Chapter Text
It was her fault. Everything was her fault. She always knew there was something wrong with her.
There was a reason no one at school liked Luz.
A reason she was too stupid to realize. She was selfish.
No one wanted to be friends with someone who overshared and kept asking for it. Heck, she knew how annoying someone who never stopped talking would be.
The amount of times she was told to shut up, she thought she would’ve learned by now.
Of course, in the Demon Realm, she took it as another chance to have a fresh start. Maybe talk a little less. Maybe just to stop talking at all.
After Eda’s (almost) petrification ceremony, she learned it was best to just stop being so much.
But then she developed another problem. She was nosy. If someone had any problem or just wasn’t having a good day, she just had to know why.
Like it was any of her business. She saw the look in her friends’ faces. She was too happy looking for them to just turn her away. They would feel bad. Because Luz didn’t know how to stop pushing when someone told her to leave them alone.
And then she hogged all the attention when she was sad. Always ‘me, me, me, me!’ What about Eda? What about King? What about her girlfriend she kept lying to?
Did King want to be sacrificed with her when she held the portal open on the Day of Unity? Did she ever ask how he felt? No, because Luz only ever thought about herself.
She only ever thought about if someone would hate her or not. It was all about her feelings.
Especially in the Bonesborough Brawl! That was Amity’s big day to finally prove herself to her dad! And what did Luz do? ‘Oh, boohoo, my dad’s deaaddd.’
She cringed at her past self. She really did need to just shut the fuck up sometimes.
How she was so eager and naive to Phillip. Lillith knew there was something wrong and Luz just didn’t listen for some reason.
Because Phillip was definitely more trustworthy than Eda’s blood sister.
And she only wanted to save Eda and King for what? Her own personal benefit?
Even yesterday when she got up on her desk self-projecting how worthless she was. That was so embarrassing…
It was clear people only liked her because she was a generally cheerful person. Even when she wasn’t happy. She was so fucking terrible at not making situations about herself.
Amity only liked her because Luz was kind to her. If anyone else was kind to her Amity would get with them. Luz wasn’t special. Eda even told her that herself. ‘No one’s a chosen one’.
The only person Luz thought couldn’t survive without her was King. King always wanted to spend time with her. King didn’t have any other friends. King only had her. The way he was upset when Luz went to spend time with her other friends. The way King felt he had to sacrifice himself just for Luz.
Luz was pretty selfish choosing to do this. Standing in this cabin, with a kitchen knife. Silver, dirty, she was supposed to clean the dishes but she obviously had other plans.
Luz had hurt herself before. When she was 10, the bullying had gotten so bad that she felt that she deserved it.
She was getting similar feelings now.
Slice.
Blood trickled down her arm. It was a familiar feeling. She remembered the first time she cut herself, it felt… it felt… ah, she couldn’t describe it. Like a sea of emotions.
Slice.
“Hey Luz-er. Got any animals in your backpack? Hahahah.”
The memories kept flooding back to her.
“Come on, curse us in Spanish! All you guys do it all the time anyways.”
“Don’t bother, she’s just a pussy.”
They snatched 10 year old Luz’s sculpture, “What is this? It looks like shit.”
“Yeah, Luz-er, did you get your 5 year old sister to make this? Oh wait, you don’t have any siblings.”
“You know what? You should go home and destroy this. Lucky I won’t beat you up right now.”
“Heh, she’s stupid enough to beat herself up.”
That’s where she got the idea. She tried it, and it made her feel horrible afterward.
She didn’t know why she was doing it again right now.
No, she had a reason. She deserved this. She deserved to feel the pain everyone else did due to her actions.
She hit the hilt of the knife against her arm, leaving a deep bruise.
Not enough.
She hit herself harder.
She wasn’t enough. Luz cut herself again.
She hadn’t noticed she cut a bit deep. There was a tiny pile of blood beneath her, and on the knife.
Shit. She was wearing a short sleeved shirt. She couldn’t hide this.
Her arms were battered so much she’d have to bandage them.
And she couldn’t leave a trail of blood either.
Ah, she had a good excuse. She already took her rabies shot so she’d just say an animal scratched her really bad.
That’d work. That would have to work.
-
She stepped inside her house, Camila was at the stove making a late night snack, “Oh Luz. What are you doing out so late?”
“Nothing.”
She took note of Luz’s arms, “Oooh baby, what happened?”
“Just an animal. I freed it from a trap and it didn’t like that so it scratched me.” Please buy it, please.
“Alright, just make sure to wrap it up in your room. It’s 10 pm, you must be tired.”
“Yeah… See you tomorrow Mama.”
“Goodnight, mija.”
Luz ran up to the bathroom, turning the sink on.
She gripped the edges.
Holy shit this looks bad.
But she needed to clean it.
Deep breaths, Luz, deep breaths.
She shakily put her arm under the water.
It stung.
“ACKK! AHH-“ Luz kissed her teeth, gripping her arm.
Upon hearing Luz fall and sit against the bathtub, Amity knocked on the door, “Hey, Luz? I heard a thud. Are you okay in there?”
God why did she have to get emotional right now. Calm down, Luz.
“Y-Yeah…” Luz whimpered. God, I sound like I’m crying.
“Are you sure?”
Luz couldn’t form any words. She just sniffled loudly and tried to suck up her tears.
“Luz, I know this isn’t in my place to do this but I’m coming in.” Amity opened the door.
Luz was… was covered in cuts and bruises. Save for her face. Amity was horrified, “L-Luz?”
She turned off the faucet and shut the door, kneeling over to comfort her, “L-Luz. Wha-” Amity’s own hands were shaking, “What happened?”
Luz tried to wipe her tears with her bloody hand, “I-I guess I slipped. Heh.” Luz tried to brighten Amity’s mood.
“Luz, no. This is not something to joke about. I’ll I-” Amity stammered, “God, Luz. I’m so sorry I don’t know what to-”
Luz took a deep breath, “Get the first aid kit... I’ll-I’ll handle the rest.”
“Got it.”
I look such a mess.
Now Amity’s wrapped up in this.
“I-I have it.”
“Good, good…” Luz tried to lift her arms but they still stung, “Aghhh!”
“Luz don’t-” Amity gently laid her arm down, “I can- I can do this. Just hold still.”
She got up to wet a cloth, then came back, “This is going to hurt.”
“I know- KSSSS” Luz hissed.
Amity carefully wrapped a bandage around that arm, “Okay. Now the other one.” She looked up to see Luz in utter pain, “Do you need a break? Am I going too fast?”
“No, no… I’m fine, just get it over with.”
She repeated the same process on Luz’s other arm, “There. All done.”
Luz sighed in relief, “Thank you, Amity…”
“Luz, what happened to you?”
“It was an animal. I um, I freed it from a trap and it attacked me.”
“Oh. Luz, next time don’t free animals by yourself.”
“What can I say? It’s just what I do-” Luz tried lifting her arm but it hurt too much to move it.
“Maybe you don’t move that for now. I can help you to bed.” Her girlfriend offered.
“Yeah, that’s fine.”
Amity grabbed her waist and lifted her to her feet, guiding her to their bedroom.
As she set Luz onto her bed, Amity couldn’t help but ask, “Luz. Can I um, sleep with you?”
“Why?”
“I can’t just- Seeing you hurt like that… It hurts me too. I just want to feel that you’re safe.”
Don’t be selfish, “Yeah, Amity, that’s fine.” She made room for her.
Amity hugged her tightly, clinging as if Luz would die spontaneously if she didn’t.
This would be hard to deal with later.