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“Dean, I can fix that.” Cas leaned across the table, reaching his hand to touch Dean’s forehead.
“No, Cas, it’s fine. Besides, I had it coming.”
Cas grimaced, but stepped back. He could see the look of determination in the hunter’s eyes to punish himself for what he had done under the Mark’s effect.
Dean eventually excused himself to get some sleep, and as he passed Cas he reached out and gently squeezed his arm. Cas smiled weakly. He hoped this could be the beginning of true healing for the hunter. He worried how long Dean might stay angry at himself.
“Cas, how are you feeling?” Sam asked.
Cas shrugged. “I’m tired, but I have no more signs of the spell Rowena placed on me.”
“We can set up a room for you here, there’s plenty of space. And I think it would be nice if you wanted to stick around for a bit.”
Cas smiled. Once before he had tried to make this Bunker home and it had failed miserably, Dean had sent him away to protect Sam. It would be nice to have a place to call home. He nodded and smiled at Sam. “Yes, I would like that.”
“He’ll come around,” Sam said suddenly. “I don’t know how you’ve waited this long, but he will.”
Cas tilted his head. “What do you mean?”
Sam laughed. “Right, ok. We can play it that way.”
Cas sighed. “This is the first time in … well, in awhile since Dean and I have both been us. Neither possessed or cursed or marked by Cain. We are finally just ourselves again.”
“He will come around Cas. You might have to nudge him a little bit.”
Cas nodded. “Thank you, Sam. I will keep that in mind.”
Sam stood up. “Come on, let’s get a room set up for you.”
***
Cas did not usually sleep, but the aftereffects of the curse made him feel exhausted. He stretched out on the bed in the room Sam now designated for him. He was cozily tucked under a soft fleece blanket.
There was a soft knock on the door.
“Yes?”
Dean poked his head in. “Hey Cas, can I come in?”
Cas smiled at the hunter. He had not thought about it until he’d said it last night, but they really had not spent any time together as themselves in possibly years. It had been a long time since there had been any sense of normality between them. He patted the bed beside him.
Dean took the invitation and sat down, and turned to face Cas. He was carrying a mug which he offered the angel. “I made you some tea. I dunno if you want tea, or if it’ll make you feel better, but it’s a thing. …”
Smooth Winchester, it’s your best friend, just fucking relax. Sometimes Cas loved when Dean thought loudly, because it gave him a clue to what the hunter was thinking.
“Thank you, Dean.” Cas took the tea and smiled at him.
“How you feelin’?”
“Weak.”
Dean reached out like he was going to place a hand on Cas’s outstretched leg, and then seemed to think better of it. He seemed uncomfortable, but not because of Cas, more like something was eating away at him.
“How are you, Dean?” Cas tried not to look at the dark bruises on his face. It didn’t matter that he had been cursed, Cas had still been the one to inflict those injuries.
“I’m fine, Cas. I promise.” Dean could see him eyeing the bruises. “It wasn’t you, ok? Please don’t punish yourself about this.”
Cas scoffed. “Right, because you certainly aren’t punishing yourself for actions taken while under a curse.”
“We’ve been over this, I ain’t a role model.”
They both laughed at that. Dean seemed to relax, and they chatted about random things that had happened. Suddenly Dean locked eyes with him.
“I’ve missed this Cas,” he said. “It’s been too long.”
Cas nodded. “I’ve missed it too.”
“Can you stay?” Dean asked. “I mean, Sam told me that you were gonna stay, and this room is great, or there are other rooms if you --, but I mean, the bed needs a new mattress maybe, but if you want, we can go get you something more comfortable, and you’ll need --.”
“Dean,” Cas cut off his rambling. “I want to stay here.”
Dean smiled. “Yeah?”
Cas nodded. “Is that ok?”
“It’s more than ok, it’s awesome!” Dean said enthusiastically. “It’s gonna be so much fun. You’re gonna love it here. Sam takes long showers, though, you have to fight him for it. But you finally get to experience my cooking. And we can catch you up on all the movies you’ve missed, and when you’re feeling better if you want to come hunting with us. It’s gonna be awesome Cas.”
Cas smiled, Dean’s excitement was contagious. But his smile lasted a moment too long, his eyes lingered on Dean longer than intended.
“What?”
“I really like the sound of that,” Cas said, “living here with you.”
A comfortable silence fell over them.
“Dean?” Cas said eventually.
“Yeah?”
“I am sorry for the damage it caused, but I am glad we removed the Mark. I figured you don’t want to talk about it, but if you did, I’m uh, here.”
Cas felt the wave of shame and anger sweep over Dean, and he immediately regretted his words.
“Dean, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up … I didn’t want you to feel bad --”
“It’s ok, Cas. It’s fine.” Dean turned away a little.
“Please don’t shut me out,” Cas said, sitting up more and placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I won’t bring it up again, but please don’t shut down.”
Dean looked at the floor, his voice rough. “The things I did, Cas. I can’t … I don’t know how to make up for them. I was a monster. You could have killed me, you should have.”
Cas shook his head. “I could never do that.” He moved a little closer to Dean. “I’ve never wanted to hurt you, Dean. I can’t. As to fixing what you did, you might want to look at my track record -- I tried so hard to fix the damage I did in Heaven and I only made it worse.”
“You saying I can’t?”
“I’m saying you might lose yourself in that mission.” He moved close enough so they were almost touching. “I care about you, Dean, and I don’t want to see you do that to yourself.”
Dean shifted so that he was leaning back against Cas’s chest. The angel placed his arms on Dean’s arms, gently holding him.
“Is this ok?” Dean asked.
Cas felt like there was more to the question. Or maybe he wanted there to be. He leaned his head against Dean’s shoulder. “Yes, it’s perfect.”
“I thought I’d lost you, Cas. I thought I’d lost everything.” Dean reached a hand up to rest on Cas’s. “I need you, I can’t lose you.”
“You won’t,” Cas promised. They had never sat this close together for an extended period of time. Usually if they got too close Dean pulled away, sometimes including a comment about his personal space. But right now the hunter seemed to melt into Cas’s arms, and the angel savored every moment of it.
“Cas?”
“Yeah?”
“What are we doing?”
“We’re sitting --”
“No, I mean you and I.”
“I was … I thought … what are we talking about?” Cas was confused.
“You and me. What are we? What are we doing? Why do I feel --.”
“Why do you feel what?”
“I uh,” Dean tensed up. “Nothing, I just … I should go.”
“Dean --.”
Dean jumped up, he was almost to the door.
“Dean, please stay. Please.”
Dean froze, his hand on the doorknob. He could feel Cas’s eyes on his back. He was terrified. He wanted this. Whatever had been happening with them a moment ago, he wanted that. But it scared him. Because it wasn’t just the physical part, although maybe that was part of it, but his relationship with Cas was something different than anything he had felt before. And that scared him.
“Dean?” Cas said gently.
Dean took several deep breaths, trying to calm down. He couldn’t tell for sure, but he was at least 110% sure that the angel cared deeply about him, and not just as a friend. There had been something intimate and tender in Cas’s touch just now that told him this, this thing he felt was reciprocated. But he had spent so much of his life thinking he could never find this with anyone, it was a lot to change his perspective on.
Dean opened his mouth, but his lips refused to work. He closed his eyes and concentrated. I love you Cas. I’m scared, and I don’t know why, but I am. But I love you and I want to be with you and I --
Dean’s prayer was cut off abruptly by the strong hands on his shoulders. Cas turned him around, keeping his hands on Dean.
“Cas --” Dean’s voice was rough. “Cas, I --. Kiss me.”
Cas nodded, he closed the space between them and claimed Dean’s lips. Dean let go of the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. Cas was kissing him and the world was still spinning. Every ounce of fear drained out of him and he relaxed under the angel’s touch. Cas pushed him back against the door, his hands roughly exploring the hunter’s body.
It was like they had opened a door and now they could not get enough of each other. Dean pushed Cas’s coat off and started unbuttoning his shirt. Cas’s hands snaked under Dean’s tshirt and caused goosebumps as he traced his hands along Dean’s chest. Dean raised his arms, allowing Cas to remove his shirt, and then pulled him close, their skin warm against each other.
“Cas, I love you,” Dean said breathlessly against his lips.
Cas grinned. “I love you, Dean Winchester. I have for a long time.”
“Show me.” Dean’s eyes darkened in lustful challenge.
Cas shoved him hard against the door, peppering his chest with kisses and lowering himself to his knees as he kissed just above Dean’s waistband. Dean shuddered as Cas’s hands ran along his legs, palming him through his jeans.
Cas reached for Dean’s belt and zipper, pausing to glance up at the hunter. Dean nodded, “Oh god, yes, please.” Content with his consent, Cas removed Dean’s pants and took the hunter into his mouth. Dean gasped, one of his hands smacking back against the door, it’s smooth surface giving him nothing to grab. His other hand gently grasped Cas’s hair, not pushing him, just seeking further contact.
“Cas, oh you’re so good,” Dean mumbled, Cas’s mouth was preventing his ability to form real sentences. Cas sucked down on hard, his tongue teasing the head of Dean’s dick and making him shiver with pleasure. He looked up at Dean and the hunter nearly lost it.
“Cas, yes, wait wait.”
Cas pulled back, his expression unsure. Dean fought the urges his body was having at that moment and motioned to the bed. “Pants. Off.”
Cas finished undressing himself and Dean pushed him backwards so he fell back against the bed. Now both fully naked, Dean climbed on top of him, taking them both in hand. Cas full on moaned at the contact and fucked into Dean’s hand. He stroked his hand back and forth, trying to keep himself from coming even though he was close. He wanted this to be good for Cas. Dean kissed him hard, pressing his body weight down on the angel.
“Dean, yes, Dean,” Cas moaned his name and Dean felt himself pushed over the edge. He stroked them both hard and Cas’s hand gripped his shoulder tight as he came. Breathless, Dean tried to roll to the side of Cas, but the angel pulled him down on top of him. “Please, just stay here a moment.”
Dean nodded, letting himself rest fully on Cas’s body. His whole body was sensitive and he was very aware of the sticky spot on their stomachs. But at the moment he could not care. He breathed deeply, nestling his head in Cas’s neck.
“Cas, that was … you’re awesome,” he mumbled.
Cas trailed his fingers along Dean’s back. “As were you. I’ve never felt that way before.”
“And that was just amateur hour,” Dean joked.
“If you are comfortable with further physical intimacy I would very much enjoy that,” Cas said.
Dean laughed, pushing himself up and rolling to the side. “Cas, man, we gotta work on your dirty talk.”
“Dean, I’m being serious,” Cas monotoned, but a smile danced behind his eyes. “I did not know what you would want … Was that ok?”
Dean grabbed a towel and cleaned them off. He placed a gentle hand on Cas’s cheek. “Cas, it was perfect. And if it hadn’t been I would have said so. Can you do the same? I can’t read your mind and I don’t want to do something you’re not comfortable with. So, talk to me, deal?”
Cas nodded. “Deal.”
Dean leaned down and kissed him again. “Good, cause I have a few ideas for later.”