Chapter Text
[July 2007]
Hayden Pike is on top of the world. The most beautiful woman in the world is interested in him, and she’s LDS. She’s perfect.
They didn’t even meet at church, because Hayden still thinks the no-booze strict-dress-code young adult mixers that the churches put on are baloney, just like he had back home in Arizona. But holy mother of holy god did he take back every stupid thing he’s said in the locker rooms about LDS women.
Jacqueline Connors is funny, beautiful, not too crazy gung-ho Mormon—a girl his parents, actually pretty ambiguous about most of Mormonism, would certainly be impressed by. Jackie speaks French but doesn’t really consider herself Québécoise because she grew up in Alberta, only having moved here with her parents when she was 12. Hayden learned Spanish in high school, and now that he’s drafted to a francophone team, his very first friend could teach him French!
It kind of feels like fate. He’s been here for a month and he hasn’t really talked to any girls—he’d been introduced to most of the WAGs at a summer party, but they didn’t really count. He’d been sure that between billeting with Carleton and how intense pro hockey already seems that he’d never meet anyone. And now he’s scored several dates with Jackie before preseason starts.
No offense to Carleton, honestly. The guy’d opened his home to a dumb rookie before Hayden was even sure he’d be sticking around instead of getting punted to the minors, which was a huge confidence boost. But bringing a date back to your coworker/mentor’s house that you live in is barely a step below bringing them to your parents’ house. He’s glad Jackie moved in to her dorm so early, even if all they had done was stay up talking the first couple times he’d fallen asleep in there. He’d had to scramble to get out before curfew.
One time, Jackie had fallen asleep early and he’d had to sneak past the RAs on his own, not having the heart to wake her up. He’d left a note, wishing he could stay and cursing early-morning practices.
Jackie’s wicked smart, having just finished her two-year college program—CEGEP, he thinks it’s called?—and entering university for a three year program in international studies and French in the fall. Hayden’s pretty sure, at least. The Quebec education system still confuses him, but considering that a) he didn’t go to either US or Canadian college, and b) he’s gonna get paid to take knocks to the head, he figures that it’s not too surprising that he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t need to in order to know how cool Jackie is.
She has siblings, which is good; Hayden can’t date an only child. She’s almost a year older than him, and his teammates keep teasing him, calling her a cougar and a cradle-robber. He’s not sure how he feels about that, but they’re just messing with him. He can handle a little razzing from his teammates. He doesn’t tell Jackie. He doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, or have her think he can’t defend her.
Their birthdays are only a couple days apart, though—his is December 28th and hers is January 3rd—which he privately thinks is kinda cute. Maybe—hopefully—if they’re still together by then, they can celebrate together.
He’s pretty sure they will be. Their first date had been like, five hours long. He’d invited her on a hike, but it had ended up being more of a glorified hill and they’d finished the trail in under an hour. But they’d lingered at the trailhead, and then again at her car, and then again outside of Carleton’s house where Jackie had, ostensibly, been dropping him off. She’d then casually mentioned a farmer’s market downtown she’d been wanting to check out. Hayden had asked if she wanted company, also oh-so-casual. They’d ended up walking all over downtown, Jackie giving him an impromptu tour of his new home city. They’d returned to the farmers’ market hungry and satisfyingly tired, and had whiled away at least another hour eating dinner from a Thai food truck, since neither of them had ever tried Thai food before.
Hayden’s not sure the conversation died once. Jackie’s just—easy to talk to. He doesn’t think he ever wants to stop.
------
[June 2018]
Click.
“Is she with you?” Jackie’s voice is frantic, and Shane doesn’t miss the pronoun.
He looks at Hayden through the open door to his guest room, where he’d retreated to take Jackie’s call. She’s on the couch, leaning forward with her hands clasped and elbows resting on her knees, staring emptily at the ground in front of her. He keeps his voice level. “Yeah, she’s here.”
“Can I—can I talk to her?”
When Shane’s phone had lit up with Jackie’s name, Shane had expected Hayden to flinch. To start hyperventilating again. Instead, she’d just reached for the phone with a scarily vacant expression, her hand moving like it was independent of her brain. Shane had caught her wrist right as she grabbed the phone and asked if Hayden wanted him to talk to Jackie first and report back. Hayden hadn’t nodded, or acknowledged that Shane spoke at all beyond releasing her grip on the phone. It’d scared the shit out of him, to the point where he’d needed to keep a sightline even as he retreated out of earshot.
To Jackie, he says, “Why don’t you talk to me first, for a bit? I think it might be smart to plan what you’re going to say so you don’t hurt Hayden.”
“That’s not fair, Shane, he’s my husband—shit.”
“Yeah.” He looks down, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“How are you acting like this is so easy?”
Jackie sounds a little accusatory, but Shane tries to give the question its due. “I mean, she’s not my partner, Jackie. I have some distance. I think it’s fair that it’s hard for you, you just can’t put that on her.”
“So you’re saying you would have struggled more if Lily, whoever he is, came out as a woman?” This question comes out a little softer. Jackie sounds both pleading and defensive, as if she wants Shane to reassure her but doesn’t want to need the reassurance.
“I might have. But I wouldn’t have wanted to hurt him, so I would’ve relied on my friends and family to help me balance those.” Shane bites his lip, taking a bit of a gamble with the nudge.
“Dammit, Shane.” It comes out on an exhale, the rest of the tension seemingly leaving Jackie.
“Swear jar,” Shane ribs gently. Jackie lets out a soft huff of laughter.
“I was just surprised, Shane. I love Hay—her. I promise I’ll learn and I’ll get it right, I just have to see her and say I’m sorry. And the kids are still at my parents. We can talk, we can figure this out.”
Shane looks up at a knock on the door frame. Hayden’s standing there, looking a little better. “You were smiling,” she says. “Figured it couldn’t be too bad.”
He nods. Into the phone, he says, “Here she is, Jackie.”
Hayden takes the phone and says, “Hey, Jacks.” Shane can hear Jackie’s muffled voice saying hey, sweetheart over the line. They both sound choked up. Shane takes this as his cue to leave and gives Hayden one last look, trying to pour all of the reassurance and care and confidence into it that he can. She returns it, looking steadier than she has all night, and Shane pulls the door closed gently behind him.
------
“I don’t really know what to say,” Jackie admits. She hears Hayden let out a wet chuckle over the line.
“Me neither,” she says. “I didn’t exactly mean for it to come out like that. I didn’t want to blindside you.”
Jackie speaks carefully, keeping Shane’s words in mind. “I think it would’ve caught me by surprise no matter what, honestly.”
Hayden sounds rueful. “Yeah.”
The pause is heavy. She hears Hayden shift, clear her throat a little. “Are the kids settled?”
“They’re still at my parents,” she tells her. “I didn’t want them to think something was wrong. And I—I didn’t know what to say to them.” She shifts, hoping that doesn’t land wrong.
“Nothing,” Hayden says immediately. “This is really big.” There’s a rustling, and Jackie can picture her running a hand through her hair like she always does. “Fuck, Jacks, we’re struggling with this. I’m not gonna put that on them.”
All at once, Jackie feels her heart crack open, releasing the flood of emotions that’s been building, banked, since she got up from the dinner table. She feels—she takes a moment to sort everything out. There’s relief at Hayden’s use of we, and her mind, a little shamefully, eases at the fact that Hayden doesn’t know what to say to the kids either. There’s still some confusion about what’s actually going on, and fear about what the future is gonna look like now.
There’s a lot of guilt. Hayden has been struggling, she’s known that Hayden was struggling, and she’d let them both down in a critical moment. God. Jackie leans forward and rests her head on the steering wheel, rubbing a hand over her pregnant belly. She’d done a couple laps around the neighborhood, realized she was stalling because she didn’t want to leave, and had come back to a clean kitchen and the note on the kitchen table. She’d rushed back out the door but had called Shane from the driveway, having been suddenly struck by the fear that Hayden wouldn’t want to see her.
The wave of emotions swirls around her, and she can feel a couple tears drop off her face.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.
Hayden sounds wary. “For what?”
“For letting you down,” she says honestly. She hears Hayden inhale a little. “You were struggling and I wasn’t there for you. Not in the way you needed.”
“Jacks…” Hayden trails off. “Fuck.” Her voice breaks in the middle of the word. Jackie hears her take a deep breath and let it out, only a little shaky. “I thought you were gonna say you couldn’t do this.”
Jackie wants to be shocked, wants to deny it vehemently. Instead, she says, quietly, “I want to try.”
“Me, too.” Hayden sounds relieved, hopeful in a way she hasn’t in some time. Jackie feels like shit all over again. Hayden continues, hesitant. “Should I—do you want me to—”
“Please come home.” She knows, at the end of the day, that she just wants her—spouse. Wife? She wants her spouse falling asleep next to her. Wife sounds a little weird, but she thinks it might grow on her.
------
Shane looks up when Hayden walks back in to the living room. He’d grabbed a book to try and keep himself from hearing any of their conversation, but he’s mostly been staring blankly at the page. Hayden walks towards him purposefully, and he stands up just in time for her to pull him into a fierce, tight hug.
“Thank you,” she whispers, squeezing him tighter before she lets him go. Her eyes are dry but red. She hands him his phone, and he blinks when he sees the call still running.
“She wanted to talk to you again,” Hayden explains. “I’m gonna grab my stuff and get out of here, though. Sleep in my own bed.”
Shane catches her shoulder and drags her into another hug. “Proud of you,” he says roughly. Hayden smiles, grabbing her bag and making her way out the door. Shane raises the phone to his ear. “Hey, Jackie. What’s up?”
“I asked her if she was in love with you before she told me, you know.” Jackie sounds wry.
“What?” Shane blinks.
She sighs. “She was having a hard time getting it out. I was trying to lighten the mood, you know? Worked a little too well, I think I shocked her into blurting it out.”
“I—huh.” Shane absolutely cannot process this right now.
Jackie’s voice grows a little frantic, like she’s trying to keep up the levity but her grip is slipping. “Hayd—she said she laughed because she wondered that too, because she always got jealous of you and Lily, and so me putting my foot in my mouth and asking the same thing just made it slip right out. Pretty—pretty funny.” Shane can hear her breath quicken. Shit.
This, at least, he knows how to respond to. “Breathe, Jackie. You’re okay.” He inhales exaggeratedly, not missing the fact that he’s now done this for both of them the way they’ve always done it for him.
Jackie’s breathing slows, hitching softly. “Thank you.” She sounds much more choked up than Hayden had looked when leaving.
“Of course. Hey, what’s up? That sounded like it went okay.”
“I—” she breaks off. “Can I even fix this, Shane?”
This pulls him up short a little. His mouth moves before he fully catches up. “If you look at it like a problem to be fixed, then no.”
Jackie inhales sharply at that.
Shane bites his lip. “I just mean—”
“No, you’re right,” Jackie says, cutting him off. “Fuck. She’s my partner. Whatever we do, we do it together.” She sounds resolved.
Shane smiles. “Then you’ll both be just fine.”
------
[September 2007]
Jackie can’t quite believe they just did that. Lying next to her on his narrowish queen, Hayden pants softly. She feels a small burst of pride at that, at the fact that she made a pro athlete lose his breath.
Hayden shifts, propping himself up to look at her. “Should I—did you—” he blushes, and Jackie bites her lip against the desire that rushes through her. “Was that good? Do you want…more?”
Jackie considers herself. It hadn’t felt quite like the rare, stifled times she’s done this to herself, but she’s pretty sure she—orgasmed. Came. Whatever. She knows Hayden had, shifting pleasantly at the sticky feeling between her legs. She smiles up at him. “It was good.”
Hayden beams back. “Yeah? For me, too.”
It sends another rush through her. She tugs him down on top of her, yanking a bit harder when he resists.
“I don’t want to crush you,” he protests, laughing slightly. She just fixes him with a deadpan look and tugs again, grinning smugly when he relents and blankets her body. They’re both a little sweaty, which isn’t gonna feel great when they separate, but for now, it feels amazing.
She still feels a little shock that they’d—done that. Had sex. She hadn’t arrived at Hayden’s billet house intending to take advantage of it being empty, Hayden’s teammate and his wife on a weekend away. She really had just come over to make the best of her copy of the new NHL 08 combined with his blanket permission on the use of Carleton’s PS3.
(She’s grateful that her oldest sister Lizzi had bought it for her on its release day, only at the game store to get a birthday gift for her husband but thinking of Jackie and braving the line anyways. She’s not sure Lizzi understands that Jackie can’t just stick the disc in her laptop like a movie, though.
On the other hand, coming over to Hayden’s had been a really good idea. She should send Lizzi a card.)
Hayden had just looked so—alive while they were playing. She’d gone pretty easy the first two rounds, not wanting to run the risk that beating him would make things awkward. He’d picked up on it halfway through the second and had restarted the game, saying he wanted to see what she can really do. She’d obliged, and had obliterated him thoroughly for the next two games.
The last, she’d lost again because she couldn’t take her eyes off the look on Hayden’s face. His eyes were alight with competition, his tongue poking out between his lips. He looked so excited, like he didn’t want to be anywhere but here getting his ass kicked at ‘Chel.
Now that she thinks about it, she’s actually not sure whether she lost or not, because she’d knocked both of their controllers aside to climb into Hayden’s lap instead. Probably they both forfeit. Hayden had looked up at her in such shock and awe before getting with the program and wrapping his arms around her to kiss her deeply. They’d stumbled down the stairs to his little basement mother-in-law suite, the TV still playing the pause music softly.
She shifts, the various fluids drying on her skin starting to get uncomfortable. Hayden pushes up immediately, and holds a hand out to pull her to her feet. He leads her to the bathroom, and her knees actually go a little wobbly when she sees her preferred shampoo and conditioner in his shower. He must have snuck a look at her portable shower caddy the last time they were in her dorm.
She still feels a little disbelief at how easily they’d thrown away the customs they were used to. She thinks, in the most private corner of her mind, that if this is what it gets her, she’ll throw them all out. She wants to discover how happy the two of them can get.
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[July 2018]
They’ve never really made a big deal of their anniversary—had forgotten it completely the first year, making it up by celebrating on April 9th instead of March 9th. Then they’d forgotten it again when the Metros made the playoffs the next year, March through June a whirlwind of exhilarated chaos. They’d agreed to celebrate on July 9th—well into the offseason and also the month they’d met—if the Metros make the playoffs and April 9th if they don’t. Hayden knows she and Jackie had both felt quiet relief at being able to separate their anniversary a little from the clusterfuck that was their wedding.
Since Shane joined, and the Metros started making the playoffs more often than not, July 9th has become their de facto anniversary. Hayden loves it, usually goes all out with no hockey to get in their way. The day she’d met Jackie was the happiest day of her life; the births of their kids tied for a close second. Their wedding is probably somewhere in the top ten, still, but she can’t be bothered to figure out whether or not it beats winning the Stanley Cup. Both times. Anyways, she usually tries to incorporate an element from one of their first dates every year, giddy over the markers of how much they’ve grown together since that first whirlwind summer.
This year is their 10th anniversary. And she and Jackie are curled up on the couch eating takeout, watching When Harry Met Sally in the middle of summer, the kids asleep upstairs.
She hadn’t been able to hide her relief when Jackie has asked if they could do something low-key this year. It’s only been a week since she had come out to Jackie, and putting on a suit and having a night on the town as husband-and-wife sounds exhausting in a way it never had before.
Thai food and their shared favorite rom-com has been much more enjoyable.
Hayden’s curled into Jackie with her head on Jackie’s collarbone, one arm supporting Jackie’s lower back and the other resting casually on Jackie’s baby bump. Jackie’s arm is around Hayden’s shoulders with her hand on Hayden’s bicep, keeping her tucked in close.
They’ve been in this position before, but it’s usually the other way around and it feels—different, this time. Hayden feels held, and…and delicate, almost. It’s strange. She doesn’t think she’s ever felt delicate in her life. She wonders if this is why women like being held like this, because right now it feels like Jackie could and would fight off the entire world while still holding her with the other.
Shit, women who like being held like this includes her now. It’s a bit of a trip.
She shifts against a pulse of nerves that Jackie doesn’t like this position, is merely tolerating it for Hayden’s sake.
“Comfy?” Jackie whispers.
“I really like this position,” Hayden confesses. “Are you comfy? We can move.”
Jackie instantly pulls her in tighter with the hand on her arm. “No, stay.”
Hayden looks up at her, a little surprised at the force. Jackie’s cheeks pink and she looks away.
“You’re cute like this,” she tells the wall. She looks back down at Hayden. “I haven’t seen you this blissed out in forever. You keep…” she trails off, looking flushed again.
Hayden furrows her brows. Had she been doing something? “What?”
“You’re like—don’t get embarrassed—making these little noises? You sound super content, almost like a purring cat.” She brushes a finger under Hayden’s chin. “Like I said, cute.”
Hayden looks at her, dumbstruck. She’d had no idea she was making noise at all. She can’t remember the last time she was so unaware of her own body. Certainly not since she joined the league. Maybe not since before she started hockey at all.
She’d always chalked it up to the whole athlete of it all. Of course she’s aware of her body, she’s honed that awareness, cultivated it to keep herself in top form. It’s a sign of skill. Of peak performance.
The idea that her awareness of her body has shifted with her awareness of her gender is a little terrifying.
Hayden hasn’t spoken in too long, and Jackie looks a little worried. She bites her lip. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, Hayd. I’m sorry.”
Hayden shakes her head, opening her mouth to say she hadn’t been uncomfortable. She reconsiders. “Wasn’t your fault. Freaked myself out a little.”
Jackie’s eyes are soft. “Wanna talk about it?”
Hayden shrugs, settling back into position. “The gender stuff is…hard to put into words sometimes. Not right now, but maybe eventually?” She cranes her neck to look at Jackie. “But thank you.”
Jackie kisses her forehead in understanding, and when Hayden looks back at the screen, starts running her fingers through where Hayden’s impulsive fade has mostly grown back out to her normal length. It’s nice. Hayden lets it feel nice.
------
[October 2007]
Hayden bursts out of the doors to the staff parking lot, feeling electric. They’d won. They’d won. His first win as a pro hockey player, and it was the first home game of the regular season. He feels like he could fly.
His pace quickens when he sees Jackie at the curb leaning against her car, and he drops his bag to spin her, grinning uncontrollably as she shrieks with laughter and grabs his shoulders. He puts her down and pulls her into a quick kiss, mindful of the fact that he’d only quickly rinsed off.
Jackie pulls back to look at him. “You’re sweaty,” she tells him seriously. She wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him into a deeper kiss, making his brain white out.
He blames that for what comes out of his mouth next. “Marry me,” he mumbles against her mouth.
“Yes,” Jackie says, just as muffled.
There’s a pause. They both pull back, and Hayden’s relieved to see that Jackie looks as sheepish as he feels.
“I mean—” he starts.
“It’s okay if—” Jackie says at the same time. They both pause again, waiting for the other to speak, then break down into giggles. Jackie thunks her head on his shoulder. “You first,” she says into his shirt.
Hayden inhales deeply. “I mean it,” he says against her hair. He feels her breath catch. “I didn’t exactly mean to do it like this, but I’ve got a ring at home.”
Jackie looks up at that, mouth parted. They’re almost the same height, which makes him kinda glad that she doesn’t seem to like heels very much, but it does mean that they’re nearly eye-to-eye. This close, it makes his stomach swoop.
“You do?” Jackie asks, breathless.
He nods. “I do.”
She flushes at the same time he does, both of them hearing the secondary meaning. He looks away, biting his lip. “It’s okay if it’s too soon—”
Jackie catches his face, guiding him to look back at her. “I meant it, too. Yes, Hayd. Let’s get married.”
Hayden, horrifyingly, feels his eyes start to well up. He takes his turn burying his head in Jackie’s shoulder. “Fuck, don’t tell the guys I cried during this part,” he chokes out, almost certainly getting her shirt damp.
Jackie lets out a bright peal of laughter, running a hand over the back of his head. “I won’t tell your parents you’ve picked up a swearing habit, either.”
Hayden’s head shoots up in dismay. “Oh fuck me, I haven’t introduced you to my parents.”
Jackie throws her head back and cackles.