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Hua Cheng wasn’t a particularly introspective person. He suspected that was because most of his life had been so poignantly tragic; to take any real time sitting down and analysing the details would only result in the discovery of more painful memories that his mind had worked so hard to suppress. To look back on his life and consider all the things he'd done and all the things that had happened to him would be an exercise in futility. Nothing good would ever come of it. Over the course of his life, Hua Cheng had discovered that the safest way to live, the way that would best preserve his sanity, was to live in the moment and avoid thinking too deeply about the paths he'd taken to get there.
It might seem a regrettable way to live, but for much of his life, Hua Cheng didn't have many memories he desired to revisit.
There wasn't anything particularly different about that morning. Hua Cheng woke before the alarm just as he did every day. There was a time when his routine was to stare at the ceiling and wait for the alarm to go off, signalling the moment he could no longer put off getting up any further. When that happened, he usually went through his plans for the day. Then the plans for the week. As chaotically unpredictable as he could be, Hua Cheng had always valued structure. While there was nothing in particular to keep him there, the warm comfort of the blankets seemed to be enough.
Though his bed remained just as warm as it always had, his routine had changed in more recent times. Hua Cheng reached blindly for the alarm clock, clicking it off before it could disturb the blissful quiet in the room. Humming softly, he knew full well he would be unable to move from the bed for some time. That was fine. He had no intention of going anywhere. Xie Lian had mastered the art of sleeping curled up against Hua Cheng’s side without it resulting in a dead arm. Hua Cheng couldn’t possibly go anywhere, but he didn’t want to.
Fingers delicately trailed up and down Xie Lian’s back, admiring the gentle softness of his skin. The sunlight bled through the edge of the curtains, illuminating the rivers of dark hair Hua Cheng had grown so fond of running his fingers through. Looking down at the head nestled against his chest, Hua Cheng took in the fine details of Xie Lian’s face; glossy lips parted over warm, tender breaths, the modest curve of an adorable nose, the fanning of long lashes against the apples of his cheeks like the wings of a butterfly. Truly, Xie Lian’s beauty was something ethereal in its simplicity. It was something natural, something Xie Lian had no control over. Nothing he did would change how breathtaking he was.
Hua Cheng smiled fondly as his fingers moved lightly up and down Xie Lian’s arm. It was a weekend, which meant that Xie Lian had nowhere to be. They would have the entire day together. As much as he did enjoy watching as his beloved slept so soundly, placing all his trust in Hua Cheng’s hands, he also found himself wanting more than anything to take advantage of those days. Every minute spent together was something Hua Cheng wanted to cherish.
Carefully, he shifted under Xie Lian’s weight, leaning in to brush their lips together. Xie Lian’s felt warm and welcoming against his own, though he didn’t move. Smiling to himself, Hua Cheng then brushed a kiss against the tip of his nose, allowing himself to linger there when Xie Lian’s fingers flexed and gripped into his side. Finally, he moved up even further and pressed a kiss to Xie Lian’s forehead. His smile only grew when he heard Xie Lian let out a deep breath, a telltale sign that he was beginning to stir.
Hua Cheng whispered, “Gege? Are you awake?”
“Mn.” Xie Lian nuzzled into Hua Cheng’s neck and hugged him as tightly to his chest as he possibly could.
It was part of their routine for Xie Lian to avoid being woken, to do all he could to stay in the warmth of the bed. Hua Cheng found it rather charming, particularly on the days when they had nowhere to be. Tangling his fingers in Xie Lian’s hair, Hua Cheng chuckled and asked, “Is that a no?”
“Mn.” Xie Lian released another deep breath, hot air diffusing over Hua Cheng’s neck.
Hua Cheng kissed his head and spoke into his hair. “I have to get up, gege.”
“Noooo,” Xie Lian whined and shifted impossibly closer. “Stay.”
Sighing dramatically, Hua Cheng gently dragged his fingers along Xie Lian’s scalp and said, “Alright. Ten more minutes.”
“Twenty,” Xie Lian insisted.
“Fifteen,” Hua Cheng bartered.
“Twenty and I’ll let you wash my hair.” Xie Lian peeked up at Hua Cheng from his spot nestled in his neck, big golden eyes far too beautiful to resist.
“Deal,” He responded after perhaps staring a little too long.
“Ha.” Xie Lian shifted at his side until he was satisfied with his new position. “I was going to let you wash my hair anyway.”
Hua Cheng was fully aware. But looking into those eyes, he could deny Xie Lian nothing.
If he had to guess, Hua Cheng would say the deal he made with Xie Lian that morning was why everything went the way it did. He should’ve just gotten up. He should’ve let Xie Lian sleep while he got ready for the day. Instead, he allowed Xie Lian to rest on him a little longer, and with it, Hua Cheng allowed himself the time to really think about things in a way he never had before.
All of his life had been spent alone. Hua Cheng wasn’t entirely sure if that had bothered him before. Even as a child, he didn’t really know a loving touch. Hua Cheng didn’t know if it was that his parents were unkind, or they just couldn’t figure out how to love him. They weren’t bad people, but they didn’t understand him. Maybe he was just a difficult child. Hua Cheng suspected that was the problem. When every other parent he saw looked at their children with such adoration, the blank expressions he received from his had to be a fault of his own.
Because he never really knew what it was like to be cared for, to be touched in loving ways, Hua Cheng had spent his entire life at arms' length. It had always been fine. It had always been normal. He had come from nothing and worked his way up into someone with the means to care for himself. All the way, he had done it on his own. He had no one to lean on and had always firmly believed that was the way life was supposed to be.
And then he met Xie Lian.
It wasn’t like he changed right then and there. In a lot of ways, he was still the same little boy who didn’t want to be around other people. The only person he wanted to be near was Xie Lian. The only person who mattered was Xie Lian. The only person of any worth in this world was Xie Lian.
He felt like someone easy for Hua Cheng to dedicate himself to. And maybe that was partly because Xie Lian didn’t look at him like everyone else did. From the moment they met, he had regarded Hua Cheng with a smile. Hua Cheng had never forgotten it. So genuine it was, bright and warm like the sun. The second he saw that smile, something changed. After spending his whole life wanting solitude, there was a new desire drumming in his heart, one that was far more powerful than any other.
I want to hold his hand.
It turned out to be everything about him. There wasn’t one thing that Hua Cheng liked above all the others. Xie Lian was everything. Hua Cheng had never actively sought out companionship. He’d always done his best to keep people away. It was generally pretty easy to do, as well. He’d spent his entire life honing the skill. When he met Xie Lian, he had to learn how to let people in. But truthfully, it had always felt natural. It was like Xie Lian’s soul resonated on a level with his own, as if he understood without words exactly what Hua Cheng needed. And over time, that desire to hold his hand grew into more things. He wanted to tell Xie Lian how beautiful he was. He wanted to take Xie Lian to the places he’d always kept solely for himself. He wanted to share all facets of who he was with Xie Lian with full faith that the pieces that were left of him would be cherished and not broken.
After so much time wanting, watching, becoming enchanted by him, Hua Cheng never made any moves. What they had was so much nicer than anything he’d ever known. Why ruin it? It was a warm summer evening like many they’d spent together. Hua Cheng had insisted on walking Xie Lian home just as he always did. He always said it was for Xie Lian’s safety, of course, but he mostly just wanted those extra minutes at his side, listening to his voice, his laughter, seeing those effortless smiles.
They were halfway there when Hua Cheng felt something touch his hand. Looking down at the space between them, he saw Xie Lian’s pinky wrapped around his own. Hua Cheng could never forget that moment, the way it felt like electricity surged from Xie Lian’s finger into his own, how warm it was. It was like the world stopped spinning for a moment, but his own kept hurtling forward. Dizzying. Invigorating. When he looked up at Xie Lian again, he was blushing, but his smile remained just as honest. As butterflies bloomed in his chest, Hua Cheng knew he had everything he could’ve ever possibly wanted.
His world changed after that day.
Lying in that bed with Xie Lian snuggling into his side, Hua Cheng found his mind wandering to places he would never normally allow it to go. He thought about how it used to be. Before Xie Lian, he had spent many nights lying in that same bed. He knew it was a little too big for just one person, but after spending much of his younger days sleeping on floors or couches as he worked his way up, he’d wanted something bigger, something he knew he wouldn’t feel so confined in. It had been overwhelming to have so much space once he had it, but Hua Cheng had enjoyed the feeling, knowing nothing could take it from him anymore, knowing that he had no one to thank but himself.
The room was always quiet. It had been used purely for sleep and nothing more. There were some nights or mornings when Hua Cheng would lie there, staring at the ceiling as he contemplated the tasks ahead of him, preparing himself for another day of routine. But that was all it really was. Looking down at Xie Lian nestled in his arms, Hua Cheng couldn’t stop thinking about how different it was now. Once such a quiet place, it was now so full of life. He had so many fond memories there.
Memories of Xie Lian giggling like a madman when he discovered an old pair of pyjamas that looked more like an ugly Christmas sweater. Memories of staying up all night holding each other and talking about all the things they wanted for the future, finding ways to weave their desires together and ensure one life would never stray from the other. Memories of making love for the first time, fingers shaking with his nerves and Xie Lian reassuring him that it was perfect because it was them.
It was strange. Hua Cheng had never considered that room a lonely place, but looking back and remembering what it was without Xie Lian, it couldn’t be denied.
Hua Cheng’s fingers trailed delicately over Xie Lian’s side, smiling fondly when he said, “Time to get up.”
“You wouldn’t.” Xie Lian nuzzled into his chest, and as sweet as it was, Hua Cheng really couldn’t afford to stay in bed any longer.
“I wouldn’t?” Hua Cheng tickled along Xie Lian’s waist, chuckling as he began to writhe in his hold. “It’s like you don’t know me at all.”
“No!” Xie Lian cried out between bouts of laughter, swatting at Hua Cheng’s hands. He tried to push himself away, but it was futile with Hua Cheng’s strong hold around him. Xie Lian whined, giggling under his breath. “Stooop San Laaang!”
“I gave you five extra minutes,” Hua Cheng spoke gently even as Xie Lian continued to try to escape his grasp. He could feel Xie Lian’s stomach muscles shake with his laughter, and eventually, he was splayed out on the bed under Hua Cheng, giving in to the torture. Taking a moment, Hua Cheng admired the effortless beauty as Xie Lian’s whole face lit up with his smile. Finally, Hua Cheng pulled his hands away to wipe the tears at the corner of Xie Lian’s eyes. “You should be thanking me.”
“Oh, really?” Xie Lian was still giggling, coming down from the onslaught of tickles. He pulled Hua Cheng down over him and nudged their noses together as he said, “You’re lucky I love you.”
Hua Cheng felt his heart begin to race. Xie Lian was right. He was lucky. He was so, so lucky. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t known, of course. The day he met Xie Lian, he’d considered himself lucky. It just felt a little bit more profound that morning in a way he couldn’t quite explain.
Overwhelmed by such strong feelings of devotion, Hua Cheng leaned in and kissed him. It wasn’t deep or passionate, just a simple press of lips against lips, an attempt to show Xie Lian how much he adored him, to share the emotions he couldn’t quite put into words.
Xie Lian hummed happily, smiling as he quietly said, “I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.”
“You’re being far too cute this morning. I couldn’t resist,” Hua Cheng admitted. He crawled off the bed, taking Xie Lian’s arms and laughing as he slumped dramatically when Hua Cheng pulled him up. “Come on, gege. You promised I could wash your hair.”
“Mn, I did.” Xie Lian reluctantly got to his feet, immediately wrapping his arms around Hua Cheng’s neck and leaning into him. “But I’m so sleepy…”
Hua Cheng had dealt with this many times, but it didn’t matter. He was no less weak to the sweetness that was Xie Lian first thing in the morning. Resting his hands on Xie Lian’s thighs, Hua Cheng pulled Xie Lian up into his arms and pressed a kiss to his nose, “I think you just like me carrying you.”
Xie Lian’s legs wrapped around his waist and he rested his head against Hua Cheng’s shoulder. “That’s my little secret.”
Affection bloomed in Hua Cheng’s chest. It was hard to believe any emotions could be so strong, but Xie Lian always seemed to make Hua Cheng feel things much more deeply than he ever normally would. Carrying him into the bathroom, Hua Cheng carefully lowered Xie Lian onto the counter, laughing when Xie Lian wouldn’t let go.
“Why are you being so adorable this morning?” Hua Cheng asked, genuinely curious.
If he was completely honest with himself, this was all pretty normal. Xie Lian forced himself to get up when he had work, but on days when he was staying home, this happened almost every time. Maybe it was just hitting a little differently that morning. Maybe he was just feeling a little sentimental. All he knew was that he felt even more in love than he ever had before.
“You’re so warm, and you smell nice.” Xie Lian reluctantly looked up, pouting. “I want to make the most of it before you have to work.”
“We can cuddle while I work,” Hua Cheng offered. He’d have to adjust his setup to make it feasible, but if it made Xie Lian happy, it would be worth it. It did sound nice to have Xie Lian wrapped up in his arms while he tried to finish his projects. “I know how much you like to watch.”
Xie Lian looked at him, golden eyes sparkling. “Really?”
“Really.” Hua Cheng took Xie Lian’s toothbrush, applied toothpaste, and handed it to him. “Shower first.”
Xie Lian stuffed the toothbrush into his mouth, dropping down from the counter as he began to brush his teeth. Hua Cheng did the same with his own toothbrush, watching Xie Lian through the mirror. He did still look very sleepy. His hair fell in his face, eyes half lidded as he seemed to move on autopilot. Hua Cheng admired the way his cheeks puffed up a little with the toothbrush in his mouth, making him look a bit like a sleepy squirrel. It was one of the world’s greatest mysteries: how Xie Lian was capable of being so cute without even trying.
Once they were finished, Hua Cheng turned on the shower, taking the time while the water was warming to undress them both. Xie Lian was only wearing a pyjama top. It was one of Hua Cheng’s, so it fell to the middle of his thighs. The arms were a little too long as well, and it all made Xie Lian look a bit smaller than he really was, but Hua Cheng found it oddly charming. Maybe it was because it was his own clothes. Maybe he enjoyed the feeling of claiming him in that subtle way.
Hua Cheng stepped closer, unbuttoning Xie Lian’s top. He bit his lip as more and more skin was exposed, revealing a trail of bites starting from Xie Lian’s neck and moving all the way down to his navel. Had he really been that voracious the night before? Hua Cheng remembered leaving the marks. He remembered the desire to worship every inch of Xie Lian’s body, and he remembered the enthusiasm as Xie Lian’s fingers tangled in his hair and urged him not to stop. But he hadn’t realised he’d left such a path behind.
He couldn’t resist leaning in and pressing his lips to one of the bites on Xie Lian’s shoulder.
Xie Lian wrapped his arms around Hua Cheng and said, “You can add some more if you like.”
Hua Cheng laughed, kissing Xie Lian’s shoulder. “Don’t tempt me like that.”
“Why? I can tell you want to,” Xie Lian gently coaxed.
Hua Cheng's fingers trailed along Xie Lian’s arms, threading together as their hands met. He was painfully aware of how different things were in a way he never had been before. That room had also been for function only. Most of his home had been just the same. No comfort. No warmth. A place to sleep and take care of himself, a pitstop in life. How was it that Xie Lian’s presence made even this feel special? His toothbrush sat beside Hua Cheng’s. A few store-brand products in one half of the cupboard while the other had more expensive ones, though they often switched just to smell a bit like each other. There was something reassuring about seeing two of each item, though Xie Lian was right; they'd save money if they just bought one. But Hua Cheng rather liked the little reminders that Xie Lian lived there, too.
“How about,” Hua Cheng slowly kissed his way up Xie Lian’s neck as he said, “We get in the shower… and maybe I'll nibble you a little…”
The flex of Xie Lian’s hands as they tightened in Hua Cheng’s hold caused his heart to flutter. Xie Lian truly was like sunshine. There had never been anyone who so perfectly encapsulated the feeling of happiness quite like him.
“It seems like I keep getting the good end of these deals this morning,” Xie Lian noted.
“Really?” Hua Cheng grazed his teeth against Xie Lian’s jaw. “I feel like I won the lottery.”
It was difficult to pull himself away. For someone who had spent his life trying to keep people from getting close, Hua Cheng was like a moth to a flame when it came to Xie Lian.
Maintaining eye contact, Hua Cheng slipped off his clothes, utterly mesmerised as Xie Lian did the same. It was like having an angel in his bathroom. Hua Cheng supposed everything with Xie Lian felt a bit like that. Reaching out a hand, Hua Cheng smiled. Xie Lian came to him without hesitation, and as they embraced, Hua Cheng was struck by an overwhelming sense of devotion. He had never wanted anyone, but Hua Cheng knew that he would sacrifice everything he had just for the chance to hold Xie Lian like that.
Stepping into the shower, Xie Lian hummed happily as the warm water hit his skin. Tipping his head back and allowing the water to cascade through his hair, Xie Lian was enchanting. Almost immediately, he was soaked through, smiling up at Hua Cheng with so much love it was almost palpable. Maybe that was what had been overwhelming Hua Cheng so much. Maybe he was still coming to terms with the fact that Xie Lian loved him. Maybe Hua Cheng wasn't entirely convinced it was possible for anyone to love him.
Hua Cheng allowed himself to be pulled under the water, ignoring the downpour. Instead, his attention was entirely on Xie Lian, closing the gap between them as their mouths met. It was more than a desire to be close. Hua Cheng felt like he needed it, like he might just die without it. He'd always been a logical person, but Xie Lian quietened that side of him, instead feeding the impulsivity he never knew was buried inside him. He might've told himself he was being ridiculous, that they had spent all morning locked in a loving embrace and there was no need for more, but Xie Lian cupped his face in his hand, Xie Lian smiled and happily sighed against his lips; he eagerly pulled Hua Cheng in for more. How could it be wrong if it made Xie Lian so happy?
Hua Cheng had never known himself to be this way. He'd always been cold, distant, uncertain of how to form relationships and just as uncomfortable with the very notion. There was nothing worse than those couples that couldn’t keep their hands off each other in public, but that was exactly what he’d become. Xie Lian ignited something in him. Xie Lian made him want, crave, yearn. Every time they touched, it was like a small fire burning beneath Hua Cheng's skin. When they were apart, he found himself missing that warmth more than anything. Xie Lian had taught Hua Cheng so many things about himself.
Xie Lian nibbled Hua Cheng's lip. “We're wasting water.”
“Funny, I thought us both being here meant we were conserving water. Evens itself out, right?”
Despite his words, Hua Cheng picked up the shampoo, pouring some into his hand and beginning the slow process of lathering Xie Lian’s hair. It was slow for two reasons. Firstly, there was so much of it and not a strand could go untouched. Secondly, and most importantly, Hua Cheng wanted to take his time. When it came to caring for Xie Lian, it was a marathon, not a sprint. However long it took would be worth it for the joy it offered his beloved.
As Hua Cheng massaged the soap into his scalp, Xie Lian leaned into his hands like a cat nudging for pets. Hua Cheng laughed, “Are you still tired?”
“Mn.” Xie Lian looked up at him with those big golden eyes. “It just feels really nice.”
“I'm glad.” Hua Cheng grinned, carefully shifting Xie Lian’s head back to rinse out the suds. Again, he ran his fingers through the silky hair, making sure all the soap was gone.
Bathing had always been a quick thing, something Hua Cheng did as part of the daily routine. Five minutes and he was out. With Xie Lian, he could've stayed under the water forever, taking time to map out every part of his body. Xie Lian was a work of art, something far too lovely to be tainted by Hua Cheng’s hands, yet he was the only one allowed so close. Such a privilege. Hua Cheng could only dream that one day he would be worthy of it.
Once his hair was rinsed, Hua Cheng began slowly and methodically rubbing soap into Xie Lian's skin anywhere he could reach and admiring his body as he did. Xie Lian had such toned arms. He was much stronger than he looked, something that Hua Cheng often found himself admiring. Particularly when a playful wrestle in the bedroom led to being pinned down and receiving the world's loveliest smile. Hua Cheng hugged Xie Lian close as he rubbed the soap into his back, feeling out the flex of muscles and letting his hands wander to gently cup his ass. Because he could. Because he was allowed. Because somehow this was what his life had become.
Xie Lian didn't say anything. He didn't pull away, didn't playfully chide Hua Cheng for his antics. He only leaned in close, hummed appreciatively, and gently dug his fingers into Hua Cheng’s shoulders.
Hua Cheng was keenly aware of everything about Xie Lian’s body. The heat of the water gave his skin a rosy glow, the drops slowly sliding over him in rivulets, somehow making him even more breathtaking. As Xie Lian pressed his body against him, Hua Cheng could feel another part of him beginning to stir.
Laughing fondly, Hua Cheng began a slow trail of kisses along Xie Lian’s neck and whispered, “Does my touch excite you, gege?”
Xie Lian hid his face, a soft noncommittal sound leaving his lips even as he languidly rolled his hips against Hua Cheng’s thigh. “Not just your touch…”
“Oh?”
“Everything about you. You love me so much. You take such good care of me.” Xie Lian's breath hitched as he seemed to grind against Hua Cheng just right. “Mn, you make me so happy.”
Hua Cheng went still, taking a moment to process what Xie Lian had just said. He'd never been anything to anyone before, never meant anything. He'd never wanted anyone to care about him. For Hua Cheng, the most important thing had always been to take care of himself.
Other people didn't matter. Everyone took care of themselves; there was no reason to extend a hand. But for Xie Lian, he wanted to be more than a face in the crowd, more than someone who made him laugh sometimes or remembered his favourite movie (The Princess Bride, of course). Hua Cheng had never cared about being special to anyone before, but knowing that he made Xie Lian happy did things to him, made him feel things he'd never felt.
Why was he forcing down tears over something so simple?
Hua Cheng tried not to focus too deeply on his feelings, instead grazing his teeth gently along Xie Lian’s neck and saying, “Well, let me take care of you.”
He could feel Xie Lian shiver in his arms, could feel him leaning further against him like he couldn't bear to be separated. Hua Cheng caressed Xie Lian's side, feeling out the elegant curve of his waist and hip, following every lazy roll of Xie Lian's hips as he tried to use Hua Cheng to satisfy his needs. It was difficult not to get stuck in his thoughts. Xie Lian was so beautiful. Hua Cheng was so lucky.
Lips trailed to Xie Lian's shoulder, kissing glistening beads of water from his skin. Hua Cheng sighed. "Can I touch you, gege?"
"Mn." Xie Lian hummed, taking Hua Cheng by the wrist and guiding him to his cock.
There was a laziness to every touch. A familiarity that came from years of reciprocated affection. Hua Cheng's hand moved on autopilot, knowing precisely what it was that Xie Lian liked. He'd memorised it long ago, dedicated his very being to providing everything he could to the man he loved. And that was a startling realisation.
There was a time in Hua Cheng's life, a prominent part of who he was, that revolved solely around himself. Not because he thought he deserved it, but because he was profoundly aware that people would use him and leave him for dead. It was easier—no, it was safer—to focus on himself and push everyone else away. Xie Lian defied all logic Hua Cheng had ever lived by. A lifetime of learning to keep people at arm's length had been swiftly deconstructed. It was no longer about protecting and preserving himself. It was entirely about making Xie Lian happy.
Because the world was dark and cold, but Xie Lian… Xie Lian was sunshine.
Hua Cheng kept touching them together, all the soft, slow, lazy movements of a Saturday morning. And as Xie Lian drew him in, Hua Cheng was powerless against his pull. One kiss blended into the next with a practiced precision, following the whims of their bodies and every instinct that had ever told them this was where they belonged. Hua Cheng soaked in every delicate sound, every sustained sigh, and indulged his own quiet moans. It was vulnerability. It was trust. It was a feeling Hua Cheng had never considered himself capable of, but had always been there for Xie Lian. He'd just never allowed himself to notice it until that day.
The cascade of water hid the tears in Hua Cheng's eyes as they brought each other to release, suppressing the heavy realisations even from himself before they could dare ruin what was perhaps the most perfect morning they'd ever shared together. Not because it was in any way more special than another, but because it had so impeccably epitomised the flawless nature of their connection. They stayed in the shower far too long that morning, basking in the effortlessness of a love Hua Cheng would've once called fantastical.
Hua Cheng tried to make himself feel more normal by the time he settled in front of his computer. And though he attempted to shift into his usual routine and the mindset that came with it, there was a warmth in his chest that couldn't be ignored. Xie Lian's touch was like a ghost haunting his skin, the memory of delicate lips and tender hands still skirting along his body like a phantom. Like a promise. Looking down at the photo of them that sat proudly on his desk, Hua Cheng was far too weak to contain his shy smile.
He reached out, trailing a finger along the frame as if he were admiring a priceless work of art. Hua Cheng's study was just another part of his home that had been designed for function alone. Somewhere he could work on commissions and art. He vividly remembered what that room looked like before. Beige everywhere, save for the oak desk stained dark, contrasting everything else. A bookshelf to one side, but that was it. Nothing else made up the space. It looked so different now.
The curtains had been replaced with deep burgundy ones at Xie Lian's insistence. "Red is your colour," he'd said, and Hua Cheng immediately loved the adjustment. A fox plush sat on his desk beside the picture, something Xie Lian had gotten him when they were still trying to figure out what they felt for each other. A second chair sat to one side, always pulled closer when Xie Lian wanted to watch him work.
Pictures adorned the walls, all Hua Cheng's art. They were only there because Xie Lian had insisted that such beautiful things should be displayed. Hua Cheng had never been so proud of his endeavours. The biggest picture of all was a large collage piece they'd created together, hundreds of flowers and leaves Xie Lian had pressed in books ever since he was a child slotted together to create something so colourful and vibrant. That was what Xie Lian did.
Xie Lian added colour to his once monochromatic life.
When the door opened, Hua Cheng was met with the sight of his beloved wearing nothing but one of his hoodies. It sat long on Xie Lian, reaching down to his thighs, and he'd had to bunch the sleeves up to use his hands, holding a tray in front of him. Two steaming mugs and two plates of food sat atop the tray. It looked like crepes, though some were a little torn, others a bit charred.
"I made you some coffee and breakfast," Xie Lian explained. "It's the most important meal of the day."
Xie Lian spoke with a tender shyness. It was more than drowsiness. His nose was dusted with a rosy glow. His teeth were digging into his bottom lip. He was averting his gaze as if looking at Hua Cheng were like looking at an eclipse. It had all the hallmarks of presenting a gift to a crush. Not someone he'd been dating for years.
Staring at it, Hua Cheng's mind began to race. There were a million clues being delivered to him, things he'd always known, but never taken the time to fathom. Xie Lian had made the coffee in Hua Cheng's favourite mugs. The matching ones they'd gotten the first time they went on vacation together. Xie Lian had made Hua Cheng's favourite kind of breakfast, one he rarely got to have because Xie Lian didn't often have the time to cook for him in the morning. Xie Lian had brought two of everything. Because he wanted them to have breakfast together, but knew that Hua Cheng needed to work. Xie Lian was wearing his clothes, something Hua Cheng had said he loved, and he knew Xie Lian did, too. The shy mannerisms. The charming blush.
A tear slowly slid down Hua Cheng's cheek, and his lip began to quiver.
"San Lang?" Xie Lian frowned, lowering the tray in his hands. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," Hua Cheng whispered, sucking in a sharp breath and swiftly averting his gaze. "I'm uh, I'm fine."
He clenched his fists on the desk, trying to push back the emotions for the hundredth time that morning, but finally finding he couldn't. There had been too much. The dam had begun to crack under the weight of it all, and the deeply withheld feelings were seeping through the fissures. The tears kept coming in waves, each one stronger than the last, until he was covering his face with his hands, choking back sobs and silently begging his body to control itself.
He heard the clatter as Xie Lian placed the tray down, letting his hands be pulled away and replaced with Xie Lian's cradling his face. There was panic in Xie Lian's voice. "I-I'm sorry. Whatever I did, I'll fix it. You don't— You don't have to have breakfast. I can bring you something else. Just tell me what's wrong."
"You love me," Hua Cheng murmured, disbelief in his voice.
"What?" Xie Lian looked stunned, but Hua Cheng's mind was still spiralling.
"You love me. You love me so much, don't you?" Hua Cheng's fingers trembled, and he let out a quiet whimper. "Oh, fuck…"
It wasn't as though they'd never said it before. Xie Lian had been telling Hua Cheng he loved him for a very long time. But it felt different. Hua Cheng hadn't let himself sit in it and fully grasp those feelings. He'd never let himself take the time to process the gravity of it. There was a truth that he'd kept buried to protect himself: Hua Cheng had always believed himself to be unlovable.
Hua Cheng didn't believe Xie Lian was lying about it, but he had been going through this love in the safest way he knew how. Not necessarily believing it might end at any time, but never letting himself process Xie Lian's feelings in all their depth. Because the thought of it ever going away was unbearable. And yet, this had reached a level beyond that, a level that made it clear Xie Lian wasn't going anywhere. It was now safe to feel it, but there was so much to feel.
Xie Lian pulled Hua Cheng into his arms, and it felt natural to be held. To let himself be loved and cared for in a way he once believed would never be true. Doting hands combed through his damp hair, gently rocking him and quietly reassuring, "Of course I do. Didn't I tell you I loved you a long time ago?"
"I just— I-I didn't think anyone could ever—" Hua Cheng began to stammer, trying to organise his thoughts. "Let alone you."
"Hey." Xie Lian pulled away to look into his eyes, offering a reassuring smile and encouraging, "Take a deep breath for me, okay?"
Hua Cheng nodded tentatively, doing as he was told. Taking a breath didn't stop the thoughts swarming his mind, but it did make them calm. It made them less chaotic. He didn't know why he was panicking. Perhaps because he'd been loved by Xie Lian for so long, but hadn't shown nearly enough appreciation. Xie Lian didn't know how much he meant to Hua Cheng. Not really. Not as much as he deserved.
Xie Lian brushed his thumb against Hua Cheng's cheek, a look of unending fondness in his golden eyes. "You are worthy of so much love. And I am so lucky I get to be the one loving you every single day."
"You make my life so much better," Hua Cheng pressed, hoping Xie Lian might know just how much he meant it. "You make me better."
Xie Lian rested their heads together. "You do the same for me."
"I just… I never thought about it before," Hua Cheng admitted. "I was so lonely before you."
Hua Cheng hated to say it. He'd always believed that he was doing a good job taking care of himself, and that he really didn't need anyone to be happy. But having Xie Lian in his life had altered his perspective. Because Hua Cheng had spent his life muting himself. He'd been what was necessary to get the job done, and had kept the rest of his personality hidden away. Even in his home. But since Xie Lian came into his life, he had learned to be himself. Because that was the person Xie Lian liked best. And seeing Xie Lian happy was everything.
"You want to know a secret?" Xie Lian asked, humming thoughtfully when Hua Cheng nodded. "I was lonely before you, too."
"Really?" Hua Cheng asked, genuinely surprised by the thought. He'd never known someone so lovable before.
"Mn, I could be around people, but they never really got me. Not like you do." Xie Lian kissed Hua Cheng's nose. "We don't have to be lonely anymore."
"I love you so much." Hua Cheng said, drawing Xie Lian in and catching his lips against his own.
It felt like being complete. It was a feeling Hua Cheng had been experiencing for a long time; it had just happened so gradually that he'd never realised it. The parts of himself that were broken had slowly been mended. Xie Lian had meticulously put the pieces back together and somehow made him more beautiful in the process. Like kintsugi. All of Hua Cheng's favourite parts of himself had come from the man he loved. Confidence and romance. Patience, and now introspection. Pieces of himself he would always cherish because they were gifts from Xie Lian, parts he'd learned to grow in order to be the best version of himself for Xie Lian.
"I love you, too." Xie Lian let their lips linger together. "You wanna have some breakfast and show me what you're working on?"
"That sounds perfect," Hua Cheng agreed, though he only pulled Xie Lian into his lap and kissed him all over again.
Hua Cheng couldn't know how he'd acquired such a beautiful, colourful life, but he wanted to hold onto it as tightly as he possibly could.