Work Text:
for you to listen to as you read (if you want)
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If you jump from a 4-story building, will you die right away?
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Jeon Jeongguk doesn't remember when he met Kim Taehyung, but that's okay cause Taehyung always reminds him. Taehyung is the one with the most amazing photographic memory, while Jeongguk has a memory of a fish.
Taehyung says that's one of the reasons why they're meant to be because one makes up for what the other lacks.
Jeongguk was 7 years old when he met Taehyung on the beach.
It was one of the hottest days of the year, a few weeks before school started again. His parents were laying on their backs, absorbed in their books and music, and his older brother was off somewhere in the ocean playing with his friends while Jeongguk was off to the side, trying his hardest to build a sand castle.
His bangs were damp with sweat from the scorching heat, his knees dug deep into the sand, and his tongue poked out in concentration as he grew more frustrated with each passing second.
He was about to give up when he heard a small voice from behind him.
"You look like you need some help."
Jeongguk quickly turned, looking up, and instantly locked eyes with a boy, a friendly smile plastered on his face. He looked about his age, if not a bit older. His dark hair was wet, dripping with water, same with his trunks. He probably just came out from the ocean.
Jeongguk hadn't said anything, but he was still looking at the unfamiliar boy, trying to process this. A stranger had walked up to him asking if he needed help? Help with what? Was there something wrong with hi–
The boy suddenly moved and knelt down beside Jeongguk in the sand. "Do you need help building your sand castle?" the boy inquired.
Jeongguk blinked and tore his eyes away from the boy, to look at the clump of sand sitting in front of him. He took a small breath, "it won't stick together." he said quietly, sounding small and defeated by something so insignifcant.
The boy next to him took the toy bucket. "I'll help you."
Jeongguk didn't really say anything after that, he just watched the boy next to him fill the bucket with sand, run to the ocean for some water, and come back. And together, they started making a small town out of sand.
Jeongguk learned that the boy's name was Taehyung, he was a year older than him, and he had just moved into town.
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Does it depend on how you land? How fast is the momentum? What you land on?
What if your legs hit the ground first? They'll snap for sure, but what about your head? Will it hit as if you fell from a bike? Just a bump, one that will hurt for a while, but not hard enough to crack your skull open…
You have to land on your head for it to work.
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For weeks, Jeongguk was mad at himself for not asking Taehyung where he lived, what school he was attending, if their parents could exchange numbers so they could play together again.
It was so frustrating.
Jeongguk has issues making friends, and it felt as if the heavens had sent him someone who could potentially be a friend, only for him to fail at the most crucial step: asking to keep in touch.
Now, waking up for the first day of second grade felt exhausting, and he wasn't even out the door yet.
When he made it downstairs for breakfast, his parents were already discussing something with his brother. Something about taking it easy, the complete opposite of the advice they ALWAYS give Jeongguk. Whatever his father was saying stopped when Jeongguk entered the kitchen. His father turned to him and just sternly said, "It's the first day of school, so don't cause trouble today. Listen to your teacher."
Jeongguk nodded like he always did.
He wasn't a bad kid, but people only see what they want to see. His quietness was often mistaken for having some sort of temper, his shyness for defiance. He didn't mean to knock things over, it's just his limbs seemed to have a mind of their own, he was clumsy. He didn't mean to stare either, he was just trying to understand the world before he stepped into it. But his father saw a troublemaker in the making, a boy who needed to be managed, always. So Jeongguk learned to exist on the border where he couldn't accidentally cause a problem.
His mother was always silent whenever his father started talking to him, he doesn’t know why she’s like that. And his brother? Well, his brother never acknowledges him… is there actually something wrong with him?
Throughout the rest of breakfast, the car ride to school, and even in the first half of class, Jeongguk stayed quiet and to himself. He kept his mouth shut and tried his best to stay out of trouble... whatever "trouble" looked like. The only time he spoke was when he told his teacher his name and when he asked to use the bathroom.
Now Jeongguk sat on the side of the building, watching the other children play during recess. His father's words echoed in his mind, "don't cause trouble today." So what better way than to stay away from any possible trouble than to play with the ants by his shoes. It's not like he had a bunch of friends to play with anyways.
It was fine. He had his imagination, and of course the insects. He creates stories in his head whenever he played with them. Like right now, the ant crawling on the top of his shoe was the leader, Anthony, guiding his ant pack to find a new home when he was stopped by a giant boulder (Jeongguk's shoe) which had crushed a few of his men. Anthony decided to investigate alone while the others crowded around, waiting for a command.
His story making was interrupted by a few kids running by which caused Jeongguk to startle and look up. They ran by laughing so loudly like they were having a blast, not even noticing him. Before he looked back down to go back to playing with the ants, that's when he saw him.
He couldn't believe this... Taehyung, the boy he met at the beach weeks ago, was by the playground in the grass trying to climb a tree.
Jeongguk sat there and stared at Taehyung, whose foot kept slipping on the bark. He looked kind of sweaty, like he'd been trying for a while now. Even though Jeongguk couldn't really see his face, he could tell there was clear frustration just from his body.
"I'll help you," Taehyung's voice echoed in Jeongguk's head, and before he knew it, he was on his feet and slowly walking over to where Taehyung was.
He was so anxious with each step he took though. He wasn't exactly sure what he would say to the older boy. A simple "hi" would do, right?
Well, when he stood behind Taehyung, he was hesitating to reach out, to call out his name, he started having second thoughts on this whole thing. I mean, there was still time to run back to his spot and play with the ants, right?
Nope. No time. None whatsoever.
Because Taehyung had suddenly turned around, maybe he sensed someone behind him or was ready to give up on climbing the tree and go somewhere else. Whatever the reason was, Jeongguk couldn't back out now.
Taehyung recognized him instantly. A boxy smile appeared on his face as he quickly wiped sweat from his forehead. "Oh, Jeongguk, it's you!"
Jeongguk nodded quickly and looked at their feet. Yeah, it's him, being a little creep sneaking up behind you. God, how weird can he be?
"I knew fate would bring us together again," Taehyung declared, which made Jeongguk look back up at him.
"What?" Jeongguk let out quietly.
"Well, when we parted ways at the beach, I was so mad at myself for not asking if we could be friends... but my mother said if it's meant to be, then fate would bring us together." Taehyung explained happily. "I'm glad I believed her."
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Jeongguk felt like he could explode with a mixture of excitement and anxiety right then and there.
"You want to be friends?" Jeongguk asked quietly, even though the answer was obvious.
Taehyung nodded quickly. "Yes, of course!"
Jeongguk's cheeks turned rosy and he looked away shyly once more, his eyes wandering the whole playground trying to focus on something other than the boy in front of him. His eyes landed on the tree behind Taehyung, the one he'd tried climbing earlier.
"I'll help you," Jeongguk offered quietly as he pointed to the tree.
Taehyung's face lit up, his smile widening. "Really? Okay!" He moved aside, giving Jeongguk space.
Jeongguk stepped forward, his heart thumping a nervous rhythm against his ribs. He quickly examined the tree before crouching slightly, lacing his fingers together to create a foothold. "I'll boost you up."
Taehyung nodded once and stepped forward in front of him. He placed his foot in Jeongguk's hands, mentally counted to three, and then pushed off the ground, grabbing hold of the tree. Jeongguk had completely misjudged Taehyung's weight, his knees almost buckled, but he managed to hoist him up high enough for Taehyung to find a good grip and scramble onto a thick branch before looking down.
Taehyung reached out his hand toward Jeongguk.
Jeongguk blinked and stared at Taehyung's outstretched hand, then glanced down at the ground for a moment too long. It wasn't just the height that was making him hesitate. It was the gesture. The hand felt like a connection was being made, a bridge between his lonely world on the ground and Taehyung's world up in the leaves. To take it was to accept it all, you know?
"Aren't you coming up?" Taehyung's voice snapped him out of his thoughts.
Jeongguk looked back up at Taehyung and his waiting hand. "Yeah..." he let out softly.
Jeongguk grabbed hold of the tree, found a good spot for his foot, and pushed up. When he reached Taehyung's hand, he quickly took hold, and with a firm tug, Taehyung pulled him up onto the branch. The limb swayed for a moment under their combined weight before settling.
Now they were both sitting on the branch, their legs dangling and their bodies slightly hidden by a curtain of beautiful green leaves. The other children on the playground were still loud as ever, but Jeongguk didn't care about them anymore.
"Wow, we did it!" Taehyung cheered, gently kicking his feet. "You're a good climber."
Jeongguk shrugged, a small, proud smile playing on his lips. "I've climbed a few trees..."
The two of them fell into a comfortable silence while sitting beside each other. Taehyung was interested in looking over everything below them, while Jeongguk watched a ladybug crawl along the branch in front of him.
Jeongguk's mind always raced with thoughts, but during this current moment, there was one that kept a smile on his face: he has a friend.
A real friend.
Not just a classmate he sat next to, not an imaginary friend, not an insect he found on the ground, but someone real, someone who had been mad at himself for not asking to be friends at the beach just like he was. He felt so warm inside at the thought that maybe fate really did bring them together.
The future suddenly snapped into focus. He could see it now: sleepovers during the weekends, afternoons playing together, secrets being shared, trading comic books. Maybe Taehyung would come over to his house and they could play video games, and his father wouldn't look at him like he was a problem waiting to happen, like he wasn’t some sort of disgrace. With Taehyung by his side, maybe he wouldn't be.
The thought was so big, so wonderful, but it was also scary. More fears easily crept into his mind with this new friendship, but looking at Taehyung, who was now trying to balance a leaf on his nose, the fears melted away.
"Hey," Taehyung said, the leaf fluttering to the ground. He turned to Jeongguk, his eyes bright and serious. "You live around here, right? Since we go to the same school now?"
Jeongguk nodded, his throat suddenly tight. "Yeah. A few streets away."
"Good," Taehyung said, grinning. "I'll ask my mom if I can walk home with you today. We can take the long way."
The long way.
Jeongguk nodded again, unable to form words, but he knew his smile was telling Taehyung everything he couldn't say out loud. He wasn't alone anymore... and for the first time ever, the future felt like something to be incredibly excited for.
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Well, that's even more fucked up if you think about it.
If you land on your legs only, you'll end up paralyzed for the rest of your life, and have to try n kill yourself a different way.
Jeongguk's thought about it a lot throughout the years.
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Throughout the years, the two boys became inseparable, the type of best of friends you see in movies.
Being with Taehyung felt magical. It was as if whenever he was near Jeongguk, there was this invisible shield around them, where all of Jeongguk's worries disappeared into thin air. The constant dread that filled his head, the fear of his father's voice, the anxiety of not being good enough it all evaporated. Taehyung's laughter brightened the day, and Jeongguk understood what it felt like to breathe without this constant tightness in his chest.
Everytime he was without Taehyung it felt like withdrawal. The moment they said their goodbyes, it seemed like a hole formed in Jeongguk's chest, a cold, empty space where he longed for Taehyung's warmth. It was a void that nothing could fill, not even his favorite video game or his imagination worlds he built in his mind. The silence in his own room would become deafening, every creak of the floorboards a reminder that he was alone again.
Could it be that his mind and body knew this fragile happiness was temporary? That Taehyung would eventually see him as a problem needing to be fixed too? See him as a disappointment, just like his family? Will he end up leaving Jeongguk too? Does Taehyung even see the way Jeongguk's father looks at him, the unspoken wish in his eyes that Taehyung was his son instead?
Well, yes, he does see it.
Not only does he see it, but he hears it too.
Whenever they hung out at Jeongguk's house and the younger was called out of his room because his parents needed to 'talk' to him, Taehyung would hear the comments through the door, through the walls. He could see the dim light leave Jeongguk's eyes when he walked back into the room. No matter how hard Jeongguk tried to fake a smile, Taehyung saw right through it, seeing the boy who was crumbling inside.
At first Taehyung didn't know how to handle it. He didn't know what to say or what to do to make Jeongguk feel better. It was something he learned over time.
One time, they were doing their homework together when his father barged into the bedroom. Both boys saw the stern look on his face, a look that said enough and that made Jeongguk rise from his seat to leave the room.
Taehyung knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but when the door clicked shut, he quickly got up to press his ear against the wood. He couldn't hear the conversation very well, Jeongguk's father was talking low, but it was something about Jeongguk not acing a test and getting a low grade in something else.
Jeongguk absorbed all of his father's words, kept his head low, and said nothing but a quiet, "I'm sorry."
Taehyung hates hearing that, mainly because 90% of the time, Jeongguk is apologizing for no reason at all.
Some examples are like, he'll bump into Taehyung when they're walking side by side, "I'm sorry." Drops anything on the floor, "I'm sorry." He'll laugh too loud, "I'm sorry." Even when he expresses a different opinion, "I'm sorry." Taehyung doesn't understand why Jeongguk's reflex for everything is to apologize for anything that happens, and no matter how many times Taehyung tells him, "It's okay, Guk. Stop apologizing," it always leads to another apology.
Jeongguk comes back into the room quietly, closing the door behind him with a soft click. He mutters, "I'm sorry about that," before crouching back on the floor where they were doing homework. "Where were we?"
Taehyung gets an idea right there on the spot.
"Let's take a break, do something else."
Jeongguk turns to him and raises an eyebrow, but puts his pencil back on his notebook. "Okay. Do you want to play a game?"
Taehyung moves around Jeongguk's room, his eyes scanning everything in its place. They drift from the bed to the desk to the dresser before he turns back to face the younger, whose eyes have never left him.
Taehyung puts a hand on his hip and gestures around the room. "Let's make a fort, but in here this time."
Jeongguk hesitates to move, since he really doesn't want to get scolded by his parents for making a mess in his room. He can already hear their voices in his head, the disappointment already making him feel small and insignificant. He looks down at the floor and grips the side of his shirt, the fabric twisting in his fingers.
Taehyung notices the shift instantly. He walks over to the younger until he's standing directly in front of him. Jeongguk looks up to see Taehyung's smile, that familiar expression that always melts whatever negative feeling is threatening to take hold. Taehyung grabs his hands gently, his touch warm and grounding, and holds them for a moment before pulling Jeongguk up from the floor.
"Don't worry," Taehyung says softly.
It takes them about fifteen minutes to make a small fort in the room, gathering extra pillows and blankets from Jeongguk's closet to make a comfortable nest on the floor. Taehyung crawls inside first and lays on his side, facing Jeongguk, who comes in after him.
The silence is comforting, to say the least, but as Jeongguk lays on his back staring at the blanket above them, he can feel Taehyung's eyes making holes into him. He lets out a small breath before turning his head to face him.
It's said a rose is the most beautiful flower in the garden, but if you ask Jeongguk, he'd say it's the carolina allspice. Taehyung's birth flower. But Taehyung himself looks more angelic than any flower Jeongguk has ever seen. Especially right now, with the way Taehyung's hair is slightly messy, his face completely relaxed, his skin luminous under the reddish light that the ceiling lamp casts through one of Jeongguk's blankets.
Every time Jeongguk sees Taehyung like this -- so pretty, so gentle, so ethereal -- he hopes, he prays, that Taehyung is real. That he's not dreaming and Taehyung isn't some made up imagination in a long, deep sleep.
"Guk."
Jeongguk blinks a few times when he hears Taehyung call for him, his eyes snapping back into focus on the older in front of him.
"Why do your parents always talk to you like that?" Taehyung inquiries.
Jeongguk instantly turns his head away from Taehyung at the question. He takes a deep inhale through his nose and exhales it slowly, the air shuddering out of him as he processes the question. It makes him close his eyes, feeling them start to burn with the more he thinks.
"My brother is going to college next year and they... I'm not good enough for anything, for anyone," he whispers, just barely loud enough.
Taehyung hears it though, and his heart starts clenching at that, at the fact his best friend probably really believes that. He doesn't say anything at first. Instead he instinctively reaches out and takes hold of Jeongguk's hand, his thumb moving across his knuckles in slow, soothing circles. The touch makes Jeongguk turn his head and open his eyes again.
Taehyung is smiling at him.
Smiling.
"You're good enough, I know so."
Jeongguk can't tell you what happens in the moments that follow after, but Taehyung remembers it all.
He remembers the way Jeongguk shattered at the words instantly, the younger boy breaking into quiet, hiccupping sobs and trying to turn away so he couldn't see it. He remembers grabbing Jeongguk's shoulders and pulling him firmly but gently into a hug, letting his shirt soak up the tears that traced paths down the younger's cheeks.
Taehyung remembers how they held each other for a long time, not really saying anything. Jeongguk's sobs muffled by Taehyung holding him firm against his chest, and Taehyung mumbling quietly, 'don't cry - shhh,'. Their bodies pressed together, neither of them wanting to be the first to let go.
After an hour, long after Jeongguk was calmer, Taehyung had another idea. He slipped out of the fort and went to the bathroom, then ventured downstairs where he found Jeongguk's parents in the living room. He simply asked if he could stay the night.
He brought the good news back to Jeongguk, and the way the younger's face lit up, a genuine, watery smile breaking through, made Taehyung's stomach bounce around like crazy.
The two of them did more homework together, taking breaks to play video games throughout the rest of the night until their eyelids grew heavy.
When it was time to sleep, there was an unspoken agreement wherehey would share Jeongguk's twin size bed. They piled on extra blankets and pillows, creating a cozy nest, before crawling under the covers. Jeongguk shifted, settling with his head resting on Taehyung's chest, as his arms wrapped around him.
Taehyung remembers Jeongguk drifting off first. He lay perfectly still, memorizing the way the younger's face softened as he slipped into sleep. The slight furrow in his brows finally relaxed, his lips parted slightly. He looked peaceful, unburdened, and Taehyung hopes he can always keep him like that.
Taehyung slowly leaned in, trying to be careful not to wake him. He pressed a soft kiss to Jeongguk's forehead before he whispered into the dark, "It's okay, Gukkie. I'm here, and I think you're the most amazing person I know."
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Taking pills seem like a drag.
Not because he thinks it wouldn't work, it clearly has, but it's mainly because what if it doesn't work out for him? Yeah, pop a bottle of pills and try to sleep, hopefully you never wake up! Or... you try that but your body fights it off, you feel so so so sick that you want to throw up but you can't because you don't want the pills to come back up. So you're in bed crying, in pain, so uncomfortable and it doesn't stop, until you can't take it anymore, then you throw up all over your bed, yourself.
You'll feel worse.
So much worse.
Oh, not to mention you could damage your livers and other organs doing that, so while there's a chance you survive that, there's also a chance you'll be in more pain and suffering for the rest of your life!
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Soooo it's safe to say that Jeongguk hates sharing, hates feeling like he's being replaced and hates not knowing what's inside Taehyung's head.
There were three things going on that were triggering Jeongguk's fight or flight at the moment.
Number 1: Taehyung was handsome.
Jeongguk absolutely loves seeing Taehyung every day.
Unfortunately, he wasn't the only one.
It started first with Maya in grade 8 on a random Thursday. She stared at Taehyung the entire time during P.E. Jeongguk tried not to think about it, but he knew exactly why... Taehyung looked so nice that day, especially when he poured some water over his head. Ever since then, she'd materialize every morning to greet Taehyung the moment they walked into the school building.
Taehyung, being Taehyung, was always friendly back, which annoyed Jeongguk even more since it meant Taehyung was giving her attention. Jeongguk would get so annoyed he'd look away and pout, impatiently tapping his foot on the ground, waiting for their casual talk to be over so he could have his friend back.
What Jeongguk doesn't see is the way Taehyung's eyes constantly flick over to him during those conversations. Sometimes Taehyung doesn't catch what Maya says because he's too busy seeing how cute Jeongguk looks, the way his bottom lip pushes out in a soft pout, the slight furrow in his brow as he stares at the scuff marks on his shoes. He always fought the urge to reach out, take his hand and pull along with him claiming they would be late for class.
Ugh, then there was Chloe.
This happened in grade 9 during one of their free periods.
Jeongguk and Taehyung were sitting shoulder to shoulder, doodling together in the same notebook, their heads bent close. She awkwardly walked over and placed a folded note on Taehyung's side of the desk. They both looked up, seeing her instantly flush beet red before scurrying back to her friends, who erupted in giggles.
When Taehyung opened the note, it was her number.
Jeongguk hated seeing that, but even more, he hated seeing Taehyung calmly fold it back up and slip it into his pocket.
What the fuck? Was he going to save her number? Text her later?
So many things ran through his head at the time, but instead of talking to Taehyung about it, he kept quiet. He went back to doodling in the notebook, pretending everything was fine, even though his mind was screaming that he was probably going to get replaced soon.
What Jeongguk doesn't know is that Taehyung definitely didn't save her number. He threw the note in the trash that same hour when he left to use the bathroom.
There were so many incidents with girls and Taehyung that Jeongguk thought he might explode and turn into a yandere psycho. He thought about sticking a note on Taehyung's back saying that Taehyung was his, or maybe even getting 'Taehyung's' tattooed across his forehead... or maybe not because that one's a little extreme…
But, Taehyung was... his, right?
They never talked about it, but... they were always holding hands in the hallways, their fingers intertwined cause it felt right. They shared each other's food without asking, Jeongguk stealing a bite of Taehyung's sandwich and Taehyung drinking the rest of Jeongguk's juice. They fell asleep in each other's beds together so often that there was a permanent dent in the mattress from the two of them. Taehyung would always let Jeongguk wear his favorite hoodie, both of them thinking it was their favorite now.
Jeongguk doesn't remember when the butterflies started. Or the first time he started kicking his feet in his bed when Taehyung texted him that he missed him. Or the first time when his heart started doing a little flip when Taehyung ran his fingers through his own hair, pushing it back from his forehead. He doesn't remember the first time he found himself absently doodling Taehyung's name with hearts in the margins of his notebook instead of paying attention in class.
But Taehyung was definitely feeling it too, right?
Or was it just... him?
I mean, it's okay though, because Jeongguk is more than happy with being just best friends with him.
He won't leave?
Number 2: Park Jimin and Min Yoongi.
This one makes Jeongguk feel a type of way because he was super content with having only Taehyung. So perfectly satisfied with their world of two that he never imagined needing anything or anyone else. However, Taehyung enjoyed spending time with Jimin and Yoongi, enough to call them friends and hang out with them outside of school. Was he not content with having only Jeongguk?
It's really weird.
He can't explain the rotten feeling in his stomach but this whole situation makes him feel so sick.
He remembers craving friends when he was younger, wanting the real deal instead of using his imagination and insects to keep him company. When Taehyung entered his life, it's like that desperate need vanished. He didn't care for anyone else, didn't want anyone else. All he needed was Taehyung. And for a while, it seemed like all Taehyung needed was him too.
But everything changes with the seasons.
Yoongi approached them first, talking directly to both of them, wanting to go bowling together sometime, but Jeongguk wasn't listening to him. He was focusing on Taehyung's expression, the way his eyes lit up with interest. Then came Jimin, when he got paired with them for a school project and somehow stayed paired with them even after they got the top grade in class. Jeongguk wished Taehyung had made it clear they were only a duo, and how the trio was only for the project.
Now both Yoongi and Jimin aren't bad, they're actually super nice, he knows this. Jeongguk has laughed at some of their jokes, he's enjoyed playing video games with them, he gets along with them. But he still wants to punch himself in the stomach when Jimin greets him first in the mornings, and when he gives him one of his homemade cookies during lunch. He still wants to pull his eyes out of their sockets when Yoongi smiles at him, telling him he really likes his drawings, and when he waits for Jeongguk after class so he has someone to walk with when Taehyung isn't around.
It's supposed to be this great thing but he fucking hates it, only because he can't have Taehyung all to himself anymore because he's now sharing him.
Sure, they still cuddle and sleep together most nights, tangled limbs and comfort in the dark. Sure, they still have their own inside jokes. Sure, they're still attached at the hip. Sure, they still share earbuds on the bus, heads leaning together, Taehyung's thumb tracing patterns on Jeongguk's knee. Sure, Taehyung still saves him the last bite of his lunch and still looks for him first when he enters a room. Sure, all of that is still there. Sure.
Sure, they don't get Taehyung the way he does.
They don't know about the scar on his knee from when he fell out of that tree when they were ten, or how he hums in his sleep when he's having a good dream. But it's not the same as it was before.
Before it was just the two of them. Best friends against the world.
I don't know, something is really wrong with Jeongguk regarding all of this, but it's okay, like it's really okay, because he's going to calm down, try and fix himself. He's going to be better because he doesn't want this to somehow ruin what he has with Taehyung.
He has the plan written out in his head that he's going to fix himself. He's going to be okay with sharing, he's not going to let jealousy create this unhealthy dynamic, this toxic possessiveness that's already poisoning his insides. He's not going to let it ruin his friendships not only with Taehyung, but the other two as well. He's going to fix this mess inside his head and be normal for once.
But he can't fix himself when his father beats him for the first time.
Jimin had asked everyone to go to the movies but Jeongguk couldn't make it because he had a lot of chores to do that day. Taehyung almost backed out, wanting to stay with the younger and help him but Jeongguk knew how much Taehyung wanted to see the new marvel movie. I mean, they both talked about it for weeks. So he begged Taehyung to go watch it for the both of them, and he did.
Now Jeongguk doesn't know what happened after he set foot inside his home. He knows he was doing his chores like he was supposed to, then something got knocked down when he moved too fast, he doesn't know what it was but it broke and made a huge mess. It made his father super angry with him, and well... you know. The shouting, the sudden sharp pain, the world basically turning dark inside Jeongguk's mind.
The beating wasn't the worst part though.
The worst part about what happened was how he couldn't run to Taehyung for comfort because he's not at home because he's with Jimin at the movies. Taehyung isn't available for him so now he's alone to deal with everything in his head.
So he wears their favorite hoodie, trying to find some comfort in that, and hides under the covers, curling into himself. He presses his face into his pillow, trying to muffle the sounds of his sobs, his body shaking with the force of his silent screams. He feels so alone, so abandoned, even though he knows it's not Taehyung's fault. But the rational part of his brain is drowned out by everything.
The pain he's feeling inside and out, the voices that won't leave his head, the darkness that seems to be plaguing him.
He cries for hours until he gets a text from Taehyung, talking about the movie. He talks about how good it was, his favorite part in it and how much fun he had, and this is when it hits Jeongguk, like a physical blow to his already bruised body. Taehyung is living his life, having fun, making memories, while Jeongguk is here, broken and alone.
Taehyung doesn't need Jeongguk.
Taehyung is fine without him.
So the next day before they meet up to head to school together, Jeongguk will cover up his wounds with makeup and long sleeves, and pretend everything is fine, because he won't ruin Taehyung's good days with his bad days.
He'll fake a smile whenever he's looked at, laugh at the right times, and pretend his heart isn't breaking in his chest or that his mind is swallowing him whole.
He'll do it for Taehyung.
Number 3: Taehyung had kissed someone.
Jeongguk doesn't remember much, that's true, but he remembers this day very well.
I mean, how could he forget the day his heart was ripped out of his chest, thrown on the floor and stomped on by the one person he saw light in?
How could he forget the day when things changed between him and Taehyung?
The day starts off normal. Jeongguk wakes up in Taehyung's arms to the sound of his alarm going off on the nightstand. His face is pressed against Taehyung's chest, the steady thump of his heartbeat a familiar lullaby. He pushes his face deeper into the fabric of his shirt, feeling his warmth and consuming his scent, but it's a bit overwhelming, and his nose starts to scrunch in protest. He turns away from him, holding his nose with a slight wrinkle of his face.
The movement finally stirs Taehyung, who slowly wakes from his sleep. When he opens his eyes, Jeongguk is turned to his side, staring at him while still pinching his nose. A sleepy, lopsided smile forms on Taehyung's face, and Jeongguk just melts at the sight. His hand slowly lets go of his nose, the fingers falling to rest limply on the pillow between them.
Taehyung takes the opportunity to boop Jeongguk's now free nose with his own finger, then instantly gets up out of bed, stretching his arms over his head with a groan as he moves to get ready for the day.
Jeongguk lays there for an extra minute, watching Taehyung's retreating back, and thinks, maybe today is the day. Maybe today he can finally be normal about their friend group. Maybe the sick, possessive feeling in his stomach won't return the moment he sees them laughing with Taehyung. Maybe he can finally learn to share without feeling like he's losing a piece of himself.
He was wrong, because everything fell apart during lunch.
Jimin and Jeongguk arrived at their usual table. Yoongi was already there, slumped in his chair and scrolling through his phone, looking like he always does -- wanting to be anywhere but at school. Jeongguk slid into his usual seat, his eyes immediately scanning the bustling room, looking for his best friend that hadn't seem to arrive yet.
He didn't see him though, not weaving through the lunch line or walking in through the main doors. A familiar, unwelcome knot of anxiety began to tighten in Jeongguk's stomach. He always beat them here, always saved their spot.
"Where's Taehyung?" Jeongguk asked, trying to stay calm.
Yoongi didn't even look up from his phone. "He said he was going to walk with Hyejin for a bit," he mumbled, thumbing at the screen. "But he should've been here by now."
Hyejin. The name landed like a stone in Jeongguk's gut. He forced a nod, his face a carefully constructed mask of indifference. "Okay. I'll look for him." He pushed himself away from the table, ignoring Jimin's questioning glance.
He walked out of the cafeteria and into the main hall, the noise fading behind him. He checked the library first, then the art wing, his steps growing more frantic with each empty room. Five minutes passed, a ticking clock of dread in his head. He was just about to give up, to turn back and accept that Taehyung had chosen her over lunch, over him, when he decided to check the old stairwell. It was mostly unused, a place kids went to hang out and skip class.
He saw Taehyung's back first, the familiar line of his shoulders, the specific way his dark hair fell against the collar of his uniform. Relief washed over him, so strong it made his knees feel weak. He was about to call out his name, a teasing 'Found you!' on his lips, but he stopped dead in his tracks.
There was another figure with him. A girl. Standing so, so close, her body angled into his in a way that screamed intimacy.
The world didn't just stop for Jeongguk, it shattered. The fluorescent lights in the hallway seemed to dim, the sounds from the halls around them muffled. He took a few more steps, his feet feeling like they were encased in cement, drawn forward by a horrifying, morbid curiosity he couldn't control.
He needed to see. He needed to confirm the nightmare his brain was already forming.
And then he saw it.
Taehyung was kissing someone. Well, not just someone. It was Hyejin. Her hands were cupping his cheeks, holding him gently. Taehyung's ears were red, and his eyes were squeezed shut. He wasn't pushing her away. He was leaning into it.
The air was sucked from Jeongguk's lungs, not like he got hit in the stomach but like a vacuum pushed into his throat and sucked everything out of him, crushing his lungs and his heart until there was nothing left but a cold void.
He took a stumbling step back, his hand flying to his own chest as if to physically hold himself together. A burning sting started behind his eyes, and he knew he was about to cry. He tore his gaze away, the image of them burned onto his mind, and he ran. He didn't care that he bumped into a student, sending their books to the floor by accident. He didn't care about the teachers yelling at him to slow down. His feet carried him blindly, desperately, away from the scene.
He spends the rest of the day in a daze, hiding in the back of the library, his head between his knees. His brain is a chaotic storm of emotion. He's sad, so profoundly sad it feels like a physical weight in his gut. He's angry, a boiling feeling just under his skin at Taehyung, at Hyejin, at everyone. He's upset, a whiny cry of 'it's not fair' echoing in his head. He feels betrayed, stupid, and completely alone once again.
Taehyung was supposed to be his. His person. His anchor. How could he give that away to someone else? How could he do that when he knew Jeongguk had no one else?
By the time the final bell rings, he's an empty shell and he wants nothing more but to rot in his bed. He walks out of the school, his body moving on autopilot, his mind replaying the moment on a loop.
Taehyung and Hyejin.
Taehyung kissed someone.
Taehyung doesn't need him.
Taehyung left him.
He's halfway home when he hears footsteps running up behind him. "Jeongguk! Jeongguk, wait up!"
He doesn't want to. He wants to keep walking, to disappear into his house and never come out. But his body betrays him when he hears that beautiful deep voice, he freezes on the sidewalk.
Taehyung skids to a halt in front of him, breathing heavily, his face plastered with worry. "Where did you go? I was looking for you everywhere," he says, his voice laced with panic. "Are you okay?"
Jeongguk can't look at him. He stares at a crack in the pavement, his vision blurring. "I wasn't feeling well."
"Oh, well... are you okay now?" Taehyung takes a step closer, his strawberry watermelon scent, that Jeongguk loves so much, washing over him, and it's torture. It's everything he wants and can't have.
"I'm fine," Jeongguk lies, his voice hollow.
"Look, about lunch..." Taehyung starts, and Jeongguk flinches. He can't do this. He can't hear the details. He can't listen to Taehyung gush about some girl.
"Please don't," Jeongguk chokes out, the words scraping his throat. "I don't want to hear about it."
Taehyung's face falls and he's confused. "Hear about what? Jeongguk, what's wrong? You've been weird for weeks, and now this..." He reaches out, his fingers brushing Jeongguk's arm, and the touch…
It burns Jeongguk and he flinches away.
And just like that, something inside Jeongguk snaps. The dam holding back all his pain, his jealousy, his fear, and now his heartbreak, bursts out. He looks up, and the tears in his eyes finally spill over, hot and humiliating. "You kissed her," he accuses, his voice cracking. "You kissed Hyejin."
Taehyung looks stunned, his mouth falling open slightly. "What? How did you... I mean, yeah, but--"
"You're supposed to be my best friend!" Jeongguk's voice rises, thick with desperation. "You're everything to me, Tae! And you... you went and... and now you have her, and you have Jimin, and Yoongi, and what does that make me? What am I supposed to do now that you don't need me anymore?"
Taehyung just stares at him, his expression shifting from confusion to dawning horror. "Jeongguk, no. That's not... that's not what it was. I didn't... I don't feel anything for her. I was just--"
"It doesn't matter!" Jeongguk cries, wiping at his face with the back of his hand. "You still did it! You chose someone else!"
He expects Taehyung to get angry, to deny it, to push him away. But instead, Taehyung's face crumbles. He looks heartbroken, and it only confuses Jeongguk more.
"I wasn't choosing her," Taehyung says quietly. He takes another step closer, closing the distance between them until they're inches apart. He looks sad and so sincere, it makes Jeongguk's head spin with confusion. "I was practicing."
Jeongguk blinks. "Practicing?"
"For you, you idiot," Taehyung says, his voice cracking. "I've been wanting to kiss you for months, but I was scared. I didn't want to be lame. I didn't want to mess it up. So I... I asked Hyejin for help since she has experience. We just... it was nothing. It meant nothing. It was always supposed to be you."
And before Jeongguk can process that information, before his brain can catch up with his heart, Taehyung is leaning in. He cups Jeongguk's face in his hands, his thumbs gently wiping away the tears. His eyes are locked on Jeongguk's, full of an emotion so intense that he can't breathe.
"Let me show you," Taehyung whispers, and then he kisses him.
And god it's not fucking lame at all. Not in the slightest is it lame.
The kiss is everything Jeongguk has ever secretly dreamed of and more. Taehyung's lips are soft, moving against his with a practiced confidence that makes his heart skip so many beats. One of Taehyung's hands slides into his hair, holding him close, and the other stays on his cheek, grounding him. The kiss itself tastes like bubblegum and desperation and forever.
Jeongguk's brain is on fire with so many things, but he's so certain that maybe things will be okay from now on.
░
A gun would be the quickest way, it's very rare to survive those. Data has shown that 90% people with a bullet through the head would just pass away before reaching a healthcare facility. He's done the research, but he has no way of getting access to a gun until he's an adult.
Wait, what if he joined a gang or something?
Nah, he's too...
░
Well, he was wrong, again.
Things weren't going to be okay from now on.
Jeongguk is struggling more to hide what his father has been doing to him, because... well, Taehyung has been so much more physically affectionate ever since they officially got together.
Don't get Jeongguk wrong, he fucking loves it. He lives for the soft, sleepy kisses Taehyung presses to his lips every morning when they wake up. He loves the casual, possessive way Taehyung pats his lap during lunch, a silent command for Jeongguk to sit. He loves listening to Taehyung ramble on about all the dates he wants to take him on - to every bad movie, to the new aquarium that just opened, to a fancy restaurant where they can dress up and pretend they're adults. He loves everything about him and Taehyung, and the way their relationship keeps evolving and becoming more real with every passing day.
They were making so many new memories and exploring new things together.
Like how Taehyung discovered the sensitive spot just behind Jeongguk's ear, on the column of his neck, and now uses it to his advantage at every opportunity. The younger pretends to hate it.
Jeongguk's favorite memory of grade 11 so far was when Taehyung took them to their new spot. Taehyung had spent weeks pestering the school's janitor, a grumpy old man who eventually caved and handed over a spare key to the roof. Taehyung knows it was so, so, so, so worth it.
Every free period now is spent on that roof, alone and together, high above the noise and drama of the school. Sometimes they just lie on the rough concrete, side by side, pointing out shapes in the clouds and sharing a pair of earbuds. Sometimes Taehyung brings his sketchbook and tries to draw birds that fly by while Jeongguk watches him, mesmerized by the way his brow furrows in concentration. But most of the time, Jeongguk ends up on Taehyung's lap, kissing his amazing, sweet boyfriend until their mouths are swollen and tired from it.
He loves their spot.
The only time he didn't love it was when they were up there, playfully teasing each other, and getting handsy, one thing leading to another. Taehyung ended up grabbing Jeongguk's hip to pull him closer, and Jeongguk flinched so violently it was like he'd been struck. The touch, which should have felt fine, sent a jolt of sharp pain through him. Taehyung froze, his face full of confusion. He could've sworn he hadn't grabbed him too hard, he knows he didn't.
"Guk? What's wrong?" Taehyung asked, his voice laced with concern. He tried to lift the hem of Jeongguk's shirt, needing to check because he knew something was wrong, but Jeongguk slapped his hand away, insisting he was okay. However, Taehyung was faster and stronger and in a swift, gentle move, he had the shirt pushed up.
There was a clear big bruise blooming over Jeongguk's hipbone. Taehyung's face fell, all the playfulness draining away to be replaced with worry. But Jeongguk tried his best to reassure him, his voice trembling as he quickly tried to think of something. "It's nothing, Tae, I swear. I fell the wrong way during gym, that's all."
He's not going to tell Taehyung that his father shoved him hard into the sharp edge of the kitchen table last night.
Thankfully, Taehyung dropped it, for a little while.
But the seed of suspicion had been planted, cause after that, Taehyung started noticing the smallest things.
Like when Taehyung would try to wrestle with him on the couch, and Jeongguk would always find a way to deflect, claiming he was too tired or that it wasn't fair because Taehyung was stronger. Like how Jeongguk always wore long sleeves, even on the hottest days when the rest of the students were melting in their shirts. Like how he'd wince slightly when he lifted his backpack, a flicker of pain on his face that he quickly masked or covered up. He'd say his body was just bothering him because he didn't sleep right, a flimsy excuse that Taehyung wanted to believe but couldn't.
Taehyung knows something is wrong and he keeps trying to complete the puzzle in his head, but he can't because Jeongguk won't open up.
Jeongguk doesn't want Taehyung to know what's happening in his home when he's not there. He wants to protect him from the ugliness, to keep their little bubble of happiness intact.
Unfortunately, life laughs in his face.
The air in Jeongguk's room smelled like freshly cut grass with the windows open. They were sprawled across Jeongguk's bed, a chaotic mess of textbooks. Taehyung was lying on his stomach, chin propped on his hand, watching Jeongguk chew on the end of his pen as he stared at a particularly vicious math problem.
"You're gonna get ink on your tongue," Taehyung murmured as he reached out and gently tugged the pen from Jeongguk's mouth, their fingers brushing.
Jeongguk sighed dramatically, and let his head fall back onto Taehyung's shoulder. "You win. I give up. I can't believe we do these stupid math challenges."
"I always win," Taehyung teased, pressing a soft kiss to Jeongguk's temple. He nuzzled his nose into the soft hair there. "Just say it. 'Taehyung is the smartest, most handsome boyfriend in the world, and I am but a mere peasant in his intellectual shadow.'"
A genuine laugh comes out of Jeongguk. "You're an idiot," he mumbled, but he tilted his head back further, silently asking for another kiss, which Taehyung gladly gave him. He felt so safe, so in love with how good he feels with him.
The illusion of safety shattered with the sound of the front door slamming shut, the boom echoing through the small house popped Jeongguk's sanctuary of a bubble.
Both of them froze, the kiss broken instantly. Jeongguk's body went still, a switch flipping behind his eyes. The soft, relaxed boy was gone, replaced by someone tense and fearful. Taehyung saw it happen, saw how he was instantly preparing for something.
"What?" Taehyung whispered, his own body tensing in response.
"Nothing," Jeongguk said quickly, his voice tight. He was already pushing himself up, putting distance between them. "Just... just my dad. He's home."
But it wasn't just 'his dad.'
Moments later they could hear him, his voice loud and angry from downstairs, slurring and faint. Then came his mother's voice, high and pleading, trying to soothe the beast. "Please, honey, just calm down, the boys are--"
Her words were cut off by a roar of fury. Heavy, thundering footsteps started up the stairs, each one a hammer blow to Jeongguk's composure. His face was pale, his eyes wide with a terror so profound it made Taehyung's own blood run cold.
"Jeongguk," Taehyung said, his voice urgent as he started to get off the bed. "What's going on?"
"Stay here," Jeongguk ordered, a desperate command. "Just... stay quiet. Please, Tae."
But it was too late. The bedroom door flew inwards, splintering the doorframe as it was thrown open with violent force. It hit the wall so hard the two boys flinched. And there stood, Jeongguk's father, a monstrous silhouette filling the doorway. The stench of liquor hit Jeongguk fast, a toxin cloud that poisoned the air. Then he saw his father's eyes, wild, unfocused, and burning with a drunken rage.
Jeongguk's mother was right behind him, clutching his arm, her face streaked with tears. "Don't," she sobbed. "Please, honey, calm down."
The man shook her off like she was a fly, his gaze locking onto his son. "Look at you," he slurred, his voice a venomous hiss. "Lying up here like a little prince while I'm out there busting my ass. Why can't you do something useful instead of hiding away with your... your little friend?"
Taehyung was frozen on the bed, his heart hammering against his ribs. He's never seen this. He's heard the comments, he's heard the private talks when they think he's not listening, but this was different. Hearing is different from seeing.
And this?
This was a side of Jeongguk's life he'd never seen.
"Get out," Jeongguk's father snarled, taking a staggering step into the room. "Or I'm going to throw you and your little friend out with the trash!"
"No, wait!" Jeongguk finally found his voice, but it was trembling. He shifted, using his body as a shield for Taehyung. "He hasn't done anything! We were just doing homework!"
Talking back was the wrong thing to do, he already knew this but... he couldn't let his father hurt Taehyung.
The man's face twisted with fury. He lunged forward at Jeongguk. He grabbed him by the arm, his grip like a vise, and yanked him off the bed, basically throwing him onto the floor. "I'm gonna teach you a lesson about respect," the man growled, his face inches from Jeongguk's. "You think you can talk back to me? In my own house? How many times do I have to punish you for you to understand?"
His father forced him to stand up, and then he raised his hand.
Taehyung's world went into slow motion. He saw the hand, saw the raw power in the swing. He wanted to scream, to move, to do something, but his body was locked in a state of pure, horrified shock.
The slap was sickeningly loud, a sharp crack that echoed in the sudden silence. Jeongguk's head snapped to the side and fell to his knees, his hand hovering over the new found red spot on his face.
"Useless," his father spat, his voice dripping with contempt. "Just like your mother. A disappointing, pathetic little--"
"STOP!"
The scream came from Jeongguk's mother. She finally broke free from her paralysis, throwing herself between her husband and her son. She pushed at his chest, her small frame fueled by a desperate strength. "Get away from him! Get out!" she shrieked, her voice cracking. "Look what you've done! Look at him!"
The rage in his eyes dimmed slightly as he looked from his crying wife to his silent, wounded son. He muttered something foul under his breath, then shoved past his wife and stumbled out of the room, his heavy footsteps retreating back down the stairs.
The silence that followed was worse than the noise and it was so suffocating.
Jeongguk's mother stood there for a moment, her body shaking, before she turned to her son. She reached out a trembling hand, but stopped just short of touching his cheek after seeing the handprint her husband left on him. "Oh, my baby," she whispered, her voice breaking. "Oh, Jeongguk, I'm so sorry."
Then she fled, leaving him alone with Taehyung, her quiet sobs fading down the hall.
Jeongguk didn't move a muscle. He just stayed there on the ground, staring at the floor, his body rigid and his eyes burning with tears. Taehyung finally managed to unfreeze himself, scrambling off the bed. He rushed to Jeongguk's side, his hands hovering, afraid to touch him.
"Gukkie," he breathed, his own voice rough with his own tears forming in his eyes. "Jeongguk, are you... oh my god."
Jeongguk lifted his head slowly. Taehyung saw how all the light, all the life he loved so much in his eyes, had been extinguished, leaving behind empty sadness. A single tear escaped, tracing a path through the invisible welt on his cheek.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," Jeongguk whispered, his voice cracking, shattering into a million pieces. "He's never... he's never hit me where anyone could see."
And in that moment, he looked so small, so broken, that Taehyung felt his heart sink down into his stomach.
░
Toaster in the tub? Straight out of a looney tones show.
Pathetic and childish.
░
Taehyung didn't know what to do.
He wanted to protect Jeongguk from his father. But he didn't know how, especially when Jeongguk would cling to him in the dead of night, his voice a whisper, begging him not to tell anyone. Taehyung felt like he was stuck between a boulder and a brick wall, trapped by his own promise. He wasn't going to betray Jeongguk's trust, not for anything. So he kept the secret, and it felt like a shard of glass in his gut.
He tried to take control of the situation in the only ways he could think of. By controlling their study dates, hang outs, sleepovers, forcing them to be all at his place only. He wanted to keep Jeongguk out of that house for as long as possible, but Jeongguk would eventually have to go back, and every time he did, Taehyung would stay up for hours, staring at his ceiling, his mind a prison of horrifying possibilities, wondering if Jeongguk's father had hurt him again.
Not to mention, there was something else that Taehyung found out, something else Jeongguk had been hiding from him, and it was a complete accident that he found out.
One day, on the weekend, Taehyung had gone over to Jeongguk's house earlier than expected because he'd finished all his chores quickly. Jeongguk's mother greeted him at the door, her smile tired but genuine, and told him that Jeongguk was showering and he could go up to his room if he wanted to wait. So Taehyung walked up the stairs, and entered the known sanctuary of Jeongguk's room, crashing face first onto his bed with a content sigh.
But when his head hit the pillow, he felt something hard underneath it.
He reached under the pillow and his fingers wrapped around a small, black notebook. One he's never seen before. He opened it up expecting to find school notes or sketches. He flipped it open to a random page, but what he found was definitely not for his eyes.
He should have stopped. He knew he should have closed it right then and there. But he couldn't. His eyes were glued to the page, to the frantic, messy handwriting that was so undeniably Jeongguk's.
I hate my life
Taehyung deserves better, but the thought of him leaving is scarier than the thought of my father's fist
Why doesn't my family like me? I'm trying my best
What is wrong with me? What if the monster isn't just in the house? What if it's me?
I saw a dead bird on the sidewalk today. I felt a little bit of jealousy. But then I saw the frown on his face and remembered why I can't.
Sometimes I look at him and I think, how long until you realize I'm broken? How long until you get tired of the pieces?
It's getting harder to get out of bed.
He flipped the pages, his hands starting to tremble. And then he saw it, a question that made his blood run cold.
Should I just die? Would that make everything better?
Oh, his sweet Jeonggukkie... Why is this happening to him?
There was just so much more that Taehyung couldn't stop reading. How could he stop reading?
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I promise I'm sorry
Why does he hate me so much? I didn't ask to be here. I don't want to be here
I took my mothers pills finally but there was only seven left in the bottle. Is that enough?
He held my hand today and I didn't want to let go. I wanted to live in that moment forever. Is that enough?
Am I a son if he doesn't want me?
I don't know how to fix myself. I know it's me. It's my fault. But how??? tell me how to fix this
If love is supposed to save you, why do I still feel like I'm sinking?
He's so beautiful. I'm afraid my darkness will leave a stain on him. I love him so much it hurts. I wish I was a better boyfriend for him. He's so good and I'm so broken. He'll see it eventually and then I'll be alone again.
To Taehyung, Jeongguk was the best thing that had ever happened to him. But in these pages, Jeongguk saw himself as a parasite, a darkness destined to taint Taehyung's light. He didn't know how to fix himself, he could only pretend, and the weight of that pretense was crushing him. Killing him.
Tears started to form in Taehyung's eyes, blurring the words on the pages. When he felt the first hot drop run down his cheek, he panicked. He quickly slammed the book shut, the sound unnaturally loud in the quiet room. He shoved it back underneath the pillow, exactly where he found it. He wiped his face with the back of his hand, taking deep, shuddering breaths, pretending he didn't see it. Pretending he didn't see those words.
And when Jeongguk entered the room a few minutes later, his hair damp and a small smile on his face, to see his boyfriend lying in his bed, playing a game on his phone and waiting for him, Taehyung was ready.
He quickly turned off his phone, tossed it aside, and got up from the bed, walking towards him. He stared into Jeongguk's eyes, searching for any hint of the bottomless pit of sadness he'd just read, before leaning in and kissing him, pouring every ounce of love he had into the sweet, gentle press of his lips.
After a few more minutes of kissing and touching, they settled into the bed, cuddling close and watching one of Jeongguk's favorite animes on his laptop.
But Taehyung's not really watching. His mind is a thunderstorm of what he read in Jeongguk's notebook. The words are burned into his memory, playing on a loop he can't turn off. He doesn't know what to say about it, if he should even bring it up, or anything really.
I mean, what the fuck does he do with that information? What does he say now, knowing that Jeongguk isn't just living with a monster inside his house but there's one in his head too? A monster that tells him he's worthless, that he's unloved, that the world would be better off without him. Both were things Taehyung couldn't fight. He couldn't throw a punch at a thought. He couldn't shield Jeongguk from his own mind.
So what Taehyung does is hug his boyfriend tighter, burying his face in his hair, breathing him in as if he could absorb his pain. He tells him he loves him more frequently. He tries his hardest to make him laugh, pulling out his stupidest jokes and goofiest faces, his heart aching with every fleeting smile he manages to coax from Jeongguk's lips.
He loves Jeongguk so much. All he wants to do is protect him, to fill his days with so much laughter and light that the darkness has no room to creep in. To show him all the love that he knows Jeongguk deserves, more than anyone in the world.
But Taehyung's only 17, and he doesn't know how to make Jeongguk see what he sees. He doesn't know how to make him believe that he's not a problem, that he's not a burden, that he's not tainted.
He hopes one day that his love for Jeongguk will dissolve all the pain in his life.
He doesn't know that's not how it works.
░
Slitting your wrist? A slow, draining death? Do you cut both wrists, or is one enough? How long do you have to wait? This one Jeongguk is having trouble researching about. He does know one thing though, that usually, this one doesn't work out because someone always finds you and 'saves' you.
Saving.
Why does anyone want to save someone who clearly wants out of his world?
Taehyung had 'saved' him once.
░
Jeongguk doesn't remember that day very well, he doesn't even remember what happened afterwards, and Taehyung can't seem to forget it, it haunts him, in the back of his mind every day.
The final bell of the day shrieked, a sound that signaled freedom, something everyone looks forward to after a long day, but now felt like a starting pistol for Taehyung's rising anxiety.
He was supposed to meet Jeongguk at the gates, they always meet at the gates. But five minutes passed, then ten minutes. The stream of students rushing out the building full of excitement started trickling down, and still, there was no sign of him. Taehyung walked around the front entrance trying to spot him, but eventually he leaned against the brick of the school building, a spot where he could see everyone leaving the front as he tried to remain casual.
He ended up spotting their close friend, Jimin, who was laughing with a friend near the steps. "Jimin!" he called out. Jimin looked over, his smile faltering slightly at Taehyung's tense expression as he walked up to him. "Hey, have you seen Jeongguk?"
Jimin's brow creased in thought. "Uh, yeah. He left right when the bell rang. Said he wasn't feeling good and was heading to the bathroom. He looked... I don't know, man. Just really out of it."
Yeah, he knows. How could he not know?
A cold knot forms in Taehyung's stomach as he replays the day in his mind, a frantic highlight reel of his own failures to bring a smile out from his boyfriend. The way Jeongguk had barely touched his lunch, Taehyung made sure to grab the last banana milk since it's his favorite but he didn't even touch that. The way he'd flinched, just slightly, when Taehyung had put his arm around his neck while walking to class. The way Taehyung couldn't find the stars in Jeongguk's eyes, he had tried everything, from silly jokes, to whispered after school promises, to linking their pinkies together under the desk, but it was like shouting into a void. Jeongguk had been somewhere else entirely today with this wall... that seemed to be too high for Taehyung.
"Right. Thanks," Taehyung says as he turns away from Jimin and heads into the school.
The hallways were eerily empty, the sounds of the students cheering for the weekend seemed miles away. With each step towards the boys bathroom near Jeongguk's last class, he's determined to make his boyfriend's weekend the best, to make up for this bad day he's having.
Taehyung takes a deep breath and pushes open the bathroom door. "Jeongguk?"
The only answer was the drip from a faucet.
He pulled out his phone, his thumb hovering over Jeongguk's contact before he noticed it. The little map icon under his contact picture was gone.
loml my baby<3 had stopped sharing their location.
His hands shook as he typed, his fingers flying across the screen.
where r u?
answer me please baby
are you okay
gukkie im worried
why did you turn it off???
He waited five minutes, each second stretching into an eternity causing his panic to rise with it. His phone remained silent in his hand. He hit the call button, pressing his phone to his ear as he started running, his sneakers squeaking on the floor as he checked empty classroom after empty classroom he went by.
The call kept going straight to voicemail. He tried over and over again but was met with the same result.
Taehyung's mind was a storm, a tornado, a hurricane, all of the above. He doesn't know where his boyfriend is. He knows a few nights ago his father hurt him again, he saw the fresh bruise on his ribs that Jeongguk tried his best to hide. He knows Jeongguk has been looking sadder lately, his silence becoming louder and louder these past few days. He knows he's been writing more in that stupid fucking notebook Taehyung now hates with every fiber of his being, the black book of secrets that Taehyung pretends he never found but every word is engraved in his mind.
Then it hits him.
He knows.
Taehyung stopped dead in his tracks, somewhere between the science and history wings. He knows. He quickly checks his backpack, the side pocket to be exact because that's where he puts it. He knows. But he can't find it, it's always in there but right now it's not. He knows.
He breaks out into a dead sprint and heads straight towards the stairwell. He took the steps twice at a time, his lungs burning, his heart a frantic drumbeat of please, please, please, please, please. He doesn't even bother with the handle, so fucking desperate, so far beyond rational thought. He slams his shoulder into the heavy fire door at the top of the stairs
It swung out without resistance.
It's not locked.
The bright afternoon sun blinds him for a moment, and maybe it should've stayed that way, because when his eyes adjusted, and the world fell away. There he was, his boyfriend, his best friend, his sweet angel. Standing on the narrow concrete ledge, his back to the door, his face tilted up towards the endless blue sky.
"Jeongguk," Taehyung breathes out.
Jeongguk turns his head slightly at his voice, but he doesn't move from the edge. He doesn't look at him. "You found me," he says, his voice so quiet it's almost carried away by the wind, but Taehyung hears it perfectly loud.
And Taehyung wants to laugh at that, a hysterical, insane laugh. 'Of course I found you,' he wants to scream. 'Of course I did. How could I not? I know you. I know every part of you.'
But he feels frozen where he stands, his feet rooted to the rough concrete. His... his sweet, beautiful boyfriend is standing on the edge and they are so, so high up. The world feels like it's tilting and Taehyung is so scared right now. "Baby," he manages, his voice trembling uncontrollably. "Come down from there. Please. Just... come down from there."
Jeongguk looks down at the ground below. He sees the lingering students, almost like ants walking, laughing with their friends, living their lives. But he's up here, on the edge, but with one step forward, he will be on the ground next to them.
"If you jump from a four story building," Jeongguk asks absentmindedly, like he's pondering a math problem, "will you die right away?"
The air is gone from Taehyung's lungs and his blood runs cold. And tears, god, the tears are there, blurring his vision, streaming down his face before he can even stop them.
This isn't happening. This can't happen.
"Baby, what? No," Taehyung chokes out, the word a desperate denial.
Jeongguk lets out a shaky breath, a sound that's heavy with the weight of the world. "I'm tired, Tae."
"I know, baby," Taehyung says, his own voice cracking. He manages to take a few small steps forward, his hands held up like he's approaching a wild, injured animal. "I know you're tired, but look at me. I'm here, okay? I'm right here."
Tears finally start streaming down Jeongguk's face. "I can't look at you."
"Why?" Taehyung whispers, his heart shattering all over again. The pieces are falling on the floor as he takes another step forward. He needs to be closer, he needs–
"Because if I do," Jeongguk's voice breaks, a raw sob tearing from his throat, "I won't do it."
And that, right there, is the only thing that matters. The only sign of hope right now. "Then don't," Taehyung pleads, taking another step. "Don't do it. Look at me, Guk. Please, just look at me."
"I can't," Jeongguk sobs, his shoulders shaking. He wants to jump. He needs to go. He needs to. "You make it so hard. You make it so hard to want to leave." But Taehyung, the best thing about his shitty fucking life is here.
"Good!" Taehyung cries out. "I want you to stay! I want you to stay because of me. Please, Jeongguk. Please don't take my world away from me."
He's getting closer now. He can see the tear soaked collar of Jeongguk's shirt, the way his hands are trembling at his sides. Taehyung needs to think, he needs to do something.
"I don't-- I can't-- I'm not wanted here," Jeongguk's voice cracking with his sobs. "I don't want to be here."
"I want you," Taehyung can't control how he sounds right now, but he doesn't care in the slightest. He's pleading so desperately, he needs Jeongguk in his arms right this second. "I always want you. Jeongguk, listen to me, okay? Graduation is a few weeks away and we'll be free. You and I, we'll leave here, go somewhere else, anywhere you want to go, just say the word and we'll go. Okay?"
"It hurts, Tae," Jeongguk whispers. "Everything hurts. It hurts so much. It won't stop hurting."
"God-- baby, I know," Taehyung sobbed, closing the distance until he was right beside him, he needed to be beside him. "Let me take some of your pain, okay? Share it. It's going to be okay. Just please, please, please, my love, look at me. Come here. We can plan our escape tonight, right now. I love you so much, please don't do this. Please."
Jeongguk knew how close Taehyung was to him at this point, he could feel his presence right beside him. "Do you really think your love will be enough?"
The question felt like a stone being dropped into a deep well, or in this case, Taehyung's soul. He doesn't know and that brutal reality of it makes him unable to speak for a moment. He just stands there, looking at the side of Jeongguk's face. He watches how the wind moves the dark strands of his hair. He watches how each tear that escapes his eye slides down his cheek before falling from his chin. He watches the fine tremor that runs through Jeongguk's entire frame. He doesn't know, but he hopes.
He has hope.
"I don't know if it's enough," Taehyung finally manages to say. "But I know that it's all I have. And I know that I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it be."
And even though he is right here, he isn't grabbing him. God, he wantss to so badly, to use all his strength to pull him off that ledge and into his arms and never let go. But he's terrified. He's scared that Jeongguk would fight him, that the sudden movement would startle him, and that he would just... fall.
Then for some reason Taehyung remembers being in the ocean on a hot summer day, playing ball with his mother. He misses a catch and he goes to retrieve it, that's when he saw him. He saw a small boy in the sand near the shore, trying his best to build something in the sand and failing. No one around him was helping that poor boy, everyone just kept ignoring him. Taehyung doesn't understand why no one paid him attention, because the moment he did... Well, he couldn't resist getting out of the water and heading over.
Taehyung takes a deep breath, trying to stop his hands from trembling before he offers it to him.
"You look like you need some help."
The words hung in the air between them, fragile and filled with a history only they understood.
And finally, FINALLY, Jeongguk turned his head.
His eyes found Taehyung's. Both of them were red rimmed and swollen, their faces blotchy and wet with tears and snot. But Taehyung was smiling at him.
Smiling.
Jeongguk wanted to tear his gaze away, to retreat back into the numbness, but he couldn't. He was trapped by the light in Taehyung's eyes, a single, unwavering star in his dark sky. So instead of looking away, his gaze dropped to Taehyung's outstretched, shaking hand.
A bridge between his dark world up in the sky, and Taehyung's world that’s safe on the ground. To take it was to accept it all, you know?
"Angel, aren't you coming?"
And he took it.