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“Is that a stalker binder?”
Neil slammed his binder shut. “Learn how to fucking knock, Kevin.”
Kevin stared at him, and then at the now-closed binder. “Seriously? You’re telling me that as you hold a stalker binder of me right in front of my face?” His voice was distinctly unimpressed.
Neil rolled his eyes. “It’s not a stalker binder, you big baby,” he said.
“I would hope not,” Kevin sniffed, “or I wouldn’t be your friend anymore. It was subpar, at best.”
Neil gave him a sideways glance. “Are you going to grade my accuracy, or attention to detail next?” he asked dryly.
“Neither. Worse. I’ll make a rubric.”
Neil made an offended noise. “Yeah, problem solved. Not obsessed with you anymore. Not that I ever was,” his belated cover up was admirable, but lame.
Kevin narrowed his eyes at him. Sometimes it made him look haughty. Right then and there, it made him look like he needed glasses. Neil magnanimously pointed it out. Kevin immediately switched to glaring at him. Effective usually, but Neil was immune at that point.
“We’re doing something today.” Kevin declared.
“Don’t we do something every day?” Neil asked, but didn’t sound particularly concerned.
Kevin scoffed. “We’re getting rid of your weird obsession with me,” he said.
“I do not have a weird obsession with you!”
“Do too!”
“I will not play this game with you, Kevin.”
“Will too.”
“Ridiculous,” Neil huffed.
“I know you are but what am I?” Kevin retorted immediately.
Neil stared at him, nonplussed.
Kevin sighed dramatically when he realized why. “You had a sad, sad childhood Josten.”
Neil threw his hands up in the air. “Fine, have it your way! Rid me of this obsession and my life is yours.”
“Seems rather paradoxical,” Kevin commented as they left Neil’s room. “We’re going to Sweetie’s,” he said.
“We always do,” Neil told him. “Nothing special about that.”
“We’ll find something.” Kevin’s voice wasn’t a statement as much as it was an oracle.
Neil snorted, but didn’t say anything. It took them twenty minutes to get there, sweaty because Neil decided it would be funny to challenge Kevin to a race midway through. It ended in a barely mitigated disaster, but Neil was right. It was funny.
They slid into a booth, and they both ordered some kind of berry-yogurt-oat combination. Matt Boyd got there before their food did. Kevin and Neil immediately made faces to each other.
“Hey guys, what’re you up to? I never see you around here,” Matt said brightly. Too brightly.
“Nothing much,” Kevin said loftily. “Looking through—newspapers.”
Neil glanced up from his newspaper, which he’d grabbed from the entrance out of sheer boredom, and gave him an unimpressed look. He never really understood Kevin’s dislike for Matt. Whenever he asked, Kevin would give him a sour look and not answer. Something about playing that one game Kevin made up and fighting too much about the rules of it, Neil wasn’t sure.
Kevin stared at him. Neil sighed, then waved his hand halfheartedly at his newspaper. “Looking at… the personals. It’s very interesting.”
“That’s cool,” Matt said. “What does it say?”
Neil opened his mouth, but Kevin interrupted him. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”
Matt blinked, then looked at his watch. “Shit, I have a date with Dan in twenty. Sorry guys, let’s catch up later!”
He left faster than Neil knew he could run. Huh. Maybe that was why Kevin was so pissed, because he tried recruiting Matt onto the track team and failed. From what Neil gathered, Matt was quite happy playing soccer.
Kevin scrunched his nose. “As if.”
Neil was noncommittal. He glanced back down at the personals section Matt had asked him about.
“Any interesting ones?” Kevin asked, for lack of anything else.
Neil hummed, then suddenly sat up. “Oh, this one I guess. By some guy named Aaron. ‘Do you remember me? I was wearing a green cardigan and blond, you a yellow sundress and ginger. We reached for the same carton of eggs at the grocery store. I feel like we had a moment as we locked eyes, but I was too nervous to talk to you.’ Then he gives out his phone number. What a loser."
Kevin snorted. “Loser,” he agreed. Then: “We should call him.”
Neil looked up. Kevin shrugged. “Pretend to be the ginger lady. You have auburn hair, close enough.”
Neil rolled his eyes. “And how am I supposed to fake a woman’s voice?”
Kevin raised an eyebrow. “You’re telling me your whackjob of a mother didn’t teach you how to do that?”
Neil frowned. “Don’t call my mother a whackjob.”
“Wasn’t she?”
Neil was silent.
“Anyway, she’s dead now so it doesn’t really matter,” Kevin said.
Neil thought about it, then shrugged. “Let’s call the number then.”
“It’s going to voicemail,” Neil said.
“No shit,” Kevin huffed. “I’m not deaf. Okay, then leave a message.”
Neil shushed him, just because he could, and then cleared his throat. When the phone beeped, he said, “Hey, it’s me. From the grocery store? I saw your column. I thought it was sweet. Meet me at—near Sweetie’s, near 5th Avenue on Friday at 9pm. By the bridge, on one of the benches. Oh, and wear your green cardigan.”
He hung up the phone and turned around. Kevin was staring at him. “What?” Neil asked.
“You,” Kevin started, “are oddly good at that.”
Neil shrugged.
“You,” Kevin continued, “also want to get us killed. Friday at night? Are you crazy? That’s the set up for every horror movie!”
Neil scowled. “Then you should’ve done it, your majesty,” he intoned.
“Well it’s too late now!”
“No shit,” Neil deadpanned. “Should we call again?”
“Are you insane? No, we shouldn’t—”
“I’m calling again.”
“If he didn’t answer the first time, why the fuck would he answer the—”
The phone clicked.
“What,” a mildly irritated voice said.
Kevin shut his mouth so fast his jaw made a noise. Neil stared at him blankly while saying, “Is this—Aaron?”
The voice didn’t answer.
Neil waited for a response, but Kevin kept signaling him with his eyes, so Neil eventually said, “This is—the ginger from the grocery store? You posted a column about me.”
Silence.
Kevin was gesturing with his hands now. Neil was glaring daggers at him.
“I was thinking we could meet up by the Sweetie’s on fifth,” he persisted valiantly. “Near the bridge. On a bench. Friday at 9pm.”
Kevin was motioning across his neck. Neil flipped him off.
“Fine,” Aaron eventually said before hanging up. Neil stared at his phone in mild offense. “Asshole.”
“Are you fucking insane!” Kevin exploded.
Neil rolled his eyes and hopped off the couch. “Careful or you’ll start blowing steam from your head next.”
Kevin jabbed a finger in his direction and shouted, “Do you have a death wish or what? I told you not to call him! And you didn’t even change the time or place! Neil Abram Josten, you are so in trouble!”
“I’m so scared,” Neil said flatly. He pointed to his blank expression. “This is my scared face. Are you gonna snitch to your dad?”
Kevin stomped his foot like the petulant child he was, and said, “When you die, I am going to tell the cops it was entirely of your own doing.”
Neil scoffed as he raided Kevin’s fridge. There was nothing particularly appetizing in there, but that was to be expected of a jock. “You say that as if you’re not coming with.”
“Because I’m not.”
When Neil turned around, Kevin was standing with his arms crossed. “I’m not,” he insisted.
“This was your idea,” Neil reminded him.
“So?” The jackass responded.
“Whatever,” Neil said, lifting a shoulder. “But when I get killed in a crime of passion, the press is going to be hounding our coach, your dad. And the rest of the team too, for statements. I thought we didn’t need any more bad press—but, your call.”
Neil watched distantly as Kevin threw his hands up like he had been thoroughly outplayed, and bit back a laugh.
“Don’t look behind you, but I think that couple near the window are satanists,” was the first thing Kevin said when Neil sat down.
They were at Sweetie’s again. Kevin was drawing something on a notebook that was vaguely reminiscent of a soccer court, but with plexiglass walls and lacrosse gear on the sides.
Neil rolled his eyes and grabbed the salt near him. He dumped it on the table and played with it as he asked, “How do you know?”
“Well,” Kevin said, “I think I would know what cult members look like.”
Neil turned his head around, as he corrected half-heartedly, “Satanists aren’t always cult members, Kevin. Be a little more open-minded.”
He got a punch in the arm for his troubles. “Don’t stare so obviously!” Kevin hissed.
Neil waved a hand in his general direction. He continued looking for a few seconds more. One of the men was darker, with a laugh that echoed and a necklace that was tucked neatly into his shirt. He was not exactly slender, but Neil thought he could take him in a fight if the situation arose.
The other man was taller and paler, with hair that sat primly on his head and eyes that looked only at his partner. Neil guessed his best bet was running in case he ever provoked him. They both wore an all black ensemble and held a black umbrella between them. They looked sickeningly in love.
Neil finally turned back around and sat properly. “They’re definitely satanists,” he said decisively.
“Told you,” Kevin held his head in the air smugly.
Neil made a fox paw with the salt and opened his mouth to reply, when Kevin said, “Shit, shit! They’re leaving.”
Neil raised his head and said, “Should we follow them?”
Kevin tracked them with his eyes for a second. Then, he shrugged and stood up. Neil trailed after him, and they followed the satanists around for some minutes before they lost them. Neil thought he heard the tall one call the other something like Nick, but he wasn’t sure and didn’t really care.
“How boring,” Kevin commented, pedantically.
“Did you think they were gonna go around doing their satanic rituals out in broad daylight?” Neil asked, stepping on a crooked crack on the sidewalk.
“No,” Kevin said with an undignified pout, “but I thought they’d be more interesting.”
“You find history textbooks and made-up sports interesting, Kevin. Your standards are a little skewed.”
Neil dodged the spiny elbow coming his way and almost slipped on a pair of pants on the concrete floor. Kevin laughed at him for a long time, but Neil ignored him. He stared down at the pants and said thoughtfully, “Huh. We’re close."
“Close to what?” Kevin asked, but Neil didn’t answer.
“Let’s go,” he said instead, bypassing the man that always sat at the bus stop.
Kevin’s eyes lingered on him though. He said, “I wonder if he’s totally insane or if he thinks that the bus is coming.”
Neil stopped walking. He turned to look at Kevin, but Kevin didn’t look back. After a moment, he said, “Let’s find out.”
Before Kevin could react, Neil had already walked over, and leaned over the wooden bench to ask, “Hey. What’s your name?”
The man didn’t turn. He shifted in his seat minutely, and after a long stretch of silence, said: “Jean.”
“Are you waiting for the bus?” Neil asked.
“Yes,” Jean answered curtly.
Neil thought about it for half a second and decided to be frank. “The bus line was cancelled two years ago, there are no more buses on this street.”
Jean didn’t bat an eyelid. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, derision coloring his tone.
Neil stared at him for approximately five more seconds before giving up. He shrugged and walked away. He told Kevin, who tracked his return with an eagle’s eye, “Totally insane.”
They continued going on their way and made it to Exites in less time than usual. Kevin scowled when he saw the grocery store. “This is what you were saying we were close to?” He started, but Neil ignored his complaints and went inside.
The first thing he heard was, “I’m telling you, carpet beetles are the only way to get flesh off a corpse. The whole boiling thing is bullshit.”
He glanced over briefly to see it was someone with fire red hair and then retracted his eyes. He went directly up to the front counter, Kevin trailing behind him, and said, “I need your car.”
Dan stared back, nonplussed. “Excuse me?”
“I need your car,” Neil repeated patiently. Dan was on the track team with them, but she was their captain. For distance, anyway. Her scholarship was enough to cover her tuition, but she still needed to pay for housing and some, so she got herself a part-time job that was flexible enough to match her schedule. She was also one of the only people Neil knew to have a car.
Dan looked wary. “What for?”
Neil turned to look at Kevin. Kevin stared back.
Neil sighed, and then faced Dan again. He said, “We’re going to meet Aaron.”
“Is that supposed to ring a bell?” Dan asked exasperatedly.
“He’s someone from a column in a newspaper,” Neil explained rather reluctantly.
“And you’re meeting him because…?”
“We’re pretending to be a woman he’s madly in love with.”
Silence.
After a while of staring at each other, Dan said, “That’s… kind of evil.”
“Kind of?” Neil snorted. “It was Kevin’s idea.”
“Don’t blame it on me!” Kevin hissed. “You’re the one that actually called!”
“Because you said to!”
“If I told you to jump off a bridge, would you?” Kevin intoned.
“Matter of fact—“
“Okay,” Dan said loudly. “I get it. Just make sure to return it without scratches, alright? Capiche?”
“Capiche,” Neil and Kevin said at the same time.
“Good,” Dan smiled. “Now get the fuck out of my store.”
“You think he’s really going to show?” Neil asked, as time quietly ticked past nine.
They were sitting at the only other bench there was in the area, a bit of a distance away from the supposed meeting point. There weren’t many people around this time of night, only some occasional stragglers.
“He better,” Kevin grumbled. “I’m wasting my time if he doesn’t. We could be at night practice!”
“Give it a rest,” Neil said mildly as he tapped his fingers on his knee.
“Like you don’t care about it as much as I do,” Kevin scoffed.
“I’m not as obsessed as you,” Neil responded.
“I thought you had quit the whole lying thing,” Kevin remarked. Neil glared at him, but was smacked in the arm a second later.
“Shit, shit—I think that’s him!” Kevin whispered furiously.
“Fucking hell—” Neil said, hitting him back. Then he looked up. “Wait. How do you know? He isn’t wearing the cardigan.”
Neil couldn’t see Aaron’s face clearly because the dark hid it well, but he was at least able to tell that much. He was wearing a leather jacket on top of a black shirt and dark pants.
“Wow,” Neil said. “He looks shorter than me.”
“Focus!” Kevin muttered. “A blond man, alone, at this time of day? Look look, he’s even sitting down at the bench! It has to be him.”
Neil wasn’t so sure, but they waited.
The man, presumably Aaron, sat on the bench overlooking the city and lit a cigarette. He didn’t seem particularly concerned about other people, but Neil noted that he did occasionally look around. It was never with any interest though. It seemed completely at odds with his overly romantic column, but what did Neil know?
Aaron blew out some smoke, and typed away on his phone one-handed. After a few moments, he stilled like he was checking the time.
He got up after that, tucked his phone in his pocket, and walked away.
“How anti-climactic,” Kevin said. “He doesn’t even seem sad.”
“Should we follow him?” Neil asked.
Kevin turned to look at him. Neil stared back.
“Sure,” Kevin said after a moment. “What the hell.”
So they followed him. Aaron was in his car by the time they spotted him, and Kevin cursed when he saw what it looked like. “You think he drives like a maniac?”
“I can keep up with him,” Neil said.
Kevin blinked, like a thought suddenly occurred to him. “Do you have your driver’s license on you?”
“What driver‘s license?” Neil asked, starting the car.
“What the fuck,” Kevin said.
“What?” Neil repeated, bemused.
Kevin was silent for a long while. “For both our sakes, let’s hope he’s a law abiding citizen.”
Luckily, perhaps it was the nicotine mellowing him out, but Aaron didn’t seem particularly concerned with disobeying speed regulations. He drove at a moderate pace—perhaps too moderate—but eventually, Neil and Kevin parked a few blocks away from Aaron’s house. Far enough away that they wouldn’t be spotted, but close enough they could still see him as he entered.
“Are we officially stalkers now?” Neil said, after a moment.
“We’re officially bored losers,” Kevin sighed. “Well, you. Not me.”
Neil didn’t even argue. He just mused, “Hey, maybe I’ll make a binder of him. That’ll mean you successfully got rid of my obsession. This wasn’t a complete waste of time.”
“So you admit you had a weird obsession with me!”
“Well not anymore!”
“I don’t believe that.”
“I don’t care what you believe!”
Silence. Then—
“Maybe I do need another hobby,” Neil sighed.
“Y’know, when you said you needed another hobby, I didn’t think you meant looking through other people’s mail,” Kevin said grudgingly.
“Well, you’re here now aren’t you?” Neil replied flippantly.
Kevin rolled his eyes as he dug through the mailboxes. “Nope. Not this one. Definitely not this one. Oh! Got it,” he said triumphantly.
Neil wandered over, and peered over his shoulder. “A—lacrosse magazine? You sure? He doesn’t seem the sporty type.”
“Everything else was makeup or nail magazines,” Kevin said dismissively. “Even saw something for the National Psoriasis Foundation.”
“Well maybe Aaron struggles with dandruff or likes doing his makeup. Don’t be so narrow minded, Kevi,” Neil scolded mildly.
Kevin opened his mouth to argue, but Neil abruptly shushed him. “Do you hear that?” he asked.
They were quiet for a moment, cicadas chirping in the heat of summer. A voice or two floated in the air, familiar. Neil and Kevin glanced at each other, before slowly circling the house.
Two people were standing underneath an open garage, heaps of random objects piled upon two or three tables. One was a woman with light blonde hair that looked almost white in the sun, rainbow colors dyed at the tips. She wore a smile as she sat peacefully, engaged in a conversation with a man. A very familiar man.
Aaron was less intimidating in the clarity of day, five foot even at best, and face flushed with heat. His expression was blank, but his eyes were intent as he listened to whatever the woman was talking about.
Neil elbowed Kevin, and walked up. Kevin followed reluctantly, but not before whispering furiously, “What if he recognizes us?”
Neil shrugged and didn’t answer. The woman glanced up at his approach, and so did Aaron.
“Garage sale?” Neil said inanely as he looked around.
The woman smiled at him amicably. “Yes, looking for anything specific?”
Kevin poked around through some of the books lying face up, no doubt searching for something related to history or track. Neil’s eye caught onto a knife with roses carved into the handle. He picked it up, weighing it, and said, “Yeah. Do you have more of these?”
The woman shook her head. She said, “Those aren’t mine anymore. You’ll have to ask Andrew where he keeps his collection.”
Kevin, standing next to Neil, froze. Neil himself did too, of course, but he was better at hiding it. “Andrew?” he asked.
The woman smiled and pointed at Aaron. Well, who Neil and Kevin had been assuming was Aaron. When Neil turned to look at him, Aaron—or perhaps it was Andrew—was already looking back.
It was like staring into an abyss.
Neil unstuck his tongue from the roof of his mouth and asked, relatively calm, “You have any more of these for sale?”
Andrew—Neil was going to stick with that for now—raised an eyebrow. He didn’t answer, but he walked away with some purpose in his stride. Neil watched him go as he vaguely listened to Kevin extract information from who he now knew as Renee.
When Andrew came back, it was with a box in his hands. He dumped it on the table with a plop, and made a sweeping gesture. “Have at it,” he said, faintly sarcastic. His gaze lingered bluntly on Neil’s face, presumably on his nasty scars, so Neil ignored him.
The knives were laid out neatly for the most part, but many looked like they hadn’t been used in years. Some looked unsharpened. Neil would’ve walked away if not for the fact that, at the very least, none looked decorative. He grabbed a couple, weighed them in his hands, then put them back. There were some good ones in there, but he didn’t like the feel of them. Finally, he picked one up. It was the simplest of the bunch, short and stubbly, but sharp.
“How much?” Neil asked, eyes lowered.
“Twenty,” Andrew said. Then, “Do you even know how to use it?”
Neil heard a snort from somewhere behind him, but he was unsure whether it was from Kevin or Renee. It didn’t matter either way, because he felt his father’s smile crawl up his face. Andrew’s eyes zeroed in on it, and Neil lifted a hand to wipe it off forcefully.
“Yes,” he said simply.
“Interesting,” Andrew said.
Yes, Neil thought. You are.
“Why do you have so many knives anyway?” Neil asked, trying to change the subject. He knew it wasn’t very subtle, but he didn’t care.
“Enemies,” Andrew responded vaguely.
“As in, yours?” Neil asked, unimpressed. “What enemies do you have?”
Andrew didn’t answer. Neil was suddenly struck with a thought.
“Oh, someone else’s enemies? They’re for protecting then,” he guessed blindly. It was a shot in the dark.
Neil was only a little surprised when Andrew’s lip twisted. “You are an irritant,” Andrew told him derisively.
Neil waved his hand dismissively. “You didn’t say I was wrong.”
“Are you buying or not?” Andrew asked rudely.
Neil dug around in his cargo pocket for a second before pulling out his wallet. Andrew’s nose scrunched up when he saw it. “Should I be prepared for flies?” he asked dryly.
Neil glanced up briefly. “Ha, ha.”
He scrounged up some measly twenty dollars and was left with a whopping fifty cents after. Andrew took his crinkled bills without comment, but Neil noticed Renee frowning next to him. “Perhaps it can be sold at a discounted rate?” she asked, gentle but pointed.
Andrew’s eyes slid to hers. Neil said, "I have money.”
It wasn’t a lie, but they both seemed to think it was. Without taking his eyes off Renee’s, Andrew said, “Do you?”
“I do,” Neil frowned, staring at their stare-off. Perhaps they were a thing, he guessed again, haphazardly. Couples always did things that confounded him.
Andrew finally turned to look at him. “We’re here every Saturday,” he said, almost like he was reciting something. Probably got it from Renee.
Neil tilted his head.
“In case you want a discounted rate for something else,” Andrew finished.
“Okay,” Neil said slowly.
“Okay?”
“Okay,” Neil confirmed. “I’ll come back if I find my purchase satisfactory.”
Andrew rolled his eyes. “Scram,” he said dismissively.
Neil, for some bewildering reason, bit back the urge to smile, and did just that.
As they were walking away, Kevin suddenly said, “Aha!”
Neil gave him a sidelong look. “Are you a cartoon character?”
Kevin glared at him. “You didn’t even watch cartoons growing up!”
“No,” Neil agreed, “and I’m starting to think that was for the better.”
“Don’t even try to justify your parents' shitty—no! Wait! You’re distracting me,” Kevin said.
“You’re distracting yourself, but go on. Let the world know what goes on in Kevin Day’s head,” Neil remarked, spinning the knife in his hand.
Kevin ignored him. “I was wondering why that guy looked so familiar and I think I know who he is now.”
Neil didn’t say anything, waiting for him to get impatient and spit it out. Kevin didn’t disappoint.
“Andrew Minyard!” He said with a flourish.
“Who?” Neil asked.
Kevin stopped, so Neil obediently stopped next to him. “You don’t know who he is?” Kevin looked vaguely mutinous.
“Hey, I’m not the one who didn’t recognize him until five minutes after I talked to him,” Neil defended.
“I’ve mentioned him before! Multiple times!”
“And I’m just supposed to remember everything you say?” Neil rolled his eyes, and continued to walk.
Kevin caught up to him quickly. “Well if you did, then maybe you wouldn’t have given him your money.”
Neil glanced at him. “Why?”
“He’s a retired pro-lacrosse player. Goalkeeper, number three,” Kevin shrugged. “I don’t imagine he needs your pitiful twenty bucks.”
Neil thought about that in silence for a few moments. “Well that explains the lacrosse magazines,” he mused.
“Not really,” Kevin said. “Apparently he hates the game. It’s why he retired when he did.”
Neil glanced at him again. Kevin noticed and asked, slightly warily, “What?”
“I’m amazed you know so much about an athlete who isn’t a runner,” Neil said. “Retired at that. Just surprising is all.”
Kevin lifted a shoulder. “He’s said to be the best goalkeeper lacrosse ever had. Supposedly.”
Neil understood then. “And you stumbled upon him while doing research for your made-up game?”
“It’s called Exy,” Kevin corrected, “and yes. I did.”
“Maybe we should go back then,” Neil said casually. “For your research or whatever.”
“We’ll see,” Kevin grumbled. Neil didn’t really care either way, and forgot about it as soon as they entered the stadium.
Wymack and Kevin were setting up the table when Neil entered the kitchen. He glanced at their awkward small talk and decisively walked towards Abby. He asked, “Anything I can help with?”
Abby didn’t even look back. She said, “Chop those vegetables on the counter. And don’t try to steal any berries, I know it’s always you!”
Neil nonchalantly retracted his hand from the fridge and acted like nothing happened. He swiped a knife from her knifing block and chopped three vegetables in silence amidst the sizzling of the stove, before he finally spoke. “How long have you had this for again?”
When Abby looked at him, he waved the knife in the air. She scowled at him for his carelessness, but answered anyway, “A while. Why?”
“I think it’s time you get a new one. This one’s dull,” Neil responded dutifully.
Abby frowned. “Are there no more you can use?”
“I can continue using this one,” Neil said. “It’s fine.”
Abby continued frowning at him. Neil thought for a moment, before saying, “Well there’s a knife I bought at a garage sale a few days ago.”
Before she could reply, Neil turned around and shouted, “Kevin! Do you remember where I put that knife I bought?”
After a moment, Kevin replied, “I don't know! Isn’t it in the guest bedroom?”
Neil said, “I’ll be quick,” and avoided Abby’s steadily alarmed look.
Neil rifled through the bedroom and quickly found the knife tucked away into a drawer. When he returned, it was to Abby with her hands on her hips and a warning twist to her lip. “Neil Abram Josten, what are you doing at a garage sale that sells knives?”
“They didn’t just sell knives,” Neil responded. “But I liked the feel of this one. Look,” he said, showing it to her.
Abby’s face abruptly went blank. She looked at the knife in Neil’s hand for a few long seconds before her voice grew louder, “David!”
Wymack walked into the kitchen a moment later and said, “Is the food—”
His voice trailed off. He blinked at the knife Neil was holding. Neil frowned at them both. “What?” he questioned, a bit defensively.
“Is that Andrew’s knife?” Wymack asked, voice deceptively calm.
Neil stared in confused silence. Kevin poked his head in at that, and said, “You guys know Andrew Minyard?”
There was a pool of amusement lingering in Wymack’s eyes. He said, “Better than most. He went to PSU.”
“But I thought he was a lacrosse player,” Kevin said.
“He was,” Wymack agreed. “But he didn’t get on with his coaches very well. They couldn’t understand him. Hell, most days I can’t either. Beats me why they thought I could.”
Wymack thought for a moment, before continuing, “I don’t think he needed understanding though. He needed someone who’d look at him and not see a lost cause. Someone to give him purpose.” He paused. “In another life, he would’ve been a Fox.”
Neil agreed with the last sentence, but wasn't so sure about the first. He didn’t know Andrew very well, but he doubted anyone wouldn’t want someone to understand them.
“Oh please,” Abby said, breaking the silence that fell over them. “He was practically a Fox when he was here anyway. A Palmetto Fox in everything but name.”
“Huh,” Kevin blinked. “Think you can get him to come over anytime soon?”
Wymack gave him a knowing look, but Abby tutted. “It’s about time we invited that boy over anyway. He’s been distant ever since he retired.”
“He’s a grown man,” Wymack huffed, amused despite himself. “He can come over when he wants to.”
Abby glanced at him with pity. “Whatever you say, David.”
Neil watched this all unfold quietly as he leaned against the counter, and silently devised a plan.
That Saturday, Neil returned to the garage sale alone. Renee was still there, but the first thing she said upon seeing him was: “Oh, Andrew’s upstairs. He should be back in a few minutes.”
Neil nodded, slightly uneasy, and pretended to look around to avoid talking to her. From the corner of his eye, he saw her on her phone but didn’t realize she was probably texting Andrew until the man himself appeared with an almost imperceptible rush to his gait.
He stopped abruptly when he caught sight of Neil, and Neil had the distinct impression that Andrew wanted to turn back around. He frowned as Andrew slowly made his way over, and said, “Was I not supposed to come back?”
Andrew blinked at him and didn’t respond. Neil added, “You don’t look thrilled to see me.”
Andrew replied, “I don’t look thrilled to see anyone.”
Neil raised an eyebrow. “Right. You still didn’t answer my question.”
“If I say you weren’t, are you just going to turn back around?” There was sarcasm in his voice, but Neil responded seriously.
“Yes,” he said.
Andrew scowled and abruptly changed the subject. “What are you here for?”
“I found my previous purchase satisfactory,” Neil intoned.
“So?”
“So, I’m here to make another one. With the discount I was promised.”
“And if I tell you I don’t take promises seriously?”
“Then I’m going to tell you you look like a liar.”
Andrew stared at him. “I hate you,” he said casually.
“I know,” Neil replied. “Do you have any more knives?”
“I showed you all the ones for sale,” Andrew said.
“And the ones that aren’t?” Neil challenged.
Andrew exhaled rather dramatically in Neil’s opinion, before saying, “Wait here.”
It was only when he left that Neil remembered Renee was still there. He frowned, and turned to look at her. He didn’t like that he couldn’t seem to sense her presence at times.
She was already looking at him, smile fixed in place. He couldn’t shake the feeling it held a knowing quality in it. “What?” he said.
She tilted her head. “Nothing,” she replied smoothly. Then, “What do you think of Andrew?”
Neil blinked. “He seems… nice?” he replied unsurely.
For some reason, that only made the smile on her face grow wider. Neil turned back around before she could ask him any more bewildering questions. Fortunately, Andrew was only gone for a few more minutes. He came down carrying a small box. It barely made a sound as he carefully deposited it onto the table.
“I rotate through my knives,” Andrew said. “Most of them are in my armbands, but the rest are here.”
Neil eyed said armbands for a few brief moments. It was an interesting revelation, but he didn’t dwell on it for long.
Instead, Neil made a low whistling sound as he peered over the box. “Quite the collection,” he acknowledged.
Andrew didn’t respond but Neil wasn’t particularly concerned and reached in to snag a knife. The first one he grabbed at random was sturdy but slim. Its hilt was beautifully rounded and its blade seemed adequately sharp.
Neil ran a finger down the blade. Droplets of blood trailed down from the even line it created on his skin.
“Don’t,” Andrew said.
When Neil glanced up, Andrew was staring at him with a frown. Neil joked, “One more scar can’t hurt.”
Andrew didn’t laugh, but Neil hadn’t expected him to.
He stared at the knife in his hand and suddenly thought aloud, “I really, really hate knives.”
“Then why are you here?” Andrew asked.
Neil thought about that. “I don’t know,” he decided.
He thought about a book he had read halfway for a class and mused, “The sharper the knife, the easier it is to dull.”[1]
Neil looked at the obediently deadly knife gripped in his palm, and felt a stirring of mischief spark within himself.
He dropped the knife.
Andrew caught it before it hit the ground.
“Oops,” Neil said.
“That was dangerous,” Andrew said, flicking him a look.
“Was it? You don’t seem like the type to be scared of danger. Don’t be so afraid to die,” Neil replied casually, looking around.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Andrew turn his head and stare at Renee. When Neil fully turned to him, there was a dark, swirling look to his eyes. Neil instinctively looked at Renee, who was no longer smiling. They seemed to be communicating without words, and Neil felt mildly unsettled.
Then Renee blinked, and suddenly she was smiling again. She said, “Is there something you would like to ask, Andrew?”
Neil frowned, eyes swiveling between the two of them.
Andrew gave her a displeased look, and heaved a long suffering sigh. “Renee is hosting a party here on Friday. She was wondering if you would like to come.”
“Right,” Neil said, “and why are you the one asking?”
“She’s shy,” Andrew said flatly.
Neil glanced at Renee, who looked back at him amicably when she noticed his attention. She didn’t seem very shy to him, but Neil didn’t think too deeply about it.
“If I have time,” he said.
“Whatever,” Andrew responded. “Are you buying anything or not?”
Neil didn’t reply for a minute, just looked around. He didn’t spot anything interesting; it was all mainly miscellaneous stuff. He shrugged.
“No,” he said.
“Then what are you still doing here?” Andrew said, not quite meanly.
“Talking to you,” Neil responded duly, but turned to walk away.
He vaguely heard Renee say, “Swing by any time if you’re free!”
He thought he heard Andrew tell her something in response, but he couldn’t be sure. He just waved one arm up without looking back.
Neil and Kevin wandered through an emporium.
“I’m bored,” Kevin repeated for the hundredth time.
Neil grabbed a random dvd jewel case, skimmed the summary on the back, then stuffed it back on the shelf.
“If you’re gonna buy a movie, at least go to the sports section,” Kevin said, “or the history one.”
“Not everything is about sports or history, Kevin.” Neil lied.
“Can we do something else?” Kevin huffed, ignoring him.
Neil suddenly stopped. Kevin didn’t stop in time and bumped into his back. He gave him a scathing look for that, but Neil just said, “I know a party we could go to.”
Kevin was too surprised to pretend otherwise. “You know people who throw parties? Allison excluded,” he asked.
Neil shrugged. “Are we going or not?”
Kevin thought about it for a moment. “Is there going to be beer?”
“Maybe,” Neil said convincingly.
“Then let’s go,” Kevin said, walking out the door, “Not like we have anything better to do.”
Kevin sat on a couch, and said, “I totally, totally hate you.”
“This isn’t so bad,” Neil replied, eyeing Andrew’s living room.
“Please,” Kevin scoffed. “You hate parties more than I do. The only reason you’re here is to torment me.”
“Don’t be so self-absorbed,” Neil scolded lightly. “I’m not here for you.”
From the corner of his eye, he saw Kevin turn to him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Neil didn’t reply. He said suddenly, “Oh, look! It’s the old guy from the bench! What did he say his name was again?”
Kevin looked up in time to see Jean turn around. “I am not old,” he said, offended.
Neil shrugged. The guy next to Jean, a bottle-blond with too much cheer on his face to be real, said: “New faces! I haven’t seen you guys around before. Do you know Jean?”
“Andrew invited us,” Neil said in lieu of a proper response.
“What are your names? I’m Jeremy.” Jeremy smiled.
Neil responded, “Kevin.”
Kevin immediately shoved an elbow into his stomach.
Jeremy looked faintly puzzled. “Really? You don’t look like a Kevin,” he said.
“People tell me that all the time.” Neil replied absently.
Jeremy didn’t seem to sense that, or if he did, he didn’t seem to care. “And you?” He turned to Kevin.
“Matt,” Kevin responded sourly.
Matt turned around. “Did someone say my—oh hey guys! I didn’t know you knew Andrew!” It was a rather comical moment, even Neil could admit that.
Neil abruptly stood up amidst Kevin’s groans. He said, “I see Andrew. Have fun with the extroverts and Jean.”
“Neil!” Kevin hissed lowly. “Do not leave me with these—”
Neil didn’t stick around long enough to hear what Kevin said afterwards. He beelined towards Andrew and plopped right onto the stool in front of the counter. “Hey,” he breathed.
“I didn’t think you’d come,” Andrew glanced up from where he was pouring vodka into a cup.
Neil lifted a shoulder, the other arm cupping his chin. “Got bored,” he said vaguely.
Andrew snorted but didn’t say anything else. Neil didn’t either, and it was silent for a few minutes in their small pocket of space. It didn’t feel heavy or uncomfortable, just quiet. Eventually, Andrew said, “I’m not giving you any.”
“Any what?” Neil said, looking at the small specks of gold he could suddenly see swirling in Andrew’s eyes.
“Any alcohol,” Andrew said.
“I don’t drink,” Neil responded.
Andrew finally lifted his head. “Then why are you staring?”
Neil blinked. “Am I?” he mused aloud.
Andrew huffed out a quiet breath, but before he could say anything, Neil straightened. “Show me something interesting,” he said.
“Something interesting,” Andrew repeated, slowly chewing the words in his mouth.
Neil tilted his head. “I’m bored,” he teased for reasons unbeknownst to him. “Won’t you show me something fun?”
Andrew didn’t break eye contact with him as he put the vodka bottle down. After a moment, he said, “Fine.”
They left the cups filled with liquor on the counter and went to a separate area. Neil wasn’t really sure what he was expecting, but when Andrew opened the door, he was surprised to see a punching bag hung by a wall mount. When he looked around, he saw various mats in different states of disarray and some gym equipment.
“This is where you work out?” Neil said inanely as he took a step forward.
Andrew closed the door behind him, muffling out the sound of chatter, and didn’t answer. Neil wasn’t surprised.
“Renee taught me,” he said instead, lifting his chin towards the punching bag.
Neil followed his gaze and asked, “Is she any good?”
Andrew let out a soft scoff. “It’s been four years,” he said, “and she still kicks my ass most of the time.”
Neil raised his eyebrows. “This is what you meant by interesting?” he said, but didn’t give Andrew enough time to reply.
He pivoted on his heel and asked, “How old are you again?”
Andrew leaned his head back against the door and crossed his arms in front of his chest. The black compression shirt he wore tightened against his skin. “Twenty eight,” he said. “You?”
“Nineteen,” Neil responded. A strange look passed through Andrew’s face briefly, but he didn’t say anything. Neil frowned, but didn’t comment.
He remembered something, and instead asked, “Do you have family in the area?”
Andrew finally straightened and walked towards him. “Is this an interrogation now?” he asked flatly.
Neil stuffed his hands into his hoodie and shrugged. “You just seem like… a lone wolf is all.”
Andrew flicked him a look at that, but didn’t call him out. “I have a brother and a cousin,” he said.
Everything suddenly made much more sense. “Brother?” Neil asked, faux casually.
Andrew threw him another glance. “Twin,” he confirmed, almost reluctantly. “We’re not close.”
There was a sort of bitter tinge to his tone. Neil wasn’t inclined to believe him. Andrew had answered his brother’s call, and had shown up to his brother’s “date” for him, yet insisted they weren’t familiar? Something had to give.
He didn’t continue prying. He just said, “Probably lonely then.”
When Andrew turned to face him, he added, “His life’s probably boring without you.”
Andrew stared at him without speaking for a few odd seconds, and just when Neil thought he’d said something wrong, Andrew abruptly turned away. “What about you?” he asked. “Any family?”
Neil had already prepared for that question the minute he had asked his, so he answered frankly, “My parents are dead. No siblings.”
Andrew made a low humming noise. Neil thought about it for a moment, and continued, “I guess I technically have an uncle on my mother’s side, but that’s about the extent of my biological family.”
“And not biological?” Andrew asked.
When Neil stared at him blankly, Andrew huffed and walked closer. “What about your family that isn’t biological?” he repeated.
Neil was quiet for a few seconds. Then he said, “I have Kevin. Matt too I guess, and Dan, and Allison. Wymack. Abby.”
Neil didn’t realize how long the list was until he said it aloud. He felt an uneasy, warm feeling in his chest and ignored it. It was only because Andrew was so close that Neil saw the flicker of realization appear in his eyes. “You’re a Fox,” he said, backing away.
“Yes,” Neil blinked, not bothering to lie.
Andrew watched his face for a minute, before accusing, “You know who I am.”
Neil tilted his head. “I know your name is Andrew Minyard,” he conceded, “and you’re retired, and know Wymack and Abby. That’s about it.”
Andrew stared at him for a little while longer, but didn’t seem to detect a lie.
“And that you have a twin brother and a cousin,” Neil added. “And are friends with Renee, Matt for some reason, Jean, and Jeremy.”
Andrew finally untensed. He said, “They are not my friends. They are leeches who have attached themselves to me and will not let go.”
Neil made a seesaw gesture with his hand. “I don’t believe you.”
“I cannot control what you believe,” Andrew said flatly, but didn’t continue arguing with him. He dug around in his back pocket for half a minute before finding his cigarette pack. He tilted it questioningly at Neil, who grabbed one silently.
Andrew lit his cigarette, tucked the lighter away, then put his near Neil’s to light it. Neil was tempted to count his eyelashes, but he resisted. Neil blew out some smoke, before he thought to ask, “In here? There aren't any windows.”
Andrew replied, “Keep the door open when we leave.”
Neil didn’t particularly care either way, so he didn’t say much. He turned his face towards Andrew to watch him exhale misty smoke, and the acrid smell faintly reminded him of his mother. The thought left him as quickly as the smoke dispersed, and then all that was left was Andrew.
Andrew didn’t turn, but Neil knew he saw him. “Stop staring,” Andrew said.
Neil obediently looked away, but couldn’t resist asking, “Why?”
Andrew didn’t seem keen on responding. Neil didn’t mind.
Eventually, all Andrew said was, “Why all the questions today?”
Neil responded, bemused, “I wanted to know you.”
“There’s not much to know,” Andrew replied.
“Somehow, I doubt that.” Neil almost smiled.
“I don’t care,” Andrew said, turning away.
“You know,” Neil started, “every time you say that, I believe you a little less.”
Andrew opened his mouth like he wanted to speak, and then harshly cut himself off. Neil couldn’t be sure, but he thought he saw a tinge of light pink dust his neck. Instead of saying anything, Andrew simply flicked him the universal sign of displeasure and stomped off. He didn’t forget to throw away the cigarette though.
Neil watched him go and couldn’t help the rusty, sharp laugh he let out.
When he went back out, he didn’t see Andrew. He did, however, see Kevin who wore an impatient tilt to his mouth. He headed that way just in time to hear a man with curly hair ask, “Are you saying you swing my way?”
“No,” Kevin replied. “Romance isn’t important in the grand scheme of things. The only thing I love that will give me something back is track and field.”
The man, who Neil was faintly starting to recognize, said: “That’s… kinda sad actually.”
Kevin opened his mouth to reply, but then he spotted Neil and quickly stood up. “Neil!” he said.
“Neil,” the other man repeated, with much less astringency and much more interest. He stared at Neil’s scars, but it was different from how Andrew had done it—it was more intrusive, more pervasive.
For some reason, he looked familiar. Neil dug through his memory for a second and then quickly placed him as one of the two that he and Kevin had followed around a while back, because they thought he was probably a satanist. Neil was quite surprised. He hadn’t thought Andrew knew satanists.
Before he could say anything, the man introduced himself. “I’m Nicky. This is my husband, Erik. We’re usually out of town, but we decided to swing by. Coincidentally, Andrew’s throwing a party! Well, forced to. You know Andrew?”
“Yeah,” Neil affirmed, and didn’t elaborate. “How do you know Andrew?”
“I’m his dearly beloved cousin,” Nicky threw up jazz hands. “Surprising right?”
That was one word for it. Nicky didn’t look related to Andrew at all—tall where he was short, dark and curly-haired where he was pale and straight-haired, talkative where he was silent.
Neil said, “Quite.”
Jeremy, with a cup of water in one hand, couldn’t help but interject, “Hey, wait. So is your name Neil or Kevin?”
Neil turned and lied without thinking, “Kevin.”
Jeremy gestured at Kevin. “So why does he keep calling you Neil?”
Neil shrugged, “He’s always wanted to be called Kevin, so he refers to me as Neil. He doesn’t want things to get confusing for other people.”
Neil ignored the kick he received on his shin for that, and after a few moments of Jeremy nodding slowly with a bemused smile, finally deigned to say, “I’m joking.”
Jeremy blinked, and then looked around as if to check whether he was the only one who didn’t understand. Jean had simply ignored every time Neil opened his mouth, and Nicky was too busy typing raptly on his phone to say anything, so Jeremy just said, “Oh.”
“Aaron’s coming!” Nicky quickly whipped his head up. “I have to tell Andrew, he’s gonna be so excited!”
Neil would seriously doubt that if he wasn’t so preoccupied with the way Kevin suddenly hissed and elbowed him. Neil threw him a glance and then coughed. “We’re gonna go... get beer.”
He grabbed Kevin’s wrist and walked off before anyone could say anything. The moment they were alone—barely—Kevin shook off Neil’s hand and yelled, “What the fuck!”
“Keep your voice down,” Neil shushed.
Kevin stared at him, but said in a moderately lower volume, “What the fuck. Is it the Aaron I think it is? What’s going on? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“One question at a time,” Neil said impatiently. “Yes, it’s probably the Aaron from the column. Apparently they’re twins, him and Andrew. I found out like ten minutes ago, I didn’t have time to tell you shit.”
Kevin took a deep breath, and then when he spoke again, he seemed significantly calmer. It was an impressive front. “That still doesn’t explain things. Why would Andrew show up to a date meant for Aaron? Why is Aaron showing up now? Why the fuck aren’t we on our way out as we speak,” Kevin grew increasingly agitated.
“I don’t know, okay?” Neil huffed. “Those are things I’m trying to figure out. Which I can’t do if we leave.”
Kevin gave him a scathing look. “Is that really the reason?”
Neil said, "This is the most interesting thing that’s happened in a long time, Kevin. Fuck me for being curious. We’ve done worse over the years, is this really where you draw the line?”
“He could recognize us!” Kevin hissed.
“Who is going to recognize you?” Andrew asked mildly from behind Neil.
Kevin instantly went mute. Neil spun on his heel and said smoothly, “Jean. Kevin thinks he hasn’t recognized us, but I’m telling him he definitely has.”
Andrew didn’t say anything, but Neil recognized the question in his eyes. Neil explained, “We see him every few days at a bus stop. We asked him if he was crazy once.”
Neil saw the moment Andrew decided to dismiss their problem. He just said, “My cousin is here and my brother is on the way.”
When Neil only stared at him blankly, Andrew said, “If you’re so curious about my family, talk to them yourself.”
Neil replied, “I talked to your cousin already. He’s… energetic. Is your brother the same?”
Andrew snorted. “I’m telling him you asked that,” he mused. “No, he’s not. I don’t think there’s anyone quite like Nicky.”
Neil inclined his head. “Then what’s your brother like?”
Andrew looked at him. “That’s for you to find out, isn’t it?”
Neil leaned sideways against the fridge and tucked his hands into his back pockets. “I guess,” he sighed. Andrew shook his head, a ghost of a movement, and then walked away without another word.
When Neil turned to look at Kevin, he was already staring back, a weird expression on his face. “What?” Neil asked.
“Nothing,” Kevin said, but still had that look.
Neil frowned, but before he could interrogate him further, he heard a shrill voice yell, “Aaron! You made it!”
Neil quickly turned his head and straightened. Without looking away from the entrance, he asked, “Are we doing this or not?”
“I guess so,” Kevin grumbled.
Neil walked away without checking if he was following. He waited around for a while, unwilling to tiptoe to peer over Nicky’s eager arms. After a moment, his patience was rewarded.
Aaron Minyard was almost identical to his brother upon first glance. They were of similar stature and height, and his hair was combed neatly to the side. The differences came later. The twins didn’t have similar styles; Andrew preferred darker, often leather clothing in contrast to Aaron’s blue, white and green wardrobe. Andrew’s nose was also slightly crooked, like it had been broken once before and never healed quite right, but Aaron’s nose was devoid of any such injury.
Perhaps the biggest difference lay in the expression. Neil had never seen nor received such an explicit sneer from Andrew. Andrew preferred to show his displeasure through body language and knives.
“Stop fucking crowding me,” Aaron said, adding another difference. “I’m going to suffocate.”
When Nicky let go of him, he quickly smoothened the stray hairs escaping containment, but not without shooting Nicky a withering glare first. Nicky seemed rather immune to the twins’ tempers, because he laughed without being cowed. “You didn’t bring a special lady?” he teased.
Nicky seemed to have stepped on a sore spot, because Aaron snapped, “Why the fuck would I ever bring anyone deserving of even a little respect anywhere near Andrew, much less his house? I’m not stupid.”
Neil thought he was being rather harsh, but Nicky only shrugged it off. “Stop being dramatic, Andrew’s mellowed out over the years. Plus, your deal’s been broken for what, seven years now?”
“Seven years too late,” Aaron muttered.
“Fine,” Kevin said from next to Neil. “I guess I can see why you find this so interesting. Doesn’t mean I’m any less reluctant though.”
Neil replied absently, “Didn’t expect you to be.”
Kevin briefly glanced at him. “What are you going to do?” he asked.
“Not sure yet,” Neil said, finally looking away. “You did have a point. I don’t want him to recognize me or my voice, no matter what.”
Kevin briefly hesitated. “What if Andrew hadn’t told him anything? Then you wouldn’t need to worry about Aaron recognizing you, right?”
Neil hummed, but didn’t move. “That’s a chance I can’t take,” he said eventually. Even he couldn't tell whether or not that was a lie.
Kevin didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t say anything further.
Matt appeared from somewhere behind them, and shouted, “Hey guys.”
Neil turned to look at him, and suddenly thought of something. “Hey,” he greeted. “You never did say how you know Andrew.”
Matt blinked at the sudden change in topic, but responded anyway, “Yeah. It’s kinda a crazy story actually. Well, the thing is, a while back, I was really losing myself y’know? Doing drugs and partying all the time."
Neil’s gaze fell briefly on the track marks displayed openly on his arms before nodding. Next to him, Kevin scowled but didn’t say anything.
“I was on the verge of losing my scholarship and everything,” Matt continued. “That’s when I met Coach Wymack.”
Kevin perked up, looking a lot more interested all of a sudden, though his stance didn’t waver.
“I don’t know why my coaches thought he could help, something about him having experience with that sort of thing, with fixing people up,” Matt said, “but he really did help. He understood. He didn’t expect anything of me, just that I play and that I do it well. I wasn’t even his player!”
Neil said, “Yeah. I know the feeling.”
He paused. “What does this have to do with Andrew?”
“Oh,” Matt grinned sheepishly. “Right. I’m getting there. Anyway, I was doing better but still not off those drugs completely. It was hard to quit. I guess Andrew was visiting Wymack on one of those harder days—I can’t remember much from then, it’s all hazy—but he decided to help. Or maybe Wymack enlisted his help, I can’t really be sure.”
Neil was skeptical. While Andrew wasn’t a monster or anything, he was decidedly also not a paragon of virtue. Neil wasn’t certain he would actively help someone he barely knew, particularly to such an extent, or why.
Matt took a sip of his drink and shrugged. “He took me out one night, gave me something called speedballs, which—”
Kevin made a strangled sound. A stone sunk low in Neil’s stomach. “He what?”
Matt glanced up. “He didn’t force them on me or anything like that. He offered and I was just stupid enough to say yes.”
“That’s still not—” Neil took a fortifying breath. “You should’ve never spoken to him again.”
“I shouldn’t have,” Matt agreed, “except that it worked. It got me clean. I’ve been sober ever since.”
Neil was silent for a moment. “What did Wymack think?” he asked.
Matt shook his head. “He was pissed obviously, but his opinion didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”
When Neil looked at him questioningly, Matt added, “Andrew got my mom’s permission beforehand. She knew I was struggling, and she wanted me to kick the habit once and for all. She gave him her blessing and everything. She would’ve paid him if he hadn’t refused.”
Neil had met Randy, once. Matt talked about her often, and it was obvious he adored her. When she had visited, it was startlingly clear that that love was reciprocated tenfold. To know she played a hand in this was both surprising, and yet not.
Matt mistook Neil’s silence for anger, and said, “You’re a few years too late to get upset on my behalf. It ended up working out after all so it's alright. I’m alright. No harm, no foul.”
Neil wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about that, but it wasn’t his life, so he just said, “Okay. For the record, I’m glad you’re sober now. You’re a good player, Matt.”
“I know,” Matt smiled without shame. “Andrew’s not so bad once you get to know him. I think you’ll come to see that.”
Neil didn’t respond. He just bumped his shoulder against Kevin’s, who remained silent all throughout, and hummed. Matt left a little while later, and neither Kevin nor Neil watched him go.
Eventually, Kevin said, "There's something in him. I’m not sure what it is yet, but it can be cultivated.”
“He’s retired, Kevin.” Neil said.
“I know,” Kevin said impatiently. “I’m talking about something else. He’s a good player, but he’s withering away now. He could still be great if he wanted. I don’t know why he’s doing nothing with his life when he has so much potential.”
Neil studied Aaron, who was still scowling at Nicky, and said mildly, “Be careful when you call someone nothing, Kevin.”
When Kevin glanced over at him, he paused at whatever he saw in Neil’s eyes. “I wasn’t calling him nothing,” Kevin said slowly, after a moment. “I’m saying he’s going to end up nothing if he continues going like this. It would be a waste. He could be something more, something greater. He could leave a legacy, I know it.”
Neil didn’t disagree with him. He just said, “It’s time.”
Kevin didn’t have time to react before Neil walked off, slow and predatory in his movements. He slid behind Nicky and asked, “Where’s Andrew?”
Nicky jumped. He turned around and said, “Neil, you’re still here! I thought you left a while ago. I didn’t see you.”
“Andrew,” Neil repeated patiently.
Nicky had too much alcohol running through his veins to answer coherently. “Balcony? Does he have one of those? Rooftop, maybe. Smoking definitely.”
Erik put a hand on his shoulder, and shook his head at Neil. It was answer enough.
“Who the fuck are you?” Aaron interjected. Bingo.
Neil’s eyes slid to his and said, “Neil. You?”
Aaron looked too offended to properly formulate a response. Nicky said, “Oh, this is Aaron! Andrew’s twin. Don’t they look alike?”
“Not really,” Neil said, and it didn’t taste quite like a lie.
“So you’re a fucking liar,” Aaron said, “and you didn’t answer my question. Who are you? I’ve never seen you around.”
“You keep track of everyone Andrew hangs with?” Neil asked.
“No,” Aaron said quickly. “But I would’ve remembered you,” and his gaze lingered on Neil’s scars. It was a different stare than both Andrew’s and Nicky’s; the former was purely inquisitive, a little scientific, meanwhile the latter was appreciative and more than a little invasive. Aaron’s stare, contrary to both of theirs, was deliberately meant to insult.
Neil didn’t like him.
“Maybe you don’t have that good of a memory,” Neil said, “or maybe you don’t know Andrew as well as you think you do.”
“And you do?” Aaron said meanly.
“I didn’t say that,” Neil countered.
“Okay,” Nicky said loudly. “I’m sensing some tension here. Let’s chill out, alright? I don’t want to stop any fights today, I’ve had enough of that for one lifetime already.”
Neil glanced at him, but Nicky offered no explanation. He continued, “Why don’t we all take a shot? That’ll make you feel better.”
“I don’t drink,” Neil said.
Nicky frowned at him. Aaron scoffed.
“You don’t drink, or you’re not allowed?” Andrew asked, from behind Nicky. He ignored his cousin’s startled yell, and positioned himself in between Aaron and Neil.
“Maybe both,” Neil said. He hadn’t realized he was tense until the muscles in his back loosened.
“Typical,” Andrew said.
“Of a jock?” Neil asked, amused.
“Of you,” Andrew corrected. “Is there going to be a problem?”
The change in topic was so abrupt that for a moment, Neil didn’t know what he was talking about. When it clicked, he glanced at Aaron and said, “I don’t know. Is there?”
Aaron glared at him and didn’t answer.
“I leave you alone for five minutes and someone already hates your guts.” Andrew mused.
“You were the one that told me to talk to him,” Neil reminded.
“Talk, not provoke,” Andrew retorted.
“Kevin! You’re still here too,” Nicky slurred.
Neil turned in time to see Kevin’s head tilt.
“Y’know, you kinda look like someone,” Nicky continued, unsteady on his feet. Kevin ignored him and asked Neil, “Are we leaving soon?”
Neil hesitated. He looked at Andrew, who looked back after a moment. In the dim lighting, his eyes seemed dark and bottomless. Neil suddenly remembered what he had thought when he first met him: it was like staring into an abyss.
“No one’s forcing you to stay,” Andrew said.
“I wanted to,” Neil acknowledged, inclining his head, “but it’s getting late now. I had fun.”
“Did you,” Andrew stated, not quite a question.
Neil’s lips formed a ghost of a smile, and he didn’t answer. He looked back at Kevin and said, “Let’s go.”
“Fucking finally,” Kevin muttered.
Neil heard Nicky vaguely muttering about how they looked familiar, but he didn’t so much as twitch. Neither did Kevin, but Neil suspected that had more to do with the alcohol probably running through his veins.
They walked to the entrance and Neil was only a little surprised to see Andrew follow them out. Kevin opened the door and immediately beelined towards Dan’s car that they had borrowed yet again, but Neil lingered on the porch. “Thanks for inviting me,” he said.
“Thank Renee,” Andrew replied. “She’s the one that forced me.”
“No one can make you do anything that you don’t want to,” Neil said, after a moment.
Andrew was silent for a while. Eventually, he agreed, “No.”
“Can we do this again?” Neil asked. “Just the two of us?”
“There is no ‘this’,” Andrew replied, almost like he was on autopilot.
Neil blinked. “Sure,” he agreed.
Andrew’s lips tightened. After a moment, he said, “Give me your phone.”
Neil dug around in his cargo pocket and eventually fished it out. Andrew frowned in disgust, but didn’t comment. He flipped it open and did something on it intently. Neil waited patiently, and was rewarded by Andrew’s contact shoved in his face. Neil almost went cross eyed looking at it, so he just grabbed the phone from Andrew’s hand and closed it.
When he looked up, Andrew said, “When you have time, we can arrange something. It’s not like I have anything better to do.”
“Alright,” Neil agreed. “I’ll call you.”
Andrew’s eyes wandered over Neil’s shoulder, likely at Kevin. “Don’t keep him waiting,” he said, confirming Neil’s suspicion.
Neil was going to reply, but then he suddenly saw Andrew’s eyes roam downward. His gaze was lingering on the car, Neil realized.
He unsubtly blocked Andrew’s vision. When Andrew looked back up, Neil said, “See you soon.”
Neil couldn’t spot any wariness or recognition in Andrew’s eyes when he hummed. After a moment, Neil nodded and walked off.
As Neil closed the door to the car and sat in the driver’s seat, Kevin snapped at him, “What took you so long?”
Neil only replied after they hit the road. “I think he’s onto us.”
Kevin’s fingers tightened on his knee, but he didn’t look away from the window. “What do you mean?”
“Just a feeling,” Neil said absently.
“If he finds out, it’s not going to be pretty,” Kevin warned.
“I know.” Neil replied. “But I can’t stop now. It’s not about being bored anymore, it’s just—about Andrew. I want to know all that he’ll let me.”
Kevin’s lips thinned, but he didn’t say anything.
They drove off.
Neil perused the menu and decisively shut it closed. In front of him, Andrew didn’t glance up. He said to the waitress, “The double chocolate chip fudge explosion. Extra brownie, extra sprinkles, extra syrup.”
“Whip cream?” The waitress asked, writing it down.
“Yes,” Andrew replied, handing her the menu.
When he finally looked at Neil, Neil was already staring at him with an eyebrow raised. Andrew jerked his chin at him to order. Neil didn’t look away as he said, “A strawberry sorbet.”
“Thanks,” he added belatedly.
When the waitress walked away, Neil said, “I didn’t know you had that much of a sweet tooth.”
“Don’t you?” Andrew asked mildly.
“No, I don’t like sweets,” Neil said, propping his chin up on the table with the palm of his hand.
Andrew stared at him, and Neil could recognize the growing horror in his eyes. It was the first time Andrew had ever looked at him with such a vivid expression. Neil couldn’t help but snort. “Drama queen,” he remarked.
Andrew didn’t reply. Neil looked around and said, “I’m guessing you like it here?”
Sweetie’s was the only place Neil thought of when Andrew had asked for a place to eat at. It was a restaurant sure, but they had an extensive collection of ice cream too. It also happened to be one of the places Neil frequented the most. For some inexplicable reason, Neil thought Andrew would like it.
“I’ve been to Sweetie’s before,” Andrew said.
Neil’s eyes snapped back to him like a rubber band. He didn’t say anything, but his expression must have because Andrew explained uncharacteristically, “Not here, but the chain. There’s a Sweetie’s in Columbia too. I used to go with Aaron and Nicky. Sometimes Renee.”
Neil filed that away in a corner of his mind and asked, “What were you doing in Columbia?”
The corner of Andrew’s mouth moved slightly as he thought. Neil let him choose his words patiently, and eventually Andrew replied, “We used to live there, so sometimes we would go back. Mostly, we went to a club called Eden’s Twilight.”
Neil blinked. “You don’t strike me as a party guy,” he said.
“You didn’t know me back then,” Andrew responded wryly.
Neil thought about that and hummed. “That was in college?”
Andrew nodded as his eyes trailed the return of the waitress. She set down their bowls and said, “Enjoy.”
Neither of them answered her and she walked away without another word. Neil picked up his receding train of thought again and said, “I was… ten back then? Fourteen when you graduated."
Neil wouldn’t have noticed Andrew’s reaction if his hand hadn’t paused in the middle of taking a bite. After a moment, he resumed his motions and didn’t say anything. Neil thought about the last time he mentioned their ages, and something slowly fell into place.
“Does it bother you?” Neil asked carefully. “Our age difference?”
Andrew’s eyes narrowed minutely. After a while, he responded, “You’re a grown man. So am I. I didn’t know you as a child, nor do I think you’re particularly inexperienced enough now for me to be a threat to you."
His gaze didn’t linger on Neil’s scars, but Neil understood. “And is that important to you,” he asked, “not being a threat to me?”
Andrew stared at him like it was obvious. Neil didn’t know how to feel about that. He was so used to looking over his shoulder for danger that he couldn’t fathom the idea of someone actively trying to be the opposite. Still, he pushed, “You didn’t answer my question.”
Andrew scooped another bite. “No,” he said finally.
Neil nodded, satisfied. He started shoveling spoonfuls of the sorbet into his mouth and finished it within five minutes. Andrew gave him a look at that, but continued his moderate pace without shame. At some point, Neil’s sneakers bumped into Andrew’s boots under the table. Andrew didn’t move away, so Neil didn’t either. They finished their food like that.
When the waitress came back, Andrew paid without uttering a single syllable and Neil didn’t argue. Neil had heard the bell above the door jingle throughout the interaction but hadn’t paid much attention to it other than a cursory glance at the woman that walked in. It was only when Andrew stilled, and Neil turned back around in confusion, that he realized a man trailed behind her.
It was Aaron.
Neil watched Andrew as he tracked them with his eyes. Not even a minute after, he stood up and walked towards them. Neil followed behind closely.
“On a date?” Andrew asked, deceptively casual.
Aaron startled harshly, and when he caught sight of Andrew, instinctively shrunk his neck like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t have been. He straightened immediately after, but Neil took note.
Aaron pretended to dust off his clothes as he said, “Something like that.” He wasn’t as good at being monotone as Andrew was.
The woman watched the two with a bemused gaze. She said, “Hi, we haven’t met yet. I’m Katelyn. You must be… Aaron’s twin?”
Andrew didn’t glance in her direction. He stared Aaron down, who only puffed up at the intimidation. Aaron said, “You can go sit down. I’ll be right there.”
Aaron didn’t look at Katelyn, but they all knew the words were meant for her. She hesitated for only a few seconds more before walking away, but not without a couple of glances back.
When she was out of earshot, Aaron snapped, “What the fuck? Our deal’s been void for seven years now, Andrew! Seven years,” he stressed. “You don’t have a say anymore in who I date.”
Neil’s eyebrows shot up.
“Sure I don’t,” Andrew said, “but that doesn’t mean I have to like any of them. Your taste in women leaves much to be desired.”
“You don’t know that Andrew, you don’t talk to any of them!”
Andrew scoffed, but didn’t say anything.
“Furthermore,” Aaron complained, “I haven’t dated in years. This is the first time I’m really—putting myself out there, and here you go, showing up and ruining things!”
Andrew’s eyebrows twitched. He said lowly, “I wouldn’t have to if you could identify a good person from a bad one. And me ruining your date,” he intoned mockingly, “wasn’t intentional. Don’t be so full of yourself.”
For the first time, Aaron seemed to register Neil behind them. His eyes narrowed, not unlike Andrew, and opened his mouth to say something but Andrew beat him to it.
“How’d you meet this one?” he asked. “Dating app?”
Aaron’s attention was successfully diverted as he took the bait. He snapped, “At the grocery store like a normal person. Then I posted a column in the local newspaper and she answered.”
That’s not possible, Neil thought.
“That’s not possible,” Andrew said.
Aaron looked at him suspiciously. “Why?” he asked.
Andrew didn’t answer immediately. Neil watched as Aaron grew increasingly restless. “Why not, Andrew?” he pushed.
“She already called,” Andrew said eventually, “and then didn’t show up.”
Aaron seemed to process that for a while, before he said dangerously slow, “Are you saying that you picked up my call, showed up to my date, and then didn’t tell me?”
Andrew’s expression didn’t change as he said, almost defensively, “She didn’t show up anyway. It wasn’t worth your time.”
“That’s not for you to decide!” Aaron hissed, like the only thing keeping him from screaming at the top of his lungs was the ginger that kept throwing him worried glances behind him.
“She flaked out once and then tried again,” Andrew attempted to change the subject. “That’s not trustworthy and you know it.”
“I don’t need your fucking help, Andrew.” Aaron’s mouth twisted. “It doesn’t matter if she’s trustworthy or not, that’s for me to find out. This fucking—attempt at control is something I thought you grew out of. I guess I was wrong.”
Andrew watched him walk away with an inscrutable look in his eyes. Neil shifted his weight to the other leg awkwardly, and finally whispered, “We should go.”
Andrew didn’t argue.
They rode back to Andrew’s house in silence, and when they reached the porch, Andrew sat on the bench instead of heading inside. Neil sat next to him without a word. When Andrew offered him a cigarette, he took it.
After some minutes, he said, “Me and Aaron used to have a deal back in college.”
Neil didn’t interrupt as Andrew continued, “We had each other’s backs. I stuck by him, and he stuck by me. I should’ve known he wouldn’t keep his promise when he cried at his mother’s funeral.”
When he didn’t say anything for a long while, Neil finally asked, “His mother?”
“When Tilda had twins, she decided to keep one of them and give the other one up to foster care. I was not the one she kept.”
Neil couldn’t wrap his head around that, couldn’t understand why anyone would do such a thing. He thought he could see now why Abby said Andrew was a Fox in everything but name. “How did she die?” Neil asked.
Andrew tilted his head to look at him. His eyes were heavy. “She hit him after I warned her not to,” he said. “I dealt with it.”
Neil’s heart jolted. He knew there was surprise on his face. Just when he thought he knew Andrew, another detail would surface that completed the puzzle just a bit more. It only took a little thought to see why Andrew would do such a thing. He, after all, had a protective streak in him. Neil had already known that.
Andrew searched his face for a few beats, and when he found nothing of note, turned back around.
“So what,” Neil said, “you couldn’t date anyone and he couldn’t either? Or did you stay away from everyone who wasn’t family?”
Andrew’s jaw worked, but he didn’t respond. Neil resisted the urge his eyes. “I’m guessing you can see how stupid that was now?”
Andrew blew out a ring of smoke and responded, “I’m not telling you these things so you can judge me.”
“Then why are you?” Neil asked.
Andrew didn’t answer, but this time, Neil got sick of his silence. “Why are you telling me these things, Andrew?”
Andrew exhaled. “I need you,” he said slowly, like pulling teeth, “to understand.”
Neil went quiet. He breathed in the acrid smell of nicotine in the air and did understand. Perhaps, for people like them, the only thing they really needed was a certain level of understanding. But Neil also knew how much it cost to trust someone with that.
He said, “When I was eight, my mother took me and ran. My father was a serial killer, and a well-connected one. He chased us everywhere we went. Eventually, he caught up to us. When I was sixteen, I saw my mother die right in front of me. My father made me watch. Then he tried to do the same with me.”
Andrew turned his head. Neil didn’t look at him as he said haltingly, “I didn’t let him. I was lucky he was the only one in the room at the time, but I didn’t know what to do after I killed him. So I called someone.”
Neil stopped there, and took another deep breath of the smoke lingering beside him. He let his own cigarette burn to the filter without taking a drag. Andrew gave him a look at that, but didn’t say anything.
Neil licked his dry lips, and then finally finished, “I knew I wouldn’t do well by myself, so I called my uncle and we worked something out. I didn’t want to go with him, and for some reason, he didn’t force me to. I changed my name and stayed in the foster care system for a year, and that’s where I met Kevin. He introduced me to track, to running for sport. I stayed in that house the longest, but—Kevin’s foster brother was an egoist with delusions of grandeur. I… dealt with him, and got emancipated a short while after. I followed Kevin to South Carolina, and then PSU, where he was looking for his father. Wymack was more than surprised when his son showed up at his doorstep, but they’re working on it now.”
Andrew looked at him. Neil looked back.
Andrew said, “I didn’t ask for your whole life story.”
Neil replied, “I gave it anyway. I’m working on this thing called honesty.”
“I hate every inch of you,” Andrew said, stubbing his cigarette out.
“Every time you say that,” Neil smiled, echoing his own words, “I believe you just a little less.”
“No one asked you,” Andrew grit, and then kissed him.
Neil’s brain malfunctioned, but somehow his mouth seemed to move before his thoughts did. Andrew kissed like their lives were on the line, like this was a fight he couldn’t afford to lose. Neil tasted cigarette smoke and vanished fears. It was over too soon. When Andrew retreated, Neil chased him for half a second before remembering himself.
“You like me,” he said dumbly, when he regained the ability to speak.
Andrew let out a breath. He rubbed a thumb against his reddened, spit-slick lip and didn’t answer. Neil’s gaze lingered for a moment too long, thoughts pleasant and hazy, before he remembered something important.
“I have something to tell you,” Neil blurted.
Andrew glanced at him with a raised eyebrow. “Regretting it already?” He said it casually, but there was an undercurrent of tension in his voice.
“I could never regret this,” Neil said, and then hesitated. “I just hope you won’t regret it.”
Andrew turned to face him. His eyes were narrowed and intent. “Spit it out,” he said.
Neil opened his mouth and then closed it again. He didn’t know how to phrase it. After a beat, he rubbed his face with his hand and sighed. “I was the one who called Aaron,” he rushed out.
Andrew’s expression went blank. Neil couldn’t read him.
He quickly explained, “I found the number in the newspaper he was talking about. Me and Kevin were bored so we called it and waited for you to show up. We were sitting on a bench nearby when you did. I hadn’t known you weren’t Aaron. Then I met you at the garage sale, and Renee called you Andrew, and I got curious—and I’m sorry.”
Neil took a breath and waited for the reaction.
Andrew was quiet for some time, before he got up and started unlocking the door to his house. Neil followed him and called out his name anxiously. “Andrew. Talk to me.”
Andrew only glanced up for long enough to say, “I need time,” before slamming the door shut.
Neil was so fucked.
“You are not fucked, Neil.” Kevin said impatiently. “I think he just needs time, like he told you.”
Neil crossed his arms and stared sullenly at the television. “I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t think I should’ve told him at that moment. I should’ve picked a better time.”
“Yeah,” Kevin agreed heartlessly, “but what’s done is done. Now you have to wait for him to process that you’ve been lying to his face for a few weeks.”
Neil pursed his lips.
The TV continued playing lacrosse for a while before Kevin said irritably, “If you’re going to stew in your miserable crush, do it somewhere else.”
“I don’t have a crush,” Neil snapped childishly.
Kevin huffed in disbelief. “Come on, you’ve been chasing after Andrew for no fucking reason like a dog after a treat, and now you’re irrationally upset that he’s mad at you. Don’t be such an idiot."
Neil contemplated that for a few heartbeats, before coming to the terrible conclusion that Kevin might have a point.
Kevin gave him a smug look at his silence. Neil flipped him the bird and said, “Shut up.”
Kevin was unbearable when he was right.
They sat in silence watching the TV, before Neil said, “He kissed me.”
Kevin whipped his head around. “He what?”
“Before I told him,” Neil said, “he kissed me. I didn’t want to lie to him by omission anymore.”
“Huh,” Kevin replied. “Maybe you are fucked.”
Neil was starting to believe he wasn’t quite as fucked as he initially thought.
For starters, though Andrew didn’t reply to any of his messages, he also didn’t block Neil either. Neil had to double check with Kevin, but that was besides the point. Neil made it a habit—or tried to anyway—to text Andrew something once every few days. He didn’t really want to be annoying, but he did want to remind Andrew that he was there and not going anywhere unless Andrew explicitly asked.
It was only during week two that Neil finally got a text back.
It was a simple: come over.
Neil immediately stood up amidst Matt and Dan’s confusion, Allison’s interest, and Kevin’s annoyance. He grabbed the first keys he saw on the counter and walked out the door fast enough that he only had time to say, “I’m borrowing your car, Dan!”
He vaguely heard her response, but didn’t stick around long enough to process it. He didn’t speed over to Andrew’s house, but it was close.
When he knocked, Andrew opened the door with narrowed eyes. “You stink,” he said unceremoniously.
Neil shrugged. “Allison was wearing perfume. I think it got all over me.”
“Tell her to buy better perfume,” Andrew said but opened the door wider.
Neil went inside without comment. He didn’t make it very far before asking, “What’s the verdict?”
Andrew glanced at him briefly on his way to the kitchen. “Verdict for what?”
“Don’t do that,” Neil said. “Just tell me.”
Andrew opened his refrigerator and took out a tub of ice cream. Neil patiently waited for him to wash a spoon, and when he sat on his counter, Neil asked, “Are you done being pissed?”
Andrew didn’t look up. “No,” he said.
“Then why am I here?” Neil crossed his arms.
“Because I need you to explain something very carefully, Neil.” Andrew replied. He squeezed the tub in his hands for a few moments, before looking up. “Why did you approach me?”
Neil frowned. “At the garage sale?”
Andrew flicked his fingers in acquiescence so Neil said without much thought, “I was curious. I wanted to know what compelled you to make such a sappy ad, but show up with such disinterest. When Renee called you Andrew, I grew more curious.”
He hesitated before tacking on, “For a long long time, I was really… really—well, bored. I never knew exactly how to control that boredom so I would seek out entertainment, sometimes extreme kinds, often with Kevin. We just tend not to understand a lot of the boundaries regarding that sort of thing or just not care. This time... this time it’s different.”
Andrew seemed to ignore that last sentence.
“And after that?” he asked, studying him intently. “You got your answers at the party. Why did you continue sticking around?”
“It wasn’t about finding answers anymore,” Neil said. “I didn’t care about that at that point.”
“What did you care about?” Andrew said, scooping up a spoonful of ice cream.
Neil tilted his head. His eyes sometimes shined a more vibrant blue in the dark, he knew. He said, “I think you know the answer to that.”
Andrew stared back at him blankly. Neil would’ve thought it to be confusion or rejection if Andrew hadn’t paused with the spoon halfway to his mouth.
“That’s not even a first,” Neil mused. “Do I finally get a prize for shutting you up?”
Andrew put the tub down and abandoned it on the counter. “Shut up,” he said unimaginatively, and then pulled Neil close enough to kiss him.
This time, Neil was a little more prepared but still woefully inept. Andrew bit his lip hard enough to sting, but Neil didn’t mind. He just opened his mouth wider and breathed as best as he could.
When Andrew finally withdrew, he didn’t let Neil go very far. He gripped the back of his neck and said lowly, “You will not lie to me again.”
“Okay,” Neil said. “If it means losing you, I won’t.”
Andrew’s eyebrows wrinkled but he didn’t say anything. After a heartbeat, he took a step back and said out of the blue, “Nicky’s been bothering me to throw another party.”
Neil didn’t understand the sudden change of topic, but agreed amicably anyway. “Alright.”
Andrew watched him closely. “He can be extraordinarily annoying when he wants to.”
“Sure,” Neil shrugged.
Andrew heaved a sigh and finally explained, “You can come or bring whoever. They just can’t get on my nerves.”
“Everyone gets on your nerves,” Neil snorted but still added, “I’ll come. Just don’t expect it to be a reoccurring thing.”
“I don’t do it often anyway,” Andrew lifted a shoulder.
Neil almost smiled at that. “Okay then,” he said. “Deal.”
It was only a few hours later when he was about to leave that he finally remembered to ask, “Did you really not know?”
Andrew leaned against the doorframe and after some consideration, admitted, “I suspected.”
“It was the car, wasn’t it?” Neil huffed out a breath.
Andrew gestured confirmation. “I remembered it. You were too obvious,” he said.
Neil rolled his eyes. “It’s a generic model, I didn’t think you’d recognize it.”
Andrew pointed to his head, and repeated. “I remembered.”
Neil turned that over in his mind for a few seconds, before something suddenly clicked. He looked at Andrew and said carefully, “Eidetic memory.”
Andrew flicked his fingers dismissively. “Yes,” he answered plainly.
Neil didn’t have time to be surprised because Andrew added, “It was the car and Nicky. He started rambling after you left. He insisted you and Kevin looked familiar.”
Neil pursed his lips at the implicit question in Andrew’s eyes. “We followed him around for a bit, thinking he and Erik were satanists. It was long before I met you. I wouldn’t have done it if I knew what I do now, but in my defense, they were wearing all black and had an umbrella indoors.”
Andrew's lips curled slightly in amusement. “Funeral attire,” he said.
Neil made a questioning sound, but Andrew didn’t explain. Neil let it go and instead asked, “What time do I have to be there?”
Andrew tilted his head and Neil clarified, “For the party?”
Andrew said, “Whenever. Just don’t bring anything.”
Neil didn’t know why he’d need to bring anything anyway so he nodded. “I’ll see you, Andrew.”
Andrew only gave him a two-fingered salute. Neil walked away knowing he’d always come back.
“Is that a stalker binder?” Kevin asked from the doorway.
Neil slammed the binder shut. “Learn how to fucking knock, and no, it isn’t.”
Kevin gave him a foul look. “I called for you twice. We’re going to be late if you don’t pick up the pace. Everyone’s already there.”
Neil stood up, dusted himself off, and muttered, “I wouldn’t be rushing if Andrew had told me it was his birthday today.”
Kevin rolled his eyes. “Too bad. You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”
Neil slammed his bedroom door shut, and snapped, “Don’t baby me. I’m not five.”
They walked out of the Tower insulting each other at a time and through the drive there.
Even before they knocked on the door, Neil could hear the noise from the porch. When Andrew opened the door, he was frowning and wearing one of those little birthday hats. The strings on his jaw left a red mark.
When he caught Neil looking at it, he said, “Nicky,” and nothing else. That itself was explanation enough, but Neil was surprised he’d actually obliged.
They entered the house and Neil instantly winced at the cluster and volume of people inside.
Sitting on one side was Jeremy, Jean, and some girls they knew. Right besides them was Matt, Dan, Allison, and unexpectedly, Renee. Neil frowned at that, but swiftly looked away. On the other side of the house was Aaron, Katelyn, Nicky and Erik. There were also some people Neil didn’t recognize in the kitchen, talking quietly beside Wymack and Abby—but Neil thought at least one of their names began with an L. The other maybe started with a D, but Neil wasn’t certain, and had no interest in finding out.[2]
There was another woman standing next to Abby. Neil figured she was Dobson—Bee, in Andrew’s words. His eyes skimmed past everyone, and then he turned to Andrew.
“Here,” he said, handing him a bag.
“I thought I said you didn’t need to get me anything,” Andrew replied, not taking it.
“Yeah,” Neil said, “and I’m giving you one anyway. I spent a whole four hours making it, so I would be really delighted if you accepted it.”
He shook the bag for a few seconds before Andrew finally deigned to grab it. “Do not expect a thank you,” Andrew said.
“Never,” Neil intoned.
The party wasn’t exactly long. For a few hours, Neil drifted from place to place, politely greeting people he knew, or hiding from those he didn’t. At one point, he ended up sitting on an armchair next to Andrew as he and the rest of his lot along with some of Neil’s friends played some kind of word game.
Ten minutes in, Allison accused Neil of helping Andrew cheat. Neil said, “Why would I do that? How would I do that?”
“Fine then, swear it on your life,” Allison said.
“I swear it on my life.” Neil replied dutifully.
“Swear it on Andrew’s,” Aaron said from across the table.
Neil shot him a dirty look and didn’t answer. There was a bit of an uproar after that, but Andrew ended up losing to Renee anyway so it didn’t really matter.
When it hit ten, Andrew finally got sick of waiting and started eating his cake. Nicky complained for a while, but Andrew just gave him the finger and left it at that. Aaron was also caught peeking at his gift bags early, so Nicky whined about that too. When it came time to actually open them though, the twins remained mostly expressionless except for the occasional eyebrow raise.
Andrew had opened Neil’s gift slowly, and when it was finally unveiled, he shot him a funny look. “A binder?” he asked.
“Open it,” Neil gestured.
When he did, he had found a collection of photos Neil had taken with the camera Andrew had bought and never used. Some were of Andrew himself, smoking a cigarette, watching TV, or doing otherwise mundane things—and some were of them both. Sometimes there were some pictures that didn’t have any people at all. He suspected those were Andrew’s favorite, because he lingered on them for longer.
Neil tried to read Andrew’s expression, but it was inscrutable. Andrew lifted his head after a moment, but didn’t say anything. After staring at each other for some odd seconds, Andrew finally gave a nod and placed it next to himself. Only then had Neil relaxed and shoved his hands into his pockets to hide their intermittent tremors.
He hadn’t had time to get Aaron a gift, which the latter complained about not unlike Nicky, but Neil didn’t pay much mind to him because he figured he could do that any other year. There was a jolt in his heart upon the initial thought, but it was fleeting. Neil realized he didn’t really care that he wanted to stay interminably; the thought no longer tasted like damnation, but instead held the flavor of a sort of salve.
By the time the night was over, and everyone was heading out, Neil hung around a little longer than usual. When Kevin looked at him questioningly, Neil only said: “I’ll be out in a bit.”
Kevin scrunched his nose but didn’t comment for once.
Andrew saw everyone out the door, but his hand lingered on Neil’s neck, so Neil stayed. As he watched everyone reach their cars, Andrew pulled something out of his pocket.
By the time Neil realized what it was, Andrew had already dropped it onto his hand. Neil stared down at the key, and felt like the world was spinning on its axis. He raised his head.
Neil looked at Andrew.
Andrew was already looking back.
Andrew, Neil thought, would probably always be looking back.
If you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.[3]
[1] from Tao Te Ching, chapter nine. John H. McDonald’s translation.
[2] yes, yes this is indeed a captive prince reference
[3] from Friedrich Nietzsche’s Beyond Good and Evil