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Milo was in the middle of a parc, barefoot, totally wet. He was still playing, he probably hadn’t noticed Olivier’s presence. He seemed so strong yet vulnerable while his fingers danced on the banjo cords.
Olivier stared at him for a moment, hoping he would stop by himself, but the island boy was dancing, as if in a transe. It was cold, and windy. Olivier couldn’t help but worry about his boyfriends health.
«Milo?»
If he had heard him, he didn’t show it, continuing to play, looking at the dark clouds in the sky.
«Hey, Milo!»
When the wet man turned his empty face toward him, he seemed surprised to find him there. A little sad too.
«Olivier? What are you doing here?»
«I should be the one asking king… Are you ok?»
«Yes…»
«Someone told me you would be there… You play here often?»
«When it’s stormy.»
«When it’s-» Why? Why only when the weather was bad? «Doesn’t matter… You’ll get cold.»
«You sounds like my dad.»
And he sounded empty, without any feelings. This wasn’t the joyfull man he knew and loved. Not exactly. As if his boyfriend was only an empty shell. The weather was awfull, a cold and never ending rain, with a lot of wind, and thunder. Milo was there since hours, his clothes were soaked, his instrument too. His hair were falling on his melted face, transforming him into a frightfull encounter for any civilian… At least, no one was outside with this storm raging on, no one had seen him. Or at least, it was what Olivier had hoped.
«Let’s go home?» he’ll ask more questions there, but for the moment what mattered was to bring Milo to a dry and warm place.
«Home?»
«Yes.» He handed him his woden cane, and grabbed the banjo. «Give me that.»
«No. I-»
«Ok then. As long as you follow me.»
Olivier wasn’t sure why he was scared, but he was. As if his boyfriend would not follow him. As if he would continue to stand there for hours and hours. As if something terrible was about to happen. However, that fear was unfunded, as Milo grabed his glove. Soaked.
«You are wet.» He declared, still with that emotionless voice.
«You are more, King»
«I’m an island boy, that’s normal for me.»
«I don’t know what you used to do, but this is not normal in São Paulo. You can’t just go barefoot and stand in the rain like that. And what about not showing your face to the world?»
Milo’s hand reached for his eyeless face, as if he wanted to touch the mask he wasn’t wearing.
«I- I forgot it home, I think. And it’s so comfortable to have the rain running down my face. That’s the only tears I get now.» He took a little break, looking at olivier with his eye-less face before asking «why are you upset?»
He wasn’t upset, he was affraid. Surprised by this side of Milo he didn’t know. Since when was he so empty? Since when was he that careless about his melted face? Since when was he playing banjo under the rain without caring about his own health?
«I was only playing some music under the rain… I’m used to that, you know? I do it all the time, I’m fine.»
In the cold. With freezing winds. Milo’s skin was so cool. And Olivier knew hypotermia was a real danger for his boyfriend. He wasn’t able to shiver properly, most of his body hair had melted with the all rest… He had to warm him up. Quickly.
Milo didn’t open his mouth until they arrived to his appartement. Olivier neither, unable to find what to say. Lost in his thought. Trying to understand why his boyfriend was so different, nearly self destructing. But when they arrived, he imediately declared :
«Warm shower, hot chocolate, and then you’ll tell me what’s happening.»
«Just a tea, it’ll be perfect.» Responded his boyfriend, grabing a towel.
«No.» No. «You are freezing milo, take a shower.»
«I never took a shower after–»
«I’m serious. Either you go alone, either I come with you. As you want.»
He had spoken without thinking. Milo would never want to share a shower with him. Why would he?
«If you insist. I don’t want to stay alone. And it look like you too.»
Olivier hadn’t thought Milo would accept. There was still some parts of his body that he refused to show him, how could they share a shower? But he didn’t think more, pushing his boyfriend to the bathroom. Was he the one needing company? No. But if it helped convincing Milo he needed boiling water and a hug, then Olivier would not negate anything. After all, his clothes were soaked too.
«You are sure?»
Milo nodded, and started to remove his shirt. His melted chest seemed even more liquid than usual, even if the waves of flesh were figed now.
«I like to be with you, and you won’t calm down before I take that shower, so…»
«But-» Olivier wasn’t allowed to see Milo’s melted genitals. Except that, for a shower, Milo would have to remove his pants. And he didn’t want to cross his partner’s boundaries, even if he was worried and wanted him to get warmer as soon as he could. «What about your underwear?»
«It’s already wet. It won’t change anything.»
Of course, he should have known. Of course Milo wouldn’t remove it. He only removed his pants and then stared at him. He was so handsome, looking at him with his empty face, smiling with his weird mouth. Most people would find that body frightful and ugly, but Olivier was used to it now. It was a silent reminder to what they survived. Milo had gotten melted by the creature, and nothing would bring back his previous body. Now he had melted waves of flesh running all over his body. No eyes. No nose. No lips. But a huge mouth, always smilling at him.
«Olivier?»
He was so absorbed in the contemplation of his boyfriend’s strange body that he nearly had forgotten what they were doing. He had to remove his clothes too. In a few seconds, he removed everything. The last clothes he took off was his glove. It was totally wet. He avoided looking at the prosthesis while removing it, but still took the time to dry it a little bit in a towel before leaving it on the sink.
«It’s not water proof?»
«Not enough.»
Milo was already in the shower, waiting for him.
«I’m coming.» He declared while joining him.
Milo’s shower wasn’t wide, but it wasn’t that narrow neither. It was the perfect sise to be two. Or at least, the perfect sise to have an excuse to cuddle his loved one during the common shower. As if they really needed an excuse. After all, they were already taking a shower together, they didn’t need any other reason.
As the hot water started to run on their bodies, Olivier didn’t know what to say. Or to do. He never had taken a shower with someone. But he was there to care about Milo, and warm him up, so he focussed on that, and turned the water temperature up.
Milo imediatly turned it down.
«That’s burning !»
«You are cold milo. We need to–»
«I’m more lonely than cold.» Responded the melted boy, suddenly hugging him. «Let the water like that please…»
Olivier didn’t say anything, only squeezed his boyfriend without touching to the temperature again.
«You are not alone Milo…» It was so easy to say. Olivier too often had that same loneliness filling his soul. «I’m there.»
«I am alone.» He whispered back. «My dad isn’t there. Adrian isn’t there. Even Miguel… For an instant, I thought you were him…»
Olivier letted his boyfriend say all he needed, before whispering again in his ear :
«I’m not them, but i’m here non the less.»
He then freed his boyfriend in order to get some shampoo for him, trying to massage milo’s skull with his main hand.
«It’s stupid, I know. I have you, and I love you. But Miguel… My familly… My island…»
«Feelings are not stupid. And no matter what, they are reals. Don’t worry.» Even if Olivier never liked his psycologists, some of their sentences were usefull. «Can I do something for you?»
«Stay with me.»
«Of course.»
Milo never was like that usually. In fact, olivier was the one craving for company most of the time, but today the roles were inversed, and it scared him. Today, Milo was the tactile one, searching for his body. Searching for contacts, and cuddles.
«It’s funny, your scars doesn’t feel the same under water.» He declared, both his hands on olivier’s mastectomy scars.
«I could say the same for your skin, king.» Usually, it was soft, but firm. Now it was tender. Very tender. «Feels like baby skin.» In fact, it mostly felt fragile. As if he could moove the waves just by touching those. Or as if some parts were still liquid, under the solidified skin.
«Don’t worry, it may feel weird but that’s always the case under water.» Milo took Olivier’s healty hand, and placed it on his back. «You can rub, it won’t go out»
«Ok then.» He took some soap, and then started to rub on all of his boyfriend body, starting by his back. On certain spots that he started to know, Milo moanned. The places where his nerves were on the surface of his skin. His sweet spots.
«Ow, I needed that… Thank you…»
Under his hand, Milo was shivering. Not from the cold. Just from his actions.
Soon, the melted boy did the same, lathering up his partner's body, starting on strategic places on his back. Their chests were so close, almost touching, gently brushing against one another.
As they continued, Milo grabed his half hand, and placed it on the back of his neck before doing the same with his own right hand and his partner’s neck.
«What are you-» Olivier didn’t had time to finish his question as milo went to kiss him.
It wasn’t as soft as the ones they already shared, in other condition. That kiss had the taste of soap and loneliness. Olivier still appreciated it, tenderly.
«Thank you…» whispered the melted man as he left his mouth. «I needed that.»
They huged, tenderly, the water still running down their body, probably washing away their sorrow.
«We shouldn’t waste that much water…»
«Don’t worry about that.» Water wasn’t as precious here as it used to be on the island. «You are sure you don’t want it to be warmer?»
«Why?»
«Because we can?»
«We shouldn’t do all we can. I’m fine with the current temperature.» It was barely warm, nearly tapid. If their bodies weren't pressed together, Olivier would probably be cold. He was used to have his water way hotter than that. It was probably the first time in years that he had such a tapid sower.
«You never had a burning shower?»
«I don’t like to burn myself for the pleasure.»
He slowly incresed the temperature non the less. Milo had to at least try the nearly boiling shower. It was so perfect to wash all the terrible thoughts away. And today, it seemed like his partner’s thoughts weren’t nice.
«Olivier, no. I’m serious!» He laughed, trying to avoid the hot shower. «That’s- ow. How can you stay there?»
«I’m used to it. And that’s so good.»
«I prefer the rain. Wait, are you still increasing the temperature? Stop! Please!»
«You’ll see, that’s so good!»
«I tell you to stop! It burns! Please!»
As Milo rushed to open the shower door and leave, olivier stoped, and even reduced the temperature by some degrees. He probably went a bit to hot for a first time.
«I didn’t know you were that sensible.» He laughed back, but not for long. Milo wasn’t laughing anymore. Not at all. He was breathing heavilly, trying to remove all that water from his body with his bare hands. There was no way the water was still hot, and yet he behaved as if it was. Olivier immediatly turned off the shower. «Are you ok?»
«Of course not!» he screamed. «I told you to stop! I don’t want a boiling liquid on my body ever again! Do you have the slightest idea of what it feels like to have your own flesh liquefied? It burns! It burns so much!»
He had thought it was because of the island. Because hot water was precious for them. Because it was sun heated… He shouldn’t have assumed that.
«Sorry.» That little word felt meaningless compared to the distress and the pain he caused, but it was all he could say. He wasn’t even sure if taking his king in his arm would calm him. He didn’t dare to try.
He couldn’t imagine all the suffering Milo had gone through while the creature was melting him. And even after, while that fucking ink still disolved his skin… it was all his fault.
If that day, he hadn’t panicked, he could have saved more of his boyfriend’s body. And today, if he wasn’t that stupid, he wouldn’t had heated that much the sower. It was all his fault «Sorry… I didn’t want to… I only wanted you to try and- You were terribly cold and I thought…»»
«I don’t want a hot shower. I don’t care about a hot shower. I prefer your warmth» Milo hugged him. Tight. Very tight. «I prefer spending time with you, while you are still there.»
«Why wouldn’t I be there?»
«Why did Miguel disapear… Sometimes there’s a reason, sometimes there’s none.»
«But I’m here.»
«For how long?»
«As long as you want me to stay.» Responded Olivier, grabing a towel and covering Milo’s shoulders with it. Outside of the shower, he could get cold again.
«I wanted Miguel to stay, he knew it, and still…»
«I’m not your twin. I’m your boyfriend.» He rubbed the towel on his partner’s body, trying to dry it as much as possible. His irregular skin was keeping way more water than Olivier would have thought. «Trust me, I won’t abandon you.»
«Sorry, that’s stupid. Of course you are not him.» He took the towel to finish the work by himself. «Can you grab some dry clothes in my room? You can take some for you two.»
«Of course King. But no, you are not stupid!» He declared while grabbing first a towel for himself and then running at the other side of the appartement for the clothes. He chose comfy ones, hoping it would help his boyfriend to get better. «Can I come back, or do you want the clothes first?» He asked before entering in the bathroom, in case Milo had already removed his soaked underwear.
«You can come.»
«I’ll let everything here.» He quickly grabbed his prosthesis and then closed the door again. His glove was still wet, so he wore the false fingers, without anything hidding those. After all, there was nothing to hide here. Milo knew what he had done.
«What do you want us to do now?» He asked to his boyfriend, as he came out in the clothes he had chosen.
«I don’t know… But I’m gonna make tea. You like verbena?»
«Not a huge fan, but I’ll take any hot drink.» He responded, before adding «do you want me to make it?» hot drink. Hot water. It was probably better for him to prepare the tea.
«I can do it.»
«You are sure?»
«Of course, I’m the one who want tea. Why wouldn’t I do it myself?»
«Hot liquid…»
Milo laughed strongly.
«Taking a boiling shower isn’t the same as making tea! I don’t plan to pour it on my skin.»
«Sorry for before, I hadn’t realised…» He should have known. He should have been more carefull. He should have listened to Milo when he told him to stop. «Really. I didn’t want to remind you of that…»
«I enjoyed that shower with you. The first part at least. It was nice.»
Except it hadn’t diverted Milo’s thoughts. Or at least not enough. He was thinking about his island. About his dad. About his twin. About so many people that Olivier would never be able to replace.
«Why were you playing Banjo under that storm?» He had to ask.
«Why not?» Shrugged his boyfriend. «I love playing under the rain. It feels great.»
«And raindrops are the only tears you get now, I know... But you are different today.» He seemed lost, especially when he was still outside. He felt so out of reach. «I’m here for you, you know?»
«I know. But I’m fine. I always play in the rain for Miguel.»
He had said it as if it was a normal thing. But his twin wasn’t there. His twin was dead. Or at least, in an unateignable place. Miguel had disapeared on the same day Milo got melted.
«My dad always loved to listen to me on those day, saying that if I played loud enough my brother would hear it.»
«And I’m sure he did…» At least, for once, Milo didn’t seemed to beg for ink in order to find back his twin. «And barbara too… She probably heard you, from where she is.»
«Maybe. But she didn’t disapear on a tempest night…»
«Miguel neigther. Not anymore, right?»
«Well. He did. He disapeared during a stormy night. Even if he came back, nothing will eraze that…»
«I see…» He cuddled the island boy. «Do you want me to stay with you when there is bad weather?»
«No, you don’t need to…»
«You are not alone. He disapeared to protect you. And I’m not him, but I swear I will continue to protect you.»
«I’m fine, oli !»
«I know how to recognise self destructive behavior when I see some.»
«Self destructive? I was playing banjo !»
«Without caring about the cold, your mask, or your surroundings… I won’t let you alone in that situation. He would not forgive me if I were to abandon you in a time like that.»
«But…»
«Serriously Milo. I know what it feels to be lonely like that. That’s never good.» Maybe he was reflecting too much of him on his boyfriend, but there was no way he would let him alone in those conditions. Not if he was thinking about his lost twin. He knew how dangerous thoughts could be.
Milo carressed the top of olivier’s half hand. Understanding about what he was talking, and why he was so serious.
«I’m not like you Oli, don’t worry. But you can stay if it reassures you.»
«Of course I worry!»
«About what?»
«I know how to take loneliness away while we are alone. And that’s never a good idea.»
«I play banjo. Music always help me, no matter if I’m alone or not. That’s very cathartic.»
«Music helps you?»
«Of course.» He laughed. «You should try that next time.»
He already had tried music. It never helped him. In fact, it was the countrary, reminding him of all his regrets, and all he already tried to be seen by his parents. Playing music with one hand was a terrible idea, bringing him only deeper in his problems. It wasn’t cathartic for him.
«Next time won’t happen.» He finally declared. «I’ll call you. Or Amelie. Or whoever is available.» All he could try was to avoid stayig alone with those thoughts.
«As long as you don’t do anything stupid…»
«Well, if you don’t try to use your ritual to cicatrize an infected line, everything would be fine too.»
«It wasn’t a “line” Oli. It never was.»
«Maybe… Sorry…» He shouldn’t have brought up the subject. He shouldn’t have tried to joke about it.
«You can trust me on that point, I would never hurt myself like you did. No matter how lonely I feel. Never. My body is already way too destroyed…»
Olivier didn’t know what to say. Of course, Milo wasn’t as stupid as him. His melted boyfriend was so strong and resilient. Never would he take a blade to cut away all the terrible things he could feel.
«I know, you are so much stronger… You would never.»
He wished he could say the same about himself, that he would never cut his own skin again. But he had said it various time already. And never managed to respect his words. All the fine scars on his shoulder were a silent reminder that he’ll probably do it again. And again.
«And it’s not even my body. No, I could never.»
«It is yours…»
«Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know anymore.»
When he wasn’t sure if that body was his, Olivier always did the same thing to check. If it hurt, then it was his body. It was the proof he was the one in control, and that he wasn’t a transparent ghost or whatever. But he couldn’t say that. It would scare Milo even more.
«How is your knee today?» he finally asked.
«I’m fine olivier. Stop worrying please.»
«But you feel it, right? If you feel it, then that’s the proof it’s your body.»
Milo stopped. He didn’t had any eyes left, but at this moment his boyfriend could feel him stare right into his soul.
«Oli…» He knew him too well. «You used pain to be sure that body was yours?»
He couldn’t hide anything to his boyfriend. He would understand anyway. And get scared for him.
«I’m in my brother’s body, that’s normal for me to doubt, but you… why?»
Olivier shrugged his shoulder, he didn’t need a reason to feel that body wasn’t his. Or to wish it wasn’t.
«I’m like that. Sometimes I felt that this body wasn’t my own.»
«Because you are trans? Disforma?»
«Dysphoria. Yeah… it can be violent.» But not only. Sometime, he had felt like a ghost. Someone transparent. Without a body. That nobody cared about.
«Does it still happen?»
«That’s rare now… After all, I modified my body, of course that’s mine now. I like it this way.» would be better without the scars, but not everything was changeable.
«Makes sense… But you know, I have a secret way to be sure I’m in control of my body.»
«What?»
Milo grabbed his boyfriend’s hand, and gently invited him to enter under his sweatshirt, guiding him up to his chest.
«Your hand is warm. And reassuring. When I feel that warmth, I know it’s my skin you are touching. And my heart.»
«That’s a nice way to know…» He declared, subtly moving his fingers over the waves of his king, until he reached one of the tender spot. «I love it…»
«Me too…»
