Chapter Text
~About A Week Ago~
Snap, shoot, web, swing…
Snap, shoot, web, swing… Don’t think about her.
Snap, shoot, web, swing… Don’t think about the way she clung to you for dear life - just the way she used to.
Snap, shoot, web, swing… Don’t think about how she was trying hard not to show her fear. How she was trying desperately not to show it. But her heart raced. You could feel it.
Snap, shoot, web, swing… Don’t think about how good it felt to hold her again. Her warmth against you. Her arms around your neck. Her legs wrapped around your waist.
Definitely don’t think about that.
Snap, shoot, web, swing… Don’t think about what hurts worse - the taunting darkness of Jean or the emptiness of the real MJ saying she didn’t love you.
How could she love you? She didn’t even know you.
Snap, shoot, web, swing… Don’t think about her trying not to look at you. She could see your eyes through the mask. She could see you trying not to look at her. Trying to focus. Focus on anything else.
Snap, shoot, web, swing… Don’t think about her boyfriend, or that it was your stupid fault that all of this had happened, or the fact that since she had been back in your life, you’ve felt more alive in the past few hours than in the last four years.
Snap, shoot, web, swing… Don’t think about the possibility of this being the last time. Or that the only thing you have left were the memories. Your memories. Only your memories.
Snap, shoot, web, swing… Don’t think about-
Snap, shoot, web, swing… Don’t think-
Snap, shoot, web, swing… Don’t-
Snap, shoot, web, swing…
***
MJ stood rigidly at the counter, waiting for an uncaring receptionist to notice she was there. There wasn’t a reason for her to be there. Not really. She clutched her notebook to her chest, a shield between her and the judging, tired woman who looked as though she had heard it all day and just wanted to leave. MJ got it. She did. And maybe there was a part of her that hoped the woman would turn her away. Because it was a stupid notion -- going to see someone she didn’t know.
That she didn’t remember.
Apparently, she did know him. In a previous life.
It was an insane concept but so were giant monsters who came from the sky and the fact that half of life just ceased to exist for five years. And no one carries around a letter like that for years just to pull a prank on you.
He knew her. He loved her.
And she felt… nothing. Nothing, except that as much as she enjoyed her time at college she always felt like something was off? That when she thought back to her time in high school everything felt fuzzy; distorted, as if she were looking at her memories through murky water. There were gaps. And, god, did she hate that there were gaps.
“Um…” She cleared her throat and turned her head high with confidence, because what was going to come out of her mouth was going to sound ridiculous. “I’m here to see Spider-Man.”
The receptionist, a woman in her fifties with dyed blonde hair, looked over her glasses and gave a rough laugh. “Of course you are, sweetie. You’re all here to see Spider-Man.”
The woman gave a nod to the window where a legion of Spider-Man fans crowded together in a sea of red and blue in the parking lot. MJ had spent an hour in line just to get to the counter, no doubt because of the sheer amount of people who were trying to figure out who he was. The crowd outside, at least, were rather pleasant as they waited for an update. Young and old all gathered for the superhero whom they loved. The entire city loved Spider-Man. That was clear. Loved him dearly.
Everyone loved Spider-Man. Except her.
That wasn’t not completely true. Spider-Man had saved her life on a few occasions. She did have a fondness for him -- especially with Ned’s hero-worship obsession a daily fixture in her life. She liked Spider-Man just fine.
She did not, however, love Peter Parker. But if that letter was accurate, neither did anyone else. What a cold thought.
The receptionist raised her eyebrows, a clear sign that it was her turn to leave. MJ stood her ground. She had to see him. She had to because there was a nagging thought at the back of her head that maybe, just maybe seeing him would clear things up for her. That she could put to rest all the conflicting feelings she had.
She couldn’t believe she was going to try this tactic, but who was it going to hurt to try? Besides, was it really a lie? “Well, I’m, uh, I’m Spider-Man’s…” God, just say it. “I’m his…” Girlfriend? Partner? Fuck, she couldn’t believe she was trying this. “Person.”
The receptionist just stared at her blankly for a moment before taking an uninterested sip of her coffee. “Yeah, well, you may want to get in line because in the past hour I’ve had a cute, little blonde number claiming to be his ex and a sassy redhead claiming to be his wife. You all have been a dime a dozen this past week and yet I doubt you even know what his name is. Hell, I don’t even know what his name is. Next!”
It’s Peter… Peter. Parker. She wanted to scream it. She knew better.
MJ clenched her jaw trying to think of some other way around it. Thankfully she didn’t have to.
“The girl ain’t lying,” came a gruff voice. A tired and grizzled Frank Castle, dressed fully in his Punisher costuming, approached the counter. He gave a scowl at the receptionist.
The woman knew better than to pick a fight with The Punisher and waved her hand dismissively. “She stays with you,” she called out as they left the counter. “If there’s any shenanigans…”
“There won’t be!” Frank called out.
MJ followed him silently down the hall.
There was another guard waiting at the entrance of Peter’s room. He and Frank exchanged looks, Frank nodding assurance that she could be there. The guard stepped aside, allowing them into the hospital room.
The room was massive, easily containing three patients if necessary. It was lively as well, much brighter than other hospital rooms she had been in, not that she had experienced many. The walls were a gentle blue, the shades were up, letting in the warm glow of the afternoon sun, pleasant pictures of boats hung on the wall, and there was an entire countertop full of gifts and cards, balloons and drawings all wishing Spider-Man a speedy recovery.
She placed her notepad among the cards, propping it up so that it displayed the happy drawing of Ned and Peter having fun together. Positive energy wasn’t usually her forte but in this case, she felt any good she could offer was better than nothing.
She then turned towards the bed in the middle of the room. Peter wasn’t in his costume, just the white, linen robe they gave everyone. The mask and gloves hung off the side of the bed, but the suit was nowhere to be seen. It was probably damaged. They probably had to cut him out of it. God…
She grabbed his chart from the holder at the end of the bed and quickly scanned through it. The media had run that he had been shot but looking through the medical record… holy fuck, how was he still alive? She put the chart back, then stood silently at the end of the bed, watching his measured breathing.
“Has he woken up?”
Frank shook his head. “Nope. Not yet anyway.”
MJ frowned, troubled that Frank was treating this so casually. Did he know something she didn’t?
Frank looked her over as she continued to watch Peter breathe. “So, you really are his girl, huh?”
“I am no one’s possession.”
“That’s not a denial, though,” Frank gave her a smirk. “And he claimed he didn’t even know you.”
“I don’t know him,” she corrected.
“Bah,” Frank waved a dismissive hand at her. “Then why are you here?”
MJ didn’t answer him. She didn’t know where to begin.
Frank took pity on her and didn’t press the issue further. “I’ll give you a minute, k?”
After Frank left, MJ came around the bed and sat gently on the edge of it and continued to watch. There was no superhero here. No man in a mask. No mythological figure that an entire city looked up to. Just a guy. Just a guy named Peter Parker. A guy that she didn’t know.
She watched him breathe, slowly, intently. She didn’t know what she had expected. It wasn’t like the mere sight of him would suddenly make all lost memories suddenly return. It wasn’t like she would magically regain some kind of feeling that was supposedly once there. There was nothing there. No memories. Just emptiness.
She studied his face for a long moment. There was color in his cheeks; no bruises, minimal cuts. His body was at least healing, so that was a good sign. He looked peaceful, as if he were only sleeping and not nearly at death’s door.
It felt surreal, in a way. Another version of her loved him. Or so he claims… the deeply skeptical part of her brain kept saying. But she believed it. She didn’t know why she so readily believed it, but after everything that had happened, she did.
She tilted her head, a slight grin twitching to her lips. A single curl of hair had fallen over his forehead and she couldn’t help but be charmed by it. He was cute. She would give him that. There’s no doubt that he would have caught the eye of a younger version of herself. As much as she probably would have begrudgingly admitted it, she knew herself well enough to recognize that.
How long ago would that have been? How far back is her memory gone? The tiny bit of anger that had been simmering since she read the letter began to bubble up. How long were they together? How much of her life had been entwined with his? How intimate were they? How many of her secrets did he know?
For so long it had felt like something was missing from her life, that she felt somehow incomplete. And, it was so goddamn frustrating that he has that part of her but she’ll never be able to have that part back for herself. God, fuck, why? She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to force the irritation out.
She no longer had a part of herself, but at least the world was safe, right? Is that how it worked?
She ghosted a hand over his. A hand that had undoubtedly touched her before. A hand she didn’t know. How fucking unfair was all of this?
This wasn’t some fairy tale. She wasn’t going to magically remember by some miracle. Or worse -- by some sickening sentimental grand gesture. There were no romantic speeches in her future that would undo all of this. She would be happy to leave all of that in the children’s stories. There was only the biting reality of a tragedy she didn’t know or understand.
A dark part of her wondered what would happen if he didn’t make it. A part of herself would go with him, she supposed. But she shook her head, ridding herself of the awful thought. He can’t go. He can’t. The crowd standing outside needed him. Ned needed him. And if she was being honest with herself -- truly honest, she needed him, too.
A warmth stirred in her heart. “You need to wake up, Peter,” she pleaded softly. “You need to come back because you and I? We have a lot to talk about.”
***
MJ lay on her side, one elbow propped up on her pillow as she stared out the window. It was night, and the only thing she could see was the glow of the street lamp from down below and the big droplets of rain that pounded at the window. There had always been something comforting about the rain, peaceful in a way. She enjoyed the sound of it, calming as it was. It helped her focus. Focus when her mind kept wandering…
“Hey,” Her boyfriend, Adam, was curled behind her, gently playing with the end of her hair. “Where you at, MJ?”
It felt weird -- him being in New York.
In Boston, she stayed at his place. Two years of being together, and his place was easier. It had been a refuge during college, a place she could escape to when she needed somewhere else to go. But it also kept their relationship firmly in his world. Her own home, her home that she created with Ned, was sacred. A place where she could fully be herself. Adam had never pressed her about it back in Boston. Never needed to -- she had spent so many nights at his place it might have been her apartment, too.
Being back in New York, something had shifted. She hadn’t been sure about the move at first. But after Ned got his job, he had pleaded with her to come back with him. The decision wasn’t as hard as she worried it might have been. And the fact that it wasn’t a hard decision made her wonder…
Adam had been down a few times since they moved back, but much less than she had expected. His own job kept him from visiting. Still, they kept in touch every day and even long distance, it didn’t feel like that much had changed.
But Boston wasn’t New York. New York was her home. The minute she and Ned had come back she felt almost a sense of relief? Going off to college, she couldn’t wait to leave, start fresh somewhere new, be somewhere where people didn’t know her. She never thought she’d feel more comfortable coming back. It was almost as if the city missed her as much as she missed the city.
“Hey…” Adam whispered in her ear, moving closer to give a long kiss onto her shoulder. “You seem so far away tonight.”
She didn’t say anything, only turned to lie on her back and face him. She reached up, stroking a hand through his hair. The evening had been nice -- he treated her to a movie and dinner and then they came home for sex and dessert. It was fun, it was normal. It was as they’ve always been. Then why does it feel… off?
“MJ…” Adam kissed along her neck, up to her lips. “Where are you?”
“Mmmm,” she grinned as she sank into the kiss. “Well, currently, I’m on a giant speeding rock, that orbits a hot ball of gas that’s shooting through Orion’s arm on the way around the Milky Way, hanging out in our corner of the Virgo Supercluster and keeping calm as we are just but a speck of dust in the Laniakea Supercluster.”
“Hilarious.” Adam kissed her forehead then fell back to the bed with an eye roll. Usually he rolled with her humor, but tonight he wasn’t as amused.
She gave him a smirk, then turned back towards the window.
“You know, sarcastic humor is a sign of avoidance,” Adam said to the ceiling.
“Or maybe I just want to be a comedian," MJ joked back.
Adam didn’t reply but stared at her back for a long moment. There had been something on his mind all night, she could tell. “Ned told me something interesting.”
“Just one thing?” MJ snorted, an attempt to keep it light.
“Something about Spider-Man saving your life the other day?”
MJ hurriedly turned to face him. Oh, yeah, that. She had neglected to tell him about that. She wondered when Ned would have told him that or why…
She hadn’t told Adam a single thing about Spider-Man, or about Peter, about her visit to the hospital or the letter. There were many reasons she hadn’t said anything. She had made a promise that she wouldn’t say anything about his identity to anyone, and it was a promise she planned on keeping. She made a mental note to remind Ned they would have to have some things that stay between them.
Besides, she didn’t want or need Adam to pick a needless fight with Spider-Man. There was no way that would end well.
“Oh, that was…” MJ gave a shrug, trying to play it cool. “Ned probably made it sound crazier than it actually was. It was nothing.”
Adam narrowed his eyes, but what he said next was unexpected. “Why do you think Spider-Man was taking the subway? Isn’t he always swinging around the city? Wouldn’t that negate having to use public transportation?”
MJ let out a heavy breath. “Maybe he was tracking a bad guy or something? Or he was helping an old lady get to her train? Or he ran out of that webbing stuff. I can think of, like, a dozen reasons as to why he’d be down there.”
Adam didn’t look convinced. “I just think it’s interesting, you know? How many times did he save your life in high school? And then you’re back in the city for not that long and he’s already coming to your rescue? Doesn’t that seem a little… fishy?”
Her stomach twisted but she did her best not to show it. “Pretty sure coincidences are just coincidences and you know how clumsy I am, always tripping over my big feet.”
He wasn’t buying it. “You don’t believe in coincidences. And you’ve never been clumsy.”
“So, what, you think Spider-Man is following me around the city or something?”
“I don’t know, maybe he has a crush on you.”
A month ago, she would have laughed in his face at the remark. Now she could only grimace. “He’s saved Ned’s life, too! Maybe he has a crush on Ned. We don’t know him.”
“So, uh, what was he like?” Adam was trying to play it cool but MJ could tell he was genuinely interested. Of course, what guy their age wasn’t at least a little curious about meeting Spider-Man.
“Ned totally fangirled,” MJ said. No need to draw any more suspicion. “I think he achieved his life purpose. It was truly adorable in that way that only Ned can achieve. He asked Spider-Man all these questions about, I don’t know, web fluid and shit. And then they recited half of Lord of the Rings while building Star Wars legos. It was full on nerdom at its highest level.”
Adam gave a genuine laugh. “Sounds like Ned might get himself a new best friend if you aren’t careful.”
MJ’s face dropped a little. “Yeah, maybe…”
Adam watched her for a moment, searching her face for answers to unspoken questions but knew her well enough not to bother asking. Part of her wished that he would. Instead he played with a string on the sheet. “Maybe I should just move to New York -- then maybe I could be best friends with Spider-Man.”
It was MJ’s turn to pull away. The comment was less than subtle and led back to a conversation MJ kept avoiding. “You know I’m never going to ask you to move here for me. You can’t give up your life in Boston to come here. You have your family, your job…”
“Boston isn’t that far away, my family will be fine,” Adam assured her. “And my job is transferable.”
“And then there’s Ned--”
“Ned’s a big boy who can take care of himself. Besides, he has Spider-Man as a friend now. I’m sure he’ll be fine without you.”
Adam didn’t get it. He could never really get it. “Ned’s my family.”
“And I am…?”
The question lingered heavily in the air.
“MJ…” Adam pulled himself over her, forcing her to look into his eyes. “I love you,” he said, tracing a finger down her cheek. “You know that I want a future with you in it.”
She didn’t know how to respond. She liked him, cared for him, valued him so much. She truly did. He was good and kind and the past two years had been easier with him in it. But there was still this wall between them. Still something holding her back. Why couldn’t she let him in? Why couldn’t she allow him fully into her world? He may have recently begun to use the word love in correlation with her, but she couldn’t bring herself to say it back. Three simple words, and she couldn’t allow herself to say them.
“Adam, you know I need to find a job first,” she deflected. “I’ve told you, I have to get my own life in order before I can…”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah…” He held his disappointment well, but MJ could still sense it.
She cupped his face. “Hey, it’s been a lovely evening. Can’t we just enjoy the moment? Enjoy being us? Why do we need to live in the future?”
She drew him down for a kiss -- and Adam let it go, like he always did.
***
The next morning, MJ woke up to find Adam in the kitchen, making French toast and brewing coffee. The sun was shining happily, the storms of last night having long passed. Adam whistled while he flipped the bread, grinning broadly when he saw her enter the kitchen. “Morning, sleepy.”
She shuffled to the barstool in front of the counter and slid on, resting her head on her hands, grumbling that it was still too early to be awake on a Sunday morning.
He laughed easily and flipped two pieces of French toast onto a plate, drizzled it with a little powdered sugar and slid it her way. He then grabbed a mug off the tree stand and poured her coffee. “A beautiful breakfast for my beautiful girlfriend on this beautiful morning.”
She gave him a disgusted look as she sipped the coffee. “I should break up with you for that comment.” It was a tease and Adam was well aware of it. He was overly sappy at times but deep down she enjoyed it. They did have fun together. Why was she always overthinking their relationship?
“Mmm, then who would cook for you?”
“Look, I can live on coffee.”
Adam was quiet for a moment as he turned off the burner of the stove and wiped a hand on one of the towels hanging from the oven. “I was thinking about our conversation last night.”
MJ groaned into her coffee. “Adam, it’s too early…”
“It’s not what you think.” He came around the island to sit on the stool next to her. “I was just wondering, we never discussed you getting a job. Ned is concerned that you haven’t been to any interviews lately. And if I’m being honest, I am, too.”
“You guys worry about me too much,” MJ said, shrugging her shoulders. The worst part about moving back had been the job hunting. The problem was how to find a job without losing your soul in the process. “I think capitalism is a joke and I think jobs are a way to keep us chained to society’s expectations.”
“Well, if that’s the case, you may have to consider homelessness, because I don’t think Ned can keep you guys afloat on his own.” Adam’s tone was far more serious than she’d like it to be. This wasn’t the first time they’ve had this conversation nor did she enjoy what felt like a scolding.
“Maybe homelessness would be an option for you,” she said, poking him in the chest. She looked up to him, retaining the playfulness in her voice. “I can always marry rich and, like, kill the dude off if he ends up being a bore.”
“Oh, is that how it works?” Adam said. He stood, leaning over her slightly, taking her lead in keeping things light and flirty. He puts his hands on her waist. “In order to get you to marry me, I just have to be rich.”
“Filthy.” MJ said, biting her lip. “I am a high maintenance kinda gal.”
“Well then, let me rob a few banks…” Adam bent down and kissed her.
MJ let herself get lost in the kiss, enough so that she didn’t hear the front door open. She did register Ned’s voice chatting away, and figured he was on the phone. It wasn’t the first time he had walked in on MJ with Adam.
Someone who wasn’t Ned cleared their throat.
Peter Parker walked into their apartment with the most forced, almost painful looking smile on his face. MJ pushed Adam away. There was no reason to feel embarrassed. None at all. She was annoyed at herself for the flickering sense of guilt.
“MJ!” Ned cried, thankfully still blissfully ignorant of the situation. “Nice to see you and Adam have finally made it out of the bedroom.”
She could have throttled him. Ned, why do you always have to make it so fucking awkward?
“Ned, my man,” Adam called out, leaving MJ’s side to clap hands with Ned.
“MJ, look who I bumped into downstairs,” Ned said, throwing a nod to Peter, delighted with himself.
She spared Peter a quick glance, but the intensity of his gaze caused her to look away. She didn’t know if she was up for this. Whatever it was. “Oh, yeah, our neighbor--”
“Maynard,” Peter said quickly. He held out his hand to Adam to shake. “Maynard, uh, Peters.”
Ned looked at him confused, but MJ understood. Secret identities and all that.
If Adam sensed anything was off, he didn’t show it, and shook Peter’s hand with ease. “Oh, yeah, you were at the party, weren’t you?”
“Yeah, yeah, the party,” Peter said, quietly. Peter continued to shake Adam’s hand for far too long, and for a tense moment, MJ worried that something might happen. Nothing did. Peter let Adam’s hand go, leaving them all to stand around, unsure for a moment.
The awkwardness was broken by Ned, who began chattering away about some kind of video game hybrid he had spliced together and had been eager to tell Adam about. Ned motioned Adam to follow him to show it off, and Adam threw MJ a helpless look as he followed Ned, more willingly than he’d ever admit, to check it out. She gave a warm smile as she watched him go, forgetting, for a split second, that she was now alone with Peter.
Peter stood there, frozen in place for a moment, as if debating whether or not to follow Ned. Debating whether or not he should talk with her. What was it he had to say?
“Hey,” MJ offered.
Peter visibly relaxed at the sound of her voice. “Hey.”
He came to join her at the island. She hadn’t seen him since the hospital. She had heard he had gotten out, the news had exploded when it was reported that Spider-Man was up and about in the city again, but he had kept a low profile. Based on how beat up he looked, she didn’t blame him. He must have been still healing. Everyone needed rest. Even Spider-Man, she supposed. She allowed herself to meet his eye again. She’d be lying if she didn’t feel a little relief that he was okay.
There was a lot she wanted to say, a lot to ask, but didn’t know how to start. The sound of Adam laughing with Ned across the apartment was probably a sign that whatever she needed to address, now probably wasn’t the best time. Peter said nothing at all. He wouldn’t look at her. Maybe he couldn’t. There was something about him that just felt so sad.
MJ reached behind her, grabbing her coffee mug, the warmth in her hands giving her something to focus on. “Would you like any?” she offered Peter. “There’s still half a pot.”
He shook his head wordlessly.
She sipped her coffee.
He looked down to his shoes for a moment, hands in his pockets as he shuffled restlessly from side to side. “Do you still take it black?”
She eyed him curiously. “What?”
“Your coffee,” he nodded to the mug. “You always used to say that if you started your morning on a bitter note, the rest of the day couldn’t be much worse.”
She stared at him, stunned. She did used to say that. Or at least the old her. That girl she used to be back in high school when she was lonely and the world felt so isolating. “No,” she tried to brush it off. “No, I prefer to sweeten my mornings. I add a little cream and caramel now.”
“No, you don’t.” His reply was quick, accompanied by a little smirk, as if he was well aware that she was lying. Her stomach twisted a little. It was unnerving that he could tell. “Frank said you came to visit while I was in the hospital. Thank you.”
She gave a half shrug. “Yeah, I mean, I, uh, wanted to make sure you were okay. Wanted to let you know that you weren’t alone.”
“Really?” His dark eyes searched for an answer she couldn’t give.
“Yeah, of course. Besides, the city needs you.”
“Just the city?” The hopefulness in his voice killed her.
“Peter, I--”
“Ned invited me up,” Peter changed the subject quickly. “In case you were concerned.”
“Nope.” MJ took another long sip of her coffee. “No concern.”
“Okay, good. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“You’re not making me uncomfortable.”
“I’m not?”
“No.”
She wished she knew what to say. She wished she knew how to make this situation less bizarre. Wished that he was just one of Ned’s new friends that she was getting to know and not someone who came with an entire history of herself that she didn’t know. Wished that he wasn’t some super powered ex-boyfriend that she didn’t even know she had. Wished that he wasn’t so charmingly kind about all of it.
Wished that they were alone so that she could ask all the questions she had.
“That’s a lovely necklace,” Peter said - pulling her from her thoughts.
“Oh, this?” Her hand instinctively flew to it. She had worn so long that she often forgot she had it on.
“Yeah,” He reached out to inspect it, brushing her fingers as he took it in his hand. “Your boyfriend give it to you?”
“No, I got it back in high school,” she replied, not sure if she liked how close he was. “A souvenir from some trip, but I don’t really…” Remember… Her voice trailed off as she realized what she was saying.
She clasped the necklace back again. You gave this to me, didn’t you? She didn’t need to even ask. The return of his intense gaze was all the answer she needed. Her mind swirled with the implication. She wanted to tear the necklace off, give it back to him, and send him on his way. But it was hers. It was a part of her. She didn’t want to give it up.
He didn’t press any further questions and had enough sense to take a step back. “It really is beautiful,” he said simply. “I’m glad you kept it.”
The conversation ended as awkwardly as it had started. When Ned called out for Peter, Peter left without another glance. MJ sat on her stool, sipping her coffee, deep in thought for a long while.
Her life was about to get way more complicated, wasn’t it?