jimmy had last seen here too, trading the emo look for pastels.
Jimmy hadn’t seen them in years. He wasn’t surprised, per se, to find that they were still together but he was a bit surprised to see how much they’d changed. Joel looked happy, Jimmy realized. He didn’t think he’d really seen him happy before.
“Look at me? You’ve had a whole wardrobe change.” Jimmy said and Joel cracked a smile.
“You have too.” He said.
“I just went back to how I dressed before I met you.” Jimmy shrugged. “You’re like a whole new person.”
“Aging and all that.” Joel waved off, he gave Scott a tight smile. “It’s good seeing you, Scott.”
“You too.” Scott said, the air between them still a bit strange. Jimmy guessed it probably always would be. They’d not had the best first impression.
“I tried the green.” Joel said, like a peace offering.
Scott brightened a bit. “Did you?”
“It was a good shout.” Lizzie said, pulling out her phone and tugging Scott over to look at photos with her. They stayed in their own little world for a while, Scott eventually getting out his own phone to show off photos of himself and Jimmy over the years. Jimmy wasn’t surprised to see they got on well.
Slowly over the course of the hour or so, Jimmy and Joel caught up. Joel had gotten his education sorted after a lot of independent study and was working as an architect now, apparently. He seemed proud of it, and Jimmy couldn’t help but feel a little proud of him too. Jimmy told him about all that he’d done, all the majors and careers he’d cycled through in pursuit of what he wanted before finally deciding on a masters in psychology he’d been awarded two summers ago. Joel gave him a little grin and said it seemed about right.
“You always were the smartest of us three.” Joel commented. “Most sensible, at least.”
“Yeah.” Jimmy said, smiling a little. He felt his heart swerve strangely at the vague mention of Grian. He fiddled with his cup. “Have you heard from him?”
“Not really.” Joel shrugged, looking just as conflicted about it. “Last I heard he met someone a few years back and moved to be with him.”
“With ‘him’?” Jimmy asked. Joel nodded. “Huh.”
“He’s changed a lot.” Joel said, quieter.
“We all have.” Jimmy agreed.
“That part of him was always there, though.” Joel told him. Jimmy nodded. If he thought about it hard enough, he could see it. All the “clues,” for lack of a better word. All the things that seemed odd at the time, the things that Jimmy could’ve thought harder on, the things he’d misunderstood. He guessed it made sense. “There’s a lot we didn’t tell you, Jim.”
“I figured.” Jimmy smiled sadly. A part of him had wondered, throughout the years, if he’d ever really known his best friends at all. For a while it was a thought charged with rage, but at some point it just made him regretful. A small piece of him wished he’d asked more questions, wished he’d tried harder to keep them from drifting apart, but he almost figured it was inevitable. At some point he stopped hoping the worst for these people he never really knew, and he started hoping they were happy. At the very least, he hoped they were content as he was. It seemed like Joel had at least some grasp on that.
“I would change a lot of things if I could go back.” Joel said. “I’m sure he would too.”
“Yeah.” Jimmy said, biting his tongue. “But you can’t.”
“No, I guess not.” Joel agreed. “I’m sorry.”
“Okay.” Jimmy said. And that was that.
When Joel and Lizzie gave them the wedding invite at the end of their little brunch, Scott checked the ‘yes’ on the RSVP without question. Jimmy let him. He might not have ever really known Joel, but maybe someday he could.
Or maybe it was okay for things to just be over.
Jimmy decided he was okay with not being sure.
Hey Grian, it’s Jimmy.