Work Text:
2025
(would you open up if I knocked on your door?)
"Hyung," Namjoon says, pushing open Yoongi's bedroom door. It's past midnight. "Hyung, you busy?"
Yoongi pauses, hands quick and light on the keyboard of his music laptop, poised in midair like a bird in flight. The song he's working on is a new one; a light, cheerful melody he's paired tentatively with some snippets of lyrics.
Yeah, I'm lost, can I come over?
Yeah, I'm lost, can I come over?
I just wanna say I'm sorry--
He hits pause on the demo.
He's not busy, not really. What he is, right now, is mostly tired and grumpy and feeling very long-suffering.
"Not really," he says, turning around to look at Namjoon. It's late; they're both in pajama pants and hoodies and house slippers. Namjoon looks guilty, like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "I mean. Clearly, I just hang out in here for the hell of it." His voice is dry.
"You do, though," Namjoon says. "Like, you actually do that?"
Yoongi sighs, rolling his neck and his shoulders out, giving the bad one a little extra attention. He's had the surgery, he's done the physical therapy, but it still hurts sometimes. Will always hurt, realistically. "What do you want, Joon?"
Namjoon steps inside the doorway and crosses the room, but doesn't quite touch Yoongi. Leaves a few spare centimeters between them. Now that he's closer, Yoongi can see the deep circles under his eyes, the way his shirt looks crinkled and slept in. Yoongi can relate. He's also blocked-as-fuck on the song he's working on.
"Um," Namjoon says. He looks a little...bashful, almost, and that's when it connects for Yoongi.
"Oh," Yoongi says. "You. Wow. Seriously?"
"C'mon, hyung. You really going to make me beg you for it?"
Yoongi licks his lips, slowly. He hasn't showered in at least two days. He doesn't exactly feel sexy right now, but then--what he and Namjoon do isn't necessarily about sex. Not really.
Lust, maybe. Frustration. Catharsis. But not sex.
"I thought we weren't going to do this any more," Yoongi says, instead.
"Yeah, but." Namjoon sighs. He runs a hand through his hair, over his neck. One of his endless nervous tics. Then: "Hobi took the terror twins out dancing."
"That was nice of him," Yoongi agrees, playing along. Honestly, he expected this sooner. Ever since they all landed in LA, there's been sort of--anticipation in the air. A sense of strange, charged possibilities. Yoongi is honestly surprised that Namjoon held out this long. "I'm sure they'll have a good time."
"Seokjin-hyung and Kook-ah are working out together," Namjoon continues, barreling on. "They're down in the gym so JK can practice sparring."
"Seokjin is a saint," Yoongi says drily. "I hope he doesn't get his nose broken. JK is even stronger then he used to be."
"You know he's a pushover for Jungkook."
"Aren't we all," Yoongi says, shrugging. "So what, everyone is just magically gone for the night?"
"Yes," Namjoon says, abashed. "But I'm--fuck, hyung. You know I'm so stuck on this song."
"I'm stuck on this song too," Yoongi says. "You don't see me sucking your dick about it."
"Hyung, I swear to god," Namjoon says suddenly, and when Yoongi looks up his eyes are large and dark and very, very focused. Yoongi bites back a shiver. Even after all these years, being the sole focus of Namjoon's attention is overwhelming. "I will do anything you want me to. I'll finger you. I'll eat you out. Suck your dick. You can fuck me, I don't even care. Just, like. Please, hyung" Namjoon says. "I have to get out of my head somehow. Nothing else is working."
"Hey, shhh, it's okay," Yoongi soothes, reaching up to rub his fingers over Joon's bicep on autopilot. "Hey, it's okay. Hyung will fix--well, wait. Hang on." Yoongi can feel himself pinking up at the memory.
"Hyung will fix it?" Namjoon says, looking amused.
"No," Yoongi says, scowling at him. "Maybe, I don't know. Fuck, Joon-ah." Yoongi runs a hand through his hair, trying to think. There's a hot little thread of want forming in his gut the longer they talk about it. Fuck, Yoongi hasn't gotten head in--how long? Two years? Probably longer. And Namjoon's always been good with his mouth.
"We decided to stop doing this," Yoongi says, even though he knows he's wavering.
"So let's decide to start doing it again," Namjoon says. His whole face is lit up like a candle. He's onto Yoongi. He knows Yoongi's about to give in. "Just, like. Just once. C'mon. It'll be so good."
"Just once for you, maybe," Yoongi says, licking his lips. "I'm going to need to come at least twice for this to be worth my while."
"You're a brat tonight," Namjoon says. He slides one hand along the small of Yoongi's back, tugging him closer, but he still doesn't kiss him. Not yet. "C'mon, hyung. Please? You know it always works."
"Seokjin-hyung and Kook are still downstairs. They might come up here. Interrupt us," Yoongi says. Adrenaline jumps in his veins. Namjoon is so very close. All Yoongi would have to do is lean forward a few bare inches for their lips to touch.
"We can be quiet. Your door has a lock. "
"I haven't showered," Yoongi says.
"So?" Namjoon says, raising an eyebrow. "That's not a downside for me." He licks his lips and Yoongi watches his tongue move, saliva slick in the low-light.
"Fucking--goddammit," Yoongi says softly. "This is a bad idea. We stopped because it's always been a bad idea." His breath feathers out hot and wanted over Namjoon's mouth.
"Three times," Namjoon says. He leans forward, caging Yoongi in with his body. He smells like cedar and pine and fresh rain, which mostly just means he put more deoderant on before he came to see Yoongi. Yoongi appreciates the gesture, even as he's looking up at Namjoon and staring down the thready abyss of another bad decision. "I'll make you come three fucking times, I swear it. Just say yes. Please."
Yoongi knows before he even moves that he's already made his choice.
"Yeah, alright," He murmurs, leaning up until his mouth is sliding against Namjoon's lips, slick and fierce. Namjoon opens up for him like a wildflower under pressure of wind and rain. "C'mere."
"Hyung will fix it?" Namjoon says, mouth wet and warm and perfect.
"Hyung will fix it," Yoongi agrees, deepening the kiss.
2012
(When a hollow, empty night falls/I find myself calling out to you again like this--)
Yoongi is prepared to admit, under duress, that maybe he shouldn't have thrown that wadded-up paper bag straight at Namjoon's head.
In Yoongi's defense, however, Namjoon shouldn't have implied that he was better at working out complex articulations in Cubase's Expression Maps than Yoongi, because that is an absurd, infuriating thing to say to any pianist, much less one as talented as Yoongi himself.
Anyway.
It's a moot point, because it turns out that hitting Kim Namjoon square in the face with a solid paper bag fastball was the secret ingredient necessary to get Namjoon to finally just shove Yoongi up against the studio soundproofing and kiss him. Yoongi feels like there's a few things to unpack there--or maybe for Namjoon to unpack, specifically--but also he's not really interested in looking a gift horse in the mouth. His mouth is busy at the moment.
"Hyung, I am going to kill you, you absolute fuckface," Namjoon mutters, even as he's kissing Yoongi like he wants to devour him from the inside out. It's messy and rude and pretty much everything Yoongi expected from Namjoon.
"Takes one to know one," Yoongi mumbles back. He bites down on Namjoon's bottom lip as hard as he can, hard enough that it will be painful tomorrow. "Don't fucking try tell me what I'm good at, you ass."
"Don't hit me in the face, maybe?" Namjoon growls, pushing Yoongi harder up against the soundproofing. He's still the same stupid noodle boy he's always been, expect now he's crowding Yoongi's space and it's hotter than Yoongi expected. Turns out the spoiled little Seoul boy has some game, after all.
"Yeah, well," Yoongi pants, shoving his tongue gracelessly in Namjoon's mouth. "Don't kiss me when I hit you, how about that?"
"It was that, or I punched you in the face and I am trying--" Namjoon suddenly hoists his hands under Yoongi's thighs--"to utilize better anger management methods like Bang PD said."
Yoongi groans, wrapping his arms and legs around Namjoon as fast as he can, hiking himself farther up so Namjoon can hold him with both hands under Yoongi's ass. God, Yoongi is so painfully, painfully horny. Big Hit has upped his T dose again, and it's doing some terrifying things to his libido.
"Okay, you want me to suck your dick about it, Princess?" Yoongi says, instead of rubbing himself off on Namjoon's thigh.
(Yoongi would, in fact, like to suck Joon's dick about it, thank you very much. He's going to unpack that one later, as well. )
"You offered, not me," Namjoon mutters, leaving a rough, bruising bite on Yoongi's jawline. Yoongi gasps, his head falling backwards at the sting. Fuck. It's been so goddamn long for him, and they're six hours into an all-nighter on this stupid song that neither of them can seem to get right, and Yoongi is exhausted and he's pissed off but most of all, right now he's horny. Maybe Joon was onto something with his anger management techniques.
"I'll--we should--I'll do you if you do me," Yoongi pants, as Namjoon bites a trail up and down his neck. That's definitely going to be a problem, but it's a problem for Future Yoongi. Even if Namjoon is entirely useless in bed, he has fingers. They can figure it out. It's not going to take much.
"Uh," Namjoon says, stopping short. Yoongi whines, shoving Namjoon in the shoulder to get him to continue. If he's gonna have to lie about all his hickeys, Joon better give him like, fifty.
"What?" Yoongi says, annoyed and blinking his eyes open. "Oh, now you decide to get weird about it?"
"What? No!!" Namjoon says, shaking his head furiously. "No, no hyung, I would never get weird about you being trans. You know I don't care at all. I've just, uh. I've never," Namjoon says, biting his lip. "Uh." He gestures to Yoongi's crotch. "With anyone."
"Oh sorry, am I taking your gay virginity?" Yoongi snipes, to hide the sudden rush of relief he feels at Namjoon directly addressing the elephant in the room. "I promise, baby. I'll be gentle."
"Why are you such an asshole?" Namjoon growls, giving up on trying to have a proper conversation and going back to sucking Yoongi's soul out through his collarbone. He shoves one hand up Yoongi's shirt, dragging his fingernails over the skin. Yoongi kicks his hips forward, hard cock rubbing up against Namjoon's stomach through their clothes.
Then Yoongi sighs, because he does have a conscience. Unfortunately. "Hey, wait," Yoongi says. "I'm not actually going to be a dick if it's your first time," Yoongi says, trying to catch Namjoon's eye. "I didn't mean to--it just came out wrong. I can, like. Teach you?"
"I'm probably going to suck at it," Namjoon mutters, and Yoongi shoves his shoulder again, gently. "Joon-ah! we talked about this. Don't psych yourself out so much."
"I know, I know. I gotta believe I'm gonna succeed, not that I'm gonna fail," Namjoon mumbles, mouth softening on Yoongi's neck as he kisses over the bite marks.
" 'xactly," Yoongi says, rubbing a hand over the back of Namjoon's neck. The short hair pricks at his palms, feels good along his skin. Namjoon smells like sweat and deoderant and mostly-clean boy, which is more than Yoongi can say for himself right now. It's nice. "Hyung will show you how, Joon-ah. You don't have to worry."
"Wouldn't it be funny if this breaks our writer's block?" Namjoon says, out of nowhere.
Yoongi shrugs, still petting the back of Namjoon's neck. His skin is warm and soft and golden-brown when set against Yoongi's pale, knobbly hands. "It's worth a shot. We've tried caffeine, working out, fighting. Might as well try sucking dick."
"Yeah," Namjoon agrees. Yoongi realizes almost too late that Namjoon has his face just pressed into Yoongi's neck, like he's hiding in his hyung's arms. Like he's scared. Yoongi has to fight the surge of overprotectiveness that rises up in him, making him suddenly want to cuddle Namjoon closer. Protect him from everything.
But they don't--they don't cuddle. It's not what they do.
"Come on," Yoongi says quietly, risking a kiss to Namjoon's temple. "Hyung will do you first. Then you can decide."
" 'm not scared" Namjoon says.
"Didn't say you were," Yoongi says. He licks his lips, swallowing hard. "It's--it's okay. You really don't have to. Hyung isn't going to pressure you. He can just take care of you, if that's what you want."
"What? No, I want to," Namjoon says, finally raising his head up to meet Yoongi's gaze. His eyes are large and dark in the low light. Desperate, but hesitant. "I--shit."
"What?"
"Show me," Namjoon continues. "Come on, hyung. Show me how to use my mouth." He presses his thumb up against Yoongi's lips. Makes eye contact. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," Yoongi agrees, licking gently at the tip of Namjoon's thumb. He takes it in his mouth, drawing his tongue along the nail just to watch the way Namjoon throws his head back and groans. Yoongi nibbles on Namjoon's thumb and wonders where all this sudden tenderness is coming from. Maybe it's always been there, lurking underneath the frustration.
"You don't need to worry about it," Yoongi says, meeting Namjoon's gaze. Namjoon's eyes are soft, and Yoongi feels something inside his chest crack open, like hummingbirds. Something decidedly too tender for this moment, that he immediately knows he needs to keep hidden. "Hyung's got you."
2025
(You act like done with this past life/then you pass like dust in a flashlight--)
"Thank fucking god," Namjoon says, in the here and now, leaning in and pressing Yoongi up against his desk with hot, insistant kisses. Yoongi tries not to think in too much detail about the first time they did this.
"You're gonna give me head," Yoongi tells him, trying to sound stern but mostly sounding breathless. "It's been forever."
"Hell yes," Namjoon says.
"And if you get come on my fucking keyboard I will murder you in your sleep."
" 'kay hyung."
"Actually, no, wait. We're fucking on the bed," Yoongi informs him. Namjoon tugs Yoongi in closer, one big hand tipping Yoongi's jaw up, thumb trailing over his Adam's Apple. "We not even going to be close to the keyboard."
"Whatever you say, baby," Namjoon says in that deep, rich voice of his, and it's entirely too hot so Yoongi rolls his eyes and does what he does best and pokes Namjoon in the balls.
"OW," Namjoon says, wincing and drawing back like he's been burnt. "What was that for??"
"Move," Yoongi says primly. "I can't get to the bed."
"You don't need to jab me in the balls to get me to move," Namjoon says, looking mystified. "You could have just asked."
"You were blocking the way," Yoongi says, shoving his hair out of his eyes. He runs his fingers through it and then he thinks better of it, grabbing an elastic off his wrist and gathering the top pieces in a bun. It's not quite long enough to all make it in, but it's good enough.
He takes the ten steps needed to cross the bedroom, to reach the bed from the small office area, and then he flops down on it heavily. It's stupid, but he always feels a little more in control with Namjoon if he's being kind of an ass. Namjoon, for his part, seems to know that by now, because he shuts up and follows, sliding to his knees. He reaches up and tugs down Yoongi's pants and his boxers, Yoongi lifting up his hips to help him.
Yoongi lets Namjoon tug everything down to his ankles, and then he spread his legs, letting the cool air from the room hit his dick and the warmth between his legs.
Namjoon stares directly between Yoongi's legs. Licks his lips again.
"You're such a Chaser," Yoongi says, but it comes out deeply fond.
"Bisexual," Namjoon corrects him, leaning into kiss Yoongi's thigh. "I'm just very bisexual, that's all."
"I mean, I've met plenty of bi guys who aren't into this," Yoongi says, hissing out through his teeth at the feeling of Namjoon's warm mouth on his thigh.
"Are you going on the apps again? Hyung, what the fuck. Just come over and fuck me," Namjoon says, sounding annoyed. He continues kissing up the inside of Yoongi's thigh. "I'm literally next door and I eat pussy like a champ."
"Stop, I can only get so erect," Yoongi says flatly. "Bragging about your pussy eating skill isn't hot, Joon."
Namjoon pulls back for a moment and just stares at him.
"Oh come on, I was twenty four!" Yoongi says in exasperation, throwing up his hands.
"You're insufferable, hyung," Namjoon says, shaking his head and going back to what he was doing. "And stop trying to distract me because you're nervous."
"I'm not nervous," Yoongi says immediately. Much too quickly and too emphatically, judging by the look that Namjoon gives him. "Shut up. And hurry up, what are you even doing down there?"
"Warming you up," Namjoon says.
"I'm warm," Yoongi says, feeling the sweat starting to gather on his temples and along his spine. He's just really fucking exposed like this, that's all. He squirms, unsure if he's feeling embarassed or horny. Or both. "I'm very warm. I promise."
"If I suck your dick will you shut up?" Namjoon says
"No promis--oh, fuck," Yoongi whines, hips kicking up as Namjoon leans in and sucks Yoongi's entire dick into his mouth. Yoongi's hands fly down to hold onto Namjoon's head, keeping him in place even though Namjoon is holding onto Yoongi's thighs. "Oh, god. That's so fucking good."
"Mmmph," Namjoon mumbles around his dick. It sounds self-satisfied somehow, but all Yoongi can think about is how Namjoon is just fucking going for it, pure suction, the entire thing sucked into his mouth while he flicks his tongue against the head.
"Fuck I am so glad I taught you to suck dick," Yoongi says, before his brain to mouth filter kicks in.
Namjoon pulls back for a minute, laving his tongue over the hood and licking Yoongi from his hole up to his cock, long and slow.
"Kinky, hyung," he says, but he's grinning. "Always knew you secretly liked being my first."
"Not like that!" Yoongi says. "Fuck. I just meant. You know how to--Actually, you know what, I'm gonna shut up now," he mumbles. "My brain's clearly offline."
"You're not wrong, though," Namjoon says, leaning back in to trail the point of his tongue around the head. He uses his fingers to push back the hood, to play with the head of Yoongi's cock and pinch it between two fingers and his thumb. "I definitely know what you like."
Uh-huh, Yoongi thinks, dazed. Why did he think this was a bad idea, again?
"Fuck, hyung. You're so wet," Namjoon murmurs, flattening his long for a few more long, slow licks. "Taste so good."
"Joon," Yoongi whines, caught between mortification and feeling desperately horny.
"You always taste good," Namjoon says, sucking Yoongi's dick back between his lips. He's a little rough with it, just the way Yoongi likes; no teeth, but hard, rhythmic suction and oh, god, Yoongi's close already. It's been way too long.
"Fuck," Yoongi says. "Fuck, keep--"
Namjoon tugs him even closer for a moment, fingers bruising his thighs, and then he leans back, letting his tongue hang out just under the head of Yoongi's cock. He looks up at Yoongi like he's in porn, waiting for a cumshot.
Little fucker. He knows what that does to Yoongi.
"I said keep going," Yoongi grits out, tugging Namjoon back onto his cock as Namjoon snickers deep in his throat. "Fuck, baby, that's it. You like sucking hyung's cock?"
"Mmph," Namjoon says, enthusiastically. Yoongi kicks his hips up and out, shoving himself down onto Namjoon's tongue. He fists one hand in Namjoon's hair and tugs and Namjoon moans right into his skin. It makes the most delicious tingles climb up Yoongi's spine, and then Namjoon does something delicate with his tongue and Yoongi's muscles are locked up and he's coming.
"Fuck," Yoongi says, feeling himself spill over just a little into Namjoon's mouth. "Oh fuck, you're so good at that."
Namjoon leans back, panting, and wipes the back of a hand across his mouth. "You're welcome," he says, looking deeply satisfied. "That was what, five minutes?"
"Shut up," Yoongi says, also panting. "I told you. It's been a while."
"You wanna go again? I think you can go again."
"I--maybe?" Yoongi says.
"Tell me if it's too much," Namjoon says, settling himself back down between Yoongi's legs.
"Do you want to like, come up here?" Yoongi says, before he thinks better of it.
"Your dick is down here," Namjoon says, after a beat. "I'm not following, hyung."
"No, like--I can lie down on the bed? Actually, fuck it, just forget it," Yoongi says, feeling more and more embarassed the longer they talk about it. "Forget I said anything. Never mind."
"Aww, are you worried about my neck hurting, baby?" Namjoon says, rubbing one finger across Yoongi's hole and then sliding it inside. "That's sweet of you."
"No," Yoongi lies. "Why would I be worried about your neck? You're younger than me. And don't call me baby."
"God, you're fucking easy for it tonight," Namjoon says. He presses his finger in deeper and Yoongi's breath hitches. It's like no matter what Yoongi says Namjoon is just barreling past his defenses which--kind of tracks, honestly. Namjoon has always known how to get a rise out of him.
"Remember the first time we--?" Namjoon says.
"No," Yoongi lies, like it isn't seared across his brain in technicolor. Like it isn't something he thinks about roughly once a day, on the bad days. "That was forever ago, Joon."
"Well, I remember," Namjoon says, and then his mouth is busy again, and there's no more talking for a while.
2015
(I know I'm a little late/you've been doing okay, haven't you--?)
"I was thinking you should fuck me," Namjoon says, his voice casual, like this is a normal topic of conversation instead of a sentence spoken on the wrong end of three am on the floor of Namjoon's studio.
"I'm sorry, you what?" Yoongi says, pulling back from Namjoon's mouth.
"What? You don't want to?" Namjoon says, frowning. "Oh."
"Wait--no. Fuck. Of course I want to, I just--" Yoongi feels his face heat. "I need some warning for that. I don't have anything to--I just have my packer. My dick's uh. Back at the dorm."
"You could use your hands?" Namjoon says, giving Yoongi's hands a long once-over. He looks like he's thought about this a lot, and what the fuck, how did Yoongi miss this? "I've got lube."
"Since when did you develop a sudden need to be fucked?" Yoongi says, and then immediately regrets it when he sees Namjoon shut down a little. "Wait, shit. I'm sorry, this just threw me off." He presses an apologetic kiss to Namjoon's mouth, holding his face in between his hands. "I'm sorry. I wish I could, you know. Fuck you right. You deserve that."
Namjoon sighs. "I wish you could too," he says. He licks his lips. "I just keep thinking about it, you know? Like. What it would be like."
Yoongi nods. It's not like he hasn't thought the same. He's got a nice dick back at the dorms that he's used exactly once, because his chosen career does not afford him a lot of time or energy for going out and finding people to top. It's dangerous, for both Yoongi and his career. But if Namjoon really wants that--
"Do you think they're still awake?" Yoongi says, immediately feeling like he is about to make a very stupid decision that will result in him getting approximately no sleep and also a lot of lube all over Namjoon's studio floor.
Namjoon's eyes darken. "I could check," he says, biting his lip. "We could go back there."
"We can't do it there," Yoongi says, shaking his head. "It's--It's the kind of thing that it's hard to be quiet about it. When someone's fucking you, I mean." He shakes his head. "No, I think the options are me fingering you or--I mean. I guess you could fuck me." He says it like it's no big deal, when in fact Yoongi's heart feels like it's going to beat out of his chest.
He's never done that, really. Fingering is one thing, a finger or two feels good, but he's never felt comfortable enough with someone to let them--yeah.
It's a little terrifying that he feels comfortable enough with Namjoon to really consider it.
"Hyung," Namjoon says, looking concerned. "You don't have to do that. I would never ask you to do that."
"You're not asking, I'm offering," Yoongi says, pressing himself more firmly against Namjoon's thigh. God, he's hard. Painfully so. He could probably get off on this alone. "I mean, your dick is stupid big, but I think we could make it work. Do you have condoms?"
"Yeah, but I--" Namjoon looks so conflicted. "Are you sure? I don't want to do anything you don't want to do."
Yoongi swallows. Bites his lip. Time for the reckoning.
"I kind of want you to," he mumbles, like if he doesn't say it too loud, maybe it won't be as mortifying. "I mean. You said you wanted to be fucked, so I know you get it." He draws in a deep breath. "You're not the only one who thinks that might be hot."
Namjoon swallows. He looks at Yoongi in the darkness for a long time, searching Yoongi's face for something. Yoongi doesn't know what. Every once in a while Yoongi feels himself throbbing between his legs, an urgent rush of blood and hormones, but he tamps it down. Not is not the time.
"If you'll let me, then yeah," Namjoon says, finally. "I have condoms. We could do that." He pauses. "You gotta promise to fuck me later, though."
"Course," Yoongi says, rolling onto his back as Namjoon stands up and starts rummaging in through his wallet. "That's a given. Don't worry, hyung will fuck you real good." He feels another pulse between his legs. God, he wishes Namjoon had told him sooner. He wants Namjoon to fuck him but also Namjoon's cute little ass is right there in front of him and he wants to hear him moaning Yoongi's name.
"Do we need lube?" Namjoon says, pulling two condoms out, triumphantly. "We probably need lube, huh."
"For that Rap Monster? Yeah, we're gonna need fucking lube," Yoongi says, almost managing to keep a straight face.
"I hate you, so much," Namjoon says, rolling his eyes. He grabs the lube from his desk drawer. Yoongi kicks his pants away from his ankles, and tries to get comfortable. He's just in his boxers, laying back on his spread-out T-shirt so he doesn't get rug burn on his back.
"Yeah, well, do it for the album," Yoongi says, as Namjoon gently lays down naked on top of him, settling in between Yoongi's spread legs. He doesn't take off Yoongi's boxers, not yet. "We still need three more tracks."
"Don't remind me," Namjoon mutters, cupping Yoongi's dick through his shorts. He presses two fingers through the hole in his boxers, stroking gently at Yoongi's packer. "You want to take these off?"
"Yeah," Yoongi says, swallowing big and deep as he slides them down. He doesn't usually take them off when they do this--he can just take his packer out, and Namjoon can get a few fingers in him through the front placket and that's, that's what they do. Sometimes Namjoon will use his mouth and that's good, too, but usually Yoongi is on the couch and Namjoon is on his knees, on the floor. They've never done it like this before. Never face to face.
"My ass is gonna get scraped to hell like this," Yoongi whispers, to break up the sudden tension.
"No one sees your ass except me," Namjoon says. Then, "You want to put my shirt down?"
"Yeah," Yoongi says, and then they're finally situated and Namjoon is cupping his dick and pressing two long, warm fingers up inside Yoongi and Yoongi is gasping out his name on a whispered sigh.
"Fuck," Yoongi says. Namjoon kisses his neck, his other hand wrapped around Yoongi's waist. He's being gentler than normal. Yoongi doesn't say anything, but he appreciates it all the same. "Okay, do three."
"You sure?"
"Yeah," Yoongi shoots back. "If I can't take three, I sure as hell can't take your dick."
Namjoon nods, leaning in for a kiss as he slides another finger inside. Yoongi pulls him in, hands cradling his face, mouth hot and wet and desperate. Namjoon keeps his thumb on the head of Yoongi's dick, rubbing in little wet circles, and that feels almost as good as the fingers inside him.
"I didn't think this is something you wanted," Namjoon whispers, pressing the words into the skin of Yoongi's collarbone. He works his fingers harder--in and out, in and out. "Fuck, hyung. You really want me to put it in?"
"Yeah," Yoongi gasps out, his hips tensing up, bucking against the pressure. Those circles are doing a lot of legwork. "Fuck. Can you--can you like, jerk me off a little--" he doesn't really know how to say my dick needs attention right now for this not to be super weird for me but Namjoon gets it anyhow, backs off and grips Yoongi between his thumb and forefinger, giving him some long, perfect pulls.
It eases something within him, knowing that Namjoon still--that this won't change anything between them. Namjoon will still see Yoongi how he's always seen him, as just another guy, and it's that surety that gives him the final boost that he needs to say "Alright, c'mon. Put it in."
"You su--"
"Kim Namjoon I will get up and walk out of this studio if you don't fuck me right now, see if I don't," Yoongi growls, and Namjoon shuts up. He lines himself up, hand around his cock, and Yoongi tries to spread his legs a little more. He's really not used to being fucked from the front, and he's definitely not used to being fucked in this hole.
"Do it, put it in," Yoongi whispers, and then he feels the head of Namjoon's dick in his hole and he grunts because what the fuck, who the fuck gave Kim Namjoon a dick this big?
"Holy shit," Yoongi gasps out.
"Okay?" Namjoon says, looking worried. "It's just the head, hyung. I can take it out--"
"No, s'fine," Yoongi says. Once the sudden stretch is over it, really is fine. It's not nearly as intense as taking a dick up his ass, actually. He's okay. He can do this. "Just move a little more."
"Right," Namjoon says, and he fucks his hips forward and then back, setting up a sloppy rhythm. Yoongi tilts his head back, breathing hard. Namjoon slides in a little farther each time, an extra milimeter deeper. The lube squelches between them. Yoongi can feel the condom. He shivers when Namjoon pushes in a little deeper, a little harder. Feels himself opening up from the inside so Namjoon can carve out space for himself.
He really doesn't hate it.
"Yeah," Yoongi says, softly, "That's good, Joon. It feels good." The moment stretches out, unexpectedly tender. Yoongi did not expect to be losing his boy-cunt virginity tonight but now that he's here he's--he's having some unexpected feelings about it. He didn't expect to feel this close to Namjoon, but he does. He slides one hand down between his legs, jacking himself off, and the other one he fumbles around until Namjoon gets the idea and links their hands together, pressing both of them to the floor.
Namjoon lets out a shaky breath, and then he's burying his face in Yoongi's good shoulder, biting his teeth down on the meat of Yoongi's tendons.
"Ow! Fuck, I need that shoulder," Yoongi says.
"Sorry," Namjoon mumbles. "Sorry, you just--hyung, you feel so good." He swallows. "I don't want to hurt you."
"I'm not breakable," Yoongi says, which is the lie of the fucking century. Out of all the lies he's ever told, this one has to be the biggest, but fuck it. "Do it harder. It's not like you're fucking my ass, Joon. You don't need to be that gentle."
Namjoon groans. "Can we please do that," he mumbles, sitting up and grabbing Yoongi's hips with both hands. They span the length of his hipbones, thumbs pressing near the hollow of his sacral crests. "God, want you to fuck me."
"The feeling is mutual," Yoongi gets out, before Namjoon starts really moving his hips and Yoongi's world ceases to have any rational meaning. It's just the thick slide of Namjoon's cock deep inside him, the way Namjoon's stomach brushes against his dick on each thrust, the way he can open his eyes and watch Namjoon's tendons flex and his stomach tense up every time he fucks in.
"What?" Namjoon says, at one point, noticing that Yoongi is watching him. There's a bead of sweat dripping down his temple and Yoongi thinks Namjoon has never looked as handsome as he does right now.
"This still feels real gay," Yoongi says, and Namjoon rolls his eyes, snapping in a thrust that makes Yoongi see stars.
"Of course it's fucking gay," Namjoon grumbles, leaning down to spit on Yoongi's cock and then give it a few slick pulls. "We're both dudes."
"You know what I mean," Yoongi says. It's getting harder to think again. Namjoon has more rhythm than he gives himself credit for. "Was afraid it would feel too straight."
"I would suck your cock right now, while fucking you, if I physically could," Namjoon grits out. "Shit, hyung. You're so fucking wet, what the fuck."
"Nngh," Yoongi replies, giving up on speech. He reaches out a hand again, flailing until he can get a hand around Namjoon's bicep. "Come here. Kiss me." he says shortly, and it's the last time they speak until the sunrise.
2025
(If we start again/I won't lose you this time--)
"I'm fucking you," Yoongi says, three orgasms deep, trying to catch his breath. Namjoon still hasn't come yet, which is frankly some kind of miracle of modern science. He's big, but he's never had the best staying power. Yoongi wonders if he jerked it in the shower before coming in here, just in case. "In case you were wondering how this is gonna work."
"Good," Namjoon says, sitting back on his heels. His hair is a mess, and he wipes his forearm against his mouth and chin to soak up all of Yoongi's come. "I showered. Just in case."
"You're so lucky I brought the pack n' play with me," Yoongi grumbles, sitting up on the bed for a moment in just his T-shirt and no pants. Fuck, now he has to find it somewhere in his suitcase. Where the fuck would he have put it?
"Planning on getting some action in LA?" Namjoon says, lightly. It almost comes off as inquisitive, but Yoongi's known Namjoon for too long for that. He can hear the hurt in Namjoon's voice, and he sighs.
"Not really," Yoongi admits, stumbling over to his suitcase. He squats down, searching through a random pile of stuff. "I just figured, like. Better to have it. Just in case. Besides, now I can use it on you, so don't get jealous of some imaginary guy, okay?"
"I'm not," Namjoon lies. He totally is. He strips his T-shirt off above his head, hitting the lights and shoving his boxers off, landing heavily on Yoongi's bed. "I just think you should ...ultilize the resources you have available to you."
"Like your dick?" Yoongi says, turning around to give Namjoon a sarcastic eyebrow.
Namjoon shrugs, waving his fingers in the air like a magician. "I have other talents."
"Aish," Yoongi says, shaking his head. He finally spots it hidden in a pile of dirty underwear (ew) and wipes it down carefully with some sex-cleaning-wipes he found stashed away in a side pocket, next to a suction vibrator. He doesn't have a grinding pad with him, but this model has a stroker suction base, so it really does feel like an extension of his dick.
He gets himself set up, feeling slightly silly as always, even though he's never felt a need to have a huge dick. It's the sort of vague silliness he imagines he'd also feel if his erection was just out there bobbing in the wind. It doesn't help that Namjoon is watching him with hungry eyes, taking in everything.
"Stop it," Yoongi says, while he's getting his dick inside more firmly inside the toy and pulling the harness straps tight. "You're being weird."
"I'm sorry you're hot?" Namjoon says, raising an eyebrow back. "I can't help it, hyung. It's all the muscles. It looks so good on you."
"Yeah, yeah," Yoongi grumbles, ducking his head to hide his blush. He'll never have the cut gym-twunk figure the rest of the band are chasing--he just doesn't have the need or the self-discipline for it, frankly--but he does think he looks okay right now. He's still got a little belly, but his arms are toned and firm from all the physical therapy. His thighs are stronger, too. Turns out that squats really actually do something.
"Lemme suck your dick," Namjoon says, rolling over to the side of the bed and opening his mouth and letting his tongue loll out like a dog. He looks up at Yoongi with puppy-dog eyes. "Just a little."
"More than you already have?" Yoongi says, amused.
"Like getting my mouth filled up," Namjoon mumbles, and fuck, Yoongi is not going to say no to watching Namjoon suck his strap, especially when he takes it with as much enthusiasm as he's showing right now. His cock is hard on his thigh, leaking pre-come, a deep reddish brown. Yoongi digs his fingers into Namjoon's hair and holds on, watching the way Namjoon's throat works and the shine of spit on his pretty lips and shamefully enjoying Namjoon's light attempts to choke himself on it.
"Fuck, we need you to track vocals tomorrow for the demos," Yoongi whines, pulling his dick away after the third such attempt. "You gotta stop that." Namjoon whines back, holding his hips with both hands. "Wanna."
"Too bad," Yoongi says, climbing onto the bed. "And move over. How do you want it?"
Namjoon just grabs one of the pillows from the suite's frankly neverending supply, lying on his back and shoving it under his ass.
"Cool, remind me to burn that one after," Yoongi mutters. He's got lube stashed in the nightstand drawer--just a small travel bottle, but it's enough for this. He nods his chin at the direction of the nightstand and Namjoon thankfully reads his mind, reaching up and rummaging around in there and pulling it out.
"If you're gonna burn the pillow anyway," Namjoon says, passing it over to him. "Use a lot."
"Don't worry, I know you like it wet," Yoongi says, dumping a little too much on his palm and looking up at Namjoon through his eyelashes.
"You say that like it's a bad thing."
"Yeah, well it is when we're fucking in my bed," Yoongi says. He thinks better of it, reaching down and grabbing a dry (but destined for the laundry) towel off the floor. He shoves that under Namjoon's hips as well with his clean hand; Namjoon is just lying there calmly, slowly stroking himself and looking at Yoongi and it's making Yoongi antsy.
"What?" Yoongi says, a touch too rudely.
"Nothing," Namjoon sighs. He drops his dick on his thigh, and the precome on the head shines in the low light. "You're so cranky tonight. Come here."
"What," Yoongi says, softer now, after he's crawled up the bed and their mouths are almost touching and he's grabbed Namjoon's dick with his wet hand, figuring it's as good a place as any to rest it. Namjoon breathes in through his nose and out through his mouth and it's his turn to look at Yoongi from under his eyelashes.
"If you don't want to do this--" he starts, but Yoongi kisses him before he can finish. It's soft but firm, their mouths moving together instinctually.
"I do," Yoongi admits, swallowing hard. "Sorry, I'm just. Sorry I'm so--me. Sometimes."
"I like you," Namjoon says quietly. He leans in for another kiss and it's slick, hot and slow, and Yoongi wonders how he managed to give this up for so long, how he's been existing in the world for the past three years without Namjoon's solid bulk underneath him or his elegant hands on Yoongi's thighs or the way he whimpers when Yoongi strokes him just right. Wonders how he ever thought that he could just stop doing this, how sleeping those other men and women could somehow make up for the loss of Kim Namjoon in his bed.
"God, I missed you," Yoongi says, and it comes out so low and deep that it's almost inaudible, but Namjoon hears it anyway. He hears it and he smiles at Yoongi, one of those brilliant blindingly bright smiles that make his dimples pop. Yoongi moves his hand lower, tracing it along Namjoon's crack, watching his face as he traces gently over Namjoon's hole with one finger.
"I, ah," Namjoon says. "A little. You know in the shower."
"Confident, weren't we?" Yoongi rasps, smiling.
"I figured that even if you said no, I'd at least have gotten some fingering action."
Yoongi snorts, carefully pressing one finger inside. Namjoon draws in a large breath and then breathes it out, relaxing his whole body slowly.
"I see you had fun," Yoongi says, raising an eyebrow at him and going back in with two fingers, suddenly desperate for the sucking warmth of Namjoon around him. Namjoon runs hot anyway, sweat already beginning to bead on his temples, but like this it's like Yoongi can feel him burning up from the inside.
"Are you calling me a slut because I jerked off in the shower?" Namjoon laughs, and when he laughs he clenches down around Yoongi's fingers, both of them letting out a groan at the feeling.
"No," Yoongi says, adjusting his wrist and starting to move his hand. "It's hot. What were you thinking about?"
"You, obviously."
"Really?" Yoongi says, casting his eyes down and away. It's still weird to him, to be the objection of Namjoon's affections like that. Yoongi knows at first he'd just been convienient, and then they'd been there for each other in a way that the others weren't, and it just--he's not used to being an object of Namjoon's fantasies. He's not uncomfortable with it--he can feel slick heat between his legs at the thought--but it's just. It surprises him, every time.
"When are you gonna accept that people want to fuck you?" Namjoon says, reading him exactly right the first time, the bastard.
"That's not me," Yoongi says, shrugging one shoulder. "That's--the fans don't know. They want to fuck someone who looks like me and who has a real dick, Joon."
"People are more perceptive than you give them credit for," Namjoon says, arching his back as Yoongi brushes two fingers over his prostate. "But even--fuck!--even if it's like that, you know the rest of the guys would--"
"Please stop talking about the band while I have my fingers up your asshole," Yoongi says, kissing the words out of Namjoon's mouth for a long, luxurious minute. He can feel Namjoon clenching around him. He breaks away, panting. "It's weird, Joon-ah."
"They'd all fuck you, just saying," Namjoon says, hurriedly, like he's not sure Yoongi's going to let him get the words out.
"Are you trying to ruin my erection?"
"Please," Namjoon says, grinning at him, suddenly sharp, all shark's-teeth. "Don't try that with me. You would. At least a few of them, you would."
Yoongi can feel a blush rising to his cheeks and staining his chest and collarbones. "I--I mean," he says, weakly.
"It's okay, I would too," Namjoon says, like it's a secret, kissing him again. "But we don't have to talk about it."
"Thank you," Yoongi says, still feeling unaccountably flustered. It's just--there's not even that many people he's attracted to, for fuck's sake. Bringing up a pile of them at once and saying they'd all fuck him has him feeling suddenly shy.
"You're so cute when you get flustered," Namjoon says. "Do three now."
"You're trying to get me all worked up," Yoongi says, the thoughts suddenly clicking together in his mind with the neatness of puzzle pieces. "Wow. You need to be fucked that badly, Joon?"
Namjoon bites his lip. "You can't tell me it doesn't work," he says, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, alright," Yoongi mutters to himself, shoving Namjoon's left thigh up, so he has better access. He's a little rough about it but Namjoon just moans, his eyes dark and liquid, and Yoongi thinks, aha. Namjoon's been playful all night, but in a sort of--a sort of bratty way, bringing to mind all the times they used to do this, back when they were much younger and it was a much worse idea. The sex was, objectively, always amazing, but it was always more amazing if they were a little pissed off at each other.
So.
Namjoon wants Yoongi to just rail him into the mattress, then.
Yoongi's happy to oblige.
He wets his fingers again and comes back with three, not giving Namjoon a chance to catch his breath before pushing them in deep and slow, all the way to the third knuckle. Then he starts moving almost immediately, like he's a little impatient with it. He both hears and feels the way it makes Namjoon's breath catch.
Honestly, it's a good thing he has to do so much PT for his shoulder, because post-military Namjoon is a lot heavier than he used to be. His body feels dense and firm now under the skin; thighs smooth and thick with muscle, his chest rounded enough to practically fill out a bra. Yoongi's suddenly glad for all the bicep and tricep exercises he had to do every day, even if he wasn't constantly working out like the rest of them. It's enough that he can lift Namjoon's thigh up easily, enough to really work his forearm muscles as he slides three fingers in and out.
"Fuck," Namjoon says breathlessly. "Hyung, you--"
"You want it a little rough, you get it a little rough," Yoongi says, feeling a smirk grow behind his smile. "That what you want, Joon? You miss getting tossed around a little?"
Namjoon just nods, swallowing thickly and throwing his head back. " 'm ready," he says, his hips starting to work against Yoongi's hand. "You can--c'mon, put it in, I'm ready."
"Greedy," Yoongi says, but it comes out fond. He pulls his fingers out carefully, wipes them on a towel and then goes back in for more lube.
Actually--
Yoongi presses two fingers back inside Namjoon, holding him open and then nudging the tip of the lube bottom inside him. Namjoon's hips jump and he gasps out loud when Yoongi presses down and squeezes the bottle.
"Hyung, cold!" he yelps, but his dick is still as thick against his stomach as ever, unflagging. Yoongi grins. He used to do this sometimes, back when they were younger and a lot less patient, and his own boycunt throbs at the thought.
"You like it," Yoongi asserts, tossing the lube away after he's coated himself. Namjoon shakes his head, cheeks red and hot underneath his tan. "You do, don't give me that." He lines up the head of his cock against Namjoon's hole and presses inside slowly, dipping just the tip in to catch more of the lube.
"Hyung," Namjoon groans. "Hyung, would you fucking hurry up? God, that feels--" he breaks off on a moan as Yoongi continues the slow pressure of his hips, sliding inside in one long, thick slide. Namjoon's ass is tight and perfect around him, tugging on the strap and increasing the suction around his dick.
Fuck.
When Yoongi finally bottoms out, they're both panting. Yoongi grinds in deep, Namjoon's ass flush against his hips. It feels so good, like Namjoon is really clenching around his sensitive cock, and it's with very little forethought that Yoongi pulls his hips back and starts to fuck him.
"You're still so tight," he mutters, and Namjoon just moans in agreement. "You're--it's bigger," Namjoon says nonsensically, but Yoongi knows what he means. This strap is bigger than his old one, for sure. Yoongi has definitely stuck it up his own ass before, just to see what he's asking of a partner, and it's not small.
"Taking it so well," Yoongi says, instead, because Namjoon is. "Roll your hips a little, yeah, like that." Joon is flushed a dark red all over his chest and stomach, those thick thighs wrapped halfway around Yoongi's waist. His hole is stretched and glistening with lube and something about watching himself fuck Namjoon always makes Yoongi feel powerful, makes him feel strong. Maybe it's stupid and cliche, but it's true. He just wants to take Joon apart, piece by piece, and then put him back together again.
Yoongi loses track of how long he fucks him for, in the deepening twilight, the two of them groaning and sighing together. His cock feels delicious but it's not like he needs to come again, and Namjoon, despite how hungry he is for it, can go for a long time. It feels luxurious, like this; slowly working towards a breaking point, changing positions when one of them gets tired, pausing for a few kisses, a few muttered words of filth.
At one point Yoongi leans down and eats Namjoon out, just because. His hole is all pink and puffy and shining and the lube has mostly dried out and Yoongi feels like a man starving, like he wants to consume Namjoon whole. He flicks his tongue firmly across Namjoon's puffy hole and Namjoon practically sobs, his hand grabbing at the base of his dick.
"Oh, god," Namjoon says. He's holding himself open with one hand for Yoongi's eager tongue, up on his knees, ass presented like a ripe peach. "Fuck, Yoongi."
Yoongi doesn't know how to explain the headspace he gets into when he tops, so he doesn't even try. He just licks over Namjoon's rim, sucking on it, moaning to himself as he goes. It's almost like the closer Namjoon gets, the closer Yoongi gets. Some kind of wild sympathetic orgasm shit.
"I used to think about this--back when we--God,," Namjoon groans, his head falling forward between his shoulders. His voice is muffled. "I never thought you'd actually like it."
Yoongi thinks about the first time he ate Namjoon out, about the way that Namjoon had shot practically halfway across the room. He doesn't know how to say I like it when you like it, that it's not the act itself that makes it so blindingly hot, it's how Namjoon reacts to it.
When he lubes up again and presses himself in, he can feel Namjoon clenching around him. This strap is good, he can feel everything, but he doesn't think he can come like this, and maybe that's for the best. He's a little sore from sobbing through 2 orgasms on Namjoon's fingers already.
Namjoon, however. Namjoon can definitely come like this. Yoongi slides in deep, angling his hips until he hears Namjoon whine.
"There?" Yoongi asks, thrusting slowly in and out.
"There," Namjoon confirms, and his voice is rough and deep like it always is before he comes.
Yoongi gets to work.
He likes this part almost as much as the lazy fucking--the moment when it becomes clear that Namjoon is close, that he's going to come on Yoongi's cock if only Yoongi can get the movements just right. Yoongi isn't really much for dirty talk but he still says "You gonna come on my cock, Joon-ah?" because Namjoon's strangled "Yeah, love your cock," makes stars dance somewhere deep inside his brain, makes his body feel new and perfect and whole.
He fucks Joon deep and hard, overwhelming, the way he likes it. The way he's always liked it, once he got past his initial trepidation. Yoongi thinks about the first time they did this, about locked doors and sleepless nights and Namjoon crying, just a little. Overwhelmed, in a good way. Yoongi gets it. It's a lot, but then that's always what Namjoon has been seeking. Something to turn that ever-churning brain of his off, to ground him in his body and push him to his limits.
Their hips slap together in the darkness, loud and impudent. Careless of anyone who might have come home early, who might be listening. Namjoon sobs out a plea for more, for harder, and Yoongi couldn't stop now if he tried.
"Y'gonna come?" Yoongi slurs out, his own cock thick and plump from all the rubbing, the suction sending shivers down his spine every time he thrusts in. Maybe he can come like this.
"Please--I, Please," Namjoon says, helplessly, and then he's coming, one fist around his cock, moaning deep and low and sonorous. His come hits the dark headboard, a sudden spray of white on the reclaimed wooden boards. Yoongi grinds in deep, working his hips, feeling the way Namjoon is clenching helplessly around the strap.
A little more. A little more and he's gonna come again.
"Fuck, Joon I--gonna come. Gonna come again, can you take it?" Yoongi says, both hands on Namjoon's hips. He's gonna have to keep grinding in, past the point of what is probably comfortable for Namjoon.
"Yeah," Namjoon gasps, the arch of his back slowly lowering back to the bed. "Keep going, hyung. Come inside me."
"Gonna fill you up," Yoongi pants, even though he can do nothing of the sort. Doesn't matter. It's still hot, still what his brain needs to hear. Yoongi wants to fill him up so deep that he's dripping with it, fill him up good he'll never want anyone else.
"Fuck," Namjoon says. His hands find Yoongi's waist, doing his best to hold on. His touch is clumsy but gentle, like all he wants is just to touch Yoongi right now. A point of connection, shimmering in the darkness. "Do it, hyung. Fill me up."
Yoongi comes with grunt and a moan, with a burst of white behind his eyelids and the shuddering of muscles locked up tight, singing along his spine. He can feel a warm wetness gathering in the base of the toy. Namjoon strokes his sides through it, a comforting, grounding motions. Big hands traveling up to his ribcage and then back down to his hips, over and over. Like he wants to remind himself that Yoongi is here, now.
Yoongi pulls out carefully and then slumps forward, burying his nose in the comfortable hollow between Namjoon's ear and his shoulder, wrapping himself bodily around Namjoon. Fuck it, he's a snuggler after sex. He may not like being touched all the time but he needs it right now, when his heart is beating out of his chest. Skin to skin, and all that. Namjoon wraps him up with both arms, settling Yoongi onto of him.
There's a long, mellow silence between them, broken only by a bird calling out in the dark. A space where neither of them need to speak. They've done this so many times.
What else is there to say?
"I'm going to be so fucking sore tomorrow," Yoongi mumbles eventually. "I'm too fucking old for this."
"You're the one who wanted to top," Namjoon says mildly.
"Mistakes were made," Yoongi agrees, making zero effort to move. He's wet and uncomfortable between his thighs, they reek of sex, Namjoon's come is on his stomach--all good reasons to get up and get cleaned up, and yet. Yoongi likes the way Namjoon's skin smells right here.
"Hyung," Namjoon says softly. "What are we?" He sounds hesitant.
"What do you mean, what are we," Yoongi says, swallowing hard. "We're not a thing, Joon."
"You sure about that?" Namjoon says, and he laughs, even though it's not funny. "Because it sure feels like it, sometimes."
"Joon, we can't have this conversation right now," Yoongi says, sitting up. "We're fucking--we're making an album. We have to make the best album we've ever fucking made. We--" Yoongi doesn't even know how to continue. They've written 59 songs since they've been here, and they're not close to done yet. They're in the middle of an uncomfortable period of growth and experimentation that will hopefully yeild results. Nothing is set in stone, right now. Nothing is real.
What are they?
"I should have known better than to ask," Namjoon says, sounding annoyed. He sits up as well, sweeping his sweaty hair off his forehead. His voice is taut, the consonents clipped. "Sorry, hyung. I'll get out of your space now."
"Fuck, Joon, I didn't mean it like that--"
"Trust me, I know how you meant it." Namjoon wipes the come his stomach off with the dirty towel. "It's fine, hyung." He sounds tired. Exhausted, even.
Yoongi thinks back to the first time he saw those pretty brown eyes in a much smaller face. The way Namjoon used to look at him with a mixture of anger and pleading, like Yoongi knew all the magic recipes to making a huge hit, but was holding them back on purpose. The way those eyes softened after the first time they fucked, like Yoongi was someone he could trust, now.
Hyung will do it.
Yoongi has to say something. It has to be him who says it, even though he suddenly feels like he's going to vomit from nerves.
"Joon, we're--we're something," Yoongi stammers, reaching out to pause Namjoon's hands. He can't make eye contact. That's too much to ask, even of a hyung. "Everything is a mess right now, you know it is, but--we're something." He takes a deep breath. "I just don't know what that something is."
Namjoon's head snaps up so fast that Yoongi almost winces. "You're serious?"
"Joon, we've been fucking on and off for over ten years," Yoongi says, swallowing hard. "We've been living togther since--"
"Not anymore," Namjoon says. "Not anymore we haven't and I missed you, hyung."
"I missed you too," Yoongi mumbles, his face flaming. "But everything's changed, Joon. All I know is we're still something. If you want to be."
There's the sound of a door slamming downstairs. They both glance at the door, but neither of them move, unwilling to disrupt this fragile moment. Yoongi slides his hand down Namjoon's arm until they're holding hands, fingers interlocked tight.
"I want to be your something," Namjoon says, and Yoongi nods.
"Yeah," he says. "Yeah, me too."
He thinks: I won't lose you this time.