Work Text:
Ilya: Sooooooooo
Ilya: How did it gooooooo
Ilya Are you waking up in a fancy hotel paid for by a Hollywood studio and basking in sapphic bliss having a fancy breakfast in bed?
Ilya: Are you at your house wondering what to make for breakfast to the best part of the worst Fast and Furious movie?
Ilya: Shane thinks she usually has granola and yogurt by the way
Ilya: Are you still at the party because you wanted to kiss each other so bad you couldn't even get to the car?
Ilya: Did you have sex in the back of the limo?
Ilya: Did you have a threesome with Nicole Kidman?
Ilya: Are you married already?
Ilya: Is that why you're not answering?
Ilya: Should I check TMZ?
Svetlana: Good morning.
Svetlana: It is 9am.
Ilya: Plenty of time for lesbians to file for a marriage certificate for all I know
Svetlana: We are not lesbians.
Svetlana: And you guessed only two of those right. Make with that what you will.
Ilya: Did you sleep with Nicole Kidman? You have to tell me if you did, you know how much I wanted to sleep with her after Moulin Rouge
Svetlana: I thought you wanted to sleep with Ewan McGregor
Ilya: Well that too, I am human
Svetlana: I have to go, please stop making my phone blow up with dumb messages.
Ilya: Are you serious?? After all of my efforts to set you two up last night you won't even tell me what happened?
Svetlana: All you did was interrupt me at the worst possible time.
Ilya: And then leave at a very appropriate time
Svetlana: Have a good day, Ilya.
Ilya: You have to tell meeeeeee
Svetlana: Just pretend I am seeing Jane and it is none of your business.
Ilya: Cold
Ilya: But fine I have other sources
Ilya: I can be TMZ too
***
Shane: Good morning! So sorry we had to leave last night, something came up. Did you get home alright?
Shane: I mean the hotel. Or somewhere else, of course. It's none of my business.
Shane: Just checking in!
Rose: Good morning! I'm glad you guys managed to stop by the party last night, thank you for coming. Everything is great ☺️
Shane: Cool! Thank you for inviting us.
Rose: Have a nice flight back home!
Shane: Are you at hotel?
Rose: Why do you ask?
Shane: I think we are at hotel nearby, we could have breakfast together. Unless you already ate. Maybe fancy room service
Rose: Didn't you have an early flight to Ottawa?
Shane: No we are stillinBostoetho
Rose: ???
Shane: Sorry about that. Butt dial.
***
Svetlana: Can you please stop?
Ilya: Stop what?
Svetlana: I thought you were on a flight.
Ilya: We are boarding now. Are you seriously going to make me fly across the continent not knowing what happened between my best friend and Rose Landry?
Svetlana: It's a one hour flight.
Ilya: I will die of curiosity
Svetlana: Gossip with your husband about it like a normal person instead of taking his phone and impersonating him.
Ilya: So you ARE still with her. At her hotel? At your apartment?
Svetlana: Why do you care?
Ilya: Just trying to get a full picture.
Svetlana: What difference does it make where we are?
Ilya: You never take your one night stands home. You always go to their place so you can leave faster if you want
Svetlana: My apartment was just closer to the party
Svetlana: It's no big deal
Ilya: AAAAAAH
***
Rose: How was your flight to Ottawa?
Shane: Good. We're just getting home from practice. Are you still in Boston?
Rose: At the airport, I'm waiting for my flight to LA.
Shane: So how was last night with Svetlana?
Rose: What did Ilya tell you?
Shane: That you guys went over to her place and maybe had a threesome with Nicole Kidman?
Rose: What? lol no, Nicole is super straight
Shane: Well, until last night I thought you were super straight
Rose: Well, surprise!!
Shane: You wanna talk about it?
Rose: I don't know if there is anything to talk about. I was just very attracted to her and she to me, I guess?
Rose: I mean, I know she is bi. Maybe I am too? Although I think it's more about her than women in general.
Shane: Have you ever been with a woman before?
Shane: Wow so weird to be on this side of this conversation
Rose: I know, how the tables have turned
Rose: I have kissed girls before, but it was my first time sleeping with another woman.
Shane: How was it?
Rose: Do you really wanna know?
Shane: I mean I don't need details, but like, did you enjoy it? Was it better than with men?
Rose: Depends on the man, Shane. Definitely better than you
Shane: Uncalled for.
Rose: Well you've met Svetlana and you've met you when you were trying to be straight. This can't be a surprise.
Shane: That’s kind of a low bar, though. Did you like it?
Rose: Yes
Rose: It was fucking amazing
Shane: Oh
Rose: I know. I'm definitely not as straight as I originally thought. But are any of us 100% straight or 100% gay?
Shane: I'm pretty sure I'm 100% gay
Rose: Really? There is not one woman in the world that would make you even consider?
Shane: I mean I tried to date the hottest female movie star I could and it didn't work, so probably no.
Rose: That's cute. But to be fair at the time you were also banging an absolute 10 of a hockey player.
Shane: True
Rose: Seriously, though, aren't these things on a scale?
Rose: I'm pretty sure there is a scale for this.
Rose: The KINSEY scale, that's what I'm thinking of. [link: Kinsey scale | Wikipedia]
Rose: Maybe I'm like a 2 or a 3 in there. What does that make me?
Shane: I think it just makes you bisexual. That's what Ilya always says
Rose: Well I guess I can't put Kinsey 2-3 on my Raya profile.
Shane: You're on Raya?
Rose: God no, not since the first X-Squad. People got way too weird.
Rose: I try to meet people the old fashioned way now. Wait for my gay ex-boyfriend to marry his long time rival and then months later hook up with his bestie.
Shane: And after said hooking up you think you're 20 to 30% gay?
Rose: I don't know. Maybe 20% gay to the rest of the world and like 80% gay for Svetlana
Shane: Alright!!! That adds up to 100%, maybe we're getting somewhere
Rose: I hate math
Shane: Are you going to see her again?
Rose: Maybe? I hope so. I don't know if she would want to
Shane: Why not?
Rose: I don't know!! It's my first time hooking up with a woman and trying to figure out what she wants
Shane: Shouldn't that be easier than with men?
Rose: Why? I actually think men are easier to read
Shane: Then why didn't you read all of your ex-boyfriends as gay?
Rose: Rude
Rose: And I did eventually. If it wasn't for me you would probably still be eating pussy with the enthusiasm of a man with a gun to his head
Shane: I find it hard to believe I would still be doing that even if you hadn't told me I was gay
Rose: You can't even type the words, can you?
Shane: Why should I? I don't ever wanna get near that thing again
Rose: THAT THINGGGG
Rose: Shane that’s offensive
Shane: You talk a lot of game for someone who only started doing that 24 hours ago
Rose: To be fair I have been on the receiving end of it many times
Shane: And I apologize for one and a half of those times
Rose: Don't feel bad, it was not even the worst I've had
Shane: That's depressing. Do you only date men at the very end of the Kinsey scale?
Rose: Fuck off, I mean even straight men sometimes don't know what they're doing
Shane: Really? I thought they'd love it. I mean I love to do it. The gay male version of it, that is
Rose: You can say you love to suck dick, Shane. It is one of the least surprising things about you
Shane: I'm trying to be a gentleman, Rose
Rose: Gentlemen also suck dick. And eat pussy. In fact I'd argue that's what makes them gentlemen.
Shane: Let's get back on track. What was it like besides the amazing sex?
Rose: It was great. We hung out all day at her place until I had to leave to catch my flight.
Shane: After the first night? You're a day in and you're already 80% further along than I was at this point in my own gay relationship, so congratulations.
Rose: God, if I'm still in a situationship even two years from now please kill me.
Shane: Hey it worked out alright
Rose: Plane is taking off, talk to you later!
Shane: Have a good flight
***
Svetlana: Hey, you're probably on your flight right now. Just wanted to tell you I had a lot of fun last night. I would love to meet up again next time you're in Boston or I'm in LA.
Svetlana: Or somewhere else we happen to find ourselves in haha
Svetlana: Anyway. Hope you had a nice flight!
Rose: Hi! Thank you for last night, I really enjoyed it. We should definitely do it again sometime!
Rose: I don't mean thank you like I'm thanking for a gift haha that sounded weird? Just thank you for having me at your place. And for making breakfast.
Rose: That farmer's market granola was amazing. What was it called again? Maybe they deliver to LA?
Rose: God I just realized it's 5am, I just got off the plane and I have no idea what I'm doing. Sorry if this wakes you!!
Svetlana: Good morning! No problem, my phone was on silent. Just woke up.
Svetlana: No need to thank me, I really liked having you over.
Svetlana: How was your flight?
Rose: Endless. No flight entertainment, so I had to actually open a book and stare at the pages until I fell asleep. The way our forefathers used to do.
Svetlana: Did the production company not book you first class? I didn't know Nicole Kidman was so cheap.
Rose: It was first class! The tv was broken, and I felt bad complaining about it.
Svetlana: Well if Rose Landry can't get flight entertainment in this country, these are dark times.
Rose: I will pray for us all.
Svetlana: Granola is called Nature Breed, which is terrible branding.
Rose: Thank you! That is a terrible name. You should give them a call.
Svetlana: Maybe if hockey doesn't work out.
Rose: 😂
***
Svetlana: We are talking about granola.
Ilya: Is that lesbian for something I should know?
Svetlana: No, we are talking about actual breakfast granola, because I have lost all my game. And now the conversation died.
Ilya: So you made her breakfast!
Svetlana: Well yes she woke up in my house, I am not an animal.
Ilya: And she stayed long enough for you to feed her.
Svetlana: She stayed at my place until she had to leave in the evening to get her flight. We also ordered lunch.
Ilya: You guys hung out the entire day?? You already skipped ahead to like the 80% mark in my relationship
Svetlana: If I'm ever in a relationship that resembles the beginning of yours in any way you are legally obligated to kill me. I'll send you a contract.
Ilya: Hey, it worked out great in the end. And funny seeing you willingly bring up the word relationship.
Ilya: What did you do all day?
Svetlana: Do you want a detailed list of activities?
Ilya: That would be great, thank you. Send a voice note if it's faster.
Svetlana: 🖕
Ilya: Ok, just give me an overview. 50% sex 50% talking about your feelings? 60-40%? 20-80%?
Svetlana: Please don't make me do math this early in the morning.
Svetlana: We had sex yes, and we talked and we watched TV
Ilya: What did you watch?
Svetlana: Dancing with the stars
Ilya: Boring
Svetlana: It's what was on. Is that really what you wanna focus on right now?
Ilya: How was the sex?
Svetlana: Good.
Ilya: Just good?
Svetlana: Really, really good.
Ilya: And how was the talking?
Svetlana: Also good. She's fun and easy to be around. Which is a lot for someone who casually drops the name Viola Davis in the middle of a conversation about grocery shopping.
Ilya: So you just talked about Viola Davis and granola all day?
Svetlana: We talked about a lot of things. But we only spoke very briefly about her sexuality, and I'm still not sure if she's queer or if this was just… a straight girl that got curious after drinking.
Ilya: Ah so you spent last night and the entire day drinking? Impressive
Svetlana: Of course we didn’t.
Ilya: So maybe you make her curious when she is sober too. Which would make her not straight. Just technically speaking.
Svetlana: I guess. It just seems complicated.
Ilya: Things that matter usually are.
Svetlana: Are you a poet now?
Ilya: Just speaking from experience.
Ilya: Are you going to see her again?
Svetlana: Maybe. I would like to. She said she would also like to, but it could be her just trying to be nice.
Ilya: Isn’t she talking to you about granola?
Svetlana: Yes.
Ilya: If she didn't want to see you again, she wouldn't be making conversation about random shit like granola. She would have said “last night was great” and then fucked off.
Ilya: You should know, that used to be your signature move.
Svetlana: Fuck off.
Ilya: 😜😜
***
Rose: They do deliver in LA!
[screenshot]
Svetlana: A win for all LA granola heads 🙏🏽
Rose: I was really in need of a win after that terrible flight.
Rose: Hope the raiders are treating you better than Delta treated me.
Svetlana: That's a low bar. But I've only had two sponsored content emergencies so far which means it's a good day.
Rose: What kind of emergency?
Svetlana: Players love to post photos drinking the competitors of our team's exclusive brand deals. I know it's a good day when I wake up to at least five calls from Smirnoff.
Rose: Sounds like you could have used a nice six hour flight in complete silence, actually
Svetlana: At least Ilya is not on the team anymore, he wouldn't be caught dead holding a Smirnoff.
Svetlana: I agree it's embarrassing, but it's not my fault they pay well.
Svetlana: Are you doing a lot of promotional stuff for your show already?
Rose: We start in a couple of days. I got some press junket interviews and youtube stuff lined up.
Svetlana: What kind of stuff?
Rose: Eating spicy chicken and going on podcasts, that sort of thing. I think they'll have me do that part and send Nicole on the late night circuit. She wouldn't be caught dead eating chicken wings.
Svetlana: Nicole as in Kidman, right?
Rose: Sorry, that's obnoxious, isn't it?
Svetlana: Not at all. I can play that game too. Just ran into Victor St-Simon on the hallway
Rose: Oh Raider alternate captain, aren't you fancy?
Svetlana: Did you have to google that?
Rose: I think I recognized the name, but I wasn't sure! He's hot.
Svetlana: He is very dumb. But sweet. And married.
Rose: I'm not really looking, but noted.
Svetlana: Not looking, then?
Rose: I mean, not right now.
Svetlana: Any other cool celebrities you wanna name drop?
Rose: Well, I'm texting with a really cool woman who works for the Boston Raiders. She's a total nepo baby, but she's great.
Svetlana: I'm not a nepo baby!
Rose: Uh I think you are. Father was a goalie, now your job is making goalies drink shit vodka…
Svetlana: I think it would only count as nepo baby if I also played hockey.
Rose: Hey, don't feel bad about it. Some of my best friends are nepos
***
Svetlana: Hey there
Svetlana: Can I ask you something?
Svetlana: What's Rose's deal?
Shane: Like a business deal?
Svetlana: Like dating-wise. Was she in a relationship recently? Is she not the relationship type? We didn't get into that the other day
Shane: Hmm I know she had a lot of gay boyfriends.
Svetlana: I know that
Shane: I think she has been focusing on work lately, she hasn't mentioned a guy in a while.
Shane: Or a girl
Shane: I mean woman
Svetlana: Relax Shane, I'm just wondering if she is more of a relationship type, or more of the keeping it casual type
Shane: I'm guessing probably the first one
Shane: Why do you ask?
Svetlana: I'm just trying to get a grasp on the whole thing. I'm not used to hooking up with a huge movie star.
Shane: I mean, she's pretty down to earth, right? But if you're not careful you'll be all over social media soon.
Svetlana: That would be complicated.
Shane: I guess she would try to be more careful about it if it's with a woman.
Svetlana: Did she talk to you about me?
Shane: Yes... But it would be weird telling you about it
Svetlana: Of course, I wouldn't ask you to. Just wondering.
Shane: I'll just say, I think she is wondering too. About you.
Svetlana: Wondering how?
Shane: Maybe you should talk to each other?
Svetlana: We are. I'm just not sure yet if she is interested in that way. I don't even know if she's actually queer.
Shane: I think I should stop having this conversation or I might violate someone's privacy.
Svetlana: Oh god you are too correct about things. Can you please discuss this with your husband so I can get it out of him later? It would be much faster.
Shane: I've been trying really hard not to!!
***
Shane: You should talk to Svetlana.
Rose: I am talking to her.
Shane: About what?
Rose: Granola and eating spicy chicken on youtube
Shane: So just extremely random shit?
Rose: Hm, yeah? We're getting to know each other. I'm trying to get a hold of how she feels about me.
Shane: I guess that's something you could do.
Rose: I feel really bad for your past self
Shane: Hey it worked out alright
Rose: But since I have you, do you know what's her deal, like, relationship wise?
Shane: What do you mean?
Rose: Like is she the relationship type, or more into casual stuff? She didn't mention an ex when we were together but maybe she is just private.
***
Shane: Am I allowed to tell Rose that Svetlana asked me something if they are literally asking me the same question?
Ilya: How come they are talking to you about this? Of all people???
Ilya: You ran away from my house just because I gave you food once and we had been fucking for six years
Shane: Oh like you're so much better at this, Mr. let me ask him about getting serious by casually saying I could marry my female best friend
Ilya: Hey worked out alright in the end
Shane: But what do I do?? They are both asking me if the other is the relationship type.
Shane: Meanwhile they are just texting each other about random shit like breakfast and youtube videos
Ilya: After hooking up once? Crazy
Shane: That's what I said.
Shane: What would you have done if I had sent you a cat video after we first hooked up?
Ilya: Probably block you and never text you again. It would never have worked out between us. I prefer dog person
Shane: I still think you would love a cat if we got one. Anya would too
Ilya: Anya would feel betrayed.
***
Rose: Hmmm hello? Did you leave me on read to go fuck your husband again?
Shane: Sorry. I'm at the gym.
***
Shane: But what do I tell Rose?
Ilya: Sveta is not the relationship type. But I almost never see her like this
Shane: Like this how?
Ilya: Like she seems to actually like Rose. Maybe she could be relationship type for her
Shane: God what am I supposed to do with this information???
Shane: Is it violating someone's privacy to screenshot and send it to her?
Ilya: Try to be cool about it for once in your life Hollander
***
Shane: I don't know Svetlana that well, but I don't think she is the relationship type.
Rose: Oh
Shane: Is that a bad thing?
Rose: No. I don't know.
Shane: Do you want to be in a relationship with her?
Rose: We hooked up once, Shane.
Shane: Yeah but you seem to be thinking about it, or you wouldn't have asked me that, would you?
Shane: For the record I think she likes you too
Rose: This is just what people do when they are trying to date, Shane. They try to see where the other one stands
Shane: I like my way better
Rose: Yeah maybe I can wait five years and then ask her to dinner
***
Ilya: Did they not teach you to communicate at communications school?
Svetlana: I have a marketing degree. What now?
Ilya: You keep talking to my husband about Rose and Rose keeps talking to my husband about you instead of talking to each other or talking to me who am much better at handling this sort of thing
Svetlana: So you're just jealous no one wants the opinion of Boston's number one fuckboy from the 2010s
Ilya: Wouldn't that make me very experienced about this?
Svetlana: Yeah if I wanted advice on how to fuck her once and then ghost her because she gave the slightest indication of having human feelings, then I would definitely talk to you
Ilya: You both seem to be wondering about each other's willingness to be in relationships
Svetlana: Interesting
Ilya: See how much better I am at these things?
Svetlana: You seem to be passing along information from your husband
Ilya: You're the one who needs it. I thought women were supposed to be better at talking to each other about this shit.
Svetlana: That's sexist, actually.
Ilya: How is that sexist? It's a compliment
Svetlana: I will not elaborate
Ilya: You always do this
***
Shane: Were we also this annoying?
Ilya: Probably but I didn't really talk to anyone about it
Ilya: Just pushed everything inside and hoped it wouldn't kill me then took it out on you on the ice
Shane: I mean yeah
Shane: How hard can that be
Shane: I thought women were supposed to be better at this stuff too
Ilya: I thought the same but Sveta told me that is sexist
Shane: How is that sexist? You're saying women are better
Ilya: I'm starting to think that is just something she says when she wants me to shut up
Shane: That's a nice trick, I should try it sometime
***
Svetlana: I know we went over this but just to be sure, do I need to dry clean the dress before sending it back? I am terrified of someone doing something wrong.
Svetlana: Thank you so much for lending it to me, by the way. It was a killer dress.
Rose: No problem. You looked amazing in it. And don't worry, they can wash it. They got special people for it
Svetlana: Thank god. I would hate to be responsible for ruining it more that I already have
Rose: I think that all of the wrinkling was probably my fault. Same with the broken zipper.
Rose: But I think they can fix that quick, it's a fairly common occurrence in fancy dresses no one ever considers will be worn by actual human women
Svetlana: I did learn that when I tried unzipping your Chanel. Although being in the back of the limo didn't help
Rose: Well I like a challenge
Svetlana: You like the back of a limousine, Rose Landry.
Rose: That too 🤭
Rose: And very hot women killing it in the latest Alexander McQueen spring collection, apparently
Svetlana: You have good taste.
Rose: For everything but scripts lol
Svetlana: Maybe you should fire your agent
Rose: I probably should. There is no world in which she should think it's ok to send me the script to the new Taken movie after I explicitly told her I do not want to be involved in any more kidnappings onscreen.
***
Ilya: You should send her this: [link: Fluffy the cat kidnapped by adorable dog | YouTube]
Svetlana: Why would I send her a video of a cat getting kidnapped by a dog?
Ilya: Aren't you sending each other youtube videos? Could be good to make conversation. She is always getting kidnapped in her movies
Svetlana: We're not sending each other youtube videos. We were talking about the videos she will have to do to promote her series
Svetlana: Should I be worried about this weird game of telephone?
Ilya: It's still a nice video. If you're a cat person
Svetlana: Our conversation hasn't reached rock bottom yet as to require I send her silly cat videos.
Svetlana: And I don't understand why you keep pretending you don't like cats. You loved Ivan Ilyich
Ilya: Your cat was the exception that proved the rule. He was the only good cat
Svetlana: You're just afraid Shane will convince you to get a cat
Ilya: We can't get a cat. We are on the road a lot, and we wouldn't be able to leave a cat at the hotel with Anya
Svetlana: You seem to have thought about this.
Ilya: I thought of surprising him on his last birthday. He's very hard to shop for.
Svetlana: You could get a catsitter
Ilya: Maybe. But it would be weird having a stranger in the house so often
Svetlana: Ask those nice neighbor kids of yours, I'm sure they would like some extra money to help the two top players from their team.
Ilya: Sveta!!! You are a genius
Svetlana: I know.
***
Ilya: [photo]
Shane: Why are you sending me a photo of a cat?
Ilya: She is a good cat, yes? Harris’ friend said she needs home.
Shane: Wait, you want to adopt a cat?
Shane: Who is this? If you want ransom for this phone, you will not be getting it
Ilya: She would not be able to stay at hotel with Anya, but we could ask Willa and Andrew to catsit when we are on the road. They love cats.
Shane: Are you seriously saying you want us to adopt a cat? After all the shit about cats being beautiful angels of death?
Ilya: But look at her face! This one is a good cat
Shane: Ok, don't do anything harsh. We need to discuss this properly
Ilya: I am just texting with her foster parent
Shane: Please put the phone down. I am almost home
***
Shane: Did you tell Ilya we should get a cat?
Svetlana: You're welcome.
Shane: I don't know if this is the best course of action, it's the middle of the season.
Svetlana: Then wait for the season to end.
Shane: Now he's got the idea in his head, you know how he gets. He already found a cat. And bought her a little skirt that matches Anya's clothes.
Svetlana: Sorry. But don't you have a stretch of home games now? Could be a good time to get the cat acclimated
Shane: You are both impossible.
***
[Ilya created the group chat People who have seen each other naked]
[Ilya added Shane, Svetlana, Rose to the group]
Ilya: [photo]
Ilya: Meet little Jane!!!
Svetlana: Excuse me
Rose: Oh my god
Shane: We are not calling her Jane!!
Shane: What is this group name?
Ilya: Just factual description
Rose: Uh Ilya, we have never seen each other naked?
Rose: That cat is adorable, though!!!!! 😍😍😍😍 Did you adopt it?
Ilya: I have watched The President's Secretary
Rose: Oh my god, I thought that movie was buried when Warner passed on it.
Ilya: Very big on Russian cable television
Svetlana: Unfortunately, that is true. It's not a good movie. You do look great in it!
Rose: I need to call my agent
Rose: But I have never seen you naked, Ilya
Ilya: We can easily fix that. Shane, send her pictures
Shane: Can we go back to Mina, please?
Shane: And Svetlana and I have never seen each other naked either?? I don't see how this group name works in any capacity.
Svetlana: You've done so many Calvin Klein ads, I kind of feel like I have.
Rose: 😂😂😂
[Shane changed the group name to IRSS]
Ilya: What the fuck is this name
Shane: Ilya, Rose, Shane and Svetlana. Alphabetical
Ilya: Sounds like tax code or sex disease
Svetlana: I gotta agree with that.
Rose: Wait, what's the cat's name again?
Ilya: Jane
Shane: Mina
Ilya: She has the face of Jane
Shane: No she doesn't. I told you it is weird naming her that.
Svetlana: Isn't that the fake name you had for Shane?
Shane: Yes. He used to sext that name all of the time. It’s weird.
Rose: I can see your point
Ilya: But look at Jane when she is angry. Who does she remind you of 😾😾😾
Ilya: [photo]
Svetlana: Oh that is adorable
Svetlana: I will kill for Jane
Rose: Awwwwww Jane is the sweetest
Rose: Maybe you can call her Shannon? Or Holly!
Svetlana: How are Anya and Jane getting along?
Ilya: They love each other. They are family
Shane: Her name is Mina!!! That's a much better name
Ilya: No. She is Jane
Rose: Maybe you can call her Jina or something in between
[Ilya changed the group name to Gays & Lesbians]
Svetlana: Hm. I am not a lesbian.
Rose: Yeah I don't think I am one either
Svetlana: Also you're not gay
Ilya: Fine
[Ilya changed the group name to 3 Cool Bisexuals & 1 Super Gay Man]
Shane: Why am I the only one who is super anything? And not cool?
Ilya: God you are all so hard to please
[Ilya changed the group name to 3B1G]
Ilya: Last chance, either offer something better or we go back to Shane's tax code
Shane: I think this also looks like tax code. But fine, at least it's discreet
Svetlana: Sure
Rose: Yeah I guess that's accurate
***
Ilya: You're welcome.
Svetlana: You are a menace.
Ilya: 😈
***
Rose: I might regret this
Ilya: Do you want naked photo? We should ask Shane permission first
Rose: No! I want advice
Rose: I will be in Boston next week and I was thinking of asking Svetlana out on a date
Ilya: Ah. You should
Rose: Here's the thing, I'm a little concerned about the queer Russian part of it all? I will try to be very discreet and take her somewhere private, but there is always a chance someone might leak a photo or something
Ilya: Wouldn't people just assume you are friends?
Rose: Maybe. Probably. But still.
Rose: I could just ask her to come over to the hotel, of course, or we could go to her apartment again, but I kind of wanted to go out on a proper date.
Rose: I just don't want to make anything harder for her
Ilya: That is very thoughtful
Rose: She told me she gets along with her mother who is in the US, but that her father is kind of old-fashioned. And I know she goes back to Russia a lot
Ilya: Yes I don't think she is out to her parents. But she has not had much reason to be.
Rose: What do you mean?
Ilya: I mean she hasn't had serious girlfriend yet, so I don't know how she would handle it. You should talk to her about this
Rose: I see. I might be getting way ahead of myself. It's just a date. And it's not like I want to out myself either, we can just pretend we're friends hanging out if anyone sees us.
Ilya: You better work on your friendship face. At that party anyone could have seen that you two wanted to fuck each other
Rose: Anyone but your husband.
Ilya: He doesn't count. Took him seven years of us being the worst fuck buddies in the world for him to notice I wanted to spend rest of my life fucking only him
Rose: You're one to talk!!
Rose: But also how did you manage to make that ridiculous sentence sound sweet as hell
Ilya: 😇
***
Rose: Hi! Chicken Shop Date wants to fly me to Boston next week so we can record their interview at some fancy Boston restaurant that is willing to pay for promotion
Svetlana: Sounds like good marketing moves from everyone involved.
Rose: Right? And I will be in Boston for a couple of days. Maybe we could see each other?
Svetlana: I would like that.
Svetlana: Even if you are technically coming to Boston for a date with another woman.
Rose: LOL I didn't even think of that. Amelia is super straight
Svetlana: So when will you be here?
Rose: I arrive on the 20th and I fly back early on the 23th. I'll be shooting late on the first day, but I'm free in the evening on the 21th.
Svetlana: Should I come up with the perfect Boston second date for us?
Rose: Technically wouldn't this be our first real date?
Svetlana: What do you call asking me out to a fancy party, getting me a dress and then letting me finger you in the back of a limo, Rose?
Rose: A tuesday in Hollywood?
Rose: Haha
Svetlana: 😂
***
Rose: I think I fucked up
Shane: Why?
Rose: I asked Svetlana on a date when I'm in Boston next week and she said she was going to plan us a great Boston date but then I had to make a stupid joke about how our night together was just another tuesday in Hollywood, and the conversation kind of died
Shane: I don't know if I'm following
Rose: Oh god
[Rose added Ilya to the chat]
Shane: I would have gotten there eventually if you had just explained it better!
Ilya: I was reading texts over his shoulder. How did Sveta respond?
Rose: She took forever and then she sent a sole laughing emoji
Shane: I don't see the issue here, didn't you ask her on a date already? And she said yes?
Rose: I just don't want her to think what we had didn't mean anything. It meant a lot to me.
Shane: Then tell her that?
Rose: Shane I can't just tell her that
Shane: Why not?
Rose: Sorry, how long did it take you to say anything remotely close to that to Ilya???
Shane: You're the one always giving me shit for that!!
Ilya: I am telling him he shouldn't sound so dumb in front of our coolest friend
Ilya: Now he looks like angry Jane 😾😾😾
Shane: Her name is Mina
Ilya: Is Jane
Shane: Mina
Ilya: She is coming over because she is answering to me calling her Jane
Shane: No, she is coming over because she is hearing me call her Mina
Rose: Can we please get back to the issue at hand here? And are you two sitting next to each other yelling that cat's name while texting about it?
Shane: Yes
Ilya: Yes. And she is answering to Jane
Shane: I'm just saying, it's not like you two are big rivals and you could never be together so you need to pretend you don't care for each other when you clearly do. Maybe just be honest???
Rose: I'm afraid to scare her off! You all keep telling me she is not the relationship type. I can’t pull a Uhaul on her already
Shane: What is that?
Rose: Ilya can you please educate your gay husband
Ilya: Sorry he is very embarrassing at gay sometimes
Ilya: Oh there he is again 😾😾😾
Rose: Besides. It's not as complicated as you two but it's also not as simple as if I were dating a man. Coming out would be a big deal to me, professionally. I probably would have to talk to my family first. And Svetlana has Russia to consider, she is very discreet about being bi. If we really wanted to do this, I can't offer her discreet. My life is anything but.
Rose: Hello??? Are you two discussing this in person without me??
Shane: It's a lot to consider, we're just workshopping responses
Rose: Can you do that while typing please?
Shane: Do you really think it would be bad for your career if you came out as bi or queer?
Rose: I don't know. Maybe not, but I would definitely need to consider a lot of things and strategize before taking any steps.
Shane: Make sure not to kiss on the backyard of any of your friends who are doing Fanmail
Rose: Please Shane I don't have friends who do Fanmail
Shane: Ilya wants to screenshot this and send to Hayden
Rose: Please leave him out of this. And I'm kidding, everyone is doing Fanmail now. I'm just trying to keep my career so I don't have to as well.
Shane: I bet you could make big bucks on Fanmail
Rose: I would rather die.
Ilya: I think the fact that you two have to consider how to do this publicly is good thing
Rose: What do you mean?
Ilya: I mean you can think about this stuff together. But maybe one step at a time
Ilya: Just take her on a date, be careful not to make it too public, wait to kiss in private, and maybe discuss all of this in person
Rose: That is actually good advice.
Shane: We came up with it together
Ilya: No we didn’t
***
Svetlana: [link: Fluffy the cat kidnapped by adorable dog | YouTube]
Svetlana: Kind of looks like Jane/Mina?
Rose: That is the cutest thing!! That cat is so mad at being kidnapped 😭😭
Svetlana: Sounds like someone I know
Rose: Those days are behind me. Now I am the one doing the kidnapping
Svetlana: Thought you were done with anything related to kidnappings onscreen?
Rose: I was until I read the script for the new Taken movie, and it's actually not terrible? I would play a mob wife who you find out in the end is the one in charge of the entire secret chinchilla fur ring.
Svetlana: Right. Do you maybe wanna read that sentence again?
Rose: Ok. Maybe I need to fire myself and not my agent
***
Rose: How about this restaurant, have you ever been? It comes highly recommended [link: Nikita | Google Maps]
Svetlana: Recommended by whom?
Rose: Just a friend
Svetlana: What's their name?
Rose: Ben
Svetlana: What's your pal Ben's last name?
Rose: Affleck
Rose: I just wanted some insider Boston recs!!
Svetlana: Of course you did.
Rose: I know I sound insufferable
Svetlana: I wasn't kidding when I said I love hearing you name drop celebrities, please never stop
Rose: In that case wait til you see the bakery my friend Matt suggested we could go to for dessert
Svetlana: I thought I would be planning our perfect Boston date though?
Rose: Oh are you? I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to trouble you.
Svetlana: I mean I could. I've been thinking of some places. Though they might not be the kind of place Ben Affleck hangs out in.
Rose: I would love to go somewhere you know and like. But it's more about how discreet the places are. Things can get weird quickly if it's somewhere paparazzi have access to. Or if it's too visible and another client might take a photo of us. I know it's annoying, but I kind of always need to think about this sort of stuff.
Svetlana: I understand. I've been trying to think of private spots, but maybe we have different definitions of private.
Rose: If you want to send over ideas I can ask my assistant to take a look.
Svetlana: Ok now you sound insufferable
Rose: I'm sorry!! 😭😭
Svetlana: Don't worry about it, I'll think of something and let you know.
***
Svetlana: What's the name of that fancy restaurant where the players go on dates they're trying to keep on the down low?
Ilya: You wanna take Rose Landry to the sidepiece bistrot?
Svetlana: Jesus. And sometimes I wonder why I haven't hooked up with any of the guys since I started working here.
Svetlana: How do you know it's for Rose?
Ilya: She may have mentioned you guys are going on a date soon
Svetlana: She'll be in Boston by the end of next week. I said I would plan a perfect date but I didn't realize most places I'm used to are not private enough for an A-lister trying not to be seen on her first bisexual date.
Ilya: Is that an issue?
Svetlana: Yes, I don't know much about restaurant security.
Ilya: I mean the keeping it a secret thing. I would assume you also wouldn't want the attention.
Svetlana: I don't. You know I couldn't be out with a woman. Or I would at least need to think about how to go about it properly.
Ilya: Seems like you might be on the same page about this then.
Svetlana: Did you speak to her about this?
Ilya: She just asked for my advice on how to handle it, because of Russia. And because she may attract attention, even if unwillingly.
Svetlana: Yeah, I guess. What did she say?
Ilya: You should probably talk to her about this. But I thought it was thoughtful of her. Not everyone would have considered it.
Svetlana: I guess you're right.
Svetlana: Last Christmas mom actually asked me about it.
Ilya: What did she say?
Svetlana: I think she always assumed we would end up together, so when you were suddenly married to a man, her obvious conclusion was that I was a lesbian.
Ilya: How did Patricia react to learning bisexuality exists?
Svetlana: I think it broke her brain to learn that you of all people like dick, so I didn't get to the part where I also like pussy.
Svetlana: She thinks Shane is a doll, though.
Ilya: She sent me a nice message when we got married.
Svetlana: I hope my father didn't send you anything. Or if he did, you didn't drink it. ☠️
Ilya: No, I haven't heard from the Kremlin yet. Did he say anything to you?
Svetlana: You know Russian men. Prefer to keep it all bottled up and hope it doesn't kill them instead of actually having a conversation.
Ilya: That checks out.
Ilya: If you and Rose get serious it wouldn't be crazy to keep it a secret for a while. I guess lots of Hollywood people do that, and you could try to ease Patricia and Sergei into it.
Svetlana: I think you might be getting ahead of yourself. We're just going on a date.
Ilya: I happen to remember you telling me to fuck off many times whenever I even suggested you could get serious about anyone. So forgive me for thinking this time might be different when you've been talking about the same woman for days and using the word relationship over and over.
Svetlana: Shut up. You're being sexist.
Ilya: How????
***
Svetlana: Was it worth it?
Ilya: What?
Svetlana: Keeping you and Shane a secret for all of those years. Leaving Russia for good. Letting everyone actually.. I don't know, see who you really are.
Ilya: It was scary, and it almost killed me. We probably could have handled it a lot better. But yes. What we have is worth everything.
Svetlana: You would do it again?
Ilya: In a heartbeat.
Ilya: Maybe try to improve on our script, though. Save yourself some trouble.
Svetlana: Please. I am not an idiot like you two.
***
Svetlana: Does Rose like Thai food?
Shane: I think so.
Shane: She can't do spicy though.
Svetlana: Really? I think she's going on Hot Ones next week.
Shane: Oh she will die
***
Svetlana: [link: Nam Thai | Google Maps]
Svetlana: I love this place, and it's owned by a friend of mine. He can make sure we enter and leave through the kitchen and sit at a private booth in the back. He also told me it's usually pretty quiet on Wednesdays.
Svetlana: I've sent you his number, if your assistant wants to talk to him. You seem to have a checklist for this sort of thing.
Rose: I do lol
Rose: But this seems perfect, actually. Thank you.
Svetlana: Might be hard to top that perfect first date in which I got to wear a ridiculously gorgeous dress and meet Nicole Kidman.
Rose: I actually think the most special part came after. And I'm sure you will look gorgeous in whatever you wear.
Rose: But if you want I can ask my pal Ben to join us
Svetlana: Only if he brings JLo
Rose: I would actually die, that's a name I have never been able to drop.
Rose: Their menu looks delicious!
Svetlana: They have plenty of non-spicy options too
Rose: I can do spicy food! Who slandered me saying I couldn't?
Svetlana: Your ex-boyfriend.
Rose: Traitor
***
Rose: I cannot do spicy food.
Svetlana: How was Hot Ones?
Rose: I might need to disappear from the face of the earth after this airs next week. Join a witness protection program.
Svetlana: Can't be that bad
Rose: [photo]
Svetlana: Wow that's a lot of crying
Rose: It was the second sauce!!! I had four more!!
Svetlana: You should try my mother's Trini jerk chicken one of these days.
Rose: Sounds like a wonderful way to die!
Rose: After this airs I'll probably need to survive selling Fanmail videos to my creepy straight male fans. I will understand if you want to cancel our date and save yourself.
Svetlana: Don't worry, it could be worse.
Svetlana: [photo]
Rose: Oh my god what is Ilya eating?
Svetlana: My mother's jerk chicken 🌶️🌶️🌶️
Rose: I love this so much.
***
[3B1G group chat]
[Rose changed the group name to Jerk chicken eating contest 🌶🌶🌶]
[Rose changed the group photo]
Ilya: What is going on
Shane: 😂😂😂
Shane: I got a good one too.
Shane: [photo]
Rose: What's that from?
Shane: He lost a game to me at our team's barbecue and had to eat that entire plate.
Svetlana: That chicken looks delicious though, who made it?
Shane: Zane Boodram. I couldn't touch it, it was insanely hot.
Svetlana: Respect. They should promote him to captain.
Ilya: I am surrounded by traitors.
Rose: Check your youtube feed in a few days and you will feel better.
***
Rose: [photo]
Svetlana: Dunkin coffee? You should fire your assistant too.
Rose: Just appreciating the local cuisine. And I think Chicken Shop Date is kind of on a budget.
Svetlana: Don't flirt too much or I might get jealous
Rose: Don't worry I'll save my flirting game for tomorrow 😉
Svetlana: ☺️
***
Rose: I had no idea there were so many ways to eat chicken.
Svetlana: You're still shooting that?
Rose: We JUST finished. And somehow I am still hungry
Svetlana: At least that wasn't so late.
Rose: It's 10pm! How late do you usually go eating fried chicken and talking about the importance of telling women's stories on television?
Svetlana: I can go all night baby
Svetlana: I work through a lot of hockey games. I just left the rink and I'm starving too
Rose: I could send you three buckets of chicken if I could stomach handing them to a delivery person. I might go vegetarian after this week
Svetlana: I'm kind of dying to get home and order pasta from this Italian place near my building.
Rose: That sounds delicious
Svetlana: Do you wanna come over?
Rose: You wanna move up our date?
Svetlana: Or you know, we could just have two dates. Who knows when we'll be in the same city again with you going on your national chicken-eating tour.
Rose: I have been dying for some of that terribly named granola.
Svetlana: Lucky for you I just bought a fresh batch this morning at the farmer's market.
Rose: Expecting company?
Svetlana: More like hoping for it.
Rose: I could be there in 20.
Svetlana: I'll be waiting.
***
[Jerk chicken eating contest 🌶🌶🌶 group chat]
Svetlana: [photo]
Svetlana: Someone decided to try green curry.
Rose: There were just two little peppers on the menu!! This is false advertisement!
Shane: You cannot do two peppers, Rose, we went over this.
Ilya: I have green curry all the time
Shane: No you don't, we always order the mild version.
Ilya: Is still green
Rose: [photo]
Rose: Miss jerk chicken over here couldn't handle it either
Svetlana: This is insane. I will speak to my friend about this.
Ilya: Can you send one with the two of you crying together so we can update group photo
Svetlana: No
Rose: No
Rose: [photo]
Ilya: You look beautiful now, where is the fun in that
Shane: You look great together
Svetlana: ❤️
***
[Jerk chicken eating contest 🌶🌶🌶 group chat]
[Ilya changed the group photo]
Ilya: I do feel better. Thank Mr. Hot Ones for me.
Rose: Happy to help.
THE END