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Shane’s career had been laid out in front of him since he was a kid. He was going to become a hockey player, work his ass off and get drafted into the NHL. That had always been his path. No back-up plan, no other interests, just hockey.
That’s what he had trained all his life for. And he was incredibly good, too. ‘A player with the highest hockey IQ’ people had said, praising him. He was for sure getting drafted, it was a no-brainer.
And he had gotten so close, too. Before tragedy struck.
An illegal check from one of his adversaries during a game, a stuck skate and a fall at the wrong angle grave enough to warrant a rush to the hospital.
Shane remembered the blinding pain in his knee.
He remembered the excruciating wait before the surgery.
He remembered the doctor telling him that he couldn’t play hockey anymore.
He remembered the months of rehabilitation.
And he remembered crying in his mother’s arms for a future that he had been robbed of.
At seventeen years old, his life had ended before it could even begin.
And the worst part was that his restless mind felt like it was on the loose now. There was nothing Shane could anchor himself to. Hockey had always been more than just a sport. It gave him discipline, it gave him something to focus on. But now he had nothing and he felt lost.
Until his mother came to save him.
His mother had always loved flowers, she had a whole garden she took care of, and she loved flower compositions. During every family event, every festivity, their house would sport beautiful centerpieces made by Yuna herself.
It was something she had picked up from her own mother, a sort of family tradition that had kept on going even after her family had moved to Canada from Japan.
Ikebana, she had called it. The ancient art of floral arrangement.
Shane had never been too close to his Japanese heritage and that made him feel ashamed, sometimes. His grandparents had both died when he was just a child and they had no other close relatives. His own mother was a first-generation Japanese-Canadian, so he had grown up distanced from his roots.
But that was something that still made Yuna feel connected to her origins… and it had caught his interest. Maybe it could help him too. Not only to rekindle the connection to his heritage, but also to drive his mind away from the fact that hockey wasn't on the table anymore.
“I can teach you, if you want.” His mother said one spring morning. “Ikebana can be therapeutic, too.” She smiled, that knowing smile that seemed to say ‘I know you need this’.
He really did.
And something that had started as a mere hobby, something to keep his mind occupied, that could help distract his brain from the fact that he had no other prospect in life… suddenly became more.
He soon learned that Ikebana, just as hockey, was an art form that needed discipline. It wasn’t just about putting flowers in a pot and calling it a day. It had form, it had structure.
Stuff that he missed dearly from playing hockey.
And the more he kept doing it, the more he found himself liking it. And it wasn’t just Ikebana that piqued his interest. He found himself wanting to know more about flowers, too.
“Every flower has a meaning” His mother told him, as she tended to what she called ‘her babies’. “Take white lilies, for instance.” She plucked one from her garden, holding its stem. “They have many meanings. Purity, fertility… and rebirth, too.” She stared at him as she said that.
If Shane had to pinpoint the moment where he decided what his next career path was going to be, that would be it.
“I want to open a flower shop.” He was having dinner with his parents when he gave them the news, using that tone of voice that indicated how serious he was. It was the same tone he had used when he had told them he wanted to become an NHL player.
His parents looked up at him, surprise flickering through their faces for a fraction of a second, before focusing back on their food.
“Sounds like a good idea, son.” His father said, with an even voice, as he brought his fork to his mouth, as if Shane hadn’t just uttered the strangest of all phrases.
His mother, on the other hand, as sweet as she could be, was also a pragmatic woman.
“You’re still seventeen. What’s your plan, exactly?”
But Shane was just as pragmatic.
“These past few months have been… hard to say the least. And weirdly enough, flowers helped me. I see their beauty, the care they need… And I want other people to see that as well. I want to sell a bouquet and know that it’s going to make a person happy.” He took a deep breath. “I did some research. There’s a school in Toronto, of floral design. The classes last three weeks. It’s an intensive program and it’d give me a certification. I could find a place there for a month. Or I could travel back and forth.”
“It’s a four hour train ride from Ottawa to Toronto, Shane.” His father noted and Shane nodded.
“I know. But I want to do it. Also… I want to learn Ikebana. Properly. I want to take classes and get a Teacher’s diploma. With it I could teach workshops and sell my art. It would be another income. There’s a list of teachers here in Ottawa that teach Sogetsu Ikebana, that’s the one I’m interested in. I checked everything thoroughly.”
He stared at his mother then, wiping his clammy hands on his jeans under the table. Silence filled the dining room for a while, before Yuna spoke.
“Alright. Finish high school first. Then we’ll see about the rest.”
And for the first time in months, Shane felt hopeful again.
It was so remote from what he had planned for his life -he probably would have laughed if someone had tried to suggest it just a few months ago- and yet dedicating his life to flowers didn’t sound so weird.
*****
It took him seven years.
Seven years during which he had studied and worked his ass off.
His mother had forced him to get a Business Diploma (“You need one, if you want to open a shop, Shane.”) so he had spent the first two years of his life after high school trying to get one. In the meantime, he had started working part-time in a flower shop situated in the Glebe neighborhood.
The owner was a nice, old lady who took him in, with great patience and care.
The shop was as old as its owner. It was a bit run-down: inside the shop the paint on the walls had chipped away, the floors looked straight out of the 50s and the sign right outside had faded due to the exposure to the sun. It had… character, for sure. And not many clients. But it was still a great way to learn.
The owner, Mrs. Reid, had been working in the shop for ages and had taught him all she could. School could teach him all about flowers, but it was how things worked behind the scenes that was just as important. Like how to take care of them, who the suppliers were… She had been a great teacher so far, and a great employer, too.
She paid him well enough and he didn’t have to do much, to be honest. He would clean the floors, greet the clients, make deliveries and gather the flowers when prompted. But just observing was enough for him. He took note of everything.
And then there were the Ikebana classes. It was one of the most rewarding things since hockey. It wasn’t just art. And the Sogetsu school wasn’t just about flowers. It was modern, it was innovative and definitely different from what he had learned with his mother.
While college first and the intensive course in Toronto after had been -more or less- a breeze, getting his Teacher’s Diploma in Ikebana had taken him roughly five years. Five years of his life dedicated to studying and learning everything he could. Five years during which he felt just as fulfilled as he did when he first learned how to play hockey.
In a way, it was similar. The act of learning something new for the first time, the mental and physical labour of it. With hockey he had to learn how to skate, how to angle his feet, how to move, how to hold the stick. Here it was the same: how to arrange the stems, making sure they were at the right angle, how to cut the branches to obtain the perfect length for the Shin, the Soe and the Hikae…
It wasn’t something one could just dive into. It had rules. And Shane thrived on rules.
He had never felt prouder of himself than the day he held onto the certificate, his hands trembling. He wondered if that’s how he would have felt, had he been drafted.
Even the dull ache he sometimes still felt in his knee disappeared for a moment, completely forgotten.
“Mrs. Reid, you’re officially talking to an Ikebana teacher.” He announced later that day, walking into the shop for his usual shift.
The old lady clapped her hands in awe, coming over to pat his cheek in an affectionate manner.
“I’m so happy to hear that, Shane. You worked really hard, my boy.”
He gave her a shy smile, before grabbing his apron.
“Thank you, Mrs. Reid. I guess the next step is getting my own shop.” He chuckled.
“You can have this one, if you want.”
He froze for a good minute and stared at her, mouth agape. She was smiling sweetly at him and he felt his brain short-circuiting.
“I’m sorry, what?”
She waved a hand at him, with a little laugh.
“I’m old, dear. I’ve worked in this shop for almost fifty years. I honestly want to retire. And you’re young, you studied hard and I can see how much you love this job. So, if you want, the shop is yours.”
“B-but…”
“Tut-tut. No buts. And it would be easier for you, you won’t have to start from scratch.”
“Mrs. Reid…”
And if he shed one or two tears out of gratitude for her kindness, she had the decency to ignore them, in favor of simply smiling.
*****
Five months later, he was standing in front of his -his- shop. It had taken quite a bit of time and most of his savings to repaint and refurnish everything, trying to give the store a more modern look, making it seem like it was actually of this century, but it had been worth it.
“This looks absolutely amazing Shane!” Rose exclaimed.
He had met Rose back in Toronto, during those three weeks of intensive classes in floral design.
She was a nice girl, with reddish blonde hair and eyes that sparkled with mischief. They had clicked immediately, the first day of class and for a moment he had thought that maybe -maybe- there could be something there.
It had taken a disastrous night together to quickly realize that they were definitely not meant to be together like that.
Shane had never given much thought to his sexuality. He had had a girlfriend back in high school, but they had never gone much further than a kiss, before breaking things off.
At the time, he had been too focused on hockey to think about it.
And even then, his eyes had always been focused elsewhere. They had sometimes traveled to the muscular expanse of the back of his teammates. Or their abs. Or their sharp jaws.
But still, it was something he had hardly explored. He didn’t have time for that.
So when he met Rose, he had really tried but it quickly became painfully obvious that they were not made for each other.
“Have you ever been with a man?” She asked one night after class, as they grabbed drinks together.
“Um, no…” He admitted, a blush creeping up his cheeks.
Her eyes glinted with something akin to wickedness.
“Rose…” He warned her, but she simply openly smirked.
“This is going to be fun.”
Since then, she had started to set him up for one blind date after another. And each one had been more awful than the other. At one point he had had to issue a stop to her attempts to fix him up with someone, because he couldn’t take another awkward date with some brainless idiot.
But at least something good had come out of this. He had earned a friend.
So, when he opened the shop, the first thing he did was invite her to work with him.
“We’re going to be the best in town, you’ll see.” She exclaimed, patting his back as they stood outside the shop, admiring it.
“Rose, it’s just a flower shop.” He replied, but he couldn’t hide the smile that appeared on his face.
It was the day after the opening that he met Daniel.
He was in the back of the shop when Rose’s voice trilled. “Shane! Client!”
And once Shane walked back into the main room he was struck by the vision in front of him.
Daniel had black, wavy hair, his eyes matching the colour. He was tall, probably just as tall as Shane, and he was attractive. Very attractive.
His brain buffered for a second, as the man flashed him a smile.
“Hi. Can you help me?”
Shane glanced at Rose, who gave him a subtle thumbs up as she clearly faked being on a phone call.
Damn her.
He cleared his throat before replying. “Um, hi! Sure. What do you need?”
“I was looking for a small bouquet? A colleague from work just had a baby and I wanted to congratulate her.”
“Oh, of course! Any ideas for the flowers?”
The man laughed. “I’m hardly an expert. I trust you.”
The laugh sent excited shivers down Shane’s spine. But he tried not to get distracted by that.
Shane looked around the shop, a thoughtful expression forming on his face as his eyes scanned the flowers on display. He moved slowly around, before grabbing a few yellow gerberas and some white tulips, along with some baby’s breath. He carefully arranged the flowers together, placing them in an elegant white box -easier to carry them and to put on display.
He felt the other’s eyes on him as he worked and a faint blush reached his cheeks.
“I uh… I used these flowers because they don’t have a strong scent. It’s best to avoid that, especially with a newborn. Yellow gerberas symbolise joy and happiness, while the white tulips represent purity and innocence. I thought it was a good pairing.”
He looked up at the man and swallowed. Why was he even explaining this stuff to him, he didn’t know.
“Sorry, I tend to blab when I’m nervous. You’re my first client.” He apologized, as he set up the card terminal.
“No need to be sorry. And lucky me then. Do I win something? Maybe your phone number?” The man said nonchalantly, as he tapped his credit card to pay.
Shane let out a chuckle, shaking his head in disbelief, before freezing, the other’s words finally registering. He met his eyes, staring at him.
“Sorry, what?”
“You’re handsome. And I really would like to take you to dinner.”
Shane glanced at Rose, who had her back turned to him. Bitch.
He felt like his whole mouth had dried up, unable to form a singular word. The man chuckled, taking pity on him and borrowed a pen and a piece of paper lying on the counter.
“This is my number. My name is Daniel. Whenever you regain the ability to talk, feel free to call me, or text me.”
He winked at Shane, before grabbing the flowers.
“Have a nice day. Thanks for the flowers.”
The bell by the door jingled as Daniel left and as soon as it closed behind him, Shane finally remembered how to breathe again.
“Oh. My. God. Did that just happen?” Rose exclaimed, playfully smacking Shane’s arm.
He wondered the same thing.
*****
A year later things were… good. For the most part.
The shop was going great actually. That was something that filled Shane with pride every single day.
It had started, like most things, with word of mouth and apart from his regular duty, suddenly he was also catering to every single type of celebration one could think of. Weddings, birthdays, work events...
And every month Shane organized Ikebana workshops. When he first started them he had no idea so many people could be interested in the art, but it had been a welcome surprise.
So much so that he had sold quite a handful of his own creations as well.
He wasn’t in it for the money anyway. The shop made him earn well enough on its own. He just loved to teach, loved the way people came to him with curiosity and desire to learn. And it was therapeutic. That’s how it started for him, after all, and if he could help someone find that inner peace for two hours every month, he was more than happy to do that.
It was therapeutic for him still. While hockey was a thing of the past now, sometimes it still stinged. The throbbing in his knee reminded him of that every day. But he was fine.
He had friends -thanks to Rose, who was literally a social butterfly and the soul of the shop-, he had a boyfriend, he had clients…
He was fine.
He was fine, really.
He was mostly fine.
Daniel was… he was great. Good.
They started dating a few weeks after their first date and he was a proper gentleman. Sweet, attentive, apparently interested in Shane.
And it had gone well. At first. But even if Shane didn’t have much experience in dating, he knew that after a year things were bound to cool down a little, right?
Not that Daniel was doing anything bad, absolutely not. But there were times where he was less sweet, less attentive… and he appeared to be less interested in Shane.
They had fallen into a bit of a routine, too. And they both worked a lot. Shane had the shop, Daniel was doing an internship in a law firm. They both had grueling work hours, so it was only natural that they both weren’t as passionate and in love as they were in the beginning. Life was in the way.
Even the sex had started to be… adequate. Not that Shane had any experience in that either. He could count his sexual encounters on one hand. The first was when he had tried to have sex with Rose and he realised he was gay right after. The other times were with one or two of the people Rose had fixed him up with. So he really didn’t have a way to compare what good sex was and what wasn’t.
One thing he knew for sure was that he liked it.
Fuck, he liked it a lot.
And it had started great, too. For the first few months it had been passionate, they could literally not keep their hands off each other. But again, life got in the way. Whenever they saw each other, they were tired -or at least, Daniel was-, and on the rare occasion they did it it was… good. But not good enough.
But it was fine. Shane was fine.
But after the umpteenth time that week, in which he had asked to see him and his boyfriend told him he was tired after his work day and could not meet him, Shane wasn’t as fine.
“I need a beer.” He declared, as he untied his apron.
Rose stared at him like one would stare after witnessing a miracle.
“Shane Hollander, are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
He chuckled with a small nod. For weeks now Rose had begged him to come and have a drink with their friends.
He wasn’t much of a drinker, nor a party lover. He had never been one. He enjoyed the occasional beer every now and then, but he still wasn’t comfortable enough with the whole getting wasted thing.
On the other hand Rose was a beast. She could get knocked out drunk one night and roll into work the next day as if nothing had happened, fueled only by coffee. Mostly because she couldn’t remember a single thing that happened, forcing Shane to tend the whole night to his roommate and making sure she didn’t choke on her own vomit.
So, for Shane to flat out ask to go out and drink, was actually nothing short of a miracle.
“Okay, let me call Jackie and the others. God, I’m so excited!” She squeaked, quickly grabbing her phone.
One hour later they were at their usual pub, not far from their house. It was a nice little place, with good food and good drinks, and sometimes even not-so-terrible live music.
“My man! Are you alright? Are you sick?” Hayden stood up from his chair to touch Shane all over, finally pressing a hand on his forehead. Shane slapped it away.
“What the hell are you doing?” He questioned, with a laugh.
“Checking for a fever. You, asking to go out for drinks. There’s no way it’s real.”
“Fuck off, Hayd.” He chuckled, kissing Jackie’s cheeks and high-fiving J.J., before sitting down at their table.
Before meeting Rose, Shane had never had these many people around him. The life of a young, promising hockey player was hardly crowded with friends. It’s not like he had had time to make them anyway. Sure, he had had teammates, but he wouldn’t exactly call them friends. And even after the incident, he had been so focused on his next life plan, that the thought of making connections with new people hadn’t been at the forefront of his mind.
So thank god for Rose, who had, quite literally, turned his world upside down. If it wasn’t for her, he probably wouldn’t have met those who he considered now his best friends.
Rose had first met Jackie on a delivery gone wrong. She was supposed to deliver a “get well soon” bouquet to some old man and found Jackie instead. The mishap had been so funny that they clicked instantly. And with Jackie came Hayden, her husband. And where Hayden was, J.J. wasn’t far behind.
It took this little group exactly one week to befriend each other and Shane could honestly say that he had never felt more in sync with a group of people as he felt with them. Especially because Hayden and J.J. were as much as hockey fanatics as Shane was and that discovery had officially sealed Shane’s love for them.
“Hollander, what made you come out of your cocoon?” J.J. teased him as a pitcher of beer was placed in front of them.
“Just needed a night out. And Daniel wasn’t up to spend the evening together, so…”
A loud groan rose from the group. The others made no mystery of their hatred for Daniel.
Well, no okay, hatred maybe was a strong word. Annoyance? Still, they didn’t really like him. He sometimes could be… a little know-it-all? Or pretended to be, at least, because he was wrong 99% of the time. And he definitely was pretentious, he had to admit that. He had a bit of an aura of superiority, just because he worked in a big law firm. It’s not like he could blame them, but at the same time he wasn’t always like that. He could be fun, knew how to joke around. It wasn’t all bad.
Not enough to make them like him, though.
“You have to drop his ass. I’ve been telling you for ages now.” Rose muttered and he stared at her with disbelief.
“You’re the one who pushed me into dating him!”
“That was a year ago, when I thought he was nice and charming. Not an asshole who can’t find the time to spend a night with his boyfriend.” She grumbled the last words into her drink, avoiding Shane’s eyes.
He moaned, elbows resting on the table, face in his hands.
“Look, he’s just tired from work…”
“You are, too. But you’re here with us.” Jackie gave him a sly smirk and he rolled his eyes.
“I’m not gonna break up with him guys.” He muttered, pouring himself some beer. He sighed as the bitter taste filled his mouth. He wasn’t big on alcohol, but beer was good enough.
“When was the last time you had sex?”
He choked on his drink, threatening to spurt it all over the table as he heard J.J. words.
“Dude, what the fuck??”
“I’m just asking!”
“I’m not gonna tell you that, god!” He could feel himself blushing.
Admittedly, it had been a while. Maybe three weeks? He had spent more nights with his own hand down his pants than in bed with his boyfriend.
“That means in a while.” Rose snickered, before slamming a hand on the sturdy wooden table. “That’s it. Tonight, we’re getting you laid.”
“I’m not gonna cheat on my boyfriend Rose, Jesus Christ…”
“It’s not like any of us are gonna tell him.”
Shane flashed a murderous look at Hayden, who raised his hands in front of him, defensively.
“Look, tonight we’re just gonna have a nice night out, where we’re definitely not gonna talk about my boyfriend, and we’re gonna drink a couple of beers and then say our goodbyes. Deal?”
“Deal.” the group chanted, defeated.
It wasn’t a couple of beers. And they didn’t stop talking about Daniel. And Shane was very, very drunk.
He could feel it in the heaviness of his tongue, in the way he slurred his words. And by the fact that he was pretty fucking angry.
“...He didn’t even make me come last time, you know? Had to do it myself. Who -hic!- who the fuck does that??”
“You tell him, buddy!” Hayden spurred him on and the rest of the group couldn’t hide their smirks.
“And he hasn’t even kissed me -hic!- kissed me properly in months.”
He was rambling now. He wasn’t thinking straight, that’s for sure. It was probably unfair of him to talk about his boyfriend like that, but it’s true that he was unsatisfied. Sure, Daniel treated him nice enough - sometimes, when he actually made time for him-, but fuck he lacked passion. And Shane needed that.
He leaned back against his chair, his head feeling light and heavy at the same time. He probably should stop drinking and call a cab home.
But then his -pretty unfocused, to be honest- eyes locked in on a figure standing near the bar. He couldn’t exactly make out his features, but he had what seemed to be dark-blond curly hair and what looked to be a big, muscular frame. Shane was not small, by any means -even after hockey, he still kept in great physical shape, especially to keep up with his busted knee-, but from where he was sitting, the guy looked huge. He was sporting a black shirt, with some weird patterns on the sleeves, and fitting washed-out, dark-grey jeans.
A thought popped into his head. A dangerous thought that, if he had been of sound mind, would have never even crossed his brain.
But tonight he felt like being a little reckless, for once.
“I’m going to kiss that guy.” He mumbled, pointing a finger at him, which J.J. promptly lowered.
“Okay, he definitely has had enough alcohol for tonight.”
“I’m gonna do it.”
“Yesss, go Shane!” Rose hollered, patting his arm repeatedly in an excited manner.
“For fuck’s sake Rose, don’t encourage him.” Jackie said, but she was unable to stop a laugh from escaping her mouth.
He suddenly stood up, wobbling a little, holding onto the table to stabilize himself for a second, before taking a few large strides toward the blond man.
Shane could hear the faint sound of his friends’ voices, trying to stop him -or not stop him-, but either way, he was too far gone now.
He found himself in front of the man and fuck, he really looked like he was made of pure muscles.
Shane could feel the blond staring at him, but even up close he couldn’t exactly focus on his face, everything was really blurry. He had blue eyes though, that much was clear. Eyes that made Shane feel like wanting to be pinned down on the bar’s counter and fucked.
“Can I help you?” The man spoke. Shit, his voice was really nice and deep and definitely not from here, judging by the accent.
“I want to kiss you. May I kiss you?” Shane asked, because he was anything but impolite, and his tongue poked out to lick at his dry lips.
“What?” He could hear a low rumble coming from the other, what seemed to be a chuckle, its sound making Shane’s hair stand up.
Shane didn’t reply though. Instead, he grabbed the man by his t-shirt -damn it, his chest was so hard it felt like it was made of rocks- and pulled him in for a kiss.
It was so damn awkward. What the hell am I doing? Kissing strangers in pubs is such a horrible idea and not something I do. So why am I doing it? His brain was screaming at him, supplying him with a brief moment of clarity, urging him to pull away and hide from the rest of the world. He shouldn’t be there. He shouldn’t be doing this.
But those thoughts were soon wiped away when he felt a tongue asking for entry and, at that point, who was he to deny access?
He could hear himself releasing a soft moan as the kiss got deeper, a pair of hands finding his waist and holding him, grounding him as their tongues met and clashed against each other. There was hunger there and he realized now how starved he was for a good, fucking kiss.
Their lips seemed to slot perfectly together and the other was making Shane feel things he hadn’t felt in what seemed like ages. It was way too good. And also very, very wrong.
Shane broke the kiss, his head spinning as he regained his breath. He took a step back and slowly let go of the shirt, trying to flatten it with his hands, where he had crumpled it. He also patted the man’s chest for good measure, unable to look up at him.
“That was good. Thanks.” He said, giving him a loopy smile, before running out of the pub, the fresh, night air hitting his face. He felt hot all over. Embarrassment had finally caught up to him.
“What the fuck did I just do?”
He heard someone call out his name and the next thing he remembered was a pair of hands helping him get into a cab, before blacking out.
*****
The early morning sunlight was filtering through the blinds of Shane’s room. The cold, spring breeze that came from the open window hit his skin, making him shiver slightly.
His head was throbbing, his eyelids felt heavy and there was a horrible aftertaste lingering on his tongue. He felt, for lack of better words, like shit.
The door of his room burst open, Rose appearing on the threshold with a cup of coffee in her hand and the energy of someone who had not just spent a night out drinking her weight in alcohol.
“Rise and shine, sweetheart! Time to go to work.”
He groaned, covering his face with the sheets.
“Please, lower your voice. I feel like my head is on the verge of exploding. Who the hell gets knocked out drunk with beer?” He whined, feeling the mattress dip next to him, where Rose was now sitting.
“You apparently. And that’s why I brought you coffee. Am I or am I not the best roommate you could ask for?”
“You are not, because a good roommate and friend would have stopped me from drinking so much, yesterday.” He muttered, finally sitting up, resting against the headboard as he accepted the cup.
Memories from the night before suddenly surged in his mind, making the coffee travel through the wrong pipe. He heaved, coughing as Rose patted his back.
“Oh god, last night… I cheated on Daniel.”
“I wouldn’t call that cheating…”
“I kissed another man! No, I- I made out with another man! Fuck Rose, why didn’t you stop me??”
He pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes. This was a nightmare.
“Look, you were drunk, it meant nothing and you probably won’t see the guy ever again. Who cares?”
“I care. And your morals are completely fucked up, you know that, right?” He glared at her, holding onto the warm cup. “I still kissed another dude. How am I gonna face Daniel?”
“First, he’d have to show up.” She grumbled. “Second, maybe this is your chance to finally break up with him?” A hopeful smile formed on her face and he scoffed, waving a hand.
“I’m not gonna break up with him, Rose.” He took a deep breath. “I’ll just… forget this ever happened. It was a stupid mistake anyway. I definitely won’t drink again. And why my mouth tastes like garbage?” He made a disgusted face as he smacked his lips.
“Oh that. You threw up all over yourself as soon as the cab dropped us off. I put your clothes in the washer.”
He looked down at himself. He was only in his briefs. That explained it.
He mumbled a ‘thank you’ and finished his coffee, before getting ready to work. The day hadn’t even started and he was already on the verge of a nervous breakdown. When he reached the shop, he knew his day was going to be even worse.
There was a huge crowd outside, right next to his shop. People he had never seen before. Some were sporting a variety of tattoos -from the smallest to people with their faces completely covered in ink-, some had piercings adorning their ears, lips, noses. Others seemed to be onlookers or just your regular people.
Music was blasting from somewhere and it did nothing to lessen the throbbing pain in his head.
“What the hell?” He muttered under his breath, as he walked inside his store, feeling the windows tremble due to the vibrations coming from the music.
“Ah, I think they finally opened the shop next door. The one that was under renovations. Apparently it’s a tattoo parlor.”
He blinked several times.
“A tattoo parlor?”
“Yep.” Rose replied as she grabbed her apron and tied it behind her back. “I think today it’s the grand opening or something. I heard they are giving free tattoos to a limited number of people.”
“That explains the crowd.” He sighed, putting his own apron on.
“I think it’s cool. This neighborhood needed some sparkle.” She wiggled her fingers as she said so, in a motion apparently called ‘jazz hands’. She had taught him the word.
“I wouldn’t call that ‘sparkle’.” He rolled his eyes, mimicking her gesture.
“Shane Hollander, are you being a judgemental Karen?”
He frowned, narrowing his eyes at her.
“I’m not being judgemental!”
“You totally are! Always so uptight.”
“I just think having them close to us is… bad for the business.”
Rose arched an eyebrow in his direction and he groaned, rolling his eyes.
“Fuck off Rose. Let’s get to work. We have lots of deliveries today.”
“Yes, Karen.”
He flipped her off, before finally starting the day.
Except the day got worse as it kept going. The amount of people stationed right out front was just growing and the loud music reaching Shane’s ears felt like a drill making holes in his head. Even after two aspirins the pain had not subsidised and he still felt nauseous from the night before.
Moreover he hadn’t heard from Daniel the whole day after their usual good morning texts and he felt anxiety spiking in his chest. He knew he was probably just working and he surely had no idea that his nice boyfriend had kissed someone else last night, but still he couldn’t help the feeling of uneasiness pooling in his stomach.
While he couldn’t do much about that, he surely could do something about the incessant music threatening to make his windows explode. He would have preferred to send Rose, but she was away for a delivery, so he took it upon himself to put an end to it. With a sure step, he marched outside of his shop and toward the tattoo parlor.
“Sorry, excuse me.” He repeated over and over again, as he tried to swim through the crowd, pushing people away. Somehow, he managed to get himself to the front, walking over the counter on the entryway.
Leaned over it, writing down numbers on little pieces of papers, was a girl. And even if he was gay he still had eyes to recognize that she was absolutely fucking stunning. She was tall and slim, had beautiful brown curls framing her face and big, bright hazel eyes that briefly settled on him as he stood in front of her.
“There’s a line, love. If you want a tattoo, you gotta get a number.” She said loudly over the music.
“I’m not here to get a tattoo! I want to speak to your manager!” He screamed back and oh god, Rose was right, he was totally acting like a Karen.
Her eyes widened a little as she properly focused on him and an amused smile appeared on her face.
“Just a second, please.” She said, before disappearing into an adjacent room. He tapped his foot nervously, crossing his arms as he patiently waited. It took ten, agonizing minutes, his head now on fire, before he saw a man exit with what appeared to be a freshly made tattoo on his arm. The girl from before walked out after him, extending her hand to invite Shane in.
“My manager is now free. Right this way.”
He gave her a wary look, before stepping into the indicated room.
It was spacious, the walls were adorned with frames all over, with intricate and colourful paintings. All around there were counters with various bottles and objects, like sterilized needles, alcohol and some other stuff Shane could not recognize. In the center of the room there was what appeared to be a massage table and sitting on a chair next to it was probably one of the most handsome men he had ever laid eyes on. Dark-blonde curly hair, piercing blue eyes and two big, muscled arms that sported a sleeve tattoo each. He couldn’t exactly make out the design, but he had to admit it was cool.
And hot.
The man did not look at him as he stood up, moving around doing god knows what. Shane didn’t care. The music was too loud to think or focus.
“You wanted to talk to me?” The man had a bit of an accent. Russian, maybe? Whatever. Although, he was sure he had heard that voice before, somewhere.
“Yes! Could you please lower the volume of your music? It’s disturbing my peace and that of everyone else around here. My shop windows are this close to breaking because of it!” He exclaimed, his hands resting on his hips.
The man finally turned around to look at him and a big, wolfish grin stretched his lips. He said something but Shane couldn’t hear him over the sound of the music.
“I can’t hear you! Lower the fucking volume!”
The blond grabbed a remote lying on one of the counters and finally Shane’s ears rejoiced as the music turned into a low, background sound. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton, like after a night out dancing, but at least he could hear now. More or less.
“I said, it’s you.”
Shane frowned, confused.
“Um, do we know each other?”
The other tried to stifle a laugh at that.
“You were pretty out of it, I guess. But I must say, even drunk you’re a pretty good kisser.”
Shane stared at him for a few, long seconds, before a lightbul switched on in his brain. Oh no.
“You… Last night.” Fuck.
He recognized him now. The voice, the eyes, the tattoos he had thought were part of the design of the t-shirt… Fuck, fuck, fuck. Destiny really was a bitch.
“I never got your name, you practically ran out, after. I’m Ilya Rozanov.” The man -Ilya- held out his hand and Shane looked at it as if touching it could make him burst into flames.
“Hollane Shander. No. Fuck. Goddamit. Shane Hollander.” He stuttered, shaking his hand, maybe a little too tight. Good job not making a fool of yourself, Shane.
He took a deep breath after, taking a little step back.
“Look, last night. It was a mistake. A dare! It was a dare! And I was obviously very drunk, so…”
“The shop next door is yours?” Ilya completely ignored Shane’s rambling, jutting his chin out in the direction of the apron he was wearing.
“What?” Shane looked down at himself, before meeting Ilya’s eyes again. Fuck, were they blue or green? Had they changed colour? “Uh, yes. I own the flower shop next door. So please, keep the volume down from now on.”
Ilya suddenly got closer to him and Shane knew he really should have turned around and left, but those eyes were keeping him pinned there where he was standing. It shouldn’t have been that hot.
“I guess we’ll see each other more often, then.” Ilya purred and Shane tried very hard not to be affected by that.
“I highly doubt that. And please, tell your clients to stand in a line or something. They’re all over the place and making a ruckus.”
Okay, yes. He was totally a Karen, now.
He gulped as he stared at him and for the second time in two days he had to remind himself that he had a boyfriend that he loved very much.
That he loved.
The right amount.
“This is a respectable neighborhood so… Yeah. That’s all I wanted to say.”
Rozanov said nothing, just kept smiling and for some reason that infuriated Shane to no end. He finally took a step back, then another, before turning away.
“Hope to see you again, Hollander.” Ilya’s voice called out after him, but Shane did not reply, choosing to quickly walk out of the parlor and back into the safety of his shop instead.
Once in there, he sat down behind the counter, literally slumping onto the stool, taking a breath he didn’t know he was even holding.
This was a nightmare. And the nightmare had a name and a beautiful face. Ilya Rozanov.
*****
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No way.”
“Yes.”
Rose let out a giggle, covering her mouth. He hated her.
“This is no laughing matter, Rose.”
“You gotta admit, that’s fucking funny.”
“No, it isn’t! The guy I drunkenly kissed works right next door!”
Shane was now pacing the floor of the shop, Rose’s eyes following his every movement.
“Wait until the rest of the group knows about this.”
“Ugh.” He covered his face with his hands, groaning into them. It would have been so easy to brush off last night’s mistake, knowing he was never going to see the guy again. But having him so close was driving Shane crazy with guilt.
Although that didn’t stop him from finding the Instagram page of the parlor. And then his personal account. Which he had not stalked. He had not spent half of his afternoon looking at the pictures of his tattooed arms, legs, and hands. And his mind had definitely not wandered to places he was even too embarrassed to elaborate on.
Rose sighed, walking over to him to wrap an arm around him.
“Okay Shane, I get it. Look, you want to stop feeling guilty? Tell Daniel. It’s the only way you’ll stop torturing yourself.”
“He’s going to get angry, he’s going to break up with me. I’m a fucking idiot.”
“Well, if he does, good riddance! He’s an asshole anyway. And maybe you can hook up with the hot tattoo artist.”
“For fuck’s sake Rose! I’m not gonna hook up with him. Besides, he’s infuriating too.” And sex on legs, but he wasn’t gonna tell her that. “And I don’t want to break up with Daniel.”
“Why not? He’s terrible for you and you’re definitely not in love with him anymore.”
“I do love him…” He said in a small voice. But even saying that felt a bit like a lie. It’s not that he didn’t love him. He did. But it was true his feelings had grown cold over the last few months. But he still wanted him. Sure, Daniel had his problems, but no one was perfect, right?
The truth was, Shane was scared. He probably was holding onto something that was already over and he was struggling to accept that. But what was the alternative? Being alone and miserable? No, thank you.
Even if Daniel wasn’t always the best, he still had his moments. Besides, he was sure he could still salvage this relationship, if only they could talk. It wasn’t like this at the beginning, they could find a way to go back to what it was before. He really wanted to believe that.
Well, if he told him about the kiss he wasn’t sure there was going to be much to salvage anyway. Stupid fucking beer, he wasn’t gonna drink ever again.
“I’ll talk to him tonight.” He decided, fishing his phone from his pocket, promptly texting him.
Shane:
Hey. Can I see you tonight?
There’s something I want to talk with you about.
The reply arrived an hour later.
Daniel<3:
Hey babe. Uh-oh, am I in trouble? ;)
Anyway, sure. Dinner at mine, by 8-ish? I’ll cook for you.
There, that was also one of the reasons he couldn’t bring himself to end it. Because, sometimes, there were brief moments where Daniel was exactly the same man he had fallen for. Sweet, nice Daniel who liked to cook meals for Shane.
He felt a pang of guilt twist his heart as he read the message. Fuck.
Shane:
Sure. Sounds great.
I’ll see you later tonight then.
“There. Probably my last dinner with him.” He sighed and Rose rolled her eyes.
“Shane, it’s gonna be fine. And if it’s not, I’m gonna be there for you to pick you up and make you feel better. And I promise not to gloat too much if you end up breaking up with him.” She joked and that actually got a laugh out of him.
By 8 he was standing in front of his boyfriend’s door. He was nervously playing with the hem of his hoodie, waiting for Daniel to open. He felt his stomach do a summersault when he saw the smiling face of the man.
“Hi baby.” Daniel kissed him with a quick peck, before resting a hand on his lower back, ushering him inside. Shane could smell the scent of tomato sauce bubbling on the stove.
“I thought we could have some pasta tonight.” He said, as he walked into the open space kitchen. Shane had told him time and time again that he was trying to cut on carbs, but he didn’t feel like starting the night arguing, so he just hummed, settling on one of the stools of the kitchen island, watching him cook.
Daniel’s house wasn’t too big, but it was fancy and it definitely was pricey. But Daniel’s parents were rich, and he was definitely going to be promoted at his job, sooner or later, so he had nothing to worry about.
Not that Shane was poor. His parents definitely weren't as rich but they had the money. It was Shane who had decided to rely solely on himself. Being independent and not having to rely on his parents’ help made him feel accomplished, somehow. They still had helped him pay for his tuition, but once that was done, he told them he wanted to do it alone and they didn’t argue. There was no arguing when Shane set his mind to something, anyway.
Once dinner was done -Shane enjoying the pasta more than he should have-, they sat down on the sofa, Daniel wasting no time in kissing Shane, pushing him onto the cushions. This was new. He usually wasn't this straightforward and typically it was Shane who had to start. Maybe Daniel had felt Shane pull away from him lately and had decided to step up his game. Or maybe he just wanted to fuck, since it had been way too long. He guessed even he had urges.
Shane couldn’t help but gasp into the kiss as he felt Daniel’s hands slip under his hoodie and he had to force himself to put a stop to it. Even though he really, really wanted to have sex. But he couldn't go on without clearing his conscience first.
“Dan, wait, wait. I need to tell you something first.”
Daniel huffed, clearly annoyed, but said nothing, opting to move away from Shane so he could sit up.
“What is it?”
Shane took a deep breath, staring down at his hands. It was now or never.
“Last night, I was out with the guys and… I drank. Maybe a little too much.” He couldn’t bring himself to look up at Daniel. “And while I was drunk I might have kissed a guy. Nothing else happened and I immediately regretted it. But, yeah…”
He was waiting for the rage, the screams, but nothing came. Daniel seemed strangely calm.
“Did you like it?”
Shane swallowed, shaking his head. He had come there to clean his conscience, but he couldn’t bring himself to hurt him more than he was already doing.
“No, of course not. I was drunk. I barely remember the guy.”
Another lie. What the hell was wrong with him?
“Then it’s fine. It doesn’t matter.”
Shane eyebrows shot up, surprised.
“It doesn’t?”
“Shane, you were drunk. And it was just a kiss, it’s not like you fucked the guy.”
Saying he was confused would have been an understatement. He was expecting Daniel to be fucking furious, instead he was apparently… fine with it. His boyfriend could see the clear confusion in his eyes, and he scoffed.
“You thought I was going to break up with you because of it?”
“Uh, well yes. I’d do it if I were you.”
“Guess I’m more understanding than you are, then. And I’ll have to remind you who you belong to.” He smirked, moving over to resume their previous position, pushing Shane down on the couch again.
“You really are okay with it?” Shane asked again and Daniel sighed, rolling his eyes.
“Oh my god Shane, it's fine. Can we fuck now?”
And that seemed to be the end of the discussion.
They did, in fact, fuck that night and it had been nice enough. But Shane left the next morning with an uneasy feeling in his chest. Especially because his mind had conjured images that definitely did not have Daniel as a protagonist.
*****
A month later, things had gone back to being the same. Shane and Daniel were still together and, surprisingly enough, he and Rozanov had not crossed paths again.
Well, not surprisingly really. It was a strategy. Shane had started going to the shop earlier than usual, before the tattoo parlor could open and he was also the last to leave, waiting for the other to close before they could meet. It was the perfect plan.
Rose had called him ‘insane’ for that, but he didn’t care. The more he stayed away from Rozanov, the better it was. Besides, he was too busy to think about him. With May rolling in, weddings were a must and he had been booked for months now. He liked weddings the most out of all the events he was usually called for. Seeing the joy on people’s faces and knowing that Shane had been part of it was an indescribable feeling.
But May in Ottawa also meant that the Canadian Tulip Festival was approaching and this year he was part of the Tulip Market. He was going to sell his Ikebana art and it was also a great way to put the shop on the spot. To say he was excited was an understatement.
He had hoped Daniel would take some time off to come and see him during those days, but apparently his firm had a big case coming up and it was unlikely he would be able to see him. Not that Shane had been expecting him to say yes anyway.
Nonetheless, he wasn’t going to waste his time being disappointed. He had too much to do. That also meant that he was more stressed than usual. Shane liked order, and he liked it even more when everything went according to his plans. And for that to happen it meant that he had to be an efficient machine, something that drove Rose crazy, because it meant no distractions.
“Shane, I’m begging you. You’ve been working so hard and the world isn't gonna end if you take a night off.”
“Rose, we have a delivery tomorrow. We booked this wedding six months ago. I need everything to be perfect.”
“We don’t have to deliver anything until lunch. Please, I’m so close to getting on my knees. One night with the others. I promise you, I won’t let you drink.”
Rose had been trying to get him out of the shop -and the house- for weeks now. She knew how quickly he could let work take up his entire life if he wasn't careful, but he had managed to avoid her incessant nagging. But he’d be lying if he said he didn’t need one night just to unwind. Especially with everything that was going on in his mind lately.
“Fine.” He sighed, shaking his head as Rose started clapping excitedly. “But I’m not gonna be out late.”
She hugged him tight, kissing his cheek. “You won’t regret this!”
For some reason, he doubted that.
His suspicions were confirmed a few hours later. They had been at their usual table with the rest of their group for the past half hour when suddenly Rose’s expression broke in one of pure delight.
“Ah there they are! Svetlana!” She waved her hand toward the pub’s entrance and Shane widened his eyes in pure horror.
Svetlana, the girl that he had seen working at the tattoo parlor at the acceptance desk, slowly made her way toward their table. And right behind her, of course, there was Ilya Rozanov.
“Rose, what the hell??” He hissed and she gave him an innocent look.
“What? We became friends and I invited her. I didn’t know he was gonna come, too.”
Liar. That was a straight up lie and they both knew it.
“Shane, Jackie, Hayden, J.J., this is Svetlana. She works in the tattoo shop next to ours. And this is Ilya. Some of you might recognize him.” She grinned. Fuck her.
“Oh! You’re the guy Shane kissed!” J.J. exclaimed and Shane just wanted to die.
Rozanov, of course, laughed. Because he was an asshole.
“That’s me. Hi everyone.”
“Well, that’s interesting. Isn’t it interesting, Shane?” Hayden looked right at him. Okay he was going to kill his friends first and then kill himself.
He purposefully avoided looking or talking to Ilya the whole time, letting his friends have the pleasure of getting to know him. He wished he could also stop listening, because the less he knew about the guy, the better. But there was no way of avoiding that.
“So you recently moved to Ottawa?” Jackie asked, leaning over the table.
“Yeah, about five months ago. We lived in Toronto before. When Svetlana told me her family was moving to Ottawa and she was going with them, I followed along too. I wasn’t letting my best tattoo artist go.” He smirked and she patted his cheek.
“He looks scary, but he’s secretly a big softy.” She cooed, making him roll his eyes.
“It was merely a professional decision. You’re one of the best fine line artists I know. I wasn’t going to look for another one. It was easier to relocate as well.”
“And you’ve always wanted to be a tattoo artist? I bet it takes a lot of time to become one.” J.J. chimed in, curious.
“I’ve always liked art and tattoos, so it was an easy decision. My father actually wanted me to get into sports. Hockey. I liked it, but not enough to make me interested in becoming a professional player.”
“Really? Shane used to play hockey.” Hayden said and suddenly all eyes were on him. For fuck’s sake, exactly what he didn’t want.
“You played hockey?” Ilya asked, now staring at him and Shane, who had tried not to be pulled in by those eyes, was now forced to, unable to look away.
“Um, yeah. But it was a long time ago. I got injured and had to step away.” He said, with a bittersweet smile. It didn’t hurt as much anymore - or at least that's what he tried to tell himself and others-, but it was still not his favourite topic.
“I’m sorry.” Rozanov said, and Shane could hear the sincerity in his voice. He appreciated that.
“Don’t be, it’s okay! Besides, I got my flowers now, I’m much happier.”
“Oh, Shane is so good with flowers. He knows everything about them.” Rose wrapped an arm around him, clearly trying to hype him up.
“Do you have a favourite flower?” Svetlana asked with a small smile and he nodded at that. Talking about hockey was difficult. Flowers on the other hand, he could talk for days.
“I love white lilies. They are beautiful. They stand for purity, but also-”
“Rebirth.”
Shane stared incredulous at Ilya, eyes wide in a surprised expression.
“Yes, how did you-”
“Hey there guys.”
A voice interrupted him and Shane turned around in his seat just to be faced with his boyfriend.
“Hey…” The rest of his friends greeted him, barely hiding their annoyance.
“Daniel, what are you doing here?”
“You texted me you guys were here, remember? And I thought I could spare some time to see my boyfriend before going home.” He smiled, grabbing a chair and sitting next to him, before planting a kiss on Shane’s lips.
He had totally forgotten he had texted him they’d be there. He blushed slightly in embarrassment at the kiss and for some reason he felt compelled to look at Ilya. He felt a little taken aback when he realized that Ilya wasn’t looking back at him, his gaze elsewhere. He didn’t know why, but for some reason, that stung. It was probably for the best and he definitely shouldn’t feel embarrassed about being kissed by his boyfriend. And yet, he felt weird about it.
“I don’t think we’ve met. Hi, I’m Daniel, Shane’s boyfriend.”
“Svetlana. This is-”
“Ilya.” Rozanov said, his eyes finally moving, landing on Daniel. There was something in them… They weren’t as soft as before. There was an air of defiance behind them. Or maybe Shane was imagining things.
“Well, it’s a pleasure. How do you guys know each other?”
“They have a shop next to ours. I told you about it, remember?” Shane intervened but Daniel looked clueless. Ugh. “The tattoo parlor?” He continued, hoping to nudge his memory.
“Oh, yeah!” He exclaimed, but Shane knew that tone. He definitely had no idea what Shane was talking about, but pretended to know. He glanced at his friends and if looks could kill, it would have been a bloodshed with the way they were all looking at Daniel. Shane winced a little at that. He shouldn’t have texted him.
“So, what were you talking about before I interrupted you?”
“Shane was telling us about his favourite flower.” Svetlana replied and Daniel rolled his eyes.
“Always going on about flowers, this one. I told him so many times he should find something else to talk about.”
“It was actually very interesting.” Ilya interjected and his tone made Shane’s breath hitch a little.
“Oh, did you tell them about that thing that you do? What is it called again? Iki… Ika…”
“Ikebana.” He muttered, annoyed. He had lost count of how many times he had corrected him and he still couldn’t remember.
“It’s the art of flower arrangement, right? It’s Japanese.” Ilya said and Shane couldn’t hide the bright smile that formed on his lips.
“Yes, that’s right! My mother is Japanese and she taught me all she knew about it. That’s how my interest started.”
“Shane is also a certified teacher. He holds workshops every month in our store.” Rose said, beaming up at him.
“You know a lot about this stuff, for someone who does tattoos for a living.” Daniel suddenly noted, staring at Ilya and the other smirked.
“And you don’t know much for being his boyfriend. Shouldn’t you be at least respectful about Shane’s roots? Learning how to say Ikebana should be the bare minimum.”
Oh shit. What was going on? Why was Ilya antagonizing Daniel now? Shane could sense the shift in the air, now charged with tension and he didn’t like that one bit.
“It’s okay. It’s not easy to pronounce.” He said, trying to defend his boyfriend, even though it was really fucking easy, but Daniel had never spared a minute to properly learn anything about it.
Ilya and Daniel were now staring at one another like they wanted to be at each other's throats and that definitely wasn't good. This was getting way too awkward and Shane was pretty sure he was going to die of embarrassment if he didn’t leave soon. He stood up, grabbing Daniel’s hand and tugging it so he could follow.
“Well, it’s getting late and I have tons of stuff to do tomorrow. It was nice, guys. Daniel, drive me home?” He urged him, needing to get out of there. Daniel followed suit and they both waved at the group before walking out of the pub and into the car.
The drive home was mostly quiet and Shane looked out of the window, unable to say a single word. He could see, out of the corner of his eye, the tension in Daniel’s jaw.
“That Ilya guy…” Daniel suddenly spoke, “He’s an asshole. Are you really friends with him?”
“What?” Shane turned to finally look at him. “No way. We’ve spoken maybe one time. We’re not friends.”
“I don’t like him.”
“Well, I don’t either, so don’t worry.”
“He’s not the guy you kissed, is he?” He asked and Shane felt himself blush. He looked away, his face turned against the window once more.
“Ha. That’s crazy..” He simply said, but his heart was beating so fast he could feel it in his throat.
*****
The Canadian Tulip Festival in Ottawa was a ten-day event that sprawled throughout the city, attracting visitors from all over the world. It had always been one of Shane’s favourite events since he was a child, even before getting an interest in flowers. He loved the colours, the way every corner of the city was filled with beautiful tulips all over. Of course it had an important historical meaning as well, but most of all, Shane loved the joyous feeling the event brought with it.
The only problem though was that this time, it also brought stress. As beautiful as it was, it also meant that, with his job, he was busy as hell. More so this year, since he was actually taking part in the Tulip Market.
Usually people there brought their own tulip-inspired creations, so Shane thought it would have been nice to create some smaller themed ikebana installations that he could sell, something easier to buy during events such as this one, along with the materials to make them, if one so wished. If he could get even just one person interested in the art, he’d be feeling accomplished. He’d be making them on the spot too. It was practical -because ikebana arrangements weren’t something one could make in bulk-, but also a great way to showcase his skills.
By the last day of the festival, he had sold quite a few of them, his face permanently stuck on a bright smile. He was tired -so very, very tired- but also incredibly happy. He had lost count of the amount of people who had praised him and his art, so many stopping by multiple days in a row just to admire him as he worked, others asking for information, interested in taking lessons themselves. It filled him with pride.
He just wished his boyfriend had shown up at least for a few hours. Over the ten days he had not stopped by, not even once. He didn’t blame him, he had told him he was working after all, but it still didn’t sit right with him. He wished he could show just an ounce of interest for what Shane did.
He shook his head, trying to get rid of those thoughts and resorted to taking a look at his watch. 5:30. Just half an hour and then he could go home. He started tidying everything up, when a deep voice startled him.
“Packing things up already?”
He looked up, finding Ilya Rozanov standing in front of him. He was wearing a sleeveless white t-shirt, his tattooed arms fully showing and with the way the material was widely cut, he could see the tattoos going up to his shoulders as well. Shane suddenly found himself parched.
“Uh, yeah. You’re late, Rozanov.” He said, quickly averting his eyes as he kept on sorting everything out.
“Ah, pity. And here I was, hoping to see Hollander in action.”
“Yes, well, I’m hosting a workshop in a few weeks, if you want. But I doubt you’d be interested in that.”
“I might surprise you, Hollander.”
The way he said that made Shane glance at him. He was waiting for some snarky remark or something. Instead, he looked serious and that made Shane’s stomach do a flip.
“You would?”
“What? Just because I’m covered in tattoos and I look like a handsome devil, you think I wouldn’t be interested?” he chuckled and Shane rolled his eyes a bit at the lack of modesty coming from the other. But he couldn’t argue with that. He was handsome.
“Just thought it wasn’t exactly a field you’d be curious about.”
“Ah, you’re prejudiced, Hollander. I contain multitudes. And I'm interested in what you do. I thought that much was clear, from the other night.”
Shane’s breath caught at the memory. The way Ilya had defended him in front of Daniel was something he found himself thinking about quite often, probably more than he should have. It had been sweet of him, but also angered him. They didn’t know each other so why the fuck had he acted that way? He had wondered if he should ask him or not, but he chose to stay silent.
That is until Ilya spoke again.
“By the way, where is your boyfriend? Don’t tell me he didn’t show up for you.”
Shane slammed down a cardboard box he was handling, turning to fully look at him.
“Okay, what is your problem, exactly? My relationship is none of your business.”
Ilya simply shrugged.
“I just think you could do much better.”
And that infuriated Shane even more. Because he knew that, his friends told him constantly. But Ilya didn’t know him. He knew nothing about him. And if even a stranger could see that, it meant that Shane really was being blind and holding on to something that he was supposed to put an end to. He just didn’t know how.
“We’ve barely spoken, I don’t think you can dictate who I should or should not date.” He muttered and Ilya simply grinned.
“Does he know we kissed?”
At that Shane blushed heavily, his eyes widening for a fraction of a second, before scolding his expression back into something neutral.
“He knows I kissed someone. He doesn’t know it’s you.”
“And he was okay with that?”
“Yes,” he hissed, frowning. “Because he’s an understanding boyfriend who knows that a drunken kiss means nothing.”
Ilya shrugged, a smile still plastered on his face. “And was it nothing for you?” he asked then, tilting his head to the side.
Shane gaped at him. “Of course it was nothing! I was drunk! I didn’t even know it was you.”
“But you seemed to like it. Doesn’t your boyfriend kiss you properly? If I had a pretty boyfriend like you, I’d never stop.”
“Okay, enough. I’m definitely not having this discussion with you. I don’t know you.” He huffed, trying to keep himself busy so he could ignore the way his heart had started beating faster. Did he just call him ‘pretty’?
He could hear the other laugh under his breath.
“I’m just teasing you, Hollander.” He said, before leaning over the exposition table Shane was clearing up. He could see his arms bulging as he crossed them on the surface and Shane had to restrain himself from the very impure thoughts that formed in his head. Like wanting those arms around his throat.
“But if you want a repeat performance, I wouldn’t be against it. Preferably sober this time.” Ilya winked and goddamit, that husky voice and accent sent a shiver down Shane’s spine.
He scoffed, turning his back on him as he pretended to look for something, just so he could hide his burning face.
“In your dreams, Rozanov.”
“Oh, it already happened there. And more.”
This time, Shane couldn’t help but turn around, staring right at him. While Ilya sounded like he was joking, his expression was charged with something Shane couldn’t exactly pinpoint. Lust, maybe? It surely wasn’t an expression he had ever seen on Daniel’s face. Ilya looked like he wanted to eat him. Like a predator stalking its prey.
Shane shivered under those eyes and he felt his cock twitch. Definitely not the right time, since they were in public, surrounded by families.
Ilya straightened up, tapping the table with his open palm, taking a step back.
“I should go now. I’ll see you soon, Hollander.” He purred, before walking away.
Shane stood there, his legs feeling like jelly. Fucking hell, he hated Ilya Rozanov.
*****
Avoiding Rozanov proved to be a hell more difficult than Shane expected. His masterplan of getting in early and leaving late hardly worked anymore when the man would just pop-up during Shane’s lunch break. He had somehow clocked Shane’s plan and he was deadset on driving him crazy.
Shane usually liked to spend it at the shop. Unlike Rose, who went out to the café across the street every day, he brought his lunch from home. It wasn’t just a matter of saving up money -although that was also one of the reasons-, but he preferred cooking himself rather than eating some heavy processed food that cost up to 30$.
So every Saturday he’d cook his own food for the whole week and bring it to work. He had tried offering to cook for Rose too, but she had looked as if he was trying to poison her. It’s not like his cooking was bad, but it was very bare and simple.
He wasn’t on a diet or anything like that, but he liked to eat healthy. So lots of veggies and proteins, carbs every now and then. Minimum amount of oil and definitely no butter. He wasn’t an athlete anymore and he was on his feet most of the day. It wasn’t like he was burning thousands of calories every day like he used to do and with his job taking most of his time, he could pop into the gym only during the weekends -and with his bad knee, he had to be careful, too. So he had to compensate somehow.
It’s not like he was necessarily happy about it, he loved food just as much as everybody else and he would indulge every now and then. But he still wanted to be careful.
So, he would end up eating his pre-made meals propped on the shop’s counter. He could eat in the backstore, but he also wanted to be ready in case someone were to stop by, like a courier or something. That also meant that he was perfectly visible from the outside. And by Ilya, too.
It started as a coincidence, with Ilya passing by during his own lunch break, walking in to pester Shane -and basically convincing Shane into giving him his number-, and then it became a every-day nuisance. And as much as Shane hated that, he also… secretly liked it.
His reason for avoiding Ilya was because the constant reminder of their last conversation and the way Ilya had looked at him made Shane feel things he definitely shouldn’t feel. And Rozanov walking in, every day, and spending his own lunch break together made all of that very difficult.
At the same time, it was nice. Yes, there was the occasional flirt (“I could probably give you a tattoo if you want. You'd look hot with one.” he said one day, prompting Shane to flip him off), but they also actually talked. Ilya would ask about Shane’s day, Shane would ask about his. Nothing too personal, but during these times he learned many things about him.
He learned that Ilya had actually managed to get into Canada by enrolling into college, helped by Sevtlana’s family.
He learned he started working as an apprentice in a tattoo shop while he was still studying.
He learned he loved eating junk food, which made Shane gag but also wonder how the hell he had such a perfect body.
He learned that Ilya was a good listener, looking entranced as Shane explained the meaning of every single flower in the shop, with Ilya asking questions and seemingly never getting tired of doing so.
He learned that those little lunch breaks slowly became the highlight of his day. And it was a problem.
Because those moments made his mind wander and he couldn’t let that happen. Not when he was already having doubts about his own relationship.
The highlight of his day should be receiving a text from his boyfriend or seeing him, not waiting for Ilya Rozanov to show up at the doorstep of his shop.
Ilya was showing him what it meant when someone actually wanted to know more about you and the comparison was inevitable. While at the beginning of their relationship Daniel had been vastly different from the way he was now, he had never actually shown him this level of interest.
Shane didn’t know if Ilya was pretending or not, maybe he was waiting for Shane to lower his defences. He couldn’t know. But he wanted to believe there was more to it, especially when those iridescent eyes looked at him with wonder every time he explained something to him.
And that day wasn’t different from any other day. They were sitting at the counter in Shane’s shop, Ilya wolfing down a hamburger, Shane eating his chicken salad -Ilya having just finished complaining about his ‘rabbit food’.
“Why did you decide to study Ikebana?” he asked suddenly, popping some fries into his mouth and Shane looked down at his lunch, staring pensively at it.
“Well… When I left hockey, I felt a little as if I was going adrift.” He muttered, his fork moving the food into his container around as he spoke. “Hockey gave me structure and rules. I’m good with those. If I don’t have them, I feel a bit lost sometimes. Ikebana, while freeing, still follows some rules. It’s about balance. And at the time, that’s what I felt was missing and I needed that.”
He punched a piece of chicken with the fork, noticing that Ilya still hadn’t spoken. When Shane looked up, he couldn’t help but notice the other giving him what looked like a fond smile.
“What?” He asked, tilting his head in confusion.
Ilya chuckled. “Nothing. You’re boring, Hollander.”
At that, Shane recoiled a little. Daniel sometimes would call him boring and he hated that. To hear Ilya say that too… it stung.
“I’m not boring! Just because I like rules and stuff, doesn’t mean I-”
“I like boring.” Ilya interrupted him, staring right at him. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”
Shane swallowed, feeling his cheeks getting slightly hot. Ilya managed to dissipate his worries with just three words.
“Yes, well… I know it might be unusual, but that’s how I roll.” He stuck a piece of chicken in his mouth and for the first time it felt way too dry. Or maybe that was just his mouth.
“Hollander, you don’t have to justify yourself to me. And to be honest, it makes sense now, with how straitlaced you are.” He grinned, clearly teasing him and Shane fake gasped.
“Straitlaced? How dare you!” He said, feigning indignation, but he actually had to stop himself from chuckling along. He felt the air change though as Ilya’s voice dropped lower with his next words.
“I wonder what one should do to make you loose.” he said in a purr, his chin resting on his clasped hands.
Shane blushed heavily at that, immediately avoiding Ilya’s gaze, now charged with something different.
He cleared his throat, playing with the left-over lettuce.
“I think you mean ‘loosen up’.”
“Nope.” Ilya replied, make the ‘p’ pop as he said it.
Shane bit his lips at that and he cleared his throat, quickly looking for the lid of his container as he felt his heart rate accelerate.
“I should go back to work. I have some orders to prepare.” He said, hurriedly cleaning everything up, feeling Ilya watching him as he moved around.
“Lunch break isn’t over yet.” He heard the other say, and it was true, but right now he needed Ilya out of his shop because he couldn’t bear having him in his same space anymore.
“I know, but I just realized how much stuff I have to do. And Rose will be back soon and I better get everything ready so I can send her out for deliveries.”
Suddenly, he felt Ilya’s hand closing around his wrist and Shane really hoped he wouldn’t notice his pulse spiking.
“You should relax, Hollander. You work way too much.”
Shane gulped, getting free from his grip as if the touch could burn his skin. He realized a second later how abrupt the gesture had been and tried to smile, cracking a joke to ease the tension.
“And you don’t work enough, Rozanov. Don’t you have clients to doodle on?” He lightly smirked and that seemed to work, because Ilya chuckled, standing up.
“Alright, alright.” he said as he wrapped his hamburger in its paper, butting it back in a paper bag along with the fries. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”
He almost sounded hopeful and Shane couldn’t help but nod, because he stupidly looked forward to it.
“Tomorrow.”
*****
“Do you love me?”
Shane was sitting on the couch in Daniel’s apartment, next to him. They were looking through the Netflix catalogue, trying to find something to watch. It was a cumbersome task, especially because they’d always end up watching what the other chose. God forbid they could watch something Shane actually wanted. At first he’d try, but after a year he had just lost all the fire he had and let the other do what he wanted.
That was just one of the many reasons that prompted Shane to ask the question.
“Where is that coming from?” Daniel said, not even looking at Shane, as he was too focused on picking the movie.
“I just… I feel like we’ve been drifting apart lately. I barely see you.” He avoided mentioning the fact that he saw Ilya more than his own boyfriend lately.
“Shane, you know I’m working.” Daniel sighed, still barely paying attention to him.
“I know. But it’s always me asking to see you. Even today, I had to convince you to spend the night together.” And it was true. Shane was trying, he was really trying.
Even though he lately felt incredibly confused, he was still finding ways for this relationship to work. He kept telling himself every day that there was something to salvage there, that having Ilya Rozanov around was not disrupting what he had built with Daniel. But his boyfriend was making it very hard.
“Oh my god.” Daniel groaned, finally turning to look at him. “You’re so boring sometimes. Look, I’m just exhausted. Some of us actually work.”
Shane blinked at him, unable to wrap his head around what he had just heard, the words hitting him like a slap. ‘Boring’. He hated that word. Unless it came from someone else. He slowly frowned, clenching his fists.
“What is that supposed to mean? I work hard, too.”
“You stand in a shop wrapping flowers in paper. I wouldn’t call that working hard.” He scoffed, focusing back on the TV.
Anger flared in Shane’s chest and he could feel his eyes starting to water, his vision blurry.
“You think just because I don’t work in a big office like you, then that means what I do is somehow less important? I worked my butt’s off to get where I am. I studied for it. I am actually busy, every day.”
“You spent, what? Two years in college and then shipped yourself off for a three weeks course on how to fancily wrap flowers or how to stick them in a vase? Babe, come on.”
“Ah, so when it comes to making fun of me suddenly you remember what I did in my life.”
Daniel dropped the remote, looking at Shane like this was nothing but a bother for him.
“Did you just come here to fight or what, Shane? Because I’m getting tired and I have to wake up early tomorrow.”
Shane was shaking with fury now, his eyes full of unshed tears. He bit down on his lips before hastily standing up from the couch.
“You know what? Fuck you. I’m going home.”
“Shane…” Daniel groaned, but Shane had had enough for tonight. He grabbed his overnight bag and walked to the door, putting on his shoes. He had half hoped that his boyfriend would follow him, trying to stop him, but after a minute it was clear that wasn’t going to happen. He opened the door, slamming it shut behind him.
Fuck him. Fucking bastard. Who did he think he was, talking like that, as if Shane was a lesser man than him? He really needed to get off his fucking high horse. Shane had never felt so humiliated in his life.
He was proud of what he did. He knew it wasn’t like being a lawyer or some other fancy shit like that, but it so happened that he loved doing what he did. It was something that lifted him up when he thought he had lost everything. Something that gave him purpose. And he had managed to make him feel like shit because of it.
He needed to see his friends. He knew they were out, because Rose had tried to convince him to ditch Daniel and go with them. He probably should have done that. He immediately texted her, just to make sure they were all still together.
Shane:
Are you still at Quinn’s?
Rose:
Hey! Yes, we’re here.
Weren’t you with Daniel? Is everything alright?
Shane:
Yes.
No.
I’ll be there soon.
Ten minutes later he was making his way into the pub. He spotted his friends sitting at their usual table. He couldn’t help but notice that Svetlana was there. His heart made a little flip at the thought of Ilya being there, too, but he wasn’t sitting with them.
“Shane, sweetie.” Rose stood up as soon as he saw him, hugging him tight. “What happened?”
“I fought with Daniel…” He muttered, his voice muffled by Rose's shoulder, his face pressed hard into the crook of her neck. He was expecting her to say something mean about Daniel, like she usually did. Instead she just stood there, stroking his back and hair.
“Come sit with us. You need a beer, stat.”
“I actually…”
“You’re not gonna refuse, Hollander. Come on.”
She grabbed his hand, walking toward the table and making him sit down. She then proceeded to fill a glass with beer, pushing it in front of him.
“Drink.” Rose ordered and he sighed, before taking a sip. Okay yes, he needed this.
“You alright buddy?” Hayden asked and Shane shook his head.
“You guys are right, I should break up with Daniel.”
“Want to tell us what happened?” J.J. looked at him with worry and Shane took a deep breath, rubbing his face.
“He was just his delightful asshole self. He basically said my job is not a real job.”
“What??” Jackie exclaimed out loud, making a few heads around them turn. “Oh, I’m going to kill him, I swear.”
“We are not going to kill anyone, baby.”
“We?” Shane asked, unable to hold back a little smile.
“Yes, of course. If Jackie kills someone you can be sure she’s gonna need me to help her and hide the body. We’re a team.” Hayden said, pointing between him and his wife and the rest of the table laughed at that.
God, he loved his friends. He was so damn lucky to have them around. The way they managed to make him feel better without even trying was how he knew he wanted them in his life forever.
“Speaking of teams… Svetlana, where’s Ilya. I thought he’d be with you?” Shane asked and he hoped his question sounded casual enough.
Svetlana looked around the pub, her brows drawn together in concentration as he tried to find the man, before spotting him.
“He is actually, but… Ah, he’s over there.”
Shane turned in his seat and -for reasons he didn’t want to dwell on- he felt dread settle in his stomach.
Near the little stage where live bands usually played, leaning against the wall, was Ilya. And pressed against him was a woman. A woman who was touching his biceps, with a seductive smile plastered on her face. Her lips were close to his face, muttering something Shane could not make out but that apparently was so funny, because he laughed.
Shane clenched his jaw, turning back again, staring into his beer. So that’s how it was. He liked to flirt. Of course he did. He was single, he was good looking and had a great body, of course people threw himself at him. And he knew he had power over them. And those little jokes during their lunches were probably just that. Jokes. He enjoyed provoking Shane, seeing him squirm with just his words. He wasn’t really interested in him. Not that it mattered anyway. They were nothing. There was nothing between them. He shouldn’t even be upset about it.
So why did it sting a little?
“People really do throw themselves at him, huh?” J.J. commented. “Lucky man.”
“Hmm, yes. Women and men. He manages to make everyone fall for him.” She said, her tone though seemed slightly annoyed.
“I can’t even get a girl and he gets both?? How unfair is that?” J.J. moaned, earning a pat on the shoulder from Rose.
“It’s the tattoos. They’re sexy.” Jackie said with a grin and Hayden quickly turned his head to stare at her.
“You like tattoos now? Should I get one?”
“If you do, I might get you a discount.” Svetlana laughed.
But Shane couldn’t really get into the spirit of the table. The image of that woman touching Ilya so intimately was now seared into his mind and he felt nauseous at the thought.
He downed his beer in one go, slamming the glass on the table.
“You know what guys? I’m actually pretty tired, I think I’ll go home.”
“What? Shane, you just got here, come on!”
“Yeah, sorry Hayd, but I feel a headache coming. I’ll see you guys next time, okay?”
And without another word he just stood up, walking toward the entrance, forcing himself not to look at Ilya as he walked by, feeling his heart sinking.
What a really shitty night.
*****
Shane’s mood didn’t get better, not even after a week. The thought of Ilya still angered him, for some reason. And that in itself infuriated him, because why the fuck was he feeling this way? Nothing had ever happened between them except that damn stupid kiss before they even knew each other and some stupid jokes over lunch, which now he felt ridiculous for, because it was obvious that’s all they were.
And he didn’t even want to entertain the idea of what this could actually be: jealousy. Because how could he be jealous of someone who wasn’t even his? Besides, he still had a boyfriend, begrudgingly.
He was still pissed at him, even though Daniel had tried everything to get back into his good side. He had even brought him to one of those lavish restaurants he usually stared at from afar. He had also profusely apologised and Shane had decided to give him one last chance, even if he knew in a few days they'd be back at square one. Because he was weak.
He knew he should break up with him, he knew he was never going to be what he needed. But his stupid, stupid heart still wanted to believe something could change. Especially because he wasn’t sure he could have what he really wanted.
What he definitely didn’t want though was a tall, Russian, tattoo artist currently working right next door. No sir. And the fact that he had avoided replying to his texts and skipping their lunch break appointments had nothing to do with him. That’s what he wanted to convince himself of, anyway.
But that day he didn’t want to think about either of those two idiots. He was hosting one of his monthly workshops and he wanted to be as relaxed as possible, wanting to focus solely on the peaceful feeling only ikebana could bring him.
He usually hosted it after closing hours, so Rose was already gone and he was in the backshop, getting the little area he had converted to host these events ready. Only a handful of people could fit, but honestly he preferred it that way.
He heard the bell at the entrance jingle and he frowned. Rose had left more than half an hour ago and the workshop didn’t start for another hour at least.
“If you’re here for the workshop, please come back later.” He called out, hearing steps getting closer.
“Is it already fully booked or there’s space for one more person?”
Shane turned around so fast he almost lost his footing. He yelped as he felt his knee twist slightly and the pain almost made his leg give out, threatening to fall flat on the floor. Suddenly a strong hand grabbed him by the arm, pulling him forward and he crushed against a hard expanse of muscles. He looked up, finding Ilya staring at him with a worried look.
“You’re alright? Are you hurt?”
Shane swallowed hard, shaking his head, pushing himself away from him.
“No, I’m fine- Ow.” He winced, pain flaring up and he instinctively grabbed his knee, biting down on his lips. Fucking knee. It hurt so bad he could feel tears starting to form in the corner of his eyes.
“Okay, sit. Come on.” Ilya grabbed two chairs, making Shane sit down slowly on one of them, using the other to prop his knee up.
“Do you have any ice packs?” He asked as he looked around the room, but Shane just shook his head. Ilya sighed, running a hand through his hair.
“Okay, I might have some back at the shop. Stay here.”
“Oh damn, I had half an idea of going out for a jog.” Shane managed to joke, which made Ilya smile. Shane followed him with his eyes as he walked out of the shop and sighed. He didn’t know if his heart was beating fast because of the pain or because of how absolutely soft and worried Ilya had looked when he caught him. Why was he there anyway? He didn’t want to see him.
A few minutes later Ilya came back, helping Shane roll up his trousers and lower his compression sleeve, placing the ice pack on his knee. He then handed him some ibuprofen pills, which Shane gulped down with a glass of water. They remained there in silence for a while, with Ilya now seated next to him, with his chest facing the back of the chair, his arms draped over it.
“Are you feeling better?” He asked, to which Shane simply nodded. He hated the fact that he was suddenly so kind. It made it more difficult to stay angry at him.
“Is this the injury you talked about? The one that made you stop playing hockey?”
“Yes…” He mumbled, looking down at his stupid knee.
“You never told me how it happened. Do you feel like telling me?”
Shane’s heart clenched at how sweet his tone was. He was probably trying to distract him from the pain. It wasn’t fair. He just wanted him gone, because he couldn’t bear being in the same room as him.
Instead, he took a deep breath, opening up to him.
“All because of an illegal check. The guy from the other team knocked me hard against the board from behind as I was chasing the puck. We both fell forward. I tried to get out from under him but as I tried to move my skate got stuck and my knee twisted. Unhappy Triad, the doctor called it.”
He felt tears prickling at his eyes, but it wasn’t because of the pain this time. He had spent so many years trying not to think about what it could have been, that recalling that moment made some unwanted feelings resurface. He was happy with what he had, really. But it didn’t make everything less sad.
“Before this, hockey was my life. Being a player was all I ever wanted. Losing everything so suddenly… It was a shock.” His voice caught a little on the last words, before taking another deep breath, trying not to crumble.
“But flowers helped me. It might sound stupid, but it’s true. Some time ago I said that white lilies are my favourites because they symbolize rebirth and that’s how I felt when I started dreaming of opening this shop. Reborn.”
He looked up at Ilya, who was now smiling tenderly at him and Shane felt like wanting to get lost in those eyes. Fuck.
“It's not stupid. And those are my favourite flowers too.” He said, his gaze turning a little sad. “They were also my mom’s. She’s the one who told me their meaning. She died when I was twelve. Accident, my father called it, but I knew what it was. Suicide.”
Shane’s breath hitched at that. During all those talks, Ilya had only once mentioned his father, but he had never talked about his mother, and Shane had never asked. Even now, he didn’t know what to say.
“I’m sorry Ilya…” he simply whispered, and Ilya waved a hand.
“Don’t worry. It hurts, but it's slowly getting better now. Lots of therapy. But I still remember how beautiful and pure she was. And unlike my father, she always encouraged me to follow whatever path I wanted.”
Shane could see Ilya's eyes watering a little too, and he almost reached out to touch him. But he didn’t know how to comfort him or if he even wanted to be comforted, so he decided against it, letting his hands rest on his lap. Ilya must have noticed, realizing his intentions, because he simply smiled at him before continuing.
“After her death I didn’t feel motivated enough, so I just let my father decide my future for me. Then one day I had enough and finally found the courage to tell him I didn’t want to play hockey anymore. That I wanted a different life. I felt reborn too, in that moment.”
He suddenly stood up, lifting his shirt. For a second there Shane was confused about what was going on, not sure where to look, his eyes focusing on his sculpted body, but then he noticed it. The tattoo of a white lily, right over his heart and a golden chain with a cross resting over his chest.
“That day I went out and got this. It was my first tattoo. Did it in her honour. To remember her and to remember I should always choose for myself, instead of letting others decide for me.” He said, before pulling the shirt down and resuming his position on the chair.
The fact that Ilya had opened up to him, and with something so personal too, made Shane feel like he had gotten closer to him, more than ever before. As if he had gotten a glimpse of the man behind the cocky mask. And that was even worse, because he so wanted to stop feeling hopeful there might be more underneath that mask.
“It’s a beautiful tattoo, Ilya.” He said sincerely, because it was.
“Thank you.”
“Do you miss it? Russia?”
Ilya shook his head with a sad smile.
“I don’t. And my father died too, a couple years ago. I still have a brother there but we barely talk to each other, so… I don’t plan on going back.”
Shane simply nodded and after that silence stretched around them. For the longest time they did nothing but stare at one another. At one point Shane had to look away, feeling his cheeks hot and he cleared his throat, changing the subject.
“That one is not on your Instagram page. The tattoo I mean.” He blurted out, wincing right after saying it, and Ilya arched an eyebrow, giving him an amused smile.
“You stalked my Instagram profile?”
“I did not stalk it! I just… stumbled upon it. Like, a month ago. It’s public after all.” He blushed heavily and Ilya just laughed. That laugh was enough to make Shane’s heart tremble a little.
“This one is very personal, that’s why it’s not there. But if you want pictures of my abs you just have to ask.”
“Fuck off!” He exclaimed and Ilya laughed again. Shane had to bite his lips not to break into a smile. He hated how easy it was for Ilya to make him smile, and how at ease he felt with him. He could even feel some of his anger dissipating.
“So… Why did you come here, anyway?” He asked after another brief moment of silence, even though he already knew the answer.
“Because you’re clearly avoiding me. I wanted to see you.” Ilya replied and Shane felt slightly guilty. Busted.
“I’m not avoiding you. I had lots of stuff to do.” he muttered, staring at the floor. “And I had no time to let you make fun of me.” He added then, and that earned him a confused look from Ilya.
“Why would I make fun of you?”
Shane rolled his eyes at that. “Isn’t that what you’ve been doing? Pretending to flirt with me to rile me up?”
Ilya arched an eyebrow.
“I wasn’t pretending.”
Shane scoffed, his voice skeptic. “Ah, so that’s what you do, then. You just flirt with anyone?”
Ilya was now openly gazing at him with the expression of someone who had no idea what Shane was talking about. That irritated him all over again.
“Back at the pub, last week. I saw you, with that woman. She was this close to ripping your clothes off in front of everyone and you looked like you would have let her.”
“Ah, that.” Ilya chuckled. “Yes, I was flirting with her. Or better, she was flirting with me.”
Shane clenched his jaw. “So you admit it.”
“But that doesn’t mean I was pretending with you, Hollander.”
“Sure you weren’t.” He grumbled.
“Why are you so pressed about it, anyway. Don’t you have a boyfriend, as you keep reminding me?”
Shane stilled at those words.
“Yes. I just don’t like to be made a fool of.”
“Or maybe you liked me flirting with you and you got jealous seeing me with her.”
“I’m not jealous! Why would I be?”
“Because you like me and you can’t admit it. And you feel bad about it.”
And at the end of it, wasn’t that the truth? Ilya had managed to see right through him, saying out loud what Shane had been too scared to admit, even to himself. He liked Ilya.
Maybe it was the feeling of being actually wanted by someone, or maybe just the fact that he made him feel in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time. Either way, he couldn’t deny that he was attracted to him. There were multiple reasons why he had tried so hard to pretend he wasn't: one, he had a boyfriend with whom, even if shaky, he still had a relationship. And two, he wasn’t sure this thing between him and Ilya would ever lead to anything more than a fuck.
And he feared he would want more than that and he’d just end up with a broken heart, because Ilya didn’t seem like the type who did relationships.
Ilya stood up once again, this time getting closer, leaning over him and Shane could feel himself getting hot all over.
“You shouldn’t feel bad about wanting more. He doesn’t cherish you enough.” Ilya whispered, his hand coming to stroke his cheek. “Does he tell you how great you are? How beautiful your freckled face is? Does he make you feel good?”
Shane shivered at those words, feeling Ilya’s breath ghosting on his skin. He didn’t know if Ilya really meant any of that, but it still made him feel dizzy. Because no, Daniel never did any of those things and he so desperately wished it could be Ilya, instead. He wished he could hear that deep, warm voice murmuring sweet nothings into his ears every single day. And maybe some other stuff, too. The kind that made him come at night as he dreamed of tattooed arms holding him.
“If I were him, I wouldn’t let a day go by without seeing you.” Ilya purred and Shane swallowed, his chest heaving with heavy breaths.
“Did you tell her the same stuff to get in her pants, too?” He replied, because he was a brat and he was done being played with. Ilya chuckled, shaking his head.
“No. This is just for you.”
Shane’s breath stuttered then and he realized now how close Ilya’s lips were. It would have been so easy to just lean forward and kiss him…
But he couldn’t.
“I’m not going to jeopardize my relationship over some words, Rozanov.” He said instead, looking up at him and Ilya just stared for a long moment, before sighing and pulling away.
“We both know your relationship is not working out.”
And he was right once more. But he had already cheated emotionally. He wasn’t going to do that physically as well. Again.
“Yes, it is. And even if it wasn’t, I’m not going to let you fuck me just to discard me after.”
Ilya’s demeanor suddenly changed, his face turning serious and the rapid shift took Shane aback a little.
“I wouldn’t do that to you, Shane. This isn’t that.”
“And what is it then?” Shane said, holding his gaze and for the first time, it was Ilya who avoided it.
“I should go. Remember to ice your knee again later.”
Without another word, Ilya left, the bell by the door jingling and then silence.
The knee didn’t hurt anymore, but for some reason, Shane still felt in pain.
*****
Shane let another week go by after that. A miserable week during which he felt like shit, even though he technically hadn’t done anything wrong. Actually he had stood his ground pretty well, if someone were to ask.
Not that he told anyone about his conversation with Ilya, not even Rose. Because he knew what she would say. She would just push him into this crazy thing and tell him, once again, to break off whatever joke of a relationship he was in.
But he couldn’t do it. He was scared. Because what if he actually broke up with Daniel? What if he threw himself in the arms of Ilya, just to end up empty handed? Was it really okay for him to chase something he might actually want and risk something that, while it wasn't working, was still secure and could -maybe- be fixed?
He was spiraling. And he was being stupid. Yes Daniel wasn’t the best, but he wasn’t even the worst. Sometimes. And Ilya… He didn’t know him well enough. He didn’t know how true his words were, how much he meant what he said. It could be all a ruse just to get him in bed, for all he knew. Even though he had seen something in his eyes…
But at the end of the day, he didn’t really know him. Yes, they had become closer and yes, he was kind for helping him and Shane had appreciated how he had opened up to him, but that didn’t mean anything. How much could he trust him?
And there was the guilt, too. Because, he had thought of him. A lot. Every day and every night since he had introduced himself to him. For fuck’s sake, he had thought of him even during sex with Daniel, that was probably the worst thing he could have done.
He had to stop seeing him, nip this friendship -or whatever it was- in the bud. He had to, for his mental health. He had to focus on his relationship and how to make it better. He knew there was still something there, it had been great at the beginning. It could be great again. He wanted to believe that.
“Fuck.” He groaned, hiding his face into his crossed arms, where they were laying on the shop’s counter. He was going insane.
Suddenly, the bell by the door jingled and he shot his head up, resting it again when he noticed it was just Rose, back from her deliveries. He ignored the slight pang of delusion that had bloomed in his chest.
“You alright, boss?” She chirped, enthusiastic as always.
“Hmm. Just a headache.”
“Well, cheer up, because we have another order. Someone wants one of your Ikebana pieces.”
He looked up at her, surprise morphing his features.
“Who??”
“Svetlana. For the shop.”
Of course. What were the odds? He clenched his jaw.
“I’m not doing it.”
“Yes, you are. Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you or what your issue is, but this is work. And you can’t refuse work.”
“Actually I can refuse clients.”
“Not this one, you’re not. Because I promised her.”
“Since when you and Svetlana are so close, hmm?”
At that, she saw Rose’s cheeks tinting themselves red and he widened his eyes. Was she… Was she blushing? He had never seen Rose blush before, not even once. She was the one who made other people do that.
“...Rose?”
“We might have… kissed. And fucked.”
“What??” He straightened up, his eyes so wide now he was sure they were gonna bulge out of his head.
“It just happened!”
“How… When…”
“We just got really close these past few months. I got to know her, she got to know me, and then... Remember the day of your fight? When you came to the pub and left?”
Of course he did. The night he saw that girl ready to climb Ilya like a tree. Bile threatened to rise up at the memory, and he simply nodded.
“We stayed there talking, up until closing hour. And you know how these things go, we started joking, then we started flirting. And suddenly we were kissing on her bed and we had sex.”
He was flabbergasted, but he couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face as he listened to her.
“Oh my god, Rose! Was that your first time with a woman?”
“I’m having a bit of a deja vu.” She chuckled, but shook her head. “No. Well, technically yes. I did kiss other girls before, but never went further than that. But I always felt some sort of attraction, I just never really had a chance to do anything else. Until her.”
Shane was speechless. He couldn’t form a coherent thought even if he tried. This was a turn of events he had definitely not expected.
“Do you like her?”
She blushed some more and really, who was this girl in front of him? And what had she done with Rose?
“I really do, you know?”
He broke into a smile, walking around the counter to hug her tight. “I’m really happy for you, Rose. Seriously.” He whispered.
“Okay, okay, don’t get all mushy on me, Hollander.” She chuckled, but hugged him back just as tightly. He could tell she was on cloud nine and he was genuinely glad that his best friend had found someone. This also meant that avoiding Ilya was going to get even harder.
He then pulled away slightly, staring at her and sighed.
“Fine, I’ll take the order. But just for you, alright?”
She grabbed his face into her hand, squishing his cheeks, a delighted smile stretching on her face.
“You are the best, Shane. And she told me she trusts you, so do what you do best.”
It was easier said than done. He usually sold his pieces to embassies or high class hotels. He had even sold some to various shops throughout the city, shops that wanted to seem refined. But a tattoo parlor? He had no idea where to start.
He had seen the shop, he had been inside it. And while there was art on the walls, the place still had an aggressive look, definitely far from what he was used to.
But he did it. It was something small, something that could fit into the limited space of the counter at the entrance of the parlor. He tried to match the colour of the flowers with the vibe of the place, opting for some burgundy peonies, pairing them with some red Japanese barberry branches. Moreover, the flowers also meant wealth and good fortune so he thought that was an appropriate choice.
It didn’t take much, a couple of hours at best for such a small piece, but he thought he had nailed it, managing to keep it elegant and apt for the place.
He stared at the piece, sighing. He didn’t want to be the one to get into the shop. The probabilities of meeting Ilya were too high and he definitely wanted to steer clear of him.
“Rose? It’s done, you can bring it over.” He called out. No answer. Of course.
He ducked his head out of the backshop, taking a look around the store. She was nowhere to be seen. Probably out for another delivery. He could wait for her to get back, but he had no idea when that was gonna be.
“Shit.” He bit down on his lips, debating on what to do as he stared at the floral arrangement.
Fuck it. He could do this. And if he met him, he could just say he was busy and walk right out. That worked.
He carefully grabbed the vase, heading out. It was just a couple of steps from his shop to Ilya’s. He pushed the door, but the place looked empty. Good.
“Svetlana? I have your order.”
He waited for a curly head to pop out of some door, but the place was quiet. He even noticed that there was no music on, which was weird. Since that day they had not stopped playing it, but at least had the decency to not blast it at an ungodly volume.
He waited a few more minutes, before sighing.
“I’m just gonna leave this here and go.” He muttered to himself. He had his hand on the door handle when a voice stopped him in his tracks.
“Shane?”
He slowly turned around, seeing Ilya standing there in the hallway. Shit. He knew this was gonna happen. Lucky, as usual.
“What are you doing here?” He continued, taking a few steps in Shane’s direction.
Don’t come any closer. Don’t come any closer.
“I, um. Svetlana ordered an Ikebana piece for the shop. I was just delivering it, but she’s not here.”
“Yeah, her and the others are out for lunch.”
“And you’re not with them?”
Ilya shrugged. “Felt like eating here. Although it’s not as fun without you.” Another step.
Please, stop.
“Ah. Right. Well then, I should-”
“How are you feeling?”
“Huh?”
Ilya jerked his chin in his direction, his eyes pointing at his leg. “Your knee. Is it better?”
Shane glanced down as well, before looking up. And he shouldn’t have done that, because now Ilya was just a few feet from him and his piercing gaze kept Shane pinned right where he stood.
“Uh, yes. Better thanks. The ice helped.”
Ilya smiled softly and Shane felt like melting right there and then.
“Listen…” The blond took a deep breath, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and index. “About what I said, I-”
“You were right.” Shane suddenly blurted out and could see the other frowning in confusion. Damn his tongue. The words had just escaped from his mouth involuntarily, but now he couldn’t stop them. “I was jealous. I wanted to be her.”
“I don’t…”
“That girl. At the pub.” He said through gritted teeth, as if it pained him to admit it. “I wanted to be her. I wanted for you to look at me like that. I wanted to be the one to touch you.”
Ilya stared at him dumbfounded for a few seconds, before something dark flashed in his eyes. Before Shane could even wrap his head about what was going on, Ilya took the final step and grabbed him by the jaw, crashing their lips together.
A moan escaped from Shane, his eyes fluttering closed at the contact. It felt like an electric shock pervading his body. He had wanted that for so long, his skin felt like live wire, jumping at every minute touch. Driven by his instinct he let his hands move toward Ilya’s biceps first, feeling the solid muscle there, before climbing upwards, tangling them into those beautiful curls, pulling him impossibly closer.
It wasn’t a soft kiss, there was nothing sweet or romantic about it. It was pure hunger, it was passion and pent up frustration, their tongues licking into each other’s mouths, their teeth biting and pulling at their lips.
Ilya pulled away just enough to breathe, before speaking. “Follow me.”
He grabbed Shane’s hand, pulling him into what looked like a small office, only a couch and a desk there, with a little bookshelf full of documents and binders. As soon as the door was closed and locked, Ilya pushed him against it, reclaiming Shane’s mouth.
It was incredible, it was animalistic and Shane had never felt more aroused in his entire life. His body was screaming for more, and it never had before. Not like this. He could feel himself getting hard and was delighted to find out that he wasn’t alone. Ilya slotted a knee in between his legs and Shane drove his hips forward, the sudden friction making him groan in pleasure into the other’s mouth.
“Fuck, Rozanov.”
“Ilya.”
“W-what?” He opened his eyes and he found himself staring at the man. The colour in his eyes had completely disappeared, swallowed by the black of his dilated pupil.
“I want you to call me by my name. Ilya. Say it.”
Shane’s breath hitched briefly, before whispering: “Ilya.”
“Fuck.” Ilya’s mouth was on him again, his teeth scraping his bottom lip, before descending toward his jaw, then down his neck, biting hard on the skin, licking the indent.
Shane’s hands grasped at Ilya’s shirt, holding onto the piece of fabric for dear life as he tilted his head to the side, granting easy access. But he needed more.
He pulled Ilya away enough so he could move, before dropping to his knees, hastily unbuckling his jeans, pushing them down along with his briefs.
He widened his eyes a little at the sight in front of him. Ilya’s cock stood tall and proud, already hard, a drop of precum dripping down the head. It was big, definitely bigger than Daniel’s. It made his mouth water with desire.
He didn’t waste any time, slowly licking the drop away, his gaze meeting that of the man as he did so. The salty taste lingered on his tongue for a few seconds, before taking a long lap from base to head, the wet heat of his mouth slowly engulfing the length.
“Fucking hell, Shane.” Ilya groaned, one hand resting on the door, the other letting his fingers card through Shane’s hair, not yet gripping, just resting there.
The sounds coming from Ilya only spurred Shane on, who started bobbing his head, gagging every time the head hit his throat. It wasn’t easy, but Shane never backed down from a challenge. He wanted to take it all, savor its taste and feel it afterwards, because he didn’t know if there was going to be a next time.
So he kept going, slowly, pushing forward and backwards, until he could press his nose into Ilya’s pubic bone, his cock filling his throat. He moaned around it, his tongue lavishing whatever part he could reach and judging by the look on Ilya’s face, he was doing a good job.
He gagged slightly at one sudden thrust, Ilya tentatively trying to see what Shane’s limit was and he soon found out there wasn’t one. So the fingers in his hair suddenly clenched around the black locks, gripping them, as Ilya pushed his hips forward, fucking Shane’s mouth.
“Goddamit, your mouth was made for this.” Ilya purred, staring into Shane’s eyes as his cock moved in and out of his mouth, stretching it obscenely. Shane wondered how debauched he looked. He probably was red in the face and he could feel tears in his eyes, a line of spit dribbling down his chin.
Usually he would have felt embarrassed, but right now he was exactly where he wanted to be. He had dreamt of this so many times and he had denied himself for so long, he still couldn’t believe this was real.
Ilya thrust into his mouth a few more times, before pulling out, letting Shane breathe. He quickly hoisted him up, kissing him again and Shane wondered if he could taste himself.
Without another word, they both quickly undressed each other, their clothes kicked aside, before falling onto the couch in a mix of limbs.
“My turn.” Ilya whispered, kissing his lips once more, before starting to leave a trail of kisses down Shane’s neck, his chest, his nipples…
Ilya’s tongue lapped at one of the dark buds, his lips curling around it and the sensation made Shane’s back arch, letting out a loud moan.
“I-Ilya-”
“Hush, kotik, I’m just getting started.”
Once satisfied with one nipple, he started torturing the other, his teeth scraping it, eliciting more sounds from Shane. After a while he let it go, moving down. Shane thought he was going to suck his dick, but Ilya moved further down, grasping Shane’s thighs and widening them apart.
Shane looked at him confused, until something wet slid over his hole.
“Oh fuck Ilya, what- Ah!”
He couldn’t help the obscene whimper leaving his mouth as he felt Ilya’s tongue circling his hole, eating him out. That was the first time he felt anything like that. Sometimes Daniel barely sucked his cock, let alone rim him. So this was a complete new sensation that had Shane see stars as he gripped at Ilya’s curls.
“Ilya, please…” He moaned as he felt the other’s tongue push into him, a choked sound escaping him, akin to a sob. Which only spurred Ilya on, continuing his assault.
Shane felt breathless, the air thick with arousal and he felt like he was losing his mind. It was too much and too little at the same time. He couldn’t take it anymore. And when he felt a hand close around his dick, he knew he was done for.
His body tensed like the string of a violin, seizing as he came, a cry escaping him, unable to hold back. His fingers tugged at Ilya’s curls hard, only releasing them once he came down from his high, feeling cum pooling in his stomach. It was outstanding the way he was feeling right now, unable to comprehend how his body could withstand so much pleasure. How much had he missed out on until now?
He panted, looking down at the Russian, who had a satisfied smirk on his face. He wiped his face, before crawling up Shane’s body, kissing him filthily, and Shane felt light-headed, his cock twitching again despite having just had an orgasm. He needed more, he needed…
“Ilya… please-”
“What, Shane?” Ilya muttered against his skin, biting again on his neck. “Tell me what you need.” He said, as if he could read his mind.
Shane stared at him, his eyes glassy. “I need you to fuck me. Please.” He begged, unable to contain himself anymore.
Ilya practically growled at his request, before pulling away and standing up. Shane protested at the loss of contact but the moment lasted just a few seconds, as Ilya retrieved a condom and a packet of lube from the wallet resting inside his discarded jeans.
Soon, he could feel slick fingers massaging him, opening him up. A finger went in, then two, slowly thrusting in and out, until they found the spot inside of him that made him release a keening sound of pleasure. Ilya kept pressing on it, curling his fingers and Shane’s vision blurred at the edges, his cock now back to life once more, twitching every single time Ilya teased his prostate, pearly drops leaking from it.
Once Ilya pulled his fingers out, it wasn’t long until Shane could feel the head of his cock pressing against his hole. The push was devastatingly slow, making Shane’s breath stutter. He felt like he was stretched to his limit, but the more Ilya thrust inside, the more Shane found himself accommodating his girth.
Ilya stilled inside of him, his elbows bracing Shane’s head as their lips met. This time the kiss was soft, incredibly sweet and it almost made tears escape from his eyes.
“Is this okay?” Ilya whispered and Shane frantically nodded, cupping the man’s face.
“Yes, yes. Please Ilya…”
“Please what, Shane?”
Shane just kissed Ilya hard, moaning into his mouth. “Please move.” He whispered against his lips.
And move, Ilya did. He pulled out, just enough to bottom out, before he started thrusting inside. The rhythm was slow at first, letting Shane adjust to it, but soon enough it became faster, Ilya’s cock battering against his prostate over and over again and Shane’s mind felt like mush as pleasure took over. It wasn’t like anything he had ever experienced before. It was rough, it was intense. And it was fucking incredible.
“Does he fuck you like this? Does he make you feel this good?” Ilya growled, teeth nipping at his jaw, delivering a particularly hard thrust that made Shane’s back arch, pushing back against him.
“N-no. Never.” He breathed out, closing his eyes, feeling more tears running down his temples, leaving a wet trail behind.
“No, malysh. Open your eyes. I want you to see who’s making you feel like this.” He purred, his timbre low and menacing, but there was no threat in his words, nor anger. Shane slowly opened his eyes, met with the face of a man who was lost in pleasure as much as he was.
Ilya suddenly grabbed his jaw, his fingers pushing at the hinges. “Mouth. Open.” He ordered and Shane obliged, feeling spit hit his tongue. It should have been disgusting, revolting even. Instead it sent a thrill down his spine, a satisfied whine leaving him.
“Swallow.” Was the word that came next and Shane, always obedient, followed the instruction, swallowing down Ilya’s spit before opening his mouth again, tongue lolling out, showing Ilya what a good boy he was. For some crazy, deranged reason he wanted to make Ilya proud, wanted the other to see how responsive he was to him. In that moment, he would have done anything Ilya wanted, and more.
“Fuck, you’re perfect.” Ilya moaned, kissing him again, pushing his tongue inside Shane’s mouth. The same hand that was gripping his jaw was now resting on his neck, not choking him, but pressing just enough to make its weight known. His thrusts picked up speed and Shane felt himself dangerously close, pleasure coiling in the pit of his stomach and before he knew it he was coming again, stripes of cum spurting from his cock, completely untouched, his face contorted in a silent scream.
That apparently was enough to drive Ilya over the edge, because suddenly his thrusts became more frantic, losing their rhythm as he chased his own relief and soon he was coming too, his cum filling the latex walls of the condom. Shane could see Ilya’s arms trembling with the effort of keeping himself up, trying not to collapse on top of him and he felt compelled to touch him, caressing one of his tattooed forearms, silently giving him permission.
Ilya let himself go then, letting his body fall on top of Shane and he instinctively wrapped his arms around him. The stickiness would have usually made Shane gag in disgust, but right now he couldn’t care less, letting his cum dry between their bodies.
He felt like floating, every thought from his mind completely wiped out. This wasn’t only a testament of how much he had enjoyed this, but also how incredible Ilya had been. He had endured a year of mediocre sex with Daniel, not knowing what else lied out there. And Ilya had shown him.
They remained like that for a while, basking in the warmth of their bodies, Ilya’s lips leaving small kisses on his cheeks, on his shoulders, wherever he could reach. But as soon as he pulled out and stood up to throw the condom into a bin, reality hit Shane like a punch to the face.
He had cheated. Not just emotionally anymore. He had full-on cheated on his boyfriend with Ilya and he felt bile coming up, burning inside of him.
“Fuck. What did I do?” He quickly sat up, his hands rubbing his face.
“Shane?” Ilya turned to look at him, brows knit together.
“Fuck! I need to go. I shouldn’t be here.”
“Shane, calm down…”
“I can’t calm down!” He exclaimed, standing up as he retrieved his clothes, uncaring of the cum still on his body, the stain like a proof of his crime. “I cheated on Daniel. This was a mistake.”
“Shane, can you please…”
“No.” He couldn’t even look Ilya in the eyes. This was so fucked up. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here.”
As soon as his pants were zipped, he unlocked the door, launching himself out of it and bolting out of the shop.
What the fuck had he done?
*****
When six months ago Ilya had decided to open his tattoo parlor, he hadn’t expected to be kissed by the owner of the flower shop right next door.
Nor to be absolutely enchanted by him.
He still remembered being approached at the bar. He had been out with Svetlana and the rest of their team, celebrating their opening. Well, more like the end of the renovations, the grand opening was going to be the next day. But still, it was something that was definitely worth drinking over.
What he had not accounted for that night was being kissed by a drunk guy who was absolutely stunning. Jet-black hair, almond-shaped eyes, cheeks flushed with alcohol and full of beautiful freckles. That was probably what had caught Ilya the most. And for some reason, he smelled sweet, like flowers.
He was standing right in front of him, swaying a little, his feet continually shuffling on the sticky pub floor as if trying to find his balance. He could see Svetlana arching an eyebrow at him and he just shrugged, before turning his attention back to the guy.
“Can I help you?” He asked, both curious and amused.
“I want to kiss you. May I kiss you?” The man said and Ilya chuckled at how polite that request was. What the hell? Of course that wasn’t the first time he had made out with someone in a bar, but he was the one who usually took the first step. And he had never been this straightforward with anyone. He took time in his approach, usually offered a drink first, flirted his way a little. So he was definitely surprised by the sudden proposal.
“What?” He asked, wanting to make sure he had heard the guy right. But instead of getting a reply, he found himself with an armful of this gorgeous man, his lips pressed against Ilya’s, his hands grasping at his t-shirt. Now, he wasn’t in the habit of kissing drunk people, unless he was drunk as well. And even then, there was a fine line he never crossed. But this guy was so eager, pressing so hard into Ilya, that he couldn’t help but give in a little. He pressed his tongue against those plush, soft lips, their tongues tangling, and he could hear a moan escaping from the other.
At one point the man pulled Ilya forward against him so hard that Ilya had to steady him, placing his hands on his hips just to anchor him to the floor.
Suddenly the guy broke the kiss, stumbling backward and he had what looked like a satisfied expression on his face. He flattened his t-shirt back -with poor results, because it was all crumpled- and then rested his hands on Ilya’s chest, patting it slowly.
“That was good. Thanks.” he slurred, giving him a big smile. And then he was running out of the pub.
“Shane! Oh for fuck’s sake!” A girl followed him out, mouthing a ‘sorry’ in Ilya’s direction as she walked by, and then both of them were gone.
Ilya stood there, blinking quickly, frowning. He was so confused by that exchange. What the hell had just happened?
He should have forgotten about it the moment it ended, really. It surely wasn’t his first drunken kiss and probably wasn’t going to be the last. And yet, during the whole night, the image of that beautiful face, all sweet and blushing, had not left his head.
So one can imagine his surprise when, the next day, he found the same guy standing in his shop. Less blushing, less sweet and definitely angry. And also a bit bossy.
And even then, Ilya couldn’t help but find him absolutely beautiful. And on top of that, he worked right next door.
“So… the guy from earlier this afternoon...” He approached Svetlana later that day, as they were closing up shop.
“Which one?” She said with a little smirk, and that meant she knew exactly who he was talking about. He decided to humor her either way.
“The one who complained about the noise.”
“You mean the one you made out with yesterday?”
He laughed, leaning against a wall and crossing his arms.
“He’s cute.”
“I wouldn’t know. But I saw the girl he works with and she’s really pretty.”
“Yeah, but she’s not my type.”
Svetlana arched an eyebrow at him, giving Ilya a condescending look.
“Since when do you have a type? I thought your type was ‘breathing and alive’.”
“He’s breathing and alive.”
She barked out a laugh, shaking her head.
“You want to fuck him, don’t you?”
And yes, he wanted to. So very much. Because, even though Svetlana thought he didn’t have a type, Shane was exactly what he liked in a man. He had a nice body, packed with muscles, and a pretty face that screamed ‘I look innocent but I’m really not’. And Ilya wanted so badly to find out if that was true.
“Tell you what. I have every intention of getting to know that co-worker of his. Maybe I could convince her to go out all together.” Svetlana said.
It took a month for that to happen. A month during which, even though they worked close to each other, he did not see him. Granted, they were both working and judging by the amount of people walking into the shop, Shane worked quite a lot, but they had not crossed paths, not even once. At one point Ilya was pretty sure the guy was purposefully avoiding him.
Until Svetlana gave him the news.
“We’re going out tonight. And yes, your flower guy will be there.”
So, as they entered the very same pub where they had kissed just a month ago, Ilya’s eyes immediately found Shane’s. And he was just as handsome as he had seen him last time. And the more he learned about him, the more he wanted to know him. They even had the same favorite flower and although for some that would have been a stupid detail, to Ilya it meant the world. Because what were the odds of them both loving it because of the same meaning?
Except that he had a boyfriend. An obnoxious, rude and frankly sub-par boyfriend. A boyfriend who could not even be bothered to pay attention to what Shane was saying and that grated on Ilya’s nerves. Because Shane was cute, yes, but he seemed so much more than that. He was interesting, he had knowledge, he was smart. He shouldn’t be with an asshole like that.
“That guy…” he started after Shane had left with Daniel. Even his name sounded pompous.
“Ugh, don’t get us started, man.” Hayden -that was the name of one of Shane’s friends- groaned with a shake of his head.
“We hate him. So damn much.” Jackie, his wife, said between gritted teeth and the rest of the table agreed.
“We don’t get what Shane sees in him. Honestly, he should just dump his ass and find himself someone better.”
I’m better. I could be better.
“What’s the story there?” He asked instead, sipping his beer, trying not to sound way too interested.
“He came into our shop one day to buy some flowers, that’s how they met. He seemed really sweet at first, he even brought Shane lunch every day. Fucking low bar, I know, but still… That lasted about five months into the relationship. After that, he started showing up less, caring less…” Rose recounted, her face gradually changing from a neutral expression to one of annoyance. “And Shane, who’s definitely too nice, still expects him to change back to how he was at the beginning. He’s not even gonna go and see him for the Tulip Festival.”
“What’s the Tulip Festival?”
“Dude, you’ve never heard of the Canadian Tulip Festival? It’s, like, huge!” J.J. -another one of their friends- exclaimed, and Ilya just shrugged, completely oblivious to it.
“It’s this big ten-day festival dedicated to tulips, it’s like the largest in the world. And this year our shop has its own spot at the market. Shane is going to sell his ikebana art and make it live on the spot.” Rose explained, before sighing. “He was hoping Daniel would go, even if just for a day, but apparently that’s not going to happen because the big lawyer has to work.”
She said it in a mocking tone, making air quotes at the words ‘big lawyer’ and that earned a chuckle from the rest of the table, Ilya and Svetlana included.
“That’s a load of bullshit and we know it. He just has zero interest in what Shane does.” Hayden scoffed, leaning back against his seat.
And that was exactly what didn’t sit right with Ilya. Because if it were for him, he would have shown up for the whole ten days of the festival.
But he couldn’t. That would be weird and Shane would probably think he was some deranged stalker. So he had settled for showing up on the last day. He actually had wanted to take the whole day off just for that, but the amount of appointments for that day had been so large that it was a miracle he managed to catch him just before he closed.
And thank god he did, because he felt his heart skip a beat at the huge smile Shane had on his face. He wanted to pinch those freckled cheeks and wrap him in his arms. And then do something way less innocent.
But Shane still had a stupid boyfriend and that angered Ilya to no end. But Shane was right, they didn’t know each other, as he remarked during Ilya's short visit. He was no one and Daniel was everything. He wanted to change that. He wanted Shane to realize he deserved a man who could show up for him, even if just for ten minutes.
And so he did show up. Every day, at lunch, spending their break together. And if at first Shane had appeared against it, he soon got clearly accustomed to Ilya’s presence and Ilya found himself growing attached to him. Because Shane wasn’t just breathtakingly beautiful. He was also incredibly smart, funny and he found out he could listen to him talk for hours. And it made Ilya want more.
“I think I like Hollander.” He said the next day to Svetlana, who had just finished working on a client.
“I thought we had already established that.” She replied, while starting to tidy everything up.
“No. I mean like, like him.”
At that, Svetlana turned to gaze at him, surprise clear on her face as her eyebrows shot upwards.
“Ilya Rozanov, are you telling me you have a crush on the man?”
Ilya groaned, rubbing his face. Telling her had probably been a mistake, because she became absolutely insufferable.
“Oh my god. This is a first for you, isn’t it? Congrats! So how long until you fuck it up?”
“Jeez, thank you, Sveta. So supportive.”
“I mean, I have to admit, you haven’t fucked anyone in almost a month, so you must really like this guy.” She said, now fully staring at him, crossing her arms.
“I do.”
“So obviously, you’re going to fuck it up.”
“I’m not gonna fuck it up.”
Svetlana hummed then, giving him a patronizing look, before going back to sterilizing her instruments.
“You remember he has a boyfriend, right?”
He gritted his teeth at that. “Unfortunately, yes.”
Svetlana glanced at him briefly after that, before nodding. “Well then. I’ll text Rose. See what I can do.”
But of course, he had, in fact, fucked it up. Well, it’s not like he had done it on purpose. The girl at the pub had practically cornered him and he didn’t even know Shane had been there to see it. But apparently he did. And clearly avoided him because of that.
So he had gone to his shop to see him, to try and spend time with him, because apparently a week without talking to him had made Ilya completely miserable. Instead, he had found himself arguing with him over a stupid mistake. And because he was an idiot, he had to tease him about it, because he couldn’t help himself.
He thought he had done it. Officially ruined everything for good.
And then a miracle. Shane had admitted to liking him, had kissed him back. They had shared what Ilya could say was, without a doubt, the best sex of his entire life.
That happiness had disappeared as fast as it came. One minute it had been pure bliss. The minute after, gone. And with it, so was Shane, burning with guilt.
So yes, six months ago he had not expected to fall completely head over heels for the nice owner of the flower shop next door. And he had managed to ruin everything.
“When are you gonna stop sulking and feeling sorry for yourself?”
Svetlana was in his apartment, a few days after their disastrous encounter. She was watching him as he lay on his couch, staring at the ceiling with an arm draped across his face. Like he was some sick man in a Victorian painting.
“You were right. I messed everything up.”
“You didn’t mess everything up.”
“I did. Why else would he run away?”
“Because he panicked.” She said with a motherly tone, sitting down by his feet. “He’s scared and he’s stuck in a relationship that feels safe and not safe enough at the same time.”
“He should just break up with him. That guy is an idiot who has no idea how to treat him right.” He scoffed, running a hand through his hair in distress.
He should have calmed him down, he should have told him this was not a one-time thing for him. He should have… He should have… There were many things he should have done and yet he had let him go, just like that. Stupid Ilya.
“It’s not that easy. But I’m sure he’ll realize it soon enough.”
“Yeah, I don’t know about that…”
“Trust me. Right now he’s blinded by guilt, but it’s just a matter of time before he realizes he needs to drop that asshole.”
He looked at her, with a sigh. “You think?”
She nodded vehemently “When he came to the pub last time, he was distraught. Apparently they had some big fight. Daniel really treated him like shit. They are on thin ice. And the fact that you two ended up having sex is proof enough that he likes you way too much.”
The idea of Daniel making Shane suffer made Ilya’s blood boil. Shane didn’t deserve that. And Daniel definitely didn’t deserve him. He had this amazing man by his side and he wasn’t cherishing him properly. He wanted to cave his face in. And the worst was that because of him, Ilya couldn’t show Shane how it really was to be with someone who wanted him for real.
He clenched his jaw, his hands itching to get around that fucker’s throat. Instead, he took a deep breath, his eyes fixed again on the ceiling.
“Then what should I do? If I force him to choose me, I’m gonna lose him. If I didn’t already.”
“True. But in the meantime, you could show him you’re actually there for him.”
She fished a flyer from her purse, handing it to him. He grabbed it, confused.
“What is this?”
“The Japanese embassy is holding a Sogetsu Ikebana exhibition in a few days. And Shane is one of the people chosen to showcase his work. I’m going with Rose, but you could come too.”
He stared at the flyer for a while, before looking up at her.
“I think I need a suit.”
*****
Shane was a mess. He felt like he was at the bottom of a well and had no idea how to climb back up.
He had cheated on Daniel, he had gone behind his back. Again. Seriously this time. And while a part of him felt profoundly guilty, another part… didn’t. And that was the problem. Because with Ilya he had felt good.
No, good wasn’t enough to describe how incredible what happened between them was. In a way, he felt like he had been walking through life with his eyes closed the whole time and the moment their lips touched he had finally opened them and a new life had blossomed in front of him. Every kiss, every touch had felt like a shock rewiring his nervous system.
He had felt alive.
With Daniel he had never felt like that, not even at the beginning of their relationship. With Ilya it had been primal. And yet, he had never felt more connected to someone like he did with him. Because, while it had been pure, raw sex, Ilya took care of him. Showed him what real pleasure was like, how good it could be with a partner who cared.
And that also scared him. Because, was there more behind that care? What if Shane was just projecting his needs on Ilya and all the guy wanted was a willing sex partner? Deep down he wanted to believe what he saw and that was a man who desired him, completely. But he was so fucking scared of losing everything.
He hadn’t even told Daniel. He couldn’t. What good could come out of it? While telling him about the drunken kiss had been relatively easy, this wasn’t a conversation he could sustain. Not in the state he was in.
He was confused and needed time to think.
And so, as he always did when he needed to shut off his brain, he turned to Ikebana.
A few days before the tragedy had struck, the Japanese Embassy had got in contact with him. In collaboration with the Sogetsu School of Ikebana Ottawa Branch, the embassy had decided to hold a Sogetsu Ikebana exhibition and they had asked him to take part in it, to showcase one of his pieces.
It was a huge honor for him so of course he had accepted at the time. And in other circumstances he would have been enthusiastic at the idea. But now that the exhibition was approaching, he wasn’t in the right headspace for it. Not after everything. So, in the days following his encounter with Ilya, he had closed the shop, hiding in its backroom, trying to find the will and the inspiration to arrange his piece.
He struggled with it.
His head was in turmoil, his emotions all over the place.
He shut out his friends too.
But in the end, somehow, he did it. Because the best art pieces came from tapping into what was inside.
So, when the day of the exhibition came, Shane was so damn nervous the palms of his hands were all sweaty. He kept trying to dry them on the leg of his pants, but that didn’t seem to work.
The opening ceremony didn’t last long, with a brief speech from each of the people involved in making this exhibition come to life. He sat there, clapping enthusiastically while a very bored Daniel kept checking his watch, looking like he wanted to be anywhere else but there. He had told him about this night as soon as they had contacted him and it had been quite surprising to see Daniel agreeing to go with him.
But now he regretted it. And the reasons were multiple.
It wasn’t just the feeling of dread at the idea of Daniel finding out what happened. It was also the fact that, while he was there to celebrate him -for once, he might add-, he wasn’t even showing a crumb of actual, genuine interest. It drove him up the wall. Just that should have been reason enough to put an end to this farce. If only he could bring himself to do it.
He kinda wished Rose and the others were there. But she was sick, and Hayden, Jackie and J.J. all had previous engagements -and they had apologized over and over again for that. So he was stuck alone with a bored Daniel.
But tonight he wanted to think about anything but this whole ordeal.
After the various speeches were done and pictures were taken, they started walking around, admiring the displayed artworks.
It really was incredible what people had come up with. It was innovative, mixing tradition and modernity in a way that elevated both the flowers and the creativity of the artists. And for Shane’s piece to be showcased here, it meant he had done something that had managed to catch the eye.
But something else had caught his. Or better yet, someone. Someone he wished wasn’t really there, because it was too much.
Ilya Rozanov was standing just a few feet away from him, wearing a pair of perfectly fitted black trousers that hugged his toned legs and a black button down shirt open at the neck, the sleeves rolled up to his forearms, showcasing his tattoos. He was holding a matching suit jacket, hooked on his fingers and draped over his shoulder. He looked like a piece of art himself, something that wouldn't have been out of place in a museum, like a sculpture.
He looked like a beautiful problem.
He seemed entranced by one of the featured works and he had yet to notice Shane. What was he doing here? Was he there for him or was this just a coincidence? The idea that he had decided to come because of him made his stomach do a flip. Both in happiness and fear. Mostly fear though, because Ilya being in the same space as Daniel was definitely dangerous right now.
And speaking of him, Shane glanced around, his boyfriend nowhere to be found. Probably in the bathroom. Thank god.
He didn’t know what to do. Should he walk up to him? Maybe he should at least apologize for running away. He owed him that much, at least.
He took a deep breath, before approaching him. This was probably a very bad idea. But that part of him that was completely insane and had no self-preservation instinct wanted to talk to him. Wanted Ilya’s eyes on him. He couldn’t help it. Especially after ignoring him for days.
“Um, hey.” He started, awkwardly, and Ilya jumped at the sound of his voice.
“Hollander. Hi.” His lips curled into a small smile and Shane almost felt woozy with how gorgeous he looked. He could feel how suddenly awkward they were around each other and he hated that. It was all his fault.
“What… what are you doing here?” He asked, trying to get past the awkwardness.
“Oh. Um, Svetlana told me about the exhibition.”
“Ah, of course. Her and Rose were supposed to come, but Rose is sick so Svetlana is at our place. Keeping her company.”
“Those two really hit it off, huh?” Ilya grinned and Shane couldn’t help but chuckle.
“I think that’s an understatement.” He said. He took a little pause after that, before continuing. “But you came.”
“Yes. Because I knew one of your pieces was here.”
He hated how his heart reacted to that. And that was one more reason to be wary, because how the hell was Ilya so calm? Why wasn’t he spiraling like Shane was? Was it possible that, in the end, he didn’t care about what happened as much as he did?
It was unnerving.
He cleared his throat, waving a hand dismissively.
“Ah, it’s not that important.”
“It is. I mean, we’re at the Japanese embassy, it’s a big deal. You should be proud of yourself. I know I am.”
Goddammit. This wasn’t fair. His heart was now doing literal cartwheels in his chest. Was he really that weak? Had he been so deprived of sincere affection and interest that that was really all it took for him to fall for someone and risk everything?
“Where’s your piece?” Ilya suddenly asked, bringing Shane down to earth and away from his thoughts.
“Oh. Um, here. I’ll show you.” He said, leading him into another room. Of all the art pieces shown there, Shane’s wasn’t the most show-y, but he thought it was elegant.
The vase was made of iron, with a top plate with several circular openings, in which the branches of a maple tree and a Japanese snowball rested, meeting and crossing in the middle, each facing a different direction. At the bottom rested some delicate lilac leather flowers, their vines wrapped around the two branches. The white of the Japanese snowball and the green of the maple created an amazing contrast, giving the piece both beauty and balance.
And that was exactly how Shane had come up with it. Out of a need for balance in his life. Equilibrium. That’s also how he had decided to name it.
He was proud of his work. Maybe it wasn’t the best there, but he had put every ounce of his dedication and care into it. And it had helped in calming him. Until now, at least, feeling out of balance once again.
He ventured a glance at Ilya, who seemed transfixed by the composition. He didn’t look like he deemed this stupid or unimportant, but he seemed genuinely in awe and the realization made Shane blush slightly.
“It’s amazing. It’s… I don’t think my English is good enough to describe it, honestly.” He chuckled, his eyes still fixed on what was in front of him.
“I gather you like it, then.” Shane smiled, gulping when Ilya finally turned to look at him.
“Like it? It’s-” He shook his head, as if he really couldn’t find the proper words. “You’re incredible. Really.”
His tone was so soft and his eyes were so earnest as he uttered those words that Shane found himself unable to reply. But he needed to say something.
“I’m sorry for leaving you like that.” He muttered, quiet enough that he wasn’t sure Ilya could even hear him. “I’m not… I can’t…”
“Shane.” And hearing Ilya say his name made him jolt. “It’s okay. I understand.”
He widened his eyes, meeting Ilya’s, who was now wearing a serious expression on his face.
“I don’t regret what happened between us. But I also understand that I can’t force you to choose me. You’ll have to figure that out yourself, on your own. When you’re ready.”
Shane swallowed past the lump in his throat. This man, this incredible man, had managed to figure him out in ways Shane himself couldn’t. He felt like an idiot. But mostly, he felt stupid for ever doubting what he had seen so far, trying to pretend to be blind. Because the truth would have been too hard to handle.
He was on the verge of replying to him, telling him he would choose him over and over again, but the words dissolved before he could pronounce them, because a voice interrupted them.
“Ah Shane, found you.” Daniel approached, sliding a hand around his waist. His eyes met Ilya’s and Shane could feel the same tension he had felt that night at the pub. Fuck. That’s exactly what his nightmares were made of.
“Ilya. Didn’t see you there.”
“Daniel. What a surprise. Finally care enough to show up?”
“Excuse me?”
“Sorry, judging by last time I didn’t think you were interested in this stuff.”
Daniel's grip tightened around Shane.
“And you are?”
“Well, I’m here, aren’t I? At least I can pronounce the words written on the banner outfront. How’s that going for you?”
Shane could see Daniel’s jaw clenching, looking murderous. Shane wanted to disappear.
“I have a feeling your interest isn’t in the flowers nor the art, Ilya.”
“Ah. Wrong. I like flowers and art. It’s two more things I’m interested in, compared to you. Want to know what the third is? But I think you already do.”
Daniel suddenly let go of Shane, getting dangerously close to Ilya, his hand fisting the lapel of Ilya’s shirt. The Russian, for his part, had an unbothered smirk plastered on his face, staring at Daniel as if he was nothing more than a nuisance.
He couldn’t take that anymore.
“Okay, enough! People are starting to stare and it’s embarrassing. Daniel, let’s go. Out.” Shane hissed, tugging at his arm, noticing how people were stealing glances at them. Fuck, this whole situation had become unbearable.
Daniel let go of Ilya’s shirt, before letting Shane drag him out of the embassy. As soon as they reached the main gate outside, Shane let go of him, running his hands over his face in distress.
“What the fuck is that guy’s problem?”
“No, what the fuck is your problem!” Shane exclaimed, frowning at Daniel. “Picking up a fight with him? Inside the embassy? Do you realize how embarrassing that was?”
“Oh, so now I’m in the wrong? That fucker started, he was all over you!”
“Ah now you suddenly care about me.” Shane scoffed, rolling his eyes and Daniel had the audacity of looking taken aback.
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means that you’re suddenly all territorial and shit when for the past year, you have not given a single fuck about me!”
“What?”
“You pretended to care for, what? Four, five months? And after that you have not shown any interest in me or what I do, not even once. I tried time and time again to be seen by you, while you treated me like I didn’t even exist. And you kept me around for what, exactly? The sex? We barely did it!"
Daniel didn't speak for a while. Then he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“You two fucked, didn’t you?”
Shane froze, opening and closing his mouth, wishing he could say something, but the words just couldn’t come out.
“I knew it. It’s so obvious. I bet he’s also the guy you kissed. I knew I was right the first time.” He scoffed, before continuing.
“You know what? Keep him. You’re right, I did lose interest in you. Should have realized when you told me you had kissed someone else and I felt nothing.”
Shane recoiled at that, but he had no time to open his mouth, because Daniel kept talking.
“I am not proud of it. I admit I probably should have broken up with you sooner. Because the more we went on, the more I realized, you have nothing going on in your life that I find even remotely interesting. You’re boring. If you had hockey it would be better, at least, but all you have is a sob story and the dullest hobby in the world.”
Shane stuttered backwards, his head spinning.
“So why didn’t you just break up with me?”
Daniel huffed, waving his hand in the air.
“Routine, I guess. And having you around was still easier than finding someone else. The question is, why didn’t you? And don’t tell me because you loved me, because that would be hypocritical of you, seeing as you fucked someone else.”
Shane swallowed, feeling cornered.
Daniel pressed on.
“I’ll tell you why, Shane. Because you knew that leaving me would mean being alone. It would mean finding out that there’s not much for people to like, and you were scared of finding out how true that was. So staying with me was just as convenient for you as it was for me.”
The words were cruel, uttered with the sole scope of hurting him and he didn’t want to believe them, but… he was right. He had tried fixing their unfixable relationship because it was better than nothing. In a way it was Daniel’s same reasoning. He could have broken up with him many times, but he didn’t because he was, in fact, scared.
But if there’s one thing he was wrong about was his love for him. Because while he had also probably fallen into a routine, he still had felt something for him, enough to feel guilty, at least. Enough to try and stay away from the only man who had actually managed to make him feel wanted.
The very same man who had turned his world upside down. Ilya, who had shown him how Daniel’s words were anything but true. Because he liked him, all of him. At least that’s what it looked like.
“So… so what was all that for? If you don’t care anymore, why did you act like that? Just because you felt threatened that suddenly someone might be interested in me? Was it an ego thing?” He asked and at that, Daniel started laughing out loud, but it was a laugh devoid of any fun.
If anything, it was mean and mocking.
“You think he’s interested in you? Maybe now, but once he realizes how actually uninteresting you are, he’s gonna dump you, trust me. At least I decided to keep you around, despite everything."
Daniel kept chuckling, running a hand through his hair.
“And yeah, maybe it was an ego thing. I don’t like him and I don’t like being made fun of. But you know what? He can have you. He already has, after all. Good luck putting up with you. See how that works out for him.”
Shane stared at Daniel like one would stare at a dogshit on the sidewalk. He felt nauseous, dizzy. He couldn’t even recognize the man in front of him. Despite everything, he was someone he had loved, someone who he thought loved him back. Just to find out that there was nothing there and probably had never been.
And the worst thing was, that Daniel was managing to get into his head as well. Because what if he was right? What if Ilya thought he wanted him now just to realize that Shane was in fact too much, too boring, too dull.
All this time he had been worried about the wrong thing. It wasn’t whether Ilya wanted him or not. It was whether he’d get tired of him and how soon would that happen. Shane was the problem, not Ilya. He wanted Shane, only because he really didn’t know what was getting himself into. He would probably end up despising him just as Daniel did.
He felt so confused right now, and hurt, but of one thing he was certain. He couldn’t be with Daniel anymore. He should have done this ages ago, too scared to do so, but this was the last straw.
He took a shaky breath, clenching his fists at his side.
“We’re done. You and me. I don’t want to see you again.”
Daniel looked at him for a couple of seconds, before shrugging.
“Fine. Whatever. It was only a matter of time anyway.”
He put his hands in the pocket of his jeans -he had not even had the courtesy of dressing appropriately for the event-, before walking past Shane, not even deigning him of a glance, before leaving the premises and getting in his car.
Shane stared as Daniel drove away, and without even realizing it he started crying, feeling tears running down his cheeks. He should be glad he had finally put an end to this joke of a relationship, and he was. But he felt humiliated.
He heard steps on the grass, right behind him, but he did not turn around. He knew who it was.
“Shane…” Ilya’s voice called him, but he couldn’t do this. Not right now.
“Don’t. Ilya, just… don’t.”
“Are you okay? I-”
“Leave it. Please.” He dried his tears with the back of his hand, before taking a centering breath. “I’m going home.”
“Let me give you a ride.”
“No. I… I’ll take a cab. I need to be alone for a while.” He mumbled, walking away.
It was supposed to be a great night for him. But right now he just wanted to bury himself under the covers of his bed and never leave it again.
*****
When Shane got home, Rose was still awake. He could hear her and Svetlana in her room. He wasn’t going to interrupt them and frankly, he didn’t even want to see anyone else. The moment he stepped into his room and closed the door behind himself, he crumbled.
His knees gave out and he slid down the wooden door, clutching himself. The last time he had felt like this was probably when he had found out hockey wasn’t on the table anymore for him.
He rubbed at his chest as he quietly sobbed, the pain spreading over it. He wasn’t crying over his break-up, because he knew it really was a matter of time.
But the words Daniel spat at him… those hurt. Because he had seen right through him, had pulled out his fears right from the darkest corner of his brain and had laid them bare in front of him, laughing while he did so. That hurt more than a crosscheck. More than the blinding pain he had felt breaking his knee.
And while there was a part of himself that was screaming at him not to believe anything coming from that piece of shit’s mouth, the other small, fragile part whispered at him that there was a reason if Daniel had stopped loving him. And that whisper right now was louder than the screams. He hated that.
But most of all he hated how those words had managed to taint every second he had spent with Ilya so far. Every lunch break, every joke, the way Ilya had held him and kissed him… Tainted with the shadow of fear looming over him. Because, even if Ilya had basically told him he wanted more from him, plain and simple, how long was that gonna last? Right now Shane was the novelty, but soon even that novelty was gonna wear off. And after? Was Ilya going to stay after?
Right as he questioned himself, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He grabbed it, the screen lightening up his face in the dark room, a single text appearing.
Ilya:
Are you alright? Did you get home?
Shane stared at it, worrying his lips with his teeth. It hurt him leaving him there. He had run away from him once more. Ilya should hate him. Instead there he was, still asking. Still caring.
He turned off his phone before standing up with a groan, his knee protesting under his weight. He quickly took off his clothes and as soon as he was done he let himself be embraced by the softness of his bed. Some more tears spilled from his eyes, without him even noticing, and at some point he fell asleep against a wet pillow.
The next days passed by in a blur. The first day Shane told Rose he felt unwell, so he was not going to be at the shop and she had let it slide. Same the next day.
By the fourth day though, Rose knew something was wrong. Because Shane had never, ever, skipped working for so long. And more importantly, he had never spent his days rotting in bed in the dark. That one was bad, even he could see that.
So, on the sixth day, Rose barged into his room, raised the blinds and let the light inundate the room, much to Shane’s disdain, who groaned in frustration.
“Rose, what the hell…” he mumbled weakly and instead of an answer, she pulled the cover away from his body, leaving him shivering for a few seconds.
“You, Shane Hollander, are going to take a shower, have breakfast and then you’re gonna spill the beans and tell me what the fuck is going on with you.”
“I told you, I’m sick. Leave me alone.” He said, hiding his face into the pillow.
She pulled him hard by the shoulder, making him turn, resting a hand on his forehead.
“Ow Rose, fuck!”
“You’re fine. Now go.”
He sighed, rubbing his face. She could be a real pain in the ass when she wanted to.
He stretched, his knee eliciting a pained moan from him. The inactivity had taken some toll on it and it now hurt like a motherfucker. He gritted his teeth as he stood up and then tried to find the energy to do what Rose had told him.
By the time he was dressed and sitting at the kitchen table, Rose had cooked breakfast, placing some pancakes in front of him. He stared at the plate in horror.
“Rose…”
“Shut up and eat Shane, or I swear to god I’m gonna shove it down your throat.”
Shane instinctively swallowed and with a simple nod he started eating. And fuck, they were good. Had chocolate chips in them too.
She sat down in front of him, her arms crossed and the gaze of a woman who was on her last straw. She watched him eat and once he was done, he knew what was gonna happen next.
“So. What the hell happened?” She asked, without beating around the bush.
He bit down on his lips, before taking a deep breath.
“Me and Daniel broke up.”
At that she blinked in surprise, taken aback, her eyebrows shooting up.
“Okay. And we are… sad about that?” She said, threading carefully now, not sure where to stand. He just shook his head.
“Right. So, if we’re not sad about that, then why are you miserable? What’s going on, Shane?”
Fuck. He didn’t even know where to begin. He ruffled his hair nervously, a distressed moan leaving his lips.
“Me and Ilya fucked.”
He looked up at Rose and he could see that she was fighting a smile, trying not to show how elated she was at the news.
“Hmm. Good. That’s good.”
“No Rose, it’s not good. It’s the opposite of good. It’s a fucking mess.”
“Why is it a mess? You broke up with that asshole, you and Ilya fucked, which means you two definitely like each other. I don’t see how that’s a mess.”
He told her everything from the beginning. How he had started feeling something for Ilya, how Ilya treated him, how he cheated on Daniel with him and everything that happened the night of the exhibition. By the end of it Shane’s throat was hoarse from all the talking and Rose looked as if she wanted to murder Daniel in cold blood.
“I’m going to kill him.”
“You’re not going to kill him.”
“No, no, I’m going to kill him, I swear. Because how the fuck he dares speak to you like that??”
“Rose…”
“No Shane, what the fuck?! Tell me you don’t believe what that bastard said.”
He bit at the inside of his cheek and Rose stared at him like she wanted to kill him this time.
“I’m going to smack the living shit out of you.”
“Please, don’t.”
“Shane.” She stood up, walking around the table and grabbing his shoulders. He looked up and by the watery image he had of her, he realized his eyes had filled with tears once again.
“You’re the most amazing person I know. You’re so interesting, knowledgeable, smart and a fucking force of nature. You took a tragedy and turned your life around. In a year you managed to make a name for yourself, you worked hard and you can’t let that piece of shit get in your head like that. Every one of us is so lucky to have you in their lives. Whatever doomed this relationship, trust me, it’s not you.”
He smiled weakly at her, sniffling at her words. But he still couldn’t shake the idea that a certain someone might not think the same in the long run.
“What if… What if he gets tired of me, though? What if he ends up like Daniel? I already fucked it up with him Rose, I didn’t even answer his text. I just ran from him.”
She hugged him and he buried his face into her stomach as she cradled his head, running a hand through his hair in a soothing gesture.
“He won’t. Because, if what you told me it’s true, he’s nothing like Daniel and completely head over heels for you. I saw how happier you were every time I came back after a lunch break. The light in your eyes when you got a text from him. So I’m absolutely sure nothing your mind is telling you right now it’s gonna happen.”
She looked down at him with an encouraging smile, kissing his forehead.
“So get your perky little ass up and go talk to him. And fuck whatever Daniel said, because he’s a fucking idiot and he fumbled a really great and intelligent hottie.”
At those words he couldn’t help but let out a watery chuckle, running a hand over his face to wipe away the tears that had inevitably fallen.
“Thank you, Rose. I love you.”
“I love you, too. But if you close yourself off to me again, I’m going to choke you. Got it?”
“Yessir.”
“Attaboy. Now go get your man. And then come back to the shop because I’m drowning in orders and I need you back.”
He nodded, standing up, before giving her a big hug. He was so fucking lucky to have a friend like Rose, helping get some sense into him. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that probably his injury had been a blessing. Because without it, he wouldn’t have met her, nor the others.
And most of all, he wouldn’t have met Ilya. And this time he wasn’t going to run away from him.
Fifteen minutes later he was in front of his tattoo shop. He took a deep breath, trying to grasp some courage before it slipped through his fingers, and marched inside. Svetlana was there at the counter, glancing in his direction as she heard the door open, a definitely not surprised expression settling on her face.
“He just finished with a client. He’s in there.” She immediately said with a smile, pointing at one of the doors. Either Rose had told her he was coming or Ilya had spoken to her. Either way, he was very grateful he didn’t have to explain anything to her.
“Thank you, Svetlana. Oh and by the way, I’m really happy for you and Rose.”
She gave him a knowing smirk, with a little nod.
“Thank you Shane. Now get in there.”
He didn’t waste time, he had already wasted enough. He walked in front of the door, slowly opening it, not bothering with a knock.
Ilya’s back was turned from it, staring at some papers he had laid out on one of the counters surrounding the room. He stared at him, the muscles on his back visible under the tight white shirt he was wearing.
He said something in Russian, Shane catching only Svetlana’s name so he figured out Ilya probably thought it was her.
“Not Svetlana, I’m afraid.” He said and as he heard his voice, Ilya quickly turned around, his blue eyes widening at the sight of him.
“Shane.”
“Ilya, I’m so-” he didn’t even finish the sentence because with a few large strides, Ilya had reached him, wrapping his arms around Shane’s body, holding onto him tightly, as if he was scared Shane was going to disappear beneath his fingers.
“Are you alright?” He whispered softly and Shane nodded, his hands coming up to reach around his frame, resting on Ilya’s back, clutching at his shirt.
“I was worried. You never answered my texts and you weren’t at the shop. But I’m glad you’re okay.”
“I’m sorry, Ilya.” Shane’s voice came a little muffled, his face pressed against Ilya’s chest, but he didn’t want to pull away just yet. He wanted to enjoy the warmth coming from the man in his arms, just a little longer. “I’m sorry it took me this long.”
“Hush. It’s fine. I am sorry. For not punching that piece of shit in the face.”
Shane chuckled at that, finally moving just enough so he could look at the other.
“He’s not worth it.”
“No. But you are.” As soon as Ilya said that, Shane felt his throat close up, a giant lump forming in his throat and he tried to swallow past that, because he had had enough of crying.
“He, um… he said some things to me. And I know they aren’t true, but- He got in my head, I think.”
“What did he say?”
Shane stared down at the floor. He was ashamed of even saying that stuff out loud, but he needed to. He needed to be sure.
“He said you’re soon gonna realize there’s not much to me. That you’re gonna get tired, eventually, just like he did. That there’s nothing interesting enough about me for you to stay.”
He waited for a beat, silence filling the room. He feared looking up, his eyes firmly fixed on his hands, now clammy. He waited for Ilya to say something, but the more he waited, the more deafening was the silence.
So he glanced up and his heart clenched. Ilya looked murderous, his jaw clenched so hard Shane was sure it was painful.
“Ilya…” Shane touched his arm and Ilya’s shoulders sagged a little, seemingly relaxing, just enough to speak.
“I’m angry, Shane. Not at you, never at you. But I’m angry, because he made you believe such fucking bullshit and you have to know- no, you must know, not a single word is true.”
“I-”
“No, listen. To me, you’re the most incredible person I ever met. And not ever, not even for one second, I could get tired of you.” he let out a sigh, before taking Shane’s hands into his.
“I never had a relationship. I suck at those. But one thing that surprised me when I got to know you, was how much I wanted to be in one with you. And it pissed me off how you were in one with that bastard instead. I wanted to strangle him because he could not see how amazing the person beside him was.”
Shane felt himself holding his breath, his heart hammering in his chest now, trying with all his might not to jump immediately into Ilya’s arms, choosing to let him finish instead.
“So knowing he said stuff like that, hurting you, makes me want to scream. Well, not scream really, but if I did what I really wanted to do, I’d end up in prison.”
“Yeah, that would be a problem. But I’m sure we could get conjugal visits.” Shane tried to joke, and that made Ilya crack a smile.
“I’m afraid I’ve fallen in love with you, Hollander. And unfortunately for you, you’re now stuck with me.”
Shane stared at him for a long second, just enough so that he could let his brain catch up with what he had just heard, before kissing him softly, one hand carding through those beautiful curls, the other cupping his jaw.
“Then I’d say I’m very lucky, Rozanov. I really like the idea of being stuck with you.”
Ilya grinned, wrapping his arms around Shane and pulling him close again, their lips pressed together once more.
And for once Shane didn’t feel the need to run. He was exactly where he wanted to be. And he planned on being there for a long time.
*****
“Thank you! Come again!” Shane smiled as he watched another client walk out of the shop. St. Valentine's day was probably the busiest period of the year. It was just one day, and yet the amount of work was enormous.
A year ago he probably would have dreaded this day. Not because he didn’t enjoy it -actually, the idea of people coming in, asking for something special for their loved ones filled him with joy-, but because he wasn’t sure whether the person he was with spent it with him out of obligation or out of genuine desire.
This time, though, he didn’t have to wonder.
He glanced at the clock, nervously tapping his foot. 12:50. Almost lunch break.
“If you want to go, you can Shane. I think I can manage on my own.” Rose grinned, teasing him.
“But it’s not time yet, and-”
“Shane. Go.”
He couldn’t stop the smile spreading on his face. He quickly untied his apron, throwing it on the counter, before walking out of the shop, his heart thumping a little in his chest. It took only just a few steps, before he made his way into the tattoo parlor.
He found Ilya already there at the counter, waiting for him. He beamed as his eyes landed on Shane, hastily moving around until he had an armful of him, their lips meeting halfway.
“Happy St. Valentine’s day.” Ilya murmured and Shane laughed, shaking his head.
“You already said that this morning.”
“And I’ll keep saying it until the end of the day.”
“Svetlana was right, you are actually a big softie.”
“Hmm, don’t tell people. It’s going to destroy my image as a devilish rebel.”
Shane laughed again, cupping Ilya’s face so he could kiss him softly once more. Just a year ago he didn’t know it was possible to love someone that much, and to be loved just as much in return. And yet with Ilya he had found out how incredible it was to have someone by his side who actually cared for and about him.
“You’re ready?” Ilya whispered against his lips and Shane took a deep breath before giving the other a firm nod.
“Alright then, come with me.”
Their fingers interlaced as Shane followed Ilya in one of the rooms of the shop.
“Sit, I’ll get things ready.” Ilya said and Shane looked around, feeling slightly nervous. He did as he said, sitting down on one of the leather chairs there and moved so his wrist was propped up on an armrest.
“You sure about this?” Ilya said after a while, sitting right in front of him, disinfecting the skin of his wrist.
“Mh-hm.” Shane only replied, visibly nervous and Ilya looked up at him.
“It’s going to be fine, it’s not gonna hurt. But you’re still in time if you wanna back out.” His tone was calm and reassuring, making Shane’s heart melt a little.
“No, I want to do it, it’s just- I don’t want you to think I’m doing it to match yours. I know what it means to you.” Shane replied meekly and Ilya smiled.
“I don’t think that Shane. Look, it has its own meaning for you, right? We discussed this. And it’s not like people can’t have similar tattoos. You have your own reasons for wanting this.”
“But-”
“Stop thinking, solnyshko. And stop trembling, or this is gonna be complicated.” He chuckled, as he applied the stencil.
Shane sighed, mumbling a ‘fine’ as he watched Ilya work. He was a different person as he worked. Shane had learned there were many sides to Ilya. He could be incredibly romantic and sweet to the point of being toothrotting, he could be domineering and an absolute sex freak in bed -and Shane discovered that he could be just as freaky-, he could be an absolute menace and incredibly funny but most of all he could be meticulous and serious when it came to his job.
And right now that’s the version Shane had in front of him, only this time he was observing it first hand.
As soon as the needle hit his skin, Shane hissed a little, doing his best not to jump in surprise at the sudden pain. Ilya was firmly holding down his wrist, focused on the job and Shane, trying to focus on anything else but his skin being pierced, chose to look at his boyfriend’s face.
He was beautiful: he had a concentrated expression, his eyes locked on following the pattern of the stencil as he worked the tattoo gun. There was a small line between his eyebrows, where they were knit together, a rebel curl falling over them. He wished he could touch his hair right now, run his fingers through them.
“You alright? Does it hurt?” Ilya suddenly said, probably feeling Shane’s gaze on him.
Shane shook his head, his heart full, as he kept watching him quietly.
It took a couple of hours and by the end of it Shane was looking at his tattoo with pride. It was small, resting on his inner wrist: a white lily. It was a simple design, not as elaborate as Ilya's, but it was still beautiful.
“You like it?” Ilya asked as he cleaned everything up and Shane couldn’t take his eyes off it, staring at it in awe.
“It’s incredible, Ilya.”
Shane always got so much praise for his art, but honestly, Ilya deserved it just as much, if more. It’s true, what they did was vastly different, but Shane sometimes forgot what a true artist the man was. And now he had a reminder of it on his skin.
“I have no words for it, I love it. It’s amazing. You are amazing.”
Ilya simply chuckled, finally taking off his gloves before walking over to Shane, pressing his lips against his.
“I’m glad you like your gift.”
Shane stood up, throwing his arms around the other’s neck, careful not to hurt his newly tattooed wrist, and pulled him closer so he could kiss him properly, his tongue sliding into Ilya’s mouth. The man growled at that and it sent a shiver down his spine.
He broke the kiss, their lips still brushing together.
“I have a gift for you too. But I’m afraid you’ll have to wait until tonight.” Shane purred and this time it was Ilya’s turn to shiver in excitement, his eyes going dark.
“What if I want it now?”
Shane smirked, kissing him again. “I have to go back to work, and you should as well.”
“Fine. But as soon as your day is over, I’m dragging you back home with me.”
“Gladly.”
Ilya wrapped his arms around Shane’s body, bringing him even closer, their mouths meeting again for another kiss, sweeter this time, less hungry and kisses like that never failed to make Shane melt.
“I love you.” Ilya whispered against his lips and Shane stared at him, wishing he could just look at him forever.
“I love you, too.”
And right there in his arms, with the freshly-made tattoo still prickling at his skin, he really felt reborn once again.
