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There is paper all over Stede’s living room carpet.
There’s paper on his sofa and on his coffee table and he’s sure he had a footstool but that seems to have been buried in paper as well. Everywhere Stede looks, there’s paper.
The room is not enormous, certainly not when compared to his former living room in the house he’d shared with Mary, but it’s adequate for a living room. It’s snug. Cosy. Even so, it’s a large enough space that it would require a significant amount of paper to cover it.
It would be fair to assume this paper is perhaps a ream of printer paper gone awry, the result of a calamitous accident. Perhaps someone had tripped over the edge of the rug while carrying paper to the printer. Maybe a cat had got inside and lost its mind over a pile of paper. Both would be plausible explanations, except this isn’t printer paper.
This paper is all different colours and sizes, some plain, some lined, some with typed words on, some torn or crumpled. There are envelopes and tags and pages from old books and sheet music and artwork. If it’s made of paper, there’s a good chance it’s currently in Stede’s living room.
He stands in the doorway, cup of tea steaming away in one hand, mouth slightly ajar, looking at the papery mayhem in his home.
Right in the middle of the chaos, in a little clear patch on the carpet, sits Stede’s daughter, Alma. She’s sitting in that position that always makes Stede’s knees hurt in sympathy, on the floor with her knees bent out to each side like a frog. He and Mary have begged her not to sit like that lest she end up with middle-aged knees in her teens, but Alma is nine years old and as such she knows better than any adults who try to give her advice.
The kids have been staying with him every other weekend and the occasional weekday since he moved out of the family home. It has been a journey for them all.
Since they came into the world, Stede never knew how to just be with the kids. His parents had never spent time with him so he didn’t really know it was a thing you could do.
Little Stede had spent his early years with a succession of nannies learning to speak only when spoken to. As he grew and the final departing nanny had not been replaced, he was largely left to his own devices and spent much of his time in his room reading.
Mother and Father Bonnet never took him anywhere he might have liked to go. Never took him to the zoo or on walks or heaven forbid, play dates with other children. Other kids at school talked about doing those things so Stede knew they were part of most people’s childhoods, just not his.
Mary would often arrange days out for their children which Stede would sometimes attend but he always felt awkward, on the periphery of things. He didn’t know how to just enjoy spending time together as a family.
When he split up with Mary, Stede did what he thought was the right thing for a proper dad to do. He planned activity after activity for the whole of the first weekend the kids came to him. Everything was plotted out meticulously from the time Stede picked them up from school on the Friday to the moment he dropped them off at Mary’s house on Sunday evening.
The kids had loved it. Been so excited the whole time, kept running to Stede to show him cool things in the museum or the park. They’d been happy and excited the entire weekend. They were exhausted by the time they got back to Mary’s house and Stede felt pretty damn good about this whole “being a father” thing.
The second visit wasn’t quite so easy. It was harder to plan a whole weekend of activities when they’d done so many the time before. But after much thought and hours of searching on the internet, Stede managed to plan a second weekend of unique activities. He was particularly proud of finding a nice looking ice cream parlour that was only ten minutes away from an ice rink for skating.
By the end of Saturday, the kids were tired and squabbling. Louis refused to play the board game Stede had planned for them before bed, and Alma ended up screaming at Stede and slamming her bedroom door and not coming out again until the next morning.
Both children had sullenly and sulkily wandered around the dinosaur park the next day, and Stede had bought them both whatever they’d wanted in the gift shop to try to smooth things over. It hadn’t really worked.
“I don’t know what went wrong, Mary,” Stede had said when he dropped them back home after his weekend had finished. He was sitting in her kitchen and both kids had disappeared to their rooms the moment they’d got back to the house.
Mary handed him a cup of tea. “They’re tired. Sounds like you wore them out! You packed a lot into one weekend again.”
“I’m just trying to make sure they have a good time.”
“Do you think maybe you’re trying a little too hard?”
Stede sipped his tea. “Trying too hard? Is that a thing?”
“Of course it’s a thing.” She patted his arm. “You’re a good dad, Stede. You don’t need to entertain them all the time, you just need to spend time with them.”
Stede could not comprehend that Mary might be right. Spending time with his kids couldn’t possibly be enough. He was a terrible father who had barely been part of their lives before and he had to make that up to them now. So he stubbornly planned another full itinerary for their next visit.
He picked them up from school, took them out for dinner, got them home where they both sat on the sofa with their arms folded refusing to even speak to him while he got out the 500 piece jigsaw of cats that he was planning for them to do.
“Kids? What’s wrong? Don’t you like the jigsaw? I’ve got others we can choose from! Why don’t we have a look, eh?”
Alma tutted and then Louis tutted in imitation. They both glared at Stede.
“I could make us some hot chocolate to have while we’re doing it?” Stede suggested. Louis’s face lit up and he was about to shout out when Alma swiped his arm and glowered at him. He frowned, looked suitably chastened, then sat back again and refolded his arms. He resumed glaring at Stede.
“We’re not doing the stupid jigsaw, Dad,” Alma said, folding her arms tighter as she did so to make her point.
Stede looked between the two cross little faces frowning up at him. He took a deep sigh and on the exhale he let himself flop into his armchair. “What do you want then?”
“Louis is going to play on his Switch and I’m going to draw,” Alma explained. “And then we’re going to have dinner and then we’ll play and draw until we’re sleepy because we don’t have a bedtime on Fridays–”
“What about–”
“I haven’t finished! Then we’ll go to bed and you can tuck us in. That’s what we want.”
So Alma and Louis had spent the afternoon doing their own things in the living room while Stede hovered around not really knowing what to do with himself. He felt awkward just sitting in his armchair and watching the kids, and he felt like he was wasting the time he had with them when he went into the kitchen to prepare dinner on his own - he had planned for them to make dinner all together.
The kids did agree to eat at the table and it was awkward and stilted as Stede tried to make conversation with them. Alma glared at him whenever he asked a question she didn’t want to answer.
After dinner Louis picked up his Switch again and Alma sat and drew in her sketch book and Stede lingered around wondering what he should do to make sure the kids were having a good time.
Eventually Alma lifted her head from her pad and sighed loudly while simultaneously doing the biggest eye roll Stede had ever seen. “For goodness sake,” she said, sounding so much like Mary that Stede had to do a double take. “Just get a book or something and sit down!” She flicked her hair back and resumed her drawing.
Stede blinked and then picked up his book from the coffee table and settled into his armchair. He began to read, not really able to pay attention to it. He looked at Louis, happily playing on his console, and Alma, drawing whatever she was drawing.
Maybe Mary was right. Maybe they didn’t need him to be entertaining them all the while. Maybe he was trying too hard. Because actually, it was really nice to see them just being content, and to be in their company for that.
He breathed a sigh of relief and went back to his book.
“Yes!” hissed Louis and then explained how he had finally beaten a boss.
“Ta da!” said Alma as she held out her finished drawing of a unicorn and then told Stede how she was going to colour it.
“Ooh, listen to this,” said Stede and he read out a funny scene in his book that made both kids laugh.
They spent the evening together but all doing their own thing and Stede thought it might be the nicest evening he’d spent with them that he could remember, until Alma closed her sketch book and placed her things on the coffee table. She slid off the sofa and padded over to Stede’s armchair, then climbed on, slotting herself in between Stede and the arm of the chair, snuggling into his side.
Stede tried not to let out a gasp as he put his arm around her and placed a kiss on the top of her head. She’d done this with Mary ever since she was tiny, but she’d only ever done it a couple of times with Stede. He had assumed that it would never happen again, especially as she was getting older.
From across the room, Louis let out a loud yawn and Stede stifled a laugh.
“Perhaps it’s time for bed,” he said to groans from both kids.
Louis turned off his Switch and placed it into the dock and then he came over to Stede’s armchair too. He climbed onto Stede’s lap and wrapped his arms around Stede’s neck.
Stede dropped his book and put his arm around Louis and the Bonnet Family (Dad Edition) sat cuddled up in Stede’s favourite armchair while Stede himself did his best to hold back his tears.
Helooked at the clock and was surprised at how late it was getting.
The kids really ought to be in bed. But he’d let them stay up for a while longer.
That day had been a bit of a breakthrough for Stede and his relationship with his kids, and since then he’d tried to balance entertaining them with allowing them to do their own thing. There were still squabbles and disagreements like the time Louis hit Alma over the head with his mini paint palette which had broken and he’d cried and blamed her for breaking it.
When Stede told Mary about “the incident” and how he’d failed as a parent, she’d told him that a few days before, Alma had let rip at Louis when she’d discovered the horrible smell that had kept her awake the night before was caused by a pair of Doug’s socks that Louis had hidden in her pillow case.
Stede had burst out laughing and Mary had laughed too and they’d had maybe their first proper conversation about being parents of their two kids.
As enlightening as that had been though, nothing had prepared Stede for the sight of his living room buried under a tonne of paper.
“Alma, what’s—”
“Don’t come any further!” Alma yells when she turns to see her dad about to enter the room.
Stede raises his eyebrows and holds his free hand in the air in submission, the other clutching his cup of tea. It reminds him of when he’d come home late from work and Mary would tell him not to come into her art studio where she was working. Alma definitely took after her mother.
“I was just going to ask what you’re up to,” Stede says. “That’s quite a lot of paper. Do you need a hand to get it into the recycling?”
Alma gasps, and if Stede didn’t know better, he’d think she somehow took after Lucius too. “No! It’s not for the recycling, Dad! This is my junk. You can come in, but you’ll have to sit there.” She gestures at the armchair behind her, one tiny refuge that had somehow managed to remain paper-free. “But do not step on anything.”
She watches him eagle-eyed as he gingerly tip-toes between heaps of paper to make his way across the room to his armchair while holding his cup of tea out in front of him so none spills onto Alma’s precious “junk.”
Once he arrives at his destination and sits down, Alma turns back to whatever it is she’s doing and carries on.
“So…” Stede says. “What is it you’re actually doing?”
Alma doesn’t stop what she’s doing, which currently is tearing some coloured paper into smaller pieces. “I’m junk journaling,” she says, as if Stede is a complete moron for not knowing.
“Okay,” he says, wondering if he should google it rather than face his daughter’s scorn if he asks more questions. He takes a deep breath and like a lamb to the slaughter, asks, “And what exactly is junk journaling?”
Alma is surprisingly gentle with him. “It’s when you use bits of scrap paper and stuff to make a journal.” She holds up a piece of pink ribbon and smooths it out. Stede watches her lay it in various configurations on her page until she finds the one she likes and then she glues it down.
Stede knows he should be encouraging his daughter with her creative pursuits, even if he still doesn’t really understand what it is. “It looks like an interesting thing to do,” he says lamely.
“It’s fun,” Alma replies. “I like doing arty things.”
“Yes, you are very artistic.”
“Mrs Shaw says I’m artistic. She likes my drawings.”
“I bet she does. So what will you do with the journal when you’ve finished making it?”
She shrugs. “Dunno yet. Might put stickers in it.”
Stede nods in an attempt to convince himself he understands it. He’s never been particularly arty so he’s glad at least one of his kids inherited Mary’s talents.
“Where did you get all this stuff?” he asks.
She shrugs again. She’s arranging some lacy paper circle things onto her page but hasn’t found a configuration she likes. “Just stuff I collected up. Doug’s mum gave me some. So did Auntie Evelyn.”
“I like that one you’ve got there. Reminds me of the doilies my mother used to have on the sideboard.”
Alma looks up at him with a frown. “What’s a doily?”
Stede smiles, not disappointed that the youth of today don’t know what a doily is. “Something old people used to have. I don’t really know what they were for.”
Alma continues working.
“That’s nice as well,” Stede says, pointing to a piece of teal card faintly patterned with lines of a paler teal.
Alma reaches over to the card he’s indicating, pulls it free from the stack of supplies and passes it to him. She looks at him thoughtfully and then says, “Do you wanna make one?”
“Oh, uh…” Stede is an avid consumer of other people’s creative endeavours, but he is absolutely not up to the task of creating something himself. “I don’t think so. What if I do it wrong?”
Alma stops what she’s doing and looks up at him with a frankly impressive condescending look. “Dad. You can’t do art wrong.” She pushes aside a heap of paper and other ephemera from next to her and then pats the space she’s made on the carpet. “Sit here.”
“Oh, I’m a bit old to be getting down on the floor, sweetheart. My knees might…” He trails off when he sees how she’s looking at him. “All right. Just for a few minutes.” He slides himself off the armchair with a groan, making a silent promise to himself to actually watch that pilates DVD he bought months ago.
“So what do I do?” he asks.
Alma finds a large piece of thick off-white paper and lays it in front of Stede. “Find some bits you like and stick them on there.”
Stede takes the piece of striped teal card he liked and lays it on his page. He squints at it and tilts his head, but no matter how he looks at it, it’s just a piece of card. He sighs. “I don’t think I can do it,” he says.
“Course you can. You’ve gotta put loads of stuff on. You can use some of my things. But not my best stuff so check with me before you use anything. Have you got any bits of junk paper you could put in it?”
Stede is about to say no, he doesn’t hoard scrap bits of paper, when he stops himself. He does have something. Something he’d been hanging onto for ages because it was too nice to throw away but that he very much didn’t have a use for.
“Oh, I think I do! Hang on!” He clambers to his feet, trying to channel that unwatched pilates DVD, and heads off to the kitchen.
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“I’m just fucking sick of it, you know? I’ve worked my arse off for decades and now that little shit head thinks he gets a say in what I do just because he manages the staff. Do you know he said ‘Blackbeard would be nothing without me,’ like he thinks he was there at the beginning! Five fucking years he’s been working for me, and he thinks I’d be nothing without him? Rice Krispies?”
Ed held up the box of cereal and Stede took it from him, scanned it, and packed it neatly into his bag in their trolley.
“You’ve tried talking to him about his attitude I assume?” Stede asked.
Ed snorted. “He’s not really the kind of guy you can talk to about stuff like that. It’s his way or no way, and anyone who thinks differently to him is ‘wrong.’”
Stede hummed thoughtfully as Ed contemplated the cereal boxes on the shelves, both hands on his hips. “Frosties or Honey Cheerios?”
“You had Cheerios last week if that makes any difference.”
“Frosties it is, then. Cheers, mate.”
Ed grabbed a box, pulled his scanner from his jeans pocket, scanned the barcode and then handed the box to Stede. Stede stepped around the trolley and tucked the Frosties carefully into one of Ed’s Bags for Life.
They resumed their slow meander down the cereal aisle.
“Have you ever considered retirement?” Stede said as they rounded the end of the aisle.
Ed stopped to peruse the end of aisle display of fidget toys, picking up various items before settling on a tub of pink slime. He scanned it and tossed it to Stede who caught it deftly and popped it into one of Ed’s bags.
“Oh, I bet Louis would love this,” Ed said and handed Stede a squishy little toy on a key chain with an ugly face.
“Oh yes, that’s right up his alley.” Stede scanned and bagged the toy wondering how even the kids themselves could never convince him to buy them the amount of stuff Ed did.
“What about Alma? Anything here she’d like?”
“Not really her thing. Maybe we could have a look in the stationary aisle though.”
Ed turned to look at him. “Oh yeah? A cool notebook or something?”
“I’m sure she’d love that.”
“Cool. Yeah, let’s have a look. Oh, and I might get some of those erasable pens.”
“What do you need those for?”
Ed shrugged. “Nothing in particular. Just think they’re cool.”
Stede smiled as he watched Ed dart off to look at something on the shelf that had caught his attention.
This was the fifth time they’d come to the supermarket together to do their respective weekly food shops and they’d got themselves into a good rhythm. It worked so well. They both had Tuesdays off work and over the last few months they’d started spending more and more of their time together, and now they spent every Tuesday with each other.
Their routine went like this: Stede picks Ed up at 9am. They go to the supermarket where they get a coffee in the cafe and have a catch up and then they do their shopping. Stede drives them back to Ed’s house to unpack his groceries, and then to Stede’s where they do the same. Then they go out somewhere fun. If it’s a nice day they might go for a walk at a local park. Sometimes it’s a museum or a gallery, a zoo or an aquarium. Sometimes sight-seeing in an interesting town.
Then lunch, usually out somewhere.
After that it’s back to one of their houses for a movie, or if they can’t settle on a movie, sometimes Stede will read and Ed will draw or whatever other hobby he’s into at that moment. A few hours of parallel play.
One of them will cook dinner and then they’ll settle in for the evening to watch a TV show together. Increasingly, the night ends with the visitor staying over in the spare room because it means they get to spend an extra little bit of time together, with the added bonus of a shared breakfast in the morning.
Ed returned to the trolley with three packets of ramen noodles in his hand which he passed to Stede. Stede was just about to pack them when Ed snatched them back.
“Oop, forgot to scan.” He scanned them and handed them back. Then he frowned. “Retirement?”
Stede bit back a giggle as he packed the noodles. He loved how Ed’s brain flitted around all over the place, especially in a busy environment like the supermarket. He knew it must be overwhelming for him (it was pretty overwhelming for Stede) but with Stede making sure Ed got everything that was on his list and packing everything carefully for him, Ed could just let himself go with the flow and follow wherever his attention led him. Stede loved to see it.
“Yeah,” Stede said. He moved his trolley out of the way of a passing elderly lady. “You should look into it. You’ve worked hard enough for long enough that you deserve a break.”
“A permanent break?”
Stede shrugged. “If you can manage it.”
“Probably could. I can do anything.”
Stede smiled. “I know you can. And if work is making you as stressed as it does and you can afford to do without it, why not retire?”
“Oh I can afford it. Got more riches than you can shake a stick at,” Ed said with a grin and a wink. “Just need to dig up all my buried treasure.”
Stede smiled back and shook his head. “So you’ll think about it?”
They walked on in silence, both picking up things from their lists and extras that caught their eye.
“Financially I can afford it,” Ed said at last. “But what about mentally? I’m not built for sitting idle, man.”
“You wouldn’t have to just do nothing. You could do whatever you wanted. Travel, maybe?”
“Nah. I did all that when I was young. Back when my beard was fully black.”
“Spend time on your hobbies?”
“Hmm. Maybe. Feel like I’d want something more substantial than that though. Ooh marmalade!” Ed skipped forward and started scouring the shelves of marmalade.
They picked up the rest of the items on their shopping lists, along with a book of patterned origami papers for Alma and a set of erasable pens for Ed, and made their way to the checkouts.
“Oh hang on,” Ed said. “They’ve got discounted plants.” He pulled Stede over to a temporary rack of sad looking plants. Ed moved a browning spider plant to one side and reached behind it to pull out a medium sized slightly shrivelled cactus. “Look at this poor guy,” he said, holding it out to Stede. “What do you think? You could nurse her back to health, right?” Ed was looking at Stede with something akin to pleading eyes. “She’d look great on your kitchen windowsill.”
Stede smiled. “You don’t want her for yourself?”
Ed considered the cactus. “How about joint custody? Not sure I’m responsible enough to bring up a cactus alone.”
“Alright,” Stede said fondly, taking the cactus from Ed. “She probably just needs a little water and some good sunlight.” He scanned her reduced price sticker and placed her carefully in the trolley.
Ed bumped Stede’s shoulder delightedly and then led the way to the checkout.
Once they’d unloaded Ed’s shopping at his house they headed over to Stede’s and unpacked his. Ed carefully took the cactus out of the packaging and was about to throw the cardboard sleeve into the bin when Stede stopped him. The sleeve had little doodles of cactuses all over it, which for some reason really appealed to Stede.
“It seems too nice to throw away,” Stede said. He didn’t think he’d ever felt this way about some packaging before, a thing that was designed to be thrown away after use. He wouldn’t describe himself as sentimental and yet he found himself saying, “Might just keep it for a bit.”
Ed looked at the sleeve, turning it around to see all the little drawings all over it. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s cute.” He took it and pinned it to Stede’s fridge with his lighthouse magnet. “There.”
“I don’t know what I’ll do with it,” Stede said. “Probably just end up throwing it away at some point.”
“Well, in the meantime you can enjoy looking at it.”
“I can.”
Stede placed the cactus on the windowsill, twisting her to make sure her best side was showing. He gave her a few squirts of water with his spray and they both watched as it collected into droplets on her many hairs.
“She’ll absorb those drops over the next few hours and she’ll start to look a lot better,” said Stede.
“Fuck yeah! Ruthie’s gonna smash it!”
“Ruthie?”
Ed nodded. “Yep. Ruthie.” Ed draped an arm around Stede’s shoulders as they stood and looked at their new cactus child. “I feel like a proud dad.”
Stede chuckled. “Idiot. Come on, she’s not gonna do much if we just stand around watching her. Get your boots on, we’re going to the park.”
They checked on Ruthie several times over the course of the day once they got back to Stede’s house after the park. And the next morning, when they were making their breakfasts. By then she had absorbed all of the water droplets and she was looking decidedly more perky.
“Turns out all she needed was the right environment and some TLC and now she’s living her best life,” Ed said, giving Stede a gentle half smile.
Stede returned the smile and said, “Who knew?”
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Stede returns to the living room, carefully picks his way through the mess and resumes his place on the floor next to Alma. He shows her the cactus packaging.
“Oh yeah,” she says, taking it and running her fingers over it. “I saw that on the fridge. It’s nice. Where’s it from?”
“It’s the packaging from a cactus Ed and I bought a few weeks ago.”
“Oh. You can use my scissors if you want.” She hands him back the packaging and picks up her scissors from the carpet. They have a unicorn’s face as the handles, its eyes the finger holes.
Stede takes them, barely managing to fit his finger and thumb into the holes, and cuts a section of the card, making sure he has several of the little illustrations on it. He lays his cut piece on his page. It still just looks like some bits of scrap paper that have fallen onto a piece of card but he can sort of maybe start to see how he could build it up into something much cooler.
“Can I have that bit?” Alma says, pointing to the leftover part of the packaging.
“Of course.” Stede hands it to her.
Alma takes it and then has a good look at Stede’s page. “That’s going to look really good.”
“Do you think so?”
“Yeah. Why don’t we have a look for some more paper in my stuff that you might like?”
So Alma and Stede rummage through her supplies and pull out several different pieces that he likes. She even allows him, after much umming and ahhing, to have one of the lacy paper doilies. He tears some of the pieces, cuts some of the others, and lays it all out in various arrangements.
“Have you got anything else you want to put on it?” Alma asks him.
“I don’t think so…” Stede begins and he sweeps his eyes around the room until they land on his book shelves. “Oh! Yes!”
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The Bonnet Family (Dad Edition) was in town for the morning so Alma could spend some of her birthday money. She was set on buying books for her growing library so they’d spent a good hour in an independent book shop while Alma picked out what she wanted. She settled on four books, a set of bookmarks and a tiny reading lamp that she could use to read by at night.
While he was waiting Stede hadn’t been able to resist browsing and had eventually picked out a queer romance about a lonely innkeeper and a cosy crime novel written by a gay vicar. He still felt a little embarrassed buying the romance but since he’d come out, he didn’t have to read things like that in secret anymore.
Louis showed no interest in the books and had sat himself in a corner of the shop where he’d spotted a plug socket. He plugged in his Nintendo Switch and lost himself in his game. Stede was quite impressed Louis had thought to bring his charger.
Once Alma’s need to spend her money was sated, Louis dragged them to the game shop so he could spend some of the pocket money he had diligently saved over the past few months.
They were polar opposites in the way they managed their money, with Louis saving carefully until he had enough to buy what he wanted, and Alma splurging any time she had any money. He ended up deciding not to buy the game he had his eye on, opting instead to wait until the price reduced so he could get more for his money.
Stede had promised the kids a drink and snack at their favourite cafe so they headed there before they went home. When they got there it was busier than Stede could remember seeing it and he cursed under his breath at the noise and commotion he was going to have to deal with. He scanned the place for a free table but came up empty. In a moment of hope, he spotted one of the booths at the back that looked to be empty so he led the kids over only to be disappointed to find a man sitting there on his own, tucked into the corner.
The man had light brown skin, long greying hair falling over his shoulders, and was wearing a black leather jacket. His beard was neatly trimmed. On the table in front of him was a paperback novel. Usually a book would capture Stede’s attention but in this case, he found himself thinking how captivating the man’s eyes were.
The man was holding his half full cup to his mouth, about to take a sip when he had frozen in place, looking up at Stede.
“Oh, bugger,” Stede said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you. I thought this table was free.” He turned to the kids. “There’s no tables. We’ll have to try somewhere else I’m afraid.”
This announcement was met with groans and huffs and “but you promised’s” and “Daaaad’s”.
“I’m sorry kids, but there’s nothing I can do. Why don’t we go to—”
“You’re welcome to join me,” the man said, interrupting Stede. “Plenty of room here.”
“Oh no, we couldn’t impose on you like that. It’s fine, we’ll go to—”
“Honestly, it’s okay. Wouldn’t mind a bit of company actually.” The man smiled up at Stede, a warm, genuine looking thing, and Stede couldn’t help returning it.
“All right. If you’re sure. Thank you.”
Stede ushered the kids into the booth, trying to ensure they left the kind man enough space.
“I’m Ed, by the way,” the man said once everyone was seated. He held his hand out to Stede.
“Stede,” Stede replied and he took Ed’s hand and gave it a firm shake. “And these are my kids, Alma and Louis.”
They settled in, arranging their shopping bags on the floor under the table. Louis pulled out his Switch again (Stede made a mental note to talk to Mary about how much time he was spending on it) and Alma grabbed a book from her bag. Stede reached for the menu and flipped to the teas.
The kids were quickly engrossed in their activities leaving Stede feeling a little awkward and wondering whether he should try to engage Ed in conversation. He was not great at starting, or maintaining conversations though.
Instead he turned to Alma. “Is that one of your new books?”
“Hmm?” she replied, already too absorbed in the story to pay much attention to Stede.
“Is that one of your new ones?”
“Oh, no. Well, I got it for my birthday so it is new, but I started reading it last week.”
“What’s it about?”
“A girl who lives on an island with her two dads.”
“Oh that sounds wonderful.”
“Yeah, it’s really good.” She went back to reading.
Stede found himself involuntarily smiling at that, his daughter reading a book with queer themes and just being so incredibly nonchalant about it. Then he remembered he was sitting at a table with a stranger and his smile faltered.
He flicked his gaze momentarily toward Ed to gauge the man’s reaction, but found himself unable to look away. Ed was taking a sip of his coffee but the corners of his lips were definitely quirked up, and his eyes were crinkled. Stede watched as Ed put the cup back on the saucer, the smile he was trying to hide clear on his face.
Ed looked up and made eye contact with Stede. Even though Stede felt his cheeks start to burn, he couldn’t look away. Ed’s smile grew, as if he had stopped trying to stifle it.
“Two dads, huh?” Ed asked Alma, his eyes fixed on Stede.
“Mhm,” Alma said. “One of them’s an artist.”
“That’s cool,” Ed replied.
That’s when Louis decided to make a contribution. He didn’t take his eyes away from his Switch when he said, “Dad’s gay.”
“Louis!” Stede said, quickly looking at Ed again.
“That’s cool, too,” Ed said, still smiling. “So am I.”
Stede breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn’t been out long enough to have much of a sense yet of which spaces were safe for him to be open about himself, and as Lucius constantly told him, his Gaydar was irretrievably broken.
“So… Where’s their other dad? He joining you soon, or…?”
“Other dad?” Stede wondered why on Earth Ed might think that Doug would be joining them. Or, in fact, how Ed even knew of Doug’s existence.
“Well, yeah. I mean I just assumed… You’re gay and they’re your kids…”
“Oh, I see! No. No, I’m single. They live with their mother and her partner. For a moment I thought you meant him!”
“Ha! No mate.” Ed took another sip of his coffee.
“Can I get you anything?” came a pleasant voice. The server stood poised with their pad and pencil at the ready.
“Alma, what do you want?” Stede asked. She reeled off the name of some fruity frappa- something or other. Louis ordered a hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows and sprinkles on top. Stede ordered an Earl Grey tea.
“And for you, Ed?” Stede said once the Bonnets had put their orders in.
“Oh, don’t worry about me. I’m good.” He indicated his almost empty cup of coffee.
“I insist, Ed. We’ve disturbed your peace. It’s the least I can do.”
“All right then, if you’re sure. Uh, I’ll have what he’s having,” Ed said, pointing to Louis.
“With marshmallows, whipped cream, and sprinkles?” the server asked.
“Please.”
“Great. It’ll just be a few minutes.” The server whisked off towards the counter.
“Are you a bookworm, too?” Stede asked, gesturing to the book by Ed’s arm. It was a battered copy of Klara and the Sun.
“Yeah, when I get the time. Just finished this actually.”
“Oh, how was it? I’ve been meaning to read that one for a while but my to-be-read pile is rather large.”
“You’re welcome to it if you wanna read it.”
Stede looked up at Ed. “Oh, I couldn’t possibly.”
Ed picked up the book and held it out towards Stede. “Go on, honestly. It’s not like it’s sentimental or anything. I got it in a charity shop.”
Stede looked at the book and then back at Ed. “All right,” he said. “But only on one condition. You give me your number so we can compare notes on it.”
Ed chuckled and shook his head, almost as if in disbelief. Stede worried he’d made a faux pas.
“Sure, mate. I’d love that,” Ed said.
That made Stede beam.
Ed pulled his phone out and they exchanged numbers.
The Bonnets and Ed sat at that table until Louis’ Switch battery ran down. They drank another two drinks each, had lunch, and all had pastries. Louis made excellent progress on his game and Alma got almost to the end of her book, saving the last few chapters for bedtime.
Stede and Ed fell into easy conversation, laughing and joking and just passing the time so well, like they were old friends. Stede totally lost track of time and was shocked when Louis said they’d have to go home.
“Well, Ed. Thank you so much for letting us share your table today. It’s been wonderful.”
Ed smiled bashfully. “Was a lot of fun. Glad I got to meet you all.”
The kids packed up and were soon ready to go, Louis skipping out of the door that Alma was holding open, but Stede lingered by the table, not quite ready to say goodbye to Ed. “I’m glad we met you, too.”
“Daaaaad,” called Alma. “Come onnnn.”
“I have to go. Thanks again.”
He turned to go but stopped when Ed said, “Hey, Stede?”
“Yes?”
“Text me about the book, yeah?” Ed winked and Stede grinned.
“I will.”
“You better.”
Stede gave Ed one last smile and then turned to join Alma and Louis and head home.
That evening, sitting in his armchair after dropping the kids back at Mary’s, Stede remembered the book. He slid it out of his messenger bag and brought it back to his chair. He flicked through it, and as the pages turned, a postcard fell out onto Stede’s lap. It had vintage illustrations of various butterflies on it and Stede spent some time admiring it. It was very pretty.
He wondered if the card might be important to Ed and he considered texting him about it. He could arrange to drop it off to him sometime. It would be a nice excuse to see Ed again.
He fetched his phone from the kitchen and settled back into his armchair again.
Stede: Hi there Ed. This is Stede from the cafe. I just picked up your book and this fell out of it. I’ll hold onto it and maybe we can arrange to meet up sometime so I can return it to you?
Stede: Attachment 1 image
Ed: hey mate
Ed: good to hear from you so soon
Ed: I forgot that was in there
Ed: I use it as a bookmark
Ed: you can just throw it in the bin
Stede: Oh no, I couldn’t do that! It’s far too pretty!
Ed: keep it then
Ed: if you like it
Stede: Are you sure?
Ed: yeah
Ed it’s yours
Stede: Thank you! I’ll treasure it!
Ed: 😂
Ed: so what do you think of the book?
Stede: I haven’t even started it yet!
Ed: slow reader hey
Stede: 😂
That night they texted until past 2am. They did arrange to meet but not to return the postcard. They would meet at the cafe again for coffees/teas/hot chocolates and maybe a bite to eat, without the kids this time.
Stede crawled into bed with a contented yawn and he settled in with a huge smile on his face and drifted off to sleep.
🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋
Stede grabs the butterfly postcard from its spot on his bookshelves and brings it back to his place on the floor. He hands it to Alma.
“Ooh, where did you get this?”
“Remember that book Ed gave me? When we first met him in that cafe?”
“No.”
“Oh. Well, he gave me a book. This was inside it. He said I could keep it.”
“It’s pretty.” She hands it back to him then pulls out a small plastic box that had been hidden under a heap of stuff. She pokes around inside and then pulls out a small reel of tape and passes it to Stede. “You could use this to stick it if you like.”
The tape is teal and has little shiny gold pictures of scissors all along it. Stede loves the colour combination.
“If you stick it just on one side,” Alma goes on, “you could open it up like a book cover. Put something else inside it.”
“Oh that’s a nice idea.”
Stede fiddles with his layout, shifting things this way and that, still not sure what looks good and what doesn’t. Alma’s page has a real coherence about it that he’s not sure how she’s achieved, whereas Stede’s still just looks like a bunch of things dumped on a page.
He watches her work for a while, wondering if he can take some inspiration from her. She makes it look effortless. She plays around with composition, swapping papers in when something makes her decide it’s not quite right. She just seems to know by instinct what looks right and what needs to be changed. It’s amazing.
She rummages in her little box again and finds a large bronze effect button. She looks at her page for a moment and then places the button on it. She considers it, then moves it, moves it again, and again, before finally seeming happy with it. Whatever made her decide it needed to be moved, she was right. It does look better in its new position.
“So you don’t just have to use paper, then?” Stede says.
“You can use whatever you like. Mum gave me some old buttons and things. Sometimes they look nice.”
“Actually, I have something that might work…” He gets up (again! His poor body!) and dashes off upstairs to his bedroom.
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“Oh, come on, mate, let me help!”
“No, Ed. You made dinner. You’re not clearing up as well.” Stede took the plate from him and stacked it on top of the others.
Ed rolled his eyes and grinned at Stede. “Fine. Does that mean I’m forced to play with these ruffians?” As he spoke, he lunged at Louis who was just getting up from his seat at the table. Louis squealed, dodged Ed, and ran away giggling.
“You’ll never catch me!” Louis said and he hid behind the sofa.
Stede chuckled. “Yes, looks like it.”
Ed dabbed the corner of his mouth with a napkin, threw it onto the plates Stede was collecting, then said, “All right. I do have some prisoners to recapture.” He widened his eyes at Alma, and she also squealed and ran off from the table to hide.
Stede gathered the dirty dishes and retreated to the kitchen. He worked carefully, enjoying the whoops and screams and laughter coming from the living room as the Dread Pyrate Blackbeard tried to capture the two scurvy dogs who had attempted to steal his treasure before dinner.
Stede had played a lot of make believe games by himself as a child and it was one thing he felt he actually did well with the kids. When he had time, and the kids actually wanted to play with him, they had a lot of fun. But playing with Ed made it all so much more fun.
Ed had joined in with the Bonnet Family (Dad Edition) pirate game easily, and quickly teamed up with The Gentleman Pirate to work as co-captains defending their treasure against wily ship hands.
The crockery and cutlery would dry itself on the draining board, and although it pained him a little to do it, Stede decided to leave them until later to dry and put away. He liked order and routine, but sometimes, when there’s pirating to be done, routine and order can wait.
He returned to the living room just in the nick of time to find Blackbeard on his knees pleading for his life as Louis held a cardboard kitchen roll tube at his throat.
“Please,” Ed begged. “I have a family!”
“Hand over the key to your treasure!” Louis demanded. Alma stood behind him, trying to look fierce and not giggle.
“Never!” Blackbeard said. Louis pressed his kitchen roll tube harder into Blackbeard’s neck. “All right, all right! I’ll give it to you!” He reached slowly into his jeans pocket, pulled out a small bronze coloured key, and handed it over to Louis.
“Ha ha!” shouted Louis in triumph, holding the key aloft. “We’ve got his treasure!” He shoved Blackbeard with his tube and ran off, swiftly followed by his sister/accomplice as Blackbeard collapsed to the ground.
Stede stepped in front of the heap on the floor and looked down at his friend.
“The Gentleman Pirate!” Blackbeard said. Stede reached out a hand and helped him up. “Those rascals stole the key to my treasure!”
“Well what are we waiting for? Let’s get it back!” Stede said.
The two pirates gave each other a nod and started to slowly creep toward the sofa where the thieves were hiding. There was some muffled giggling coming from behind it. All of a sudden, Louis burst out and made a run for it across the room but Blackbeard was too fast for him. He lunged and caught Louis around the waist, lifted him up and plopped him onto the sofa where he proceeded to tickle him to within an inch of his life.
Louis squealed and giggled and writhed, trying to defend himself, but it was useless against the tyrant that was Blackbeard. Soon he was begging for mercy with every breath.
Blackbeard withdrew his weapons and waited for the little thief to compose himself. Then he held out his hand and said, “My key.”
Louis hesitated for a moment and Blackbeard raised his tickling fingers in warning.
“Nooo! No!” Louis cried through his laughter. “I surrender! I surrender!” He fished the key out of his trouser pocket and laid it in Blackbeard’s hand.
Blackbeard backed away from the sofa holding his key out proudly to show The Gentleman Pirate. “Ah ha! I have it! The treasure is all ours!”
But little did Blackbeard know, Louis was not the kind of boy to be taken down so easily. He sprang up from the sofa, snatched the key from Ed’s fingers and ran away out of the room with Alma.
“You little…” Blackbeard began.
Stede was laughing so hard by this point that he could hardly breathe. He was almost doubled over next to Ed. He grabbed Ed’s arm to stop him from chasing after Louis and Ed rubbed Stede’s back to help him calm down.
“Shit, mate. Your kids!” Ed said through a huge smile. “They’re so fun.”
Stede righted himself, took some deep breaths and wiped his eyes. “They are,” he agreed. “I better get them to bed. Will you be all right entertaining yourself for a bit?”
“Course, mate. Take all the time you need.” He clapped Stede on the arm and Stede followed the kids out of the room.
Stede got the kids ready for bed, tucked them in, read them each a story. Alma insisted she was too old for a story but when Stede was done with Louis and went into her room she’d picked out a book already - one they’d read many times before. Stede read her a couple of chapters, gave her a kiss and wished her a good night.
When Stede got back to the living room, Ed was sitting on the sofa. He was very still and had a strange expression on his face.
“Are you okay?” Stede asked as he walked over to him.
“Hmm? Oh. Yeah. I’m good.” Ed didn’t look at him as he spoke.
“Are you sure? You don’t look it.”
“Oh no, yeah. I’m all right.”
Stede sat on the sofa next to him and without thinking about it, he put a comforting hand on Ed’s knee. “I can see you’re not. Can I help?”
Ed looked up at him then with shining wet eyes, his bottom lip trembling and Stede was overcome with the need to comfort him. Whatever was wrong with his friend, Stede wanted to help him feel better. He held his arms out and Ed leant into him and let Stede wrap his arms around him.
“Oh, Ed,” Stede whispered as Ed started to cry and one of his hands snaked around Stede’s waist. Stede reached for the tissue box on the coffee table and handed one to Ed.
Stede leaned back on the sofa and pulled Ed into a more comfortable position and they stayed like that for almost half an hour, Stede running his fingers through Ed’s hair, the other hand rubbing his back. Ed’s cries built into sobs and he clutched onto Stede tightly as he let them take over his body.
Slowly, it began to subside until eventually Ed was quiet, breathing returned to normal, the only movement Stede’s hands soothing him.
With a groan, Ed sat himself up and wiped his face on his sleeve. “Fuck. Your shirt. Sorry. Should probably go to therapy or something, not cry all over my best friend.”
Best friend. Stede liked that very much. “You can cry all over me anytime you like.”
“Haven’t been held like that since I was a kid. Thanks, mate.”
“No problem at all. Do you want to talk about it?”
Ed sighed. “You’ll think I’m pathetic.”
“No I won’t. Whatever it is, your feelings about it are obviously big.”
“It’s just… playing with your kids and seeing how well you all get on. Hit me in the feels I suppose.”
Stede nodded but didn't say anything, giving Ed the space to say whatever he wanted to.
“It’s so great, Stede, that they get to have such a nice childhood. So filled with love. They’re really lucky kids.”
Stede pressed his lips together wondering whether he should interrupt Ed to point out how his kids weren’t actually very lucky because they’d been lumbered with him as a dad.
“They love you so much,” Ed continued. “It’s just so nice to experience what a proper family is like.”
Stede couldn’t hold his tongue anymore. “I wouldn’t exactly describe us as a proper family. I’m really trying my best with them, but I haven’t exactly been a good father for most of their lives.”
“Fuck off, mate. You’re killing it. I would have given anything to have a family like yours when I was a kid.”
Stede winced. “You didn’t have a good time?”
Ed huffed a laugh. “Could say that. My dad was a violent drunk. Mum did what she had to to survive, which most of the time meant she was out working. So a lot of the time it was just me home alone. Or with him.”
“Oh, Ed. I’m so sorry. That sounds awful.”
“Yeah. Do you know, I spent so long wishing he’d just die, that when he did die, I thought it was because of me?”
Stede gulped and took Ed’s hand. “God. How old were you when he died?”
“Fourteen. Like, I know it wasn’t my fault, but I feel like it was.”
“I can’t even imagine.” Stede squeezed Ed’s hand.
“Does that make me a monster?” Ed whispered.
Stede shook his head as he spoke. “No, Ed, of course it doesn’t. Wishing away something that made you unsafe doesn’t make you a bad person. And you didn’t actually do anything to him. I think any child would feel guilty in that situation.”
Ed nodded. “Yeah. I do know that. Anyway, don’t get me wrong. All that crying shit wasn’t because I’m sad for myself. It’s because I’m so fucking happy for your kids. They get to grow up safe, knowing their parents love them and will do whatever they can for them.”
“Ed, you’re allowed to be sad for yourself, you know.”
Ed gazed at him for several moments, blinking, no expression on his face.
“Dad?” came a small voice from the other side of the room. Stede looked up to see Louis peering in through the doorway.
Ed rubbed his face with his hands as Stede shifted slightly away from him. “Everything all right, darling?”
“Can I give Ed his key back?”
Stede looked to Ed, who nodded. “Of course you can.”
Louis pattered over in his green and orange dinosaur pyjamas and bare feet. When he got to the sofa he held out the key they’d been playing with earlier. “Here you go,” Louis said. “So you can still get your treasure.”
Ed took the key. “Cheers, mate. Appreciate it.”
Stede smiled at them both and then said, “Come on Lou, let’s get you back to bed.” He took Louis by the hand and led him back to his room.
When Stede returned Ed was pulling his jacket on.
“Oh, are you going? You’re more than welcome to stay,” Stede said.
“Thanks, but I really should be going.”
“All right. Well, thanks for spending the day with us, Ed. I really enjoyed it.”
“Mate, I had the best time. Thanks for inviting me. I’d love to do it again some time.”
“Me too.”
Ed started to say something, then changed his mind, then changed it again and said, “Hey, do you think I could get a hug before I go? One for the road?”
Stede beamed. “Of course. Come here.” He opened his arms and pulled Ed in, squeezing him tight.
“God, you give good hugs, man.”
Stede giggled.
They pulled apart after what must have been a few minutes.
“Oh,” said Ed, and put his hand in his pocket and pulled out the pirate key again. He held it out to Stede. “Here. You have it.”
“What’s it really for?” Stede asked.
“Weren’t you listening? My treasure!”
“Ha ha. No, really?”
“Dunno. Found it in the office. Don’t think it’s a real key but I thought it was cool so I picked it up. Forgot I had it until I felt it digging in my leg. Must have been in my pocket for a few washes.”
Stede took the key and looked at it carefully. It was small with a round bow that had a notch cut out of it and a raised skull and crossbones. The blade had even serrations along it. “It is kind of cool. Thank you. I will treasure it!”
Ed smiled, clapped Stede on the arm, and made his way to the front door. Stede watched him walk to his car, give a final wave, and drive away.
🗝️🗝️🗝️🗝️🗝️
Alma helps Stede try the key in different positions. None of them look quite right so she suggests leaving it where it is until he adds some more things to the page.
“So you can put anything on there?” Stede asks.
“Yeah. Don’t tell Mum this but sometimes I spray some of her perfume on it so it smells nice when I open it.”
“That’s a great idea. I won’t tell Mum but I think you should ask her next time before you do that. She might have some perfume she doesn’t wear much anymore. I bet Auntie Evelyn might too.”
“You think they might?”
“Maybe. And even if Mum says no, it’s better than you getting caught stealing her things.”
She huffs. “Yeah. She’d be cross.”
“She would. You’d be cross if someone was stealing your things.”
She huffs again. “Okay. I’ll ask. Do you have anything that smells nice?”
Stede thinks about this. He does have quite the collection of colognes but he’s not sure any of them would be quite right for this. Then an idea hits him.
“I might have something, actually.” He pries himself up from the floor (he’s going to pay for this tomorrow) and goes to the kitchen.
🫖🫖🫖🫖🫖
“Thanks for coming over, mate,” Ed said as he opened his front door to Stede.
“It’s good to see you,” Stede said, drawing Ed in for a hug. He loved having a friend he could hug like this on sight. Looking back, Stede would probably describe himself as touch-starved before he’d started getting on better with the kids and met Ed. Not any more.
He loved cuddling with the kids but hugging Ed was different. When he hugged the kids he was doing it as their father. When he hugged Ed was doing it as his equal. The hug was for both of them, just because they wanted to. It still surprised Stede every time that anyone would want to hug him without the obligations of parenthood, but Ed genuinely seemed happy to do it.
The hug broke and Stede made his way straight to Ed’s kitchen. It was, to put it lightly, an absolute state. The sink was overflowing with dirty pots, there were plates and pans and tins and even a half-dead fern on the surfaces, and the kitchen table was buried under a mountain of junk.
Ed stood in the doorway rubbing his neck. “Are you sure you wanna do this?”
“Stop asking that. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s just a lot to ask and I—”
Stede stepped quickly over to him and glared at him to stop him from saying more. “Will you stop, please? I said I’d help and I’m happy to.”
Ed smiled shyly. “Thanks, mate. I know, I just… I suppose I’m embarrassed that as a grown man I let it get like this. Again. But it gets to a point where I can’t see all the individual things and it just looks like one big lump of stuff. And I can’t see what I’m supposed to do with it. I don’t know where or even how to start.”
Stede reached out and clasped Ed’s upper arms. “There’s no need to be embarrassed. And I get it. This kind of thing isn’t easy. And your brain isn’t meant for tasks like keeping a kitchen clean and tidy. Plus you’ve been so busy and stressed with work lately. And you’ve been away. It’s no wonder you haven’t had the brain space to keep on top of things.”
Ed had been away for a week for work, during which time they’d been messaging, but not seeing Ed in person for all that time had left Stede feeling decidedly down in the dumps. He was so happy to be back in his presence again.
Stede softened his voice. “I am more than happy to help you sort this out so you have one less thing to worry about. And anyway, I still owe you for taking me to that hospital appointment.”
“I only drove you there, mate.”
“Yes. An hour and a half each way. And then you fought for a parking space and found the way through that massive hospital and chatted with me to keep my mind off things. I was about to cancel that appointment if you hadn’t offered to take me. So this is the least I can do for you. All right?”
Ed looked down at the space between them and gave a small nod.
“Okay then. Now you put the kettle on and let’s get to work.”
“But I’m a—”
“Ah-ah! No thank you. I will not be taking counterarguments at this time. Kettle, please.”
The corner of Ed’s mouth quirked up as he tried to hide a smile. Stede did not try to hide his own smile. It brought him great pleasure to look after Ed like this, to help him do something he clearly struggled with. He felt like they were the perfect match, each being good at things the other wasn’t.
Ed filled the kettle and flicked it on while Stede took a moment to survey the damage and come up with a battle plan. He rummaged through the bag of supplies he’d brought with him, pulled out his marigolds and snapped them on. “Right, where are your binbags?”
“Uh, try under the sink. If not, then maybe the drawer under the cutlery?” Ed suggested.
Stede set to searching and eventually found them, then began filling one with rubbish. “So, how was the conference?” he asked as he worked.
“Eh, same old same old. Days of listening to people rabbit on about the same old stuff. The same cliques of people. Same old tensions between rival companies. Wish I hadn’t bothered, to be honest.”
“Can’t you send Izzy next time?” Stede said. “Where does this live?” He held up a tin opener.
Stede loved the domesticity of this, doing household tasks with his best friend, working away to make their lives that little bit nicer. Which was strange, because he really hadn’t liked that when he’d been living with Mary. With Mary it had started off dull and monotonous and slowly became stilting and suffocating until he felt like he was so utterly trapped in the mundaneities of life that he might as well be packed into a coffin and buried now. Life had felt utterly pointless.
Ed took the tin opener from Stede and threw it into a drawer. “Yeah, Iz can go to the next one. And that reminds me. I didn’t just ask you over here to clean my house. There’s something I wanna tell you.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I’m taking your advice. I’m retiring. This last week was the last straw. I can’t do it anymore. It’s sapping the life out of me. Just got some financial stuff to sort out and it’ll be official.”
“Oh my god! Ed, that’s the best news!” He rushed over to Ed and yanked him into a tight hug, both of them laughing with the shock of it. “I am so happy for you! Oh, you’re going to feel so much better without all that stress hanging over you all the time.”
Stede released Ed from his grip and felt the overwhelming urge to kiss him. So he grabbed him by his upper arms, dragged him in and planted a big kiss on his cheek.
“Oh shit, I’m so sorry,” he said as he pulled back and put a pink-gloved hand over his mouth in embarrassment. “I don’t know what came over me! Oh gosh. Ed, I’m—”
“Don’t be sorry,” Ed said, and he was laughing, almost giggling. “It’s exciting news.”
“It is. I just lost myself in the excitement. I shouldn’t have done that. Sorry again.”
“It’s honestly fine mate.”
“Well, I’m really happy for you. Oh, have you told Izzy yet?”
Ed rubbed his short beard. “Yeah.”
“How did he take it?”
“Not great. He said he didn’t understand why I wanted to retire ‘out of the blue.’ Like I haven’t been saying for years that I’ve had enough and don’t wanna do it anymore.”
“Jeez. I don’t think you could have made it any clearer.”
“Yeah. He’s never been the best at seeing things from anyone else’s point of view.”
“So what’s going to happen to the business then? Will you close it?”
“Nah. Iz wants to buy it. But he’s not keeping the name. Blackbeard goes down with me.”
“Well I look forward to seeing how GreyGoatee does in the future.”
Ed snorted. “Ha! Well, he can do what he likes with it. Won’t be my problem anymore.”
Stede gazed at his friend for a moment, an intense feeling of pride swelling his chest. He pulled him into yet another hug. “It’s brilliant news, Ed.”
Ed nuzzled into Stede’s neck, and Stede could feel him beaming.
Eventually they pulled apart again.
“What happened to that tea?” Stede asked, and Ed groaned.
“Shit. Forgot!” Ed went back to the kettle and flicked it on again. “Oh, and also, wait there a minute.” He disappeared out of the room and came back a few moments later with a little baggie. He handed it to Stede. “Got these for you at the conference.”
Inside the baggie was a handful of teabags, each with a vivid teal tag. “You got these for me?” Stede asked.
“Yeah. I know you like tea, and the colour of the tag made me think of you. I missed you, you know? A whole week without you was hard. So I nabbed a few for you.”
“You stole some teabags for me because the wrapper colour reminded you of me?”
“Well, and because I know you like tea.”
Stede felt his cheeks burn. “Ed, that’s… that’s…”
“Nah, it’s silly. Ignore me. Just having a moment. I was thinking about you and then I saw these and that’s your colour and you like tea, and I just thought… Never mind. I’ll put them in the—” He went to reach for the baggie in Stede’s hand but Stede snatched it to his chest.
“No! No. Don’t. I want them, of course I do. I just… It’s such a sweet gift, I’m just a little overwhelmed.”
“It’s just some free teabags, mate.”
“That you stole for me.”
“Not really stealing if they’re free.”
Stede could feel tears welling up in his eyes but he blinked them back. Stealing teabags from a conference was the sweetest crime anyone had ever committed for him.
He wanted to hug Ed again but he thought he might be pushing his luck if he tried again, especially after the unexpected kiss.
“Thank you. That’s so sweet of you. I’m touched that you thought of me,” Stede said, in lieu of another hug.
“Think about you a lot, mate,” Ed mumbled. “Do you want one now?”
Stede opened the baggie and took a lungful of the scent. “Yes please. They smell amazing!”
So Ed finally made them both tea and they drank and chatted as they worked on restoring Ed’s kitchen to working order.
“What are you going to do with all your spare time, do you think?” Stede asked.
“Well, for starters, sort the house out. Find some new hobbies. Maybe do some volunteering. Spend more time with you.”
Stede grinned to himself and continued wiping the stove top. “Well, when you’re ready I can come over if you like and help you blitz this place. Make it super organised and easy to find everything so you can get things out and put them all away easily. If you’re not working you won’t have to be rushing all the time. That will help you manage it more easily. And I will still come over and help you any time you need. That sound like a plan?”
“Fuck. I dunno what I did to deserve someone like you in my life. Thanks, mate.”
They spent a couple of hours in the kitchen and by the time they were done, it was gleaming and shiny and everything that shouldn’t be on the surfaces was out of sight and away. Stede had had to pretend everything was fine as he worked with Ed’s slapdash system of where everything lived (wherever there was space), but the room was much better. Ed had seemed to become lighter as the kitchen became tidier and to Stede, that was worth all the work.
“So, did you have anything else in mind for us to do this evening? Or do you have your own plans?” Stede asked as he pulled off his marigolds and washed his hands.
“Was hoping you’d stay. Could order some food. And then I was kinda thinking that maybe we could read Project Hail Mary together. Take it in turns to read a chapter out loud. Been wanting to read it for ages.”
Stede beamed. “Oh, I love that idea! Yes! Let’s do that!”
🫖🫖🫖🫖🫖
Stede holds the teabag up to his nose and takes in a lungful of the scent. He loves green tea and these teabags from Ed are delicious. This is his last one and he’d been putting off using it because he loved the fact Ed had stolen them for him. So immortalising one in a junk journal seemed like a great idea. He was getting much more into the idea than he’d thought he would.
“Is that a teabag?” Alma asks.
Stede folds himself back up onto his space on the carpet and holds it out to her. “Yes. It smells really nice.”
She leans in and sniffs and then scowls. “Yuck, that’s horrible! That bit’s a nice colour though.” She points at the tag.
“Ed said it reminded him of me.”
“Ed?”
“Yeah. He sto… uh, gave them to me.”
“It smells gross but it looks cool.”
Stede plays around until he finds a space the teabag and its tag look good in, and lays it there. He moves the key and some other bits, adds some extra little pieces until he realises it does actually look pretty good.
“All your cool junk things are from Ed,” Alma says, not looking up from her work.
Huh. He looks at his spread. There are lots of things that aren’t from Ed - all of Alma’s scraps and papers - but all of the things that belong to Stede did come from Ed. He hadn’t considered that when he’d gone and fetched them all. Each item had just popped into his head when he’d tried to think of something interesting to use.
“Do you want a little pocket?” Alma asks, showing him a ready made little paper pouch she’s holding. “I’m having one. You can keep secrets in it.”
“What kind of secrets? I don’t think I have any more secrets.”
“I dunno. You could put the name of someone you fancy in there?”
Stede looks at Alma questioningly. She elaborates. “You know, someone who you want to be boyfriends with.”
“Yes, I know what fancy means. I just…”
He thinks for a moment but can’t come up with anyone he’s ever fancied, really. He’s not sure he actually understands what fancying someone feels like. He’s had little infatuations with people but they’d all been people he knew so he assumed it was just that he admired something about them. He didn’t think that was the same as fancying someone. So he’d always disregarded those infatuations as just a foolish idea he got into his head sometimes.
“Just what?” Alma asks. She’s lining up little pieces of torn paper.
Stede lays the secret pocket in the bottom left corner of his spread. “Just… don’t think there is anyone I’d want to be boyfriends with.”
Alma hums. She glues some pieces onto her page. “What about Ed?”
Stede laughs. “Ed? Ed’s my best friend.”
“He could be your boyfriend instead. Mum says you act like boyfriends.”
“We don’t…” Stede trails off as he thinks about why Mary would possibly say that. They don’t act like boyfriends! They’re just best friends who like spending time together.
He thinks about Ed and all the things they like to do. Sharing meals, movie nights, trips to museums, to the park, domestic chores. And he supposes that to anyone else that kind of might look like … well, dating.
But they’re not dating, they’re just best friends. That’s all. If they were dating they’d do things like hold hands when they were out. He imagines slipping his hand into Ed’s and feels his cheeks heat up. Maybe it would be quite nice to hold Ed’s hand as they stroll around the park on a sunny day.
If they were dating, Stede could bring Ed flowers. Mary had never really been bothered the few times he’d brought them for her, but he thinks Ed would love it. He imagines standing on Ed’s doorstep waiting for him to answer his knock, and when he does, Stede holds out the bouquet to him and Ed gasps and goes all embarrassed. Stede feels a warm tingly feeling throughout his whole body.
He thinks about dropping Ed home after a trip out somewhere. Often, at the end of a date, there might be a kiss. What would it be like to kiss Ed? Maybe Ed would lean in first, or perhaps Stede would, or maybe Stede would be the gentleman that he claims to be and ask Ed if he could kiss him. Yeah, that feels right. Stede would ask if he could kiss him and Ed would say yes and shimmy his shoulders bashfully and they’d both lean in together and…
Stede’s stomach flutters like it’s filled with so many butterflies and it’s nice. The thought of kissing Ed is nice. More than nice. It’s amazing.
Spending time with Ed is already the best. But maybe it could be even better.
He realises he’s smiling widely at this thought. He straightens his face before Alma notices.
“If Ed was your boyfriend, me and Louis would have three cool dads,” she says.
Stede just stares at her in disbelief, partly because she’s saying Stede is cool, but mainly because the idea of Ed being his boyfriend and maybe eventually another dad to his kids is kind of blowing his mind.
Stede watches Alma stick a few more things to her page. Then she declares herself done for the time being and starts to gather up all her supplies from around them.
Stede sits on the floor as she gradually collects up and packs away all the paper and card and ephemera that had been strewn across the room.
He doesn’t know how long it takes her because he spends almost all of that time thinking about Ed. Stede is always excited when he’s going to see Ed. He’s always happy to be in his company. He likes him so very much. And now he’s realising that it might actually be something more than like. It might be something huge and life-changing.
He looks at his junk journal page. What had started out looking like some scraps of paper someone had dropped on the way to the bin now had coherence. There’s something of a colour scheme - teal, of course - and the pieces of paper he’s placed on the page make sense visually. It’s pleasing to look at.
But there’s more to it than that. This page is the journey Stede has made this afternoon to understanding the true nature of his relationship with Ed. He’d thought making the page was about spending time with his daughter, but without even knowing it, she had coaxed him into realising how he really feels about Ed. It’s a real piece of art with meaning and emotion, and Stede made it.
He looks at each item that came to him through Ed and he asks himself again, does he really want Ed to be his boyfriend. And it’s clear. It’s obvious. He doesn’t know how he didn’t see it before.
The answer is yes. Unequivocally yes. He looks at the junk journal and he knows it’s absolutely what he wants. He very much wants Ed to be his boyfriend.
But Ed. What would he want? Surely he couldn’t want the same. Surely he’s happy the way things are, just doing the things they do together. Sharing meals and talking and laughing, movie nights, trips to museums, all those things they always do.
The things that boyfriends would do.
Stede isn’t the only one doing the things boyfriends would do. Ed’s been doing it too. All this time, Ed’s been doing it too. Maybe it’s not that far fetched that Ed might want more as well.
Alma steps past Stede, her arms laden with all of her scraps, and as she does, a small piece slips out and lands on Stede’s lap.
“Oh, you dropped one,” he says, picking up the piece of paper and having a look at it. It’s a green square with the words ‘Dreams Come True’ on it.
He stares at it and thinks about all the times he’d dreamed he could be free of his soul-destroying marriage, all the times he’d wished he could be his authentic self, of the times he’d imagined being a good father to his kids.
Maybe dreams do come true. Maybe even dreams you didn’t know you had until your nine year old daughter pointed them out could come true.
“You can have it if you like,” Alma says and tucks the last of her journaling supplies into her craft bag. “I’m gonna go and read.”
Stede watches her go and then turns back to his junk journal spread. He picks up the little secret pocket and spreads glue on the back, then presses it down into the bottom left corner of the spread. He thinks about tucking Ed’s name into it, to keep it safe and hidden away.
But then he realises he doesn’t want it safe and hidden anymore. He’s done with being safe and hidden. No more hiding.
He glues the ‘Dreams Come True’ square and sticks it on top of the secret pocket. Then he pulls his phone out of his pocket and dials.
“Hey, mate! How are you doing?”
“Hi, Ed. Listen. I’ve got the kids here, as you know, but I was wondering if you’d come over later, after they’ve gone to bed?”
“Uh, yeah, sure. I’d love to. Everything all right?”
“Yes. It’s just that I’ve had a bit of a revelation about… Well, about my love life actually. I’ve realised something really significant about what… or who I want.” There’s silence from both of them for a moment before Stede adds, “I think we should talk.”
There’s a quiet laugh from the other end of the line. “Yeah, mate. I think we should too. See you about nine?”
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Alt text: Vintage junk/art journal double spread, made from layered torn papers in soft aqua, cream, tan, blush pink, and brown. The background combines aged book pages, kraft paper, papers with a grid or lines pattern, and textured paper with torn edges. The journal is against a grey wall, on top of a little transparent box containing a stack of paper. On the black desk it is sitting on, around the journal we can see a stack of various paper, a golden clamp, a small pair of scissors, two teal/silver paint brushes, a few fabric scraps, and a vintage style desk lamp with 3 washi tapes.
Alt text:
Left page:
In the top left corner, an aged grid white paper on top of a large torn strip of aqua paper with a grid pattern. A small antique looking brass key, with a pirate flag looking symbol, is tied with an aged green ribbon and glued on the white grid paper.
At the top right, a used tea bag is on top of the background book page, with a small square image of a rabbit, from beneath which a metal leaf charm, looking like a wing, spread upward pointing at the number 113 (the background page number). The string attaching the tea bag to its tag is held by the wing-like leaf charm, and going downward.
At the bottom left, a green square card reading "Dreams Come True" is laying on top of a small brown paper bag made of dictionary paper sitting horizontally on top of a light beige strip of paper. The small bag is open, a piece of teal grid paper coming out of it. The teal tag of the tea bag is peeking from under the paper bag. A strip of washi tape with tiny green arrows is sitting along the lower edge.
Right page:
A large vintage botanical illustration sits as the focal point, depicting flowers and plants surrounded by butterflies, in greens, yellows, browns, and beige. The botanical card is layered over torn teal, beige, white, and light brown papers. A small white paper doily and a used stamp are peeking from under the botanical card.
A strip of translucent teal-green washi tape with gold scissors sits along the right edge of the card.
A small light green paper with a registration label sits near the top right corner.
Alt text: The same double spread, except the botanical card is revealed to be held with washi tape like a tiny page and has been turned to show what is under it.
At the center is a composition of kraft paper printed with cactus illustrations, with three strips sitting vertically on top of it (one light beige fabric, one aged teal fabric, one washi tape strip with green leaves), a used australian postage stamp featuring a leafy seadragon, cut-out alphabet tiles spelling "A" and "Z", and a strip of beetle washi tape running along the bottom edge.
The down side of the butterfly card shows it is an unused white postcard decorated with botanical foliage along the lower edge and a black beetle sticker in the upper right corner.