Work Text:
It was his 6th year at Hogwarts that Remus realized he was touch starved. His roommates, Sirius Black and James Potter, had hit it off immediately in their first year at school. They quickly became best friends and with that came what Remus could only describe as intimacy. It wasn't something Remus had ever thought about before. He wasn't sure why he suddenly noticed it that morning.
It was breakfast at Hogwarts. Remus sat in the Great Hall with his three roommates. They found themselves at their usual spot at the very end of the table. On his right, sat Peter Pettigrew. The sandy blonde was shorter than Remus and he had the chubby cheeks of a chipmunk. The only word Remus could find to describe Peter was cute. Across from them sat James and Sirius. They were joined at the hip, each of them with an arm around the other. James was handsome with his dark tanned skin and round glasses. He had a muscular build, perfect for his position as Quidditch captain. Sirius was handsome too, but in a pretty way. His long hair and sharp, feminine features drew Remus to him the day they met in first year.
Remus always felt that he didn't fit in with his small group of friends. They were all fit in their own ways. They were all kind and smart and funny. Remus was not. He was awkward, lanky, and clumsy. The scars that ran across his face ruined any chance he had at beauty. He was doomed from the start.
James made a joke. Remus wasn't sure what the joke was. He was too busy staring at Sirius as he threw his head back in laughter. Remus watched Sirius with wide eyes. He was the most beautiful boy Remus had ever had the pleasure of seeing. His black curls were shiny and rested perfectly around his face. He had long dark eyelashes that brought out the blue in Sirius's eyes. When Sirius laughed, his whole face lit up. It was in this moment that Remus realized Sirius wasn't just pretty, he was blindingly beautiful.
Remus was snapped from his admiration when Sirius placed a loud kiss on James's cheek. Remus was caught off guard by the pang in his chest. He shook his head, as if giving himself whiplash would shake the feelings away.
"Alright, Remus?" James asked. Remus looked up at James, who was eyeing him with concern from across the table.
"Uh, yeah." Remus coughed. "Just the moon, I think."
"It's a week away, Rem. Are you already feeling it?" Sirius's smile dropped as he scanned Remus's face.
"Er-" Remus felt awkward under the scrutiny of Sirius's gaze. He felt his cheeks warm. He knew his face was pink, giving him away.
"It's the blood moon this month! Reckon it'll make things a bit worse, right Remus?" Peter saved him from making a fool of himself. Remus nodded but the truth was he hadn't even realized that a blood moon was coming. He cursed himself out in his head as he looked from Peter to Sirius.
"You look flushed. Do you have a fever?" Sirius asked. The black haired man stood up from his seat and walked over to Remus, placing the back of his hand on his forehead. The werewolf flinched back at the touch.
"Woah! Sorry, mate." Sirius quickly removed his hand. Remus thought he saw a look of hurt on the other boy's face but he blinked and it was gone. Wishful thinking, he thought to himself.
Remus cleared his throat awkwardly. The ache in his chest grew stronger as he watched Sirius retreat back to his seat.
"I- uh- I think I am going to skip classes today actually." Remus jumped from his seat and walked out of the Great Hall before any of his friends could answer.
.
Once Remus was back in the dorm, he found himself in his bed with the curtains drawn shut. Even in the safety of his bed, he couldn't shake the tightness in his chest. His mind played the scene in the Great Hall over and over again. Sirius with his shining smile and an arm casually thrown over James's shoulder. His lips on James's cheek. His hand on Remus's forehead.
Remus groaned, rubbing where he could still feel Sirius's warmth. He recalled Sirius's face when Remus flinched. Had Sirius been hurt by his reaction? Or was that just Remus's imagination playing tricks on him? Yes, that was it. It was his imagination. Sirius would never want to touch him. He was just checking his temperature. He was being a good friend and nothing more.
Except, he was good friends with James and they touched all the time. Sirius never touched Remus like that. James never touched him either. Did they touch Peter like that? Remus wasn't sure. He knew Peter certainly didn't get too close to Remus. In fact, he remembered Peter scooting away from him slightly when he sat down next to him in the Great Hall earlier.
Now that Remus really thought about it, his friends made an effort to avoid touching him quite often. Remus's stomach lurched at that realization. His friends didn't want to touch him.
Of course they don't want to touch you, Remus. You're a werewolf. A monster, He thought to himself. That's why your own mother won't hug you. Why you're dad topped himself.
Remus's eyes blurred. He felt a numbness roll through his body. It started in his head and the wave continued down his chest into his arms, hands, legs, and finally settling in his feet. His hands clenched as the nausea built in his stomach. He fought against the panic, but that only made it worse. He unclenched his hands only for his own fingers to fight against him. His hands clenched and unclenched until he couldn't open them anymore. The tightness of his chest was the worst. It was as if a graphorn was sat directly on his chest. His heart was pounding and breathing became a conscious effort. One that Remus was failing at.
After what felt like hours, but was probably only minutes, Remus found himself taking deep breaths. As he inhaled, he counted to four, held his breath for seven, exhaled for eight. He kept going for a minute, just like Madame Pomfrey had shown him the first time he had a panic attack at Hogwarts. This time, however, breathing did little to loosen the tension in his body. He started again, this time opting to count until the ache went away.
It was around five minutes later when Remus felt his body relax and his eyes slipped shut. He fell into a fitful sleep.
.
Remus hummed softly as he felt a hand run through his hair. He leaned into the warmth as a small smile found its way to his face. He blinked his eyes open blearily to see Sirius looking down on him. His dark curls were falling into his face. The light from the dorm framing his figure with an angelic halo. Sirius smiled down on him sweetly. Remus's eyes were heavy with sleep. He closed them again, basking in the touch of Sirius.
"Sirius?" He grumbled.
The hand in his hair disappeared. Sirius didn't say anything. Remus blinked a few times, opening his eyes to find that Sirius was no longer standing over him. His brows furrowed. He sat up in his bed, listening carefully for signs of his friends back from class. It was completely silent.
Remus peered through the small slit in his bed curtains to find the room completely empty. Classes weren't over yet, then. He huffed, ignoring the pang that shot through his chest.
Remus collapsed back into the bed and stared up at the ceiling. He should have known it was just a dream. He rolled onto his side.
Remus wrapped his arms around himself. He imagined Sirius laying right behind him. His arms wrapped tightly around Remus's core. He imagined a hand resting lightly on his side, a thumb rubbing small circles. He imagined Sirius's lips pressed against his neck, the warmth of Sirius's body right up against his back. His stomach churned and Remus folded himself in half. He was sure he looked ridiculous–curled in on himself, hugging his arms tightly around his own body.
After a few minutes, Remus let out a bitter laugh. This is what his life was destined for. He was always going to be this monster. No matter how much he tried to pretend, Remus would never be a normal wizard. He would never have friends that would casually rest their hands on his shoulders. He would never have a mother that would hug him when he was hurt. He would never have someone to hold him at times like this, when he was feeling unlovable. He would always fall asleep alone, desperately trying to fill an emptiness he had felt since the night he was transformed.
Remus's lip trembled and he sniffled lightly. His eyes welled with tears. His bed curtain blurred as he let out an involuntary whimper. His eyes shut and once again, Remus was asleep.
.
It was the next morning when Remus finally woke again. He could hear the quiet whispers of his roommates as their feet shuffled around. They must be getting ready for class. Remus huffed as he resigned himself to an insufferable day of classes. He was definitely feeling the effects of the moon. Not only were his eyes swollen and painful from his pitiful meltdown the previous night but his muscles were sore. As he stretched, he felt as though his body was slowly falling apart.
Remus pulled his curtains back, startling his roommates. Peter, James, and Sirius were all huddled together, standing over the Marauder's Map. Remus gave them a tight lipped smile as he stood from his bed. His legs gave an embarrassing creak as he stood. Remus winced, realizing it was probably a cane day.
Sirius, who must have been watching him closely, walked across the room to hand Remus his cane.
"Thanks, Padfoot." Remus murmured, avoiding the boy's eyes.
"Anytime, Moony." Sirius reached out, as if he was going to clap Remus on the shoulder, but quickly retracted his hand. Remus's chest ached. He reminded himself it was for the best. He was a dark creature, dangerous. Of course Sirius would think twice about touching him. He turned his head away, feigning interest in his bedding.
Sirius took a sharp breath, as if he was about to say something, but must have thought better of it as nothing followed. Remus felt Sirius absence in his soul as the boy walked back to where James and Peter stood over the map.
"Remus!" James called for his attention. "I know you're not feeling very well but we've got a great prank idea for Snivellus. Are you in?"
"Huh?" Remus looked up at James and blinked. A few seconds pass before Remus finally realized what he said. "Oh, yeah. sure."
Remus watched as Sirius and James met each other's gazes, having a conversation with their eyes. Remus longed to have that connection with someone. Just as the thought crossed his mind, James wrapped an arm around both Peter and Sirius. The other two boys smiled and leaned into the touch.
Envy whirled through Remus's body like a tornado. He felt every gust of it as it ripped apart his insides. The churning in Remus's gut reappeared with a vengeance and he felt a burning in the back of his throat. His mouth watered and leaning heavily on his cane, he hobbled as quickly as he could to the bathroom.
The floor was cold against Remus's knees. It was a welcome distraction as he heaved violently into the toilet. His throat burned from the bile. There wasn't much in Remus's stomach. After sleeping all of the previous day, all he really had was water and bile sitting in the bottom of his stomach. That didn't stop his body from bringing everything back up.
Remus groaned. He was too exhausted to care when his forehead rested on the edge of the toilet seat.
"Moony?" a voice called.
Remus meant to say 'go away' but all that came out was a small grunt. Whoever was waiting on the other side of the door had taken it as a 'please come in.' The door creaked open and hesitant footsteps echoed through the small space.
"Are you okay?" Remus lifted his head to find Sirius staring at him with wide, concerned eyes.
"Just go away," Remus mumbled.
"No," Sirius snapped. "This isn't just the moon. I know you, Remus. It's never been like this. So tell me what's wrong. Are you sick? Did something happen?"
Remus slowly lifted his head from the toilet. He grimaced at the sight and smell of his vomit. He ripped a piece of toilet paper and wiped his mouth. He threw it in the toilet and flushed.
"Doesn't matter." Remus mumbled. He sat back against the wall, his head resting against the cold tile.
"Like fuck it doesn't matter, Moony!" Sirius threw his hands in the air. "I won't leave until you tell me."
Remus avoided his gaze. His eyes were unfocused as he stared at the sink behind Sirius. The faucet was broken, so there was a constant dripping of water since they moved into the dorm. No one ever bothered fixing it. Remus focused on the sound of it. Drip. Drip. Drip.
A hand landed on his shoulder. Remus's body went stiff. He blinked slowly, turning his head to look at the hand still resting on his shoulder.
"Remus?" Sirius was crouched down next to him now, his hand gripping his shoulder tightly. He tilted his head in an effort to meet the werewolf's eyes. "Talk to me. Please."
"You shouldn't touch me." Remus shrugged Sirius's hand off.
"What? Why?" Sirius's brows furrowed.
Remus swallowed the bile that rose to the back of his throat. Sirius's face was blurry, swimming in his line of vision.
"I'm dangerous, Padfoot. Why would you want to touch me?" Remus shut his eyes tight.
"Remus..." Sirius trailed off. His hand found Remus's shoulder once again. "You're not dangerous. You're my Moony."
"No, no. I'm a monster. Moony is a dark creature, Sirius. He's dangerous. I'm dangerous." Remus cried. Remus shook his head erratically. He felt the familiar wave of numbness roll through his body. It started with a tingle in his skull and then ran down to his toes. A small whimper left his mouth before he could help it. He felt out of control of his body. He pushed Sirius's hand away yet again.
A small, guttural sound made its way from Sirius's throat. "Fuck, okay Remus, I won't touch you. But I need you to breathe."
Remus shook his head and choked out a small "no."
"No? No what?" Sirius asked. He was on his knees now, his hands hovering above Remus like he didn't know what to do with them.
Remus vaguely knew his body was shaking, that his face was splotchy and an ugly red, that he looked insane in front of Sirius. His hands were numb. He brought them to his chest and began flapping them to chase away the feeling. He choked on a breath as he tried to answer Sirius.
"Touch," was all he could get out.
"Touch? You want me to touch you?" Sirius blanched.
Remus let out a pathetic, high pitched whimper as he nodded. Sirius wasted no time in pulling his friend into a tight hug and Remus melted into it. He couldn't stop the cascade of sobs that released from his throat. Years of longing, pain, and frustrations slipping out of him. Sirius didn't say a word. He sat with Remus, his arms wrapped around and rubbed lightly at his skin.
They sat like that for an hour. Remus vaguely remembered a hesitant knock and James asking if everything was alright. He doesn't remember Sirius's reply. He does remember Sirius's hands on his shoulders, his back, running through his hair. He remembered his lips pressed lightly against his forehead. He remembered a thumb wiping his tears only for them to be replaced a second later.
Only once the tears had stopped and Remus was left a sniffling mess did Sirius attempt to move. The sound that left Remus was indescribable but it had Sirius stopping in his tracks.
"Please," Remus whispered, his voice hoarse and cracking. "Don't let go. Not yet."
Sirius held on tighter as he spoke, "Only for a minute, love. My leg is falling asleep. Maybe we can move to my bed?"
Love. Remus liked the sound of that. His face burned with the flush that followed that thought. He shouldn't feel this way. He didn't deserve to feel love, to be touched this way. In a week, he'd be transforming into a blood thirsty beast. He'd be ugly and dangerous. Sirius deserved better than him.
"Moony?" Sirius whispered as he ran a hand through Remus's curls.
Remus found himself leaning further into the touch like a cat and nodding. "Okay, bed."
.
Remus wasn't sure when he fell asleep. He awoke with a gasp. He felt an unfamiliar pressure against his back and his side. There was a warmth that encompassed him. Not like a fire, not like the sun, but a different kind of warmth that Remus was unfamiliar with. One that he was happy to bask in. He opened his eyes for a second but quickly shut them again. It was still daylight, maybe around noon. The light from the window was blinding and Remus's head was already pounding, residuals from the panic attack.
The panic attack. Sirius. Remus's eyes flew open and he sat up quickly in the bed. Sirius's bed. The warmth quickly disappeared and Remus looked over to find Sirius next to him, already awake and watching him with wide eyes.
"Rem? What's wrong?" Sirius inquired.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck." Remus answered. "I- I'm sorry, Padfoot." His breathing quickened as he realized his mistake.
"Sorry? Sorry for what exactly?"
"What do you mean 'for what?' F-for everything. I shouldn't have forced you to touch me like that. I definitely shouldn't have laid in bed with you. Or fallen asleep in your arms!" Remus answered, incredulously.
"Remus." Sirius scolded. "Why the fuck are you apologizing? You didn't force me! I wanted to do all of that!"
"W-what?" Remus froze.
"I don't know why you have this idea that I don't want to be around you or touch you but you're wrong, Remus." Sirius said.
"B-but you never touch me." Remus pointed out. "None of you do!"
Sirius's eyes widened in realization. "Is that what this is all about?"
Remus slowly nodded, avoiding Sirius's gaze. "I- I don't know why I've never noticed before. But yesterday at breakfast I did. Y-you kiss James's cheek." Remus gulped. "A-and Peter scooted away from me at the table. Then, this morning, James wrapped an arm around you both. I just realized you all never touched me. In fact, I noticed that you all avoided touching me. I don't blame you though. I can't imagine why anyone would touch me. My own mother won't."
Sirius gaped at Remus. "Your own moth- what?!"
Remus sneaked a glance at Sirius. He almost laughed at the shock on his face.
"What?" Remus asked.
"There's so much to unpack here, Remus." Sirius moved closer to where Remus sat at the edge of the bed. "Can I touch you?"
Remus hesitated but nodded. Sirius smiled softly, wrapping an arm around Remus's shoulders.
"Okay, we will get back to your mother in a second. For now, I want you to listen to me, okay?"
Remus nodded.
"Okay, good." Sirius took a deep breath. "First, I want you to know that the last thing we meant to do was make you feel unloved. We avoided touching you because every time we've tried you always flinch away. We figured you just didn't like touch and were too nice to say anything."
"Oh."
Like a plug had been pulled, Remus felt all the tension and anxiety that has been living in shoulders and his stomach release. It all drained out of him like water in a bathtub.
"I'm so sorry we made you feel that way, Moony." Sirius pressed a kiss to Remus's shoulder.
Remus shuddered at the feeling. "I've never seen you kiss James like that."
"Well I don't fancy James so that would be weird." Sirius laughed nervously.
"Oh," Remus paused for a moment, processing Sirius's words. "Oh."
Sirius snorted. "Yeah, oh."
"You really fancy me?" Remus asked shyly.
"Yeah, I really do." Sirius answered, resting his head on the other boy's shoulder.
"You shouldn't." Remus shakes his head.
"Which brings us to your mother." Sirius scowled. "I don't know what your mother taught you but you are not a monster. You're not unlovable. James, Peter, and I would never have become animagi for you. We've seen Moony. We've played with him, cuddled with him, slept with him. Moony is not a monster and neither are you."
"What if one day I hurt you? Werewolves are killers, Sirius. I don't want to wake up from a moon one day to find you dead." Remus sniffled. "I fancy you too. A lot. I think I always have. But I don't want to hurt you. I can't hurt you. I wouldn't be able to live with myself, Padfoot."
"You won't. I promise." Sirius whispered.
"Y-you can't promise something that like! You don't know."
"Please, Remus. Is life really worth living if you're just going to hold yourself back from all the good?" Sirius reasoned. "Don't you think you're hurting me now? I want you, Remus. And you want me too. Why can't we just try?"
Remus looked up from the floor to meet Sirius's eyes. He knew deep down that Sirius was right. All he was doing was depriving himself of happiness and hurting Sirius in the process. The idea of hurting the other boy sent an ache through his heart. If not for himself, then maybe he can try for Sirius.
"Yeah, I do want you." Remus whispered, leaning into Sirius's space with a shuddering breath. Sirius smiled and rested his forehead on Remus's.
"Does that mean you'll try?" Sirius croaked.
Remus didn't answer. His eyes flickered from Sirius's eyes to his lips and back up again. Sirius let a hand move to Remus's hair. He played with the ends on the nape of his neck, smiling softly. This smile was reserved only for Remus. He had never seen Sirius look at anyone this way. Not even James. Remus felt a rush of emotion, a pang of need ran through his body. His breath is fanning Sirius's lips. He leans forward, but stops before their lips touch. He hesitates, looking into blue eyes with an unspoken question. Sirius nods and Remus moves before he can second guess what he's doing.
They kiss. It's nothing like Remus had ever experienced before. Sirius's lips were soft and full. They contrasted with Remus's own chapped lips. He pushed away the thoughts of how awful he might taste, how rough his lips must feel to the other boy. All he could feel, taste, smell, or think was Sirius. Sirius. Sirius.
The kiss ends before Remus wants it to but he's forgotten how to breathe. Remus is once again counting out his manual breaths but this time because he is too overwhelmed with love to function.
Sirius smiled at him patiently. He pressed his lips to Remus's cheek in fast pecks. Remus let out a breathy chuckle. Sirius pulls back and Remus feels his heart drop. He watches as the other boy stands from the bed.
"W-where are you going?" Remus stutters.
Sirius looks back at him with a frown. "I was going to get some food from the Great Hall. It should be around lunch still. Figured you might be hungry."
"Oh." Remus mutters.
"What's wrong? Do you still feel sick?" Sirius raises a hand to Remus's forehead. Sirius was shocked when Remus didn't flinch. Instead the werewolf whined and pushed his head further into the warmth of his hand.
" 'm not sick." Remus mumbled. "Don't go."
Sirius huffed a laugh as he removed his hand. He laughed harder as Remus began following his hand pitifully and sat back down on the bed.
"Alright, I guess we can starve until dinner." Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus before laying them both down on the bed. "I didn't realize how clingy you could be."
"Sorry." Remus's response was muffled as his face rested in the crook of Sirius's neck.
"Don't be. I think clingy Moony might be my favorite." Sirius smiled, pressing a small kiss to Remus's forehead.
Remus's heart flipped in his chest. He smiled and hid his face deeper into Sirius. He could get used to this.