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Ienzo was having a hard time focusing, by which he meant he could not focus at all, but that was too embarrassing to admit, even to himself. Ever since recompletion, he’d been doing so well at holding it together. He couldn’t bear to lose his composure now, especially over something as silly as this.
It’s not silly, Ienzo reminded himself in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Aeleus. After all, Aeleus was the first—and so far, only—person he’d come out to. Aeleus had been so kind about it. He reassured Ienzo that he’d always have his support, gave him a hug, and took him out for ice cream. He didn’t even ask any of the questions Ienzo had prepared for, which led Ienzo to believe that Aeleus already knew what it meant to be aroace. Then, a few hours later, Ienzo caught Aeleus squinting at his gummiphone as his thick fingers struggled to type “what is arrow ace,” and Ienzo laughed hysterically while he explained. Aeleus’s promise of support stayed exactly the same.
But Even wasn’t Aeleus. Aeleus was the easy practice run. Even was terrifying. Even was blunt and insensitive even when he meant well and was in a good mood. If Even didn’t take it well…well, Ienzo had several escape plans, just in case.
Ienzo kept running through said escape plans on loop in his mind while his eyes glazed over in front of the many screens.
“Are you sick?”
Ienzo jolted and knocked his elbow against the table. Hissing and rubbing the sore joint, he spun to look at Even. “Of course not.”
“Then why aren’t you working?”
“Why do you assume that I’m not working?” Ienzo said, bristling despite the obvious truth.
“Your monitors went to sleep three minutes ago,” Even said.
Ienzo blinked and looked back at his desk. His nervous reflection stared back at him from several dark screens. “…I see.”
“It is unwise to push yourself when you’re ill,” Even chided, crossing his arms.
“Yes, I’m sure you’ve never done that.”
Even narrowed his eyes.
With a sigh, Ienzo said, “I’m fine, Even.”
“Really.”
“Yes.” Ienzo swallowed. “There…there is something I’ve been meaning to discuss with you, though.”
“Well then,” Even said, dragging a chair over and taking a seat, “let’s get this over with so we can both return to being productive.”
“Of course,” Ienzo said with a tense laugh. In spite of his worries, seeing Even behave in such typical Even ways gave Ienzo a sense of comfort. Maybe it would be alright after all.
Ienzo took a deep breath.
“It’s something that I began noticing while we were in the Organization,” Ienzo began. “At first, I assumed it was merely a side effect of being a Nobody. But after being recompleted for so long…I still feel the same.”
“Oh?” Even’s eyebrow rose, and he scrambled to find a notebook and pen. “And what are your observations?” He clicked the pen open.
“No, Even—this isn’t—” Ienzo dropped his face into his palm. In retrospect, he really should have seen that coming. “This isn’t something to study. It’s a personal matter.”
“Yes, and?”
“I’d…greatly prefer if you didn’t take notes.”
Even frowned. He pressed his lips together tightly, fighting to hold in words that were desperately trying to escape. Finally, he said, “Fine,” and set the notebook aside. His empty fingers twitched against the air.
“Thank you,” Ienzo breathed. Then he continued. “After some much needed and, honestly, difficult introspection, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just the way that I am. And, I hope—” No. “And I know it’s okay.”
Ienzo bit his lip and squeezed his fists. “I’m aroace.”
Even kept waiting. “And what does that mean?”
Ienzo’s tongue was painfully dry. “Aromantic and asexual. I…don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction.”
“And why does this matter?”
…Ienzo was still getting used to his heart, but even if he’d had a full life to grow accustomed to his emotions, that still would have hurt. “Because, I…” Ienzo sputtered. “Because it’s part of who I am. And I thought you cared about me.”
“Of course I care about you, Ienzo,” Even said in exasperation. “But frankly this topic is quite insignificant. Our research is far more important than something as frivolous as romance. I’ve never wasted my time on such simple matters as courtship, or,” Even waved his hand, “whatever it is that people do.”
“It’s not a matter of choosing not to pursue a relationship,” Ienzo said, wincing at the pathetic way his voice broke and his eyes started to sting. “I do not feel it.”
“Good,” Even said, which just made Ienzo more confused. “If more researchers cast off those time-wasting interests as the two of us do, our community could make much larger developments in our studies. I’m glad to hear that you’re just as dedicated as I am, Ienzo, but this entire conversation was a waste of our precious time.” Even stood up. “Can we proceed?”
Ienzo gaped at him. He didn’t know whether to scream or cry or throw all his computer monitors at Even’s face. How could Even feel so similarly to him yet still not understand?
Then Ienzo thought harder about some of the things Even had said. Things that felt a bit too similar. “Even…have you chosen to ignore your romantic feelings, or do you not have them?”
“Don’t try to distract me with technicalities, boy,” Even said. “When you truly love the sciences, your heart belongs to research and research alone.”
“What about Aeleus and Dilan?” Ienzo said. “They’re nearly as intelligent and devoted to our research as we are, yet they still love each other. Does that make them any less of scientists?”
Even wrinkled his nose. “I try not to think about their little connection,” Even said. “It makes no sense.”
Now Ienzo was the one resisting the urge to pick up a notebook. “Why do you feel that it makes no sense?”
“Because it doesn’t. There are no logical benefits to doing something like that with another person. It is far more rewarding to…Why are you looking at me like that, Ienzo? If you have something to say, say it.”
Ienzo tapped his fingertips together. “Is it possible that you might be aromantic as well?”
“What?!” Even snapped, gesticulating widely. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Ienzo, but I assure you that your silly words are far less important than our work.” He gathered several books and sheets of paper in his arms and stomped toward the door. “Now, if you’re through wasting my time, I have work to do.”
As Even’s footsteps receded down the hall, Ienzo stared at the empty space where Even had been. In all his overthinking and contingency planning, Ienzo had never considered things going wrong like that. He didn’t even know how to react.
So he picked up his gummiphone and called Aeleus.
When Aeleus answered, everything bubbled over and Ienzo burst into a gross combination of tears and laughter before he could even get a word out. Aeleus ran through the castle to Ienzo’s side in ten seconds flat.
They got more ice cream that night.
After a long, long evening with a few more tears and many offers of physical violence toward Even that Ienzo turned down (for now), Ienzo crawled into bed, absolutely exhausted. He’d figure out how to move forward with Even in the morning. For now, he tried to sleep.
He kept trying.
After a couple hours of tossing and turning, something burst Ienzo’s door open, and he screamed.
“Quiet,” Even said not-quietly as he turned on the light.
As Ienzo caught his breath and tried to calm his heart, he blinked his eyes into focus at the book Even all but threw onto his lap. Just as Ienzo caught a glimpse of the word “orientation” on the page it was open to, Even tossed his gummiphone at Ienzo as well, and the screen was lit up with several variously colored flags.
Even sat at the foot of Ienzo’s bed. He put his head in his hands. “…Explain it to me again.”
“Huh?” Ienzo said, still a bit dazed.
“Explain it,” Even repeated. Then, with much difficulty, he added, “Please.”
“Why?” Ienzo said.
Even hissed through his teeth. “I have done some research, and I am willing to at least consider the minute possibility that…” He groaned. “…that you might be right.”
Wow. This day really was full of surprises. “Really?”
“Don’t make me repeat myself,” Even snapped.
Suppressing a laugh, Ienzo sat up, keeping the blankets wrapped around himself. “Well, first of all, keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you. The way you feel—or don’t feel—is completely natural.”
Even exhaled, and some of the tension in his shoulders visibly released. “You’re much better at this than I am,” he muttered.
“I know,” Ienzo said.
Ienzo braced himself, but Even didn’t scowl or yell. He smiled. A very small smile, but a smile nonetheless.
“I’ll tell you a bit more about how it feels for me,” Ienzo began, and Even nodded. Listening. Ienzo knew this would go much better than before.
And based on the notebook that he didn’t bother to stop Even from writing in, Ienzo also knew that he wouldn’t be getting any sleep that night.