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Hyunjin is so close to telling someone. His mouth is half-open, the words on the tip of his tongue, when he sees what Minho is holding. The words die in his throat, and he looks over at Felix instead, just now realizing that something is wrong with him.
They’ve been shooting all day and will continue into the next day, only turning off the cameras when they sleep. It’s really not a good time for Felix to have a migraine, or for Hyunjin to have a queasy stomach-ache.
On second thought, he’s probably fine. The food just doesn’t sit right, but it’ll pass. It doesn’t matter that there was a stomach bug in the dorm a few days ago. It’s been four days since anyone was sick, it’s too late for Hyunjin to have caught it. He’s just in his head about it, creating symptoms that aren’t real.
“What?” Minho asks, reminding Hyunjin that he was about to say something. But it doesn’t seem important anymore. A little nausea can’t compare to a migraine. Hyunjin doesn’t even have a fever, Felix’s condition is far more important.
“Can I?” Hyunjin asks instead, motioning for the single dose nasal spray in Minho’s hand. Hyunjin saw Minho go through Felix’s bag the moment they got a break but stupidly didn’t think that there could be a reason for it until now. He feels bad for being so in his own head that he didn’t see Felix struggle.
Minho hands it over, and Hyunjin smiles gratefully before making his way to Felix who sits with his head in his hands, thumbs pressing into his temples. It isn’t comfortable, he’s probably pressing hard enough for it to hurt, but it gives him a different point of pressure to focus on.
“Lixie?” Hyunjin sits down next to him, laying an arm around his shoulder. Felix tips sideways into him, seeking the darkness of Hyunjin’s shoulder. Normally, Hyunjin loves how tightly Felix hugs him, but right now Felix’s arm puts pressure on his stomach, increasing the sharp pain in his side, and Hyunjin can’t help but lean back slightly in attempt to get away from it.
“I have your meds.” Hyunjin says. Felix lifts his head, revealing bleary eyes that don’t open all the way. Yeah, Hyunjin thinks to himself, he needs some help to get through the rest of the shoot. The nasal spray won’t cure the migraine, but it might lower in intensity.
“It’s not that bad.” Felix says, but he’s whispering like the sound of his own voice hurts. Even if he was talking normally, he couldn’t convince anyone with that look on his face.
“So you don’t want it?” Hyunjin teases, lowering his own voice as well. Felix attempts to glare, but it isn’t very powerful when his eyes are so squinty.
Hyunjin opens the seal on the spray and slides the nozzle into Felix’s nostril. The force of the spray makes him flinch, and Felix pinches his nose shut the moment Hyunjin pulls it back out. He keeps his head level so it won’t run down his throat, but some still gets in his mouth, making him grimace at the taste.
“Just give it five minutes, then you can lie down, okay?” Hyunjin instructs. Felix knows this, but he might have a hard time thinking right now. Felix nods, the corners of his lips twitching. Hyunjin smiles and carefully pulls him into his side, making sure he stays upright. The spray needs to absorb before he can lie down.
The moment five minutes have passed, Felix lies down with his head in Hyunjin’s lap, out like a light. He looks so soft where he lies, and Hyunjin tries not to overthink the fact that his face presses into Hyunjin’s unsettled stomach. They have twenty minutes left of the break, hopefully a nap can make a difference for both of them.
As filming resumes, Hyunjin notices how Jeongin lingers around Felix. The two are seated next to each other, three other members between Felix and Hyunjin. They are gathered in a half-circle on the floor, playing a game that will determine their room layouts for the night. The rented house only has three rooms because the producers love squeezing more than two of them into a double bed.
Hyunjin likes sitting on the floor, often chooses it even if there are other options available, but he really wishes he had something to lean back against right now. Holding himself up tightens his stomach muscles, where cramps keep tempting him to curl up, and the faint queasiness has become something harder to ignore.
To distract himself from his own body, he sneaks glances at Felix as often as he can without looking suspicious. Which allows him to look a lot, since he sems to always be like this. It’s not really suspicious for Hyunjin’s eyes to be glued to Felix, it would look worse if it was anyone else. Maybe it would even look weird if he didn’t do it; it would be so out of character.
The group is loud. They always are when their competitive sides come out, and Felix is usually a big part of it. He’s more competitive than people realize; it’s the only time his anger really comes out, and it’s really funny to watch. But he’s quiet today, unable to even pretend to know what’s going on.
Jeongin’s hand stays at Felix’s shoulder, probably partially to keep him from falling over. Occasionally, it moves up to rub his neck in a way that has Felix’s eyes fluttering. Hyunjin really wishes there was something more they could do for him, that they could at least give him silence.
It would throw off the entire episode if the rest of the group quieted down too. They normally get too chaotic, playing it up even more for Stay, and they can’t act any differently now. Even when Felix flinches at a particularly loud voice or pales when someone screams. It was a really bad choice for Minho to sit on Felix’s other side.
Hyunjin’s own head hurts just looking at him. It’s so clear to anyone who knows him how much pain he’s in. Hyunjin is probably too empathetic, feeling Felix’s pain as if it will help, as if it can be transferred to him. He wants to drag Felix out of here, put him to bed in one of the bedrooms and force the producers to accept it. No one should have to work through pain like that.
Hyunjin loses his focus for a while, attention turning inwards as his stomach decides it’s time to set up residence in his throat. His abdomen clenches around cramps that has him sweating and tasting acid. He’s familiar with heartburn, but it’s usually at night and can be resolved with propping himself up on a few pillows. He doesn’t know how to ease the burn in his throat when he’s already sitting.
He glances at Changbin who sits beside him and considers getting his attention. It’s not like anyone would struggle believing or understanding that he could be sick. But if it left his head, it would be real, and he’d have to admit that he really doesn’t feel well.
His eyes land on Felix, and he forgets all about his inner turmoil. Felix has gone so pale that his makeup looks too dark – they usually have the opposite problem. Jeongin looks nervous, making eye contact with Chan, and Hyunjin worries that he missed something.
Felix looks so out of it, with only half an eye open and swaying in place, held steady by Jeongin’s touch. Hyunjin feels his own stomach churning along with the movement, and worries that it whines loudly enough for Changbin to hear.
Everyone suddenly stops talking on top of each other, as if the whole group senses something being wrong. They’re all looking at Felix who looks grey under his makeup. His head drops forward and Hyunjin can hear him groan all the way from here.
Jeongin looks at one of the managers behind the cameras, communicating something that Hyunjin can’t interpret through his own headache. He understands what’s going on when Felix scrambles to his feet, and Jeongin quickly helps him up, supporting him as they half-run out of the room.
Nausea isn’t an uncommon symptom of Felix’s migraines, and it would only be amplified by the lights glaring at him and the loud noises assaulting his ears.
Hyunjin clenches his jaw at the sounds that reach him a moment later. The bathroom is so close to where the group sits, it’s impossible not to hear what’s going on. His own stomach flips, as if encouraged by what he’s hearing, and he holds his breath, willing himself not to join in.
Changbin gives Hyunjin a questioning look. Many of the members do, the ones that aren’t looking toward the bathroom. Hyunjin knows he should get up and help Felix; he’ll want Hyunjin’s comfort too, but he can’t be any closer to the vomiting without getting sick too.
Hyunjin just shakes his head, trying not to look like he might puke too. He should say something, but he doesn’t dare flex his throat. Changbin glances toward the bathroom, back to Hyunjin and seems to decide against saying anything else. From the other side of the room, Minho gets up, joining Jeongin and Felix.
It should be Hyunjin, and he feels so guilty for not hurrying to take Minho’s place, knowing that Felix will think it’s him when the door opens. But it’s not fair for Hyunjin to go only to bend over the sink when the sounds amplify and the smell hits. It’s hard enough to keep his stomach in place from out here.
Seeing that everyone is focused on Felix, Hyunjin puts his head in his hands. He feels cold and warm at the same time, each shiver bringing a fresh wave of sweat. His muscles ache in that familiar feverish way that tells him he can’t talk himself out of this anymore. He’s sick.
Hyunjin feels no better when the sounds from the bathroom stop, or a few minute later when Felix, Jeongin and Minho come back. Felix is teary-eyed and flushed, sitting on the nearest chair while someone fixes his makeup. Minho stays at his side, shielding his eyes whenever the makeup artist doesn’t need access.
Chan seems to have had enough, heading toward Felix with an angry set of his shoulders. He speaks to the makeup artist who stops working, giving a small bow before leaving them alone. Whatever Chan says has Felix deflating, the stubborn air leaving him. There are some things that can’t be worked though, and Hyunjin should be the one to remind him of that.
Hyunjin should be the one who takes Felix to one of the bedrooms, giving him the break he needs. But he couldn’t hide how he feels from Felix. All it would take is for someone to take a closer look at him; he’s sure someone would’ve realized by now if they weren’t so distracted. Even in this state, Felix might see through his act.
It isn’t the first time movie magic erases someone’s absence. They will use previous clips of Felix, picking the right moments to edit into what happens without him. To anyone who doesn’t know he had to leave, it’ll look like he was there the whole time, reacting to everything that happens.
The game continues, deciding the rest of their rooms. Hyunjin’s stomach goes back to mostly aching, just because there’s nothing triggering extra nausea, and he’s able to join the game on an almost normal level. When he wants to curl around a cramp, he pretends to fold in on himself with laughter, only grimacing when his face is hidden. And when waves of nausea wash over him, he holds his breath and plasters a smile on his face.
He’s beyond relieved when the game is over and filming takes a break for the night. He isn’t too mad at having to share a room with two members, figuring he’ll spend most of the night out of bed anyway.
As the boost he gets from filming leaves him, he realizes just how sick he is. Judging from how the virus progressed in the other members, he knows something will go down tonight, he just hopes it's after everyone's gone to bed and the crew are gone for the night.
The members spread out in the house, doing their own things until it’s time to go to bed. Hyunjin keeps glancing at the door that hides Felix, painfully aware that everyone is so quiet because they can finally shield Felix’s head. Hopefully, he feels a little better by now. The nose spray should have had enough time to start working.
Hyunjin wants to go to him and apologize for not being there for him, feeling like the worst boyfriend for letting everyone else do it when he knows how much Felix needs him. It’s naturally always Hyunjin that steps up to care for him, he must be confused about why Hyunjin didn’t come this time.
He decides to apologize in the morning, when they both hopefully feel better, and he can explain how sick he felt without demonstrating when focusing on it makes him sicker. But then the voice in his head reminds him that Felix might be hurt, and they never let each other go to bed hurt. Hyunjin can’t argue against that.
He pushes down his own discomfort, grabbing a glass of water in the kitchen before heading for Felix’s room. In the hallway, he bumps into Chan who grabs onto him in his surprise. Chan’s eyes widen and land on where their skin connects. Before he can say anything, Hyunjin reacts.
“Your hands are like ice, hyung.” Hyunjin exclaims, grabbing his hand with his own free hand. “Woah, you’re freezing.” He widens his eyes in false amusement.
“Really?” Chan presses a hand against his own neck for a moment, chuckling. Just then, Seungmin walks past them. And Hyunjin catches his attention.
“Seungie, feel Chan hyung’s hand, it’s so cold.” Hyunjin lifts the hand he’s still holding, pressing it against Seungmin’s arm for half a second, not long enough for Chan to feel that Seungmin is considerably colder than Hyunjin.
“Chan hyung is always cold.” Seungmin says. It’s nothing new for Chan’s hands to be cold; stress isn’t good for blood circulation.
“I thought you were warm.” Chan says, looking at Hyunjin with concern. Hyunjin lets go of his hand, shaking his head.
“It’s just you that’s cold, hyung.” Hyunjin says. Chan always worries about them, and it becomes a problem when he runs so much colder than some of them. It isn’t the first time Hyunjin has convinced him he doesn’t have a fever, but it’s usually true.
Seungmin feels Hyunjin’s arm and gives him a knowing look. Hyunjin’s resolve falters, Seungmin is usually warmer than him, but even his hand feels cold against his skin.
“Feels fine to me.” Seungmin says without looking at Chan, then he walks off. Hyunjin fights not to look relieved, wondering why Seungmin helped him lie. Chan shakes his head at himself, giving a relaxed smile.
“I was just gonna give this to Lix.” Hyunjin gestures for the glass. Chan steps out of his way and waves his arms as if to say, ‘go ahead’. Hyunjin’s lips press into a half-smile before escaping to Felix’s room.
The room is pitch black, and Hyunjin’s first though is that he needs to find out what curtains are here so he can buy them for the dorm. Then his eyes adjust slightly and he sees the lump on the bed, but it’s still too dark to see if Felix is awake.
Tip toeing across the floor, he makes no sound. Felix doesn’t react when he comes closer, so he must be asleep. Hyunjin gently sets down the glass, almost avoiding making noise with that too. He turns to leave, refusing to wake Felix just to talk. Although the thought of facing the group, the bustle of the filming crew and all the lights out there is exhausting.
“Jin?” A small voice stops him, and he is so relieved. He turns back to the bed, barely able to make out the different layers of Felix’s hair on the pillow. His back is turned, but he still knew who was in the room.
“Want me to stay?” Hyunjin asks hopefully, keeping his voice soft. “Filming’s done.” He quickly adds, explaining in as few words as possible.
“Mmm, yeah.” Felix mumbles. Hyunjin carefully climbs into bed, trying not to make it move too much. He sits against the wall, aware enough of his stomach to know that laying down is asking for trouble. Felix moves his head into his lap, his hand finding Hyunjin’s.
“So warm.” Felix mutters absentmindedly, fingers trailing up Hyunjin’s arm. Hyunjin smiles softly down at him. Migraines make him so soft in a way, speaking without thinking and noticing without analysing.
“How’s your head?” Hyunjin asks. He didn’t come here to talk about himself.
“Never heard you complain.” Felix says. Hyunjin covers his mouth before he can laugh out loud and cause Felix pain. He doesn’t always go loopy from the medication, but he must be tired enough that the drowsiness hit harder this time.
“I mean your actual head, Lix.” Hyunjin clarifies, not acknowledging the sexual joke. At least there aren’t cameras in the bedrooms. That would be hard to explain.
“Better.” Felix says, and offers no more information. Hyunjin figures it’s enough. Better doesn’t mean it’s comfortable for him to talk or be talked to yet. His fingers settle in the blonde hair, lightly scratching his scalp in a way that makes Felix groan pleasantly. They sit in silence for a long time before Felix speaks again.
“Wanted you.” Felix says, hitting Hyunjin right in the heart. He’s not about to make up some excuse to explain why he didn’t take on his usual role when Felix has migraines. It happens enough that everyone knows their task by now, and they were all thrown off by Hyunjin evading his usual task.
“Think I caught the bug.” Hyunjin admits in a whisper. He feels Felix react, tensing slightly and letting out a long breath. His hand moves to Hyunjin’s stomach, only to pull back when it does the opposite of soothing and Hyunjin whimpers embarrassingly, closing his eyes against the surge of nausea.
“You could’ve told someone.” Felix says, somehow knowing that Hyunjin has kept it secret from everyone.
“I didn’t feel that bad until you…” Hyunjin trails off, clearing his throat. The nausea is getting really hard to ignore, and he keeps remembering how Felix sounded when he threw up, as if his brain is using the memory as a warning. “I wanted to help you, but it felt too risky.”
“You have to take care of yourself first.” Felix says. Just like Hyunjin knew he would. “Who are you rooming with?” He asks a moment later. Hyunjin’s eyes are adjusted enough to he dark to see the concern in Felix’s eyes. He turned onto his back at some point, just using Hyunjin’s lap as a pillow. Hyunjin feels better too, knowing that Felix isn’t in as much pain.
“Channie and Changbin.” Hyunjin says, which is kind of boring because he lives with them. Maybe it’s a blessing that they know what he’s going through, if it wasn’t their fault that he’s sick.
“Tell them, yeah?” Felix says, eyes closing with a sigh. Hyunjin makes an agreeing sound that pulls all wrong at his throat and has him swallowing back a gag. Felix’s eyes shoot open, the man sitting up so fast that he sways. Hyunjin grabs onto his shoulders, steadying him.
“I’m okay.” Hyunjin says, but he somehow feels even sicker now, stomach cramping sickeningly.
“Maybe you should just stay here with me.” Felix says, clearly not wanting to let him go. Hyunjin doesn’t want to go either, but Felix needs some good sleep tonight.
“I can stay for a little while.” Hyunjin decides, fairly certain he won’t get sick yet. Felix smiles and leans in for a kiss on the cheek. Hyunjin should probably push him away, but if Felix is going to catch the bug, there isn’t really much they can do to prevent it. The whole group has been exposed to it for a week; it’s a game of who has a strong enough immune system to fight it at this point.
Felix lies back in his lap, falling back asleep in moments. Hyunjin wishes he could sleep too, but he knows what he’d wake up to, and he’d rather draw it out by staying awake. Besides, he really should find his roommates and tell them before he gets too sick.
He stays with Felix until Jisung enters the room, ready to go to bed. It’s only then that Hyunjin realizes how late it is. Somehow, he wasted two hours watching Felix sleep.
Hyunjin carefully lifts Felix’s head and slides out from under him. Felix just curls into the pillow, staying dead asleep. Moving increases the nausea and Hyunjin holds his breath until he’s standing still beside the bed. His stomach hurts so much when he stretches out that he can’t manage to stand completely straight.
“Take care of him.” Hyunjin whispers to Jisung who frowns.
“Are you saying I normally don’t?” Jisung whispers, narrowing his eyes. Hyunjin chuckles and immediately regrets it when his throat tightens. He really should say something, but it’s so much easier to say it to Felix.
“No, you’re great.” Hyunjin says, cut off by a hiccup that has him tasting acid in the back of his mouth. He tries not to curl up tighter around a sharp pain, breaks out in a fresh wave of sweat and presses a hand into his forehead. The waves of nausea that wash over him are so strong, he thinks his legs might give out at any second.
Jisung’s face twists with concern, and still, Hyunjin doesn’t say anything. Jisung glances at Felix’s sleeping form before taking Hyunjin out of the room. Every step is nauseating, and he’s relieved when they stop outside the door. He probably just didn’t want to wake Felix with their talking.
“You good?” Jisung asks with brows raised expectantly. Hyunjin just hums, hoping it sounds affirmative. “Stand up straight then.” Jisung challenges. Hyunjin realizes just how bent over he is, with one hand steadying himself on the wall. He slowly lifts up, trying his best to keep his face straight when his stomach feels like a hamstring stretching too far.
“Just feel kinda sick.” Hyunjin plays it down enormously. It’s as if his stomach is a balloon, and stretching it makes it tighten, and suddenly there isn’t enough space. There’s nowhere for the contents to go but up. He doesn’t say anything, but Jisung seems to understand anyway.
He grabs Hyunjin’s arm and pulls him toward the bathroom, barking at whoever is in there to get out. Hyunjin must look as bad as he feels; no one argues before fleeing the room.
Hyunjin thinks maybe he’ll suddenly calm down, that it will all pass and he can go to bed thinking ‘that was dramatic’. It doesn’t really feel like he will actually throw up. Until his brain reminds him of what happened in here earlier, and just the memory of Felix’s retching makes him choke on a gag, all but collapsing to the floor.
Jisung pulls the long hair out of his face just in time, struggling to get the hair-tie in when retches start curling through Hyunjin, moving from the base of his spine to his neck. It feels like the most intense workout he’s done in years.
Nausea seeps into every cell of his being, so overwhelming that it’s almost a relief to throw up. It hurts and burns and he feels like he might drown. He has no control over his body, instinct taking over as if he’s in fight or flight, and it’s the most unsettling feeling. Jisung’s hand between his shoulders is the only thing grounding him to reality.
He wants Felix. He really fucking wants Felix to be the one rubbing his back. Felix would tell him it’s okay, he’d remind him to breathe when he gets a moment, and tell him to cough when he chokes on his own vomit. Jisung stays silent, letting him work through it on his own. He isn’t sure if he prefers one thing over the other as much as he prefers one person over the other.
It calms down eventually, and Hyunjin pulls away from the toilet, wanting to get as far away from the mess as possible. Jisung makes him sit back against the wall and Hyunjin presses shaky hands against his eyes, breathing heavily. He feels a little better for the moment, but he knows it’s just temporary. This bug is a trickster, giving relief only to sneak back in.
“Here.” Hyunjin looks up, taking the tissue Jisung holds out and wiping his face. He must look so disgusting, but it can’t be any worse than when their roles were reversed last week. He hands back the tissue, and it gets flushed down with everything else. Then he takes the cup of water Jisung holds out, rinsing his mouth and spitting the water back into the cup.
“Uhh…” Jisung starts unsurely, sitting down beside him. Hyunjin realizes how sick he is when he rests his head on Jisung’s shoulder, seeking physical contact. “What just happened?” He sounds so confused, it’s almost funny.
“It’s your fault.” Hyunjin mumbles. Now that his stomach is empty, the floor screams for him. He lies down, curling up on his side, using one arm as a pillow and protectively wrapping the other around his stomach.
“Sorry.” Jisung has the decency to look guilty. Hyunjin doesn’t know if he caught it from him, but Jisung was the last one who was sick. “Wanna go to bed?”
“You tell me, is there any point?” Hyunjin mumbles, sleepier by the moment. He could probably fall asleep right here, on the cold, hard tiles. Jisung thinks about it for a moment before regretfully shaking his head.
“I’ll get some pillows and blankets for us.” Jisung decides. He’s halfway to the door when Hyunjin musters up the energy to call out his name. Jisung turns with a questioning look.
“If you’re staying with me, Felix should take my place with Chan and Changbin. He hates being alone.” Hyunjin says. Jisung’s face softens, the corner of his lip tugging upwards as if Hyunjin just said the cutest thing.
“Done.” Jisung agrees. Hyunjin closes his eyes while he waits. He floats in a fever haze, feeling like real waves rock through him, and spends too long wondering if he’s actually moving or if it’s just nausea. Sooner or later – probably sooner – it will build again, but for right now, it’s mild enough that he can pretend to be comfortable.
When the door opens again, it’s a head of blonde hair that pokes out from behind the pile of blankets. Hyunjin should’ve realized he’d insist to take Jisung’s place. He should’ve told Jisung to make someone go to Felix instead, and not to wake him up. He would’ve if he was bale to think properly.
“You need sleep, Lix.” Hyunjin mumbles, but he doesn’t try to sound very convincing. Felix makes Hyunjin lift his head and places a pillow under him. Sinking into the soft fabric, Hyunjin is sure he’ll fall asleep the moment he allows himself to.
“So do you,” Felix simply says. “But we can’t always get what we need.” He presses the back of his hand against Hyunjin’s forehead and seems to decide he isn’t too hot for a blanket. Hyunjin takes it gratefully, wrapping it tightly around his shivering body.
“You can.” Hyunjin points out. Nothing prevents Felix from going back to bed and getting a full night’s sleep. Although, Hyunjin knows how he’d feel if he left Hyunjin here, even if he was taken care of by someone else.
“This is more important.” Felix says, placing the other pillow beside Hyunjin and lying down with him. The moment Felix’s comfort wraps around him, Hyunjin loses all will to fight. Felix is an adult, he can decide for himself.
“But I didn’t take care of you.” Hyunjin argues, feeling underserving. Although Felix isn’t squinting anymore and looks much closer to his normal colour, he must be exhausted. Felix just hugs him tighter.
“Yes, you did.” Felix insists. “Besides, this isn’t transactional. I understand why you couldn’t rub my back, but I’ll still rub yours. And maybe I’ll be better than Hanie at keeping your hair clean.”