Chapter Text
Susie stares at Kris’ casket.
She feels something indescribable. Her chest is full of only the worst things. Her heart beats faster. Her breath quickens. Her eyes burn. There’s a lump in her throat. But she can't put a word to it.
The Dreemurrs and Holidays, despite the circumstances, decided on separate services. Noelle’s was yesterday. Susie watched from the back, and came forward to pay her respects after it was all said and done.
But today, Toriel insisted she sat with her and her family. Her feud with Asgore was tempered just for the occasion. Asriel sits between the two as a buffer. Throughout the service, Toriel holds her son’s hand in her own and rests the other on Susie’s knee. When she glances over, she sees Asgore’s arm strewn around Asriel’s shoulders. In that moment, she realizes she’s never met Kris’ brother before. What a way to meet the guy.
The choir is much emptier without Noelle and Toriel. Sounds worse, too. And Susie zones out during the sermon. She can’t feel bad about it, considering that just the other day, Kris was sleeping through a similar one against her shoulder.
She feels sick. That’s what she feels.
Her mind wanders. She thinks about how different Human and Monster funerals are. Kris’ casket is a nice, hand-carved oak– she thinks it is, at least. She's not a tree expert. “Oak” is actually the only type of wood she knows. But it’s a good casket. And it’s closed. Not all human funerals have a closed casket. But it's good that this one does. When she closes her eyes, she can still see–
Monsters don't have caskets. Noelle didn't have a casket. During yesterday’s service, Susie watched her dust float around in a snow globe hand-picked by her mother. Briefly, she wondered if Carol had a bunch of empty snow globes laying around for occasions like this. Then she thought about how gaudy it was. Then she felt guilty for calling it gaudy. Even if it was.
She doesn't belong here. She didn’t belong here yesterday, and she doesn’t belong here now. Everyone else is wearing their Sunday best. She doesn't even have any Sunday best. She knew Kris for, what, 5 days? Nothing compared to their mom and dad and brother and the parents of their childhood friend who also died and everyone else in town who saw them grow up and so on and so forth.
Susie is the odd one out.
Well, her and Sans. But he's respectful enough.
She's never been a religious person. She'd like to think there's something out there. But given how her life has turned out, she doubts it.
And now, looking at this stupid fucking casket, she's proven right once more.
Susie hasn't been to a funeral afterparty before. She is so unfamiliar with them that she thinks they’re called “funeral afterparties.” Lots of firsts happening for her in Hometown.
The food, prepared in advance by everyone except the bereaved, sits in warmed catering trays in the church lobby. People build their plates, and some chat idly, but most gather outside to talk and eat. Chairs and tables have been strewn around to accommodate for the crowd. Most of them are taken.
Susie’s plate is full, but for the first time in her life, she doesn't feel like eating. She'll hate herself for it later. But taking just one bite feels like eating sand. She doesn't even want the punch. Oh God, the punch. All she can think about is Kris’ head tilted back, mouth wide open, extending their cup to her, she feels so sick–
“My child.”
She jolts and turns to the chair next to her. Toriel sat down when she wasn't looking.
“Um… hi.”
Toriel breathes in, as if she's about to say something, but it doesn't come out. Instead, she puts her hand into Susie’s, and squeezes it.
Susie squeezes back, albeit awkwardly. She really isn't sure why Toriel is wasting her time with her. She should be with her son, and her ex-husband. …Maybe just her son.
Susie looks out to the table across from them. Carol sits with her head in her hands. Rudy is next to her, his hand on her back with his head bowed and eyes closed. She feels that tight feeling in her throat again.
She looks away, desperate to escape the sight. Her eyes land on Asriel and Asgore. The former has a thousand yard stare, and the latter holds him tightly. She looks away again. But nothing changes.
Catti’s eyeliner is running down her face and through her fur. Her family surrounds her, along with Jockington, in similar states but without the make-up. Monster Kid and that fucking bird that Susie hates have the audacity to be sad even though they were both assholes to Kris. That pisses her off.
Everyone is dressed in black. They're always sad. Always crying. Always at a loss. How did it happen? Why? What did they do? Why? How do we move on? Why? Why, why, why?
She can't look anywhere without remembering what they lost.
“My child, I…”
Toriel tries again. Susie faces her.
“I… I wanted to…”
Toriel lifts Susie’s hand and envelops it, pulling it close to her chest and holding it there. “... Thank you. For being Kris' friend.”
Susie’s eyes widen. “What-?”
“They… they struggled, so much. They felt so much pain. They lost so much… oh, ever since Dess… They never were the same. And when Azzy left for college, I…”
Toriel breaks into tears. She lowers her head, still clutching Susie’s hands. “Oh, why didn't I stop them… all the signs, all the signs were there… they didn't even leave their bed all day… and I just…”
There's a terrible pit in Susie's stomach. She's right. Why didn't she stop it, too? She knew something was off. She tried so hard to cheer them up. But it wasn't enough. And then she left them. Alone. With Noelle. Like an idiot. Like a big, fucking idiot.
Toriel finally releases Susie’s hand to wipe her tears. She lets it drop to the table.
“Oh, I'm sorry… Please, don't listen to me. The last thing you should worry about is an old lady like me.” Toriel adjusts her glasses and collects herself. She stands.
“... Thank you for coming today, Susie. And remember, you're always welcome in our home.” She gives her shoulder a squeeze before returning to her son, and her ex-husband who happens to be there too.
Susie watches as Toriel takes Asriel into her embrace. She feels very, very cold.
Castle Town is quiet. There’s no music. No recruits. Not like Susie would know the difference.
Ralsei is waiting by the entrance for her. She told him she’d come after the funeral. She has nowhere better to be.
“... Hey.”
Ralsei smiles. “Hi, Susie.”
His eyes look tired. But the rest of him is groomed meticulously, as always.
They stand there and stare at each other for a minute. It seems neither of them have anything to say.
All those big emotions Susie hid during the service are coming up. She realizes it’s far too easy to lose herself around Ralsei. White hot tears start pooling behind her eyes and then they're running down her face and when she tries to speak her voice cracks so she closes her mouth and shuts up.
“Oh, Susie…” Ralsei steps forward and holds her face in his hands. He brushes away her tears with his thumbs and she just cries. When was the last time she cried like this? She can’t remember.
She falls to her knees. She pushes her face into Ralsei’s chest. Her arms are limp at her sides while he embraces her. He smells like cinnamon and he warms up all that cold from earlier. And she just keeps crying.
He’s quiet as she sobs and hiccups. What can he even say? Not much. Not anything that’d matter at least.
“Why? Why did they do it? I don’t get it. I…” Susie’s voice is hoarse and weak. She keeps cutting herself off with gasps for air. She can’t get it out of her system fast enough.
“I thought we were– we were having fun, right? What changed… what…”
Ralsei looks down at her, then away. He tries to hold back his own tears– he wants to be a rock for Susie, really, but…
He swallows. “Let’s go sit down.”
Susie nods.
So now they’re on Susie’s bed. And Ralsei is sitting down. But Susie rests her head on his lap. He cards his fingers through her hair and rubs her scalp. In any other situation, she’d be humiliated. But. Desperate times.
She cried out everything she had left. Now she’s just sad. Sad, and empty, and numb, and she misses Kris and she misses Noelle.
“They were acting weird. I knew they were acting weird. I thought if I cheered them up, I…”
Ralsei hums in acknowledgement. “It’s not your fault, Susie. They… Kris…”
What can he say? What can he even say. Not much. Part of him knew this would happen. And yet…
“This can’t be it.” Susie says, even though she already sounds defeated. “This can’t be it.”
Ralsei’s hand stills in her hair.
“I…” He should bite his tongue. He shouldn’t say it. He should continue on, obedient as always.
If there was something else, what would it be…? And how do we know… it wouldn’t be something even worse?
This is the “something worse.” He knew that. He had no choice but to welcome it with open arms. And yet, he couldn’t sit with it. He had to fix it. Had to at least change it.
If this is rock bottom, they can go up, right?
“Susie, this… this might sound strange, but I… I think there might be something we can do.”
She turns to face him, bewildered. Then she sits up. “What?”
There’s that indescribable feeling again. She pushes it down. More important things are happening.
“What do you mean? What can we do?”
“It's–” He looks off. There's that look Susie hates again. The avoidant one.
“Hey. I thought we agreed we wouldn't–”
“I know.” Ralsei tilts his head down. “I know. But… I…”
She grabs him by the shoulders and pulls him closer. “Ralsei! Tell me already!”
Ralsei places his hand over Susie's. “I… something might happen if I tell you, Susie. Something…”
“So what, you wanna try and do some shit with me without even telling me? Are you fucking serious? This is about–”
“Susie.”
Ralsei suddenly straightens. Susie stops.
“Do you trust me?”
Well, despite everything, of course she does. She nods, albeit hesitantly.
“Then… let's close our eyes. And let's think about something else.”
And there goes that trust. She opens her mouth to object, but Ralsei raises his finger to her lips. It takes every ounce of Susie’s free will to not bite it.
“Let's think about… where Kris might be, okay?”
Susie wants more than anything to yell at him, to tell him to get to the point, to explain why all of a sudden he's saying all this stupid bullshit.
… but the look in his eyes tells her otherwise. This is, for all intents and purposes, important. For some reason.
So she closes her eyes. And she thinks about Kris, and how badly she wants to see them, and then she thinks about Noelle too, and then…
Kris’ head is throbbing.
Their eyelids feel like lead. They force them open anyways. Their vision is blurry. They’re being dragged somewhere by the arm. There’s something stuck in their chest. As if on cue, their body begins coughing.
Water. Water was in their chest. And now it’s coming out in violent heaves.
The dragging stops.
“Kris! You’re awake!”
They can barely hear Noelle over their own hacking. Their body is limp as they expel more and more water. They don’t even have the strength to move– their body seizes and heaves on instinct.
Noelle releases their arm and kneels down behind them. She props them up against her, patting their back. She smiles patiently as the last of it escapes their system.
“Are you okay?”
They wheeze in response. Their clothes are still damp. How long were they out for? Where are they? What happened to them?
“Come on, Kris.”
She stands and drags them with her, supporting their weight as she turns to look at their destination.
They blink several times to make their eyes focus. When they finally do, their heart drops at the sight.
Noelle smiles. “Isn't it beautiful, Kris?” She sighs, content, and holds them a bit tighter.
“We finally made it!”