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I’m a liar.
I even made a huge deal about it that time Kanna asked me. ‘What would you have done? Would you have waited?’ I’m sorry. ‘Of course I would!’ I’m so sorry. I lied to Kanna. I lied to Joe. After promising your uncle I’d take care of you…
I failed you.
You told me what you were thinking for the first time in forever, and… I couldn’t stand it.
Here, I thought I was the insecure, jealous one. After all, I was the one who loved you first.
But it seems you’ve managed to outdo me in that department.
“That blonde chick.”
Looking back, there was so much pain and vitriol in your voice… You used such a hushed tone that it barely registered. Clearly holding back.
Stifling yourself after all this time, even with me.
I can’t remember any other time I’ve seen you jealous. But honestly, of all people?—Shu? Really? I mean, sure, we have gotten a bit closer, but still… She barely tolerates me. We are little more than acquaintances, new friends at best. It isn’t like what you implied at all between us.
How could it be when I love you? It really stings that you would think so low of me.
Have I ever given you a reason to?
Like the rumble of thunder, your words echo in my head.
“You were all over her the other day, even when I was right there, Aya.”
Aya.
Not Aya-san.
I’ve told you many times you could drop the honorific.
That wasn’t what I meant.
It doesn’t help that I can’t remember what happened the night you alluded to. That isn’t the first night I’ve had too much to drink, either, and Shu’s been there, so why hasn’t this come up before? Have I been acting weird without realizing?
Ugh. I hate this feeling in my gut. I wish I could remember.
But I didn’t lie about one thing: I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do. I don’t know how to help you.
The least I can do is avoid being a greater burden to you.
We couldn’t have known, but Aki’s been having a rough go of it at school. His classmates have been talking about what’s ‘normal’ and ‘weird’ in relationships. Kids can be cruel. They are a reflection of their upbringing, though. I mostly blame society. And the bigoted parents.
He ran to you in a vulnerable moment, and you couldn’t have known what he was going through… Knowing what you told him is upsetting, but you didn’t lie… You stayed true to yourself as best as you could, and that is one of the many things that I love about you.
You’re both family, and I can’t stand that I’ve been so careless as not to realize what either of you were going through. But after we found Aki, I talked things through with Mom, and we aren’t going to let all that pressure be put on you just because you’re someone he admires.
We’ll be a better support system for him, even if I can’t be that for you.
Then exam season begins.
Projects with such tight due dates and cramming in as many study sessions as possible over the next few weeks makes the time pass so strangely. I feel like I’m drowning in assignments and activities. My nails have been picked and nicked all the way to my cuticle. I cringe whenever I look at my hands—like a strange déjà vu.
During this time, I don’t listen to music. It would only remind me of you—of all the unpleasant things I’ve done to you.
I drink at least three nights a week, sometimes more.
It numbs me, but I still keep checking our messages at all hours of the day, hoping you’ve reached out.
Narita teases me when he notices. Calls me clingy. I haven’t told him what happened. I can’t bring myself to.
Shu seems to notice something’s off.
One day when we’re taking a snack break by the vending machines, she brings it up.
“Everything good at home?”
The question catches me off-guard.
“Wow, so thoughtful, we really are friends now, huh?” I try to deflect.
Sha raises an eyebrow. “You never miss a chance to glaze your girlfriend, y’know.” She takes a sip of her drink. “You’re pretty easy to read.”
Am I? Why can’t I express myself with you lately then?
“We fought,” I admit. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
Shu purses her lips and hums softly. Then says, “Did you decide what you’ll do for the visuals project?”
I’m both relieved and a bit disappointed that she doesn’t press the issue. I briefly wonder if this is how you feel too.
“Talking about it only makes it hurt more.” Shu said that.
Maybe that is how you feel too. Is that why you couldn’t bring yourself to agree to that demand? Am I a monster for asking? For walking away even when I could see you were hurting?
I didn’t know how painful it would be to watch you stray further and further away, all while sitting right next to me. I thought I could stay, that I could wait for you to come back to me. In the end I didn’t.
A decision I’ll come to regret.
Narita: When were you gonna tell me you and Mitsuki broke up???!!!!
A sluice of cold runs down my spine as I read the text.
Huh?
What does that mean?
Broke up? When did I…
Aya: Did you talk to Mitsuki?
Narita: Yes!!! She called to say goodbye!!!
What?
I pull up your messages and type out frantically.
Aya: Mitsuki?
Message not sent.
Aya: What’s going on?
Message not sent.
Aya: Did you block me?
Aya: Why are you saying goodbye??
Message not sent.
Message not sent.
No.
No, no, no.
I call your number.
A robotic voice answers.
“We're sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.”
WHAT THE HELL!?
I rush out of the house. Dialing you over and over just in case. It might be a fluke. Mom yells something as I make my way through the door, but I can’t bring myself to listen. The train station is so busy. I’m hyperventilating in a corner, gripping a pole to steady my shaky limbs. Did you block me? Do you really want nothing more to do with me? I shake that thought away. No… Maybe your phone broke, or… or maybe you lost it, yeah, you can be forgetful like that, right? Maybe you just changed numbers… or… maybe you’ve really left.
Please hurry up.
My heart is in my throat, and I feel dizzy.
All but leaping out of the automatic doors, I walk as fast as my legs will take me, first to the music bar. The boss seems surprised to see me at first, then concerned. My stomach is in knots, just like when Aki went missing. I must look terrible.
“Is she here?” My voice is shaky.
The boss says it was your last day yesterday.
Last day…. No, no, no, no, no.
I sprint out of the bar before he can say another word.
I nearly take a nose-dive running up the stairs, but make it all the way to our apartment in a haze. I still have the keys, but I’m shaking so hard I can’t even take them out of my purse.
I ring the doorbell.
No response.
I ring it again. And again, and again, and again, to no avail.
A crashing wave of dread catches up to me, and I sob.
I crumble to a heap by the front door.
You’re gone, huh?
I broke your heart. And now I’ll never make it up to you.
I really am a monster.
Rivers flow from my eyes as I weep.
“Oosawa-san?”
I blink up through my smudged mascara. It was light out when I left the bar.
How’d it get so dark?
How’d we get so dark?
A tall, brunette girl with striking features is walking up to the entryway.
“Huh?” I croak, picking myself up from the ground. “Uh, sorry do I know you?”
“Rinko. I uh, work at the bar.”
At the bar… Right, that’s why she seemed familiar…
My body jumpstarts and I all but leap at her, grabbing her arms as a life raft. “Do you know where Mitsuki is?”
She gasps, stuttering through her words. “Oh, um, well, at this point I guess she’s already on her flight.”
My stomach drops to my feet. “Flight?”
“Yeah, to America.”