Chapter Text
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PROLOGUE
Christophers heart broke the day that Felix sat on his sofa, surrounded by their friends, and announced that he would be marrying his girlfriend the following week.
It was a very quick process, given the fact that his marriage was arranged by his father, a desperate attempt to have him take over the buisness and anything to make his son look good.
Felix didn’t want it. Chan could tell by the look on his face, the forced smile as Minho and Jisung congratulated him. It made him sick.
They look at each other for a moment. Chris swollows, looking to the ground.
Felix wasn’t aware of his feelings. Didn’t know that chan had fallen in love with him only a year into their time at college together. Now they were at the end of their four years, and he still hadn’t been brave enough to speak out.
He lets himself think of the time they met, blinking back the tears forming at his eyes.
-
“hey!”
Chan looks up from his desk, met with the face of a smiling boy. His first thought was that this boy was pretty, blonde hair falling infront of his freckled face. His second thought was this boy seemed far to excited for a nine am lecture.
”Um- hi?”
The boy extends his hand, and chan takes it cautiously, shaking it.
”Hi! I’m Felix- sorry I just- first day sort of nervous. Do you mind if I sit next to you?”
He nods, watching as the boy (Felix), pulls out the chair next to him, slumping down into it. He can’t help but eye Felix up, curious and inked drawn to him. He looked far too happy for a buisness student, he gave off a sort of singing aura and smiled at each person who passed him down the steps.
When he pulls out his pencil, the large blue pompom on top shakes, and the ink when he tests it on his paper is glittery. It makes Chan smile.
”Is that a glitter pen?” He asks, pointing to it.
Felix nods, showing off his pen proudly, “yep! Me and my bestfriend took a trip to that fancy store down town ready for the school year. Do you like it?”
He nods, unable to help a smile forming on his face. “It’s really cute. I haven’t seen you around before- do you live in dorms?”
”No I live near by with that friend I mentioned. Oh maybe we could hang out this weekend! You could meet him.”
His excitement falters when Chris doesn’t immediately answer. “Oh- sorry I know stranger and all-“
”No it’s cool. I’d love to. I only have one friend here and as much as I adore him I’m kinda eager to get to know others too, maybe we could all meet up?”
Felix beams. “Sure. What’s your name?”
”Im Christopher. But you can call me Chris- or chan. Whatever works.”
”Okay Channie. Are you from Australia by any chance?”
Chan nods.
”Shut the fuck up no way! So am I!”
They spent the rest of the lecture whispering to each other, memories about Australia and other facts about themselves. Felix was a year younger than him, smart, funny and using the course to train to take over his families wedding planner buisness, another thing they had in common as Chris was here to do the exact same thing, which made them giggle. They made jokes about joining the two.
They had become close remarkably quickly. Chan found himself waiting for Felix in lecture rooms, hanging out at his place every weekend, merging their friend groups.
The first time they hung out was at a college party. Felix and Chan stood together, Felix friend nervously at his side.
His name was Minho, and chan thought he was great. He was a dancer, a remarkable one by the sounds of it. He was witty and sarcastic, a bit weird too, a surprisingly good fit against Felixs happy nature.
That night would go on to create one of the most stable couples Chan had ever seen.
”Oh wait I think I see him- Jisung! Jisung over here!”
Jisung comes patting over to them, smiling at Chan. They had met before college started, being roomed together for dorms. Chan was glad, Jisung had become his bestfriend in a short time and they were very similar to chopsticks in a way. He was a music student, cute and very dramatic in a way that was enderating. A little shit too.
”Hi Chan! Oh you must be Felix I’ve heard so much about you and- oh- um Hi.”
Minhos face turns a comic shade of red. “Hey- I’m Minho nice to meet you-“
”I’m Han Jisung- you are- I’m drunk so maybe that’s why I can say this but- fuck you are gorgeous-“
”You think? God I could say the same about you- Felix why didn’t you introduce me sooner-“
Chan and Felix spent the rest of that party alone together, dancing and singing.
He remembers felixs hands all over his body, the smell of his perfume, the sound of his laughter.
-
He remembers the night Felix ran to him for help, quiet moments shared in darkness.
-
“This is immature as fuck right?” Felix giggles as he sits on the parks swings.
“Not at all. I think running away from a family dinner and texting your bestfriend to come meet you is perfectly reasonable.” Chan stands behind him, smiling when Felix lets out a shocked noise at a small push he gives him.
”I should have heard him out. Who knows? Maybe Christina was a lovely lady who could fulfill my dreams.” He mocks his dads voice.
Chan shakes his head, pushing his friend higher, watching as he kicks his feet. So cute. “It’s a wedding planner business. Not the damn mafia, why is he making it such a big deal.”
”Channie you have a lovely family you won’t get it. Can I come stay with you guys!”
”You are free to go live there while I’m at the dorms.”
”Nah. Won’t be the same without you.”
Chris feels his face getting hotter, smiling at the softer words. “You’re dramatic.”
”If you say so.” Felix stops the swing with his feet, hopping off and grabbing Chans hand. “Come with me.” He pulls him outside of the playground box, dragging him a little further out. He stops on the field, lying down in the grass.
”Felix! There’s probably bugs or something down there I don’t know-“
“Don’t be chicken. Come on cunt.”
”That tounge of yours is nasty-“ he sighs, reaching down and lying on the grass next to felix.
”Oh you don’t know the half of it.” He laughs when Chan lets out a small ‘ew’. Chan turns his head towards him, surprised when Felix is already facing him.
”Channie.”
”Hm?”
”Seriously. Do you think I should just meet her? Get my dad off my back?”
”Felix.”
He smiles, a beautiful sight that makes him look soft and approachable. “Hm?”
”I think you can’t force love. It comes from the most unexpected places, and if you rush it, it doesn’t mean a damn thing. You are a beautiful guy, and you’re perfect in so many ways Lix. You will find someone dads help or not.”
Felix is quiet for a moment, taking in Chans features. “When did you get so wise?”
”Oh when you came into my life. I always look smart compared to you. All the blonde hair dye just seeped into your pretty head.”
”Hey!” He hits his chest, giggling as they start to play fight. It was a common practice between them, Felix was touchy and Chan loved it.
He had Felix pulled against his chest lying down, only letting him go when Felix lets out a sharp exhale. “Fuck! Ow-“
”What- what did I hurt you?”
”No-“ He gets off him, sitting up next to him. “My hands bleeding- I think there’s glass or something around here-“
”Oh great- first bugs now glass- lix let me see.”
”No be careful I can’t see it-“
Chan tries reaching out to Felix, huffing and throwing his hands down onto the grass when he pulls back.
And there’s the glass.
”Shit! Ah holy fuck- found it-“ He picks up the glass, throwing it as far as he can before bringing his hand in front of his face. The cut looks deep, blood pouring down the palm of his hand. “Felix fuck look-“
He extends his hand. Felix does the same, palm also pooling with blood.
“Looks deep- think it will scar?” Chris asks.
”Maybe- look at us. Matching scars how romantic.”
“You are such an idiot.”
”You love me.” Felix smiles.
”Yeah okay.”
He didn’t have the slightest clue how true that was.
-
“Do you have anything to say-“ Felix asks him now, boba eyes staring at him. They look like they have something bigger to say. Chan looks at the scar on Felix’s palm before answering.
He forced a smile. “Congratulations Felix. I’m really happy for you.”
“Thank you.” He blinks a few times, turning away again.
Chan sees the pity in Jisung eyes from the floor, watching the interaction carefully from Minhos lap.
He tried desperately to convince Chan to reveal his true feelings for Felix before it was too late, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, brushing off his bestfriend by saying it was fine.
Even Changbin, another close friend of his, had begged him to try, but no matter what was said, he couldn’t budge. Changbin often said he wished he lived like Minho and Seungmin, blissfully unaware of the tension between him and Felix.
The wedding day would easily go down as the worst day in his life.
He had thrown up three times that morning, and had to be dragged into his suit by Changbin, reminding him that if he didn’t attend, Felix would never forgive him.
So he put on his big boy pants, and sucked it up. He was best man too, the irony of it all made him laugh through the tears that kept flooding his face. He had to keep running to the bathroom to wash his face and hide the redness behind his eyes.
She was a nice enough woman. Pretty, extreamly pretty. Her straight black hair reached her hips and she had pink plump lips.
“Hey Mi-ran- you look beautiful.” He said as he bumped into her, in the way back from his fourth bathroom trip.
He was supposed to be helping Felix get ready, but since their wedding was at a five star hotel, Felix couldn’t come out of his room, running the risk of seeing Mi-ran in the halls, much like he had.
She wasn’t fully ready yet, had her hair and makeup done, but no dress. He meant it. She really did look beautiful.
“Hey Christopher. Thank you- you look brilliant yourself.” She looks him up and down smiling. “Is my husband to be almost ready?”
He ignores the pit in his stomach. “Yep. Will be waiting for you at the top of the isle in just one hour. What are you doing walking about?”
“Ah just needed some fresh air. Plus daddy wants to see me before the ceremony so thought I’d do it now.”
Ah yes. Her father. Recent besties with Felix’s father, hence this whole ordeal.
“That makes sense. You excited to have Lix as a husband?” He hopes she doesn’t notice the strain in his voice.
She doesn’t answer straight away. “Of course I am! Actually since it’s just you- can I ask you something?”
Chan nods.
“Well now that me and him are getting married- you don’t need to do so much to take care of him. I understand that you two have been like two peas in a pod for a couple years now but- thank you for taking care of him, I can take over now.”
He can’t help but furrow his brows. “I haven’t taken care of him- he’s my bestfriend it’s what we do. Are you asking me to give you space-“
“Not space. Just understand that I’m his number one now.” She laughs, but it sounds high pitched and fake. “Anyway- better get going for that dress.” She puts a hand on his shoulder, he has to fight to push it away. “Thank you for coming Christopher, I’ll see you later.”
Chan watches as she walks away, not looking back. The pit in his stomach grows larger, the urge to tell Felix the truth gets louder.
He ignores it.
Instead, he sighs, and heads to put the man he is in love with into a suit. A suit to marry somebody else.
He walks down the hotel hallways, clearing his throat when he finds Felix’s room. He takes a deep breath and knocks.
“Come in!” Says the sweet voice from inside.
Chan pushes open the door, smiling at his friend. He’s already dressed, white suit sitting against his perfect skin beautifully. It makes his stomach churn with butterflies and sadness.
“Oh wow- Felix-“
“Do I look okay? I feel- I don’t know it feels to much I don’t like it.” He pulls at the suit jacket, frowning in the mirror.
”No no- Lixie you look amazing. You look very pretty-“
”Pretty?” He smiles, turning to Chan. “Isn’t that the brides job.”
”Eh gender roles are overrated.” Chan says, walking over to Felix. “Still can’t tie a tye for shit though can you?”
“Well that’s why I have you as my bestman.” He wiggles his eyebrows, grinning when Chris pulls him closer by his tie, starting the knot for him. “I’m really happy you are here.”
“I’m happy to be here. I’m happy for you.” He clears his throat, suddenly finding the knot very intresting.
”You sure? You don’t sound to enthusiastic?”
“What makes you think that?”
“You have been missing half the day. Chan I hope you know your not going to loose me or whatever. We will still hang out all the time.”
“That’s not it-“
“So something is it? Somethings wrong?”
He huffs, finishing the tie. “No nothings wrong.”
Felix grabs his hands before he can let go of him, looking up at him though his eyelashes. Their height difference isn’t anything to extreame, but Felix does have to look up at him in close proximity.
And they are close now. So close, chan can feel Felix’s breath on his face, pupils dialated. He tries to keep his breath steady, tries focusing on anything but Felix’s lips.
“You were never a very good liar Hyung.”
He makes his voice softer. “I promise I’m okay. Nothing is wrong Felix.”
“I hate when you lie to me.”
He exhales a breath, fighting the urge to throw his hands into the air. “I just told you I’m not!”
“I’ve known you for four years! Come on Channie tell me what’s up-“
He looks so desperate. It breaks something inside him.
“Don’t marry her.”
Felix looks at him a second, a smile tugging on his lips.
“What- is that a joke?-“
“No I’m not joking. Felix please don’t fucking marry her-“
His face falls, and he pulls away quickly. “What do you mean don’t marry her- did something happen? Did she say something to you?”
“No. No of course not she just-“ he sighs, throwing his hands into his hair in frustration.
He could tell him. He could confess right now and hope the outcome wavers in his favour. Either way it would set him free, rejection or not. He wouldn’t have to pretend anymore.
He can’t.
“I just think it’s a stupid idea. I mean you don’t even love her and she doesn’t love you. You are only doing this for your fathers benefit- I mean is it really worth it?”
“So now I’m stupid?”
“What- I never said that.”
“Chan I appreciate your concern but I’m fine. It’s marriage- it’s not a big deal.”
“Not a big deal? Felix it’s a life long agreement- you’ve only known each other for a few months.”
“And?” He sits on the hotel bed, looking up at him. “Why do you care? It’s not like it’s you that has to marry her.”
“I care because your my bestfriend Felix!”
“Right. Bestfriend.”
The tone makes him stop his pacing that he had recently picked up. He stops and looks to his friend. “What does that mean-“
“Nothing.” Felix shakes his head. “I just want your support.”
“It’s pretty hard to give you my support on something that I don’t agree with-“
“So why are you here? If you can’t support me then fuck off. You know about my dad shit Chris this was expected I warned you!”
“Can’t you just understand that I’m trying to do what’s best for you?”
“No! No you aren’t you are being unrealistic. Sometimes you don’t marry for love hyung. Maybe once I prove myself we can divorce it’s not a huge deal. Do you support this marriage yes or no?”
Chan looks to the ground for a moment, biting his lip. He shakes his head, a small gesture.
Felix scoffs, standing to his feet. “Go home Chris. Stay for the ceremony and then please just- go fucking home.”
“You’re not serious-“ he hears his own voice tremble as he speaks, his throat feeling tighter and hot tears threatening to pool his eyes again.
Felix looks like he’s about to answer before there’s a knock at the door.
“Felix man! You ready? Jisung’s getting cranky at the severe lack of food so let’s get this done-“ Minho shouts from the other side of the door. “Everything okay in there?”
They stare at each other for a beat. Felix looks away too easily in Chans mind.
“Yeah- yeah I’m coming.”
He walks out of the room, leaving chan alone there. He wants to cry again. Wants to scream or shout or run away.
But he can’t.
He has to go to the ceremony.
It doesn’t shock Chan as much as he thought it would when Felix says I do to Mi-ran.
Instead it felt like a numb ache in his chest, rather than the stabbing he had expected. Jisung and Changbin sent him looks the entire ceremony, sad and full of pity. Minho and Seungmin just looked happy to be there, blissfully supporting their bestfriend.
After Felix and Mi-ran share a kiss, they turn to their respective wedding parties, accepting congratulations.
When Chan shakes his hand, he swears he feels the scar on his palm burn at the contact of Felix’s own. Proof that they were always connected. In their own way anyway.
They stare at each other maybe a second too long before Felix pulls his hand away. He has tears in his eyes, chan doesn’t think they are happy ones.
Chris goes to bed that night wrapped in one of Felix’s shirts, trying to ignore the puffiness and redness of his face. The dull ache in his heart getting deeper with every passing second.
-
"Come on! It’s just a dumb game you have to do it! You picked dare!” Jisung whines, clutching onto his boyfriends arm and shaking his head at Chan.
”Aren’t we a bit childish for all this?” He asks, desperately clutching at straws.
”What’s the problem Channie Hyung?” Felix smirks, crawling over to him across the circle. “You don’t want to kiss me?”
”Eugh get a room you two.” Changbin smiles, throwing a small bit of popcorn at them.
”They won’t be if Chan doesn’t stop being a pussy.” Seungmin states plainly, shrugging his shoulders.
”Well maybe you two should make out if you care about it so much.” Minho throws a supportive wink to Chan before pointing between Seungmin and Changbin.
Seungmin scowls deeply.
“Me and Seungmin already hooked up, been there done that. Plus I’m going to marry Felix’s beautiful friend. What’s his name Hyunjin?”
”Hes taken!” Felix squeals.
”They will break up. I feel it in my knees.” Jisung rubs at his kneecaps.
”Who cares! Get on with it!” Seungmin eyed them angrily, sitting back against the sofa.
Felix smiles, laughing a bit before turning to Chan. “Come on. I’m a good kisser I promise.”
He lets out a small breath, moving closer to Felix before nodding. “Okay-“
Felix doesn’t waste any time. Just smiles dumbly at him before placing his hand on the back of his neck. The small action is enough to have Chan shivering.
And then he kisses him.
Plush pink lips pushed against his own as his friends whoop and jeer around them. Chan doesn’t hear them properly though, his mind is completely full of Felix as they kiss, Chans hand sliding down Felix’s back like it was natural.
It was.
Felix pulls away with a pop, looking into his eyes, Chan knows his pupils are dilated, and can feel the goosebumps under his jacket.
“You’re a very good kisser. Maybe better than i am.”
”I don’t think that’s true-“ chan answers honestly.
-
Chan doesn’t know in that moment, that the room argument would be his and Felix’s last proper conversation for the next five years.
But that’s how things work out he supposes. Some things are meant to be. Like Jisung and Minho moving in together, Changbin having a kid with a stranger right out of college and being right when he said he’d marry Hyunjin one day.
Chan going on to take over his fathers wedding company, Felix doing the same and while competitors, chan not having the heart to really put any effort into it. He would meet Jeongin, working with him and Changbin, and Felix would work with Seungmin.
It’s funny. Not speaking to a man you have so many connections with. They would see each other at parties and Binnies daughters nursery plays, but they didn’t talk, never even really glanced at each other.
It’s sad really. How someone you loved more than life could become a stranger.
***