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Ilya’s head is fucking throbbing when he wakes up. The sun shining through the hotel curtains is burning holes into his retinas making the headache even worse. His mouth feels like fucking sandpaper and tastes like a litter box. His body is sore like he’d just played hard on the ice, but that can’t be fucking possible. It’s fucking summer, they haven’t even opened the camp yet.
Wincing, he tries to take stock of where he is. He knows he’s in Vegas for the MHL Awards, he’s in a penthouse overlooking The Strip and sharing the room with Shane… wait… Shane wasn’t in Vegas… Why? Oh right, because Shane was off in fucking California for some brand deal with Yuna and Ilya had felt loney.
Wait… Ilya blinks slowly. There’s a warm body next to him, arms wrapped around his chest and snuggled in close. He smiles to himself, Shane must’ve shown up to surprise him. A soft groan steals his attention and Ilya looks down, lips pursed to kiss his boyfriend awake- Ilya jolts upright with a scream, scrambling to get off the bed, but only succeeding in making it a few inches away.
Instead of his boyfriend, he finds Hayden fucking Pike curled up in bed next to him.
“Jackie?” Hayden groans loudly sitting up, “What are you-” He stops, eyes wide, face morphing into horror at seeing Ilya. “WHAT THE FUCK!? What were we doing!?”
“We!?” Ilya accuses jabbing a finger at him, “You were the one cuddling me!?”
“Why the fuck would I do that!?” Hayden is yelling, matching Ilya’s energy. Both scramble off the bed, each taking great relief that they’re both equally clothed.
“I don’t know!” Ilya screams back.
“I’m married!” Hayden screams. “I would never cuddle with you!”
“Oh boo!” Ilya snaps, “Don’t be homophobic!”
“I’m not homophobic you fucking asshole, I’m bi too!”
Ilya’s mouth drops and Hayden slaps his hands over mouth in horror at what he’d just admitted. Terrified, he starts to stumble backwards but Ilya leaps over the bed, rushes forward and grabs him by the shoulders.
“Is fine!” he shouts, and then lowers his voice, “Hayden. I will not tell, yes? You are bi, this is okay.”
“I know it’s fine,” Hayden replies weakly, “I know that. I just…”
“Sit,” Ilya orders, spins them and pushes him back on the bed. “If you have panic attack and pass out, Jackie and Shane will be mad at me.”
Hayden rubs his face, “Fuck. This is not how I thought you’d find out. Hell, I was never going to say anything, ever.”
Ilya sits next to him, “Why did you never say?”
“I got scared,” he admits, “when you accused me of having a crush on Shane. I know it’s stupid but I didn’t want to be something that you’d make fun of me for. I know you wouldn’t! But… just… at the time, I didn’t… And then after Shane came out and the Voyagers… and I’m happy with Jackie so… you know, it never came up?”
Ilya nods, “Hmm… Does Jackie…?”
“She knows. I told her. Before we got married.” Hayden sighs, “Actually, you’ll enjoy this, she’s the one who got me to figure it out. We were watching Mama Mia and I told her that I had the biggest ‘man-crush’ on Colin Firth.”
Ilya laughs, “You are fifteenth best hockey player, but at least have good taste.”
Hayden snorts, “Thanks.” He groans and hangs his head, but suddenly something catches his eye. The glint of something on Ilya’s hand. Without thinking he grabs Ilya’s wrist. “Are you fucking married!? Did you fucking get married without telling me!?”
“I’m not married, Pike!” Ilya wrenches his hand back, “I haven’t asked Shane yet-” He stops staring at the shiny gold ring on his hand. It… it looks like a wedding ring. “I… is just a ring.” He says simply, “Is not for wedding.”
“Are you sure?” Hayden squeaks, “Because it looks like one.”
Ilya stares at it and then- “That is not your wedding ring.”
Hayden frowns, “What are you talking about?” The words die in his mouth as he lifts his own hand. Stacked right on top of his own wedding band is a second one. A perfect match to the one on Ilya’s hand. “Oh FUCK!” Hayden scrambles to his feet.
“Don’t panic!” Ilya says while panicking. “There’s explanation for this, yes!? We- we are not married!”
“You’re right!” Hayden nods frantically, “We’re not! We can’t be! I’m already married. To Jackie!”
They both stop yelling to stare at each other.
“We need to calm down.” Ilya states.
“Yes,” Hayden agrees. “I’ll call Jackie.”
“I call Shane.”
Both feel their pants for their respective phones but feel nothing.
“Fuck!”
In a mad scramble, Ilya is throwing sheets off the bed practically tearing the room apart. Hayden is on his hands and knees scrambling to see if anything dropped. There’s nothing on the floor so he bolts to the bathroom. He finds it at the bottom of the toilet bowl.
“Ugh,” Hayden groans and grabs it, suddenly very grateful for the waterproof case. He’d learned the hard way that waterproof cases were great for protecting his phone from sticky child fingers and spit-up.
At a horrific 10% battery life, Hayden walks back into the room. “Found mine,” he announces while scanning the room for a charger. Luckily, Ilya’s is plugged into the nightstand and slots it into his phone.
“I can’t find mine! Where is my phone!?” Ilya screams.
“I don’t know!” Hayden yells back and then grabs Ilya by the shoulders, similar to how Ilya had grabbed him earlier. “Ilya. Stop. We’ll find it. I have your location shared on my phone.”
Ilya narrows his eyes. “Why do you have my location?”
Hayden pulls away and rolls his eyes. “Because you and Shane are part of my family plan. Did you not know this? I thought we told you. Or told Shane, and he told you.”
“No,” Ilya frowns, “What do you mean?”
“Yeah, when we set up the security features we had eight slots available so Jackie and I added Shane, but then when you two started dating we added you.”
Ilya grins, “Started dating?”
“Yes, shut up.”
“You like me!” Ilya teases with a sing-song.
“Shut the fuck up, no I don’t. You’re such an asshole.” Hayden maneuvers them to sit on the edge of the bed and he grabs his phone. He opens it and Ilya shuffles close to watch over his shoulder.
Hayden’s phone is blown up with hundreds of missed texts and calls from everyone. Jackie, Shane, his agent, just about everyone on the Voyagers, and shockingly Marlow.
“Why do you have Marley’s number?” Ilya asks.
“Because we’re in the Jane and Lily group chat?”
“The what?” Ilya demands answers.
“There’s a group chat for all of us who know that you and Shane and Jane and Lily.”
“And we’re not in it?”
“Nope.”
Hayden swipes open his phone, accidentally tapping on the text from his agent.
Robin (Agent)
PIKE CALL ME NOW
WHAT IS THIS GAY SHIT?
ARE YOU JOKING?
Robin Has Sent (1) Link
Ilya scowls, “You need a new agent.”
“I know,” Hayden sighs.
“What is link?” Ilya grins, “What did you do?”
“Aren’t there more important things to worry about right now?”
“Mmmm no, click it. I want to know what ‘gay shit’ fifteenth best hockey player did.”
“Ugh,” Hayden groans and clicks the link.
BREAKING NEWS ILYA ROZANOV AND HAYDEN PIKE MARRIED IN VEGAS
Several eyewitness accounts and photographic evidence have leaked showing the apparent union between Ottawa Centaurs Captain, Ilya Rozanov and Montreal Voyagers Assistant Captain, Hayden Pike following the MHL Awards Ceremony. The couple have been spotted having drinks together, and several of the photos depict romantic affection.
It’s speculated that the pair have been at least together since 2018 when Rozanov transferred to the Centaurs. It begs the question about Pike’s marriage to his wife. Questions are circulating about whether or not the couple divorced and for how long…
“What the fuck?” Hayden croaks and nearly dies when he sees the photos. Ilya lets out a strangled gasp beside him.
The first photo is the most damning. It’s a weirdly cropped photo showing the top of some woman’s frizzy hair, but clearly in the background is Ilya, grabbing Hayden’s face and kissing him on the lips.
“YOU KISSED ME!?” Hayden explodes.
“YOU’RE KISSING ME BACK!” Ilya screams back. Hayden’s thumb slips and shows the next picture. Equally as damming. “Gospodi!”
The second photo is a shitty phone picture of a very drunk looking Hayden and Ilya. Hayden's arms are wrapped around Ilya’s waist, dipping him into a kiss, with Ilya’s arms locked around Hayden’s neck.
“Fuuuuuuuuck,” Ilya groans.
The next picture is another one of Hayden and Ilya, still clearly drunk and holding up a blurry and selectively redacted marriage certificate.
“Holy fuck we’re married,” Hayden chokes. “What the fuck? What the hell happened last night?”
“Jackie,” Ilya urges, “We need Jackie. She’ll know what to do.”
“Fuck yeah, you’re right.”
Outgoing Call… Jackie Pike
Jackie answers the call, laughing hysterically. “Hi baby! Or should I say Mr. Rozanov-Pike!”
“Jackie!” Hayden wails, “It’s not funny!”
“Oh I disagree,” She laughs, “this is the best day of my life. Is Ilya there?”
“Hi,” Ilya weakly calls out.
She lets out a scream of laughter, “Hang-hang on. I’m adding Shane.”
“No, wait-!” Hayden calls but it’s already too late.
Shane answers, full of exasperation.“Jackie! Did you fucking see what our stupid partners did!?”
She doesn’t stop laughing, “Yeah, I did. They’re on the line by the way.”
“Lyubimyy!” Ilya wails, “Shane, it doesn’t mean anything! I’m not married to Hayden! I don’t love him, I love you! You’re the only one for me, I promise it was an accident!”
“Sure,” Shane deadpans, “You didn’t mean to make out with Hayden. Or get married to him. While in Vegas. And you didn’t send me videos of you confessing your love for him.”
“I WHAT!?” Ilya’s ready to have a full blown panic attack, “I don’t love him! Shane please, please it’s not real! I didn’t-”
“Shane, what video?” Hayden cuts in, slapping a hand over Ilya’s mouth. He licks Hayden’s hand to get rid of him but Hayden is a father. He knows all the tricks, so he settles for pinching the other man’s lips shut.
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Shane sounds like he’s having a little too much fun.
“Wait, you said you would send it to me last night!” Jackie calls out.
Shane laughs, “I’ll send it to you as long as you don’t send it to Hayden.”
“DEAL!”
“Jackie!” Hayden begs, “Please!”
“Solnyshko,” Ilya pleads, wrenching Hayden’s fingers away, “Was mistake! You are the only one I want to marry!”
“You sure about that? Because I think you absolutely wanted to get married to my best friend, Ilya. Or should I say Ilya Rozanov-Pike.” Shane tries to stop a snort of laughter and fails spectacularly.
Jackie howls with laughter while Ilya nearly sobs. Hayden wants to vanish into dust. This is a fucking nightmare.
“I sent the video,” Shane chuckles.
“Shane,” Jackie takes heaving gasps, as she struggles to maintain computer while watching. She screams with all her vocal chords, “The kiss!”
Shane laughs with so much force it nearly blows out their eardrums. “They’re going to fucking hate this when they see it.”
“Shane!” Jackie begs, “Please can I keep this? Fuck I didn’t know how hot it would be to watch them making out!”
“MAKING OUT!?” Ilya and Hayden scream in horror.
“For eight fucking minutes!” She screeches.
At the same time Shane laughs, “Oh I’ve already added the clip to our Aura. You’ll see it cycle through.” Jackie is losing her fucking mind with delight.
“Babe,” Hayden whines, “Please. We need to fix this!” Both Shane and Jackie are trying hard to control their laughs, but eventually it does into intermittent giggles.
“Just find the marriage license,” Shane chuckles, “there’s no way it’s valid because you’re already married, Hayd. You might need to get a lawyer involved, but you were both drunk enough I’m sure it’ll be easy to dismiss.”
“Thank fuck,” Hayden groans.
“I will find,” Ilya announces and starts going through everything in the hotel room.
“Call us when you find it,” Jackie orders. “Shane, I’m gonna call you in a few seconds.”
“Sure,” he laughs, “By Mr. and Mr. Rozanov-Pike!” Jackie screeches with laughter before the call ends.
Hayden groans. “Did you find the certificate?”
“Still looking,” Ilya bites back. “Did you find my phone? You said you have location, like creepy stalker.”
“Not a stalker,” He grumbles but pulls up the app. Thankfully, Ilya’s phone has seemingly enough battery that he gets a location. “Um… it says it’s at Margaritaville?”
They end up scouring the whole hotel room, but find no evidence of the certificate. “We just retrace our steps then,” Hayden says, “Maybe we check my room first since I’m the floor under you. I need clothes anyway.”
Ilya nods his approval, hands Hayden a spare key to his room and then hops in the shower. What the fuck had even happened last night? All he can remember is the MHL awards… feeling annoyed that he was there to begin with since he knew he wasn’t winning anything this year… getting shat on by Dallas Kent for committing career suicide by moving to Ottawa, then bumping into Hayden and … blurs of drunken disorderly… and… getting married apparently.
It’s not like he genuinely hated Hayden. Getting accidentally married to him wasn’t the end of the world, especially since it wouldn’t stick but he’d always hoped if he was going to get shotgun married (“Was that the English phrase?” He wonders.) it would be to Shane because of love. And because they wanted to elope or do something romantic. Not because he was drunk and apparently loved Hayden enough to marry him. And kiss him… apparently.
Ilya had always imagined that if he were to accidentally get married in Vegas to anyone, it would probably be to Cliff. They were loud and stupid enough to do it, although that might be more of a problem since both are unmarried. He could definitely imagine that as a more plausible scenario than getting married to Hayden. Especially because Cliff had offered once when he announced his move to Ottawa. His best friend had assumed it was because he needed a visa or something legal and had panic-called his sister’s wife to officiate their green card wedding.
He laughs at the memory and then wonders how much Cliff is currently panic texting or calling him right now. Oh fuck, he should probably say something once he’s got his phone back.
Ilya gets out of the shower, wraps himself in a towel and heads back into the bedroom. Just as he drops the towel, the door opens and Hayden steps back inside.
“Dude!” He groans, throwing up a hand to clock his view of Ilya’s cock.
“What?” Ilya snorts not bothering to cover himself, “Never seen a nine-inch dick before? I know, is big.”
Hayden scowls but definitely peeks. “You are not fucking nine inches.”
“Come here and measure it then,” he teases, grabbing himself.
“You’re such a dick.”
“I’m telling Jackie you looked.” Ilya laughs.
“Go ahead,” Hayden challenges, “Husbands should see each other naked, shouldn’t they?” Ilya’s nose scrunches up, but grabs clothes from his suitcase.
Hayden rubs his face hard, “Can I borrow something to wear?”
He pauses and then frowns, “Where is your stuff?”
The Canadian sighs, “Gone. Apparently, last night we told the hotel that I didn’t need my room anymore because I was sharing with you. And you told them “fuck all his suff he doesn’t need it, he has me”. So they emptied my room.”
“Oh…” Ilya grimaces and digs through his bag. “Uh… you will not like this. But… is all I have.” He tosses Hayden a pair of shorts, briefs, and an Ottawa Centaurs shirt.
“You don’t have anything that isn’t branded with your team?”
Ilya points at his own shirt, another Ottawa Centaurs one. “Is all I have. Did not think someone else was going to be wearing my clothes.”
Hayden sighs, “I’m using your shower. Thanks man.”
Eventually, Hayden showers and dresses in Ilya’s clothes. They sit slightly baggy on his body but at least he’s clean.
“Margaritaville is open now,” Ilya announces, scrolling through Hayden’s phone. “Media is speculating, your agent called more times, and I have removed you from Voyagers group chat.”
“What? Why?” Hayden demands, reaching out his phone.
Ilya deposits it in his hand. “Mmm, they are… saying not very nice things about you. Things that will make someone like Shane drop gloves.”
“Oh…” Hayden twists his mouth. He knew it would happen, but it’s still not a great feeling.
“They are stupid,” Ilya says standing, “You do not need to hear what they are saying. None of it is true.” He slaps Hayden on the back. “Let’s get my phone now, yes? Then I will not have to snoop on yours. You take very bad dick pics.”
“You looked at my dick pics!?”
“It’s in a fucking folder!” Ilya argues back, “You already saw my dick! We are even.”
“No the fuck we aren’t!”
“What?” Ilya laughs, “you want to see more-”
“Shut the fuck up, Rozanov!”
-
They arrive at the shockingly semi-filled Margaritaville. “Table for how many?” The hostess asks with a bright smile. She clearly doesn’t want to be here right now.
“Uh, no table thank you. Do you have a lost and found? My-” Hayden can’t help the tiny burst of desire to mess with Ilya, “-husband lost his phone last night and my location app says that it’s here.”
“Oh, sure I’ll be right back,” She says and walks away.
“Husband?” Ilya growls softly.
“Yes dear,” Hayden smirks, “You’re a Pike now.”
“Fine,” Ilya takes the challenge, “Think you can out-husband me, Kheydya?” It almost physically hurts to give Hayden his own term of endearment, but he’s not one to back away from a challenge.
“I know I can,” He bites back, “I’ve been married longer than you. I know how to husband.”
The hostess comes back with a small bin full of phones, “Which one is yours?”
“That one,” Ilya points to his phone and she hands it to him. “Thank you.”
She just nods, then waves for the woman standing behind them to step up.
“Um excuse me,” the woman says ignoring the hostess, “Are you Ilya Rozanov? Um, can I get a selfie, I’m a huge fan.”
“Sure,” Ilya puts on his hand smile while the woman hands the phone to Hayden, “Can you take our photo?”
Hayden bites his tongue and nods, “Sure.” He lifts it, “Smile.”
Ilya grins his shit-eating grin, just knowing this whole interaction is pissing off the Canadian. He takes the picture and hands the woman her phone back.
“Thank you so much! My husband- Oh! There he is.”
“Holy shit!” The woman’s apparent husband walks in from the street, “You’re Rozanov and Pike! Congrats on the marriage, um can we get a picture with you both?”
“Of course,” Ilya’s grin only gets wider.
The woman hands her phone to the hostess. Ilya takes the opportunity to slip his hand around Hayden’s waist, pulls him close, and right as she takes the picture, he plants a kiss to Hayden’s cheek. The couple are ecstatic about the photo and thank them.
“You dick,” Hayden grumbles.
“What?” Ilya teases, walking backwards down the sidewalk. “I thought we were competing for best husband.”
“Just- Ilya!” Hayden bolts forward and grabs the front of Ilya’s shirt, yanking him away from oncoming traffic. Ilya trips with the sudden force of getting brutally yanked by his shirt collar and collides with Hayden, who catches him. Instinctively, his arms go up, wrapping around Ilya and spinning their bodies so his back is to traffic.
“Aww,” a small group of women squeals, as they witness the whole thing, “so cute!”
“What the hell was that?” Ilya’s face is shockingly red as he pulls away from Hayden. Fucking hell. Ilya hates himself for finding that hot. A massive shudder of self-disgust runs through him at the mere thought of Hayden even being marginally attractive. HELL FUCKING NO.
“Watch where you’re going,” Hayden scolds, clearly unaware of what's going on. “You’re like my kids. Fucking look both ways before you cross, or better yet don’t fucking walk backwards into oncoming traffic.”
Ilya mutters a few swear words in Russian. “I’m hungry,” he states instead of dignifying Hayden with an answer.
-
Ilya’s phone needs to charge so they head back to the hotel, thankful for room service. He shoves the plug into his phone, ignores all the other missed calls and messages and opens the ones from Cliff.
Best of Boston
Cliff
Rozy, you got married without me? 😭
I thought it was gonna be us
But seriously
Are you okay?
Ilya
Was very drunk
Don’t know what happened yet
I will call later
Cliff
I’m kinda disappointed I never got to kiss you
Ilya
Lol I’ve kissed you before
When we won the cup
Cliff
Not on the lips 😜
Think Jane will let me hall pass?
Ilya
Please don’t ask Jane for this 😭
Cliff
Boo! 😂
How about Jackie?
Think she’ll let me make out with Hayden?
Ilya
I’m going to stop texting you now
Cliff
Wait!!
Is that a yes!????
ROZ!!
IS THAT A YES???
“Look for the video,” Hayden instructs, after Ilya’s phone has a decent enough battery life. “I need to know what the fuck Jackie and Shane saw.”
“Us making out,” Ilya sourly reminds, but scrolls through his messages to find it. “Ah, found it.”
The door knocks and Hayden quickly gets up to grab the food and brings it over. The pair settle on the couch, the food on the coffee table while Ilya props up his phone for both of them to see.
PLAY >
The video comes into focus, showing off a cute Filipina girl wearing a bachelorette crown, pink boa, and surrounded by a group of other clearly queer people. They’re all on some kind of party bus, with loud music, flashing lights and copious amounts of alcohol. She moves the camera showing off a very drunk Ilya and Hayden. Both are clinging to each other, holding karaoke microphones, and singing a horrendous rendition of “Love Like You” from Steven Universe. The other girls scream in delight, also singing along.
The song ends and Ilya plants a kiss on Hayden's cheek. “You’re my best friend!” He shouts, “I love you!”
“Aww!” Hayden shouts back, “You’re my best friend!” He returns the kiss.
The girls squeal and start chanting “Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!”
“Wait!” Hayden argues, “I’m married!”
“I have a boyfriend!” Ilya argues back.
The main bachelorette points at their phones, “Call them! Ask permission!” Both men fumble with their phone and simultaneously, are calling their respective partners on speaker phone.
“Moyo Solnyshko!” Ilya yells into the phone.
“Ilya?” Shane sounds confused, “Are you drunk, where are you?”
“I’m with- wait!” Ilya points at the girl behind the camera, “What is last name?”
“Martin!”
“I’m with Nora Martin!” Ilya yells into the phone, “Hayden!”
“What?” Hayden asks, pulling away from his conversation with Jackie, “Hi Shane!”
“Hi Jackie!” Ilya yells and grabs Hayden’s phone.
“Hey! Give it back!”
“No!”
“Then I’m taking your phone!” he snatches Ilya’s phone, “Hi Shane!”
Shane chuckles, “Hi Hayd. So… you’re with Ilya?”
“Yeah! He’s my beeeeest friend! You’re my best friend too but I can’t make out with you because Ilya will get mad at me!”
“Hayd-what-?”
“No kissing my boyfriend Pike!” Ilya screams, then to Jackie, “Mrs. Pike, I am at bachelorette party and would like to very nicely ask if I can kiss your husband.”
“Honey,” Jackie says kindly, “with all due respect, what!?”
“I agree!” Shane shouts from the phone, “What the fuck is happening!?”
“Wait, wait, wait!” Nora drunkenly snatches up both phones. “Hello Mrs. Pike and Mr. Sol-neesh-kah. I am Nora and I am getting married soon to my beautiful girlfriend and your husbands are so nice and they are besties and we think besties should be able to kiss. Will you please let them kiss? Pretty pleaseee! Oh! Wait!” She stumbles a bit as the bus hits a red light, “I’m having video! I can send it to you!”
“Uhh,” Shane’s voice comes through, “Nora you seem really nice, but can you pass my phone back to Ilya please? I’d like to talk to him.”
“Same for me, um… congratulations on getting married.” Jackie says.
“Okay!” Nora says cheerfully and passes the phone back. The phone camera flips back to her face, and they strain to hear the conversation in the background.
“They said yes!” Hayden shouts and the camera flips back around to see Hayden and Ilya holding up their phones, the call still going.
“You have to send Shane video,” Ilya informs Nora. “He says he wants blackmail for later.”
“Done!” She squeals.
“Bye baby!” Hayden shouts into the phone, “I love you!”
“I love you too,” Jackie laughs, “Enjoy making out with Ilya, I can’t wait for you to be sober.”
“Spasibo, lyubov moya,” Ilya makes kissy noises into the phone.
Shane snorts a laugh, “I’m forever going to hold this over your head. You’re going to regret this when you wake up tomorrow, Ilya. Ya tebya lyublyu.”
“Ya tebya lyublyu,” Ilya calls back and hangs up.
Once again, the girls squeal and start chanting “Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!”
Hayden shoves his phone into his pocket, then climbs into Ilya’s lap, grabs his face and starts making out with him. Ilya’s hands come up, grabbing Hayden’s waist-
|| PAUSE ||
“We can fast forward this part right?” Hayden squeaks, face bright red and refusing to look at Ilya.
“Da,” Ilya’s face is just as red. He leans forward quickly scrubbing through the next eight minutes of the video of just the two of them interspersed with flashes of the other girls and random awkward angles of Nora with her finance as they make out.
“What the fuck?” Hayden groans, burying his face in his hands, “Why the fuck were we kissing for that long?”
Ilya groans, “I don’t know.”
PLAY >
Then at some point the camera shifts back onto the pair with Hayden climbing off Ilya’s lap. He looks smug while Ilya’s mouth looks a little puffy. “My Shane is a better kisser.”
“Jackie’s a million fucking times better than you.”
“I’m a great kisser!”
“I didn’t say you were a bad kisser,” Hayden points out, “I just said Jackie is better.” Ilya opens his mouth to say something but Hayden cuts him off, jabbing an accusatory finger at him. “You’re not making out with my wife!”
“I don’t want to make out with Jackie!”
“If you fucking make out with her, I’m making out with Shane!”
“Don’t you fucking dare-!”
[ STOP ]
“Okay,” Hayden breathes out, “So we get in contact with Nora-”
“There’s another video,” Ilya announces. “Actually two more.”
“Oh, fuck, okay.”
PLAY >
Nora’s face fills the screen again, but this time the group is staggering into an Elvis Chapel.
“We’re getting best friend married!” Ilya yells, hooking his arm around Hayden’s neck.
“Hell yeah!” The drunken bachelorettes scream at them. “Love is love!”
Nora drops the phone; it clatters to the ground while in the background they can hear muffled conversations to an Elvis impersonator.
“-is the package for Elvis, you’ll get the certificate, and you can pick the rings from the display.” A friendly southern woman’s voice says. Nora lifts the camera to show Hayden and Ilya standing at the counter talking to a short blonde woman whose name tag reads “Dorothy”.
“Ah,” Dorothy says, “Actually it looks like we only have these licenses available but if you want-”
“No,” Ilya cuts her off, "this one is fine. Hayden, you pick rings.”
Nora makes a delighted sound alongside her friends as they crowd around Hayden and the display case.
“It has to be gold,” Hayden announces, “he looks better in gold. And nothing too fancy, Shane will be mad if our rings are better than the one he’ll pick.” He scans the display and then points at a pair of simple gold rings. “These ones, please,” he tells the man behind the counter.
The man nods and opens the display, making sure to pick the right size. He passes them Hayden and the group meanders back to Ilya.
“Okay,” Dorothy smiles, "Since you’re the only ones here right now, we can head on into the chapel.”
[ STOP ]
“Do you remember any of this?” Ilya asks, shoveling onion rings into his mouth.
“No,” Hayden groans, “I was so fucking drunk. Do you?”
“Nyet,” he sighs, “Obviously not.”
“Just… play the next one.”
PLAY >
Ilya and Hayden stand at the altar, with Elvis between them. They’re bent over a small table, signing something.
“Wait! But best friends don’t share names!” Hayden says pointing at the license.
“That’s Stuuuuupid!” Ilya argues “We must have name. Pikeanov! Haydenov! No, Rosayden! Pikiya!”
“Just hyphenate!” One of the drunk girls calls out.
“Pike-Rozanov,” Hayden suggests.
“Why does your name go first?”
“I dunno.”
Ilya scowls, "I like Rozanov-Pike. Rolls off the tongue better.”
“Yeah, okay,” Hayden beams and signs the name before passing the pen to Ilya who signs with a bigger flourish.
The Elvis claps his hands, “I now pronounce you-” Nora drops the phone, the clatter hitting the bench where she’s seated.
“Shit, oh fuck. Wait, I’m missing it!” She grabs the phone, leveling it just in time to see Hayden and Ilya hugging.
“Kiss!” One of the girls squeals.
“Yes, we must kiss!” Ilya leans forward with puckered lips and grabs Hayden face, planting a kiss to his lips. “MUWAH!”
“That’s a stupid way to kiss,” Hayden shoves Ilya. “I’ll show you better.” With that, he grabs Ilya’s waist and dips him backward. The momentum startles Ilya so much that his hands come up to immediately latch around Hayden’s neck. Their lips connect and apparently, according to the video, Hayden is a really good kisser. So much so that Ilya lets out a soft moan and his face goes red when their lips connect.
[ STOP ]
“Looks like I’m a good kisser,” Hayden reports smugly.
“You’re not,” Ilya deadpans. “I would remember.”
Hayden rolls his eyes, “Alright, we finish eating, go to this chapel, and get a copy of the certificate, right?”
“Yep,” Ilya nods, “Then we destroy evidence.”
“Done.”
-
It turns out that Vegas has multiple Elvis chapels, but they were able to piece together from the video which one it was. They find themselves standing in the lobby of “Elvis’ Easy Peasy, Rock and Rollin’, Weddings”.
“Oh hi!” Dorothy greets them with a smile as they walk in, “Welcome back!”
“Hello,” Ilya smiles, “Um, we were here last night-”
“Oh I know,” She winks, “Quite a pair you are. I didn’t realize y’all were celebrities!”
“Ah yes,” Ilya winces a little.
“Do you have a copy of the certificate?” Hayden asks before things can get more awkward, “We lost ours.”
“Of course,” She smiles, “certified copies are going to be $75.”
“Sure,” Hayden says and pulls out his wallet.
While he pays while Ilya looks at the photos on the walls and immediately spots a familiar one. It’s a picture of him and Hayden, drunkenly blissed out and hugging each other at the altar. Oh god, Shane and Jackie would have a fucking field day with it.
“Can I take this?” Ilya calls pointing at the photo.
Dorothy looks a little stricken, “Well… I suppose.”
Ilya takes it off the wall feeling a little guilty. And then he sighs, grabs a sharpie and signs it. “Autograph,” he orders Hayden. Hayden’s mouth drops a little, scowls at him, but grabs the sharpie and signs it.
“Aww, thank you,” Dorothy gives them both fond smiles as Ilya hangs it back up. She passes Hayden the certificate. “Here you are, darlin’.”
“Thanks,” Hayden takes the envelope from her. “Actually, do you have an empty room that we can borrow for a few minutes?”
“Oh sure,” She says, “There’s a waiting room down the hall. Just pick an empty one.”
“Thanks.” Hayden nods towards Ilya and the pair make their way to an empty room. “Okay,” he opens the envelope and stares at the certificate. Fuck, it really looks official.
“Gospodi,” Ilya groans, sinking down into the seat, “We’re really fucking married.”
“Shit,” Hayden whispers. “We’re so fucked. We can’t… I don’t want to send this to Shane and Jackie.”
Ilya lifts his head and then looks at Hayden. They can see as a lightbulb goes off in both their heads. “I have idea,” Ilya says.
Hayden nods, “I think I know what you’re thinking.”
“We need Yuna.”
-
One again, they find themselves back in the hotel room. Ilya calls Yuna the second the door is closed.
“Ilya!” Yuna sounds relieved when she picks up, “Sweetheart, how are you doing?”
“Hello Mama Yuna,” Ilya greets, “Um, I’m here with Hayden.”
“Hi,” Hayden calls weakly.
“Hi Hayden,” She says sweetly. “I’m guessing you’re calling about what happened?”
“How do we fix it?” Ilya blurts out, “We already went to Elvis chapel and they give us copy of license and… it looks real.”
“I’m texting you a picture,” Hayden says, snapping a photo and texting it to her.
“Alright, give me one second.” They hear her humming softly and then, “Well, it does look real although the witness is signed as ‘Elvis Presley’ and unless he legally changed his name to be ‘Elvis’ I’m guessing this won’t hold up in any court of law.”
Ilya and Hayden breathe out huge sighs of relief.
“Also,” Yuna says with a bit of mirth, “Hayden you’re already married so you better hope this isn’t real or else you've committed bigamy. Which is illegal in Vegas. Now I’m not saying you’d go to jail, but you’d definitely need to pay some kind of fine.”
“Oh god,” Hayden’s voice cracks and he sinks to the floor, his back leaning against the front panel of the couch.
“Don’t worry honey,” Yuna calls to him, “I’ll take care of it. For now, the two of you sit tight. I’ll draft some statements for you as well.”
“Thank you, Mama Yuna. Love you,” Ilya feels a weight being lifted from his chest.
“Love you too sweetheart.”
Ilya puts his phone down and then notices Hayden on the floor. His breath is coming out fast, and his eyes are squeezed shut.
“Gospodi,” he mutters. “Pike.” Hayden doesn’t answer. Ilya sits on the floor next to him, “Look, is okay. Yuna is handling, we are okay, yes?”
“What the fuck did we do?” He whispers. “I just… we did all of that and can’t fucking remember a single thing.”
“You want to remember climbing into my lap and sticking your tongue into my mouth?” Ilya tries to chirp but it falls flat when Hayden doesn’t respond with a ‘fuck off, Rozanov’. “Wait, you are serious?”
“Yes!” Hayden snaps, “Yes, I want to fucking remember!”
“W-what?”
“Not because I want to know what it’s like to fucking kiss you, asshole. Because I don’t like not remembering! Fuck!” Hayden groans, “My fucking… my mom had Alzheimer's, okay? So I’m fucking scared that if I forget things I’ll be just like her. So yeah, even if it’s a fucking drunken memory of us making out or getting fucking married, I want them.”
“Blyad,” Ilya groans and leans back against the front panel couch. Why did Hayden keep having to say things that made him relatable? First depression and now Alzheimer's… he hates having things in common with Hayden.
“My father had dementia," Ilya exhales.
Hayden looks at him, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, he was asshole.” Ilya places hand on Hayden’s knee and squeezes, “You aren’t going to become your mother, Hayden. We had one drunk night, won’t happen again.”
“With your or in general?” Hayden snorts.
“Eh,” Ilya shrugs and pulls his hand back, “probably with me. We will… what is phrase? Keep each other accountable, yes?”
“Sure,” Hayden sighs. “We’re already married and according to Nora’s video, we’re best friends who make out.”
Ilya laughs, “I am deleting the video.”
“Please fucking do, could you imagine what would happen if that video leaked? There’s already pictures, we can’t add more fuel to the fire.”
Yuna calls back and Ilya answers. “Good news boys,” She says cheerily, “The certificate isn’t real or valid. I checked in with the chapel and our lawyer. The Nevada State Seal isn’t legal since it’s marked as invalid and meant to look official, your ‘Elvis Presley’ is just an impersonator and can’t legally sign as Elvis. All in all, it’s a very good copy, but nothing legal. The chapel representative informed me that they do it for drunk couples who come in. It’s not actually legal for them to marry two drunk people since it’s a binding contract and both parties need to be sober.”
“Thank fuck!” Hayden gasps. “Yuna, thank you so much!”
“You’re welcome,” She laughs, “in the meantime, I’ve emailed you both statements. You should probably drop those as soon as possible.”
“Thank you, Mama Yuna.” Ilya finally feels like he can breathe again. “You are best.”
“I know,” She preens, “I’ll see you at home.”
“We will never speak of this again, yes?” Ilya says as he and Hayden look over the statements that Yuna sent. He skims, approving of how she handled it.
“Works for me,” Hayden says, also reading the statement. “Although… Jackie and Shane-”
“Sex strike,” Ilya smirks, “We say no sex and they will have to stop.”
“Will that work for you?” He snorts.
“Will it work for you?” Ilya counters, “If you and Jackie did not have vasectomy and tied tubes, you would have twenty children by now.”
“Can you resist Shane’s ass?”
They’re both silent and then Hayden sighs, “They’re going to outlast us, won’t they.”
“Yes, probably.”
“So… we’re fucked?”
Ilya huffs a small laugh, “Eh, whatever. We are best friend married. Statement says so anyway.” He opens his twitter, “You ready?”
“Yep,” Hayden takes a deep breath. Together they post their statements and turn off notifications. He looks down at his hand, seeing the golden glint of his “wedding ring”. “Guess we don’t need these,” He pulls it off.
Ilya pulls his ring off too, “Nyet, guess not.”
Hayden swallows, for some reason the weight of it heavy in his hand. Why was that? He’d just experienced a whole strange day with Ilya… “You were um… a good fake husband,” Hayden finally says, “I’m glad you make Shane happy.”
Ilya shrugs, he’s holding the ring in his hand, “You are… good too. I guess.”
“Wow, asshole.” Hayden huffs.
“I don’t hate you,” Ilya suddenly says.
Hayden turns to him, watching him for a second, “I know that. I don’t hate you either.”
“We are friends?” he asks, throwing the other man a smirk.
“Never,” Hayden laughs.
He takes his ring and clinks it against Ilya’s like they’re drinks, then slips the ring onto his opposite hand. Ilya smiles and does the same.