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Hinges creaked and her eyes flew open. Siegfried was standing in the bedroom doorway, gaping. She withdrew her hand and pulled her knees together, her heart hammering now for a very different reason. Thank God she’d had the blanket covering her, but the light was on and it was very obvious what she had been doing and–
“Oh! D-Don’t stop on my account!” he sputtered. She flinched at that and sat up, still trying to catch her breath. Did he want to… watch her?! The little intrigue she felt for that was heavily outweighed by her current embarrassment and clearly that had not been Siegfried’s intention as he promptly slammed into the doorframe in his haste to leave. “I’ll-I’ll give you your privacy–”
“That’s not necessary.” She was not kicking him out of his own bedroom, especially not to… continue. He paused, but kept his hand on the handle. They regarded each other in silence for a moment. “I’m… done,” she reassured him, even though they both knew damn well that wasn’t true.
He hesitantly stepped back into the room and closed the door. He reached into his pocket and took out a kerchief which he offered out to her. He didn’t look at her which was good because she was certain she was bright red. “I should’ve knocked,” he said, apologetically.
She quickly wiped her hand clean, her face burning even hotter. “Nonsense. It’s your room.” She cleared her throat. “I didn’t expect you to be back so soon.” Less than an hour ago, they were about to head upstairs when the telephone rang, summoning him out. She’d settled into his bed by herself to read and hadn’t gotten very far before getting distracted. They’d been having a wonderful night and, on his way out, he’d kissed her in that way that made her toes curl and his sheets smelled just like him…
His head bobbed. “It was a false alarm.” He turned around and began to undress. His usual modesty felt theatrical considering what had just transpired. Her efforts to calm herself were entirely thwarted by the sight of his bare back. “The mother must’ve had a second wind. She was already thoroughly cleaning her new calf by the time I arrived.” He really had the most exquisite shoulders. “Happy ending.” He glanced back to smile at her and his grin stretched wider at her staring. He stepped out of his trousers.
“That’s good,” she said, dumbly.
Now dressed in his pajamas, her senses returned. He turned to face her and lingered for a moment. He pointed towards the door. “I’m just gonna wash up. Do you need me to take my time?”
Audrey groaned and pressed her hands to her face. “I’m fine, Siegfried. Really.” Her voice was muffled through her fingers.
He chuckled as he left and she immediately decided that if he made fun of her for this, she was never ever going to make shortbread for him again. She took advantage of the time alone to straighten herself up and have some water. The pleasant throbbing between her legs was finally subsiding, leaving her with only her mortification and shame. She considered fleeing back to her own room and avoiding him for the rest of the week.
But it was okay, wasn’t it? She hadn’t burst into flames, though her cheeks were still hot. He wasn’t upset or disgusted. If anything, he seemed the opposite of both. She was not sure that reaction was much better, but it was marginally better.
Her worrying was interrupted by Siegfried tapping on the door before opening it comically slowly. She glared at him and he threw up his hands in mock surrender. “I thought you might’ve changed your mind!” She chucked a pillow at him, hitting him right in the face. He recoiled dramatically at the impact.
He is the absolute worst, she thought, even as her heart swelled enough to burst.
Siegfried straightened and she knew she was in trouble from the determined gleam in his eye. “Oh. So that’s how it is,” he said coolly.
Audrey quickly grabbed for another pillow to shield herself with, but he was already diving onto the bed, tackling her. His hands easily found her ribs to tickle her. She squealed and squirmed, matching grins stretching their faces. Her attempts to shove him off were half-hearted and futile. When she was properly overcome with laughter, he showed her mercy and placed kisses across her nose and cheekbones, mischief still lighting his face.
She forgot all about being mad at him until he opened his mouth again, “I know it’s embarrassing, but it’s okay to mas–”
She placed a hand over his lips just before he could get the word out. “Siegfried, please don’t.” She managed a weary edge to her voice despite still buzzing with joy.
He unraveled from her to retreat to his side of the bed. He sprawled propped up on his elbows, gazing down at her. “I think we should talk about it.”
“Must we?” Audrey pulled the sheet back up to her chin, ready to hide under it.
His brow pinched and he was quiet for a moment, clearly torn on respecting her desired avoidance of the subject. “I just have one question!” he whined.
She sighed. She knew he’d be tossing and turning all night if she refused and then neither of them would get any sleep. “Fine,” she grumbled.
Now it was Siegfried’s turn to be shy. He rolled onto his back to consider the ceiling. Just when she thought he wasn’t going to say anything, it burst out of him in a rush. “We’re taking our time– which I’m perfectly happy with– but we also haven’t discussed having sex at all– and we don’t have to do it now, but I think it would be good to do it sometime–”
“I agree,” she cut in quietly. He glanced over, surprised at her contribution. Her cheeks were warm, but she was pleased to see his were too. They smiled timidly at each other.
He licked his lips, forming each of his next sentences slower, but no less disjointed. “You are allowed to touch yourself– I am not policing that– but I just–” He looked to the ceiling again. “I’m here to… help. I very much and entirely want to.” There was silence for a heartbeat. “Just so you know.”
Audrey nodded. In theory, she knew Siegfried wanted her – they were engaged, after all. She was not oblivious to stares or his… physical responses to being near her. To hear him say it though felt very different. No one, not even Robert, had expressed their interest in her like this before. He had gone about it in a very Siegfried way, but she loved that he was himself. His confession was so genuine – undemanding yet certain. She was already anxious at the eventual conversation since sex was not a topic she discussed, well, ever, but she trusted him and that it would be for the best. He would listen.
She considered the ceiling in silence with him. A smile tugged at her lips. “That wasn’t a question.”
He laughed once, loud and full. “No, it wasn’t.”
She reached down and took his hand. He gave it a squeeze in welcome. She didn’t think she’d ever tire of holding his hand. He lifted where they clasped to his lips before resting their hands on his heart. She could feel the steady beat of his pulse through her knuckles.
There was still a faraway look in his eyes and she knew he had not entirely let their current situation go. She chewed her lip, feeling she should say something more to reassure him. “You do help me, in a way.” He looked over at her and she found it very hard to continue. Her whole face was on fire. “I was thinking about you.” She paused. “Just so you know.”
The grin that shone on Siegfried’s face made the embarrassment worth it. He propped himself on his side again, a suggestive gleam in his eyes. “And what exactly were you thinking about me doing?” he drawled.
Audrey clenched her eyes shut. Never mind. She was still very, very embarrassed. “That was not your original question.”
“You’re right. Very astute.” He kissed her nose. “What’s your answer?”
If she had known the conversation would turn to this, she would’ve kept her mouth shut. And her legs, for that matter. She pulled at the blanket, but could not tug it any higher with his weight on top of it. “I wasn’t thinking anything specific!” Her voice was high with panic. “Just… of you.”
Siegfried planted a hand on either side of her pillow to level himself over her. He leaned in close. “I do not buy for a second that a brilliant woman such as yourself lacks an equally brilliant imagination.” Her heart was hammering and he must’ve sensed her fear because he backed off. He tilted his head. “How about a trade?”
“A trade?” she echoed.
He pointed from his heart to hers. “One of my fantasies for one of yours.”
She considered the offer carefully. It was possible this was a trick. He was already teasing her and though she was very nervous, it was also… fun. She liked the murmur of his voice paired with his smile and what it was doing to her body, how her mind was racing to keep up. She trusted that he would be honest and it scared her. Private thoughts like that were private for a reason. She was still wrapping her head around the fact that he even thought of her sexually, but to know the specifics… She was curious about how he saw her. About what she was getting herself into.
“Okay,” she breathed. “You first.”
He sat up, shifting his legs around so he had an ankle propped on one of his knees. She could tell he was stalling. She wasn’t sure that she wanted to give him any more time to plan how he was going to teasingly torment her with this. He leaned back a little, a smirk stretching on his lips as he finally settled on a course of action. He turned his attention to the door. “Well, coincidentally, I’ve actually considered this exact scenario a number of times.” He looked back at her to needlessly clarify, “Stumbling upon you touching yourself.”
Audrey’s whole body, her entire being, was burning. It was a fair answer, she supposed, even if it was currently an incredibly touchy circumstance. And, though he was not being the most endearing to her at the moment, knowing he did have such a strong desire to share this exact situation with her made it a pinch less horrific. That relief immediately vanished when another realization came to mind. Everything that occurred tonight– This was the reality measuring up against his fantasy!
She felt the threat of tears building behind her eyes. Oh God, she’d ruined it. She frantically gestured between them. “I’m sorry that it hasn’t– that we’re not–”
Instantly realizing his misstep, Siegfried grabbed her hands. “No, no, dearest. Don’t apologize.” He brushed her hair from her forehead and smiled kindly at her. “This is wonderful. Lots of key details I missed.” He poked at her cheeks. “You really do blush the most gorgeous shade of pink.” That only made her pinker.
Though the compliment cheered her, she still wasn’t convinced. She watched him pick up her hand, the one that had been between her legs not even half an hour ago, and slowly kiss his way along each of her fingers. His kerchief had done a fair enough job cleaning her, but she still had not washed yet and she faintly wondered if he could taste herself on them. Heat pooled in her stomach at imagining if he’d asked her not to stop with a bit more conviction and if she’d been a bit braver. She was not feeling quite so opposed to it now.
“Maybe…” she began before hesitating. He paused his tender caresses to look at her expectantly. Her eyes flitted from his face to his hold on her hand. “Maybe next time it will go differently.”
Siegfried’s face lit up. He released her hand to reach for her face. “Oh, I am never knocking again,” he muttered before his lips met hers. She giggled in a girlish manner, a sound he only ever was the source of.
The reverence of his kisses lulled her into forgetting their deal until he abruptly pulled away to remind her. “Your turn.” His smile was devilish.
“Oh. Um.” Fortunately he drew away from her so she had room to think. She sat herself up and stared intently out. Concise would be best, she decided. Get it over with quickly.
“Exam room,” she blurted. “Between appointments.”
Siegfried ran a hand through his hair and hummed. He sat next to her, sitting shoulder to shoulder with her. She studied his profile, gauging if the answer pleased him. She had not painted nearly as complete of a picture, but he seemed lost in filling in the details himself.
“Between appointments?” he echoed. She blushed. She should’ve left that bit off. “We’d have to be quiet,” he mused. She nodded. “And quick.”
“Yes,” she breathed softly. Her lungs felt smaller. He was definitely getting the full picture.
He leaned in to brush his lips against her ear. “I think you’re lying to me, Audrey.” She stiffened. “You seemed to be touching yourself quite leisurely and how you whined—”
She flinched away from him, nearly falling off the bed. He chuckled and hauled her onto his lap, but sobered at her covering her face. “Hey,” he said, soft as his touch, prying her fingers free so he could cup her face. “You can keep your secrets. I’ll stop teasing you if you’re not having fun.”
She buried her head in his chest. “No, no. I am.” She took a shaking breath. She’d always enjoyed bantering with Siegfried — the back and forth, the set ups, the duel for the last word. This flirting or foreplay or whatever this was was different, but not unpleasant. “It’s fun, but… difficult.” She’d never talked like this or about things like this with anyone before. Being a bit unserious and the teasing was helpful, but it was still hard.
He rubbed up and down her spine. “I can shut up,” he offered.
She picked at a loose thread on one of his buttons. She’d need to mend that. She shook her head. “I like hearing you talk,” she admitted timidly. There was something about the cadence of his voice, his undivided attention, the unabashedness of his true feelings. He enjoyed this, she could tell. He enjoyed her.
And he enjoyed tormenting her.
“I did read a particularly fascinating article on how rats carry diseases recently—” Audrey cringed and pushed away from him, but he had a firm grip on her hips. “Or I can tell you about bovine digestion—”
She did make a gagging sound at that. He hauled her flush to him and kissed her neck. “Well, do you have any suggestions for what I should talk about?”
He was clearly setting her up, throwing her a bone. This one was easy. Still, her face heated when she whispered, “Tell me what other naughty thoughts you have.” From his responding beam, she’d impressed him.
“A dream of mine—” He paused to place a kiss on her shoulder. He squeezed her thigh. “Is to have you spread out on the kitchen table for me. And—”
“Absolutely not.”
He flinched, his face morphing into a stricken expression. She may as well have just told him all of his rats had died. “Pardon?” The word was tremulous.
“I cook every meal there! I wouldn’t be able to do anything in the kitchen without blushing!” she protested.
“What about my exam room?” he guffawed back. Audrey leveled a cold stare at him and he returned it. After a few tense moments, he said, “If I can’t have my kitchen fantasy, then you don’t get your exam room one.”
She tapped her fingers against his shoulder, considering. In all honesty, she had thought about them using the kitchen for other purposes before. It helped that she suspected he’d make any sacrilegious behavior worth it. Besides, she really liked her exam room fantasy. “Fine,” she huffed. She adjusted her position, swinging one of her legs over him to straddle his lap. “I’m sure we can reach a compromise.”
Siegfried nodded enthusiastically, a blush creeping up his neck as he stared up at her. She had not expected sitting like this to affect him so thoroughly and she briefly wondered if she should move. Before she could, his hands moved to cup her hips. “I want you just like this in the Rover,” he confessed, voice husky.
Her whole body flushed. There was something about how he spoke in that tone. It drew it out of her. “I want us like this in the bath.” She still couldn’t bring herself to raise her voice above a whisper, even though it was just them. She settled her hands on his shoulders. And he moved his hand up to layer over hers.
“I want you against the wall behind the Drover’s. I want everyone to wonder where we vanished to and then to piece it together.” His smile was wicked. His pupils were blown wide.
Audrey’s breath caught at the image, at the implications. She’d heard plenty about what went on behind the Drover’s from Tristan’s jests. They would be married which was more than what most couples who wandered back there could say. Perhaps it would not be so shameful or shocking.
“Cricket.” The word burst out of her before she even realized she wanted to tell him.
Siegfried’s expression lit up to agree, but his joy quickly failed into confusion. “I need more of an explanation on that one, Aud.”
She let out a strangled noise. How to put this one into words? “I– Um–” She looked to the ceiling and then thought of God looking down on her and immediately looked away to Siegfried’s furrowed brow. He was exercising a surprising amount of patience with her tonight. “The-the leg pads,” she managed. “Do you think they would, uh, fit me?”
His brow pinched tighter still. “Probably, but why would you need to–” It was like a switch flipped and clarity speared through him. Grinning incandescently, he sat up straighter and his hands fluttered around her, like he could barely keep himself from taking hold of her. “Yes! I’m following now! I very much like the cricket idea.” He beamed at her. “You are brilliant.”
She looked away as she laughed, grateful he’d pieced it together on his own. As the conversation lulled into a comfortable silence of their overactive imaginations taking hold, Audrey felt her cheeks hurt from smiling too wide. This was fun, she realized. Even if it was all pretend for now, the idea of it one day not being was exciting, as well as the fact that he was just as up for it. And even if none of these scenes ever came to pass, they had tonight. It was the bearing of her secret desires, the honesty of it, that held value. She felt so loved by him, knowing that she was treasured in his mind so dearly.
Siegfried’s fingers tapped at her thigh. “Do you still have your warden uniform?”
“Yes.” For a moment she was briefly confused by the change in topic, but then realized he wasn’t changing the subject at all.
His cheeks were pink now. “Do you remember what I said when I first saw you in it?” He looked at her stomach. She ran a hand through his hair and he leaned into it, meeting her eye.
“Very smart.” She mimicked his voice, making him chuckle.
“Quite a few other adjectives came to mind as well.” He squeezed her thighs again and leaned in for a kiss. “There’s something about your ass in pants that drives me crazy,” he rasped.
She smacked his arm and did not fall for the temptation of his lips, as much as she wanted to. She always loved when he talked about the past. Sometimes it made her sad they waited so long, but sometimes, like tonight, she didn’t mind it. He’d loved her for so long and when she wasn’t even trying to please him…
His eyes turned wide and pleading. “Maybe you’ll wear it for me sometime?”
“I think that can be arranged.” She kissed him then. They were hungrier than normal after all this talk. His tongue entwined with hers. She gasped into his mouth. He kept pulling her down to him, grounding her. One of his hands found her ass and squeezed. She slid forward more on his lap, wanting him pressed against her chest, and realized what exactly all this had done to him. He groaned at the weight of her there and she withdrew carefully. “Sorry,” she murmured. He shook his head and gave her a strained smile, aiming to pull her in for another kiss.
“I never answered your question,” she breathed against his lips. “Honestly.”
He perked up at that. “You… did not,” he agreed, clearly still finding his words.
She backed up off of him, returning to her side of the bed. She needed space to describe this one and she did not fully trust them not to throw themselves at each other at this point. It felt important that it not wait, though, considering it was what had got them into tonight’s conversation. Siegfried crossed his legs as she gathered herself.
“I was thinking about using your tie to…”
Her words failed her. She held her hands up and put the insides of her wrists together.
Siegfried’s eyes nearly popped out of his skull. “You were— You want me to tie you up?” he asked incredulously. He was gripping the sheet beneath him tightly.
Audrey withdrew her hands, wringing them instead. He might not like this, but she was committed now. “I was actually thinking the other way around…” She drew her vowels out, the sentence leaving her slowly.
His face blazed red. “That would be, um—” He was nodding a lot. “We can try that. Sometime.” His gaze went distant. “So that’s what you were… thinking about.”
Audrey crossed her arms, gripping at herself. She was still unsure she enjoyed the moment of him walking in on her, but the glazed look in his eyes now softened the occurrence some. She exhaled heavily. Her darkest secrets were uncovered now and he’d taken them all so reverently.
Suddenly, Siegfried surged across the bed to her side. “I think I’m going to explode,” he grumbled before kissing her. It was a chaste kiss, but with the promise that it wouldn’t be for long. As tempting as it was to keep this up all night, they did both have full days tomorrow.
“A splash of cold water and imagining Tristan walking in on us helps me,” she said, pulling away.
He cringed. “Oh, God. That is terrible.”
They took turns in the bathroom. She offered Siegfried go first since it really did seem like he was suffering. When he returned to let her know he was done, he muttered something about going to let the dogs out. He was still missing when she came back to the bedroom.
Her lust gave way to exhaustion and her body felt heavy as she settled into her indent in the mattress. Just as she was drifting off, he finally came back in and crawled into bed. She snuggled closer to him and he moved to meet her. When his hands made contact with her skin, she flinched away. “You’re freezing!” she cried, making him chuckle.
“I needed the bracing air,” he admitted sheepishly.
Audrey grabbed his hand and rubbed it in an attempt to warm him up. His fingers relaxed in her grasp as he submitted. “Audrey?” She hummed in acknowledgment, moving to his other hand. “As fun as our ideas are, I wouldn’t ever take any of them over this.” She met his eye and he smiled kindly. “Just being here with you.”
She paused for a moment, feeling a wound she didn’t know she had healing. This. This was more than enough. She lifted his hand to place a kiss on his knuckles. She held his gaze for a long moment before saying with a teasing edge, “Are you ready for us to take a vow of celibacy, then?”
He immediately groaned and looked to the ceiling. “You’re ruining our sweet moment!” He sounded very much like Tristan which only amused her further.
“It was very sweet,” she reassured. She squeezed his hand. “I love you, Siegfried.”
“I love you, Audrey,” he echoed, leaning in to kiss her. “And your bloody brilliant imagination.”