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“Well… This is it.”
“You know, you don’t have to do this. There has to be another way to locate Sora. Whatever it is, I'll figure it out.”
“Everyone else is doing their part, so I have to do mine as well. If there’s even a chance this could bring us closer to finding him, I have to try. I’ll do whatever it takes to bring him back home safe.”
“I know, I get the feeling. It’s just… I don’t… Look, Kairi…”
“C’mon, you don’t have to worry about me so much anymore! I’m a full-fledged Keyblade wielder now, remember? Whatever happens, I can handle it, so don’t worry. I’ll be back before you know it. Wish me luck?”
“…Yeah. Good luck.”
It had been seven months since Riku watched Kairi disappear behind the massive gates of Radiant Garden’s castle. Seven months she had spent soundly asleep in its lab, searching her heart for answers. Seven months he’d spent in regret, wishing he hadn’t let her go.
The day they lost Sora was undisputably the worst day of Riku’s life, followed closely by every day since. The moment gentle relief turned to confusion, confusion twisted into horror, and horror ruptured into burning grief had replayed in his nightmares a thousand times, each showing as raw and visceral as the last. His heart remained tender, streaked with the scars of screaming tears and fraught with wounds whose pain he couldn’t part with. Sora’s loss had cast him into a deeper abyss than any darkness could conjure. One that, without Sora’s beacon to light his way home, he truly thought would consume him completely.
The weeks that followed Sora’s disappearance were mostly spent crying. But they weren’t spent crying alone.
To say that Kairi had been his stalwart anchor during the storm would be untrue. Sora’s loss had destroyed her just as much as it had him, if not more. The fact that he’d given his life for hers hung over her head like a guillotine. Too many nights they’d spent together where she’d screamed agony into his chest, staining his shirt with grief and pain. But for every night that he’d held her through the tempest, there’d been a day where she’d done the same for him. For weeks, there was scarcely a night they’d spent apart, showing up at each other’s door because they wanted to hang out, or they felt like watching a movie, or one of a billion excuses that they never believed in the first place. Neither of them were doing a good job of keeping their heads above the water but, together, they could at least keep each other from drowning.
“You again?” Riku’s head snapped up only to be greeted by Even’s sneer, standing in the doorway to the laboratory. “Let me guess.” He addressed him dryly. “You’re here to sit in Ansem’s study all afternoon and then leave without saying a word. How revolutionary. You must tell me where you get your ideas.”
He regarded the scientist with a harsh glare. He was in no position to judge the reformed, but he still had his reservations about how easily the Organisation’s elite had been forgiven. Even, in particular, was exactly as grating as his Nobody, snobbish and self-important. The less he said about how he felt leaving Kairi in the care of a man like that, the better.
Ienzo appeared behind him a moment later, giving his fellow researcher a quick jab with his elbow. The older man scoffed and rubbed where he’d been hit but merely rolled his eyes in offense when his colleague didn’t back down – a welcome reminder that Even was the exception, not the rule. “Riku. It’s good to see you.” Ienzo greeted him much more warmly. “Are you here to see Kairi?”
A response travelled all the way to the top of his throat before he choked it down in favour of returning a question instead. “Is she awake?”
“I’m afraid not.” The scientist offered him a remorseful look. “But she is making excellent progress. If you’d like to come through to the lab, I’d be happy to show you.”
“That’s alright.” He almost wished Ienzo’s gaze was as harsh and analytical as his colleague’s. It’d be easier to meet then. “I only came to drop this off.” From his pocket he pulled out a small box. It was about the size of his hand and relatively plain, but bound by a delicate, pink bow.
Even took one look at the box and cocked an eyebrow. “And this is…?”
“A present.” He answered curtly, still averting his gaze. “For Kairi.”
The older man groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “In case you hadn’t heard, Kairi is asleep! She is in no state to receive presents of any kind. Honestly, I don’t know why you keep showing up here if-”
“What Even is trying to say…” Ienzo helpfully interrupted before Riku could turn his parcel into a projectile, “…is that, if it’s for Kairi, you’re probably best delivering it to her yourself.”
“What? That’s not at all-”
“She may be asleep but her heart is still wide-awake, so to speak. As childhood friends, your hearts share a connection. Your words might be unable to reach her, but the sentiment almost assuredly will. There’s a chance it could even cause the gift to manifest to her in her subconscious.”
Riku gripped the tiny box in his hands a little tighter. “…You’re sure?”
“Almost positive.” He stepped aside, gesturing towards the entryway. “We’ll use the opportunity to take a break and give you some privacy.”
After a moment of silent deliberation, Riku relented with a sigh. “Alright. Thanks. I’ll make it quick.”
Offering him a smile in encouragement, Ienzo watched as the boy disappeared through the corridor to the lab. A second later, however, he received a retaliating jab at his shoulder.
“Where do you get off,” Even sneered down at him, “lying to him like that?”
“It was the only way to get through to him.” He excused himself. “Besides, it wasn’t a complete lie. It is theoretically possible their hearts will resonate.”
“About as possible as that boob in town finally deciphering something from the data we sent him. What exactly do you hope to achieve? Surely you don’t actually believe that Kairi will benefit from this?”
“I don’t.” He looked back towards the lab. “But I believe that Riku might.”
Seeing Kairi shouldn’t have stopped Riku’s heart the way it did. She seemed so peaceful as she lay in the examination chair. Her breathing was gentle and steady, her head lolled just slightly to the side, and a serene look graced her features. She looked as if she were just taking a quiet nap. A quiet nap that had lasted seven months.
His footfalls sounded as heavy as they felt as he approached her. He almost expected them to wake her up, but that hope was quickly locked away alongside every other feeling clotting up his chest. She remained completely sound as he stood by her bedside. Not a twitch, not the tiniest stir, nothing to suggest she had sensed anything amiss in the outside world.
Staring at her sleeping form tied Riku’s heart in knots, and he turned away to the console on the other side of the room before it could squeeze too tight. He would just place the gift here and leave her in peace. There was no point in disturbing her for something so trivial. The researchers would give it to her when she woke up, however long that would be. But, as he was about to put it down, Ienzo’s words echoed in his mind. He glanced back towards her and then to the gift, sighing in resignation. If there was even a chance, he had to try. She would.
At her side again, Riku struggled to find his voice. His mouth flapped uselessly before a simple, “Hey,” managed to escape his lips. “Hey, Kairi. I… I brought you a present.” He held up the box as if she could see it. “Happy birthday.”
When Kairi didn’t so much as stir, Riku scolded himself for hoping for anything different. Still, as her friend, he owed it to her to keep going regardless. With that in mind, he turned his attention to the present. Carefully, he untied the small ribbon and withdrew from the box a small charm. Five Thalassa shells dangled from a string, shoddily bound together in a star pattern. In the centre of the star was a small scrap of tarp with a Paopu fruit doodled on, a token salvaged from the raft they once built together. And, for the finishing touch, three of the shells wore crudely drawn faces at their tips: a brown one with spiky hair, a red one with a cheeky smile, and a silver one that reflected the face of its creator.
“It’s supposed to be a Wayfinder.” He said, reminding himself she couldn’t see it. “I know it’s not amazing, but I did the best I could. I just thought that you always liked this sort of thing.” He looked down at the little charm, twirling in his grasp. “I remember when we were kids, you always used to tell the best stories. Who knew all that stuff about light and darkness wasn’t just some old fairy tale? They really inspired me, you know? If it wasn’t for those stories, I don’t think I would’ve ever…” Riku’s suddenly mouth clamped shut as the growing smile fell from his face. “A-Anyway…” He cleared his throat, gently laying the charm in her open palm. “I just thought you could use one of these right about now. Might help… bring you home.”
He hated how he watched her for any sign of recognition. Her hand curling around the charm, the slightest twitch of her face, even just an irregular breath, just something to say she was here, that she’d heard him. What was he expecting? Why was he doing this? Even had said it himself, Kairi was asleep. Kairi wasn’t here. Kairi was-
She was…
…
“I should get going.” Riku awkwardly concluded, itching to run away from the rising feelings in his chest. “I’ll see you when you wake up.”
He turned to walk away, eager to focus on pushing whatever this was back down. But then the tiniest clinking of shells reached his ears and his head whipped around so fast he could’ve given himself whiplash.
The string had gotten caught around his finger. Kairi remained asleep.
Kairi wasn’t here, he reminded himself.
Kairi was gone.
Kairi was gone. Sora was gone. And yet here he remained, all alone.
Suddenly, it felt as if the weight of the last seven months began bearing down on Riku all at once. Every nightmare weathered by himself, every evening spent waiting for a knock on his door, every hour spent sat in Ansem’s study until he walked out without leaving so much as a message with the researchers. Seven months spent holding his breath because it was the only way he could prevent himself from drowning. But now, seeing her face peaceful and calm and absent, he couldn’t hold it any longer.
Grief, loneliness, and regret overwhelmed him, bringing his knees at Kairi’s bedside like a despairing widower. Agony burned in his chest up through his throat, the fumes escaping as scattered breaths and restrained sobs that his gritted teeth were slowly failing to hold back. Through it all, he clung to Kairi’s hand like a lifeline, the charm between them shifting and clinking with each grieving squeeze.
Why!? It was the only thing he could ask. Why!? Why did Sora have to disappear!? Why did Kairi have to go to sleep!? Why did he let them go when he could’ve stopped them, stopped this!? He knew why, but why!? Why could they never just have anything!? Why was a win never a victory!? Why did destiny always have to tear them apart like this!?
Why did fate always have to bring him back here, forced to act as the mortician to their temporary tombs? Hollow Bastion, Castle Oblivion, Twilight Town, The World that Never Was, and now Radiant Garden too. Again and again, he was haunted by sleeping faces and lifeless bodies. Every single time fear gripped him like a vice, showing him their reflections in the reaper’s scythe, because what if this time they didn’t wake up? What if Kairi’s heart was gone for good? What if Sora’s memories never returned? What if he wasn’t strong enough to pull them out of the clutches of darkness and they were lost to him forever? Even if Kairi was undeniably safe right now, Riku’s heart screeched at him in panic, begging and begging and begging him to do something even though he knew there was nothing he could do.
More than anything, he was terrified of forgetting the sounds of their voices. He was terrified of their smiles being reduced to hazy smears, or their presences becoming little more than foggy notions. Memories just weren’t enough. He needed them here, by his side, laughing and smiling, dragging him into games and mischief they were all too old for. He coveted their old flames, but trying to warm himself by them only reminded him how cold he was without his friends to refuel them.
But then, didn’t he deserve the cold? Who was he to play the victim as if this all couldn’t be traced back to his own stained hands? None of this would’ve happened if he hadn’t opened the door to darkness, if he hadn’t burdened them both with Keyblades, if he hadn’t ruined their lives for no reason better than he was sick of his. He knew that, if they were here, they’d wrap him warmly in their arms and tell him they’d forgiven him again and again until he believed it. But how could he ever accept their forgiveness when they continued to wear shackles for his crimes?
The grief, the fear, the guilt, all of them were crushing weights on Riku’s back that threatened smear his sad self across the floor. And yet, they were weights he was used to carrying. Amplified, sure, but none of them were what broke him. No, what broke him was the reason he’d spent the last seven months avoiding this place, avoiding her. Because he knew that this final straw on his back, tame and innocent as it seemed, would shatter every one of his vertebrae into tiny, unsalvageable pieces.
He missed them.
He missed Sora.
He missed Kairi.
He missed the three of them, together, the way it was supposed to be.
After so long apart, so long spent atoning and feeling like he didn’t deserve to be by their side, he was used to the gaping hole their absence left in his heart. Normally, he’d just try to power through its ache, busying himself with anything that might patch it up enough to ignore it. But when Sora’s loss had opened it again, deep and daunting, it seemed like there was no way to patch it up this time. Sora had disappeared and there was nothing he could do, no way to fix it. It was out of his hands, out of his control, and nothing he did seemed to help. He could only endure the ache with no outlet as the hole grew wider and deeper with each agonisingly stagnant second.
That’s why he needed Kairi then. He might not be able do anything for Sora, but he could at least do something for her. It wasn’t perfect but it was bearable. Being with her was a gentle reminder that, no matter how deep the hole seemed, it would someday be filled again just like it had been before. And if he ever needed to cross its chasm, he didn’t even have to ask for her outstretched hand to pull him across. For a while, when they were together, the ache lessened and the hole didn’t seem so deep.
Then she went to sleep, and the hole became bottomless.
So, he ran away, quarantined that part of his heart, and forced himself not to look at it, not to feel it. He spent seven months pretending it didn’t exist. He spent seven months avoiding Kairi, barely resisting the earnest longing that yearned to be by her side, because he knew that seeing her would only be a taunting reminder of everything he’d lost and his own powerlessness to get any of it back. The only reason today had been any different was because it was her birthday. There was no way he could let her miss it, no way he could let himself miss it again. Because as much as he was terrified of falling into that hole with no escape, his love for her was far stronger. He loved them both so, so much that that love was the very thing that carved out the hole in the first place, and why he could never bear to fill it with anything else.
He felt like a failure. What kind of Keyblade Master runs from a fight? What kind of Keyblade Master runs from a fight when their friends are counting on them? It was his responsibility, his duty, to protect them. Sora was out there, all on his own, with no way home. Kairi had dived headfirst into the throes of her own heart, searching for a clue they didn’t even know how to recognise. And yet here he was wallowing in his own misery, letting darkness have its way with him. What kind of Keyblade Ma- What kind of friend did that make him?
Eventually, what remained of Riku’s tears were wiped away by his sleeve, leaving his eyes stinging and puffy. He forced himself to his feet, using the bed for support when his legs struggled to hold his weight. He didn’t even have the strength to be disappointed when he saw Kairi hadn’t been woken by his outburst, nor to chastise himself for hoping she had. Instead, he looked from her sleeping face to the charm in her hand, gently closing her fingers around it. One of the researchers would probably put it somewhere safe later but, for now, he simply wanted to be sure she had gotten it.
With nothing more to say or do, Riku finally turned to leave. At the doorway, though, he stopped to take one last look at his sleeping friend. “I’ll do whatever it takes to bring you back home safe.” He muttered, not just to her. “I promise.”
Kairi let out a sigh as she settled back into her seat on the Gummi Ship. She’d made it as far as the Sleeping Worlds now, tracing the connection between her and Sora’s hearts to experience events she’d only heard of, but she’d still found no clues as to Sora’s whereabouts. She had to be getting close by now, at least she hoped she was. There wasn’t much more to remember, and she wasn’t sure what she’d do if this all led nowhere.
After so long spent searching, the novelty had begun to wear off. While seeing all the worlds Sora had visited was nothing short of wonderous, it had started feeling a bit hollow by the fifth or sixth time she turned to her friends only for her fingers to phase through the unreactive memories. A hundred times now she must have watched Sora and Riku running back and forth, completely blind and deaf to her presence. It was making her miss the real thing more than she already was.
How long had it been in the real world, she wondered. To her, years had passed in what felt like weeks and, though she was technically surrounded by everyone she loved, it had been some of the loneliest weeks of her life. If her quest wasn’t so important, she’d take a detour to relive some of the precious memories of her childhood. Ones of her, Sora, and Riku playing as children on the Destiny Islands, racing each other, splashing in the water, and etching stories onto the walls of the Secret Place. Memories of the three of them, together, the way it was supposed to be. But she supposed that would only make the ache in her chest worse anyway.
A faint glow suddenly appeared in Kairi’s peripheral and a new weight settled into her hand as it faded. At first glance, she thought it was her lucky charm but, upon further inspection, it wasn’t quite the same. Too much string had been used to bind the shells for starters, and the holes it’d been fed through showed cracks where they’d been cut a little too forcefully. The tarp in the middle was new but somehow familiar, and how could she not recognise the star shaped blob in the middle? But the greatest tell was the crudely drawn faces on the end of the shells. Her charm only bore Sora’s likeness, it was all she was able to finish before the storm, but this one had two more. There was a red one that she had to guess was supposed to be her, which made the silver one…
Kairi held the charm close to her chest, letting it fill the ache with warmth and comfort. She didn’t know how or why the charm had appeared to her, but she could feel a faint sentiment passed on from its creator. She hoped Riku hadn’t been too lonely without her. He’d always been hopeless by himself. When she got back, she’d have to arrange something for the two of them. Maybe a party to celebrate their reunion, or maybe just a quiet night in with movies and food, that seemed more his speed. Either way, it was something to look forward to and all the more reason to finish her quest as soon as possible.
Her spirit renewed, Kairi looped the charm onto the steering wheel and took the controls. She took a focusing breath and set her sights firmly onto the next leg of her journey.
“I’ll be back home soon.” She muttered, not just to herself. “I promise.”