Work Text:
COLD OPEN
TITLE: 11:32 am
TITLE: 1 day before June 1st
TITLE: Philadelphia, PA
INT. PADDY’S PUB – Morning
OVER TITLES WE HEAR:
MAC
Come on! It’s a great idea!
FADE IN:
DEE is behind the bar, while MAC sits across from her, pointing and arguing. CHARLIE watches on from another stool, while FRANK eats a bowl of peanuts next to him.
DEE
No Mac! It’s a stupid idea! I’m not putting all that effort into learning how to pour some stupid “rainbow shots”! No one’s even gonna order that!
MAC
It’s for pride Dee! People will love it!
DEE
Okay then why can’t you be the one making them?
MAC
Uh duhhh maybe because I have to be the bouncer and protect you guys at the front of the bar at all times? I can’t ditch my post just so I can mix some stupid drinks!
DEE
So you admit that they’re stupid?
MAC gets up in DEE’s face.
MAC
YOU’RE STUPID! YOU’RE THE ONE THAT'S STUPID!
CHARLIE
Honestly, Dee I get that you don’t want to do it, but Mac gets the final say on this kind of thing. This is his territory.
DEE
What? No! I'm the one pouring the drinks! How is this his territory?
CHARLIE
‘Cause it’s for pride! Mac is in charge of all the gay stuff at the bar.
MAC
Yeah, cause I’m gay.
CHARLIE
‘Cause he’s gay.
DEE
That doesn’t even make sense!
CHARLIE
It makes perfect sense Dee! Mac is the gayest one at our bar, so he gets to make all the decisions on the gay stuff we do.
MAC
Yeah it’s the rules.
DEE
Okay… well what if he wasn’t the gayest at the bar anymore?
MAC
Uh well that’s impossible because I’m clearly the gayest one here.
DEE
I bet I could walk gay circles around you!
MAC
Oh yeah?
DENNIS appears from the back office.
DENNIS
Can you guys stop yelling? I’m trying to lay out our budget for tomorrow!
DEE (ignoring him)
We each get until midnight to do as much gay shit as possible and whoever does the most, gets the final say on the rainbow shots.
MAC
YOU’RE ON!
DENNIS
What? No? No! You guys aren’t ditching us here! We need to get ready for pride! It’s gonna be a packed house!
FRANK
Can I be the judge?
MAC
Hell yeah you can be the judge!
CHARLIE
I’ll get the timer!
CHARLIE dives over the bar and starts rummaging.
DENNIS
We haven’t even set up the decorations-!
CHARLIE
Found it!
CHARLIE slams the timer onto the table.
DENNIS
No! Charlie stop-
CHARLIE
Your time starts in 3…2…1 GO!
MAC and DEE bolt towards the door, shoving each other.
DENNIS
GUYS GUYS GUYS! Goddammit!
TITLE: Mac and Dee: Gay-m of the century
INTRO PLAYS:
INT. PADDY’S PUB – Afternoon
DENNIS
Okay! So we’ve lost two of our employees, including the one who said he was going to be on top of this, this year. But that’s okay because we are perfectly capable of setting up for pride just the 3 of us. Charlie, how are those decorations coming?
CHARLIE
I’m glad you asked, Dennis! So I realized we already had tons of rainbow stuff for St.Patricks day, so I just cut off the pot of gold decals and now we can tape these all over the bar! It’s extra good too because we didn’t have to spend any money!
CHARLIE shows off his rainbow decals. The cut-job is terrible.
DENNIS lets out a huge sigh. He’s annoyed, but not surprised.
DENNIS
Okay…so we can’t use those because they look like shit, and now we need to cough up more money to replace the St. Patrick's day decorations…
CHARLIE
Well we also have Green Man.
DENNIS
What?
CHARLIE
You know! Green Man? My character?
DENNIS
Yes Charlie I know about Green Man, what the fuck does Green Man have to do with pride?
CHARLIE
Well for one, he’s green. That’s part of the rainbow!
DENNIS
No-that-no that’s nothing Charlie. People aren’t going to pick up that you’re supposed to be “part of the rainbow” we need actual pride stuff.
CHARLIE
Okay but what if Green Man was like a mascot for pride? There’s some huge marketing potential going on here.
DENNIS
Charlie, what are you talking about? You’re not going to become a mascot, you’re not even gay!
CHARLIE
Well yeah I’m not, and it would be super problematic for me to pretend to be a gay man, but maybe that’s part of it! I’ve been workshopping the Green Man character and like imagine if Green Man was gay, but then he got bitten by like a radioactive homophobic rat, and now he’s a superhero who fights crime while also trying to figure out how to make himself gay again? What’s more pride-friendly than a guy who’s literally trying to turn himself gay?
DENNIS
That’s-wait-the rat made him green too?
CHARLIE
Oh no, he was always green.
DENNIS angrily sputters for a second, before collecting himself.
DENNIS
I don’t have time for this, I’m gonna run to the decorations store and try to get us some pride flags and shit. Charlie while I’m gone please try and workshop something different than the Green Man for entertainment. Like-Oh! Frank! See if you can hire some dancers- OOH! Wait wait! Get us some drag queen dancers!
FRANK
What, like transvestites?
DENNIS
No! Frank, don’t use that word! Charlie, help him out, okay? I’m counting on you two!
CHARLIE
We got it Dennis! Don’t worry about us!
DENNIS points at both of them in the doorway before ducking out.
CHARLIE
Okay, Frank you go get those hookers Dennis wants, and I’ll work on my Green Man song.
FRANK
I’m on it!
CUT TO:
INT. Coffeeshop – Afternoon
WAITRESS is making coffees. She goes to bring the mug out to a customer, but just as she turns around, DEE appears.
WAITRESS (startled)
JESUS CHRIST!
DEE
Hey girlfriend!
WAITRESS (annoyed)
Oh good! You’re doing this too now?
DEE (ignoring her)
Speaking of girlfriends… how would you like to be my girlfriend for the rest of the day?
WAITRESS
I would not like that. Why would I like that? I hate you.
DEE
Look, I’m trying to win a bet and I need someone to do some girl-on-girl action with!
WAITRESS
Then hire a prostitute!
DEE
I don’t have prostitute money!
WAITRESS rolls her eyes and starts walking away.
DEE
Wait! Wait! Wait! Y’know Dennis and how he totally thinks you’re not over him? What better way to show how “over him” you are, than les-ing out with his sister?
WAITRESS still looks annoyed, but begins to consider it.
WAITRESS
That would probably bother him, huh?
DEE
Oh I know it would. He might even cry about it.
WAITRESS’ eyes seem to light up.
WAITRESS
Two-hundred bucks and you’re on.
DEE
50 bucks and full access to all the drinks behind the bar.
WAITRESS
I don’t drink!
They both pause for a second. WAITRESS looks slightly conflicted, but DEE just stares knowingly.
WAITRESS
Goddammit, fine, okay. When are we doing this?
DEE
Uh DOY, right now, dummy!
DEE grabs WAITRESS’ hand and begins dragging her out of the coffee shop.
WAITRESS
Wait! Hey! I’m at work right now, I can’t just leave!
DEE
Yeah you can! We’re doing it right now!
CUT TO:
INT. OUTSIDE PADDY’S PUB - Afternoon
MAC runs up to DENNIS who is standing on a ladder and hanging a large rainbow flag next to the pub sign.
MAC
What’s up?
DENNIS
Oh good! You got my text. Follow me.
MAC
Yeah you said there was an emergency?
MAC and DENNIS enter the pub.
CHARLIE is laying flat on the bar, doodling intensely and surrounded by other crayon-scribbled sheets of paper.
FRANK dabs Charlie’s forehead with a wet towel and whispers some words of encouragement.
An unknown man can be seen dancing near the back of the pub with his back to the group.
DENNIS
Yeah, Charlie refuses to help me carry the keg up from the basement even though we need it for tomorrow!
CHARLIE
You can’t be harshing up my process, man. I can’t lose my train of thought when I’m writing the next Bohemian Rhapsody.
FRANK
Charlie here is an ARTIST. You gotta listen to some of his stuff, it’s blowing my mind. We really gotta merchandise this Green Man thing.
MAC
Woah woah, wait you brought me down here for that? Come on Dennis! I’m trying to win this thing! I coulda smooched like a dozen more guys in the time it took to get here!
DENNIS
Okay well you’re here now! Come on, it will only take a second!
MAC
And who's that?
FRANK looks over his shoulder at the unknown man.
FRANK
That’s our Drag Queen.
The unknown man turns to reveal its CRICKET, he waves and continues dancing.
FRANK (cont.)
Turns out those Drag Queen thingies are expensive, and this guy works for fruit and loose crack.
CRICKET
I’m easy to please!
MAC
Oh hey, Cricket.
CRICKET
Oh it’s not “Cricket” anymore, baby. I’m Miss-
Before CRICKET can say his drag name, a glass bottle is hurled over his head. He ducks just in time.
The camera turns to DENNIS and it is presumed he threw the bottle.
DENNIS
STOP SAYING THAT! IT'S STILL NOT FUNNY! IT'S NOT EVEN CLEVER WORDPLAY!
CHARLIE
Dennis, leave him be, and stop throwing bottles! I can't write my masterpiece if I’m busy sweeping up glass!
FRANK
I’ll take care of the glass Charlie, you just keep writing.
FRANK leaves to get a broom.
DENNIS is seconds away from a meltdown, but he manages to keep it cool.
DENNIS
Mac? Basement? Keg? Now?
MAC (quickly)
Right! Right right right right right.
MAC follows DENNIS to the basement.
CHARLIE
Hey Cricket?
CRICKET
Yes?
CHARLIE
Tell me, do you think you can dance to this?
CHARLIE holds up one of his scribbled nonsense pieces.
CRICKET
I can’t read that.
CHARLIE
Okay well then just listen.
CHARLIE jumps down from the bar and heads over to the piano.
He begins his song over a demo-sample from the piano.
CHARLIE (singing)
Green Man! You used to be gay!
But a nasty old rat took that all away!
CHARLIE (cont.)
So that’s like the intro. And by the way, make sure you’re committing the lyrics to memory, you’re gonna need to lipsync this for the show.
CRICKET nods, mouthing the words as he begins to dance.
FRANK
Charlie, where the hell is the dustpan?
CHARLIE
Should be one in the basement.
FRANK huffs before heading towards the basement door.
CRICKET
Do you want my moves to match the music or match the lyrics?
CHARLIE
Do whatever your heart tells you, man let the song dance for you, you know?
CRICKET nods earnestly.
CHARLIE
Okay so then it’s gonna be like…
CHARLIE (singing)
But green man will never quit no he’ll never stop
He’ll keep on fighting till he’s back on top
Of dudes!
CRICKET
Ooh ooh! What if for “dudes” I could do like a “body roll” thing, like this?
CRICKET demonstrates a body roll.
CHARLIE
Yes! Dude, yes! It’s like you’re reading my mind right now!
FRANK reappears, he looks like he’s seen a ghost.
CHARLIE
You find the dustpan?
FRANK
Uh no. No-forget it uh why don’t you show me what you’ve got so far.
CHARLIE
Okay so! We were thinking for the “dudes” part, he could do one of these things. Cricket show ‘em.
CRICKET does the move again.
CHARLIE
And really, from there I think we can do something with our hands? Like maybe throw some claps in there?
CRICKET
What, something like this?
CRICKET does some sort of dance involving his hands.
CHARLIE
Bro.
CHARLIE holds up his hand for a high five. CRICKET accepts.
CHARLIE
You could make a career out of this thing man. You are like so good at moving.
MAC and DENNIS reappear, rolling the keg out on a dolly.
MAC is straining a bit, but Dennis looks like he’s been running a marathon.
MAC
Dude, we need to build a ramp down there. We can’t keep carrying these things up and down the staircase. This is just unsustainable.
DENNIS (comically out of breath)
No. We can’t afford renovations. It’s fine. This works fine.
MAC
Alright whatever. I’m gonna head back out there. I gotta get my numbers up!
DENNIS practically collapses on top of the bar, panting heavily as he recollects himself.
DENNIS
Charlie, *pant* help me hang these streamers.
CHARLIE
No can do, dude. Cricket and I are really finding a rhythm.
DENNIS groans, head down.
CUT TO:
INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT
DEE and WAITRESS are sitting across from each other, menus in hand. The lights are low and there’s vague romantic music playing softly in the background.
DEE
This is fun right? Just two gals hanging out at some romantic restaurant. We got a real “will they won’t they” vibe about us, huh?
WAITRESS ignores her and just stares at her menu.
WAITRESS
You promise this is “your treat” right? You aren’t just gonna ditch me after you eat and leave me with the bill?
DEE (impatiently)
Yes yes yes my treat! Would you relax please? We’re supposed to be having a fun night!
WAITRESS squints at her menu.
WAITRESS
Uh huh. If you don’t have “prostitute money” why’d you bring us here? This place is charging like forty bucks for an entree.
DEE
Yeah so about that…whatever you order here, we’re gonna have to split because I can not afford two meals.
WAITRESS
Why wouldn’t we just go somewhere cheaper, then?
DEE
‘Cause this is more fun! It’s romantic and stuff!
WAITRESS
Having less food is romantic?
DEE
Sharing food is romantic!
Now pick something out so we can go ahead and order!
WAITRESS (sighing)
Okay…
A beat.
DEE
Look, I’m only doing this because I wanna win this stupid competition with Mac, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun while we’re at it!
DEE reaches her hand across the table and places it over WAITRESS’.
WAITRESS looks unsure, but doesn’t pull away.
DEE
How about you just relax and let Ol’ Sweet Dee show you the night of your life?
The pair started at each other for a beat.
MUSIC STARTS UP:
BEGIN MONTAGE:
- DEE and WAITRESS share a plate of spaghetti. They do the “lady and the tramp” kiss thing with a noodle, but it’s a little messier in real life. DEE is sucking like she just wants the whole noodle for herself.
- We see a guy performing standup at a comedy club. He suddenly scowls and we to cut to DEE and WAITRESS visibly booing and laughing hysterically in the audience. Other patrons at the club are shooting them dirty looks.
- DEE and WAITRESS both try on lipstick at a makeup store (this is so the kisses leave marks)and we watch them run out of the store (shop lifting) while an employee chases them.
- They’re eating ice cream on a park bench. WAITRESS gets some ice cream on the side of her mouth, and DEE tries wiping it off, but then she accidently smears her lipstick. DEE tries to fix it by spitting on her napkin and trying to use that to wipe off WAITRESS, but WAITRESS is disgusted by this and tries to push her away. In the struggle, they both fall off the bench and start laughing together, both covered in ice cream.
- Finally, we see DEE and WAITRESS walking to the door to Dee’s apartment, both are laughing. They pause when DEE begins to turn the key. DEE then obnoxiously bounces her eyebrows at WAITRESS. WAITRESS hesitates for a beat, before shrugging and letting DEE drag her inside.
MUSIC FADE OUT:
CUT TO:
INT. DEE’S BEDROOM
DEE and WAITRESS are both in states of undress and are sweating and panting heavily.
WAITRESS looks shocked, but not upset, like something has just changed her life forever.
DEE is wide-eyed, but undeniably smug. She lets out a whew before turning to her bedside table, lighting up a cigarette, and taking a long drag.
WAITRESS
That was…a lot better than I expected honestly…
DEE
Oh yeah? Where’d you rate me compared to everyone else at the bar?
WAITRESS grimaces.
WAITRESS
Oh my god, I’ve slept with everyone at your gross bar…
A beat.
WAITRESS
I don’t know…probably number one I guess?
DEE does a super lame pump of her fist.
DEE
AYE OH!!! Another win for Dee! I’m crushing Mac at this for sure.
WAITRESS blinks for a second.
WAITRESS
Oh yeah…your uh competition thing…
DEE
Uh duhhh that’s why we did this! Yeah. Mac’s rainbow shot idea never would have worked anyway…
WAITRESS
His what?
DEE
Oh right, I never told you what this competition was for did I? Well Mac wanted me to learn how to pour something called “rainbow shots” and I’m telling you, this thing is crazy complicated. Like we don’t have time for all that! Especially not when the bar is already gonna be super busy for pride.
WAITRESS
Wait, you did this all so you wouldn’t have to learn how to make a drink? Isn’t that like…your whole job?
DEE
Well yeah but I don’t ever actually have to make drinks.
It’s a bar! Just order a beer!
I can’t stand when a guy comes in trying to order some fruity cocktail or something- like what is your boyfriend gonna pay for it? Y’know? Get real…
WAITRESS stares at her.
WAITRESS
Are- are you genuinely being homophobic right after having sex with a woman?
DEE
I’m not being homophobic! I’m just saying- you know what? I don’t need to defend myself! Rainbow shots were a dumb idea and now, lucky for me, I’m never gonna have to make them.
WAITRESS
Unless Mac outdoes you.
DEE grabs her phone off the bedside table without looking.
DEE
Pfft yeah right. I’d like to see him try to out-gay me now-
DEE looks at her phone screen.
DEE (cont.)
OH FUCK, ITS ALMOST MIDNIGHT!
WAITRESS
What-?
DEE throws open the covers and immediately starts getting dressed.
DEE
COME ON! COME ON! We need to get to the bar before the timer runs out! GET DRESSED GODDAMMIT!
DEE tosses WAITRESS’s shirt in her direction. WAITRESS catches it.
WAITRESS
Woah! Wait we? Why do I have to be there?
DEE
Uh duhhhh because I need evidence? Come on! I am NOT losing this thing!!
CUT TO:
INT. PADDY’S PUB- Night
FRANK is sitting at the bar.
CHARLIE is at the piano while CRICKET stands on the stage at the back of the bar.
CHARLIE
Okay again in, 5, 6, 7, 8!
CHARLIE plays Green Man’s musical intro, watching intensely as CRICKET struts to the front.
CHARLIE
Okay and, hips, hips, hips! Yes!
And, strike a pose!
CRICKET poses.
When CHARLIE begins singing, CRICKET is lip syncing every word.
CHARLIE (singing)
Green Man! You used to be gay-!
MAC bursts through the door. He’s covered in sweat and glitter.
MAC
I'M HERE! AM I HERE BEFORE DEE?
CHARLIE stops playing the piano.
CRICKET stops dancing.
CHARLIE (sighing)
Okay Cricks, take five. I’ve gotta deal with some work stuff.
CHARLIE stands up and walks to the middle of the bar to face MAC.
CRICKET nods, sits down on a bar stool, and takes a sip from a bottle of water.
CHARLIE
Alright, Mac we doing this now?
MAC
IF THE TIMER RUNS OUT AND SHE'S NOT HERE I AUTOMATICALLY WIN, RIGHT?
CHARLIE glances at the timer which is still on top of the bar. It has less than a minute remaining.
CHARLIE
Alright, well Dee’s still got some time, so hold your horses.
MAC sits down on a bar stool.
MAC
Oh my god you guys, I KILLED it out there. Seriously I think I probably like broke a record or something.
DEE enters, dragging WAITRESS in with her.
DEE
What’s up, boners?
Seconds after DEE enters, the alarm goes off, DENNIS slams it.
CHARLIE (to waitress)
Oh hey, you!
WAITRESS rolls her eyes.
MAC stands up, already defensive.
MAC
I was here first! I get to speak first!
CHARLIE
Alright alright. Both of you stand over here. Frank, pay attention.
FRANK
Eh?
MAC stands to CHARLIE’s right and DEE and WAITRESS stand to his left.
CHARLIE
Alright so Mac was here first so it does seem fair that he goes first. Mac, you may present your case.
MAC
Well, first of all, I had a little bit of trouble finding gay guys to make out with at first, since The Rainbow doesn’t open till like 3pm, but when it did open, I went in there and kissed like so many dudes. Like so many! I wasn’t counting so I don’t know exactly how many, but like trust me it was a lot. Probably like fifty or more dudes.
MAC turns to DEE smugly.
MAC
Also, I blew two guys in two different bathroom stalls. And both of them were hot so I think I should get extra points for that.
CHARLIE
Hmmm this will be taken into consideration. Now Dee, the jury will hear your case.
DEE
Well I’ll start my case off with a question.
Mac? Do you have any actual proof you did those things?
As DEE speaks, it is clear she is getting more and more into her “lawyer character”.
MAC
Uh…no? But I did! You could do a DNA swab of my mouth!
DEE
I believe we agreed that all evidence must be acquired before midnight, yes?
CHARLIE
Will the record reflect that all evidence was to be required by midnight?
CHARLIE turns to DENNIS who is still setting up decorations.
DENNIS
Hmm? Why are you looking at me? I don’t give a shit.
CHARLIE turns back to the group.
CHARLIE
The record will reflect this.
DEE
For my evidence I’d like to show you all exhibit A.
DEE places an arm around WAITRESS.
DEE (cont.)
Babe? Would you mind telling these gentlemen about the day we’ve had?
WAITRESS
Uh…we like went on a date at that Italian place.
CHARLIE
YOU WHAT?
DEE
Oh yeah, and it was real romantic and also we did that lady and the tramp thing with spaghetti.
WAITRESS
Uh yeah and then we went to that comedy club thing…
DEE
Together!
The whole time CHARLIE is listening, but clearly distraught.
WAITRESS
Uh huh. And then we kissed a bunch-
DEE points at her lipstick stains.
DEE
With proof!
WAITRESS
And then we got ice cream. And then-
DEE
AND THEN WE BANGED!
DEE pumps her hips for emphasis, with a hmph!
DEE
Anyone can walk into a gay bar and blow a couple guys, but it takes a true gay spirit to really get all up in there with one lady. I think I should get bonus points for my dedication and loyalty.
The bar goes quiet for just a second.
CHARLIE (laughing nervously)
It probably sucked though, right? It was probably gross and terrible?
WAITRESS shrugs.
WAITRESS
I’ve had worse.
CHARLIE
But not with me though, right! Like I was definitely way better than Dee?
WAITRESS inhales through her teeth.
CHARLIE
DON’T ANSWER THAT!
CHARLIE puts his hands over his head.
CHARLIE (muttering to himself)
It’s alright this doesn’t count. None of this counts!
CHARLIE contains himself.
CHARLIE
Okay! So Dee got a bunch of points for that probably…
CRICKET
Why’d you pick the waitress, Dee?
Everyone turns to look at CRICKET.
DEE
WHO gives a shit? Charlie doesn’t have dibs on her!
CHARLIE
No I’m not saying that, but like you could have just gone out to some gay bar like Mac and found yourself a real-life lesbian that you don’t interact with all the time instead of someone who works right across from you.
That way you could’ve done a bunch of like CRAZY sex stuff to wrack up more points, instead of having regular sex with someone you already know.
Just saying.
DEE freezes for a moment, thinking. Everyone turns to look at her expectantly.
DEE
No because- Well the waitress was just the most convenient! Unlike Mac, I didn’t have to go searching for someone, which actually proves I’m more gay because I just hooked up with the closest woman instead of some sexy bombshell I found at a club!
WAITRESS genuinely seems hurt by this.
WAITRESS
Okay, wow! I don’t need to be here anymore if I’m just going to be insulted…
DEE
No- wait I didn’t mean-
WAITRESS leaves DEE’s side, and heads behind the bar.
WAITRESS
Save it! I don’t care about any of this, anyway! I’m just gonna take my booze and go!
WAITRESS clumsily grabs three bottles of mystery liquor and starts heading for the door, while DEE protests.
WAITRESS
For the record,! I lied earlier! I wouldn’t rank you at number one, you were like number five!
DEE (incredulously)
I WAS BELOW FRANK? YOU'RE SAYING I’M WORSE THAN FRANK?
DENNIS (suddenly interested)
Number five in terms of what? Of us? Of all of us having sex with you? Uh just curious, where would I be on that list?
WAITRESS
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU AND YOUR SISTER ARE TIED!
WAITRESS storms out, slamming the door behind her.
Everyone stares in her direction for a moment, before Dennis goes back to decorating.
DENNIS (unbothered)
Well that doesn’t even make sense. There’s five slots, none of us can be tied…
MAC points at DEE like he’s tattling.
MAC
I feel like Dee should lose points for that.
DEE
No! I’m not losing any points for that! It’s past midnight! None of this counts! Frank, tell Mac I don’t lose points for that!
FRANK looks up.
FRANK
What are you two going on about?
DEE
Our competition? HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING? You said you wanted to be the judge!
FRANK
What? When did I say that?
DEE
This morning!
FRANK
Ah. I’m gonna be real, I’ve been high as shit since breakfast so you’re gonna have to fill me in because I do not remember what this is.
MAC
Oh my god, Frank! Dee and I are trying to see who did the most gay stuff in one day so we can figure out who the gayest in the bar is.
FRANK
Alright.
MAC
I expertly, blew two dudes, and then smooched like probably a hundred guys as well. While Dee here, just like ate out the waitress or something.
DEE
Nuh uh! Not what happened! We went on a long, super romantic date, and then we had longer awesome sex with each other! Also! Mac doesn’t even have proof he did any of that stuff! The waitress confirmed all my things.
CHARLIE
Yeah but the waitress isn’t here anymore so we can’t really confirm anything…
WAITRESS
SHE ALREADY CONFIRMED IT! THAT STILL COUNTS!
FRANK
Wait so what am I judging here?
MAC and DEE groan.
DEE
WHO IS THE GAYEST AT THE BAR, FRANK!
FRANK
Oh…
FRANK pauses for a moment, thinking.
FRANK
Dennis.
DENNIS (out of frame)
Ha!
The camera pans to DENNIS who looks disinterested.
DENNIS (nonchalant)
Real mature Frank. Let me guess… is it because I get manicures from time to time? Or because I dress well? Or maybe just because I genuinely give a shit about my appearance? Well, unfortunately for you, I’m secure enough in my masculinity to where comments like that don’t bother me.
FRANK
Nah it’s ‘cause I caught you and Mac making out in the basement earlier.
The whole bar goes silent.
DEE and CHARLIE look between MAC and DENNIS in shock.
MAC looks mortified.
DENNIS seems to have frozen completely. His eyes are fixed in FRANK’s direction.
FRANK looks smug.
After a second, DENNIS laughs awkwardly, forcing a smile.
DENNIS
Uh…yeah duhh Frank, I was uh-I was just helping Mac out with the competition! He needed more guys to kiss and I mean- I didn’t want Dee to win this stupid thing so…
DENNIS struggles to find his words, he looks at MAC for help.
MAC
Yes! That’s right! He was just helping me out! Also it wasn’t really making out per say… It was just like a light peck on the lips!
FRANK turns to DEE and CHARLIE.
FRANK (cracking up)
Dennis was palming his dick through his pants!
DEE covers her ears.
DEE
EW! Jesus Christ I don’t want to hear that!
MAC
Uh that’s not-
FRANK
And if this was for the competition, Mac would’a mentioned it earlier as his evidence.
Besides, if I’m hearing this correctly, Dennis wasn’t even playing this stupid game, so he just did that ‘cause he wanted to.
MAC is looking down at his feet now, he looks comically guilty, like a child that’s been caught stealing something.
FRANK
‘Cause he’s gay.
MAC (still looking down)
Well technically he’s bisexual.
DENNIS is too numb to be angry. He speaks as if he’s zoned out.
DENNIS
Don’t..don’t put a label on it.
MAC
Right, sorry.
Another silence passes through the bar.
DENNIS
I’m gonna…I’m gonna go get that keg out of the basement…
MAC
No Dennis, remember we did that already-
DENNIS doesn’t react, he just keeps walking out.
DEE has started looking off into the distance, she is off in her own world too.
CHARLIE
Wait, Dennis, you won! Are we doing the rainbow shots or not?
DENNIS (off screen)
I don’t give a shit, let Mac take care of it.
MAC looks a little bit excited, but is still awkwardly standing there.
MAC (quietly)
Yay, rainbow shots…
Another pause.
DEE
Oh my god, I just figured it out.
Everyone halfheartedly turns to DEE.
DEE
I’m in love with the waitress!
CHARLIE
Come on Dee, you can’t copy both Mac and I. Now you just seem desperate.
DEE
I’m serious! This whole day I’ve been trying to do as much gay stuff as possible and yet, I only ever wanted to do stuff with her! It’s like Cricket said! I could have just gone to some gay bar and picked any woman I wanted-
MAC (incredulously)
Wait any woman? Dee, you seriously think you could pick up ANY woman??
DEE (ignoring him)
But I only wanted her.
CHARLIE
Wait, you can’t be in love with the waitress! That’s my thing!
DEE
Not anymore Charlie!
I’m gonna marry that woman. We’re gonna spend the rest of our lives together… we’re gonna-
I-I gotta go get her!
CHARLIE
No! You can’t do that!
DEE bolts out the door.
CHARLIE
Hey! You-
CHARLIE sighs, running his hands through his hair.
CHARLIE
I don’t have time for this right now.
Cricket! Come on, let's just head back to my place and work on our routine for tomorrow.
CRICKET nods and follows CHARLIE out of the bar.
MAC and FRANK stand alone in silence for a few seconds.
Suddenly DENNIS appears. He’s out of breath and panicked.
DENNIS
MAC! DID YOU BLOW THOSE GUYS BEFORE OR AFTER YOU CAME TO HELP ME WITH THE KEG?
MAC
Before?
DENNIS
OH GODDAMMIT, MAC!
MAC
What? Oh, OH!
DENNIS jumps over the bar and grabs hold of the soda gun, furiously spraying his mouth clean as he audibly groans against the stream of liquid.
FRANK has started cackling hysterically.
MAC (defensively)
YOU CAN’T GET MAD AT ME FOR THAT! YOU KISSED ME!
DENNIS
BECAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW WHERE YOUR MOUTH HAD BEEN!
MAC
YOU COULD HAVE ASKED!
DENNIS
I AM TO ASK EVERY TIME WE KISS IF YOU'VE BEEN SUCKING SOMEONE’S DICK?
MAC
WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED TODAY! I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA BE DOING STUFF!
DENNIS
UGHH!
(Gags)
I AM LITERALLY GOING TO KILL YOU.
MAC
Come on… don’t say that.
DENNIS finally turns off the hose, panting. The front of his shirt is soaking wet.
FRANK turns to MAC, giggling.
FRANK
So, what are your intentions with my son?
MAC
Uh…
DENNIS groans loudly.
DENNIS
Nope! We’re done! We’re breaking up! Bye!
MAC
Hey! No, come on! Dennis!
DENNIS heads out the front door.
MAC turns to FRANK defensively.
MAC
He’ll…he’ll be back. He uh… does this sometimes…
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET- Night
WAITRESS is walking home, angry.
DEE catches up behind her.
DEE
Wait! I didn’t mean that you were just some random woman! I said that because if you were some random woman, that would objectively help my case!
WAITRESS
Drop it, Dee. I don’t give a shit.
DEE
No, come on!
WAITRESS turns around to face her.
WAITRESS
Forget it! Look, I helped you with your stupid competition thingy. Just leave me alone, I don’t want to hear it.
DEE falters a bit before frowning and turning to walk away.
WAITRESS
Wait!
DEE turns around excitedly.
DEE
Yeah?
WAITRESS
You still owe me fifty bucks.
DEE sighs and digs out her wallet before handing WAITRESS her money.
WAITRESS snatches it, counting the cash to make sure it’s all there. Then she starts walking away.
WAITRESS
Have fun at your gay party or whatever.
We watch as DEE very slowly begins to turn around again and walk home.
FADE OUT:
CUE PARTY MUSIC:
FADE IN:
INT. PADDY’S PUB- Pride Night
CHARLIE is cleaning glasses behind the bar on the right-most side. FRANK sits across from him.
DENNIS is on the left, pouring drinks and chit-chatting with customers.
DEE is between DENNIS and CHARLIE. She’s swiping credit cards and fulfilling orders.
MAC is by the entrance, checking IDs and such.
The bar is loud enough to where the gang has to shout to hear each other if they aren’t already nearby.
CHARLIE (to Dennis)
SO DENNIS, ARE YOU GUYS LIKE IN A RELATIONSHIP? OR ARE YOU JUST KISSING AND STUFF?
MAC (to Charlie)
OH DENNIS DOESN'T WANT TO ANSWER QUESTIONS LIKE THAT RIGHT NOW. IT MAKES HIM UNCOMFORTABLE.
MAC is shouting loud enough to where some nearby patrons flinch.
DENNIS (to both Mac and Charlie)
CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT OUR PERSONAL LIVES IN FRONT OF OUR CUSTOMERS PLEASE?
DENNIS turns to MAC.
DENNIS
MAC! COME HERE!
MAC leaves his station and immediately leans over the bar on his elbows to listen to DENNIS.
DENNIS (quieter)
Mac, don’t tell Charlie I’m uncomfortable with relationship questions.
MAC
But you are?
DENNIS
Yes, but Charlie doesn’t need to know every single little detail of my personal life!
MAC starts doing that thing where he avoids eye contact.
MAC
I don’t think it’s really a little detail, because it’s kinda a big deal…
DENNIS
MAC, LOOK AT ME, GODDAMMIT!
MAC turns to DENNIS with those huge wet puppy eyes.
He and DENNIS stare at each other for a beat.
DENNIS’ frustration melts into even angrier lust. He very suddenly grabs MAC, who is only surprised for a second before the two start aggressively making out.
Some nearby customers look on, confused, while one or two cheer.
The camera pans to CHARLIE and FRANK Both are staring at Mac and Dennis.
CHARLIE
Huh…
FRANK looks unimpressed. CHARLIE squints at the pair for a second.
CHARLIE
They could still just be mouth-buddies…
FRANK
Nah they’re both totally gay. Look, Mac’s got his hands all over his shoulders and shit. That’s more than mouth-buddies.
CHARLIE
You think?
FRANK
Oh yeah.
The camera stays on CHARLIE and FRANK for another few seconds. Suddenly, both CHARLIE and FRANK’s eyes go wide. It is presumed MAC and DENNIS are getting crazy over there.
CHARLIE (yelling across the bar)
WOAH! OKAY BREAK IT UP YOU TWO! GET BACK TO WORK!
CHARLIE
Shit what time is it? Frank, can you tap in? I’ve gotta get Cricket ready for the show.
FRANK
I gotcha Charlie, knock ‘em dead.
CHARLIE gives FRANK an appreciative shoulder pat before hopping over the bar and heading towards the stage area. FRANK starts making his way behind the bar.
CUT TO:
DEE pours a line of rainbow shots (poorly) onto a row of glasses laid out on a small wooden board. There is spillage and other than the initial two red-ish and orange shots, the remaining drinks are all brown/grey. Regardless, DEE still looks very proud of herself and is seemingly waiting for praise. She is visibly intoxicated.
FEMALE CUSTOMER watches, unimpressed.
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Aren't they supposed to be rainbow?
DEE (annoyed)
Just take the drinks, bitch.
FEMALE CUSTOMER scowls, but begrudgingly takes the drinks.
Just as FEMALE CUSTOMER leaves, WAITRESS appears, pushing her way through to get to DEE. She is also clearly intoxicated.
WAITRESS (slurring)
I’ssat one of yer bombshell lesbians?
DEE
What are you doing here? I thought you said you never wanted to speak to me again?
WAITRESS
Oh I don’t. I’m jus’ here ‘cause I wanna prove to you how much I don’t even care. ‘Cause I’m not bothered by seeing you and stuff.
DEE
You think I’m bothered by seeing you? I don’t give a shit.
WAITRESS
You totally give a shit.
DEE
I so don’t! I don’t even know your name!
The two stare each other down for a beat, and then much like Mac and Dennis, they just sort of grab each other and start mashing lips.
FRANK absently squeezes past the two of them, reaching for a lemon wedge.
FRANK (absently)
You’re on the clock, Deandre.
DEE (between breaths)
Shut up Frank.
From the back of the pub, the speakers blare with CHARLIE’s voice.
The camera cuts to CHARLIE, who is now dressed as the Green Man.
CHARLIE
Ladies and gentlemen and other various gender-ed guests, I invite you all now, to witness the talented Miss Ladybug!
“Miss Ladybug” turns around to reveal that it’s CRICKET in drag.
GREEN MAN THEME STARTS:
ROLL CREDITS: