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Just a few.
Right.
As if that wasn't something he'd always tell himself.
Just. A. Few.
But those few turn always turn into -just one more- before he loses control of his hand and it's cut after cut.
It doesn't matter though.
The more the better.
Anything to silence those miserable thoughts flooding his mind. Those that should be burried deep underground.
Killing himself would be a rather selfish way of escaping this mess, or so he believes.
He doesn't want to die in vain, not if he can use his strength to protect others.
Yeah.
Dying so that someone he cares about could live seems nice enough.
The metal swipes against his skin over, and over again, each new swipe feels like it's set on fire. He's aware he must stop before he does too much damage... not that he wants to..
He just can't bear the risk of this getting into the way of fighting. What if he had to save someone but failed because of his injuries hurting too much?
Someone like the traveller.
He'd never forgive himself if something happened to that precious boy just because he was too weak to come to his rescue.
The sharp blade bathed in adepti blood finally drops to the sink. He braces himself against it, his chest heaving up and down, cold sweat dripping down his back. His heart is pounding a little too fast as tears threaten to spill from his golden eyes.
It's okay. It's alright.
But the blood dripping down his arm from warious, deep cuts says otherwise.
Although he's facing the mirror he doesn't dare to look at himself. Not when he's in such a pitiful state.
Crying was also something he despised. It made him feel weak like frail glass, one that would shatter if the wind blew too hard.
Xiao Alatus. The last remaining of the Yaksha. An adeptus so many humans and other beings look up to.
And yet such a disgrace to the other Yakshas.
Why did it have to be him to survive out of everyone?
Surely any other of his fellow fighters would have been much more capable and happier in his place, would they not? More deserving at least.
His karma is eating at him piece by piece as the days pass by yet it still isn't enough to quiet down the voice telling him to end it all.
"Calm down." He whispers to himself, his voice shaky and uncertain. His throat burns and his vision is blurry by this point, droplets of tears already streaming down his face.
He's so weak and pathetic it's almost funny.
No laugh comes out of his mouth at that, only a faint sob.
.........
A few weeks ago Aether and some others managed to get themselves trapped in the heart of the Chasm and called out to Xiao for help.
They managed to come up with an escape plan last minute but because the oh so great and powerful yaksha was wounded and exhausted, his powers were lacking.
All he could think of was to save the others in that moment, the traveller especially.
He locked eyes with Aether and gave him a soft, gentle smile, one of those he reserved for him and him only.
"I love you Aether. Always have."
Those were the last words he said before using up all of his remaining strength to get everyone up, out of that hell.
Everyone except himself.
The cracked platform beneath him finally shattered, and his limp, powerless body began falling into the depths of the mysterious Chasm.
He could finally rest at peace now.
"XIAO!"
Aether's distressed voice echoed from the surface.
Man, he wished he would have hugged Aether for one last time, even if for a short second.
Were it not for Morax saving him last second back then..He would have been-
Quiet.
When he was miraculously brought back up to the surface the traveller burst into tears and refused to let go of him.
"Xiao you idiot I thought we agreed we weren't going to leave anybody behind why the hell would you do that?! I thought I was never going to see you again."
He sobbed, arms tightly wrapped around Xiao's body.
Xiao was content with dying that way. Shame it didn't work out huh?
He didn't answer, and instead returned the hug along with a quiet "I'm sorry."
.......
He collects enough willpower to finally look up into the mirror, staring back at his reflection with his piercing yellow eyes. They were glossy, his cheeks stained with tears and his lips trembling.
All he sees is a weakling that doesn't deserve the title of a yaksha, let alone to be the last one alive.
There's more cuts than he can count covering his arm from multiple sides, near his shoulder.
It's okay. He'll cover them up like he always does. No one's gonna know.
He shakily reaches for the rag tossed by the sink and turns on the faucet to get it wet. The blood droplets in the sink wash down along with the streaming water.
Once he deems it as damp enough he slowly drags it over his fresh wounds.
A sharp hiss leaves his lips once the cloth makes contact with the disrupted skin. He grits his teeth, pressing onto his injuries and pushing through the stinging pain.
He crouches down to open the cabinet below, and to his surprise, he finds it almost empty.
Out of bandages huh?
He rolls his eyes, standing back up. He pulls the rag away - now stained red by his blood- to check whether the bleeding's stopped. His arm looks quite disgusting, hideous one could say. Xiao would agree with them, since he thought the same.
He rinses it in the sink before rubbing it against the dried blood on his skin. He hated this part, but it had to be done in order to keep this bad habit of his a secret.
Sometimes he wonders if Zhonghli knows. If anyone has any idea something like this is going on, he bets it's him.
Maybe that's why he was there to save him. Since he knew Xiao was capable of pulling some kind of shit like that, "sacrificing" himself for others, not caring that it would cost him his own life.
Each time he cuts himself it's for various reasons. How he believes he doesn't deserve to be alive. How he thinks he'd be better off dead. How powerless he is and how many lives slipped through his fingers.
How much he hates himself.
The only reason he's trying to keep his shit together and not give in to the insanity his karma brings him closer to each day.. he doesn't know anymore. He wishes to avoid dying an useless death. That's probably the only thing keeping him and telling him to keep going.
There's a knock at his door that almost makes him jump out of his skin. He was so lost in his thoughts he failed to register anyone's presence.
"Xiao?"
The traveller. Fuck.
The situation between them has been.. well something. Xiao confessed to him since he thought those were the last words Aether would have heard from him. He didn't get a confession back but the traveller's affection towards him since the incident became much more noticable.
He even started showing up at his place more often than not.
"Are you ther-"
"Give me a minute."
He shouts back to be heard from the bathroom. "Shit." He curses under his breath. He stuffs the bloody rag into the cabinet as well as the stained knife, slamming its door shut. Quickly washing his hands he reaches for his gloves and the piece of fabric he always keeps wrapped around his left arm.
"Is everything okay?"
"YES! Just-" He takes a deep breath. Aether didn't do anything wrong, there's no reason for him to get so agressive.
"Pull yourself together." He whispers although he's on the verge of a break down, his cuts sting like hell and he can still feel more blood gushing out of them.
He puts on his gloves and wipes his tears away.
Just don't let anything show.
He finally makes his way to the door, opening it to let the boy in.
"Hey, sorry for the delay." Aether looks beautiful, just like he always does. Blonde messy locks, and golden eyes that shine under the moonlight.
"Don't worry about it, are you okay? You seem a bit.. off." "Yeah, come on in." He steps aside to let him in, further into his apartment.
Aether walks through the hallways and plops down onto the bed. "Man.. 'm so tired." he yawns and the yaksha can't help but smile. He's adorable.
"What brings you here then?" He questions, curiosity taking the better of him.
Aether's back is on the bed, eyes looking out of the Wangshu-in's balcony, at the starry night.
The bedroom was dark, the only lightsource being the moon's glow, it iluminated it well enough though.
Xiao sits onto the bed right besides him.
"Aether?"
"Did you.." he starts but trails off, his cheeks taking on a bit of a pinkish tint, just barely noticable but Xiao catches it.
"..did you mean what you told me in the Chasm?"
Oh. That's what this is about.
He looks away. Asking what he meant was pointless, it was more than obvious.
Xiao lays down, on his side, his face turned to the traveller's back.
"And if I said I did?"
Xiao wasn't worthy of love.
Not of anyone's, let alone Aether's.
But..
Aether turns to face him now, his hand slowly reaches out and fondly cups Xiao's face.
He leans into the touch, lips curling into a small, gentle smile.
Aether shuffles a bit closer, their faces mere inches apart.
"I'd say it back."
Their lips finally touch, after what feels like decades. Xiao's are a bit dry whereas Aether's are soft, he doesn't mind. They move in sync, and tiny turn into proper kisses. They sit up, Xiao hovering him as their lips connect once more, this time with Aether opening his mouth to let his tongue slip in.
He's got him at the end of the bed against the wall, kissing as if his life depended on it. "Xiao." He gasps, one of his hands tangling itself in his dark locks, the other sliding past the thorns on his shoulder down his arm.
He moans into the kiss, eyes shut close as he scrambles to tear each piece of clothing off Xiao- he tugs on the piece of cloth hanging on his left arm, causing it to slide a bit low..
Low enough to see.
When the yaksha pulls away to let him take a breath, Aether's, just mere seconds ago heated up face goes pale.
He doesn't have to follow his gaze to figure out what he sees once he realizes how low the fabric covering his little secret hung.
He must of have been in such a hurry he didn't tie the cloth properly, thus it came down so easy.
He's screwed.
"I was fighting with some monsters near Wangshu-in earlier.. it's nothing." Xiao blurts out, fixing the cloth back up in hopes to erase what Aether just saw.
He sits up, the expression on his face gone completely blank. It couldn't be right? He wouldn't.
Right?
He shakes his head.
"You got those cuts from fighting a couple of petty hilichurls?" A rather ironic question that was filled with doubt to the brim.
"Yes I just told you!" He snaps, a bit harsher than he intends to.
Aether's eyes widen at the sudden raise of his voice. He always spoke with such tenderness towards him, as if being too loud would make him flee. Now?
Xiao sighs. "I'm sorry.. just let it be."
"Xiao-"
"Aether please."
He really didn't want to talk about this. He stands up, glancing at the blonde. "You may rest here for the night. I have other duties to attend to." And with that his legs move towards the door, to flee this situation as fast as possible.
"Those cuts aren't from a fight, are they?"
He pauses, standing still in the doorway, as if he were contemplating about telling him the truth for a split second.
No denying this time.
Just loud silence that spoke more than words ever could.
"Are they?!" It's Aether yelling this time.
Pushing himself off the unkept bed, closer to Xiao. "Answer me." His fists are clenched and blood is boiling in his veins.
"..like I already told you-"
"Enough of that bullshit Xiao. That thing is soaked with your blood, you're bleeding."
He spits out, hand reaching for the cloth that now had red-ish splotches over it.
He lets it happen.
He lets himself get exposed, just like this, in front of the man he'd go through hours of torture for, the man who meant so much to him.
A shaky breath leaves Aether's mouth when the cloth drops onto the wooden floor.
So many red lines on Xiao's arm, so many cuts. To think he's done all of that to himself.
"Why?!" happens to be the first question that slips.
"Are you stupid? Why- why the hell would you do this to yourself?!" He grabs him by the shoulders, violently shaking him, staring into his life-less eyes.
"Is the karma hurting you not enough? Why do this? Why go this far?!"
"I'm hurting myself, not you nor anyone else. There's no need to be so pressed." He shruggs.
"What the fuck do you mean by that? I care about you Xiao. Others do too. Why not reach out for fuck's sake? Why fall into a habit like this?!"
"None of your business."
"It very much is."
He's frustrated that Xiao out of all people fell into doing this. Perhaps that's the reason he lashed out at him with such anger.
The yaksha can see the anger in his eyes, the disappointment, but among those there's also sickening worry.
Without another word Aether gently sits Xiao back on the bed and leaves the room.
He could teleport away right now and run away.
But he doesn't.
The bathroom cabinet creaks open and for a few seconds all goes completely silent.
Then it slams shut and Aether walks back into the bedroom empty handed, a frown plastered over his lips. He crouches down to his small brown backpack that he brought along with him, laying by the wall.
He takes out a gauze roll, as well as a water bottle and a piece of cloth. He kept those things on hand during his travells to that does he happen to come across a wounded one he can take care of then.
Sitting next to the hurt boy he wets the piece of cloth he took. "May I?"
Xiao hesitates for a bit, but eventually gives in and nods. Only now, when he's tending to his wounds, does Aether notice how much the yaksha's trembling. His head is lowered, as if he was avoiding eye contact.
There's scars and older cuts among the fresh ones. It hurts to know he's done this more times.
"You weren't supposed to know."
He whispers although he doesn't sound as defensive as he did before.
"Nobody was. But especially you."
" ..Why?"
"Being with you always healed me and I could forget about my struggles for at least a small bit. But when I'm alone those dark thoughts consume my mind and it causes me to turn to doing this."
Xiao lets out a pained chuckle, on the verge of breaking down right there and then in front of Aether. It was absurd, really.
"I look pathetic right now don't I?" He turns to face Aether, a tear slipping down his face.
Feeling vulnerable was something he deeply hated too.
"You don't." He replies back with a soothing voice, the motion of his hands on his scarred arm slow.
Xiao places his face into his own hands.
"Look at me Aether. I'm no more than a miserable weakling that's drowning in its own blood and tears."
There's more of those forming in his eyes and streaming down his face.
"Those hideous cuts are just as disgusting as I am. This pain covers the other things that hurt. It helps me forget about everything else and how much I hate myself."
He listens, at a loss for words and quietly wraps his arm with the bandage roll.
Perhaps Aether had been one of the reasons he didn't end it yet this whole time. Although he did attempt.
"I wish I had never made it out of the Chasm alive."
With that the blonde throws himself in his arms, and Xiao's actually crying when he does return the hug.
That's the first time he's ever cried in front him.
"Don't you dare say that ever again." Aether mumbles, his grip tight as if he were restraining Xiao from escaping. His own eyes were glistening with tears.
He lets out quiet sobs into Aether's shoulder. "I'm here it's okay, cry as much as you need."
"Please don't hate me." He
"Hate you?" He pulls away and gently cups Xiao's face with his hand, wiping a tear away with his thumb.
"Nothing in all of Teyvat, or another world for that matter could make me hate you Xiao...I love you, always have and always will."