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Sirius is walking down a dark hallway, there’s a boy dressed in a white dress shirt, black trousers, and a vest that screams “I’m rich and I’m a Black.”
It’s him.
“Are you gonna leave?” A young boy’s voice asks from behind him.
Sirius turns around to see a younger boy, dressed the same but with shorter hair, a 6 year old Reggie.
“Not for long, I’m just going to Uncle Cagnus’s house for a few days. You’ll see me soon, I promise.” His younger self says that, assuring Reggie immediately. It was instinct back then. Still is.
Suddenly he’s spinning, and he sees himself kneeling down to Reggie, his legs are covered in cuts and bruises from their mother, but he doesn’t let Reggie see. “I’m fine, sorry I yelled, I just saw something scary.”
7 Year old Reggie doesn’t know that the screams were of pain, but 9 year old Sirius won’t be revealing that any time soon. “Are you okay though? I’m sorry I broke the vase, I know it’s expensive.” His voice is so innocent, and Sirius almost feels bad for lying. “Of course I’m okay, and the vase isn’t that important, there’s more in the world.” He won’t be telling his brother that he broke an heirloom worth thousands of dollars.
Another spin, another scene.
8 year old Reggie finds Sirius in the bathroom with a bad cut on his arm, it’s messy and he’s too lightheaded to clean it up well. “What happened?” Reggie rushed to help, and his poor younger brother doesn’t understand yet what’s been happening for years.
9 Year old Sirius lets Reggie clean him up. He’s not very good at it, but he’ll get practice over the next few years. “I’m fine Reggie.”
“Was it Mother?” Sirius tries to cut him off, but his brother’s been having suspicions for years. “You were fine, then you were in a room with her and now you’re not!” Sirius tries to calm him down but he’s already too far. “I’m sorry for talking during dinner, it won’t happen again!” His brother was already crying.
“No, it’s okay, I’m fine Reggie, I promise.”
He knows it’s all a lie. He's spinning again.
“How long are you gonna be gone this time?” 9 Year old Reggie asks 11 year old Sirius.
“Only for a few months, I’ll be back though, over fall break. When I get back though, we’ll have a sleepover in my room. I’ll let you in if you knock.” Sirius gives a kiss to Reggie’s forehead, then leaves with his bags.
He doesn’t come back over Fall break.
Not over Winter either.
By Spring break Reggie doesn’t even expect him.
At the end of the school year, he arrives back at home. Before he even sees his brother, he gets the worst beating of his life. He wasn’t sorted into the right house, and the “Black family name” wasn’t supposed to be “tarnished” by someone in Gryffindor.
It’s past 1 am when he drags himself back up the stairs. He closes the door and passes out. He doesn’t hear that Reggie knocks.
Of course, older Sirius watches as his aged-down younger brother knocks on the door. At the time he’d forgotten about his promise, and he forgets about it until-
He spins again and lands next to a 12 year old Sirius Black, the night before he’s going to leave again. He’s standing outside of his brother’s door. They hadn’t spoken a word all summer.
“Reggie?”
Finally, he’s let in.
“Please keep your voice down, I’m trying to sleep.” His voice was already so posh, even when he was 11.
“Please let me in, Reggie-” He was cut off by a sharp “Don’t call me that!” It was the first time of many where Regulus would refuse to be Reggie anymore.
“Why?” His younger self was so hurt by that, it’s almost painful to hear.
The door opens a bit more, and Regulus lets him in. “You didn’t come back, why?” There’s a shake in his voice still, this was before Regulus fully mastered the apathy he uses now.
“I couldn’t! Reggi-” A sharp glare- “Regulus, I can’t come back here all the time, you’ll see tomorrow, we’ll be in Gryffindor and you’ll meet my friends and we won’t come back here. There’s no beatings there and we’re treated very well.
“I’m not going to Gryffindor! Sirius, I can’t be in Gryffindor Mother would kill me!” “Oh please, they wouldn’t touch a hair on your perfect head.” Younger Sirius scoffs, not knowing what’s about to happen. He never wants to see this part, but the bad thing about this dream is, he can’t take his eyes off it.
“Is that what you think? I’m the perfect child that they’ve always wanted?” “Well you are, aren’t you? I’ve done so much for you, you can’t honestly want to go to Slytherin!” Regulus raises his hands, the dramatic git, and says “You haven’t done a thing for me, and I have to go to Slytherin!”
Unfortunately for Regulus, Sirius has his eye on something. “What’s that?” Regulus quickly puts down his arms and covers them with his sleeve again, his face slips into a cold, apathetic one that Sirius will learn to expect. Not yet, though.
“No, Regulus, what was that?”
He shoves the younger Sirius out of his room and all the older Sirius can do is watch. Knows what happens, and he doesn’t want to see it, of course. But there’s nothing he can do.
“Sirius, leave my room, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He’s not a good liar yet.
“Regulus!”
Regulus stops, there’s tears in his eyes but by this time he’s learned to mask them.
“Regulus, I know what I saw, let me help you.”
Regulus closes his eyes and, with a pained face, lets his older brother back inside. “Please don’t make it a big deal.” He pulls back his robes and Sirius can only watch as his younger self shrivels up on the inside. On his younger brother’s arm, there’s little white lines that he knows his brother did to himself.
“Do you have any recent ones?” He looks up to find his younger brother crying. It’s silent tears, the kind that you get from not wanting to be heard.
His brother looks down, and Sirius has the urge to just wrap them both in a big hug, they’re both so broken at that moment.
“On my shoulder.” It’s almost a whisper, but Sirius hears it. His younger version carefully takes off Regulus's robe, and he sees it’s still bleeding.
“Is that from…” His younger self doesn’t have the courage to ask if it was today. They both know it was though. Regulus nods to his question, and Sirius, both of them, feel a tear sliding down his cheek.
The younger Sirius focuses though, and he cleans up his younger brother’s wounds with all the care he can put into his actions. When he finishes, he leaves with the parting words “If it happens again, I don’t even care when, come get me.”
The world spins again.
Now he’s just outside the Gryffindor Common Room, the Fat Lady watching silently as he embraces his brother. He’d been woken up with a little zap, he doesn’t even know how but he knows the Fat Lady, guardian of the Gryffindors, wanted him. He’d crept down the stairs in the middle of the night, and when he came out he saw a frail looking Regulus on the ground. It was just after Winter Break, and Regulus had returned home while Sirius stayed.
When he saw Regulus he’d rushed to him, knowing what had probably happened. “Reggie, let me help.”
His brother let him clean his wounds, and Sirius walked him back to the dungeons. “I’ll always be here for you, please know that.”
He does end up knowing that, at least for a bit. Regulus would come to Sirius whenever he needed help. It was something unspoken, when Regulus needed help, he’d go to Sirius, and Sirius would help. Every time.
The stone spins around before he can watch the part where Sirius cries all the way back to his tower. The Fat Lady was always nicer after that night.
He lands in the Great Hall, and from the looks of himself he’s in third year, about 13. He’s joking with James and Peter, but by the looks of Remus and the way everyone in their group is a bit on edge, it’s a full moon tonight.
Older Sirius knows what happens now.
Older Sirius is scared for today.
Older Sirius can’t warn anyone.
That’s the trouble with nightmares.
After breakfast, Sirius follows the Marauders as they go down to their first class, potions, which conveniently is in the dungeons. Today, Regulus had forgotten his bag, and needed to go down to his room to grab it. He’s only in second year and they’d been so cruel.
“Baby Black, I saw you get a letter, perhaps from your dearest Mother?” James taunts Regulus. It’s unprovoked, but Sirius had had a habit of badmouthing the Black Family, including his brother in those years.
Regulus had tried to just pass them, but it didn’t work.
James pulls his robes, “Aren’t you gonna talk to me? Or are you afraid of the Gryffindors?” Some students also going to Potions giggle at that, they're all ready for a James Potter prank. And James really can’t say no to crowds.
“I’m not afraid of Gryffindors, just trying to get my bag.” Regulus says this with his head down, his shoulders are shrugged down, which Sirius should’ve noticed, but didn’t. At least not in time.
James grabs him by the shoulders and turns him around, which Regulus flinched at. If Sirius had been paying more attention, he maybe would’ve noticed, but he was a bit preoccupied with some of the others laughing. He didn’t care.
“Forgot your bag, did you? Well if you want you can have mine, just carry mine around all day like an elf, it’d be nice to have my own personal servant.” Regulus stayed quiet, but of course James couldn’t have that. “Of course you know all about house elf servants, I heard you’re friends with yours. Must be lonely being a miserable Slytherin all day, having your brother outshine you.”
At the mention of “your brother,” Regulus had looked to Sirius. If he’d been paying attention at the time, maybe he’d have considered the pleading and betrayal in his brother’s eyes. His eyes said “Brother, please.” Regardless, the third year Sirius looked down on him, ignoring his brother.
“Just let me go Potter, I’m -” He suddenly went silent, that’s when (younger) Sirius realised James had put a silencing charm on him. If he’d thought about it a little longer, maybe he’d have noticed the terror in Regulus’s eyes. Maybe he’d have thought about the countless times his own Mother had put that charm on him, and realised that she’d done the same to Regulus.
Then the Potions doors opened, and they walked into class. Some people still snickering about Regulus. By lunch, he’d forgotten about it. Sirius didn’t find it unusual in the slightest that Regulus had skipped lunch, he did it often enough that it was just “one of the things he does.” There was never any thought that he might be cutting himself in his dorm room, crying because he couldn’t say anything.
He knows now that that night, Regulus had come back to the Gryffindor Common Room, and whispered to the Fat Lady.
He knows now that Sirius was outside, as Padfoot, playing with Prongs, Moony, and Wormtail.
He knows now that Regulus would never come to Sirius for help again. His trust was fragile, and Sirius had broken it.
The world blurs as tears come to his eyes, and when the world comes into focus, he knows exactly what’s gonna happen.
He arrives back in Grimmlaud Place, he’s already in front of the fireplace, holding Floo powder in his hand when-
“Sirius?” Regulus asks in a small voice.
“Regulus!” His voice doesn’t do well to mask his surprise. The Sirius in this moment just about had a heart attack, and Regulus could tell.
“Where are you going?” Regulus’s voice wobbles, and Sirius, as he was in this time, responds cruelly.
“Anywhere I can get away from you, and this horrid family you align yourself with. I’m going to James’s house, don’t wait up.” With that, he tosses his Floo powder into the Fire and says “Potter Manor,” loud enough for the whole house to hear.
Maybe if he’d known better he wouldn’t have done that, because after that his parents go to the living room to find Regulus staring at the fireplace. They’ll lock him in his room for a few days, then forget about him for a few more days, only letting him out when they remember him in another week.
Spinning again.
Regulus is up on the astronomy tower, he’s sitting on the railing, feet dangling on the edge. It was Sirius’s 7th year, Regulus’s 6th, when they met up here. Sirius had just come from the infirmary with Remus, he’d been sneaking back to the Common room when he heard steps from the tower.
Usually he’d shake it off, it was common for couples to go up there and do… things.
But not this time.
Growing up in Grimmlaud Place, you learn the footsteps of everyone there. Sirius recognised Regulus.
His younger self hesitated, and went up the steps, following his younger brother under the invisibility cloak.
He watches his younger self’s breath catch when Regulus climbs onto the railing. Regulus’s face is serene, almost melancholy. One could say that he’s peaceful. Naturally, he had to interrupt.
“Regulus?” He said, taking off the cloak.
Regulus looked so spooked he almost fell off. Changing his face into the apathetic look that he’d perfected by now, Regulus said “Sirius.” Only, his voice wasn’t like his face. He wasn’t trying to, but it betrayed a scared boy, more scared then just being surprised, the voice of someone caught doing something bad.
“What are you doing up here?” Said Sirius.
“What do you think?” Regulus said, bluntly.
“I think you know what I think.” Regulus paused there, but said “what do you think?”
Sirius’s face broke, it really was quite sad, looking at it. “I think you’re up here to fall down there.” Older Sirius knows he’s right.
Regulus, knowing he was caught, just sighed. “You know we fought just this morning, right?” Sirius nodded, so Regulus went on with the voice of someone who really just seemed so tired. “You said, and I quote, ‘You really are Mother’s prized child, you’ll grow up, get a pureblood wife, make pureblood children, and force those children to have pureblood grandchildren.’” His eyes welled up with tears, and Sirius saw his past face become so confused. They had arguments so often that he figured Regulus didn’t take any of his words too hard anymore.
“I know you’re right.” Regulus said with a tear going down his cheek.
“I have no future.” And that’s what broke his heart.
Sirius, both of them, took a step towards their brother, and Sirius wrapped him in a hug. One only a big brother can give.
“You can make yourself a future,” he whispered to his younger brother.
Regulus sobbed in his arms, he got off the railing and sunk into his brother’s embrace. Both of the Siriuses started crying. He got so close to losing his brother that night. He hates to think about it.
If that hadn’t happened, Regulus wouldn’t have escaped to the Potter Manor, where his best friend would fall in love with his brother. He wouldn’t have gotten completely clean. Regulus wouldn’t have seen the wonders of being Potter’s boyfriend, then husband. Harry wouldn’t have been born, and Sirius can’t imagine all that.
In that moment, though, Sirius watches himself and his brother hug, they cry, laugh, and eventually talk it out.