Chapter Text
Rin couldn’t tell where he was, or what was happening around him, however he could still feel the burn of his muscles from the ‘blue lock vs u20 team’ match. So he was probably still alive and sadly hadn’t died in his sleep like he hoped every night that he would.
After a few minutes Rin had concluded that he was indeed in his bed. The bed that didn’t feel warm or comforting like it should, rather it felt as if he was laying on a bunch of rocks that were left outside in the cold and had never regained their warmth. Which was not that surprising considering everything itoshi Rin touched seemed to never give him warmth or comfort—well except for his big brother , Itoshi sae ,of course. But sae wasn’t there, he hadn’t been there for a long time , and he probably would never be there again.
Well maybe if he decided to kill himself maybe, just maybe sae would come see him, Rin thought, and then immediately shook his head. That would never happen. Sae would maybe get a notification from their parents telling him that Rin had begone suicide and all sae would probably do was stare at his phone in utter disgust that his lukewarm excuse of a brother had been such a failure and killed himself.
It was almost funny how clearly Rin could picture that look of disgust on his brothers face. Maybe he should really kill himself just so that his brother could experience half of the pain he had gone through in these past years.
He laid pondering for a few minutes on if he should really do such thing. It made sense in his head. Nothing was fun anymore (not like that’s something new), soccer was just another exhausting thing he kept doing because he felt like he had to, even living felt like a nuisance. So why should he spend another week,year or even decade pointlessly existing?
His parents or anyone for that matter could probably not care less if he lives or dies ,so why continue living? Itoshi Rin wasn’t even good enough for his nii-chans attention or approval, Sae had praised that stupid home wrecking bastard Isagi yoichi instead. So it was clear as day that Rin was completely worthless and that he would never be anything else than a half baked failure.
‘Ugh whatever’ Rin thought, overthinking never helped anyways. Letting out a quiet sigh under his breath he turned his head to look at the alarm clock on his bed side table.
February 28.20xx
5.47 a.m
It red. Great. There were still 13 minutes till his alarm actually rang,and he planned to enjoy those 13 minutes that he had left in his bed as much as he could. Keyword :planned to. As soon as his eyes closed his mind was instantly plaiged with thoughts about the past ,his childhood, and of course memories of that snowy day sae came back from Spain, and had said all those cruel,harsh but very much true words to him.
Yeah no this wouldn’t work. With a groan Rin rose to sit up in his bed, still very much tired but whatever , he wouldn’t be able to sleep again anyways. He sluggishly dragged himself out of bed and to his closet. It felt like he was walking into the dark, cold ocean and every step he made only brought him nearer to his already appending doom. The 2 minutes ,if not less, he walked to his closet ,had felt like multiple hours or at least his body was already exhausted like he had walked for hours.
He picked out a simple outfit a grey shirt, Black joggers and his sports jacket to keep him warm, when he went out to train in half a hour or so.
When he finished choosing his outfit, he headed towards the bathroom to change and brush his teeth. He didn’t exactly know why he changed in the bathroom and not in his bedroom, there was no one who could barge in anyways. The house was completely empty except for him (again not surprising it was always like this.)
——
After Rin finally put on his shoes, he left the house with his football and started heading down the street to where he knew the football field ,he spent most of his childhood playing at, was located. The walk there felt surprisingly quick. It might’ve been because Rin was lost somewhere in his thoughts or because he was just walking pretty fast. Whatever it was, Rin was happy that he could finally distract himself with playing football again.
As soon as he started stretching and warming up he could feel his still sore muscles protesting , begging him to stop , go home and just shone his body for the rest of the day. But he didn’t ,he just kept going like it didn’t affect him, because it didn’t. He was already used to the pain, he actually enjoyed it more than he wanted to admit.
The actual practice went by painfully slow but fast at the same time. Because before he knew it he was back on his way ‘home’, it was more a place he stayed at temporarily rather than a home really.
He had spent the first 3 hours of his day training until his legs almost gave out so now he was definitely gonna go home and shower. After that he’ll maybe play some video games or watch a few horror movies. Yeah that sounded good. He really didn’t have the energy to do something thing else today. Maybe that was cause he hadn’t ate breakfast, he wasn’t really hungry so it didn’t matter.
The cold february air bit at the skin of his finger tips as he was walking. He couldnt wait till he was home again. There he would be safe from the cold that so cruely reminded him of the winter night sae came back home.
---
The door shut behind him. He had made it home safely, and was now heading upstairs to the bathroom. He started to peel off his clothes as soon as he stepped foot into the room. He could see the faint scars on his arms and shoulder, scars he had made himself. He didnt pay too much anttention to them since they were already old and he was long used to them.
The drops of water that rained down on him as he stepped into the shower were hot, so hot that it almost hurt. Rin enjoyed it tho, it was just another way to punish himself for not being enough, for being too lukewarm. He sighed and began washing his hair. It was soft to the touch. The rest of the shower after washing his hair swam together in his mind. It didnt matter anyways, it was just another routinly thing to do. He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. His still wet hair dripped water onto the floor. Eh he would clean that up later. Earlier he had grabbed a simple oversized shirt and random shorts from his room while he was on the way to the bathroom, that was what he was putting on right now. Once he was fully dressed he looked at himself in the mirror. He hated how he looked so much like his nii-chan. It disgusted him.
He disgusted himself so much that his hand moved to remove his phone case. A small silver razor blade fell out. It had already had a little dried blood on it from all the other times he had cut himself. His other hand grabbed a sheet of toilet paper with it he could hold the razor blade without cutting his fingers, which felt really uncomfortable. He sat down on the toilet lid and pushed up his shorts a little. There on his left thigh were many healed and fresh cuts. All of them even if healed looked either red or pink. He lowered the razor blade to right above his thigh. His heart was beating so loud and fast that he could hear it in his ears. He didnt really know why, he had done this hundreds of times before.
Slowly he pressed the corner of the razor blade in his skin. He didnt slide the blade yet he just pressed down, then he slid it forwards painfully slow. The blood already began to form while he was still mid cut. Once he removed the blade from his skin he could see thick red beads of blood beginning to roll down his thigh. The sting that accompanied the fresh cut was fantastic. It distracted from everything else so that he could only see the blood that was rolling down his thigh. This cut was deeper than usual, there was also more blood than usual. But he knew that was what he deserved it.
He grabbed a handful of water and slowly poured it onto his thigh not caring that the floor and part of his shorts were getting wet. Blood was still gushing out of the wound. He grabbed another two sheets of toilet paper and folded them neatly together before holding them down onto the wound on his thigh. The paper quickly stained red he didnt mind tho it was just another paper that he would throw in the trash in the morning. He took the sheet off for a moment just to look at how much blood was on it. There were big and little drops of blood on there but it could still be used. so he laid it back down on his tigh and grabbed the bandage he had sitting on a shelf. He started to wrap the bandage tightly around his thigh so that it wouldn't fall down when he walked.
Once he was finished with that he pulled his shorts back down, put the blade back into his phone case and threw the sheet of toilet paper he used to hold the blade away, he made his way downstairs so that he could maybe grab half a cucumber since cucumber was low in calories but still food.
He didnt expect to see his brother on the living room couch. He didnt expect to see his brother at all if he was honest with himself. So when his eyes caught a head of pink hair sitting on the couch seemingly scrolling on his phone he froze. Shaking his head to get out of his state of shock he made his way to the kitchen. There he grabbed a cucumber, washed it and cut it in half. He hoped that his brother wouldnt see the white bandage that fell a little beneath his shorts or the way his hand trembled from shock,nervousness and lack of energy. He bit into the cucumber and planned to make his way back to his room as fast as possible but the voice of his brother stopped him.
"What were you doing in the bathroom so long?"
Sae asked. He sounded almost bored while asking it, as if just talking to Rin was not worth it.
"Why do you care?"
Rin shot back. It was a defensiv mechanism he had built over the years. He wasnt very proud of it but atleast it protected him from being hurt emotionally by other people again. Sae gazed up at him for a moment before looking back down at his phone. He didnt say anything and neither did rin.
Rin turned his back to Sae and made his way back up to his room. He bit of a piece of cucumber and slowly started chewing while he walked.
'this should be enough for today, i think. Well i do have the week off so i dont really have to eat that much even if i have to train. I mean i could pass out on the field and no one would know. If no one notices when I pass out while training why do I still so naivily hope that someone would notice or let alone care about me comitting suicide?'
He ignored the last few thoughts. It had no use thinking about killing himself *now* he could do that later when he's alone in his room. But as much as he tried to surpress the thoughts that were swirling in his head, he couldnt. They were constantly nagging at him, trying to get him to either tell somebody or kill himself right now.
In the end, when he got to his room, he had done neither of the two. Because he knew that if he told somebody he a) wouldnt know who or have anyone to tell, b) he wont be a lukewarm idiot again and let himselfbe vulnarble with someone, c) he didnt have the energy to do anything else except laying down in bed to watch horror movies or sleep today.
---
His bed was warm and inviting this time around which was really surprising. Maybe it fellt like this because he had finally accepted that this life wasnt worth living for and that he would die soon. They always did say that acceptance is one of the best things and that it would make life easier. He should have just accepted the fact earlier because while he lay there in his bed he realized that it fellt amazing and that he didnt have the energy to leave and didnt want to leave even if he had the energy.
he grabbed his ipad which was sitting on his bed side table.He typed in the password and opened netflix where he put on the 'horror' movie "slenderman" he didnt really find it that scary. It was a good movie and it was one of his favorites tho, so he watched it surprisingly often. After flipping over onto his stomach he set down the ipad and pulled the blanket over himself. It was really cozy.