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“We meet between the soil and sea, the fishes and seagulls all laughing at me. I fear I know what they see.”
~Easy, by waveform*
Shadowsight’s memories of the walk home after everything had been said and done were…fuzzy, at best.
He mostly remembered leaning heavily on Lightleap, keeping as much of his weight off of his wounded leg as possible as his vision swam. He felt like he was floating to the left of his body, the world spinning around him dizzily, the disorientation making him feel sick. He felt as if he was watching their trek home as a spectator rather than a participant.
His head and the wound on his flank throbbed in time with his heartbeat, and it’s the only thing Shadowsight fully had a grasp on. He internally noted every thump of his heart as the four ShadowClan cats made their way home.
Distantly, Shadowsight could hear his family conversing around him, and noticed them try to address him directly once or twice, but he didn’t have it in him to listen in. He knew it probably had something to do with him, probably tied back to what happened in the Dark Forest, what happened to Bristlefrost. How she hadn’t…
His heartbeat. His heart beat a little quicker than normal, but Shadowsight zoned in on the rhythmic thumps in his chest and let everything else around him fade into a quiet buzz.
He didn’t think he could stand thinking too hard about anything else.
Shadowsight started coming back to himself some time later. A hubbub of concerned and curious mews reached his ears as he and his family arrived back at ShadowClan camp.
Tigerstar announced Ashfur’s death triumphantly, his yowl met with victorious cheers from the rest of the clan. Shadowsight winced at the sudden increase of noise, his clanmates’ caterwauls sending spikes of pain through his skull, which Lightleap evidently noticed as she nudged him lightly with her head.
“Come on, let’s go find Puddleshine.”
Shadowsight nodded numbly, allowing himself to be led to the medicine den where Puddleshine was already peeking his head out to see the commotion. His eyes widened at the sight of his battered apprentice.
“Shadowsight? What happened?” Puddleshine mewed, his voice tight with concern as they entered the den.
Shadowsight searched for the energy to respond to his worried mentor, and couldn’t come up with any; The task of speaking felt inexplicably daunting. Luckily, Lightleap took the liberty of speaking up instead.
“I wasn’t able to join the patrol in the Dark Forest, and the mousebrain insisted he go in my place,” Lightleap explained as she lowered Shadowsight into a nest.
Puddleshine stiffened. “Why in StarClan’s name didn’t somebody else go besides the medicine cat still in recovery?” Puddleshine’s voice betrayed his stress as he gently pulled away at the cobwebs on his flank.
The bleeding had stopped long ago but not before soaking through the hastily applied dressing. The wound was surrounded by older scars, a permanent reminder of what Ashfur had done to him only a couple moons earlier. Many of them were still tender, having yet to heal properly.
“He said ShadowClan should take part in the patrol, and he was the only one there besides me. I tried to stop him, but he insisted on going,” Lightleap said darkly, a thick layer of upset draping over her words.
Shadowsight would later realize that if Lightleap was upset or angry, it was only directed towards herself, or even Ashfur, but in that moment all it did was feed the guilt simmering under his pelt.
She’s right to be angry. If it weren’t for me, Bristlefrost wouldn’t be— Wouldn’t be dead. Oh StarClan, Bristlefrost’s gone forever, and it’s all my fault.
The world once again felt far away for a few moments, the wool-in-his-ears sensation increasing as his vision blurred.
When Shadowsight was able to listen back in, he registered Puddleshine sniffing at his head, and the voices of him and Lightleap still discussing his condition as if he weren’t there.
“…hit his head, apparently. They said he passed out a couple times, Mothwing was worried about a concussion,” Lightleap was saying.
“How long has he been like this for? I’m worried about how out of it he is,” Puddleshine mused, licking at the wound on his head because oh yeah, he had his head smashed into a tree only a few hours ago. A concussion would definitely explain how much his head hurt, and why the den hadn’t quite stopped spinning.
Anyway, Shadowsight didn’t want to worry Puddleshine, so he swallowed and, voice coming out in a quiet croak, said: “He can hear you.”
Puddleshine shifted in surprise, leaning forward to get in Shadowsight’s line of sight. “Hey. It’s good to see you looking a bit more lucid. I have some questions to ask you, and then you can get some rest, okay?”
Puddleshine’s worried and gentle tone reminded Shadowsight of returning home from SkyClan while still recovering from Ashfur’s attack; quiet with a strong undertone of anxiety, as if worried Shadowsight would disappear again. Shadowsight hated how familiar that expression was becoming, from his mentor and his family.
Puddleshine regaled Shadowsight with all of the typical concussion related questions. His name, what season was it, was he dizzy, could he follow Puddleshine’s tail tip with his eyes; a drill Shadowsight himself had run through many times with other cats. After what had happened with Antfur and his head injury, it was far better to be safe rather than sorry.
After confirming that his only ailments were his visible wounds as well as waves of dizziness and nausea, Puddleshine quickly ruled out anything serious. Just some lacerations and a concussion. A poultice and a few days of rest, and he’d be back on his paws.
As Puddleshine continued to tend to Shadowsight’s injuries, Lightleap began to look more and more awkward, until eventually she mumbled something about going to see Pouncestep before swiftly walking out of the medicine den.
Shadowsight stared after her, the guilt bubbling to the surface again.
Lightleap must hate me. She trusted me to make things right, and I couldn’t do it. And now it’s too late to fix it.
“Shadowsight.” A tap of a paw on Shadowsight’s shoulder made him flinch, turning around to meet Puddleshine’s concerned gaze.
Puddleshine looked as if he wanted to ask him something, and Shadowsight subconsciously braced himself for the questioning he’d been dreading. But after a moment, Puddleshine seemed to change his mind, instead looking down and pushing forward the leaf he had brought that Shadowsight hadn’t noticed until then.
“Here, some poppy seeds. That should help enough for you to get some sleep.”
Shadowsight obligingly lapped up the three small seeds after a moment of hesitation.
Puddleshine got to his paws. “I’m going to go discuss some things with Tigerstar, but I’ll be back soon if you need anything. Rest well.” And then Puddleshine was gone too.
Shadowsight let out a sigh of relief. He definitely wouldn’t complain about not having to be the one to explain what had gone down tonight to his mentor.
Even before the poppy seeds fully kicked in, the drag of fatigue was pulling down on him.
Tonight was my chance. My one opportunity to fix what I broke, Shadowsight thought before he let exhaustion overcome him.
I had one last chance to fix everything, and I failed.
Shadowsight insisted upon going to the half-moon meeting the next night, despite his injuries.
All of the medicine cats apologized and forgave him, recognizing that he had never wanted Ashfur’s tyranny any more than the rest of them. It was the most relieving thing Shadowsight had heard in many moons.
So why did Shadowsight still feel so ashamed?
“Come on, Snowbird, I know they don’t taste great, but these herbs will make sure you keep getting better,” Shadowsight coaxed, pushing the feverfew leaves towards the sick and grumpy she-cat.
After one last lethargic glare at the offending leaves, she finally lapped them up, chewing with a grimace before swallowing. “There, happy?”
“Very,” Shadowsight replied seriously.
He and Puddleshine had been worried about the older she-cat. She’d been feverish for the past few days, sleeping off whatever bug she’d caught and was too out of it even when awake to do much more than drink a few laps of water, refusing food. It was good to see she had the energy to grouse at him today, she was likely on the mend.
Shadowsight pushed a waterlogged moss-ball towards Snowbird next. “I also brought you some water in this moss as well, drink as much as you can. We don’t want you getting dehydrated, and it’ll wash away the herb aftertaste.”
“Hey, Shadowsight! You have a moment?”
Shadowsight turned towards the voice to see Pouncestep standing in the den entrance, tail waving eagerly. Her silhouette was framed with light from the bright afternoon sun.
"Yeah sure," he called back. He turned to Snowbird once more. “Will you be alright for a moment?”
“I’m not a kit, Shadowsight, I can be left unattended for a moment. Go talk with your littermate,” Snowbird responded, rolling her eyes as she began lapping at the ball of moss.
Shadowsight nodded seriously, not taking the older she-cat’s attitude to heart, before meeting Pouncestep at the den entrance.
"Is everything alright?" Shadowsight asked first, sniffing at Pouncestep’s pelt to check for anything amiss. She seemed alright, but he can’t be too sure.
"Hello to you too, mouse-brain," Pouncestep teased, shoving Shadowsight's nose away with a paw.
"I was just wondering if you wanted to go on a walk with me, get some fresh air?"
"Oh," was all Shadowsight said for a moment. "I thought you were on tonight’s border patrol?"
“Well, yeah, but those are…you know, basically just really long walks. Same thing.”
“Sure, but are medicine cats even supposed to go on those? I’m not sure I’d be any help in a border skirmish.”
Shadowsight pointedly did not think about the last time he was in a fight. Shadowsight was not thinking about Dark Forest cats chasing at his heels as he climbed up a tree, his flank burning and his heart pumping wildly. Shadowsight wasn’t thinking about it.
"Haven’t heard anything saying they can’t," Pouncestep reasoned with a shrug. “Besides, the borders have been quiet as a mouse lately. No one wants to get into a fight right now.
“Come on, it’ll be fun! We haven't gotten to spend much time together since...well, it's been awhile," Pouncestep trailed off awkwardly, eyes breaking contact, because they both know exactly why they hadn't been able to spend much time together. With all the trouble that the imposter had caused…
The explicit thought of Ashfur made ice run through Shadowsight’s veins, and he felt a small shudder roll through him. Shadowsight didn’t like thinking about him. He didn’t like the reminder of the aching pit he’s felt in his chest ever since he’d lost his connection to the evil StarClan cat. But Ashfur was gone now, and so the pain he brought would leave soon as well. He must remember that. He mentally shoved down those thoughts, yet the cold chill didn’t quite leave his bones, despite the warm late-green-leaf air.
"Well...I don’t know Pouncestep, I don't think I should leave Snowbird all on her own—"
"I'll take care of her, don't you worry."
Shadowsight jumped at the sudden new voice. Puddleshine was making his way towards the medicine den, stopping before the two conversing siblings.
"You've hardly left the den in days, go get some fresh air! We can manage without you for a little while," Puddleshine urged, speaking around a mouthful of feverfew, nudging his apprentice good-naturedly before brushing past him.
“See? If Puddleshine says it’s fine then it is! Race you to the entrance?” Pouncestep says before dashing away.
“Hey, wait up!” Shadowsight said, his decision made as the medicine cat bolted after his littermate.
And Pouncestep ended up being right; The borders were exceptionally quiet today. The patrol could hardly be considered such, more of a nice stroll while they occasionally refreshed the border markers.
Cloverfoot, the patrol’s leader, had very quickly acquiesced to the younger medicine cat joining the patrol (why Pouncestep hadn’t asked her first was beyond Shadowsight,) and the two kept to the back of the patrol, chatting softly away from the others.
Getting outside of the medicine den was, admittedly, very refreshing. Shadowsight hadn’t realized how cooped up he’d felt until he had stepped outside of camp. With his concussion recovery, Snowbird getting so sick, and…other reasons that compelled him to spend most of his time away from others, he’d hardly left the medicine den this past moon, let alone camp.
Besides all that, it was nice to spend more time with his sister. It had been so long since he had been able to hang out with her without a horrible threat looming over them. Being able to just talk about anything and nothing at all and not have anything else he needed to be keeping his mind on was rejuvenating.
“Hey, you still with me? You got quiet for a second there,” Pouncestep spoke up suddenly, and Shadowsight jerked his gaze back up towards hers. He hadn’t even realized he was zoning out.
“Oh, y-yeah! What was it that you were saying?”
Instead of responding, Pouncestep gave him a scrutinizing look, bordering on concern, before looking back forward as they continued to follow the patrol.
“Shadowsight,” Pouncestep began hesitantly. “Are you doing alright?”
The question caught Shadowsight off guard, and he hesitated a couple moments before answering: “Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t I be?”
After all, what was there to fear? StarClan had returned, Bramblestar was back in his body, and Ashfur was gone. Gone forever. There’s absolutely no reason to still be caught up over it, because the danger has been dealt with. The hole that had made its home in Shadowsight’s chest ever since the death of his tormentor was just proof that the Clans had survived, it didn’t bother him. Because how crazy would he be to mourn anything even remotely connected to his tormentor?
Everyone was fine. He was fine. That reassurance didn’t stop Pouncestep from giving him a funny look.
“I don’t know, it’s just…you haven’t been around at all, Shadowsight. You’ve hardly left the medicine den since…you know. You weren’t leaving it much even before all that either.” Shadowsight grimaced and looked away, because…yeah, he wasn’t leaving his den. He couldn’t bring himself to face anyone most days.
“Tigerstar and Dovewing have been talking about it too,” Pouncestep continued. “I know you had a concussion, but Puddleshine says you’ve been cleared for almost a moon now. And now that I’m finally able to hang out with you, you just seem so…scattered. So has Lightleap lately,” she finished sadly.
“So…are you okay? Did something happen that I don’t know about?” What can I do to fix it? Pouncestep didn’t say, but her pleading gaze spoke for her.
“Did something happen that I don’t know about?” echoed through Shadowsight’s head as, unbidden, the memory of regaining consciousness in the Dark Forest to the sight of an agonized Rootspring, and the somber news that Bristlefrost had died to save the Clans, to save him from the demise she herself had fallen to.
If anyone in ShadowClan was aware of what had actually caused Bristlefrost’s death, no one had confronted him about it yet. He doubted it, since he was the only ShadowClan cat who had witnessed it.
“No, I’m just…taking in everything that’s already happened. I’ve been having some head fog left over from the concussion too, which isn’t helping. I’ll be alright,” Shadowsight lied, but he could tell his moment of hesitation had been too long.
He could tell Pouncestep was winding up for a firm rebuttal, but then Shadowsight picked up an unusual scent on the breeze and stopped walking.
“Do you smell that?”
“Shadowsight, don’t try and change—“
“No, Pouncestep, I’m serious. Is that what I think it is?”
Pouncestep gave him a skeptical look before sniffing the air in confusion, her face lighting up with the same realization Shadowsight had made, and then excitement. “Is that…rabbit?”
The two glanced at the patrol ahead of them, who had all paused to discuss something.
“Come on, before we lose the trail!” Pouncestep whispered, padding her way stealthily into the undergrowth.
“Pouncestep, wait!” Shadowsight hissed, swiftly following his sister. “Shouldn’t we let Cloverfoot know where we’re going?”
“It’ll be gone by then!” Pouncestep protested.
The two carefully stalk their way through the forest until, a short way from the border, they caught sight of the rabbit. It nibbled on a patch of long grass contentedly, blissfully unaware of the two felines stalking it.
“Where’d it come from?” Shadowsight mumbled. “Rabbits don’t usually come by these parts of the lake, do they?” Shadowsight doesn’t typically participate in hunting patrols, but he is sure that he hasn’t seen rabbit on the freshkill pile in a long time.
“Must have wandered in from WindClan, wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened,” Pouncestep whispered.
“So…how do we want to go about catching it?” Shadowsight asked, glancing over at his sister. His whiskers twitched in amusement at the excitement glittering in her eyes as she zeroed in on the rabbit.
“We’re going to trick it into running right into my jaws. Once I’m in position, you chase it right towards me.”
Shadowsight nodded. It was a good plan. Or, at least he was pretty sure it was. He wasn't often on hunting patrols, after all.
As Pouncestep settled into her position, a few foxlengths away from Shadowsight, the rabbit bounding towards another closeby patch of clover to nibble at, Shadowsight crouched low in preparation, the small creature none the wiser. Shadowsight crept forward strategically, preparing to herd the rabbit into Pouncestep’s clutches, when all of a sudden he stepped on a rogue twig. The resounding snap made the rabbit immediately snap to attention, dashing in a direction too far away for Pouncestep to leap after.
“Fox-dung!” Shadowsight hissed, hot embarrassment washing over him. That’s the kind of mistake apprentices made!
“Don’t just stand there, after it!” Pouncestep yowled, breaking into a sprint.
Without any time to think, the two siblings were off. Shadowsight found himself struggling to keep up embarrassingly quickly. The exertion was more tiring than it would usually be, and he could feel the motions tugging on sensitive wounds, both newer and older. But he was determined to keep up and make the catch.
The rabbit suddenly veered to the right and, in his laser-focused state, turned to follow. Before he could even process his mistake, he ran into Pouncestep head on, the two cats tumbling head-over-paws. The two lay panting on the ground for a couple moments, the thrill of the chase fading away.
“Pouncestep,” Shadowsight gasped, guilt washing over him. “Pouncestep, I’m so s—”
Before he could finish his apology, his sister’s pants turned into a wheeze, and then all-out laughter.
“That was…the funniest thing that’s happened to me... in moons,” the she-cat managed between cackles, unable to say anything else as peals of laughter hit her again. Before Shadowsight could process the reaction, he found himself giggling too, laughter rocking through his body.
And for a few moments, Shadowsight sincerely felt okay, the clouds over his head chased away. Nothing mattered to him other than this moment, laying in the sun-warmed grass laughing with his littermate.
“Pouncestep!” came a familiar shout, and they looked up to see Cloverfoot standing a fox-length away, an unimpressed expression on her face. Shadowsight sat up, winding up to apologize, but Pouncestep beat him to it.
“Sorry, Cloverfoot, we got a little distracted,” his sister wheezed out between giggles, her laughter slowly fading.
Cloverfoot visibly rolled her eyes before stating: “Well, if you’re done being distracted, we have a border patrol to finish. We need to get back before sundown.”
The two cats, laughter just about tapered off, obediently got to their paws with “Yes, Cloverfoot”s and “Sorry, Cloverfoot”s falling from their mouths.
Cloverfoot feigned annoyance, but the medicine cat saw her sidelong glance in his direction as he passed. She’s…worried about them. About him. Shadowsight definitely hadn’t realized how noticeable his withdrawal from the Clan had been.
As the patrol continued on, Pouncestep regaling what had just happened to the other members, Shadowsight gave himself the time to relish in the warm feeling in his chest. The calm he felt for the first time in moons.
This was proof. Proof that the hole Ashfur left behind could be filled. Because, after all this time, Ashfur had no control over him anymore. Maybe if he thought it enough times he would start to believe it.
By his own terrible luck, Shadowsight was definitely sick with what Snowbird had just recovered from.
He should’ve known this would happen; his body had been over-taxed for moons now, it had no chance of protecting itself against an illness he’d been around so frequently. He’d noticed the alternating chills and hot flashes on the morning preceding the half moon meeting, recognizing the familiar symptoms of a fever.
He’d spent an insufferable amount of time nest-bound these past couple moons, and refused to spend any more. He couldn’t stomach any more concern or pity from his family, his clanmates, or his mentor.
So, he decided that morning while laying in his nest, he’d take care of it by himself.
He remembered the dandelion leaves Fidgetflake had dosed him with for his fever back when he was recovering in SkyClan’s camp, and ate a couple when Puddleshine wasn’t looking. Those herbs were less likely to be missed than feverfew, an herb Puddleshine preferred to use.
He left for herb gathering early, and made sure to really get covered with the scent of the juniper he was gathering that day; his efforts would be in vain if Puddleshine managed to smell the clinging scent of illness, even if he wasn’t sick enough for it to be very strong.
But, to Shadowsight's dismay, it wasn't enough to stave the illness off. Despite the herbs he’d ingested, Shadowsight felt horrible by the time he and his mentor left for the meeting; the chills had worsened, and it was all Shadowsight could do to avoid shuddering where Puddleshine could see him. The older tom still seemed to realize something was wrong.
“You’re awfully quiet tonight, Shadowsight. Is everything alright?” Puddleshine asked, glancing sideways at his charge.
“Yeah, just…pretty tired. Didn’t have much luck sleeping last night,” Shadowsight reassured.
It wasn’t the reason for his lethargy, but it was a believable excuse. Vivid nightmares had clung to him ever since kithood, spurred on by his intense visions, and had only worsened after what the Impostor had subjected him to. His mentor, unfortunately, was far from unfamiliar with his interrupted sleep patterns, and had gotten up to keep an anxious Shadowsight company more than once throughout his apprenticeship.
Puddleshine hummed sympathetically. “That’s no good…perhaps we should try some calming herbs tonight and see if that helps any,” he offered.
“That works for me,” Shadowsight acquiesced. If Puddleshine felt like he was solving the problem, he wouldn’t look any closer and find the actual issue. He suppressed another shudder as a chill rolled over him.
Shadowsight felt worse after the trek, and it felt like his skin was extra sensitive as he pushed through the wall of thorn bushes that led to the Moonpool clearing.
They weren’t that late to the half moon meeting, but Jayfeather still found a reason to grouse at them for it.
“Took you both long enough” the grouchy tom snarked.
“Oh hush, Jayfeather, it’s barely past Moonhigh,” Alderheart immediately chastised with the patience of a cat who had gone through similar conversations before.
“I’m just saying, you’d think everyone would be more punctual after everything that’s happened,” Jayfeather huffed, stubborn as usual.
“We came as fast as we could, Jayfeather,” Puddleshine assured, infinitely more tolerant than Shadowsight could bear being in that moment.
Shadowsight tuned out most of the exchanging of pleasantries, and the discussion of Clan affairs. The pressure in his head was making focusing much more of a chore. He also quietly sat down, all that time on his paws beginning to make him feel dizzy and sick to his stomach.
In the corner of his eye, he noticed Whistlepaw—Kestrelflight’s recently appointed apprentice that had been introduced the half-moon meeting prior—staring at him, and even when he looked away he could feel the curious gaze roving over the ugly scars that marred his pelt, some he knew were still pink and raw looking. He tried not to let it bother him, avoiding eye contact.
As the medicine cats all drew near to the Moonpool, Shadowsight had to stop himself in his tracks; with his head so muddled, he’d almost forgotten that there was no point in attempting a connection any longer.
“Trying to ditch me, huh young one?” Mothwing called out from where she had settled, a few fox lengths away from the pool to give the others enough space.
Shadowsight offered a small smile in return, turning to sit with her instead, settling a respectful fox-length away. “I would never,” he replied, voice teasingly grave.
Shadowsight groaned internally as his head throbbed, body flashing with heat. Ugh…
“Someone’s quieter than usual,” Mothwing grumbled, breaking Shadowsight’s focus away from his inner complaints.
“Sorry, Mothwing,” Shadowsight quickly soothed. “Just…thinking. How is RiverClan faring?”
Mothwing gave Shadowsight a bemused look. ”Well, like I said before,” she started, words pointed, and oh StarClan, he must have tuned her out by accident earlier, how embarrassing…
“We had a couple nasty fevers. Something must have been spread at the last gathering, with how it’s popped up in a couple clans now. At least it hasn’t spread enough to be a full on outbreak,” Mothwing huffed.
“Yes…so far we’ve only had Snowbird, and luckily she was able to be moved before any of the other elders could catch it,” Shadowsight remarked, the lie slipping from his tongue uncomfortably.
There was a long pause, the two sitting in awkward silence.
“I may also be taking on a new apprentice, if things go as hoped over the next moon,” Mothwing said, voice suddenly more somber.
Shadowsight quickly clammed up too, mouth going dry at the reminder of Willowshine’s demise. Another one of many casualties from Ashfur’s rule. “Do you think you’re ready for that?” he asked gently.
“Maybe not…but StarClan seems to have chosen a new successor for me already, if Frostkit’s mother’s claims of prophetic visions are to be believed. I guess they’re eager to replace Willowshine, considering *I’m* no suitable conduit for their messages,” Mothwing scoffed, but he could see the tension in her posture.
Shadowsight didn’t comment on it any further, sensing her discomfort. Willowshine’s loss still clearly weighed on the she-cat, and he doubted that she would feel comfortable talking it out with him, even if she had already forgiven him along with the others.
Shadowsight decided to address the one thing he felt like he aptly could. “Does that bother you? Not being able to communicate with StarClan.”
“Not as much as it should, maybe,” she responded drily. “I’ve never cared for them, and they’ve never cared much for me.” Mothwing leveled him with an odd look. “Does it bother you?”
Shadowsight hesitated. Did it bother him? If the words of StarClan were to be believed, the spirits had never truly had a connection with him either. It had always been him, sticking his dark claws into Shadowsight’s mind.
“I guess n-not,” Shadowsight lied, but the last word got caught on the tail end of a full-body shudder, his pelt suddenly changing from hot to cold as if he’d been dunked in the lake. To his further dismay, Mothwing definitely took notice.
“A bit of a warm night to be shivering…” she muttered suspiciously, beginning to shift as if she were about to come closer. Shadowsight stood abruptly, moving away before she could notice anything else more damning.
“They’re waking up now, me and Puddleshine should be going,” he bluffed, and thanked StarClan that they’d had mercy on him for once in his life as Puddleshine stood up from the edge of the pool. Mothwing obviously didn’t buy it, but clearly decided it wasn’t a fight worth pursuing.
“Stay safe, Shadowsight,” she sighed, getting to her own paws as Shadowsight padded away stiffly before she could get close enough to feel the heat that was surely radiating off of him.
Shadowsight’s congested head swirled the entire walk home; filled with memories he hadn’t thought to revisit before, spiritual meetings and visions he had never questioned until now. It had always been Ashfur. Every single one. How long had he known that Shadowsight could be used in that way?
When he finally made it to his nest, rest didn’t come for a long while, the prescribed calming herbs doing painfully little to soothe his troubled mind.
When Shadowsight awoke the next morning, it was to a cold and gentle nose pressed against his own blisteringly-hot one.
Consciousness was not kind; his headache from the day prior had only worsened, and his stomach felt about as settled as the lake on a windy day. His throat felt agitated and scratchy.
Shadowsight opened his eyes, pressure behind them making his head throb, meeting the concerned gaze of his mentor. Mousedung. He should’ve known it would end like this sooner rather than later.
“You’re burning up…must be what had you feeling off last night…” Puddleshine mused, watchful eyes tracking Shadowsight as he pushed himself into a sitting position.
“I was taking care of it,” he mumbled before he could think too hard about it, and immediately regretted saying anything at all as Puddleshine’s expression darkened with realization.
“You knew, and you lied about it. Why would…I wouldn’t have been upset that you caught Snowbird’s fever, Shadowsight,” Puddleshine stressed. He was stern, but clearly more confused than anything.
The readily offered concern…something about it snapped something delicate inside of Shadowsight, frustration bubbling in his stomach alongside the nausea. “I thought I had it handled. I took herbs for it, I didn’t push it—“
“Traveling a quarter of the territory to a half-moon meeting with a fever is pushing it, and you know it," Puddleshine retorted, irritation in his voice rising. "I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me about it. Even if you were well enough to get most things done, I could’ve helped you.”
“Well, maybe I didn’t want any help, have you considered that?” Shadowsight snapped, voice croaking and throat shredding as his volume raised abruptly.
Puddleshine stopped, stunned. Shadowsight couldn’t remember if he’d ever yelled at his mentor before now. He didn’t care.
“StarClan forbid I try to find control over one thing in my life. Maybe I just couldn’t stand the idea of you or my family smothering me when it isn’t any of your business to,” Shadowsight yelled in a rush, panting a little as the blood rushed to his already buzzing head.
He hadn’t meant that. He knew he hadn’t. But the anger persisted. He felt dizzy, but he got to his paws anyway. “I’m taking a walk. I’ll check on the watermint and bring some back.”
“Shadowsight, you shouldn’t be—“
“Don’t follow me,” Shadowsight clarified darkly, not looking back to see if Puddleshine listened. And he must have, because despite the curious eyes of those preparing for the dawn patrols and the camp’s guards, likely noting…however bad Shadowsight looked, no one approached him.
Shadowsight pressed forward, ignoring the spin of his head and the heaviness of his limbs as he trudged towards the lake. He knew logically he was way too warm, but the dawn chill felt absolutely frigid, and he shuddered uncontrollably. The flashes of heat were long gone, and he knew that was a bad sign. It meant he was so warm that everything else felt cold in comparison.
Shadowsight had gone too far with Puddleshine. His mentor was only worried, and rightly so by how awful he felt. He knew he hadn’t been fair, but he felt so ashamed. He should’ve been able to handle it. No matter what now, the minute Shadowsight returned to the medicine den, his fever would be Puddleshine’s problem. A fresh wave of self-loathing washed over his over-sensitive pelt, and he swallowed back the painful lump in his throat.
By the time Shadowsight had arrived at the lakeside, the spin had begun to turn into a sway, upsetting his stomach further as darkness began to encroach the edges of his vision. He was forced to sit down the moment he made it to the watermint patch. This was getting bad. Upset or not, he shouldn’t be alone if he was hot enough to be feeling this dizzy.
Through his hazy vision, he plucked a couple leaves of watermint, not wanting to return empty-pawed after the way he had stormed out.
He stood again. Now he had to…had to…
The sudden change of position made his vision swim dangerously, and he swayed confusedly on his paws. Where had he come from again? Which way did he need to go?
Unfortunately for Shadowsight, he didn’t even make it one step back towards the forest before, suddenly, he felt very warm, and the world darkened before tilting violently to the side.
Shadowsight was out before he even hit the ground.
Even when consciousness returned, awareness was fleeting.
“—shine said to keep an eye out for—“
“—think I see—!”
Shadowsight was so cold. Was there a draft in the den? Why couldn’t he move?
“—didn’t look right when he left—”
“—adowsight, can you he—?”
“—need to get him to Puddleshine immediately.”
The mention of Puddleshine snapped him awake. Puddleshine. He had been trying to get back to him.
His legs twitched as he tried to get them underneath him but only managed to go from laying on his side to weakly crouching on the ground. He groaned as his head pounded from the change in position.
“Take it easy, Shadowsight. Are you hurt at all?” a tentative voice asked, and his bleary gaze turned to meet the owner.
A small patrol’s worth of cats stood by; Berryheart, Flaxfoot, and Flowerstem waited a polite distance away from where Blazefire crouched by him, concerned eyes flickering between his own and scanning his body. That’s right, he had passed the dawn patrol preparing to leave on his way out.
“No. Passed out, ‘m not…” Shadowsight croaked, breath wheezing a bit. It felt harder to breathe than it should be.
The white and ginger tom’s eyes widened a bit. “Let’s get you home. Puddleshine will know what to do.”
Shadowsight didn’t hear the patrol maneuver around him as the wave of shame hit him like a monster on the thunderpath. He’d snapped at his mentor on his way out, and now Puddleshine would be forced to deal with his ungrateful hide immediately after.
As the patrol worked to get him to his paws, all Shadowsight wanted was to disappear.
Shadowsight’s consciousness had become hazy again, anything he did perceive swirled with dizziness.
He must have been dragged stumbling back to camp, because Puddleshine was suddenly in front of him, muffled words of concern indecipherable to his ears. Shadowsight tries to communicate as much, but the sounds must not have come out right as Puddleshine’s expression seemed to tighten.
He vaguely registered being laid to rest in his nest before exhaustion swept him under.
The next thing Shadowsight was aware of was lying down in his nest, the chill of wet moss seeping into his bones from where it was placed on his shoulder. That’s right, he had a fever. He needed to cool down, even if he felt plenty cold already.
Puddleshine was coaxing him to eat some feverfew. His complaint came in the form of a groan, unable to otherwise convey how badly his stomach was twisting.
“I know…” Puddleshine coaxed understandingly. “I’ll look into getting some willow if you really can’t keep it down, but you’re too warm to wait. Please?”
Shadowsight relented, but the feverfew didn’t stay down long. Soon enough, he was vomiting nothing but chewed-up feverfew and bile into his nest. Puddleshine quickly removed the soiled pieces of moss before the smell could exacerbate his nausea further, muttering sympathetic apologies under his breath.
Puddleshine didn’t try again until quite some time later, when he had returned to his nestside with a couple willow leaves, as well as more feverfew.
The herbs were coaxed into his system along with some water, and thankfully, with the willow’s aid, the nausea abated enough for it all to stay down.
In the middle of his delirium, Shadowsight could hear a low discussion mumbled between Puddleshine and Tigerstar.
“…body has been weaker since he was brought home from SkyClan…should have known…”
They sounded worried. Shadowsight didn’t stay awake long enough to figure out why.
The next time Shadowsight came to, he felt more lucid, but only because something felt…off.
He couldn’t quite place the unsettling feeling, but he knew it felt familiar. Dread settled uncomfortably in his chest as he sat up as much as he had the strength to.
“P’ddlesh’ne…” Shadowsight slurred, not sure what was happening but aware that something was very wrong.
It was dark, but Puddleshine was by his side in an instant. “What’s wrong? Are you going to be sick again?”
Shadowsight shook his head, panting with confusion.
“Something doesn’…” Shadowsight doesn’t get to finish before a sudden shiver runs down his spine, different from the chills he’d been feeling before.
Shadowsight didn’t even have time to react to the startling realization that he was about to have a seizure before he lost consciousness.
As he came to once more an undeterminable amount of time later, he could see Puddleshine’s terrified hovering, palpable relief flooding his expression as Shadowsight roused.
Shadowsight hadn’t seized in so long, he’d forgotten how harrowing the experience was. If Shadowsight had felt bad before, the seizure had compounded the feeling; his muscles ached from the strain, and he felt faint. All he wanted was to go back to sleep, but Puddleshine coaxed him to stay awake, pleading: “Not yet, don’t sleep yet, please. Did you see anything? Did you see…?”
Puddleshine couldn’t finish the sentence, but Shadowsight immediately knew what he was asking: if Ashfur had just contacted him again when his spirit was supposed to be destroyed.
Shadowsight forced a haggard ‘no’ past his lips, the only thing he had the strength to communicate. There had been no dreams, no visions. Just…nothingness.
Puddleshine looked exceptionally relieved, letting out a held breath. “Okay. StarClan, okay. You’re okay. You should get some more rest.”
Shadowsight didn’t have to be told twice.
Shadows crept closer to Shadowsight no matter how hard he ran. They clung to him like mud, dragging his paws down and impeding his attempts to flee. His breaths quickened as he panicked, unable to escape the darkness that was drawing him in, eyes locking onto disembodied blue ones as they glared at him through the dark. The shadows locked his limbs in place, climbing up over his legs, his chest, all the way up to his muzzle before closing over his eyes.
Shadowsight woke with a start, a wheezing gasp escaping him. More gasps followed as he struggled to catch his breath, his heart hammering in his chest.
He wanted to run. He was too weak to run. Always too weak to do anything or be anything other than afraid. There was no end to the harrowing experience of surviving where others more deserving didn't.
He didn’t know where he was for a moment, but the approach of Puddleshine swiftly reminded him.
Shadowsight took in how awful his mentor looked; dull and tired eyes, with an slightly rumpled coat. Shadowsight had done that to him, all because he was too stubborn to take proper care of himself. The wave of shame did nothing to help his vain efforts to fill his lungs.
“You’re okay,” was his mentor’s soft promise as he sat beside him, pressing his flank comfortingly against Shadowsight’s own. “Deep breaths. That’s it.”
Shadowsight did his best to slow his breaths and calm down, following as his mentor’s flank rose and fell against his pelt in example. Short gasps transitioned into deeper inhales as the thundering in his chest eased. An uneasy rhythm remained, but at least Shadowsight could think clearly now.
“I’m sorry,” is the first thing Shadowsight says, voice rough but clearer than the hoarse whisper it had been the last few times he’d dared to speak.
“No need to apologize,” Puddleshine instantly soothed, but Shadowsight shook his head in response, turning further away from his mentor’s gaze.
“That’s not true.”
Before Puddleshine could refute him, give Shadowsight reassurances he didn’t deserve, Shadowsight blurted: “I need to get out. I can’t…I need some air. I need air. Please.”
The creeping shadows in the corners of the den was making his pelt prickle with alarm the longer he was conscious, and he felt his chest flutter with the once-again rising anxiety.
Puddleshine was quiet for a moment, before finally responding: “Your fever’s finally broken now, I think. Do you feel up for getting a drink?”
Shadowsight nodded, not even bothering to think about if he actually did feel up for it. Anything to escape the dark.
And, to his relief, his legs held him relatively well, and he only needed to lean on Puddleshine a little bit to make the quiet venture outside of camp to the nearby stream. Shadowsight crouched to lap up the cool water as it softly flowed towards the lake, taking a moment to relish in the relief it offered to his inflamed throat.
When he finished, he didn’t move to return. He couldn’t force himself to be the one to suggest returning to the shadows, and so he didn’t move at all. Puddleshine did nothing but sit steadily beside Shadowsight, taking a drink himself before lifting a paw to groom himself.
Puddleshine, sitting awake long past moonhigh after staying up for hours tending to Shadowsight’s sick, broken and worthless body.
Puddleshine, who had been doing things like this with him since he was a fearful kit haunted by things he didn’t understand.
Puddleshine, who he had yelled at for daring to care for him.
Puddleshine, who shouldn’t care at all.
It felt like a release of pressure, a leak bursting through a beaver’s dam, when Shadowsight suddenly rasped, “I think…something’s wrong with me.”
Puddleshine visibly paused, but said nothing in response. He glanced at Shadowsight with some flavor of surprise in his gaze, seemingly waiting for the other to continue. And, with an uncomfortable swallow, Shadowsight did.
“Ever since it’s been over, I’ve felt so…empty. It’s like he left a hole inside me, and nothing I do can fill it. And part of me wishes I could go back to how things were before Bramblestar got sick, before everything fell apart. Before I lost my connection with him.” Shadowsight let out a humorless laugh, eyes stinging with unshed tears. “At the end of it all, after all the pain and suffering, a part of me still wants him back. Or maybe I just want the pain he left behind to go away, I... I don't know. It doesn’t make any sense. All I want is for things to make sense again. Why doesn’t anything make sense?”
Puddleshine gently swept his tail to brush Shadowsight’s flank. “…Is this what you meant by wanting more control?”
Shadowsight flinched at the reminder of his harsh words, shame washing over. “I didn’t mean any of that. I shouldn’t have said it.”
“But you did. And I can’t blame you for it, when—“
“Well, I can blame me for it!” Shadowsight stressed, his own messy coat standing on end as frustration washed over him anew.
“I know how the Clans feel about me. I see how they look at what Ashfur’s done to me. And nothing I’ve done to try and fix it has done anything, and now nothing will. And because of it, there are cats who’ll never…will never…” Shadowsight faltered, a shuddery breath leaving him before whispering: “Do you know how Bristlefrost really died?”
Puddleshine, who had listened in concerned silence, stiffened in surprise. “All anyone knows is that she sacrificed her life to end Ashfur’s,” he answered in lieu of a ‘yes’ or ‘no.’
“Bristlefrost dragged Ashfur into a pool of dark water," Shadowsight began, swallowing down his nerves about speaking the terrible story into existence. "Something about the water in the dark forest was…wrong. It drained your strength so that you couldn’t escape it, and many of our own almost fell to i
“During the final battle, I passed out, and Ashfur was there in my dreams. He was trying to convince me to join him, while in reality he was dragging my body closer to the water. Bristlefrost used his moment of distraction to drag him down with her instead, and neither of them came back up.”
Suffocating shame swept over Shadowsight’s pelt. “It was supposed to be me. If I had been stronger I could’ve woken up faster, I could‘ve brought him down myself, I could’ve done something.”
“You were hurt before you even went in there, and compromised by something completely out of your control. It’s a wonder you weren’t killed too. There was nothing you could’ve done. You can’t let this consume you, Shadowsight,” Puddleshine rebutted.
The sentence almost perfectly echoed what Spiresight had told him before he’d returned back to his body, and they stung now as much as they had back then.
“How can it not consume me? When after everything I’ve been through, in the end I still couldn’t fix what I broke when I killed Bramblestar!” Shadowsight exclaimed through a ravaged throat, panting with the exertion of it.
Puddleshine didn’t flinch, just continued watching his apprentice with a sickeningly sad expression, before quietly stating: “So that’s what this has all been about. You still blame yourself for what happened.”
Shadowsight flinched, his frustration immediately replaced with an anxious feeling of somehow being caught. He hadn’t meant to say that. He’d wanted…what? Puddleshine to yell back? Probably.
Puddleshine turned back to the water steadily flowing by. “Do you remember the events that led up to Juniperclaw’s death?”
Shadowsight paused, heaving out a couple more breaths, calming down a bit before replying: “…Not much. He’s the one that rescued me from a river as a kit, right?”
The weighty pause that followed told him he was forgetting something important to the story.
“When SkyClan first came to the lake, there was a lot of…discourse. And during that time, you were having visions of drowning. Scared the pelts off of your parents, wondering if their son was seeing premonitions of his own death.”
Memories of being violently thrown around by a rushing current suddenly surfaced; the terror of being surrounded by water and submerged branches, fighting just to grab an extra breath before slipping back under.
“I…I think I remember that. But Puddleshine, what does falling into a river have to do with—“
“You jumped in yourself, Shadowsight. You jumped in, and it was because he told you to do it.” Puddleshine bit out, expression twisting like the words physically hurt him.
A horrific chill settled in Shadowsight’s gut, mouth going dry. Juniperclaw had fought alongside the Clans in the Dark Forest. Why hadn’t he said anything to him? If his death was Shadowsight’s fault, then why would he—?
“Shadowsight, listen to me,” Puddleshine began again, cutting through Shadowsight’s spiral.
“I spent moons after that day begging for StarClan to explain to me why they would put so much pressure on a little one’s shoulders, would convince anyone that young that their life was expendable.
But it was never anyone other than Ashfur, was it?” It wasn’t really a question, Puddleshine’s voice filled with confidence despite its grief-stricken shakiness.
Shadowsight distantly shook his head. He turned his head away from Puddleshine’s intense gaze, to look at his paws, the amount of concern radiating off of his mentor overwhelming. He didn’t deserve any of it.
“Shadowsight, he used you. He tricked you to get what he wanted, and manipulated it to all look like your fault. I guess I didn’t realize that you still thought that too.”
“But shouldn’t I have known?” Shadowsight croaked. “Shouldn’t I have figured out that something was wrong long before it was too late? So much pain and loss, so many cats who died for my mistake, all because I was foolish."
“We were all desperate for answers. Ashfur knew that, and took advantage of it. This would have happened even if it had come from someone else. Shadowsight, look at me,” Puddleshine coaxed.
Unable to deny his mentor, he lifted his head. His jaw was tight against the lump in his throat threatening to rise, fighting back the rebellious tears that so desperately were trying to surface.
“In the many moons I’ve known you, not once have you been one to leave something half-done if you could do anything about it. You did everything you could. Even when no one wanted to believe you, even when it almost killed you.”
Puddleshine’s tail gently brushed against the multitude of scars that marred his flank, and his gaze flicked upwards towards the torn ear that would forever droop. Permanent proof of what Ashfur had done to him the first time he had tried to fix what he’d broken. Shadowsight hated them and what they stood for, but Puddleshine’s gaze was filled with nothing but grief and care.
“You did good. I promise you that you did. You can put this weight down now.”
Something in Shadowsight snapped, in a different way this time, as the tears finally broke free. Puddleshine didn’t let more than one sob leave his maw before he was coming forward to nuzzle his shoulder. Shadowsight buried his face in Puddleshine’s.
“I don’t know how, Puddleshine,” Shadowsight ached through the sudden hysterics. “He left so much pain when he left. It’s everywhere I look, it’s inside me. I couldn’t fix anything I broke, and I don’t know how to live with it.”
I should have stayed in the Dark Forest that day, he wasn’t brave enough to say.
He was so, so scared. He felt like his stomach had been flayed open, vulnerable and exposed. He felt like he was being swept through that violent river again, like the next time he slipped under he’d never be able to surface for air.
“That’s okay. I’ll be here until you do,” came the steady response, a comforting purr beginning to rumble in the other’s chest.
But his mentor was there. Puddleshine was there to help him stay afloat until he could swim again.
Shadowsight was barely able to eke out a “thank you” through the harsh sobs.
Nothing was okay. He didn’t know when he would be okay again. But maybe, if he held onto something stable for long enough, he could let go and finally start living the life Bristlefrost and the countless other ghosts that haunted him had died to let him have.