Chapter Text
It’s past midnight and Jay scrolls through twitter after searching for his own name feeling like he is getting away with something.
His manager said a while ago he wasn't allowed to handle his own account anymore since he proved himself not to be very responsible with it.
But what he didn’t know is that two weeks ago Jay got one of assistants from a tv show where he appeared to get him a second phone by saying his one was broken, and now he could scroll at his leisure with a burner account.
Stupid Reid might be able to stop me from eating as many sweets as I want but he can’t take this from me.
He scrolls and sees rumors that he is dating Dakota Johnson (false), a drawing of him as a chibi vampire (cute, he gives it a like) rumors that there were some issues with the production of the new album (true), picture of him playing the keyboard at the first tour after Never Come Down was released (he was having a very good hair day, he gives it a like), rumors that he was gay (not completely false, but really who wasn’t a little bit gay these days?), comment about his teeth (Reid keeps insisting he should get veneers but he is not sure), a video of a band singing (confusing, it’s not him on the stage, but it’s very clearly tagged with his name).
He clicks on the video and as soon as the music starts he understands, they’re playing Magic Man, a song from his third album, not a very popular one, but it was personally his favorite from that track list. He is about to scroll down when suddenly the camera focuses on the band’s drummer and his heart skips a beat.
Matt…or maybe not? Jay wonders.
It sort of looks like him, and he is wearing the hat, but Matt didn’t know how to play any instrument before, and the last time he saw Matt he was so skinny, this guy is not, his arms in particular look so big.
Drummer’s arms.
For a second he wonders how it would feel like to have them wrapped around him.
Very safe, protected, loved…no stop, remember how it ended.
He pictures Matt’s face seventeen years before, how angry he looked that morning, how he wouldn’t believe Jay when he said he wasn’t the one who erased his plan from the board, and written Don’t Play The Rivoli. Matt said he probably did while drunk, like he always was drunk and that maybe if he would stop going out trying to pick up girls maybe they would have played the Rivoli already, that if he wasn’t so stupid and could focus that maybe their plans would work out. That he was ungrateful, selfish, that he didn’t even made him pay rent that all he asked was some help with the plans and not keep ruining everything. At one point Jay started shouting too, that he was tired of Matt always blaming him for everything, always trying to control his life, that he was like a nagging wife he never wanted to marry in the first place, that maybe they shouldn’t play the Rivoli anyway, and the fight kept getting worse until Matt said he was out of the band and that he could also pack up his things and leave as well. And he said fine, that he would, that he didn’t need him anyway, that we would get much more on his own.
And I did, I was right.
On the phone in his hand the video keeps going to other band members and to the people in the audience, it’s a very small venue but the people in the audience seemed to be enjoying themselves.
Jared stop f****** around and show me Matt again.
The song is about to end when the camera finally focuses on the drummer again, and he smiles for a moment and Jay now knows for sure it is Matt, he changed a lot but the smile is the same.
He doesn’t know what to feel, what was Matt doing playing his song if he hates him?
It probably means nothing, he must still hate me, but he always loved my music.
The memory of another morning comes, a nicer one, it was just them at the Queen Street apartment that day, no camera men yet, and the place looks so cozy, it often did in his memories, in interviews he often mentions a shitty apartment and the terrible living situation he was before, but more often than not when he pictures it always looks so warm and nice.
Matt was still wearing his pajamas and made them both tea, but when he went to grab his mug Matt stopped him, said it was too hot, that he was going to burn his tongue, that they had to wait a little bit before drinking.
“Fine.”
“Bird, play something for me while we wait?” Matt asked.
“Sure. Any requests?”
“I don’t know something soft…play me a love song.”
He went to the piano, and started playing This Must Be The Place by Talking Heads. It was the first one who popped in his head, probably because the night before they were talking about Stop Making Sense and Matt started imitating that moment where David Byrne danced with a lamp while singing that song out of key and Jay laughed on the couch not even sure why he thought that was so funny.
Matt picked up a chair from the kitchen and sat down by his side. He liked when Matt was loud and kept running around, he wouldn't be Matt without this, but there was something quite nice about those moments when he just sat down for a while and listened.
And as he played Jay kept sneaking looks from the piano to look at him, because when they were alone and Matt had his complete focus on him as he played it felt as if the sun itself was looking at him, adoring him, he was never so sure of his skill and talent than in moments like these. Not even a full stadium of people shouting his name were able to make him feel that way again.
The song ended and he was going to ask if Matt wanted one more or if the tea was safe to drink already, but Matt was still looking at him that same way even though there was no more music. And so he just waited for a few seconds to see if Matt was going to say something, do something.
And then there was a knock at the door and Matt jumped out of the chair and went to answer. It was one of the camera guys, he doesn’t remember if it was Jared or another one of them, just that for a moment he hated whoever it was and suddenly he felt quite cranky and unsatisfied for reasons he couldn’t quite articulate, and he only felt better when Matt brought him his tea.
“Here Birdie, drink.”
He did as Matt said.
It was hot still, but not enough to burn his tongue, and very very sweet like Matt knew he liked. It was perfect.
"Thanks Matt," he said feeling quite warm inside.
In the present he doesn't feel warm, and the video starts to play again, and again on the screen Jay can see Matt who never reached out to him after kicking him out of the apartment, out of the band, and out of his life, there with his stupid gigantic arms, playing with other guys a song he wrote about him.
He finally puts the phone away and goes to sleep feeling very very lonely.