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Dan’s depression comes in waves.
Tonight the tide had rolled in close to land and Phil found him laying knocked out in his bedroom at around 9:30 pm, tangled up in damp sheets staring at the ceiling with distant, sullen eyes. He had been in here for the whole day.
”Hey…”, Phil says softly as he enters the room.
The bed dips beneath his weight. He quickly finds Dan’s bare ankle underneath the blanket and tugs at it.
”Wanna come drink rosé and watch stupid reality TV with me?”
Dan is quiet. He continues to stare, emotionless, up at nothing. Phil waits for him. Carefully stroking his calf, letting him process the information without any stress or discomfort. Eventually a large exhale leaves Dan’s lungs and he begins the slow process of levering himself up from the bed. Phil helps by pulling him up by the hand.
They make their way to the living room. Still hand in hand while Dan shuffles his tired feet along the floorboards until he is close enough to flop down on the sofa.
”Here you go”, Phil says and hands Dan a tall glass filled with sparkling rosé.
Phil knows that alcohol and antidepressants should probably not be consumed together when the tide gets this high. He also knows that the only food Dan has had today is the toast that he had practically forced him to eat. The third thing Phil also happens to know is that Dan likes to pretend that he is normal more than he cares about his own wellbeing. And Phil is a good boyfriend in that sense - he allows Dan to indulge in these kinds of mood altering schemas if he wants to.
Dan accepts the glass and takes a hesitant sip.
Then, almost like it has become second nature to Phil, he reaches for Dan’s laptop that has been charging on the side-table and drops it ceremoniously - still attached to the charger - onto his boyfriend’s lap.
Dan instinctively spreads his legs and cradles the laptop between his naked thighs. He places a hand on top of the lid, almost like it was a small cat or dog made out of metal that has climbed up into his lap. Laid down cosily and getting ready to sleep.
A content sigh leaves his throat at the contact with the aluminum.
”Hot.”
”Yeah… he has been charging for you all day. I put him in Power Nap”, Phil hums as he makes himself comfortable on the sofa next to him. He reaches out for his own glass of rosé with a huff, then lets himself fall backwards again before he takes a mouthful.
Dan opens the lid with one hand and starts typing in his password by using only his index finger. The process is kind of slow, but he eventually gets the hang of it. As soon as he gets inside he proceeds to open up tumblr and immediately he starts scrolling his way down the flashy timeline.
”How’s the wine?”
”Mgh…”, Dan grumbles. ”Way too sweet. It tastes like summer.”
He says the last word with apparent distaste. Phil swirls around the remaining liquid in his own glass before he dunks it all down in one large gulp.
”Hm… summer in a glass. Fruity.”
He refills it before he sinks down among the cushions and turns his attention back to the TV. Phil is an easygoing guy. He finds it comfortable to wind down and drown out his thoughts with Below Deck re-runs in the evening. He would gladly do this everyday, for the rest of his life. His arm loops around Dan on the backrest of the sofa. Phil does not say it out loud even though he would like to point it out - but he feels very satisfied with his success of coaxing Dan out of his room.
They sit like this for some time. The bottle of rosé gradually disappears in front of their faces.
Phil snorts a little whenever something funny happens on the TV, groans whenever the drama is too over-the-top, and whenever it gets too boring he glances over to snoop on whatever Dan is doing. He has ended up reading a rather large post about a guy working with maintenance of an old roller-coaster ride. He has stopped on a photo that highlights some sort of rust covered mechanical part that needs to get replaced.
Eventually Phil notices that Dan’s attention to the actual content has turned rather distant. He looks lost in thought, head slightly tilted to the side, bottom-lip nipped between his teeth. His sullen face has softened - cheeks tinted with a cheeky, light-pink hue. His eyes are glossy, sparkling slightly in the reflective light of the screen. The fingers of Dan’s right hand are carefully caressing the long silvery bottom of the laptop, allowing his curious finger-tips to soothe along the sharp edge. He licks his lips and his Adam's apple moves as he swallows down thickly.
”Someone is settling in”, Phil hums with a smile.
Dan jerks and glances up at Phil, surprised by his presence. But just as quickly he seems to remember where he is and his eyes droop and his shoulders visibly relax. He takes the opportunity of consciousness to squeeze himself deeper into the sofa crease, pulling the laptop higher up onto his almost naked lap.
”M’ getting there”, Dan murmurs softly.
He almost sounds shy.
The blush darkens on Dan’s cheeks and Phil hints at what he believes to be a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. He loves seeing his boyfriend enjoying himself. Whenever Dan gets smiley and giddy and overwhelmed by pure, childlike joy, it immediately becomes the greatest moment in Phil’s life too.
Phil has thought long and hard about the reason for this.
He has tried to make sense of why this intense feeling of fondness hits him, especially whenever the source of happiness comes from Dan engaging in his weird habits. He almost feels protective of him. Maybe even a tad obsessive. Like he is the only person in the world that would, and could, allow Dan this. This unproblematic life with him. To authentically be himself, be Dan, and indulge in whatever it is his brain desires in order to feel good. Phil is almost sure of that. That Dan could not have it better anywhere else.
Phil’s thin string of attention gets tugged at by a disappointed voice coming from the TV. It belongs to the captain of the yacht. He has to inform one of the members in the deck team that they have to be let go because of a docking incident, and the girl is crying. Large, fat tears rolling down her caked up cheeks. Phil almost feels bad for her, it was not solely her fault.
However, a murmuring sound to his right pulls at his brain-string in another direction.
”Machines are so generous…”
Phil glances toward Dan.
”Yeah? How so?”
Dan blinks slowly, his eyes are moist. His hair is greasy and unruly. The blush on his cheeks has spread further and formed darker splotches down his stubbly jawline. Dan strokes his finger from the trackpad down to the side again, slowly continuing his slow caress of the silvery surface.
”They just keep on giving… don’t they? Expecting… nothing in return. And then… then one day they just break. Quick and dirty. And it’s so funny… because I can just get a new one.”
Phil tries to process the information before he settles on the only answer his brain can provide him.
”And what about you?”
Dan’s mouth falls open. Closes. Opens again. His gaze turns puzzled.
”It’s not to break if it’s already useless.”
Phil looks down at where Dan’s cradling the laptop in his lap. How he seems to push it down further onto himself with small adjustments of his other hand, like he wants to become one with the aluminum. The fingers of his right hand never falters in their slow, dancing caress.
”Useless or… unwanted?”
Dan looks up at him then. The sparkle in his eyes is even more intense than earlier. It is like something has finally woken up and came to life - risen to the surface - inside of Dan. He has just taken a few successful strokes and started to swim. Fresh air pumping into his otherwise deprived lungs. The oxygen is turning him loose and woozy and giddery and alive and flushed. Phil can not help but love it.
Now Dan is staring at him with those huge, dilated eyes that Phil cannot help but adore. It momentarily swoops him back to an old memory in his green bedroom, when Dan hovered above him in bed for the first time. His eyes evokes such a deep sense of trust that Phil’s heartbeat momentarily spikes in a hurtful flutter.
Then Dan licks his lips and whispers: ”Unwanted.”
Phil notices the shift of Dan’s hips. The beginning of a slow grinding-motion against the flat, hot weight covering his scrotum. Phil’s hand latches onto Dan’s naked thigh and wraps his fingers around the soft pudge. Sweat is building up by the clamminess of his skin.
”You know... that you are going to cook them if you keep this up” Phil states quietly.
A small groan leaves Dan’s throat and he hastily returns his gaze to the laptop. His fingers run seductively along the further edge of the base while the other hand keeps pushing it down so that it lies flushed against him. Dan’s touch is so light, so gentle. He has always had his way with his hands and fingers. Careful and cautious with a featherlight touch to all the things he truly adores. A gentle lover in every sense, and in every way that he possibly can.
The laptop wobbles again and finally it dawns for Phil what is making the surface so unstable - Dan’s growing bulge furiously poking into it from underneath.
”Mh… but I don't want them, Phil. They are unwanted”, he pouts.
He sounds a bit delirious and for a brief moment it makes Phil hesitate on all of this. Maybe, just maybe, he should not allow Dan to engage in this behavior as much as he already does.
”Dan. You are going to shoot blanks by your thirties.”
A shudder travels through Dan and he sighs softly. It sounds way too pleased of a reaction for what Phil is implying. Then Dan swallows thickly again and continues.
”Phil. We are already sooo insanely fucked either way. The planet. The human race. This whole thing. There is no point in- in passing my genes on for this fucking shitshow. Make babies. I- I don't even want to be a part of it-”
The room turns quiet besides the whirring noise of the laptop-fans. They have started to struggle to do their job properly inside the ever-charging, closed up and way too thinly constructed machine.
”-and… and besides I am gay... and I already have you.”
Phil strokes a gentle hand along Dan’s thigh. Even though he dislikes the thought of Dan damaging himself, this ritual, or whatever Phil’s poor mind tries to categorize it as, has done wonders for his wellbeing. Nothing can quite cheer Dan up in the same way that Phil, a deep doomscroll and some casual self harm does.
”Dan…”, he tries softly.
”And also… being blank is kind of my aesthetic”, Dan huffs out with a grin.
An honest to god grin. Phil’s brain circuits. He gets so happy at the sight of his boyfriend’s smile that he can feel his heart throb in excitement and a pulse of pleasure roll through him. It feels comfortable and warm.
”Everyone is doing it Phil…”
”Huh?”, he hums, distracted by the conflicting feelings swirling around inside of him.
”Destroying themselves on household electronics. We are all doing it. We are already giving up so, so much of ourselves to them.”
Phil continues to run his hand along Dan’s thigh. He is starting to get real worked up and the sweat and warmth has built up due to the accumulated heat.
It is getting harder and harder for Phil to think rationally. His thoughts are slow and incoherent - his brain toying around with his impulses and morals. The situation has caused the blood in his head to taunt him by slowly pulsating down south in sluggish, agonizing beats. He is losing more and more rationality by every single throb. Dan is sitting in front of him, smiling, his body visibly aroused - with flushed cheeks, heavy breathing and stuttering hips - needing something that Phil can allow him to have.
He would be awful not to let him have it.
He should just let him have it.
So Phil says: ”Show me. I know you want to. Show me while you wank yourself off.”
Dan looks up at Phil with something akin to surprise before he proceeds to look down at his groin. A visible shudder shakes his body, making his hips snap upwards against the laptop. A moan slips out as he ruts himself against it.
”I- I am sorry Phil… It’s just so- I am so- I can’t help it… I get so hard. Phil…”
Phil pinches his borrowed underwear between his thumb and index finger and tugs at it gently.
”You should remove these.”
Dan looks up at him and their eyes meet. He looks relieved. Slowly Dan pushes the laptop to the side and starts pulling his pants down over his butt until they snap around his lower thighs. His cock springs free and slaps up against his stomach. The revealed skin is red and irritated and blisters are covering his upper thighs and scrotum. Everything looks kind of burnt.
A feeling of remorse hits Phil for a split second before he hastily looks up at Dan again, searching for something to soothe his virtue. The smile orchestrating his boyfriend’s face immediately pulls him into a warm, soft and safe embrace. Lulls him. Nurtures his soul. It is telling him that this is okay, he is happy like this, and Phil does not know if it is okay, but he can feel his own cock throb and fill out in response.
Dan grabs hold of the whirling laptop and then places it directly over his testicles again. He hisses in a sharp breath of air as the burning underside makes direct contact with his blistered skin.
”Hhhhhsh.”
At first it looks like his whole body is trying to shy away from the scorching pain, but then Dan’s shoulders and torso goes still and he relaxes into it with a long pleased exhale.
His cock throbs pleasantly against his stomach and some precum rolls down the shaft.
”Fuck Dan…”, Phil whispers.
A groan leaves Dan’s throat and carefully he starts circulating his hips against the hot surface. Tiny, smooth movements. He grabs onto the laptop with both hands and pulls it closer towards him - so that his cock-head can rub against the silver. It is a practiced motion, Phil knows that much.
”Ahh-ah…”, Dan whimpers and drops his head back against the backrest.
His whole body seems to relax into the sensation and the only thing Phil can do is watch. Watch when his boyfriend rubs his glans against a scolding hot computer. Watch as he is probably burning away his fertility one night at the time. It should not make Phil feel this good to watch it. But Dan looks so happy, so aroused. How could he deny him this?
Dan’s hips have started to rut faster now. Phil feels like he wants to participate in some type of way, to help him feel good. He clears his throat.
”Dan… tell me- tell me what you’re doing to yourself.”
Phil’s hand returns to Dan’s thigh. He squeezes it gently to draw some attention. Dan responds by angling his head down again to watch himself while he masturbates. The sight seems to spur him on, making him fuck up against the edge harder with urgent, stuttering jerks.
”Ahh… I’m- I’m fucking myself against- against him. I’m- I’m giving away myself-”
Another deep shudder travels through Dan. He moans sweetly, it almost turns into a whimper as he stretches out his legs, letting them quiver in the wave of pleasure. Phil can see that he doesn’t want to hold on to the surface of the laptop with too much force. The hold looks a bit wonky. Too gentle.
”Mhh… and why is that?”, Phil whispers.
He has shuffled closer so that his head lies besides Dan on the backrest. One hand is resting on top of his boyfriend’s heated flesh, while the other one palms at himself lazily on top of his sweatshorts. He can feel himself leaking into his pants.
”I don’t want- don’t want them to be a part of this.”
Dan is sobbing now. It is starting to get too much for him to handle. Phil is impressed with how long he has been able to hold himself off for tonight. He wants to help Dan come, so his hand starts to slowly caress along his thigh-skin. Inwards. Towards the heat. Towards the damaged goods. The heat underneath Dan’s artificial lover is worse than what he expected and a part of him really wants to retort his hand, but he is determined to hold it there.
As he reaches the scrotum he whispers, close to Dan’s ear: ”They’re all going to die.”
It is the right thing to say as Dan moans deeply and thrust, hard, upwards against the laptop. His cockhead leaks and throbs with almost every rock of his hips, smearing and rubbing into the aluminium and dripping down messily onto his stomach. He is so close now, Phil can tell.
The skin of his neck and face is flushed red and sweaty from overwhelming arousal - his face contorted into one of agonized desperation. He is mewling and groaning and trashing with his legs, the grip of his precious laptop never tightens but Phil can see that he is really struggling to hold back now. It looks like he wants to use force. Push himself inside of it, fuse together with it. One of the groans turns into a guttural moan as it leaves his body on an exhale.
”Oh god- oh fuck Phil- my soldiers- they’re - ahhhhg- marching straight into the fire.”
Phil takes the opportunity to push Dan’s balls upwards from beneath the laptop, ultimately pressing them even further into the burning-hot surface. Maximizing the sensation along with the damage.
Dan sobs. Dan shrieks.
”A-a-aaaaagh!”
Dan comes. Hard.
His whole body goes rigid and his come spurts up all over his stomach and torso in long thin streaks.
Dan’s whole body is shaking vigorously, his torso heaving, his eyes squeezed shut. Yet a few deep breaths are enough for him to gather himself up enough to laugh. The laughter is teetering on the brink of a cry, but the sound is filled to the brim with eye-watering pleasure of relief and joy. The orgasm is certainly filling him up with everything that Dan’s brain naturally is the most deprived of.
The emotional release of his boyfriend is so strong that Phil can not help himself but to come right into his own pants at the sight of it all.
”Hnnnggh!”, he squeals and convulses forward. His hand pushing down onto his groin as he makes a mess of himself inside of his pants.
His boyfriend. Happy. At peace. Laughing.
It is like Phil's body has gotten re-wired to get aroused whenever his partner, his soul mate, Dan, is feeling good. He cannot longer achieve this feeling in any other way except for when he is with Dan. Maybe they really are bound together by a tight, invisible string threaded by the universe. He knows that Dan does not believe in it, but he certainly does.
It is the best thing in the whole world and Phil can have it whenever he wants, if he makes sure Dan also gets what he wants.
And Dan loves his laptop. He loves to sink into the sofa and doomscroll endlessy until his eyes bleed. He loves Phil. He loves this life with him.
Phil is almost sure of that. That Dan could not have it better anywhere else.
He is almost sure.