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Wile E. Coyote (Eatius birdius) tapped his foot by the side of the road and stuck out his thumb. At that exact moment, an unfamiliar car pulled up alongside him, and Kevin leaned out the window with a frown. “How did you know it was me? This car is brand new.”
Wile E. opened his mouth, before deciding he didn’t really feel like talking yet, and pulling out a sign instead. “WE’RE IN THE DESERT” he flipped the sign as he pulled the back door open and hopped in. “PEOPLE DON’T HAVE NEW CARS”
“Ah… well, hopefully I wont for long. Just, try not to total this one, ok bud?” Wile E. chuckled and nodded, already knowing that wouldn’t be happening. He laid back, putting his feet up on the center console, and waved as Paige glanced back at him with a wide grin.
“Hey Wile E! You’re looking good!”
“THANK YOU”
Kevin glanced in the rearview mirror, pulling a U-turn, looking the coyote over. “You know, she’s right. You’re a lot less scrawny than you were when we met. Did you find a way to get more food?”
A devious smile stretched across the coyote’s face, and he rubbed his hands together so hard they squeaked, before holding up a sign for Paige to read aloud. “OH YES.”
Kevin patted him on the knee with a wide smile, already used to Coyote’s dramatics. “That’s great bud! I’m proud of you for getting more food.”
Paige reclined her seat back dangerously far so that she could look at both of them at once. “Hey! maybe that’ll help you run faster in the chase!”
Kevin nodded, keeping his eyes fixed on the road. “I always find I do better case work on a full stomach, so it might make your inventions work better too.”
“IT DEFINITELY HELPS. RUNNER DOESN’T SEEM SO FAST ANYMORE”
Paige finished reading out the sign and wiggled her eyebrows at Wile E. “Runner huh? You calling him cutesy names now? Are you sureee you want to eat him?”
“OH, VERY.”
Kevin sighed, rolling his eyes. “Don’t bother, I’ve been trying to talk him out of it since we met. Like I said at the trial, he never gives up.”
“Oh, but you can’t see him right now. He’s bright red!” Wile grabbed his ears, pulling them down to cover his face. Stupid cartoon physics that can make him blush straight through his fur.
“AM NOT.”
“Well… I suppose The Chase could be seen as a weird messed up kind of flirting?” Kevin frowned slightly, tapping his fingers on the wheel.
Wile E. rolled his eyes and turned to look out the window. “RUDE.”
Kevin turned himself around fully to look back at Coyote with wide eyes. “Wait, hold on! Is it actually flirting!?”
Wile E. rotated his neck 180 degrees to stare out the back window, and Paige squealed in excitement. “Oh my god! Does he know? I mean, he called you his friend in the trial!”
He narrowed his eyes at the road behind them, refusing to turn back until he heard the sound of a train whistle. Coyote let the tension out of his neck, letting it spin back to default design, and stared at the train they were currently driving directly towards. Kevin had somehow managed to turn off the road and onto the train tracks while none of them were looking.
Quickly, Wile E. leapt onto the center console, flinging the doors open and shoving the humans out of the car right before the train hit it, pulverizing the car and crushing Wile E. flat into the rails. He unstuck his arm, peeling himself off the tracks and sitting up, and made direct eye contact with The Road Runner (Acceleratti incredibilis) who was posed on the back of the train, smiling smugly.
The bird beeped and held up a sign before the train zipped out of sight towards Albuquerque. “HAVE FUN WITH YOUR FRIENDS!” he flipped the sign, looking even more smug “LOVE YOU”
Wile E. felt his entire body turn red at the exact moment Kevin and Paige pulled themselves up and looked at him, sitting in the middle of the wrecked car.
Paige laughed extatically straightening her shirt. “That was terrifying! I always wanted to almost get hit by a train!”
Kevin rolled out his neck with a groan, before glancing at the Coyote. “You ok bud? I’ve never seen you turn red before.” Wile E. was mercifully saved from having to explain himself by a second, more cartoonish train running him over and bouncing off the track.
The three of them hopped off the bus, Kevin finally getting off the phone with the car dealership, and entered the small diner that they had become regulars at in the last few months. Wile E. dropped into his side of the booth and pulled on his snout, finally getting the last of the wheel tracks to pop out of his face in a puff of soot.
Paige leaned across the counter with a grin, steepling her fingers in a very cartoonish way. “So, back to what we were saying before the train, is the chase actually flirting?” as she spoke, Wile E. held up the menu to the nearest server and tapped the chicken wings
Wile E. smiled back at her just as evilly. “The Chase. You are missing the emphasis.”
If the humans’ eyes could have popped out of their heads, they would have, as they both stumbled over their words, talking at the same time.
“You just said the sam- WAIT WHAT?? Since when- I- you can talk??”
“Hold on- what. Oh my god… YOU COULD HAVE TALKED THE WHOLE TIME??” Kevin slammed his fist on the table, glaring daggers at Coyote.
Wile E. shrugged loosely. “Do keep your voice down, I would like to eat before they kick us out. To answer your question, no, not exactly.”
Kevin lowered his voice to a whisper yell, still glaring at the coyote. “What does not exactly mean!”
“That is a rather long story.” The waiter dropped Coyote’s plate in front of him, and he began to tear into the chicken while the two humans continued to stare at him.
Paige was practically vibrating with excitement next to Kevins glaring face. “We have time!”
Wile E. sat up, wiping his face with a tissue. “My father is an excellent hunter and engineer, who has won many awards for his efforts. He wanted to raise me to be his equal or better, so, when I was an infant, he taught me many of the skills.”
Paige nodded excitedly, and Kevin rolled his eyes. “What does this have to do with you speaking?”
“Be patient my friend. I was getting there.” Wile E. leaned back, his grin turning even more wicked. “When I was about... oh, 3 in human years, he decided that I was not learning fast enough. So, he told me to never speak again, until I managed to catch a roadrunner. I met Roadie that day, and since then, I have been trying to catch him.”
He pulled the head feather he had stolen from the bird the first night they spent together from hammer space and picked bits of chicken out from between his teeth. The two humans stared at him in undisguised horror, gears clearly turning in their head.
Paige leaned forward first, a surprisingly soft look on her face, and placed her hand on top of his free paw. “Oh, that sounds horrible… I’m so sorry you had to deal with that Wile E. I’m glad you finally decided to stop listening to him.”
Kevin’s eyes, however, were fixed on the bright blue (Asparagus Flavored) feather Wile was still using to pick his teeth. “Wile E. Coyote. Please tell me that doesn’t mean what I think it does.”
Wile E. blinked at Paige, feeling moderately thrown off. “Um, well… thank you Paige.” As he spoke, he held up a sign to Kevin “DEPENDS” he flipped the sign “WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS” It had never occurred to the coyote that people might not see that as normal. Perhaps he should bring it up to The Road Runner, surely it was more normal for other toons.
“Wile E. Did you catch The Road Runner.” Kevin was looking more concerned by the second, and Paige’s eyes widened, locking on the feather.
“In that case, yes, it means exactly what you think it does. I managed to catch him earlier this week in fact.”
The humans both paled, and Kevin swore under his breath, which just sounded like dolphin clicking to the coyote’s ears. “I do corporate cases, not cartoon murder.” Kevin muttered, running his fingers through his hair.
Paige shifted uncomfortably in her seat, glancing at Kevin. “Well… he didn’t say anything about eating him… maybe he just… caught him?”
Wile E. chuckled evilly, quite enjoying the anxiety he was creating. “I haven’t eaten all of him yet, no. I wanted to make him last. What I have had so far was quite delicious however.” He picked up one of the chicken wings in front of him, lifting it to his mouth. “Did you know that roadrunner leg tastes like double martini to Coyote tastebuds?”
The diner began to rumble around them, and Wile E. knew the universe had decided that the joke was finished. As Kevin and Paige spluttered in horror, a new car pulled into the parking lot, a salesman stepping out with keys in hand, and the car was lifted up by Roadie’s tailwind, as he ran up to the window, smashing his head through the window and snatching the wing out of Wile E’s paw, swallowing it whole.
He beeped smugly, before racing away as Kevin’s new car exploded into a massive fireball, and Wile E. leapt through the window after him, leaving the roadrunner feather floating in the air where Coyote had been moments earlier.
The two humans stared at the coyote shaped dust cloud he had left behind, and Kevin groaned loudly. “He was fucking with us.” Wile E’s arm stretched back through the him shaped hole left in the window and snatched his feather back up as Paige started to cackle.
That's all Folks!