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Seven years is a long time to know someone, Sion thinks, scrolling through the options for delivery tonight. His first thought is Yushi – it usually is – so he rules out kimchi jjigae, because they ate that last night, and despite his usual affinity for consistency Yushi does not like to have the same meal multiple days in a row. Sion is thankful that he is not kimchi jjigae. The mere idea that Yushi could want him one day and be tired of him the next churns his stomach worse than the idea of ordering from the next option on his list, which gave him gastritis last week. Yushi will probably want pizza, Sion deduces, but he’ll ask anyway so he can feel like he’s won something when he’s right. He can hear the hairdryer as he approaches the bathroom, knocks only as a courtesy before he lets himself in.
Yushi is questionably attempting to brush his teeth and dry his hair at the same time, his t-shirt – upon closer inspection, maybe Sion’s t-shirt – skimming a few inches above the hem of his boxers. He acknowledges Sion in the mirror with a little nod, shutting the dryer off and placing it on the tiny counter.
“What do you want for dinner?” Sion asks his reflection, watching him finish brushing much more effectively now. He spits into the sink and wipes his mouth with the towel around his neck.
“Hmm,” Yushi glances at the ceiling thoughtfully. “Pizza?”
“I thought you’d say that,” Sion grins, thumbing through the order he preemptively started carting. “Cheese crust?”
“Cheese crust,” Yushi nods, mirroring his show of teeth. He picks up the hairdryer again. “Since you’re here, can you help me with the back?”
Sion really hates drying his own hair, but he doesn’t mind doing it for Yushi. He combs through the wet strands with his fingers, frowning at how slimy it feels from bleach damage.
“You really should use that stuff Ryo got for you,” Sion says, carefully aiming the dryer with low heat because it will take longer. It’s rare to get to savor a quiet moment alone like this.
“I don’t want him to have the satisfaction of being right.”
“So petty,” Sion chuckles. They fall into a comfortable silence after that, and Yushi’s eyes are closed by the time Sion finishes. He blinks them open once Sion sets the dryer down again, shaking out his hair and turning around to face him.
“Thank you,” Yushi says, smiling sweetly and lifting onto his toes to plant a dry kiss on Sion’s lips. It’s chaste, quick, but Sion’s heart thumps all the same.
Seven years is a long time to love someone.
Yushi would argue the pragmatics of that – you didn’t love me from the very beginning, hyung, he might say, or I know you didn’t fall in love at first sight with that scrawny kid who could barely speak Korean. Both would technically be right. Yushi is honest, and even now, with enough fluency in two languages to be able to express things with more tact, he usually doesn’t. Still, Sion appreciates that he has never had to play guessing games, even back when Yushi needed a translation app to get his points across.
It's kind of funny, now, to think about some of their earliest days. Yushi even as a young teenager had an incredible air of professionalism, the result of being thrust into a spotlight from the moment he could hold a note. Sion would mess up during a dance lesson and Yushi would simply shake his head, stopping him with a hand on his arm. Once he had his attention, he would give a thumbs down, demonstrating whatever Sion did wrong. Then, a thumbs up before showing the correct way to do it. He’d look at Sion expectantly, eyes full of everything he couldn’t yet express in words he didn’t yet have, and Sion would try again.
Trying – effort, really – is something that Sion thinks about a lot. Unlike Yushi, he had never planned to be an idol. He grew up watching his parents work hard at everything from raising cattle to being partners, and they never placed any expectations on him other than to be a decent person. Yushi’s life couldn’t have been more different, his family sending him off to become a star before he had even started puberty. Their first few years training together, half of Sion’s effort goes to learning how to sing and dance and stand out. The other half quickly becomes dedicated to learning Yushi.
“You like hyung, don’t you?”
Two years in, Sion poses the question over a bowl of soup that they snuck out late at night to eat. Trainees have come and gone, groups and roommates have rearranged, but never Sion and Yushi. Without fail, they have never been split up, and Sion finds himself certain that they never will be even before the company confirms it. Still, two years is not such a long time to know someone. Circumstance, chance, luck, whatever, all of that is one thing. To spend this kind of time together, to care about each other beyond what their situation naturally demands – effort, that’s a choice.
Yushi’s answer is a little shrug as he blows on his spoon and brings it to his smirking mouth. Sion knows him well enough at this point to know he’s teasing him, that he has more than enough evidence to show that of course Yushi likes him. Still, he finds his shoulders drooping a bit, feels himself grow quieter not to hear him say it out loud.
That night, Sion lays in bed facing the wall, his stomach stirring with a bout of loneliness that only presents itself in the dark like this, when he remembers how far he is from home. He doesn’t hear Yushi’s footsteps before feeling his mattress shift under his weight. A lot of the trainees sleep together, only natural for young boys to seek comfort under pressure, fitting themselves into different bunks every night like Tetris. Yushi typically prefers his own space, not seeming to need the same kind of soothing even as young as he still is, but he tends to know when Sion does. His arms wrap around Sion’s waist and his chin hooks over his shoulder. Sion breathes out, the ache in his chest starting to dull.
“Of course I like hyung,” Yushi mumbles, tucking his face into Sion’s neck. “I like Sion-hyung the most.”
Sion puts his hands over Yushi’s and squeezes. He is still just a baby, really. Sion often wonders if he feels the same homesickness that he does, if he ever feels like he’s missed out on another life free of constant scrutiny.
Yushi has never mourned his childhood, at least not openly, and Sion knows by now that it’s not his place to do it for him. Celebrity was always in his future whether it was on this path or if he had chosen to keep playing soccer. A normal life, like the one Sion had until he was already in high school or all the experiences Riku was afforded even longer than that, was never in the cards for Yushi. Maybe that’s why it took so long for Sion to let go of seeing him as a kid, as if he could somehow restore something he lost by taking care of him like an older friend at school would. That’s what Yushi needed from him, or at least that’s what he convinced himself was true to avoid an alternative that put much more at stake.
Circumstance, chance, luck, whatever, all of that is one thing, and effort is a choice. Love, however, is all of those things, more than those things, and something else entirely.
Promotion cycles are a double-edged sword. Sion loves being in front of fans, feeds off the energy, doesn’t even mind having to wake up at three in the morning for pre-recordings, honestly. It catches up, though, and it is tiring no matter how much he enjoys the rush. He leans back, face feeling like wax from all the makeup reapplications. He closes his eyes and tries to sleep for the 30-minute ride back to the dorms after a long day of rehearse, perform, record, repeat. It’s the last week of this, and the final stretch always feels like running on empty. He lets out an audible sigh and soon after feels three taps against the back of his headrest. Tap, tap, tap. One, two, three. Dai jo bu? Sion reaches one hand back, letting Yushi loosely intertwine their fingers. He doesn’t have to look over his shoulder to know he’s leaning his full weight against the back of Sion’s seat.
When they reach home, Sion goes straight to his room, dropping onto his bed with what feels like the weight of a cement block. He’s too exhausted to fight for the shower first, maybe won’t shower at all, which he knows is gross but he really is that spent. He should at least wash his face because he really doesn’t want to break out, and maybe he can manage a quick body rinse. He lays still, watching the dots of light on the back of his eyelids dance around for a bit while he contemplates what to do, hearing the shower turn on and off a few times around negotiations between the others – let me go first, I’ll do your laundry tomorrow; let’s just go in together, it will be faster; did Sion-hyung go in with Yushi? I didn’t see him; Yushi-hyung snuck in, that’s not fair. Sion smiles to himself. There’s a knock on his door not long later.
“Skincare service,” Yushi’s voice calls in a sing-song cadence before letting himself in. Sion forces his eyes open, sluggishly propping himself up on his elbows to watch Yushi play up the bit, swaying his hips as he carries in an armful of product and tools. He’s freshly showered with his pink hair sticking up everywhere, bare faced and dressed in pajamas, possibly Sion’s favorite iteration of him.
“What is this?” Sion asks, unbearable fondness swelling in his chest. Yushi throws his haul onto the bed by Sion’s legs, placing a delicate hand on his shoulder.
“An anonymous party has ordered a special package for you,” Yushi says in his best customer service voice, and Sion stifles a laugh. “Just relax, and I’ll take care of everything.”
“I don’t know how you find the energy,” Sion says as Yushi climbs onto the bed, swinging a leg over his hips to straddle him. He smells like Daeyoung’s shower gel, which would have made Sion jealous at a time he didn’t know any better.
“I feed off my clients,” Yushi says simply, ducking down to nip playfully at Sion’s neck. Sion laughs from his low belly, feeling the tension leave his body. “Stay still for me.”
Sion closes his eyes and lets Yushi get to work, listening to the package of wipes open first, then feeling them swipe in firm but gentle motions across his tired face, carefully removing the layers of makeup. Yushi hums and sings softly while he works – their songs, the ones they spent all day performing, but Sion couldn’t be sick of them when he’s hearing them again like this. He smiles, content to be pampered and have Yushi’s full attention, to feel his warm weight in his lap. He’s good at taking care of him. It’s a shame it took so long for Sion to accept that.
He feels dabs of micellar water on cotton pads, sprays of toner, pats of moisturizer onto his skin. Yushi smoothes over his eyebrows with dry fingers, traces down the bridge of his nose, massages his temples.
“Yushi,” Sion murmurs, “sleep with me tonight.”
“That’s hardly appropriate, sir,” Yushi says, maintaining his loose roleplay.
“I’ll tip extra,” Sion grins, opening his eyes to see Yushi’s amused expression looking back at him.
“Propositioning me like this… I think I’ll have to report you.”
“Ushi,” Sion whines, and Yushi pinches his cheeks. “Please?”
“I know you’re not going to shower,” Yushi says, scrunching his nose.
“You’re already on top of me. What difference does it make?”
“Hyung,” Yushi sighs loudly, then steels him with a serious expression, bracing himself on his shoulders. “I would never even consider this for anyone else. I hope you know that.”
“I do,” Sion smiles, because he’s won, because Yushi will stay. “I know.”
The list of exceptions that Yushi makes for Sion is short but impactful. There are certain things that Yushi prefers to compartmentalize depending on the number of eyes or cameras present, but he is firm in what he doesn’t allow for the others that he would never deny Sion, no matter who is watching, no matter what that may end up revealing about the nature of their relationship.
Sweat is gross and saliva is grosser if it’s anyone else’s, but Yushi will tuck himself into Sion’s damp side after a dance practice and steal a sip from the straw that just left Sion’s mouth without missing a beat. For a long time, Sion tried to ignore the implication of the clear partiality, but it grew harder to do that under the discerning gaze of the two youngest who look up to them so much. Sakuya looks at them with disgust, often the first to loudly object to Yushi’s inconsistencies when it’s him who doesn’t get something he wants because of it. The two of them are similar, Sion often thinks, cute and straightforward and comforting by the mere fact of their existence. The other members all really adore Yushi, which usually makes Sion’s heart feel like it could burst out of his chest but on occasion can be a blatant reminder of how much he aches to monopolize Yushi’s attention and affection.
Sion is selfish in this way that is uniquely molded by his relationship with Yushi, and it still surprises him at times how aggressively it can rear its head. Yushi is selfish in his own way, one that makes it obvious that he was an only child long enough to remember it, that he has never not been praised because he has never not been good at something. It’s part of what has made him disciplined, so driven to be successful, and sometimes Sion thinks it’s the prettier way to be selfish because it’s not his. Sion’s version comes out in petulance and greed, in whining and sulking, in bruises sucked into Yushi’s skin where only he is allowed to see them. Irrational, possessive, unable to help himself, even when he knows it doesn’t make sense.
When Yushi comes home from his surprise filming with Kai, he’s glowing so much that Sion has to send himself huffing and puffing to a timeout in his room.
“You’re jealous?” Yushi poses it plainly when he finds him later, and he sounds amused. “He’s 10 years older than me.”
“He’s been your crush since you were in elementary school,” Sion says.
“Celebrity crush,” Yushi corrects. “Everyone knows those aren’t real.”
“You were so shy,” Sion insists. “I’ve never seen you like that.”
“I was starstruck.”
“Whatever, I told you it was silly.”
Yushi stifles a laugh.
“You really like me that much?” He asks.
“Too much,” Sion buries his face in his pillow, embarrassed.
“You’re really cute, hyung,” Yushi says, squeezing his neck. “Look at me.”
Sion peeks up, cheeks warm as he meets Yushi’s sweet gaze.
“Yushi is Sion-hyung’s,” Yushi says, pinning his lower lip under his teeth. “Did you forget?”
Sion could never, is the thing, but it still makes his heart flutter to hear it out loud. Yushi can somehow manage to rile him up and then tame him with the same ease all within minutes. He kisses him sweetly and lays himself out, always so trusting, so willing to let Sion stake his claim. Sion digs his teeth into Yushi’s hips, mouthing over the divots until they bloom purple.
By the time their debut is set in stone, four years already feels like a long time to know someone, but maybe that’s because training for that long in the face of so much uncertainty made the one thing that was always consistent that much more important. In Sion and Yushi’s case, that consistency was each other.
Yushi likes consistency, Sion comes to know. He likes discipline, likes routine, likes the music his mom played when he was a child and likes drinks that are refreshing but slightly bitter and of course, he likes his Sion-hyung. It seems impossible not to, when he’s been reliably by Yushi’s side all this time, but that really just seems like it was up to chance. Four years in, Sion isn’t as hesitant to ask for Yushi’s honesty.
“Are you happy?” Sion asks the night before they are supposed to start filming the survival show. “Debuting with me?”
Yushi looks at him. They’re sitting on the floor of the same practice room they’ve been working together in for years, taking a break from the routine that they’ll show to introduce themselves as the last rookies, the chosen ones, who all of this is for. Sion has never felt good enough next to Yushi if he’s being honest, but he tries not to let that bleed through the cracks in case anyone were to see and decide it’s true. He keeps to himself that he still has an undercurrent of fear that someone will change their mind about his potential and rip the carpet out from beneath him. He wants to debut with Yushi more than he cares about the concept of debuting in general, and that pushes him to work even harder to be worthy of it.
“Of course I am,” Yushi says. Sion almost expected him to joke, to tease, but his sincerity knocks the wind out of him a little bit. “I feel lucky that I get to debut with you.”
“Lucky,” Sion rolls the word around in his mouth. Yushi talks about luck a lot, as if it’s all good fortune and not his incredible talent and hard work that has gotten him to this point. “You deserve this, you know.”
“So do you,” Yushi tilts his head, the way he does when he’s trying to get a read on Sion between the lines, the things he won’t say. “It might be hard for me to share you, though. With a whole team.”
“Really?” Sion laughs. “You must really like hyung.”
“I do. I love hyung,” Yushi says easily. It’s too dimly lit to see much of his face, especially as he glances down at his shoelaces. The room is warm. “I think for the first time, it feels like… you didn’t ask me if I’m ready, or even nervous. You asked if I’m happy, because you want me to be.”
It seems like he’s still thinking, so Sion doesn’t say anything yet. He scoots a little closer and waits patiently for the rest of Yushi’s thoughts.
“I think I can do so well because you take such good care of me,” Yushi nods to the floor. “I know that’s how the others will feel, too. So, I guess… I still want to be special to hyung.”
“Ushi,” Sion says softly, tapping his fingers under Yushi’s chin to get him to look at him. Yushi takes his hand and holds it to his cheek, and Sion’s heart skips when their eyes meet. “No matter what happens next, you’re the only person who has been by my side like this the whole time. You’ll always be special to me.”
Yushi closes his eyes, and he looks so content, so safe in the palm of Sion’s hand. These days, he doesn’t look so much like a baby anymore, and for as much as Sion spoils him he really doesn’t act like one either. They have always worked well together, but as time has passed Yushi has felt more like an equal partner than a little brother who needs Sion looking after him.
Four years is a long time to know someone, but not so long that things can’t change. If Sion had to point to the moment when he realized something was different, it would be around the time they were filming the survival program. Somewhere between the hours of extra rehearsals where their sneakers and heavy breathing echoed off the walls, somewhere between Yushi pulling him up off the floor and wiping the sweat from his forehead so he could find the strength to go again, somewhere between the late-night meals they kept sneaking out for that had become even more precious with time. Maybe it was even over a bowl of kimchi jjigae, when Sion noticed that Yushi had grown to be handsome instead of just cute, or in the quiet, dark cover of their room, when Yushi’s routine of slipping into his bed and wrapping his arms around him made his heart flutter for the first time.
Somewhere between, somewhere along the way, Sion’s feelings started to change, quietly spinning a cocoon in his heart that was supposed to protect them from ever being known. The thing is that when a butterfly grows enough, everyone can see it – the chrysalis becomes transparent. It splits open and the butterfly emerges clumsily, dripping wet, struggling before it can spread its wings and show off that it’s become something beautiful.
There is still a lot that they don’t really need words for now, but Sion likes to hear Yushi’s voice. Needs to hear it, really, if the rare experience of being apart has taught him anything. Sion can go approximately one hour after leaving the members before he needs to text the group chat, and he absolutely cannot go to sleep without calling Yushi first.
“What did you do today?” Sion asks, curled up in his old bed in Mokpo.
“Thought about you,” Yushi says, and Sion can hear the smile in his voice.
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not,” Yushi argues, slipping into Japanese the way he does when he feels like he needs to speak quickly and make a point. “Obviously it’s not all I did, but it’s not a lie. Sion-kun, you should really choose your words more carefully.”
Sion laughs, imagining Yushi’s cute, irritated expression.
“Do you miss me?” He asks next, because he has no shame anymore. It hasn’t even been 24 hours. Yushi hums like he’s thinking about it.
“I’m glad you’re getting some time at home,” Yushi finally says, which isn’t the response Sion expected but it is a very Yushi response all the same. “I miss you, but I miss you no matter where you are.”
“Even when I’m right next to you?” Sion bites his lip, feeling giddy with the sincerity of it all.
“Sometimes.”
“Wow, Ushi… you’re so romantic.”
“And you’re so annoying.”
“I wish I were touching you right now,” Sion rolls onto his back, fingers absently tracing under his belly button. “I miss you so much.”
“Hyung,” Yushi’s voice comes in low and hot, and Sion lets the arousal wash over him like a wave. He’s so easy when it comes to Yushi. “Your parents are there. Don’t be such a pervert.”
“Come home with me next time,” Sion says before he can overthink it. “I’d rather have you missing me from right next to me.”
“You could also come with me,” Yushi tuts, but his tone is syrupy sweet. “I have a family too, you know.”
Sion doesn’t say what Yushi already knows – they are in Tokyo plenty while he barely ever gets a chance to come back to Mokpo anymore. It’s not really about what would be fair when they’re speaking in hypotheticals and neither of them are strangers to making sacrifices, especially when it comes to each other.
“I love you,” Sion says instead of getting into that. Sometimes, stating the simplest truth is best. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“You’re not going to get off with me on the phone?”
“It seemed like you didn’t want me to.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Yushi.”
“Sion.”
Sion responds with an exasperated whine, flipping over onto his stomach. He really hates not being able to just walk down the hall and see Yushi’s face while he laughs at him, or better yet crawl into his lap.
“Hyung,” Yushi tries again, softly. “Listen.”
“Mm,” Sion grumbles.
“I actually don’t want you to touch yourself at all while you’re there,” Yushi says, and Sion can suddenly feel his pulse in his ears. “Can you wait that long, to do it with me in person?”
It’s a silly question. Sion would do anything he asks.
It’s something that Yushi takes advantage of with sex – he can get Sion to do basically anything without much convincing. Yushi may come across as quiet and reserved on camera, but he is far from shy in the bedroom, often the one to initiate and suggest trying something new. Not to say that Sion is never the one thinking about it first – Yushi is always irresistibly attractive to him, and he finds himself turned on at inopportune times all the time.
Like right now, in a music show waiting room, where Yushi is bending over to pick up the pants he hasn’t put on yet and Sion can’t help but let his eyes scan up his leg to search for his birthmark. It’s high up on his left thigh, a pink patch of skin that feels velvety to touch but wouldn’t ever be noticeable if you didn’t know it was there. No bigger than a strawberry, Sion has taken a liking to finding and getting his mouth on at any possible opportunity, but it’s funny to think about now when the first time he ever saw it was so innocent and thoughts like these weren’t even close to crossing his mind yet. A young teenage Yushi had been lacing up his shoes and his shorts had ridden up, and when Sion poked it, he had flushed a strawberry red.
“I already liked you then,” Yushi explains when they talk about it later on. “I couldn’t believe you just touched me like that on my bare thigh.”
“You’re one to talk,” Sion laughs. “Do you remember our first overnight with the whole group?”
“Of course. When we hid in the closet, I really wanted to kiss you.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
Sion thinks about it – giggling with their chests pressed together while the others were outside talking and laughing, nothing but muffled background noise falling away, only the two of them staring at each other in the dark. That night, they slept much the same, blanket thrown over them to block the cameras out, to hold onto some small moments that were still just for them while they held onto each other. No matter how new and precious it felt to start bonding and growing as a whole team, the two of them would always have something sacred and only theirs. By that time, Sion had thought about kissing Yushi, too, but he wasn’t ready to admit that. What they had was enough. It had to be.
“You put your whole hand up my shorts to wake me up,” Sion continues to his point.
“That was different.”
“How?”
“It just was,” Yushi pushes him lightly, not meeting his eyes. “I meant it innocently.”
“So did I,” Sion pulls him closer, hands wandering from his waist down the slope of his back. “I didn’t even know I liked strawberries yet.”
“Right,” Yushi nods sagely, playing along. “You hadn’t tried them.”
“I was young. My tastes weren’t developed,” Sion says, leaning in. Yushi teasingly keeps some distance, doesn’t let him kiss him yet. “Now they’re my favorite. I can’t get enough.”
“And you thought you could be content not to know. Remember?”
“I knew,” Sion corrects him with a squeeze to his ass. “I knew if I tried once, I’d become addicted. An addiction can ruin things quickly. That’s what made it difficult.”
“Denying yourself what you crave might have ruined things quicker.”
“I couldn’t have denied it,” Sion tries for a kiss again, and it lands on Yushi’s chin. He laughs. “Not when it was you offering it to me.”
Palm outstretched, holding it to Sion’s wet and waiting mouth. No amount of denial could have changed it – he was always going to bite.
It’s a memory that would be impossible to erase even if Sion wanted to, which he doesn’t, could never. Their first kiss was in a pool.
Sion makes his own exception for Yushi, which is that he relies on him. For a long time, not only did he try to ignore the implication of his own clear partiality, but he actively tried not to give into it at all. They hardly ever fight, but if there were ever a reason to, Sion can accept that it’s his avoidance at fault.
The scene: the first Japan tour. Yushi: not speaking to him. The fine details are hazy, and ultimately unimportant. Sion has always been prone to bottling things up, ignoring the problem as if it could make it disappear. Shouldering the responsibilities of leadership while trying to get enough sleep, keep up his energy, and continue to push down his pervasive feelings for Yushi all at once simply proves to be too much. He feels too anxious to eat, nearly passes out, and uncharacteristically snaps at Yushi when he tries to talk to him about it. Sion can’t handle being treated so gently at his breaking point. Yushi doesn’t snap back, and that almost feels worse.
It is painfully obvious how weird and difficult it is, how much both of them are hurting over such a trivial disconnect. Sion knows if he just owns up and apologizes, Yushi will forgive him, but he can’t. He doesn’t feel he deserves it, for one, and he also fears that one vulnerable conversation will inevitably lead to another, and then he’s making an even bigger mess than this one. He’s made his choice, his effort to stick to it.
The thing is that Yushi is honest, and Yushi is selfish.
In a cruel twist of fate, or maybe it was any of the others whispering a plead to a manager after enduring enough awkwardness, they are roommates the night that it’s at its worst. Sion feels like he’s going to crawl out of his skin with every minute that Yushi is within feet of him but won’t look at him, won’t speak to him.
“I’m going for a swim,” Sion decides, the first thing he’s said in what feels like hours. He gathers up a pair of shorts and a long sleeve shirt to change into and throws a towel over his shoulder. Yushi’s eyes finally land on him.
“It’s November,” he says. He sounds tired.
“Yeah,” is all Sion can muster in response, clearing his throat and leaving the room as quickly as possible. Predictably, no one else is using the pool. It’s November.
Sion doesn’t waste time adjusting to the water’s temperature. He plunges under, letting the sensation numb him scalp to toe. By the time he breaks the surface, he’s locking eyes with Yushi again. He followed him, of course.
“You’ll catch a cold,” Yushi says. He stands at the edge of the pool, arms crossed. He looks so vulnerable, conflict evident in his face. “You’re so- dammit, Sion. You’re so reckless with your health.”
Before Sion can even debate how to answer, he hears a splash. Yushi emerges right next to him now, gasping for air. Sion’s wet shirt feels like it weighs one thousand pounds. They stare at each other.
Because Yushi is honest, he says: “You’re setting a horrible example for Ryo and Sakuya.”
Sion doesn’t even feel it over the rapid quivering of his jaw, his teeth slamming together. Yushi reaches for his arms, then his face. His fingers are trembling.
Because Yushi is selfish, he says: “I won’t be able to handle it if something happens to you.”
Just to get out of his grip, out of his sight, Sion plunges under the water again. When he comes up this time, Yushi smacks two flat palms against his chest. Sion startles back a bit, before Yushi is throwing his arms around his neck, pulling him close and – great, he’s crying, which immediately triggers Sion’s tears, too.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, letting his arms wrap around Yushi’s waist. He knows that some of this is a fresh wound, that Riku’s absence is so loud, that both of them feel irrationally responsible for it in their own ways. Yushi clings to him tighter, the two of them hugging in the middle of a freezing cold pool. A butterfly trapped inside a wet, transparent cocoon waiting to burst.
Because Yushi is honest, he says: “I love you.”
His voice is raw. Sion barely feels his wet lips press against his numb cheek. His heart feels so heavy, so loud. Yushi pulls back enough to look at him, and Sion really does not want to meet his gaze, scared that the cocoon will crack open, that every feeling he’s kept locked away for so long will come spilling out in an instant.
“You know that, right?” Yushi continues, and he sounds scared, like he’s pleading with him. “You know how I mean it. Not like a friend, or a brother.”
“Yushi, we can’t,” Sion shakes his head. “Stop. We shouldn’t-”
“I know,” Yushi’s blunt nails dig into his sopping wet shirt. “I know that.”
“Please don’t do this to me,” now Sion is the one pleading. They’re still holding onto each other, blue lips hovering inches away. “You can’t let me. You have to stop me.”
Because Yushi is selfish, he says: “I won’t. I don’t want to.”
The moment he closes the gap, Sion pulls them both under the water, one last ditch effort to keep the chrysalis sealed. He can’t breathe, even when they come back up, mouths slick and teeth chattering against each other, a violent and uncontrollable threat of breaking skin. Sion slides his tongue into Yushi’s mouth despite that, the relief of the warmth inside worth every risk it took to get there. The cocoon is open, they’re soaking wet, and a butterfly has two wings. Even if this is a huge mistake, at least it’s one they’re making together.
When they finally run back to their room, Sion runs the shower so hot it clouds the whole room with steam, but Yushi still makes him turn around or close his eyes until they’re both dry and clothed.
“I’ve already seen you naked,” Sion reminds him, “plenty of times.”
“If you ever want to again, you’ll behave yourself,” Yushi tuts. “It’s different now. Besides, you haven’t even answered my confession.”
“I didn’t?” Sion’s eyes widen. Yushi pushes him, but he overpowers him, pulling him into a tight hug and falling back onto the bed. “I love you. You know that, right?”
“You can tell me again, anyway.”
“I love you,” Sion repeats, kissing Yushi’s temple. “And I’m not just saying that because I want to see you naked.”
“You can sleep alone, pervert,” Yushi grins, but he makes no move to extract himself from Sion’s arms. They lay silently for a moment, then Yushi shifts gears. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t do it anymore. Pretending.”
“You were never doing that, were you?”
“No, well … I was never trying to hide how I feel,” Yushi rolls over, curling up more comfortably into Sion. “But I understand how much is at risk to really do this. So if you don’t want to-”
“Too late,” Sion says. “You unlocked the box. I dropped the key at the bottom of the pool. We’ll figure this out.”
Yushi hums, pressing his lips against Sion’s cheek.
“Are you happy?” Sion asks.
“Of course I am,” Yushi answers.
That week-long vacation is the longest Sion thinks he and Yushi have ever been apart in seven years. It’s a really short time in the grand scheme of things, and Sion is honestly enjoying getting to spend it with his parents, his friends even though they’ve been teasing him over every photo he takes to send to Yushi. I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten what you look like. Is he as clingy as you are? Do you feel like you’re missing a limb?
Yushi leaves hearts on his photos of sunsets and scenery, texts back looks pretty hyung~ and sends a few of his own views back. Fishing with his dad, games with his brother, a shot of only his bedhead sticking up as his hair grows out. Sion sends back a selfie pouting. I want to see all of you, he texts. You will, Yushi sends back, and Sion bites his lip. You’ve honored our agreement, right~?
Sion flushes. He would have otherwise been fine and completely normal levels of ignorable horny while talking to him and missing him at night, but as soon as it became a thing he had to actively deny himself at Yushi’s request, it’s been a bit agonizing on the sexual frustration front. That’s the point, of course – Yushi loves to make Sion wait for it. In fact, he enjoys it so much that when he finally comes back to the dorm a few hours after Sion does, the game is far from over.
“I’m home,” Yushi announces quietly as he walks in. Sion stops mid-wrestling Sakuya in the maknaes’ room and shoots up to greet him, not minding the laughter he earns for it from the two youngest.
“Welcome home,” Sion says with a relieved exhale, reaching for Yushi’s bag to take it for him. He looks well rested, soft hair, color in his cheeks. Sion is itching to scoop him up and get his tongue in his mouth, but he knows better than to do it in an open area when everyone else is just as eager to see each other. His skin is buzzing on the way to Yushi’s room, promptly cut off by the sight of Daeyoung still unpacking.
“Ah, welcome back,” Daeyoung lights up when he sees his roommate, and Sion definitely does not sulk at all as he walks Yushi’s duffel in to drop it at the foot of his bed. “How was your break?”
“Good,” Yushi says, smiling. “I missed you guys.”
“Are you hungry?” Sion asks. “I can ask the manager to pick something up on his way back with Riku.”
“Oh, should we get the dumplings Ryo wanted to try?” Daeyoung suggests. He’s so animated, Sion thinks he really looks like a puppy wagging its tail sometimes. He ruffles his hair at the image, and Daeyoung scrunches his face adorably.
“Good idea,” Sion says. “Ushi?”
“Sounds good,” he nods. “We should all watch a movie tonight, too.”
Sion shoots him a look, and Yushi just blinks sweetly back at him. Daeyoung is excitedly talking about a new release that would be perfect, but Sion barely hears him. Waiting for Yushi to unpack and eat dinner is one thing, but another multiple hours before he can touch him is just purposeful torture.
“I’ll call them,” Sion says, trying not to let out a defeated sigh as he makes his exit.
“Order the spicy ones for me, please,” Yushi says cutely and puckers his lips in Sion’s direction, a small thing they often do to let the other know they’d give a real kiss if they could, but this time it doesn’t seem like that’s entirely true. He’s still playing, still teasing, and Sion is burning with how much it’s killing him, how much he loves it. Sion makes the same gesture with his mouth and taps the door on his way out.
After an extended group hug once Riku arrives, a dinner full of laughter and highlights from everyone’s break, and then nearly falling asleep during the movie Daeyoung picked out, Sion is almost ready to give up on properly catching up with Yushi tonight. Almost. Yushi’s foot has been intermittently running up and down his calf throughout the film, his arm around his waist and head resting against his shoulder. So close, but still not close enough.
“Yushi-hyung,” Sakuya tugs on his sleeve as everyone starts to get up. “Come play one round of this new game with me and Ryo.”
Sion’s disappointment starts folding itself into his chest before Yushi can even say okay, just one, but he throws Sion a wink over his shoulder as he lets himself be dragged away, so okay. It’s fine.
He spends another hour of fighting sleep and taking some extra care to make his room comfy, lights low and bedding sprayed with the perfume Yushi likes, changing into a loose tank top and pajama pants. He finally hears a light knock on the door. Yushi slips in, locking it behind him. He’s also in his sleepwear, his usual oversized t-shirt and boxers.
“Hi,” he says. “Are you tired?”
“Not anymore,” Sion answers honestly. The relief and excitement of being alone at long last has perked him right up, body near bursting from the entire last week of deprivation, but he is careful not to leap too soon. Yushi is pulling the strings, and he has to wait for his direction. “I’m so happy to see you.”
“You’ve been so patient,” Yushi praises, which makes Sion stand up a little straighter, cheeks warming. Yushi comes closer, tilting his head to look up at him, but not touching him. “You’ll let me take care of you now, right?”
Sion nods enthusiastically, his words getting stuck in his throat and coming out as a pathetic, strangled little noise. Yushi smiles widely, his whisker lines crinkling around his eyes. He moves further into Sion’s room comfortably, sitting himself on the bed with his back against the pillows, spreading his legs and patting the space between them.
“Lean on me,” Yushi says oh so softly. It’s a direct command as much as it’s a reminder that Sion still needs from time to time, despite how much easier it is to do now than it once was. He settles in, back against Yushi’s chest, feeling his bony hips against his low back. Yushi’s nose is cold as it traces behind his ear, inhaling, and Sion feels him relax under his weight. Sion drops his head back and hums contentedly.
“Where should I touch you?” Yushi asks, arms wrapping around Sion’s chest, fingers lightly tracing his collarbones. “Here?”
“Mm,” Sion’s skin tingles, his body remembering all the waiting he’s done. “Lower.”
“Here?” Yushi teases, tapping his fingers across Sion’s chest. “Or how about… here?”
Sion’s breath catches as Yushi pinches his nipples, laugh bubbling in his ear. He rubs circles around them a few times, then trails down his sternum.
“You have to tell me,” Yushi whispers, hands wandering under Sion’s shirt to electrify his bare skin, taunting around his belly button, making his dick twitch. “Where does hyung want to be touched?”
It should be embarrassing how easily Sion unravels, how quickly he gets fully hard, but it’s not, because Yushi deserves to see exactly the effect he has on him. It helps that he also has the reassuring intel of Yushi’s growing erection pressing into his ass behind the practiced composure he’s showing off. Sion groans, grabbing Yushi’s wrist to move his hand closer to his crotch, pushing his hips back against him.
“Please,” Sion rasps. Yushi’s breath is so warm against his face.
“No underwear?” Yushi clicks his tongue as he dips the tips of his fingers under his waistband. Sion had thought about wearing the pair Yushi bought him as a birthday gift – the one couple item they have, befittingly private but not secret. Yushi typically prefers to just take Sion’s things, to share rather than match, and Sion likes the intimacy of that. What’s his is Yushi’s and vice versa. Neither of them ever need to ask.
“Easier access,” Sion turns his head to mouth at Yushi’s neck, growing impatient now. “Please, Ushi. I need it.”
“I can see that,” Yushi says, taking advantage of Sion squirming against him to slide his pants down to his thighs, freeing his flushed cock. One hand comes to cup him underneath, the other loosely circles his length.
Yushi’s delicate fingers play with his balls, touch still light, while his other hand slowly strokes from base to tip and back. It’s so good and nowhere near enough. Sion knows that Yushi doesn’t intend to get him to completion just like this, that he’s going to tease and milk him for as long as he can. He starts leaking precum as Yushi’s thumb rubs some extra circles around the head, and he grips the sheets on either side of Yushi’s legs.
“You’re so pretty, hyung,” Yushi pants in his ear. He’s started to buck his hips the tiniest bit, his ability to maintain a controlled front crumbling the more aroused he gets. All Sion needs is one crack in the façade to flip the script, for his patience to fully pay off.
“Let me touch you, too,” Sion finds his words around his pleasure haze as his hands find Yushi’s thighs, pushing himself away as Yushi whines in protest so he can turn himself around. “Out, take it out.”
Sion wiggles his pants all the way off and sheds his top as Yushi, pink faced and frazzled from the sudden shift in control and so, so cute, slowly pulls his boxers off. Sion nearly drools at the sight of his pert, pretty cock, scooting closer to settle between Yushi’s legs again with their groins flush this time, his thighs draped around Yushi’s hips. The contact immediately makes him choke back a moan.
“This too,” Sion tugs at the hem of Yushi’s shirt, licking his lips as he watches him pull it over his head to reveal his bare chest. Yushi leans back, his glazed over eyes telling Sion that he’ll accept he is going to do what he wants now, too turned on to care about being in charge. Sion takes the opportunity to kiss him for the first time in way too long, leaning in and savoring the familiar plush feel of his lips as his hand wraps around both of their cocks.
It feels so good to be so close after the time apart. Yushi moves with Sion’s rhythm, rocking his pelvis so their shafts slide together while Sion pumps them at once. Their mouths stay close and hot, making sure to block any sounds that would be too loud with clumsy kisses. Yushi grips the back of Sion’s neck, sweaty fingers slipping as he gets closer to his edge.
They don’t cum at the same time. Yushi ends up breaking first, and just like when he cries, Sion’s body can’t help but follow.
“Worth the wait,” Sion sighs, boneless against Yushi’s chest. He feels his laugh zipping through his ribs.
“It always is,” Yushi says, scratching the back of Sion’s head. “Always has been. Always will be.”
Seven years is a long time to know someone, Sion thinks, but it’s nothing in the grand scheme of a promise of always. A butterfly has two wings. Sion has Yushi, and Yushi has Sion. Whether it happened by circumstance, chance, luck, whatever; by effort, by choice – love is all of those things, more than those things, and something else entirely.