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“They don’t play by the same rules as us, Ewron!” Ash spoke angrily, the words tensing around his tongue in desperation. “You can not outsmart … any of them. We need -”
“Do not take him.” Ewron interrupted Ash with a forced stoicism. “You can take me…”
Ewron’s voice began to fade out of Ash’s mind. It was hopeless, he knew it, he had borrowed far too much time. He was lucky Cucurucho hadn’t come sooner and he almost wished that he had. If Cucurucho had come sooner then maybe being taken wouldn’t hurt this bad. Maybe Ewron offering himself up to take Ash’s place, wouldn’t fill his chest with indescribable pain. Maybe the fact that Ewron betrayed his trust and somehow Ash still cares wouldn’t feel so terrible. Maybe then he could have avoided all of the attachment which made the restraints of Cucurucho even more painful.
“This is how it always ends.” Ash states, disappointed in himself more than anything. He felt the tears falling vaguely. He observes how they change his voice and make him sound weak. How could he have let himself do this again? “This is how it always ends.”
“Ash, Ash, trust me.” Hearing Ewron say his name brought him back to the moment in front of him. “They don’t have your heart. They don’t have your heart!” Ewron’s voice tensed as Cucurucho lifted towards the sky.
“I tried…” Ash muttered to himself and retreated back into his mind. “I tried… trusting.” It was an admittance of failure. The same mistake time and time again. When would he ever learn?
“Do not take him.” Ewron’s voice reverted back to its militancy. Ash realized it was futile to convince Ewron that he was powerless against these forces. How could they have both been so naive?
“I’m going… back.” Ash spoke the words carefully, testing how his mouth formed the simple sentence. Then, like a child refusing to eat its vegetables, he rejected it quickly. “Not again, not again…” He felt himself get pulled up.
“Ash I will get you, I will get you, I will get you Ash.” Ewron’s voice rose and his desperate promise should have been comforting but it was just static.
“Not again…”
“ASHhh…” Ewron’s screams faded into the trees of Camp Fatal and a wet gasp escaped from Ash at the realization that suddenly he was alone. For his whole time on the island, Ash had tried his best to resist the other islanders' attempts at creating a family. He had failed from the very beginning, his protectiveness of the Regime members a testament to his care. And then there was Juan, whose painting still lived in Ash’s pocket. And his siblings, Don and Katie, whom he never opened up to yet they still hugged him back. And Ewron, who had given away Ash’s heart and yet leaving him behind may have hurt the most of all. Part of Ash wanted to believe his friend, a narcissist, pathological liar and priest, would find him. However, he knew that was never how this story ended.
How had he let himself believe such things? How had he attached himself to everyone and at the same time attached himself to nothing? Ash was so stupid, so unbelievably stupid. This had happened before. Even if he didn't fully remember, he knew that this was a mistake in his programming or whatever it was that made up his brain. He wasn't supposed to do this, and yet, he did.
“Not again…” Ash took a deep breath before facing his captor. He paused for a moment, waiting for the end and feeling scared when it didn’t come. “Why did you let me live for so long?” He knew there would be no answer and it didn’t matter because he already knew why: he had failed, he was weak and he needed to feel the pain.
“We hope you enjoy the island.”
12 years earlier, Federation Laboratories
“We hope you enjoy the testing.” Cucurucho smiles and, even at just ten years old, Ash finds no comfort in the expression. Ash’s ears are ringing profusely as his eyes focus on the misleading grin. His good eye squinting as it readjusts to the bright light and abundance of white. His other eye buzzes along with the crying obsidian infection that had turned the left side of his face pitch black and speckled purple.
Cucurucho turned to walk to the side of Ash, expanding Ash’s view of the room. It was a small testing room, not much different to the one’s had been in before. He looks down at himself and becomes aware of the large metal chair that swallows his little body whole. Still, his forearms are strapped down to the arms of the chair by metal restraints and his legs are restricted in a similar fashion.
Don’t resist. He reminds himself internally. His chosen-older brother Don had always reminded him not to panic when he was restrained for a test. Panic just made the metal grow tighter and the testing more painful.
Ash doesn’t know how he ended up here. The last thing he remembered was returning to his room after being in the Play Room. Before that he had been building a house out of blocks with his sister Katie while their older brother Don watched from a nearby table. Ash had been good all day and remembered falling asleep content.
Why was he here? He had been good.
Ash’s eyes moved from the restraints at his forearms to the IV farther up. His gaze followed the cord carefully to the side of the room where Cucurucho was standing along with other employees in yellow hazmat suits. The IV machine held a purple liquid and Ash couldn’t help but tense.
“It’s not a testing day.” Ash’s meek voice echoed off the walls. He knew he was right, Don knew the schedules and would have warned Ash if something was supposed to happen.
“How observant, A.” Cucurucho tilted his head and stepped closer to Ash again. He lifted his paw to Ash’s cheek and Ash instinctively leaned towards him, craving any sense of comfort from an apparent paternal figure. “Curiousity killed the cat.”
Ash furrowed his brow but knew better than to ask another question. Cucurucho’s paw was soft and Ash winced when it was pulled away.
“We hope you enjoy the testing.”
Cucurucho nodded towards one of the Federation employees who readjusted the bag of purple liquid to open it up into the tube that led directly into Ash’s veins.
“No, no, no, no…” Ash shook his head helplessly as he attempted to lean away from the vicious liquid crying obsidian approaching him at a rapid pace. There was nothing he could do but yell out a blood curdling scream as the purple filled his vein, made its way to his heart and burned everything that it touched. The crying obsidian infection on his face buzzed viciously, creating an discomforting and uncontrollable sensation. Tears streamed down his cheek and simmered against his too-hot skin. He wriggled under the restraints to no avail: it was hopeless.
“Do not worry, A.” Cucurucho’s voice blended into the screams, steaming and buzzing but somehow he was still the loudest thing in Ash’s ears. “This medicine is good for you.”
Ash screamed again and again, his voice hoarse as the purple found its way to his throat. It was difficult to distinguish the source of each scream because the pain was everywhere. He couldn’t think or feel anything but pain.
Ash was thankful because eventually Cucurucho offered him some relief and the IV stopped flowing. The pain was still absolute and encompassing, but duller as it coursed through Ash’s veins with each throb of his heart. He stopped writhing in the chair and felt himself collapse back into the seat with desperate breaths. As Cucurucho walked over, Ash wished that he could sit up straight and anticipate the next move, but the exhaustion overtook everything too quickly. Cucurucho’s paw found Ash’s dangling head and lifted his chin. The softness was nice.
“Weak.” Cucurucho noted simply like he was commenting on some uninteresting story in the newspaper.
Ash nodded hoping to convey his apologies without words. Cucurucho was right, he was always right, and Ash just wanted the paw to stay there gently against his chin.
“We have a new challenge for you today.” Cucurucho’s smile stayed constant. Ash decided to focus on it in his painful and exhausted haze.
Cucurucho turned back to his workers and signaled for them to pull a lever next to the door. The white furry paw then shifted Ash’s head to face forward towards the blank white wall. The room began to vibrate slightly and Ash felt his stomach tense at the uncertainty. Then, the wall in front of him began to rise into the ceiling. A secret door, like the ones he read about in the storybooks during weekly playtimes. The raised wall revealed reinforced glass dividing the room Ash was in from the one next door. Ash tried his best to prevent his eyes from drooping lazily as the wall raised slowly but surely and revealed more of the situation. First, he took note of the familiar pants of a Federation worker uniform standing next to the legs of a patient’s grey sweatpants. Next, the white hands of the worker revealed some sort of device. Ash’s eyes switched to the patient as the wall rose up to the face of a teenage boy that he knew all too well.
Don’s eyes met Ash’s immediately, frantic and searching. “What the fuck?” Don turned to the Federation worker next to him and yelled furiously. His voice was muffled through the glass, but Ash understood what he was saying. “What did they do to him? Let him go, you freaks, oh my god…”
“Please, please, please…” Ash begged although he wasn’t exactly sure what he was asking for. He tried to shake his head but Cucurucho’s grip strengthened to hold his chin still.
“Cucurucho. Torture me instead, he’s ten years old you can’t…” Don huffed angrily and looked down to his feet. “I’m seventeen. I can take it. I deserve it. Teach me a lesson instead.”
Cucurucho tilted his head curiously at Don and then let go of Ash’s chin with an aggressive push. Ash’s head bobbed around for a moment, unable to keep itself upright.
“Fuck this.” Don shook his head and turned to the Federation worker before turning invisible. The Federation worker was suddenly tackled to the ground and it attempted to defend itself from a powerful boy it could not see. The attack did not last long as Don appeared once again curling over himself and hugging his chest. Don had never told Ash directly but he had seen the scars: the Federation had put a shocking device inside Don so they could control him while he was invisible. The Federation worker scrambled away to the corner of the room, his remote controller that was connected to Don in hand, and looked at Cucurucho frantically. The electrical shocks seemed to subside but all Don could muster was pushing his back against the wall opposite Ash while being seated on the floor to catch his breath. Don maintained eye contact with his brother throughout his maneuvering to the obviously painful position.
“Tsk tsk.” Cucurucho said and even with such a monotone voice, Ash could almost hear him sigh. “We don’t have time for such frivolous things D. If you attack again, we will play our own games.”
Cucurucho nodded to the worker in the room Ash was in and the worker moved to the IV again. Ash couldn’t even bother to shake his head and instead clenched his teeth in anticipation. Not in front of Don. Not in front of-
Ash’s thoughts were cut off by the scream erupting from his lungs. It burned everywhere and somehow more painfully than before as the purple serum worked its way over just-healing wounds. Ash writhed violently in the chair, desperate for an escape or an out. He thought he heard Don yelling something but he couldn’t focus on it in the flurry of pain. Then it stopped, leaving just a lingering ache, and Ash collapsed back into the chair again breathing violently.
When Ash opened his eyes, he immediately found Don’s eyes in the other room. The older boy had moved to stand up, but still leaned against the wall in full dependence for its support.
“Hey bro, it’s ok. It’s going to be ok.” Don mustered up some comforting words but it did nothing for Ash’s quickening breath and sore veins.
“D, this requires silence from you.” Cucurucho stepped in between Ash’s view of Don and the glass barrier. “A, we have a simple task for you. You are ready to harness your true powers. In order to pass this test, you must demonstrate the beginnings of such.”
“How?” Ash was surprised by the raspiness of his voice. He would do anything to make this all end.
“You will know.” Cucurucho’s smile remained constant. “Just accept the obsidian, A.”
Ash shook his head as furiously as he could because he didn’t know how to harness his powers. He had never once even considered that the glitches on his face and constant experimentation could mean something more than pain.
Ash vaguely picked up on Cucurucho nodding towards the Federation worker in Don’s room and shifted his eyes towards the other room. Don began convulsing again and fell to catch himself on the floor. He grasped his chest desperately and Ash stared in horror watching his older brother so vulnerable. Ash completely missed the movement to the side of him where Cucurucho had moved to the IV. He didn’t understand what was happening until the liquid was injected into his skin with striking force.
Pain. God, so much pain. Ash writhed and squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to stop his infection from becoming more agitated. He felt the crying obsidian angrily piercing at his skin, as if wanting out. He opened his eyes again to see Don on the floor. Don was hurt.
“He’s dying.” Cucurucho’s voice was loud in Ash’s ears.
Don was dying.
Ash was in pain. So much pain. He closed his eyes again and retreated into his mind.
Pain.
Don.
Pain.
Pain.
Pain.
“He’s dying.”
Ash was dying.
Don.
Pain.
Ash needed out.
Don.
Pain. Pain Pain. Pain. Pain.
BOOM!
...
Ash opened his eyes amongst his frantic breaths, unable to finish one breath before another began. He wasn’t sure how, but he was standing out of the chair. His eyes were unfocused distantly on the floor in front of him and his whole body felt like it was vibrating. The infected particles were glitching violently around his face. Still, tears fell from his good eye which burned the infected skin. He was no longer in pain, the IV must have fallen out when he stood up.
His breathing didn’t shift in erraticness, but it became more normal and manageable after a minute or so. His eyes began to lift to his surroundings, specifically to the left of him where Cucurucho had last stood. He wouldn’t be too happy that his subject had escaped the restraints. The IV bag had exploded the purple liquid all over the floor. Next to the mess were two Federation workers laying on the floor unconscious and Cucurucho next to them. Ash felt nothing at the sight, unable and unwilling to process. The ceiling lights were flickering and produced darkened shadows along the walls.
Ash returned his focus to the buzzing throughout his body, a deep sensation of something that had peaked and was now settling back into his skin and heart. Power. Had he done this to the workers? His breath somehow quickened even more. He hadn’t meant to hurt anyone. He had just needed to get out because he was in pain and….
Don. Ash flipped his attention in front of him and his eyes quickly found Don pushing himself off the ground in the corner of the room. He remained keeled over and in obvious pain as he also gained awareness of the situation. The Federation worker in his room was on the ground like his colleagues which meant that whatever power Ash had just dispelled had thankfully spared Don. The glass barrier between the two boys was still intact and Ash was still trapped, those were unchangeable facts.
Don made eye contact with his brother helplessly. Ash had never considered that Don would not know what to do, but confusion was better than fear. Ash didn’t know what he would do if Don had seen him as a monster. The tears rolling down his cheek began to fall more steadily along with his ragged breaths. He felt something soften within his chest and the buzzing increased for a moment forcing Ash to close his eyes. There was a temporary feeling of weightlessness and when Ash opened his eyes again, Don was right in front of him with wide eyes of shock.
“Did you just…” Don spoke slowly, as if uncertain this wasn’t all a dream. “Teleport?”
Ash didn’t wait a moment longer before barreling towards his brother's chest and wrapping his arms around the older boy. Don huffed at the sudden pressure but quickly settled one arm around Ash’s back while the other found his neck. Don fell into the wall behind him and carefully slid down as he was struggling to keep himself upright. His chest still ached vigorously but it was easier to forget about it with Ash in his arms. Ash adjusted to sit in his brother's lap on the ground but his cheek never left Don’s heart as the hold strengthened.
“It’s ok, you’re ok, you did so good…” Don whispered carefully as he still wasn’t really sure what to do. All he knew is that he would do anything for his baby brother to stop shaking so ferociously. At the very least, he needed Ash to breathe somewhat normally. Don was admittedly scared. He had just watched light purple waves fly from the small boy's body, it was something he hoped he would never witness again. It looked painful and no ten year old should have to experience that. Even in all that confusion, whatever Ash had expelled from his body had known not to injure Don. It struck him with a terrible feeling that this moment was proof of how much Don meant to Ash. He would try to live up to those standards everyday for the rest of his life, to make up for the fact that Don had failed to protect his brother from this. He knew that with Ash at this level of power and Cucurucho on the ground, that they probably could escape. But now all that matters was the fact that Ash had forgotten how to breathe and they were both sore from the recent pain. “I’m so proud of you.”
“They- they- they-” Ash’s attempt at a sentence was broken up by his sobs and he clawed his hands deeper into the grey sweatshirt.
“I need you to breathe bro. Please.” Don began to work his hand through Ash’s curls in an attempt to sooth him.
“They were gonna-” Ash felt his chest tightened as his throat fought against the words. “They were going to kill you.” Ash felt some of the tension in his muscles relax as he got the sentence out of this system. Still, his breath kept catching before he could inhale any oxygen significantly. “I’m gonna-” Ash felt the world start spinning.
“Ash. Ash. Listen to me. Ash. Listen to me.” Don began to shake the boy in his arms violently. After seeing Ash’s consciousness was still fading, Don froze for a moment and then shifted Ash so his ear was over Don’s heart. “I’m here bro, and I need you to breathe for me.”
There was darkness creeping into Ash’s eyesight but it began to fade as soon as the familiar thump of a heart entered his eardrums. At first he matched his breath to the beat but eventually he found a way to match the rise and fall of Don’s albeit panicked chest. He kept his eyes on the lower half of Don’s face.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Don’s face fell into his brother’s mess of dark curls. He kept the boy attached to his chest, practically cradling him.
Ash was relieved that his body had decided to work again but with the intake of oxygen the aching pain in his veins became more apparent. He could still feel the bright purple coursing through his bloodstream and on occasion he would flinch from within the protective hold of Don.
“They were going to kill you.” Ash whispered again into the stale air.
“I know.” Don sighed and lifted his head to look at the ceiling. “But please remember that I’m the adult here, I can handle it. I don’t want you to put yourself in danger for me.”
“You’re not even a real adult.” Ash pointed out solemnly. “Still pretty old though.”
Don chuckled softly and tried to repress any reaction to the sting it caused in his chest.
“Thank you Don.” Ash’s voice fell back to seriousness.
“For what? I should be thanking you.”
“For not being scared of me right now.” Ash shut his eyes tightly, bracing for the impact. Cucurucho's hugs had only ever been followed with pain and part of Ash was waiting for the blow. He had made a mistake. So many mistakes, really. “For… this.” Despite his fear, Ash tightened his hold on Don anyway, he couldn’t help it
“Of course Ash.” Don’s voice became soft and he felt tears well in his eyes. How had he ever let them do this to his brother? “I would never hurt you. You know that, right?”
Ash nodded quickly and let tears fall out of his own eyes. He didn’t deserve this but he had never felt safer than that moment in Don’s arms. The moment was rudely interrupted by the door to the room slamming open. In their panicked frenzy, neither boy had noticed that Cucurucho had gotten up in the room on the other side of the glass.
“The test has ended. You will now be returned to your rooms.”
“No, no, no, Don, I can’t, I can’t…” Ash mumbled under his breath so that just Don could hear it. He closed his eyes tightly and pushed closer into Don as if he could melt through him and hide away forever in that spot in his lap.
“You stupid fucking Feds.” Don turned to speak to the intruders. “After everything he’s been through today, you’ve got to let me stay with him.”
“Subjects do not room together at night.” Cucurucho stated the rule with such certainty.
“I don’t care about your stupid protocols. He is going to die if someone doesn’t help him through this right now.” Don shifted Ash to shield his face away from the Federation guards who entered the room after their boss.
“You will now be returned to your rooms.”
“No.”
“You will now be returned to your rooms.”
“Try it you fucking freak.”
“You will now be returned to your rooms.”
“Don’t you want him to be attached to me so he can do it again?”
Cucurucho paused at the question and Don took pride in his ability to psychoanalyze the Federation’s plan. Ash’s powers had only ever been successfully used when his loved one was on the line; that was an invaluable resource for future testing.
“No, no, no…” Ash shook his head as his mind wrapped around the thought of everything happening again. He wanted nothing more than to stay buried against Don’s chest, but it struck him how that brotherly love had just been used to hurt him and make him a monster.
“The test has ended. You will now be returned to your rooms.” Cucurucho deemed Don’s argument insufficient.
“Fuck you!” Don gritted through his teeth,
The Federation guards began to walk over to where Ash and Don had curled up in the far corner. Their handcuffs rattled on their side and glowed blue with electricity coursing through them. It was then that Don made a difficult decision: Ash could not take more physical pain. Yes, the mental pain from being torn from Don would be difficult to repair, but Don was genuinely sure that if those electrical handcuffs were used on Ash, his fragile body would not survive it. The Federation had no clue how weak Ash was, but Don could feel the frail body in his hands and he was certain he was right. Ash was running on adrenaline alone and any additional shocks to his physical systems would be devastating.
“Ok, fine, fine, fine– just… WAIT.” Don removed one hand from Ash’s back to hold out his palm to the guards. “I’ll let you take him, but you have to promise me you'll take him straight to his bed. No more testing.”
Cucurucho said nothing and the Federation guards stopped walking.
“Otherwise I will just turn invisible right now and take him with me. After the day we’ve all had, the first option definitely seems more appealing.” Don gestured to the Federation workers still knocked out on the ground and the broken electrical controller next to him. “You don’t want this to be difficult.”
“We agree to your terms.” Cucurucho’s words were impatient. Don would just have to believe his word.
Don didn’t waste a second before leaning down to Ash’s ears. He felt that Ash’s consciousness was fading and the boy looked up at Don with wide, confused eyes. The pupils swam in the light purple iris, trying to piece together why the man holding him could possibly think it was ok to just give him away like he was nothing.
“I’m sorry Ash, this is what’s best right now.” Don spoke softly and felt the Federation guards advancing. “Just rest, I promise I will protect you. You need to trust me.”
“No, no, no, no…” Ash’s voice was barely audible under the rasp of his voice and his weakening grip on reality. “Don’t let them… take me. They’ll do it again… I can’t, I can’t-”
“I know Ash, I know.” Don adjusted his arms, moving from where he had been untangling Ash’s hair to squeeze the boy's shoulder. “Trust me.”
Ash continued to shake his head because his vocal chords had stopped cooperating with his brain. The aching in his blood vessels was becoming more pronounced and everything felt fuzzy. His mouth was cotton and his feet were dumbbells as the effects of dispelling so much energy seemed to catch up to what remained of him physically. The crying obsidian infection on his face remained relentless in its buzzing but purely out of irritation rather than any significant gathering of power. Ash was utterly helpless.
Everything began to move in fragments and Ash shut his eyes in an attempt to make the world stop spinning. He felt himself get lifted by Don who instructed whoever was approaching to be careful with the boy. Ash felt himself be transferred from the once comforting arms of Don to the white hands of someone new. Ash attempted to tense his muscles to roll away, but he had lost control of his limbs. He felt someone gently swipe his sweaty curls away from his good eye along with a whisper that may have once been encouraging. The new hands were rough as they began moving out of the room and into the hall. Every time Ash’s body shifted with their gait, the purple in his veins seemed to remember its intended purpose: pain. He didn’t have the energy to react to the discomfort.
“You did well.” Despite the fuzziness, Cucurucho’s voice was loud in Ash’s throbbing head and he shut his eyes even tighter. “We look forward to future tests.” Despite his lethargy, Ash felt himself tremble.
Cucurucho lowered Ash into his bed unceremoniously but Ash was just glad that the movement was over and Cucurucho had kept his word to Don. He laid as still as possible, splayed on top of his blankets. At some point Cucurucho’s voice faded and Ash thought he heard the lock on the door click.
He was falling. Ash felt like he was falling and nothing was coming to grab him. Sleep has never come easy, but this was new. Instead, he opened his eyes to stare at the wall which was still spinning. He decided that spinning was better than falling and it wasn't looking like sleep was the answer to his problems. Whatever was coursing through him was not so merciful as to allow Ash to sleep, instead he was left with his thoughts.
The thoughts were unwelcome and unrelenting. Ash realized that he had done all of this to himself. It was his fault for ever caring about Don so much and the Federation had proved their point. His care for Don had given Ash power, but only with the cost of the pain and exhaustion. Yet, Don still betrayed him and gave him away as soon as things seemed dangerous. Why would Don do this? Why did Ash let himself get so attached? It wouldn’t matter what Don did if Ash didn’t care about him at all.
Attachment was his weakness. Attachment was his power. It was difficult for Ash to distinguish between those two consequences. There had to be a balance of some sort, something he didn’t understand yet. He needed to figure it out so that next time he could use his power faster. Then he wouldn't be in so much pain. And, fuck, he was in so so so much pain. If only he wasn’t so attached. If only he could be the perfect Subject A that Cucurucho had been promised. If only Don had cared about him back. If only he hadn’t done this to himself.
It was an endless cycle of doubt, uncertainty and hate. He was interrupted by the sound of the door clicking. Immediately, Ash was grateful that some of his consciousness had returned and his body felt slightly more aware than when he had fallen into somewhat of a sleeplike state. Ash had been laid down facing away from the door and so he couldn’t perceive the new threat. It was hard to believe that it was already morning and he really hoped there were no tests today.
“Ash.” The voice was quiet and Ash flinched as a hand hovered over the corner of his vision. “It’s me bro, just me.” The voice sounded so familiar, but it didn’t matter who it was because Ash shouldn’t get attached. He shouldn’t make mistakes. It just hurt everyone, most of all it hurt him. The hand grabbed his shoulder and pushed Ash onto his back. The figure was sitting on the edge of the bed and moved Ash so gently that it sent a shiver down the young boy's spine.
“Don?” Ash spoke hesitantly. It shouldn’t matter who it was, Ash needed to stay away. He needed to get away and retreat into his mind and into the pain because he deserved it. He needed to ignore the fact that Don had snuck out of his room using his invisibility and somehow stolen a Federation keycard just to be here with Ash. He needed to not think about how Don would definitely be severely punished in the morning for this, but he did it anyway. Trust is a fragile thing and Don has broken it and that should be a good thing. It would prevent everyone from getting hurt.
“Hey, I’m here, I’m sorry for letting them take you.” Don cautiously moved his hand from Ash’s shoulder to his cheek. “I’m here now.”
If Ash was strong he would have closed his eyes and turned back to the wall. He would have said nothing and learned his lesson.
Ash was weak.
“Ok.” Ash whispered and felt tears well in his eyes. The crying obsidian glitched violently around his face and Don moved quickly to lift the boy into his arms. “It hurts.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Don breathed into the air as he cradled Ash’s head towards his shoulder. Ash cried harder as he melted into his older brother’s warmth. He would stay there while Don rubbed a warm wet cloth over his skin, fed him soup and made him drink water. He would fall asleep under the protective watch of an older boy who thought he failed.
Ash was weak.
He would always be weak.
Present Day, Federation Laboratories
Ash was barely conscious but he could feel the restraints around his wrists and legs. They had laid him on a table with nothing but the crying obsidian on the ceiling, the faint beeping of the heart monitor and the purple liquid searing through his skin. He had become more numb to the sensation in the twelve years since the first time they had tested it on him, it hurt like hell nonetheless.
“What is your mission?” Cucurucho’s voice barely sounded like noise at all anymore. He had been here for so long. So, so long.
“Fuck… y…ou.” Ash stuttered out of spite for what must have been the thousandth time. They must be trying to brainwash him, he had figured that out pretty quickly. Always a series of painful procedures followed by videos glorifying the Federation. Over and over and over and over again.
At first, Ash had realized what they were doing and found it easy to resist but now he wasn’t so sure. Everything hurts, all of the time. It was hopeless, it had always been hopeless. Giving in and becoming the emotionless monster that Cucurucho had always envisioned for Subject A would be so so easy.
The crying obsidian began dripping onto Ash’s already corrupted skin, prompting a gutwrenching scream from the center of Ash’s hollow chest. It would be so easy, he was so tired and the Federation couldn’t be that bad. They were saving him from himself after all. He was dangerous, he didn’t belong close to humans. He would just hurt them.
“What is your mission?”
“To protect the Federation.”
“You still do not believe your words. Try again.”
More purple liquid injected into his veins. More screams. Endless.
Still, Ash couldn’t help himself, he was weak. He couldn’t make himself believe that he wanted to protect the Federation, not entirely at least. The buzzing of his body and the eternal ache of everything forced him back into his mind. To the screams of his friend, a promise. I will get you, Ash. Stupid hope and attachment. Stupid Ash for ever caring for the pathological liar who gave away his heart in the first place. Still, hope was conditioned into the supreme leader. The memory of Don sneaking into his room in the dead of night on a hard day all those years ago. The memory of Don and Katie hugging Ash when Juan died. The memory of Foolish and Tina’s promise to help Ash on that same day. The memory of Tubbo’s undying loyalty to what Ash had built. And Ewron, who yelled out his name even when everything had been lost.
Attachment had always been a double edged sword for Ash. It had given him his powers, literally, but also granted him the power to keep going. Even if everything hurts. At the same time, attachment had taken away everything that Ash had known. It had been used against him by everyone he had ever met. It had only ever brought him pain.
Maybe there was a balance, but Ash was beginning to think he would never find it.
“He said…” Ash gulped. “He said he would get me.”
Cucurucho laughed at that. The pain got worse. Ash thought of Ewron, Don, Katie, Tubbo, Foolish, Tina. He thought of everyone and he wished that he believed they were coming.
He hated himself for it, but, even though Ewron had given away Ash’s heart like it had meant nothing, Ash really wished Ewron wasn’t lying. Just this once.
If he was strong he would have learned from the past. He would have given up attachment altogether like he was programmed to do and like they were reprogramming him to do.
Instead Ash was weak. He would always be weak.