Chapter Text
Gerard knew as soon as he hit puberty that things weren't happening for him the same way they happened for everyone else. He didn't like keeping his hair or nails short like most of the boys did. He didn't like the sound of his voice when it started dropping, he didn't like his stubble, or the width of his shoulders, or the size of his hands and stomach. Everything started feeling alien and wrong as soon as he hit fourteen, and now that he was eighteen, he wasn't sure of who he was anymore.
For the most part, he'd leave it alone and try not to think about it or look at himself in the mirror too much, just so he could forget about how weird it all felt.
He followed his instincts, his passions, and did what he wanted to do, as much as it was allowed. He figured that when it came down to the core of things, he had two options: live his truth, or try and fit in with the crowd. He didn't give too many fucks about fitting in, turns out.
He made friends with the people he found to be cool to hang out with, hated back anyone that hated him, and did his best to survive; which was a challengingtask when just existing had him being hunted for sport almost on a daily basis. For the most part, he tried to keep it lowkey, but by God, he had a fucking mouth and two working hands and he intended to use them if he needed to. He was not going to let people get away with making his life hell any more than he already had.
Least of all when his brother was involved.
So, as fate would have it, the one fucking time Ray and Frank aren't there to walk them home from school as usual, (Frank had started a part time job at a VHS rental store not long ago, and Ray was leaving for a family trip), Gerard finds himself in a tight spot. He's getting stuff yelled at him from the usual suspects just hanging out in a driveway two blocks from his house. They've been doing it for the better part of three months now, so it's nothing he gives much of a fuck about anymore.
But this time, they also start trailing him and Mikey.
They laugh and throw stones at their backpacks from a short distance, saying things Gerard has heard a thousand times before. But then, someone says something about him and Mikey. Something about him doing something to his baby brother.
He can't stand it. He sees red, and by the time he gets back to his senses, he's throwing a rock at someone's head. He freezes when he sees that blood starts pouring down the guy’stemple, staining the collar of his light blue polo shirt.
Mikey gets a running headstart as four people descend on Gerard like hellfire.
He falls to the pavement and bends into himself to avoid getting his organs ruined or his ribs broken. Most of the kicking lands on his back, and a few get to his head, the back of his arms and hands. He manages to keep his face unscathed, save from biting his own cheek so he wouldn't scream out in pain.
By the time Mikey manages to get his parents to him, Gerard's left on the pavement, alone. His head hurts, his back hurts, everything hurts; and he can taste blood. But he catches his breath and stands up anyway, recounts what happened through gritted teeth to his dad as he helps him home, and then into the car.
The whole ordeal boils down to a couple hours in the hospital, a full eight hours avoiding falling asleep, and a fuckton of painkillers. And although he thinks he should be owed some leniency because he got beat the fuck up, his parents insist that hitting someone in the head with a rock is just unnacceptable behavior, a fact they become privy to because their fucking neighbor has the gall to complain to them about the stitches her son had to get.
Never a mention of her son's homophobic tendencies, of course. "Boys will be boys" law was applied, and as such, Gerard is grounded for the spring break.
He's forbidden from the computer, and he's definitely not allowed to have anybody come over. Least of all Frank, because "he's a bad influence and you were never violent before meeting that kid". Ray is on vacation, and Gerard doesn't have any other friends that he would be okay being at his house with. He's very picky about who gets to enter his space.
He's considering jumping off the roof headfirst into the driveway by the third day of spring break. He's bored, in pain, and Mikey does get to go out and ride his bike around the neighborhood, so he can't just sit there and play games or draw with him all day.
Gerard sits on the sidewalk and watches him go around the block with his friends, worried the bullies will get to him and he'll be hurt by association. But then again, he didn't want to believe anyone would be as shitty as to beat up a fourteen year old just because his brother was fucking weird. He also thinks it's a little bit pathetic that he is so dependent on Mikey to pass the time. He should be out there doing stuff dudes his age do. Like, getting a part time job or getting his license, or kissing someone.
Preferably someone with hazel eyes, tattoos and a mohawk. But that was neither here nor there.
But then, there's something that does work in his favor by the end of the second week of spring break. His parents are of the belief that Gerard would enjoy assisting to a wedding, so when Thursday rolls up, he's informed that he'll spend the weekend alone; because he's grounded and they think that staying behind is a bigger punishment for him than making him dress up and witness straight people dancing to shit music while professing love eternal to each other.
He can't believe his luck, and he's even a little offended that his parents don't know him by now. They take the internet cable like it means fucking anything, but he's alone for the weekend.
The first thing he does is give Frank a call. Frank's at work, so he leaves a message with his sister to go to Gerard's after he's done.
He stands in the driveway, waving his parents and Mikey away, holding back a wide smile.
*****
Clack. Clack. Clack.
Gerard huffs and getsoff his bed, making a beeline to his window. Another pebble clacks against it before he opens it.
"Cut it out," he barks. He knows who's throwing stones at his window, nobody else would dare. "I'm alone, just come in."
He hears a vague whooping sound and something thudding against the floor under his window before the front door opens, then closes again.
In the time it takes him to get back to his bed and sit down, a flurry of steps runs up the stairwell.
Frank is screaming at the top of his lungs, and he flops on the bed, half his bodyweight on Gerard. "I missed you!!"
"Dude fuck-- ow," Gerard laughs. "Chill the fuck out."
"Just say you missed me too, bitch."
"No," he giggles, and Frank makes a noise that sounds half like a wail and half like a groan before he kisses him on the cheek.
"I haven't seen you in two fucking weeks."
"I haven't seen anyone in two fucking weeks."
Frank sits up and against the headboard. "Where is everyone?"
"They left for the weekend for a wedding. Some friends of my mom's."
Frank leans his head against Gerard's shoulder and looks at him. "Why didn’t they make you go?"
"I almost killed a guy." He picks up one of Franks' hands and inspects it. "Did you get another tattoo?"
"Yeah," he grins.
Gerard looks at the phrase on Frank's wrist.
"Cheesy. But it's nice."
"You're just jealous that you'll never be cool enough for body mods."
"Fuck you," he bites Franks' forearm, making him yelp.
"Yo, I got something else you can bite on, asshole."
"You'd love that, freak."
Frank giggles and kisses his cheek again. "I fucking missed you. Stop getting grounded."
"If people stopped pissing me the fuck off."
Frank turns on his side and pulls a leg over Gerard's middle. "What happened? Mikey said you hit someone with a rock because they said something gross."
"Basically that." He pulls an arm around Frank's shoulders and he can feel him scoot closer. He always got ten times as clingy whenever they spent more than three days apart. "Get your shoes off."
"I've been on my feet all afternoon, my socks are all sweaty."
"Whatever, get them off too. I can give you a pair."
Frank does as he’s told and kicks his sneakers off. Then he pulls off his socks. And he thinks for a moment before he pulls his studded belt off, too.
"Can I stay the weekend?" He asks as he looks through Gerard's underwear drawer for a pair of socks.
Gerard shrugs. "Yeah."
"Let's get pizza."
"I’on have any money."
Frank squints at him. "Did they leave you food?"
"Mac and cheese and some other shit," Gerard says, sitting up and getting off the bed so they can go downstairs. "I didn't really check."
"I have money, let's get pizza and beers." Frank intercepts Gerard and looks at him. "You got taller."
"No, I didn't," Gerard giggles. Having someone so close after two weeks of solitary confinement is making him a little nervous.
Frank pulls his arms around Gerard's waist and leans in. "Yeah you did. My lips are up to your lips now. They used to be up to your nose."
Gerard's hands press on each of his cheeks, making him pout. "You'll grow up someday too."
"I doubt that," he says, making a kissy face. Gerard laughs but doesn't kiss him. Frank makes another noise, irritated, and hugs him tighter.
Gerard laughs harder and kisses him, finally.
They get downstairs and Gerard finds one of his favorite mixtapes to play while Frank orders some pizza. They sit on the couch while they wait, catching up on whatever Gerard missed in the weeks he's been grounded, while Frank spends a good deal of the time he's talking also examining a bruise on Gerard's arm. He doesn't say anything about it, but he holds his hand over it softly, caressing it like it would somehow make it heal faster.
"Did Ray ask Lily out or nah?"
"Yeah actually. She bounced him off."
"No fucking waaaay, really? Why?"
Frank shrugs., "Said she's into someone else."
"Who?"
Frank raises an eyebrow and looks at Gerard pointedly. He frowns. "You?"
Frank laughs. "No, you."
"Fuck off, no she isn't."
"I'm serious."
Gerard snorts. "He should've told her I'm not interested anyway."
"He did, and she called him an asshole for saying you're gay. Like that was the only way you wouldn't be into her. So I think he isn't into her anymore."
"Did Ray tell you all this?"
"No, I was there," he giggles. "I heard the whole thing. I said you weren't looking for a date, she wouldn't back down. Said you could still like girls."
Gerard makes a face. "I can like a girl, that doesn't mean I'll like her preppy ass. Also, you gotta be blind to say no to Ray because of me."
Frank groans. "Shut up, you're literally the hottest guy in our group."
"Yeah, after Ray," Gerard says with a grin that dissolves into laughter the moment he looks at Franks' offended expression.
"You're such a dick," he says, laughing a bit too. Gerard can tell he's a bit hurt regardless, so he cups Franks' cheek and kisses the other one.
"You can take my spot as second hottest, I don't want it."
"Mmm," Frank looks away. "Whatever."
"Dude," Gerard laughs and pulls him into a hug. "I was kidding, you know everyone's after you."
"I don't care what everybody else thinks. I care what you think."
Gerard sighs. "I think you're very handsome."
"If you say it like that it sounds like you just want me to shut up."
"Frankie..." he rolls his eyes. "Don't start."
Frank stays quiet, his face hidden against Gerard's neck. They stay silent for a while, and Gerard repeats "you're very handsome. And I could never date Ray, he's like my older brother."
"He's also not into dudes."
"Yeah, well. Didn't you say that shouldn't stop anyone?"
Frank giggles. "It wouldn't stop me, but I have no self respect."
Gerard hums. His stomach grumbles and Frank leans back, to look at him. "Did you eat at all today?"
"I think so. Like, I had breakfast around eleven."
"It's almost eight," he sighs and looks pained. He stands and stomps off to the kitchen. "You seriously cannot keep doing this."
Gerard stands and trails after him, dragging his feet. "Yeah I know. I just forgot."
Frank is looking through the cabinets and trying to find anything he could make a snack out of. He finds popcorn kernels and half a tub of peanut butter. "Sure you do. But your body doesn't."
Gerard leans against the counter as he looks at Frank start making popcorn. "I don't do it on purpose."
"You don't?" He drops the pot on the fire a bit too harshly.
"No. I uh... It kinda hurts moving around too much. And also... my stomach. It hurts less if I don't eat."
Frank stays silent, waiting for the oil to warm up "They fucked you up, huh? I want them dead."
Gerard hums. "It's fine."
"It's not, stop saying it is. It's not fine that you have to live like this."
"Yeah, well, it is what it is."
Frank puts the lid on the pot and sighs.
A few minutes later Frank makes the caramel and mixes in a few scoops of peanut butter, then mixes it all together and pours it on a bowl to cool down.
"Oh right, I brought a couple horror movies." He goes to find his backpack that he had left on the floor by the front door, and brings it over to the couch. "I brought... Pumpkinhead, Nightmare on Elm Street and uh... Cemetery Man."
"Uuhh... we've seen Nightmare like eighteen times. Put on the new one."
"Cemetery Man?"
"Yeah." Gerard starts eating popcorn and realises how hungry he is. "Did the pizza place give you an estimate?"
"Uh, forty five minutes?" Frank crouches in front of the vhs player and puts the movie in. "It should be here in a bit."
He sits back on the couch and Gerard pulls an arm over his shoulders. He looks at him and kisses his cheek. "Thank you".
Frank smiles. "What for?"
Gerard shrugs. "Everything."
Frank kisses him briefly. "You owe me."
Gerard snorts. "What do I owe you?"
"A blowjob, maybe."
He hums and eats popcorn, "If you wash your dick."
Frank raises his eyebrows. "What, forreal?"
Gerard looks at him out of the corner of his eye and smirks. "Maybe more."
"Dude, don't fucking play with me."
Gerard looks at him amused, but doesn't say anything else.
The pizza does arrive some ten minutes later and they sit on the floor, in front of the coffee table. They have a beer each and when they're done, they pause the movie and step out into the backyard for a smoke. The night is clear and the weather is getting warmer. They just sit on the grass side by side. Gerard lays back and groans. "I'm so fuckin full."
"Good." Frank sits criss-cross applesauce and he leans back on his hands. He looks up to the sky, the cigarette hanging from his lips. Gerard looks at him and memorizes his profile so he can draw it later.
He looks up to the stars as well after a moment, and they smoke in silence. At some point, Frank lays back as well and they just stargaze for what feels like hours, but it's probably just a few minutes. Frank's hand finds Gerard's and he picks it up, starts playing with his fingers.
"I wrote you somethin'. Like, a letter that tries to be a poem but it never rhymes, so I don't know what it is."
"Really? Cool. I'll draw you something."
Frank smiles as well. "Alright, I'll show it to you before sleep."
Gerard notices he's wide awake, and he probably won't fall asleep until very late. "Why not now?"
"Cause I don't wanna see you read it, it's embarrassing."
"Awww," Gerard turns to his side and laughs. "Widdle baby gets embawassed."
"Shut the fuck up." Frank pushes him away with a laugh. "Dickhead."
Gerard laughs. "I didn't think you had the abilityto get awkward."
"I don't. I just don't write very well."
"Yeah, and I draw like shit, what's your point?"
"You don't. You got way better this last year."
"The point is doing it. The point is you can't get good if you don't do it more. I'm sure I'll like what you wrote. I always do."
Frank kisses him briefly. "How much did that hurt to say?"
"I have three new ulcers," Gerard admits with a giggle. "Let's go finish the movie."
They sort of finish the movie. There's a couple sex scenes and well, they get distracted. Some fifteen minutes or so before the end, and after Frank had been stealing brief kisses all throughout, Gerard finally caves in. He's been progressively getting hornier the whole night, even more so after two weeks of absolutely no contact.
He's tired of waiting. He's old enough, and there's no one in the world that he trusts more than Frank. No matter his hangups with his body, he can trust Frank won't make him feel any worse.
This can happen and it won't be bad. He wants it. Frank wants it.
It'll be okay.
But he hasn't showered all day and he probably smells like shit, and he knows Frank is a bit more experienced and he probably expects things to turn out a certain way. So he's nervous to some extent. However, the weight of Frank on him takes his mind off it enough until the credits start rolling and Frank's hands sneak under his shirt and run up his stomach and chest. Then he starts kissing and biting on Gerard's neck and his blood boils almost instantly, but he needs to take that fucking shower.
"Wait. Frankie, wait," he gasps, hating himself for it. "I uh... I have to shower. I can't do it like this.”
Frank leans away from him, a drunk look on his face, his lips wet with spit. "Uh... yeah. Yeah. Okay." He sits back and winces. "I should take one too."
Geraed sits up and winces as well. "Uhm... do... you wanna shower together?"
"Depends." He clears his throat. "If I'm bottoming, no."
Gerard feels his neck getting red. "I honestly wasn't thinking of the logistics, I just thought I haven't showered in two days."
Frank snorts. "That doesn't bother me. But there's still stuff we should do to do this safely and comfortably. I really don't wanna shit the bed. Like, proverbially and--"
"Oh come on, eugh. Boner killer." Gerard stands and stalks off to the guest bedroom on the ground floor, as Frank follows laughing.
"Hey, wait. Really. We need to talk it out."
"Talk what out?"
"Do you wanna top or nah?"
Gerard looks at him. "I dunno. I've never done either thing."
"We'll figure it out, see what feels right." He kisses his cheek. "We can shower together if you want. We'll see each other buck naked and all, that should tide you over."
"Like I haven't seen your ass and dick before," Gerard sighs, then he walks into the en-suite bathroom.
"It's not the same with everything else off, believe me."
Gerard makes another annoyed noise and gets the shower going.
"Do you promise not to freak the fuck out?" he says in a low voice. "Like... my back probably looks bad."
Frank closes the door to the bathroom as well, and leans against it. "I won't freak out."
"That includes crying," Gerard warns, facing him before starting to pull his shirt off.
"I'll cry if I fucking want to." Frank mumbles, taking his own shirt off. The tattoos on his hips make Gerard's eyes zero inon them and he can't keep his eyes off him as he starts kicking off his jeans.
"Eyes are up here," Frank smirks.
Gerard snaps out of it and kicks his own pants off. "Yeah, I know."
He hesitates before pulling down his boxers, then he immediately turns and walks into the shower.
He can hear Frank huffing and puffing behind him as he gets under the hot stream of water. The soreness on his back and limbs gets more intense for a few seconds before his muscles loosen up.
If getting naked wasn't such a harrowing experience, he'd love to take showers more often. Somehow, Frank being there wasn't as awful as he expected. They'd seen most of each other, yeah, so it wasn't a big deal. But he still liked to shower with his eyes closed even when he was alone.
He stays close to the wall with his head down, letting the water soak his hair and warm his bruised back. He feels Frank hugging him from behind, resting his head on the crook of his shoulder.
"I really want them fucking dead."
"You want a lot of people dead." Gerard uncrosses his arms and reaches for the soap so he can start lathering up a loofah, eyes squinting against the water and pain on his muscles.
"And all of them for good reasons." Frank kisses the top of Gerard's shoulder. "I would legit burn them alive, stab them, then take a piss on their grave."
"And what good would that make us?"
"Revenge." He leans his forehead against Gerard's back and rubs against it like a cat. It makes Gerard's stomach clench with endearment.
He knows Frank has a very hard time dealing with injustice, and most of all when it comes to his loved ones. Gerard is very much the same way.
He wants to give him some sort of revenge, however small, but he doesn't care enoughto get it for himself. As far as he's concerned, staying alive was spiteful enough.
"Can we do something that won't land you in jail for first degree murder?"
Frank hums and presses his body flush against Gerard's. "I dunno. Let's break into their house and shit their bed."
"What the fuck," Gerard laughs and moves so Frank can start washing up as well. "That would also mean jailtime."
"I ain't afraid of a lil breaking and entering."
He puts the loofah on Frank's head and snorts. "I really don't think they're worth a second of our freedom."
Frank grabs the loofah and starts washing himself. "Yyou're way too nice to these fucking nazis."
"I don't know they're nazis," Gerard sighs, starting to wash his hair. "They're just shit people. There's a lot more of those."
"Same fucking difference, man. They're homophobes and racists. They keep giving shit to Ray too."
"It doesn't fucking matter what they are, Frankie. I never expected them to like me, I don't need them to like me. It almost makes me feel good that people like them hate me."
Frank stays quiet and washes his face a little too aggressively before groaning. "They still should die, I'm just saying"
Gerard snorts, putting on conditioner. "They will, someday."
"I can't wait that long, let me kill them," Frank says with a smirk. He leans in for a kiss. "I'll run them over with your dad's car. And then we can elope and live on the run."
"You're convinced that's romantic, huh?"
"Better than getting you flowers."
"Yeah, I dunno about that." Gerard kisses him as well, then steps off the shower. "Maybe let's just get high and egg their house."
"Okay, I can work with that." Frank starts washing his hair as Gerard dries himself off and puts on deodorant. "Hey, I wanna dye my hair tomorrow."
"What color?" Gerard asks. "I think I have bleaching powder left."
"I was thinking red. Like, wine red. Don't think I need to bleach for that."
"Cool. Yeah, we can go to the mall tomorrow."
"Five finger discount?" Frank steps out of the shower and grabs a towel for himself as well.
Gerard grins. "If you don't get caught."
He lends Frank some clothes he can wear to bed and they take the guest bedroom, since Gerard and Mikey's room had single beds. Gerard brings his cassette player over and they spend a while looking for a mixtape they both agree on. They bust the window open, Frank rolls a joint and they sit on the windowsill, on their underwear and a shirt, sharing it.
Some twenty minutes later, Frank sings along to The Trooper by Iron Maiden so terribly that Gerard has a giggle fit, falling back against the pillows, wincing because of his back pain. Frank starts laughing as well and soon enough, they're both out of breath.
"Man. I'm never gonna make it as a singer," Frank says with a sigh, wiping off a tear of laughter.
"Like anybody cares about how good the singer of a punk band is."
"Ouch," he giggles and leans up on his elbow, looking down at Gerard. "Do you wanna sing in my band? You've got a great voice."
"No, thanks," Gerard shakes his head, scrunching up his nose. "I don't want people looking at me."
Frank bites his lower lip, his eyes dancing around Gerard's face. "Everyone would fall in love with you. You're so pretty."
"Am not," Gerard giggles.
"Are too," he leans in to kiss him. "Pretty boy."
"Shut up." He wraps his arm around Frank's neck and pulls him down just so he'll stop staring at him like that. It was making his neck feel hot.
"Take a fucking compliment," Frank laughs and bites his cheek. "Little shit."
"Yeah or what?" He pokes his fingers into Frank's side, making him laugh.
"I'm gonna suck you dry." He starts kissing down Gerard's jaw and then his neck.
"Ain't that convenient for you," Gerard half gasps, holding Frank's hip.
Frank straddles him and kisses him deep and hard, his hands sinking into Gerard's still wet hair and scraping lightly at his scalp. "I'm not hearing you say no."
"Cause I haven't." He grins and runs his hands up Frank's back as he lets him kiss at his neck and down his chest more insistently.
The next morning, Gerard wakes up to an empty bed. He sits up and yawns. The window is still open and the sun is hitting his eyes, making him wince. His mouth feels dry and pasty and he feels like shit.
He stands and walks down the hallway to the kitchen. He can hear music playing and the clattering of utensils, his head throbs a bit with the noise.
"G'morning sunshine," Frank says with a grin. "I made coffee."
"Morning." Gerard grabs a mug and gets kissed on the cheek. He's suddenly aware of his morning breath and sips on some coffee hopingit'll make his tongue feel less heavy. "What are you cooking?"
"Pancakes," Frank grins. "I called my mom and asked her how. She says hi."
Gerard hums. "I should learn how to make those."
"It's really easy. We can make 'em at home when you're a free man again"
He nods and sips on his coffee. He swallows and clears his throat. "I'm gonna go get changed."
"Aight."
He goes up the stairs and into his, and Mikey's room. He finds shorts and a shirt, and then grabs his sketchbook and pencil case before going back downstairs.
Frank is leaning on the counter, eating a pancake. Gerard sits at the table with his coffee and opens his sketchbook, then starts scribbling.
"What's that?" Frank asks, amused.
"I had a dream last night."
Frank freezes and gets off the counter. "Oh?"
"Something about that weird fuckin’ movie we watched." Gerard looks at Frank briefly, taking in the shape of his eyebrows. "But you were the girl and I was the Gravekeeper."
Frank sits next to him and leans in so he can look at what Gerard is doing. "Huh."
"You ate me." Gerard sips on his coffee, then looks at Frank's nose, trying to figure out the shape. "But I was okay with it."
Frank hums. "I wouldn't eat you. I don't eat meat," and pushes a plate of pancakes in front of Gerard. "They're okay, try ‘em."
"In a minute."
Frank leans his chin on his hand. "You can draw and eat."
"Ssshh."
Gerard draws for the better part of the morning, his pancakes go cold, and Frank opts for watching the news and laying on the couch instead of sitting there waiting for him to eat.
When Gerard's done with the drawing, he kinda hates it, but he closes the sketchbook and stops looking at it to get some distance from it. He puts the pancakes and coffee in the microwave and then joins Frank on the couch. He hands him the sketchbook and sits down.
"There's new stuff on it. I drew a buncha shit this past week."
"Aw you remembered I exist," he snorts and opens the sketchbook, looking at it intently. He looks for the most recent drawing right away, and his smile widens. It's him, as a zombie, a guitar neck spearing his chest from behind.
"That's fucking sick. I love it."
"I fucked up your face, but I guess a zombie needs to look wonky."
"I mean, yeah. But it's... like, you're really leaning into your style. Like, it's getting consistent. I love it. Can I keep it?"
"I made it for you."
Frank rips the page off the sketchbook carefully. "Thank you. Did you like the pancakes?"
"Mmhm," Gerard looks at him, his cheeks full. Frank smiles, wide and lovely.
"Chipmunk ass," he teases.
"Short ass," Gerard flips him off.
"Fuck you."
"You wish."
"I mean... if you wanna."
Gerard coughs, then drinks a sip of reheated coffee. "Maybe."
"Yeah?" Frank leans in, eyebrows raised, teasing.
"I mean, eventually."
"Alright. We should head to the mall for that hair dye.”
"Okay. Let 's go."
Frank has a bike, and he likes driving Gerard around on it, even though Gerard has one as well that he can follow him on. So he stands on the back of Frank's bike, his hands planted firmly on his shoulders as they go.
Gerard feels free in moments like these. He feels like this does fit the type of moments he should be having. Just letting himself be taken places, warm air on his face, the sun bearing down on him, Frank's giggles breaking the silence of his neighborhood during a Friday morning whenever they swerve to avoid a pothole.
Every moment with Frank felt normal, meant to happen, but also special and irrepeatable. It felt safe, it felt like home. It felt like life was good.
The notion makes him want to cry, but he's not sure why. He digs his fingers into Frank's shoulders when he gets overwhelmed with a need to jump off the bike, break his neck, and die. But he hangs on for dear fucking life instead, as this dumb fucking kid driving the bike zigzags and laughs like a maniac and sing-screams all the way to the mall.
They manage to steal hair dye without getting caught, and they get a popsicle to celebrate. They share it because they're out of the orange ones Frank likes and he refuses to get a grape one because it tastes nothing like grape and it pisses him off.
They sit in the parking lot and they only get one slur thrown at them, which is a feat, all things considered. They're sitting very close to each other, Gerard has his hair up in a bun because it's warm out, and they take turns to lick on a phallic shaped object. Gerard guesses it was an easy picking if anything.
In any case, he never gave much of a fuck about being called slurs. Frank had more of an issue with it, but he’ was in a good mood today so he didn't mind too much. He just flipped the passing car off and kept sucking on their popsicle until the coloring and flavor of it was gone at the tip, leaving just a chunk of pale ice behind.
"That's a dick move. I'm just chewing on ice here," Gerard says, making a disgusted face.
Frank shrugs and gives him a lopsided smile. "I just can't help i'm good at sucking."
"God, you're so horny," Gerard smacks him on the arm. "Maybe I should be shoving the popsicle down your pants, see if you cool the fuck off."
Frank giggles. "I think you secretly like it."
"Oh yeah?" he raises his eyebrows and looks at Frank, unimpressed. "I think you're just hoping I do."
He leans in closer and lowers his voice, his eyes lazily scanning Gerard's face "No, I know you do."
Gerard blushes. He returns the popsicle to Frank."...whatever."
They go back to Gerard's and he feels awkward. He doesn't know how to act, what to do, what to say, or if he should say anything, because he feels that after the heavy petting that took place the night before, and the following flirting during the day, the air was charged.
He opens his sketchbook and scribbles aimlessly while folded up on the couch. Frank just plays one of the other movies he rented and sits down next to Gerard, in silence.
He rolls another joint, and they smoke with the windows and back door open. Then Frank makes more peanut butter popcorn when they get the munchies, and they chill most of the day like that.
Smoking, chatting, watching movies and just laying around. Frank doesn't work weekends, so they're free to do nothing all they want.
Gerard is too aware of himself at first, but as the afternoon progresses, he settles in. Frank's presence eases him out of the stiffness in his limbs when their fingers interlock and he notices there's really no pressure to have anything happen.
There's no rush to have sex, because Frank rests his head on Gerard's shoulder, and yawns. He says something about a movie prop looking sick, totally invested in just being there and being close.
Gerard is more interested in the shape of his browbone and the angle of his nose. Frank's cupid’s bow is so dramatically different depending on the angle. It's fascinating. But whenever Frank looks up, Gerard needs to look away. His eyes make him entirely too nervous.
After a while, Frank snoozes for a bit. Eventually, both of them do. When they wake up, the sun is coming down and orange light filters through the living room windows. The tv shines a bright blue.
"We should eat something," Frank says, stretching with a yawn. "I can make some mac and cheese."
Gerard feels weird, groggy. His head and back hurt very intensely and his mouth feels dry. "I feel like shit."
Frank looks at him, scratching his stomach and frowning. "What's wrong?"
"I dunno, I just feel like shit."
Frank nods. "You haven't eaten si-"
Gerard interrupts. "I'm not hungry."
Frank stays quiet. Then, he stands and grabs his cigarettes and steps outside. Gerard feels like shit still, so he only gets annoyed and walks to the kitchen and downs an entire bottle of water.
Turns out he was probably just dehydrated because he feels better almost instantly. And he also feels bad almost instantly.
He steps out to his backyard and finds Frank sitting against the one evergreen tree they have, looking at the sunset.
He sits next to him and leans back against the trunk, his legs stretched out. "Sorry I snapped at you."
Frank hums in acknowledgement, his face away from Gerard. "You think no one can tell, but I can. You're not eating."
Gerard stays silent because he doesn't have anything to say. Yes, he didn't think anyone would notice. He didn't think it was a big deal, either. He did eat, just once a day. His favorite food was breakfast food. And he liked snacks. It wasn't that big of a deal to not eat things you didn't like. Well, he didn't like them now, at least.
He didn't like how the food felt in his stomach. The pizza they ate the night before was still giving him heartburn. But he knew there was no point arguing that he knew he wasn't starving himself, since it was near impossible to get an idea out of Frank's head once it grew roots.
"Fine. I'll try to eat more." He lies.
Frank makes a noise in the back of his throat and inhales some smoke. He looks at Gerard after a while. "Do you still feel bad?"
He shakes his head, his hair coming off loose from the bun in strands. "No, I think I was just dehydrated. I had water and I feel okay now."
"That's good."
They stay quiet for a moment. Gerard feels an annoyance rise in his chest and his mouth moves before he can really assess it. "You don't need to be all up on my shit all the time, you know? I can take care of myself."
Frank looks at him for a few seconds and then he looks at the ground, nodding. "Alright."
"I just don't know why you keep treating me like I'm made of glass."
Frank looks away again. He takes a deep breath. "I don't know why you think giving a shit about your health is a bad thing."
"You give too many shits. About everything."
"... you're right, Gee."
"You just say that so I'll shut up," Gerard huffs.
Frank snorts and looks at him. "Yeah. You get a bit hurtful."
Gerard looks down, guilt filling his chest. "I don't mean to hurt you. I just don't need you to worry about me. I'm fine."
"Right." Frank flicks his cigarette away. "Maybe I should go home."
Gerard's anxiety spikes and he looks at Frank. He doesn't want to be alone. Frank fills the space in his house and his life in a way nothing else does.
"Do you have to?"
Frank looks at him, his eyes are sad, and they make Gerard feel like the ugliest person on Earth for making them look that way. "You tell me."
Gerard shakes his head. He scoots closer, albeit hesitantly, and hooks his arm around Frank's.
They share a brief look, because holding Frank's gaze is never an easy task. Gerard leans his head against Frank's shoulder, feeling like shit but in a different way than earlier. Frank kisses the top of his head and sighs.
"I won't ask you to do things you can't do. That's why I offer to do them for you."
Gerard wants to be mad. He really does. But Frank's voice is soft, sorrowful. He's truly concerned. Gerard still thinks it's not that deep. But to be fair, he did have a track record of de-dramatizing things, mostly when it came to his wellbeing. "I do take care of myself. I just don't do it the way you'd like me to, is all."
Frank pauses again and this time, his voice comes out a bit more stern and secure. "There's more than one way of killing yourself, Gee. Directly, indirectly, fast or slow. Not eating is one of 'em."
"Frank, I'm not trying to die. I just... forget to eat. That's all."
The silence hangs heavy between them, and Gerard can hear his own blood rushing in his ears.
"You don't need to starve to--."
"Don't act like your shit don't stink. You do a lot of bad things to yourself and I don't scold you." Gerard glares at the horizon, his tone getting downright snotty, as it often happened when anyone tried to tell him how to handle himself.
Frank takes a deep breath, then exhales audibly. "Fine."
They stay quiet for a while, Gerard still clinging to Frank's arm and leaning against him. They watch the sun go down, and the stars start appearing over the canopies little by little.
"Do you want me to dye your hair?" Gerard asks.
"Mmhm," Frank nods. "Do you wanna dye yours too?"
"I dunno. Maybe? I don't know if I like red, though."
"I got black hair dye, too. In case the red turned out bad."
Gerard thinks for a moment, then shrugs. "I mean... I'm already grounded."
It's around ten pm by the time they're done with their hair. They take a shower, this time apart, and when Gerard sees himself with jet black hair instead of his natural warm and light brown, he feels something incredible.
He feels pretty. He feels good. His skin looks paler and every blue vein and red tint on his skin is accentuated. His lips look livelier and his eyes sharper.
He blow dries his hair and styles it a bit, and feels downright giddy about his reflection for the first time in forever. He wishes his hair had more volume, but that can be fixed with some teasing and hairspray.
"Frankie, come check it out!" he says from inside the bathroom, unlocking the door, his voice high with excitement.
Frank comes in after a moment, and stops as soon as he steps through the door. He just stares for a while, then walks closer. "I didn't think you could get any paler."
Gerard giggles. "You like it?"
He giggles as well. "It really suits you. You look like a vampire."
Gerard looks at his faded blue shirt and cargo shorts. "A very shittily dressed one."
"You have cool shit to wear, though."
Gerard thinks for a moment, and decides that yeah. He does wanna dress up now. Just to see how it looks with the new hair.
"Do you know if your guys are doing somethin' tonight?"
Frank grins "You wanna go out? I dunno if they are, but I'll find someplace to be."
They spend the next thirty minutes getting ready. Gerard puts a fairly goth outfit together, at least as goth as he can be with the low income he has, and puts on some makeup as well.
Frank goes for a similar look because he's borrowing Gerard's clothes, after all, but he foregoes wearing makeup and instead of going for his usual spiky hair, he lets it down and pulls his fringe to the side. They look fucking ridiculous, and Frank says so as they look at each other and laugh. But Gerard feels happy, and he feels comfortable and good in his own skin for a change.
Frank takes them to his house on the bike, and once there, he asks to borrow his sister's car. His mom and her boyfriend are out and his sister is with her boyfriend, so, she concedes if it will get Gerard and Frank out of there as soon as possible.
They're out into the night lights of the city in a flash, Frank finding a party like a bloodhound following a trail. It's not their usual scene, but they want to join life tonight, because they look pretty dead and it's fun to confuse people.
They end up in a place they've been to before, Frank's band has played there a few times and the owners know him, so they get free drinks. They're both over eighteen so there's no problem with that, but Frank is driving, so he only has one beer.
Gerard, however, does not have a limitation. He feels like he's warranted a shitfacing. He's been in pain for the better part of two weeks and has also been grounded just because he dared stand up for himself. It was fucking ridiculous. He wanted to have fun and drink, mix in with the crowd of likeminded (hopefully) alternative kids. He wanted freedom, the loud, unapologetic and chaotic freedom that the whole world kept denying him, based on principles he wasn't aware of.
At some point during the night, he loses track of Frank and his friends and finds some kids he hangs out with when they go out, no one he cares too much for but he can kick it with them for a while. They're not dicks, they're not awesome, they don't have a lot in common, but it works for a club setting.
There's a pale looking girl there, and Gerard is vaguely aware of the way she keeps getting closer to him, weaving around the circle. He doesn't believe he's seen her before, but he guesses she's alright. Pretty quiet and awkward, so he could get it. He only got loose after the fourth drink and she wasn't having anything.
He can feel her gaze on him as he's in the middle of explaining the differences between class and races in D&D. He tries to pull her into the conversation but she only stares. It freaks him out a little.
After a while, he feels an arm around his shoulders, so he looks to the side and Frank is there, whispering something about getting on stage for a couple songs. Gerard nods and coerces everyone else to move up front so they could watch Frank together, maybe he'll get some hype for him going. He knows he himself is hyped, even if he keeps losing track of conversations and jumping around is making him nauseous. By the second song, he's basically close to throwing up from screaming along to Rise Above. He sways, almost hits the floor, but falls on that girl instead and he apologizes profusely, but she only smiles and says it's okay. Then she's saying something about his makeup, and the music has stopped, so he babbles a thank you and looks at the stage but Frank isn't there anymore, so he gives up and drops to sit on the floor.
She sits next to him, asks if he's alright and he nods, and he's glad she's kind despite him being a mess right now. She's saying something again, but Gerard is focused on not throwing up on her shoes. He smiles and nods, and she says something about him being cute. And he giggles, from sheer nervousness, then loses track of the conversation again, and then she's kissing him and he's letting it happen.
He's not kissing back because it's kind of hard to react, but he's also not pushing away and he definitely doesn't hate the feeling, he's just unsure as to how this came to happen. It lasts about three seconds, but when she pulls away and Gerard gets to see his surroundings again, Frank is up on the stage. And he definitely did see Gerard getting kissed.
He feels the nausea return tenfold and scrambles to get on his feet, she helps him up and he again, just lets it happen. She helps him reach the bathroom and he throws up on the sink.
Then he lays on the floor and bends over himself in pain. His stomach is seized up and tense, his back feels awful, his bones feel brittle, and his throat burns. He probably sobs a little, but he can't really hear himself over the sound of Frank's guitar.
A few minutes later he manages to sit up, but he still can't get up because his legs feel like they're made of crumpled up paper. He leans against the sink and feels his head pound, resting against the cold tile sort of helps the pain a little bit.
The door to the bathroom swings open after a few more minutes, and he can see Frank's red all stars approach. Then he kneels in front of Gerard, and Gerard looks up. He looks not happy. He's not smiling like he always is, his eyes aren't soft around the edges either. Gerard winces and looks away. "I feel like shit."
"Let's get you home," he says in his all business voice. No playful lilt, no giggling. Gerard winces again and stands up with a world of effort. Frank barely helps him up.
He offers a guiding hand on the back as they head out, then he straps Gerard on the passenger seat and rolls the window down. He sits on the driver's seat and huffs.
"Try not to throw up in here."
Gerard closes his eyes with a hum, the pain in his stomach is receding from physical to emotional. "I'm sorry," he slurs. "I dunno how that happened."
"Yeah," Frank starts the car and drives off. The movement is awful and Gerard's mouth fills with bile.
"I real-ly didn't mean it to happen, she just," he winces, "went for it."
"I'm not mad at you over a kiss, Gee."
"But you are mad at me."
"Yeah."
Gerard looks at Frank's profile and he pouts. "I don't even like her."
"Okay."
Gerard looks away and breathes in deeply. He doesn't know what to say, so he stays quiet and feels like crying, like throwing up, like jumping off the moving car.
They make it to his house and Frank pulls into the driveway. Gerard feels good enough to get off the car by himself but he definitely can't make it upstairs so he heads for the guest bedroom and drops onto the bed fully dressed. He hears Frank move around the space. He leaves a bucket next to Gerard's side and forces him to lay on his side, then opens the window to let the fresh airt in, and leaves.
Neither of them speak another word, and Gerard dozes off.
By the time he wakes up it's near dawn, the window is still wide open, his mouth is parched and his head is killing him. He feels weak, disgusting. He sits up and everything sways.
He heads for the kitchen and when he walks past the living room, he sees Frank is sleeping on the couch. The sparse memories of the night before fall on him like a cold shower.
Gerard groans and downs an entire bottle of water to down two of his prescribed painkillers, then fights off dry heaving over the kitchen sink for a couple dozen seconds before he starts making some coffee, hoping it'll help clear out his brain fog. He needs a clear mind to fix whatever the fuck he did last night. Although, to his own judgement, he didn't do much of anything. She kissed him without consent, and he was nearly blackout drunk. She took advantage of the situation and took advantage of him, and the fact that he didn't react didn't change the fact that he wouldn't have kissed her if she didn't force him to.
He's mad that he ever thought of that girl as a kind person. Just cause you ask someone if they're okay it doesn't mean you care about the answer. Not that he had been honest about the answer, but he thought it was fairly fucking obvious he was drunk.
When Frank wakes up, Gerard feels about sixty percent human again. He still doesn't talk when he walks past Gerard on the kitchen table to pour himself a cup of coffee.
Gerard croaks out a "Morning," through a sore throat. Frank answers in kind. And Gerard feels like he'll go crazy if he doesn't talk.
"Last night I didn't do anything. She just kissed me and didn't ask if she could, and I was distracted trying not to throw up, I was drunk and I had no way to get her off me in time."
"I know." Frank leans against the counter and rubs his eyes with his fingers. "I know, Gee."
Gerard moves in his chair, rubs his hand against his thigh. "Then why are you mad?"
"Because it's... every time we go out I have to drag you back half dead and hope you don't choke on your own vomit while you sleep. And it's getting old real fucking fast." He exhales and pulls his fringe back and off his face. "I get you wanna have fun, but I do too, and I can't even play three full songs without having to haul your ass off the floor."
"Nobody asked you to," Gerard frowns at his coffee cup.
"It doesn't matter!" Frank's tone rises, exasperated. "Do you think I'm capable of just having a blast while my boyfriend's fucked up?"
Gerard rolls his eyes involuntarily. And knowing how much Frank loves staring at his face, he knows it was a bad move instantly.
"Or whatever the fuck we are, I get it, yeah. Alright. Fuck me, man." He laughs sardonically. "Why do I ever bother talking? You don't care."
"I care, alright? I just... I don't believe we need to put a label on things."
"Well, I fuckin' do. And you're my boyfriend to me. Fucking deal with it."
Gerard stands and walks to Frank, gets up to his face. He initially intended to keep arguing. But he can't.
They share a look and Gerard pulls his arms around Frank's waist. "I'm sorry."
"You keep saying that and keep doing the same stuff anyway." He pulls his arms around Gerard and rests his chin over his shoulder. "I don't know what to do anymore."
"Just... stay." Gerard hides his face in Frank's neck. "I don't need more than that."
"Okay. But can I ask something of you?"
Gerard nods.
"Let me be myself. Let me do what I wanna do, about me and you. I can't change what I want and what I feel. And having to pretend I don't love you so you don't get overwhelmed really makes me feel like shit."
Gerard stiffens. He feels his throat seize and contract and he can't answer if he tries. He can feel Frank's arms sag around him and start to drop, so he holds him tighter.
"Say something," Frank whispers, choked up. "Please."
"I'll try. To get better at it. At us." Gerard hopes he means his own words.
Frank kisses his cheek. "Okay."
They hug in silence for a while, then Gerard moves back. "I'm hungry."
They eat some cereal and then Frank needs to leave so he can get the car back to his sister, but he promises to get back with some stuff for lunch, and Gerard sits there and waits on the couch, still ion the clothes from the night before.
He feels weird, like he's tender to the touch. The painkillers did take effect and his head wasn't hurting anymore, but his stomach and bones still felt weird. He felt weird all around, empty, hollow. And the longer he waited, the more the feeling spread from his chest to his shoulders and down his arms, until his hands feel shaky and his throat is tight again. And he feels like crying.
He doesn't know why. Maybe because he keeps fucking it up with Frank, and he keeps hurting himself because he overestimates how much he can handle. He feels weak, mean, and most of all he feels like he's always trying to bite off more than he can chew.
He lays on his side and curls up and tries his best to calm down. He really wants to stop.
Everything. In general. He wants to be a good son, a good friend, a good brother, a good boyfriend.
But he can't even convince himself to accept that Frank loves him, and he's even less willing to say out loud that he loves him too. Even when he knows he does, even when he knows it hurts Frank that he won't say it.
He really needs to get over himself and figure out what his fucking problem is. He cannot keep going on like this. He's in pain and keeps spreading it to everything and everyone around him.
But where to start? That's the problem, and that Gerard believes that his honesty includes being ugly and bad as well. He can't pretend to be anything he isn't, so if he truly wants to do better he truly needs to change. He doesn't want to lie and he hates the idea of just trying but falling through without a meaningful effort.
He really wants Frank to be back soon. He's good to talk to, because he did have a good relationship with his mom and grandfather and his family did give a shit about him, so he always has some good words imparted to him by someone that loves him. Gerard's parents kind of just are there. They work, feed him, and keep him from living life because they'd rather have him take care of Mikey than doing it themselves.
He didn't mind, for the most part. Mikey is a great kid, even though lately he's been getting more and more secluded and Gerard felt like it was his fault because well, he's also secluded. And he's raising the fucking kid while being a fucking kid. It's awful. He shouldn't be allowed to ruin his brother's life like that. They have parents to do that for them already.
The pain in his stomach intensifies and he feels like the cereal he ate is about to eject from his gut, so he stands and hurries into the bathroom. He sits on the floor by the toilet, just in case. And he thinks about his life, his choices, his pains, everything that led him to sit on bathroom floors way too often. People hurt him and in response he hurts himself, with alcohol, blades or his own brain. He wonders how much pain can someone feel before it becomes a habit, a natural thing, so much so that being fine feels wrong. He thinks about the word "somatize" and wonders if self harm is just a more hands-on approach to it.
He thinks about how it feels a bit validating to be in physical pain, because at least people can't deny you're hurting when you're throwing up your guts and covered in bruises. His parents would take him to the doctor if he's beaten to a pulp, but therapy is way too expensive to afford. Doesn't matter to them that in his own head, in the life he leads, the only person ever capable of taking him down is himself. Unless a gun or a knife are involved, he's pretty susceptible to them too.
He thinks that, if he's his villain, he must be his own hero as well. If only he cared to save himself. If he could just find a way to believe he's worth the effort.
He wonders if it would do him any good to cry about it, when he hears Frank call out his name.
"Bathroom," he calls back.
Frank walks in, wearing new clothes. He looks cute, and Gerard doesn't get what the fuck Frank sees in him. He's pretty, he's sweet and kind, he's popular and has a million friends, he's very good at guitar and very good at writing and composing, he's a good listener and his dick is pretty decent. Not that Gerard has seen any others, aside from his own. But he believed it had a nice heft to it.
"You sick again?" He squats in front of Gerard and touches his forehead "I would say you're pale but you're always pale."
"I thought I was gonna throw up the cereal but nothing happened."
"Maybe you should take a nap? Or lay down for a while."
Gerard nods and stands up off the floor. "Yeah. Can you lay down with me?"
"Always." He helps Gerard up. "Maybe you should get comfy though?"
"I like my outfit" Gerard pouts.
"Come on Gee, it's just us in here."
"You just want me to take off my clothes in front of you," he half grins, walking out of the bathroom and heading upstairs. Frank follows him with a giggle.
"Yeah you got me. Anything to get you naked."
Gerard looks at him over his shoulder and giggles. "Yyou laugh, but you've actually gotten me naked just by asking. Funny how you didn't do anything with it."
"I would have if you were okay with it. What kind of conversation is this?"
Gerard walks into his room with a shrug. "I dunno, usually people seem to take what they want."
"That's only applicable to things, you're a person."
"Some would argue it also applies to people." He pulls his shirt off, then kicks off his jeans. "So the difference is lost, you know?"
"That's why I advocate for stealing from big malls and shit. Property is a lie." Frank kicks his shoes off and gets on Gerard's bed "It bothered you, what that girl did, huh?"
"Yeah." Gerard finds a pair of sweats and an old shirt, then joins Frank. "It's whatever because I don't think she intended for something else to happen, and she was really awkward. But it still bothers me." He lays on his side, face to face with Frank, practically glued together on his small bed. He pulls an arm around his waist and they cuddle close. "I thought she was being nice. And now it feels like I'm surrounded by people that just want to get things from me."
"The world is a vampire." Frank kisses his forehead.
Gerard moves his head so he can kiss Frank's chin. "Sent to drain. What a good song."
"Yeah." He brushes some hair off Gerard's face. "I think it wouldn't be this way if people knew to ask for what they want. Or knew how to give themselves openly. Or... knew how to take no for an answer."
"It's all about ego and fear, I think."
"Yeah but... all I've done scared was what led me to the best things in life. Like asking you out. And I didn't die yet."
Gerard hums. "I'm not sure Ii'm one of the best things in your life."
"I think that's up for me to say. Dumbass."
Gerard laughs and then sighs. "I'm a mess, I keep making you upset and making you worry."
"I don't think I get to pick and choose what I love about you. Worrying is a part of it as much as the making out is."
Gerard stays quiet and feels a lot of things. Mostly, he feels unfit and undeserving. "I wish I could explain what I feel as good as you do."
Frank runs a hand up and down his arm soothingly. "Maybe you should start writing. It helps me a lot."
"Maybe. But I feel weird writing about myself. Like I'm too full of my own shit."
"There ain't nothing wrong with being full of yourself. Who else are you gonna fill yourself with?" He giggles. "Please say 'you'."
Gerard laughs as well. "I thought about it, but I thought we were having a serious conversation.:
"We can do both." Frank kisses Gerard's forehead again. "You get too caught up on doing things a certain way, with a method and a plan. You need to take the plunge, know what I mean? We'll check the water level later."
"A cousin of mine got stitches on his scalp doing that."
"I have thread and needle ready, baby."
"I'm afraid of needleeees," Gerard whines and smacks Frank's arm.
Frank laughs. "Well, you either do it scared or walk around with a bleeding, open wound."
Gerard stays quiet for a moment. "Isn't that what I've been doing?"
"We all do, to some extent. For different reasons. I have a bad recovery time."
Gerard looks up and meets Frank's eyes briefly. "I hope not a lot of those are mine."
Frank shakes his head. "You heal them over with very little. The pain you give me never topples over the good."
"Oh my god," Gerard hides his face against Frank's chest. "All this romance wasted on me."
"Fuck you, it's not wasted." Frank giggles. "You just get shy. And it's cute."
Gerard makes a disgruntled noise and stays huddled up against Frank's chest. The steady thump of his heart is relaxing.
"You didn't give me that letter, you know?" He says, his voice muffled. "Speaking of getting shy."
"Oh yeah. Uhm. I have it in my wallet," he squirms a little and pulls his wallet out of his back pocket. Gerard pulls back and makes grabby hands at Frank until he puts a folded paper on his open palm.
"You're not allowed to laugh. Alright?"
"I won't" Gerard smiles softly and sits up a bit as he unfolds the letter.
"Im pretty sure youve poisoned me
You put your teeth in my heart and im lovesick
And it only runs deeper
the longer we're together (or apart)
Id think about you every few hours at first
and now youre all i see in the back of my eyelids
I feel your name rolling off my tongue
Like a curse on my bloodline
Like a sin told at a confession booth
Im not going to ask you to get sick too
And im not gonna pretend this is fun
But i will say that even if you rip it out
Stomp on it, or decide to eat it
I dont think there's other hands
I would rather put my heart on
And i know you dont know what to do with it
And i know the odds are you'll give it back
Because it's a heavy heart to carry
And you were never one for sports
But i promise you, baby
This one beats strong
Gallons of blood for your unquenchable thirst
Im a type O-h my god please kiss me
I could die happy from biting into your adam's posion apple
Alright im done, i swear.
I love you, gee. Cross my heart and hope to die."
Gerard rereads it a few times and his chest feels a little tight. He folds the paper back carefully and puts it away, avoiding looking at Frank, but he can feel his eyes on him all the same. He guesses it's good he can't stop grinning.
"That was very sweet. I like how you keep your goth nature despite talking about nice things." He lays back down and puts his hand on Frank's cheek "I don't think I wanna give it back though."
Frank nuzzles against his hand "The letter or my heart?"
Gerard giggles "Neither. I need a heart, mine doesn't work too well."
"No, it does. It does. You just... put it in weird places."
Gerard leans in and kisses him in a way he hopes expresses the words he can't bring himself to say. From "I love you" to "I can't stand to be here anymore"
They lay in silence for a while. Gerard keeps his eyes closed and he knows Frank is looking at him, and for some reason it brings awareness to his existence. It makes him think of something about quantum physics he read when he was looking into the science behind Doctor Manhattan. He thinks of himself as a being that only moves and performs when he's being observed, and it's a haunting notion. No one can only exist for the eyes of people, you never get to see yourself without an outside influence and it strips you of authenticity.
"Frankie, stop looking at me"
"I like looking at you"
"It makes me feel weird."
Frank sighs "okay, then spoon me or I'll spoon you."
Gerard weighs his options. "You be the little spoon."
Frank moves around on the bed and Gerard stretches out his arm so he can rest his head on it. His other arm loops over Frank's waist and he hums in delight. "See, this is way better"
"You just like having your dick against my ass."
Gerard giggles "yeah, that's pretty nice too."
They stay quiet a little longer and Frank turns his head a bit so he can look at Gerard. "You know, I think I've seen that weird girl that was with you before. I think, in the last gig I played with Pencey, she was there. I noticed cause she kept staring at you. And she's weird as fuck, gives me the creeps."
"What gives you the creeps? She's just awkward."
"I don't think she blinks."
Gerard tries to remember, but he can't really picture her face. All he remembers is a soft droning voice. "I dunno man, I was fucked up."
"I know. Otherwise you would have pushed her off. Hopefully."
Gerard sinks a finger into Frank's ribs softly "see, it did bother you"
"Of course it fucking bothered me, but I didn't get mad at you. I just told her to fuck off. She was waiting for you outside the bathroom. Like a creep."
Gerard hums. "Yeah that is a little weird. Like, she didn't say a word the whole night, except when I tripped. And then I don't remember specifically what she said to me, I think she asked me if I was fine or something. And then I almost threw up."
"I'm gonna ask around, see who she hangs out with. Fuckin' weirdo."
"Don't start harassing girls, Frank."
"It's not harassment, I'm just gonna ask if anyone knows who she is so I can have a kind conversation with her about why she thinks it's cool to go around kissing strangers that are intoxicated." He holds Gerard's hand and places it against his chest "just 'cause you're a boy and she's a girl it doesn't mean she gets to do whatever. God knows I got my shit rocked the one time I did it. And I'm glad I did, 'cause I'm not sure I would have stopped otherwise."
"... yeah, I dunno. I'm not sure why people do fucking anything." He nuzzles into Frank's back and exhales "I just don't think she meant to do anything bad."
"I hope so."
Gerard kisses the back of Frank's neck. "Thank you."
Frank pulls Gerard's hand up to his lips and kisses his knuckles. "You don't need to thank me. I'm tired of people being awful to you. You're kind, you're... just someone so special. And everyone mistakes your uniqueness for defiance and you get the worst shit thrown at you. Slurs, abuse of every kind. I'm gonna be your rabid guard dog if I need to."
"More like a rabid chihuahua" Gerard snickers and immediately leans in to kiss Frank's cheek as he starts thrashing around.
"I hate you, you fucking suuuuuck!" Frank laughs, trying to get Gerard off him.
Gerard laughs as well and straddles Frank, trying to kiss him while avoiding getting flung off the bed. "What's what you always say to me? Take a fucking compliment, Frankie!"
"How is it s compliment to be called a chihuahua, you mousey fuck?!" He squeaks between laughter "I'm never calling you pretty again, fuck you!"
"Who you callin' mousey? Huh?" He pins Frank's hands to the bed and leans in to kiss him. Frank hums into it.
"Imma do it more often if I get manhandled like this." He grins and throws Gerard some very indecent bedroom eyes. Gerard suddenly becomes aware of their position and straightens up, and lets go of Frank.
"Uhm, sorry about thaaat," He giggles "I got a little carried away."
"Nooo, do it." Frank laughs. "It's hot."
Gerard looks at him and snorts before leaning in to kiss him briefly. "You're so weird."
"So are you. If we're both weird, no one's weird."
"Alright, whatever you say."
"You feel better yet?" Frank asks, resting his hands on Gerard's thighs.
"Yeah I'm not nauseous anymore." He looks off to the side. "Wait, do you hear something?"
Frank stays quiet, and they wait a few seconds. The phone is ringing downstairs and Gerard curses and scrambles off the bed to answer it, hauling ass down the stairs.
He picks up the phone in the living room as he coughs "Hello?"
His mom is on the other side of the line. Gerard is informed that due to weather conditions, they'll only be making it back by Monday morning. He is expected to survive without money until then, but if he needs something he can ask the neighbors.
He thinks he would rather die. So he says "Okay mom, say hi to Mikey for me.", and hangs up.
Frank is standing next to him, expectantly. "They'll be back Monday morning so I guess Mikey will skip school."
Frank grins "Hey, two more days of marriage trial for us."
Gerard makes a face, somewhere between disgusted and amused. "...sure."
"God, just say you hate me already" Frank growls playfully and almost tackles him, gnawing at his arm.
"Let me gooo!" Gerard laughs "You're so annoying."
"Yeah? Should I leave?"
"Stop threatening me, asshole." Gerard can easily overpower Frank if he tries, but he lets himself be pushed to the couch. "If you wanna go just go."
"I don't wanna go." Frank says, sitting over Gee's legs. "I never wanna go."
"Isn't your mom worried about you?"
"No. She knows I'm here."
"Get off me."
"Don't wanna."
"Frank." Gerard warns, starting to get annoyed.
"Yes, Gerard?"
Gerard bucks "that sounds awful from you."
Frank laughs and stands up. "Fine, fine. So, wanna play some videogames?"
They spend around four hours trying to beat Mario Bros II, and they can't. Frank starts getting angry at it, screaming at Luigi like he's not the one controlling him, so Gerard suggests going outside and smoking for a bit.
They start talking about random stuff. How Frank's sister has been and how the guy she's dating now isn't as awful as the last one, and Gerard talks about Mikey and how worried he is that he seems to not be making any friends. Frankie assures him that it always takes a while for shy kids to develop, and he has the experience firsthand. Gerard thinks that even though he appreciates the sentiment, he can't help but worry nonetheless.
They talk for a long while, sitting side by side under the evergreen, and Gerard is vaguely aware that he's spent the last three days looking at sunsets with Frank. He's a bit mortifyingly aware of how romantic that is, too. As they sit together, finally falling into quietness and looking at the sky change colors, he thinks of the letter Frank wrote, and how sad it was that Frank thought he would stomp over his heart, or mistreat it.
Truth is, Gerard wouldn't ever do that on purpose, but he was well aware of the potential for heartbreak he had. Because his heart is broken all the time under his own pressure. And he doubts that anyone that can't take care of themselves can take care of someone else. He thinks Mikey is a good enough example- he's failing him and he can just as well fail Frank.
He thinks of the first time he and Frank hung out, how awkward it was. Frank kept asking all sorts of questions Gerard didn't know how to answer, or didn't care to answer, until they breached the comic books topic and started talking about Alan Moore, and then started talking politics and then one thing led to another and Frank was showing him Black Flag, and playing guitar for him. And all Gerard could think about was how bright his eyes were and how much he talked with his hands. They were nice hands, too.
It took them a year and a half to start dating, and Frank did all of the heavy lifting. He confessed first, with a letter that Gerard still kept well hidden. Then, they went on a "date" that consisted of them watching a horror movie in Frank's basement. They kissed there for the first time. And for at least another six months of the nine they've been an item, no one was in on their secret. Well, Gerard's parents still didn't know, and Frank's mom is suspicious. The only ones that know for sure are Ray and Mikey, and while Ray was one hundred percent supportive, Mikey basically pretended to be deaf and blind to them, which Gerard thought was fair. It wasn't homophobia as much as it was not wanting to see your brother suck face in a general sense.
He doesn't really have a reason as to why they keep it so close to the chest, he's already getting called slurs as it is, so who gives a shit, right? He hasn't got much to lose anymore. But Frank is a different matter. He hurts a lot more from being called things, and being seen in certain ways, and he gets angry very easily, too. So much so he enters these spells where he'll fight anyone, he will yell and throw stuff around. The first time Gerard saw it happen was when someone groped his sister at a bar they were in. Frank kicked the shit out of the guy until he fell to the floor, then got on top of him, screaming and drooling.
It was haunting, too far removed from who Frank actually is. Gerard never wanted to see it again. He had nightmares about it for a few nights, and considered breaking it off with Frank because he doesn't like violence. No matter how much he needs to partake on it to defend himself, he never enjoys it and it never feels right. But Frank sort of looks for it. He has weird ideas about it. He didn't end things because he got to understand that the violence isn't a part of Frank but a symptom of things that made him sick. And you can't get mad at someone or cut them off just 'cause their sickness is scary. That's a dick move.
"Whatcha thinkin' about?" Frank asks barely above a whisper in the encroaching darkness.
"You," Gerard answers "About how angry you get. It hasn't happened in a while."
"I guess. I'm just less in a bad mood lately. I think getting out of high school is making me look up a bit."
Gerard snorts. "That's crazy, 'cause it's freaking me the fuck out. I don't wanna go to college. I mean I do, but... I... I'm gonna be so far from you guys."
Frank leans in and kisses his cheek. "I told you I'm gonna visit every weekend, no matter what. I'm already saving up for a car. I got my license. I got a job. We'll make it work."
"Yeah... yeah I know. But Mikey's gonna be here alone and my parents don't fucking pay any attention to him."
Frank sighs and pulls an arm around Gerard's shoulders "I'll look out for him. Ray will, too. He won't be alone."
Gerard rubs his face with a hand "You can't possibly do all of that, Frankie. You can't go see me every weekend and also work and do shows and look out for Mikey."
Frank stays quiet for a moment. "What's your alternative? Do you wanna break up?"
"No! Why do you always go to that option straight away?"
"Because I dunno what the fuck else you could be tryna say to me right now, dude. I'm saying I'm gonna do my best to keep us together, and you shoot me down instantly."
"I'm saying you need to understand that if shit falls through it's not your fault. If Mikey gets involved with the wrong crowd, or if we can't see each other for months, it's not gonna be your fault. It's just fucking... life happening."
Frank's jaw settles and he looks off to the side, lightning up another cigarette "Well, I'm still gonna try my fucking best because if I don't, it will definitely be my fault."
Gerard looks up to the sky and bites on the inside of his lower lip. "I hadn't thought about it that way."
"It's not like you to quit the race before even warming up. Yeah, it could all go to shit, but it also couldn't. You won't know until it happens."
He nods and looks at Frank. "I'm very glad I met you."
Frank leans in and kisses him softly. "Me too."