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The bed was warm when Lukey woke up, his boyfriend trapping his body underneath him. Pangi’s lips were brushing against his cheek with each snore, his little noises by Lukey’s ear waking him up further. Their chests were flat against the other’s, the exposed skin on Lukey’s stomach being covered by Pangi’s hand. Every inch of his body was burning, a soft blanket rubbing against his fingers. It was peaceful. It was domestic. It was perfect.
Lukey squinted his eyes, sour saliva pooling in his mouth before forcefully swallowing it down. The sun peeked through the strands of Pangi’s hair, golden, warm. Squeezing his eyes closed, he took a stuttering breath, letting his chest lift his boyfriend up then down. An unsettling tingle rippled through his body, through his skin, to his back. It was fast, violent. Blinking over at Pangi, his soft eyelashes resting beautifully, Lukey tried to take a breath.
His brain was foggy, the haze of the morning failing to keep him low, small. Puffs of air fanned his boyfriend's hair, falling delicately over his eyes. Lukey watched silently, a dull ache beneath his skin. Pangi slept so peacefully, his eyebags not deep, or purple, or big. His nose twitched every now and then, his eyebrows smoothed, lips pink and dry from breathing. He was just… sleeping.
He raked his fingers through Pangi’s hair, brushing it upwards, just like how he wears it. It flattens the second he stops. A small hum, Pangi cuddled his nose deeper into Lukey’s cheek, ridding the peaceful distraction of his face. Idling his fingers, Lukey stared at the ceiling instead, faint traces of dust flying through the air. He flattens his palm against Pangi’s head. It was simple, stalled. The birds seemed too far to hear; there was nothing but their breathing in the morning sun.
Sighing, Lukey tugged Pangi in closer, focusing on his warmth, focusing on the tickle of hair on his face. Letting his eyes fall shut once more, the sinking feeling grew deeper. It was minute, sitting in his stomach, waiting. It dragged around the rest of his emotions, tapping each eyelid with growing intensity.
The room was too quiet.
Lukey clutched Pangi tighter. Keeping his thoughts calm and minimal, he sucked in air through his nose. If he held his breath for long enough, the thudding of his heart could fill the silence. His dread idled, buzzing, too muffled to get a hold of. Pangi’s nose was smushed right beside his own.
The room was quiet besides Pangi’s light snoring, little huffs, tiny hums. Lukey’s breathing was faint, miniscule, unobtrusive. Time ticked by, their bodies blending together, seemingly as one. It was hard not to think about how much space Pangi took. He covered Lukey’s entire body, legs tangled and shoulders aligned, swarming his senses. Pangi covered his entire life. He’s in every aspect of his being, his entire existence. He is a constant. Wherever he goes Pangi follows.
Pangi was so important. He was so unbelievably important. He cared so deeply for everyone, assuring all his friends were happy and safe. He built roads and checked up on Lukey whenever he was too quiet and helped his friends get their work done whenever he could and is so amazing that Lukey can’t imagine being able to keep up. Pangi wakes up with nothing but love, nothing but the fact he’s needed by everyone. Lukey wakes up as Lukey.
It was annoying, frustration ticking, teetering on the edge of his brain. Sucking in a deeper breath, Lukey bit his tongue as hard as he could without bleeding. He couldn’t stomach the metallic taste this early. Pangi shifted, his fingers slipping beneath Lukey’s shirt, the heat of his hand grounding him. Blindly brushing Pangi’s hair, Lukey let their bodies sink further into the mattress.
His body was still burning. His pulse replaced the silence of his breathing, putting up a fight against Pangi’s snores. It was battling for significance, battling for importance. Lukey knows it doesn’t matter. He knows his breath doesn’t make a difference in the world. He knows where he stands in the universe. He knows in the end none of him will matter.
Sighing, Lukey ignored the wetness forming behind his eyes. Pangi was impossibly close, burying himself into Lukey’s very being. His leg had weaved further between Lukey’s, locking him in place. Even while he’s sleeping, he has such an instinct to protect, to shield him from the world, from danger. He wonders if he sees him as weak. He wonders if he looks so weak, so fragile, that there’s no way he could survive without Pangi. He wonders if there’s any truth in that.
The sun bored into his forehead, the rays mixing with Pangi’s breaths. It was intense, unforgiving, but Pangi was so peacefully tucked into his neck. Lukey covered as much of his face as he could without moving his boyfriend. He could protect him from the sun; he could do at least that, be somewhat of use. The sun kept its heat, burning down his temple, his cheek, his jaw. He kept Pangi cradled in the curve of his neck.
Lukey sighed deeply. He doesn’t know how long he’s been lying with his thoughts. Time ticks by as meaningless thoughts clog his brain. It flashes Pangi realizing what he wants – what he truly wants – and makes a home in his insufficient mind. It shows Pangi explaining why it took so long to be official, how he never wanted more, never needed more. It shows Lukey back in his house, empty bed, empty life.
When Pangi leaves, he’ll have people to fall back on, people to open arms and hold him tight, to love him without hesitation. What would Lukey have? Who would be waiting for him? Who would be there to comfort him? Who would listen to his wails and assure him things will get better? Who will be there to see him get better? Who will make sure he doesn’t get worse? What purpose does Lukey even have to anyone else?
He knows his scientific research will take him far, farther than his body will go. His mind will bring importance to the world long after he’s gone. Lukey will be dead, his body slowly rotting 10 feet deep, while his work floats for generations to bring worth to him, to show that he was worth being born. He was worth being alive. Maybe then more than one person would see it.
Sniffling, Lukey twisted his head to the side, letting a row of tears stain the pillow beneath. Pangi shifted, immediately following him, attaching right back into his neck. A faint kiss is pressed to his skin before a loud groan interrupts the world.
“Morning,” Pangi mumbles, running his lips up Lukey’s neck. He stops to kiss his jaw. “What time is it?”
Trying to steady his voice, Lukey turns away from Pangi’s eyeline, desperately clawing for his phone. He blinks at the time; 7:37 am. “Early.”
Humming, Pangi tilts Lukey’s face back, pressing their lips softly, sighing. They hold the kiss for a few more seconds until they part. Pangi’s eyes are lidded, desperate to shake the sleepiness. Lukey tries to wipe his tears as subtly as he can.
Pecking his lips, Pangi moves to his chin, inching his way to Lukey’s cheek. Flailing his hand out, desperately pushing his face away, Lukey panics. Pangi blinked, staring until his eyes focused. Lukey sniffled, covering his face with his arm, willing his lip to stop trembling.
“Honey?”
“Don’t.”
The warm weight on his chest lifted, a wave of chills covering his body. Lukey could feel the lump in his throat thickening, tears welling back up. He licked the inside of his cheek, licking the rawness, forcing himself to breathe through his nose to avoid obvious sounds. His mouth was metallic. It was too early.
Heavy weight settled on his hips, a soft hand tugging his arm away. “Lukey.”
Keeping his eyes closed, he took his final moment to compose himself. He had let his mind indulge. His mind had descended in areas he swore never to come back to. He had failed one of the only things keeping him afloat. It was time to pull it back together.
“Yeah?”, straightening his eyes on his boyfriend, Lukey tried to ignore the obvious frown on his face.
Leaning down, planting his hands on the pillow beside his head, Pangi watched him. His hair was stuck to his forehead, the hazel in his eyes blurry with the sun lightening them. His chin had a faint stubble to it and his eyebrows were scrunched. His full attention was on him. Gulping, Lukey prepared.
“What’s wrong, baby?”, fluffing his hair, Pangi flicked his eyes up to watch his fingers at Lukey’s scalp. He fussed about until he gained more confidence. “You have to tell me,” he had a goofy smile, his eyes struggling to match the joke.
Gnawing at his cheek, tasting more blood, Lukey took a deep breath. He couldn’t stomach explaining himself. He couldn’t stomach uttering the words circling his head. They were too sharp, too difficult to swallow. His eyes were glassy as he stared at his boyfriend. He shut them when Pangi’s face broke further. Sniffling, Lukey wiped his face, coughing away some tears. “I can’t.”
A soft kiss landed on his forehead, the warmth of Pangi’s body surrounding him once more. His arms squeezed him, light kisses covering every inch of Lukey’s skin. He couldn’t stop his thoughts from sticking to Pangi catching him at such a weak moment. That was happening too frequently now; he was terrified.
Continuing the pecks, Pangi mumbled something against his neck. He couldn’t make it out, the warm air blending with saliva, vibrating the skin beneath his lips. Struggling to get air in, Lukey pressed his head to the pillow. Light nibbles down his neck, loving hums; Pangi made a home there on his skin.
The ceiling was white, tiny specks stuck to the corners. It was plain, nothing special in the way it hung above them. It was perfect to let his mind wander. It was like a blank canvas, coaxing him to let his visions wander. Visions of Pangi, visions of him seeing what the man under him truly is, how disappointing he is.
It showed his failures. It showed being trapped in the cycle of love, running away, running towards. He’s shown time and time again that his efforts mean nothing at the end of the day, failing at something so easy. He’s smart, all in books and text, numbers and hypothesises. Pangi fights so hard to be good to him; Lukey doesn’t stop asking for more.
Their relationship didn’t need to be defined. Pangi didn’t plan to, and he should have accepted it. He should have let them flow at their own pace. He should have just closed the gaps in his heart and sucked it up. Lukey has been greedy, always pushing for as much love as he could get. What else was there?
It wouldn’t be the first time he’s asked for too much, forced himself too deep, cramming into spaces not meant to widen. Lukey can feel the sharp nibs at the base of his neck, nothing but love filling his silence. He asked for too much. He’s forcing his boyfriend for something he didn’t originally want.
“What are we, mister?”, Lukey chuckled.
“Mine.”
Pangi’s soft voice floated through the memory.
“Wrong answer.”
Tears were trailing down his cheeks. Pangi didn’t want a label; every time Lukey asked, alluded to them talking about one, he’d go silent. He’d hesitate, go blank, get shy, whatever he did to disappear back into his head.
Lukey had finally pushed him too far. He wasn’t confident Pangi even knew what he agreed to. He forced that onto him. Lukey forced him into a relationship he’d been so careful to avoid. And for what? For him to cry in their bed, after begging and moaning to be boyfriends?
“Baby?”, Pangi’s eyes were on his. They were foggy from all the tears. Rubbing his thumb under Lukey’s eyelid, Pangi leaned closer. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”
Sniffling, barely choking back a sob, Lukey shook his head. He felt his eyes burn, Pangi’s broken expression pushing more tears down. His boyfriend didn’t deserve this. He didn't deserve someone like this, so socially useless, alone, nothing. He deserved to be happy with someone who had more than him. Pangi deserved to love someone who had more to offer the world.
Leaning back, Pangi sat on his hips. Running his hands through his hair rapidly, Pangi hung his head down. “Fuck,” his voice cracked.
Panic filled Lukey’s body, electric. Frantically sitting up, Lukey aggressively rubbed his tears with both hands. He couldn’t make things worse. He’s already messed up being in this relationship. He couldn’t let Pangi think it was his fault that he’s crying.
“Don’t worry about me–”
“Don’t worry about me?! Bro, I’m sorry my boyfriend is sobbing under me and I can’t do anything to make it stop!”
Lukey’s hands flailed around, reaching for Pangi’s head, his arms, retreating to his own body, his own face, his own hair. He couldn’t calm his body down. His breath quickened, tears blocking every detail in the room, Pangi’s face blurring together. He’s made this worse. Lukey rubs his face violently, trying to rid of any evidence. His face was raw, his ears were ringing, and he couldn’t take the upset look Pangi had.
Pangi was upset at what he is. He’s sitting there watching his boyfriend he got forced to date and commit to cry his body weight out. He’s watching the man who has taken so much, begged for so much, lose every sense of normality. Lukey hits the sides of his head.
He can’t do this. He can’t be this much of a burden. He can’t show how weak he is. What would Pangi think? That he needs to coddle him more? That he needs to follow everything Lukey says so he doesn’t break again? Would Pangi ever leave on his own accord now that he knows how broken Lukey is? Does he feel forced to stay?
His ears were ringing with how hard he was hitting his head. He needed to feel something, anything, besides the sorrow in his chest. He needed to have power over his body. He needed to be better. He had to be better. He can’t be this worthless to the world. He can’t have Pangi to depend on. He can’t be so useless.
“Lukey!”
A loud sob left his mouth as his shoulders got shaken by Pangi. Lukey struggles to open his eyes far enough to see him, hiccups finally hitting his ears. He can feel Pangi holding his hands; he’s squeezing them in a beat, applying pressure for a moment before releasing. He recognizes that’s him trying to calm him, maybe to have him pace his breathing. He appreciates the care, but it’s not what he deserves right now.
“I’m sorry,” he barely gets out before another rack of sobs. “I’m so so sorry,” Lukey lurches.
Shushing him, Pangi brings their hands up to his lips, kissing the spaces where Lukey’s were visible. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Shaking his head, Lukey tries to breathe again, choking on his tears. “It’s not,” he drowns himself with more crying.
“Lukey, I need you to listen to me,” Pangi squeezes their hands again. “Can you do that?”
The idea that Pangi thinks Lukey won’t listen makes his stomach twist. He nods his head anyways.
“I need you to breathe with me, okay?”
“I don’t want to,” hiccuping, Lukey tried leaving.
“Lukey.”
Whimpering, Lukey shook his head again. “I don’t deserve to breathe.”
He faintly noticed the hitch in Pangi’s breath. If he let himself think too hard, he knew he’d start crying harder. He felt his hands being pressed to something warm. It was hard in the same way it was soft, a light thudding against his palms.
“Try to match them?”, Pangi’s voice had a shaky lilt, his voice clogged with emotions.
Swallowing some of his tears, Lukey focused. He could match things, he could line them up. Pangi’s heart beat every second, the solid thump beneath his fingers, Lukey counted them one by one. If his heart kept up with this speed, it’d be 70BPM, or maybe 74BMP, he was losing count. The beats started to mesh together as his mind slowed. Maybe his heart was beating slower than he counted. He wasn’t sure if it had been a minute yet.
“There you go,” Pangi whispered, the vibration stark against Lukey’s palm. “You’re doing so well, baby.”
Resting his forehead on Pangi’s shoulder, Lukey sniffled, counting. He counted one, two, three, letting their body heat lull him. It was simple. He liked when things were simple. They stayed like that for a while, just Lukey counting.
When his breathing smoothed out, Pangi tugged Lukey fully into his arms, kissing his hair as he rubbed his back. “It’s okay,” he kissed his head once more, “You’re okay. I love you.”
Lukey tilted back, able to see through his lashes again. Pangi’s eyes were rimmed red, a steady smile, and his eyebrows soft. He looked like he loved him, just like he said. Lukey tried to smile back, dried tears and mucus stuck to his face.
“Hey…”
“Hey,” Pangi giggled, bringing his lips back to Lukey’s hair. “Feeling better?”
Humming, Lukey rubbed his face with his shirt. Sighing, he blinked up at his boy. “I love you, too.”
Grinning, Pangi flattened their chests together. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
The morning continued, birds chirping outside, Lukey’s shirt sticky with all his tears. His worthlessness tried peeking back in when Pangi ushered them to shower together, but he was able to keep them away, just for a bit longer. Pangi made him his favorite tea as he scavenged for food.
Closing the fridge halfway, he turned to look at Lukey. He could see his mischievous smile over his mug. “What?”, Lukey laughed, placing his cup down, full attention on his boyfriend.
“We should…”, squeezing from inside the fridge, making his way over. “Go out to eat breakfast.”
Rolling his eyes, Lukey picked his tea back up, barely taking a sip before it was snatched away. “Hey!”
“Ah! We’re getting waffles,” Pangi walked out the kitchen. “Or pancakes; I know you get picky.”
Resting his head on the counter, eyes closed, Lukey sighed, his head still a bit fuzzy from the morning. He was probably dehydrated. He should fix that. “Fine.”
He heard a shout somewhere in the back. He smiled against the cold tile.
The restaurant was fairly empty, a couple workers busying about while a group ate in a booth tucked in the back. Lukey wiped his hands on his pants, hiding his smile as Pangi tugged him closer by his belt loop. He could see the smirk on his face as a lady walked to greet them.
“Hello! For two?”
She had short purple hair, tied up with a butterfly clip. She was grabbing the menus while she spoke, standing up straight after she finished. Her jaw dropped as she stared at them, the menus landing flat on the floor. “Pangi?”
“Hey, Ros,” he smiled, nice and easy.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you here!”
Lukey watched them, waiting for a moment to introduce himself. Ros hadn’t looked at him once, and he was certain she wanted to catch up before she did anything else. Eventually, she turned her head, her eyes widening. “And you are…?”
“Lukey,” he held his hand out. He tried to give his most stable smile. Ros looked at his hand, then back at Pangi. Trying not to look, Lukey waited for her to look back. She squinted and shook his hand.
“For two?”
Nodding, Pangi dragged him over by his pants, smiling ear to ear as he chatted with Ros. Frowning, Lukey gazed at the window as he was led over to the table. It was sunny, blue sky and bright green trees. It was beautiful outside.
“Here you are!”, Ros put both menus in front of Pangi. She gave him a specific look before walking towards the kitchen.
Without saying a word, Pangi opened the menu, blindly passing Lukey one. Staring at the dull coloring, Lukey chewed his lip. He hasn’t met a lot of his boyfriend’s friends. He could only recall seeing one, and he thinks it was Pili. He wasn’t sure. He was interesting, but he actually gave him his attention. He thinks Pili likes him. Possibly.
Nerves from the morning bubbled low in his chest, his foot shaking under the table. His eyes skimmed down the menu, fractions of words fuzzy in his head. Pangi was sitting there, focused, normal. He was okay with what happened.
Sinking into his seat, Lukey tried to ignore the tension in his shoulders. He could be fine. He should be fine. He already made a scene in the morning. He felt an odd tingle down his spine, making him shift uncomfortably. Pangi glanced up at him, his eyes peeking over his sunglasses. Making eye contact, Lukey tried to give a reassuring smile, getting one back.
The tingle didn’t stop, and Lukey couldn’t focus on the words in front of him. Giving in, he turned around, seeing Ros staring him down. Tilting his head, Lukey raised his eyebrow. Ros tightened her glare before turning away. Scrunching his face, he turned back around, picking at the edges of the menu.
“You know what you want?”
“Huh?”, Lukey flinched, flickering his eyes around until they landed on his boyfriend.
Furrowing his eyebrows, Pangi leaned forward. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Lukey nodded his head, continuing the motion as he reread the menu. “Yeah.”
“Okay…”, Pangi hesitantly backed off. He could still see his eyes watching.
Loud feet stomped to their table, a cheery Ros grinning ear to ear. “Do you guys know what you want,” she smiled at Pangi.
“Oh, I’ll have the chocolate waffles,” he smiled up at her, his demeanor relaxed. She wrote it down, slowly and carefully, before turning to Lukey.
Lukey watched her for a moment, seeing her eyes squint, just enough that no one would notice unless you really looked. Her smile never wavered. Clearing his throat, Lukey looked at the menu. It still had too dull of colors, and too many words. He picked the first thing his hand landed on. She bent over to read where he was pointing.
“The steak and omelet? How would you like the steak?”
Going closer, Lukey ignored the worried look Pangi gave him, hoping he’ll stay silent for now. “Well done.”
“Lukey,” Pangi hissed, reaching over the table to get his hand.
“Chocolate waffles… and steak and omelet, well done. I’ll bring them when they’re ready,” violently dotting the paper, Ros’s chipper voice rang through, scuttling away before Lukey could get a longer look.
Closing his eyes, he prepared himself. Pangi was staring at him, his mouth ajar and his eyebrows knitted. “What was that?”
“What was what?”, he tried smiling, stacking their menus.
Gesturing his hands around, Pangi sputtered. “That! I thought you didn’t like eggs?”
“Maybe I’m trying something different.”
Pangi continued staring, his mouth opening and closing. He could see his thoughts swirling from across the table. “What’s wrong?”
Sucking his tongue, Lukey looked at the table, tracing the chipped lines in the wood. “I don’t think Ros likes me.”
“What?”
Scratching at a particularly deep chip, Lukey sighed, battling his instincts to stop talking. “She was looking at me like I was evil.”
He waited. Pangi sat silently; Lukey couldn’t even hear him breathe. The table was tense as he jammed his nail further into the wood.
“She’s just… protective.”
Lukey chanced looking up. Pangi’s glasses were resting on his head, his head turned to the kitchen. Biting his cheek, still sore, Lukey shrugged. “It’s alright.”
“She’ll grow on you.”
“Okay.”
Pangi looked at him, pointing at him. “When we get back, you are telling me what’s wrong.”
Sighing, Lukey sank his shoulders. He was exhausted and the idea of talking about any of this was as nauseating as eating eggs. Pangi placed his hand up on the table, open palm, a pointed look. Pouting, Lukey reluctantly intertwined their hands, covering his smile with how loud his boyfriend celebrated.
Rubbing his thumb over Lukey’s knuckles, Pangi gazed at him, a dopey smile glued to his face. He squeezed their hands before letting them idle. He looked so happy to be openly loving him. Lukey tried not to delve further into that thought, about the tightness in his chest, growing anxiety from the morning. He took a deep breath.
“Plus Ros is dating Aimsey.”
Flicking his eyes up, Lukey looked at him questionably. Pangi was still fiddling with their hands, keeping them planted on the cool table gradually warming up. His eyes trailed up and down their fingers, smiling to himself before kissing Lukey’s knuckle. Trying to catch his eye, Lukey ducked his head, begging to understand. He wasn’t sure what the purpose of telling him that was.
He had just opened his mouth to speak when Ros placed their plates. There was steam coming off them, the heat tingling Lukey’s hand as he pulled the plate closer. Pangi whooped and dramatically rubbed his hands together, thanking Ros before taking a gigantic bite.
Lukey looked down at his food. The smell of the eggs was overpowering. They were still sizzling from the stove, green leaves sprinkled on top, specks of black and red. If it wasn’t for his known hatred, he would’ve said it looked pretty. Edible. It stared back at him.
“You don’t have to eat it,” Pangi was touching his arm, mouth full, his hand inching to move the plate away.
Shaking his head, Lukey gulped down his disgust. “No, it’s fine,” he murmured.
“You sure?”, he whispered back, rubbing down his arm, warm, steady.
He was finding it hard to keep his composure. He tried breathing through his mouth, the smell less offensive, almost manageable. The eggs just sat there in front of him, touching the edges of his steak, mixing their juices. He asked for well done. Lukey doesn’t know why, but somehow they didn’t even cook it correctly.
Eating was hard for him, the desperation to gag with every bite, Lukey felt his eyes tear up. He knew he was frowning. He was beyond miserable, but causing another issue wasn’t on the table. He had to be calm and easy to manage. He barely made it past his second bite of his omelet when a gag ripped out of him.
Pangi was at his side the second he opened his eyes, such despair and remorse on his face. Lukey sniffled before hanging his head, brushing him away. His boyfriend shoved right beside him on the booth, sliding his waffles over. He swapped their food. “It’s so good,” he chuckled as he cut off a piece, nudging the fork against Lukey’s lips.
Glaring, he snatched the fork, internally thanking him. It was sweet. He didn’t deserve that from what he’s done, but he’s grateful. Pangi shoved half the omelet in his mouth, turning his head to the side. He assumes so he doesn’t smell it as strongly. Lukey sighed and licked his fork.
The rest of breakfast was tense but uneventful, which was fine. No glares from Ros, soft touches from his boyfriend, and a sugar rush begging to crash, eventually. Lukey was dreading the drive back but the sun was fully settled in the sky, the grass still green, still beautiful. Pangi had forced him to play one of his songs, grinning ear to ear. He’s aware he’s trying his best to cheer him up. He knows he’s trying.
“Remember, we’re talking when we get back,” Pangi glanced at him, slapping his thigh repeatedly until being pushed off.
Fake crying, Lukey whined excuses, giggling after each one. Resting his head on the headrest, Lukey stared out the windshield, smiling in the sun. Times of being in this car flooded in, gradual, hesitant. He's ridden in it so many times he could count the lines on the seats. He could find the button to the glove box with his eyes closed. He could feel the warmth of Pangi’s skin while in the backseat. Opening his eyes, he watched his boyfriend drive, pointedly not looking in the back.
Crowding into their house, Pangi dragged him by his hips, wrapping his arms tightly. He had a goofy smile, twirling them slowly. Lukey let himself relax, sagging in his boyfriend’s arms, letting himself breathe before disaster struck. They stood there, Pangi littering kisses all over his head, whispering too softly to understand.
Leaving a lasting kiss on his lips, Pangi backed up, cradling Lukey's face. “Tell me?”
Lukey fought the urge to back up, the softness making his skin crawl like in the morning. He took a shaky breath, swallowing the thickness in his throat. He could see how intensely he was being watched, Pangi’s eyes big and begging, thumbs consistently rubbing his cheekbones.
Piecing his words together, he debated how deeply he should explain, how little to expose. The same thought that had been swirling for hours, days, maybe months, was poking at his tongue. Chewing his cheek, Lukey kissed him one last time before speaking. “I don’t think I–”, choking up, he pressed his head into his boyfriend’s neck. “I shouldn’t be alive.”
Tearing his face out, Pangi gripped his chin, his eyes wide with panic. “What?”
“I don’t deserve to be al–”
Pangi shushed him, cramming him back into his neck. “You do. You do.”
Lukey’s breath tremored as he stood closer. Pangi was petting his head with such softness he was surprised neither of them were crying. “It’s fine–”
Squeezing him tighter, his boyfriend engulfed him in a large hug, shaking his head as he repeated the words “no”. Pangi’s shoulders were shaking from how strong he was holding him.
He knew it was hard information to stomach; it had been hard for him to accept that himself. Lukey doesn’t blame Pangi for reacting like this. It’s upsetting. It was a truth that followed him, hovered over every decision he made, every reaction he had. He didn’t… deserve to be alive.
Lukey didn’t dare detach himself, didn’t dare try to run away. Pangi was attached to body, one arm locked around his middle as the other iron gripped his head. It was like he knew, he just knew, Lukey would need this security. He doesn’t know how he feels about that. He doesn’t know how to feel about anything that wasn’t him being dead.
Running his fingers through his hair, Pangi kept whispering to him, his voice cracking with every word. Lukey held him in his arms, willing himself not to cry. He had already cried enough for the two of them; there was no need for more. He didn’t deserve more.
He doesn’t remember the sun going down. He doesn't remember being draped in blankets in front of the TV. He doesn’t remember his boyfriend trapping him under his body again. He was boiling hot, leftover tea steaming on the table, Pangi chuckling in his ear whenever a stupid joke erupted from the screen. The blanket tucked in the gaps of their bodies, fluffy, giving the warmth of the evening.
It was peaceful. It was domestic. It was perfect.