Chapter Text
Morning came and Anders felt about as awful as he had expected to, as he forced himself out of bed at Pounce’s insistence. As far as drunken nights went, last night hadn’t been the wildest but he was still feeling the effects as he filled Pounce's bowl, then went to get a glass of water. It was only as he returned to his room and his gaze fell on his phone left on the bed that a fuzzy memory from before he’d fallen asleep came back to him.
Feeling panicked, he grabbed the phone and, switching the screen on, he found it still open on the message he’d sent the night before.
He’d texted Hawke.
After weeks of putting off responding to his last message because it had been too much to even try to think of what he should say, he’d just gone and done it while he was drunk. And not just that, at a time of night when it couldn’t be anymore obvious that he had been.
Hawke hadn’t responded.
Anders wondered if he should say something else. Apologise for bothering him. Or would that just make it worse?
He groaned, got back into bed and buried his face in his pillow, wishing for either himself or the rest of the world to simply disappear.
The rest of the day didn’t improve much. Eventually, Anders decided not to text Hawke again, but he second guessed himself more than once. The hours went by and he tried to distract himself and not look at his phone but he was all too aware of the lack of response from Hawke.
He knew Hawke was still upset because Varric had told him he was, so it was likely his message had just made things worse.
Perhaps it didn't know how to feel about that, beyond the sickening way his insides twisted.
Perhaps as for the best that Hawke had decided to ignore him. They both stood a better chance of moving on that way, after all.
By the time evening came, Anders had given up on expecting to hear from him. So it set his whole body on edge when his phone buzzed with a message just as he was beginning to think about heading to bed.
It was probably Surana, he thought as he reached for it. But the message was from Hawke.
Are you so sure it could never work between us?
Anders’ stomach lurched.
Maker, it was his own stupid fault for sending the message in the first place, but the way all his resolve that this was for the best wanted to crumble. Why was Hawke doing this? He should have kept ignoring him. It was the only wise choice for them now.
And yet…
I don’t know, Anders found himself typing. I don’t know if I’ve ever been sure of that.
It was an even stupider thing to tell him than the apology he’d sent while drunk. But he felt weak, wanted to know what Hawke was thinking. He pressed send.
He waited and watched as there was a long pause and then Hawke began typing, just for a minute before stopping again. No message came through.
Anders felt sure then that he’d made a mistake.
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have messaged you last night. I know I’m just making it harder for both of us.
He sent the apology.
For a long time, Hawke didn’t reply. Anders sat back and regretted so many of the decisions that had led to this point.
He was about ready to give up on waiting when Hawke’s reply finally appeared, Just let me know if you figure out what you want.
A sense of shame crept over him seeing the message. At how tired Hawke must be of everything Anders kept putting him through. It probably just went to show how much better off really Hawke was without him, even if he didn’t realise it now.
The message seemed clear enough though. Hawke didn’t want to hear from him unless he could be what he wanted him to be. It all felt as hopeless as it ever had.
Anders was back at work the next day and had managed to pull himself together somewhat. Enough to pass for a competent doctor at least, even if his friends at the clinic sometimes looked at him as though they could see right through the facade to the mess underneath.
The day had gone normally enough, and it was getting close to closing when Merrill appeared at the door to his office, looking worried.
“Someone came here asking for you. I don’t think he’s a patient and he seems very grumpy. Do you want to talk to him, or should I try and make him go away?” Merrill was looking rather distinctly as though she would prefer for Anders to deal with whoever this was, which was worrying.
Anders had a sinking feeling as he put aside the paperwork he’d been looking over and got up to follow Merrill into the waiting room.
Anders almost knew what to expect when he arrived. There was no reason for Aristide Amell to be standing in the waiting room to his clinic and yet, here he was.
“I told him we’re about to close, but he said he needed to speak to you,” the receptionist explained.
“I don’t believe I have anything to say to you,” Anders said, fighting against the dread that had settled inside him, just to talk.
“I simply expect you to listen. Then we’ll see how much you have to say.”
“No. I’m working. This is my clinic. You don’t get to barge in here and order me around. I want you to leave.”
Anders was just glad that it was late enough that the patients had left. They had just been finishing up before closing. Not that he was much happier about his staff having to witness this. Or the thought of what he might say in front of them.
Aristide stared at him coldly. “I can say my piece here or in private, it is your decision but I have no intention of leaving before I’ve said it.”
Anders felt anger rise in him as he realised that he may not have a choice if he didn’t want this man to reveal the nature of his relationship with Hawke to the others present. He turned to Merrill and the receptionist and said, with audible frustration, “You can get your things and go home. I can deal with this and close up by myself.”
The two of them stared at him, clearly wondering what was going on and why Anders didn’t want them in on it, but his tone must have brooked no argument because with a glance at one another, they moved to gather their belongings.
“At least wait for them to leave,” Anders said, trying to inject some authority into his tone, despite the imposing figure in front of him.
Aristide gave him that, at least. The pair collected their belongings from one of the back rooms and headed out. As they left, Merrill turned to him, “Are you sure you’ll be alright? You don’t need anything…?”
Anders shook his head. “No, Merrill. It’s fine. This shouldn’t take long.”
At least he hoped it wouldn’t. That Aristide would say whatever he wanted and leave. But he somehow doubted it would be that easy. A sense of dread had settled inside him at the thought of whatever it was he might want.
Reluctantly, she left and Anders turned his glare upon Aristide Amell. “Well?”
“I’ve come to find out what it is going to take to get you to stay away from my grandson.”
Anders blinked, wondering for a moment if he could have misheard. But he didn’t think so. “Not much,” he replied, “considering that we haven’t been together for weeks.”
“You should know that I will not tolerate being lied to. I have seen for myself how his performance at work has been slipping. What other conclusion am I to draw from that than you taking up his time and attention?”
“I just told you, we broke up.” Anders couldn’t quite believe how unmoved the old man appeared by this, as though he couldn’t conceive of the idea of Hawke simply being upset. “Seriously? That’s your answer. He’s sad! From what I heard, he’s completely miserable. Not that I’ve seen it first hand, since I’ve hardly spoken to him in weeks. But it doesn’t take a genius to put it together.”
“It’s complete nonsense,” Aristide dismissed him. “My grandson isn’t sabotaging the company because he’s heartbroken over some common whore. Much more likely, you’ve been leeching away at his focus just as you have his money. I want it to stop.”
Anders could remember how it felt the first time he had met Hawke’s grandfather, the panic that had risen in him the moment it became clear that he knew him and knew exactly what he was doing with Hawke. He’d felt something like that at the sight of him standing in the clinic waiting room. Now he felt that feeling slip away, replaced by sudden blinding outrage, because how dare this man come into his clinic to hurl insults and demands at him?
As Anders stared at him, too angry for words, he went on, “I’ll give you one chance. End things with my grandson, or I will make you regret ever having anything to do with him. I will make it public how you set out to seduce him to take his money for your own ends.”
“That is not how it happened.”
“The details are irrelevant. I have proof that you accepted money from him and put it into this farce of a clinic and my legal team can make sure that the press believe whatever version of the story I want them to. It won’t matter how you attempt to twist the truth in your favour.”
“You bastard-” Anders began, so angry he could hardly get the words out.
“Or, you can agree to cease contact with Garrett and that will be the end of things.”
The rage that had been bubbling within him hit boiling point with that. He couldn’t believe how suddenly he understood his friends’ exasperation with him over the past few weeks. They had been right all along, none of this had been like him, letting some rich asshole threaten him into compliance. Anders knew he was a mess, but he at least had more pride than that.
And it wasn't just the insult to him, it was the sheer disregard for Hawke. This man was Hawke’s grandfather, and for whatever reason that mattered to Hawke, but it was very clear that Hawke didn’t matter to him, not as anything more than a pawn in his business. Not only were his feelings irrelevant, Aristide didn’t seem to believe he was capable of having any. Maybe once Anders had thought something similar, but now he knew the truth of how loving he could be, how much more sensitive he was than he let on. And Aristide’s dismissal of that made him furious.
“I have not been seeing him,” he seethed. “Not for weeks. But even if I was, I have no intention of bowing to any more of your threats. Get out! I want nothing more to do with you. And if Garrett had any sense he would tell you the same! You're his grandfather, but you don't even seem to care about his well being, just how it affects your company or your image. And for some unfathomable reason he just goes along with it.”
Aristide’s eyes blazed, though he didn’t shout back. He gave the appearance of someone calculating. Perhaps even considering the truth of his words. Anders didn’t care either way, he just wanted him gone.
“If I discover you are lying to me, you know now what will happen. You cannot say I haven’t warned you.”
“Fuck. Off. Get out of my clinic!” Anders told him.
For a moment he wondered if he would refuse, but to Anders’ relief he turned and headed towards the exit.
Anders’ heart was pounding as he watched Aristide leave and climb into a car that was waiting outside. He couldn’t calm down even as he watched it drive away.
Perhaps he should have been afraid, even more so than he had been when he’d ended things with Hawke. But things felt oddly clear to him now in the anger that had overtaken him.
With how far he’d come, how much he’d survived to get to where he was now, there was no chance he was going to let someone as self-serving as Aristide Amell push him around. Whatever consequences came of it, he would go down fighting rather than give in again.
Anders closed the clinic but even as he headed back to his flat and fed Ser Pounce-A-Lot, he still couldn't shake the sense of outrage that had come over him. He felt restless with it, like he needed to do something to rid himself of it, but nothing he could do around the flat felt quite right.
He thought about going for a walk. He wasn't sure about what good it would do, but it sounded better than stewing in his flat. He hadn’t taken off his shoes, or even changed out of the scrubs he’d worn at the clinic, but he couldn’t bring himself to care, instead simply grabbing his keys and heading for the door.
When he pulled it open, for a moment, he thought he might be imagining things. Because he couldn’t think why else Hawke might be standing there. A second passed. Anders stared at him and he didn’t disappear, just stood there, staring back as though he was somehow just as surprised to see him.
“Hawke?” Anders questioned. Somehow all the anger had rushed out of him at the sight of him. Perhaps it was the surprise that had chased it away. Or maybe it was relief.
Because after weeks of agonising, of trying to convince himself it was for the best that they had parted, all while aching for him, needing him like he’d never realised he could, Hawke was finally there in front of him. Looking as stunning as he ever had. Anders had to fight the instinct to rush forward and pull him into his arms.
He didn’t think he’d ever wanted to kiss him as badly as he did now.
“I… My grandfather was here,” Hawke replied, like that was his explanation. Anders supposed it worked well enough as one.
“He was,” he forced out, while trying to remind himself to keep his cool at least until Hawke finished explaining.
Hawke was frowning now, but the anger behind it clearly wasn’t directed at Anders. “I’m sorry. Are you alright?”
And there, with the anger, was concern, which was for him. Anders felt that familiar tightness in his chest that came whenever he thought of Hawke lately.
“Did you come here to check on me?”
“Yeah,” Hawke looked uncertain. “I was worried, but maybe I shouldn’t have. I don’t want to cause more problems for you.”
“What from your grandfather? Fuck him.” Hawke seemed surprised by that response and Anders softened. “I’m… glad to see you.”
Hawke’s brow furrowed and Anders could see some emotion there, barely held in check. He seemed wary, as though he wasn’t sure Anders really meant it. Anders felt a sharp spike of regret at all he’d done to damage the already tentative trust between them.
“Would you come inside?”
Anders stepped back to give Hawke room to pass but he didn’t move.
“Weren’t you going somewhere?”
“Not really. I thought I’d go for a walk. I thought it might calm me down after the visit your grandfather paid me. But I’m not sure I need it anymore.”
Hawke seemed to understand what he was implying, but hesitated still.
“I’m not sure it’s a good idea.”
“Please,” Anders said, not even thinking about it. He just couldn’t stand the thought of watching Hawke walk away again. “Why did you come here if not to talk?”
Hawke couldn’t seem to argue with that and Anders watched his resolve give way as he sighed and stepped past him into the building.
Anders’ heart raced as Hawke brushed by him and he followed him up to his flat.
Inside, he felt suddenly embarrassed, seeing the mess he’d forgotten about. He hadn’t exactly been in the mood to tidy over the past few weeks.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t been expecting anyone.” Anders started grabbing the various things he’d left scattered over the couch so that Hawke would have room to sit.
“It’s fine,” Hawke replied, seeming uninterested in the apology. “What did my grandfather say to you?”
He didn’t sit, just stood there waiting for a reply, looking stern and so unfairly gorgeous. Anders was left hovering with a pile of dirty plates and clothes he’d tried to move out of Hawke’s way.
“He’s a piece of work, I’ll tell you that,” he said, then awkwardly shoved the mess onto the nearest free surface. “He threatened me. Accused me of seducing you to get your money and making you sabotage his business. He wouldn’t even believe that I hadn’t seen you in weeks, like he couldn’t even understand the idea of someone being negatively impacted by their emotions. It had to be me distracting you.”
“You shouldn’t have had to deal with that,” Hawke muttered. “What did he threaten you with exactly?”
“Exactly what I thought he would. Making it public, creating a scandal with you as the victim. He wants to ruin mine and the clinic’s reputation.”
“Anders, I’m sorry, I’ll make sure it doesn't come to that. Whatever it takes.”
“I don’t know if I care anymore,” Anders said simply, cutting off Hawke’s assurances.
“What? Why?”
“Garrett, that man is nothing more than an egotistical, manipulative bully. He’s already done a number on you and I won’t be the next person to be threatened into submission by him. Whatever that means for the clinic, I’ll figure it out, but it’s not up to him to come into my clinic and start making demands about who I’m allowed to spend time with.”
Hawke stared at him, in what looked to Anders like a strange mixture of fear and wonder. “You told him that?”
“I told him to get the fuck out and never step foot in my clinic again.”
Hawke shook his head, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “But it was already over. Like you wanted. You could have just told him that. You could have agreed to his terms. It wouldn’t have changed anything for you.”
“And what about the next time he decides you aren’t performing well enough for his liking and decides to blame me again?”
“I’ll know better for next time. I’ll do better. I’ll make sure he doesn’t bring you into it.”
“Garrett,” Anders said seriously, “You should not have to deal with this any more than I do. You deserve better than what he’s put you through.” Hawke just frowned instead of answering. Like he couldn’t argue. Anders had to ask, “You’ve been letting him push you around for so long and I still don’t understand why.”
“I didn’t know how to explain,” Hawke muttered. “Or I did, but I couldn’t make myself say it, or anything about him, or… what happened with Carver. It was easier to take my frustration out on you.”
It took a moment to piece together what he meant. But there was only one time that Hawke had really become angry with him for prying into the situation with his family. That evening, driving back from his mother’s house.
“That’s what that was about? When you snapped at me for asking why you didn’t look for another job? It’s because of Carver?”
Hawke didn’t answer, but the pain in his expression said everything.
“Was he holding this over you? Using your guilt over what happened to your brother to control you?”
Hawke rubbed his hand over his face and couldn’t seem to look Anders in the eye. Anders thought he would refuse to answer again but eventually he spoke and it was plain in his voice just how difficult it was to talk about, “At first it felt like what I wanted. To make it up to them, mother and Bethany especially. But when he started talking about me getting married without even asking if it was what I wanted… I was so angry but I couldn’t find the words to say it. I never felt able to tell him how I felt. At least, until I heard how he spoke to you that night at the party and I was too angry to even think before I acted.”
Anders took a step towards Hawke, not caring for any distance he had deliberately put between them. Because he should never have had to deal with this alone. He reached out his hand and clasped Hawke’s arm as he said, “I’m glad you stepped in. You were right to stand up to him. I still think you should tell him the rest too.”
Hawke’s brow furrowed, but after a long pause he said, “You’re right.”
“What happened to Carver was an accident. He has no right to hold it over your head. Garrett, you deserve so much better than that.”
The way Hawke looked at him then, Anders had the feeling no one had ever said that to him before and he felt another rush of defensive anger come over him.
“And you should be free to be with whoever you want to be with. That is your choice, and no one should try to take it away from you.”
This time Hawke let out a bitter laugh. “But what if he doesn’t want me?”
Up until that moment, Anders had become so focused on Hawke, on the situation with his grandfather and what he was going through, that he’d almost forgotten about the past few weeks of agonising over the thought of never seeing Hawke again. But now here he was, in front of him, giving him every indication that he still had a chance.
“Then he’s an idiot.”
Hawke raised an eyebrow. His expression suggested he thought that was a poor joke. Anders knew he had to do better.
“I want you,” he whispered. Because somehow he was still afraid to admit it. Even after the realisation that he wasn’t going to let Hawke’s grandfather push him around, it was still somehow harder to face this.
Maybe because it involved admitting to himself why the thought of agreeing to those terms was so painful. It would have been easier to agree to never see Hawke again, if that was what he wanted. But it wasn’t. It never had been.
“I’ve been an idiot. And a coward. This whole time trying to tell you to stand up to your grandfather, while I can’t even admit my own feelings to myself.”
“Have you figured it out now?” Hawke’s voice was soft, hesitant, like he was almost as afraid as Anders felt.
Anders looked up into his eyes. They were such a warm brown. Anders used to think of his expression as cold but that didn’t feel like the case anymore. There was so much feeling behind the perpetual frown he wore. Feelings for him that seemed so intense Anders had done everything he could not to acknowledge them.
Perhaps because if he let himself think about it, let himself accept it for even a moment, he’d realise he felt the same way.
And that was terrifying.
But perhaps with Hawke beside him it could be less so.
Anders still had his hand resting on Hawke’s arm. He flexed his fingers, drawing strength from the solid warmth beneath his hand, as though to remind himself of what he’d almost lost and what he could no longer deny he wanted back.
“I think I’m in love with you,” he admitted. “I think I have been for all this time and I was just afraid to acknowledge it because of the situation we were in. Because I didn’t think it could work out and the thought of letting you in and then losing you was too much.”
For a moment, Hawke just looked at Anders while he babbled as though he was struggling to process what he was hearing.
Then he reached for him, cupped his face and pulled Anders’ lips down towards his own, effectively cutting off the stream of anxious thoughts that had come pouring out with his confession.
As soon as their lips met, Anders melted into it. Though it took a moment for his mind to catch up, his body reacted instinctively, his arms reaching up to wrap around Hawke and pull him in close. All while his head spun, trying to process the fact that Hawke was here, kissing him, after all those weeks of trying to convince himself to accept what he’d lost. It turned out he hadn’t lost it at all.
After a couple of minutes Hawke pulled away to murmur against his lips, “I love you.”
The last time he’d said it, it hadn’t been right. Now it was. It felt so right the doubt slipped from Anders’ mind. “I love you,” he whispered back. “Garrett, I love you so much.”
Hawke kissed him again hard, his grip turning possessive in a way that thrilled Anders. Especially when a few minutes later, he pulled back far enough to look Anders in the eye as he said fiercely, “I will stand up for you. Whatever happens, you aren’t going to take the fall for whatever plan my grandfather has cooked up to punish me. You won’t lose the clinic. Or me.”
A couple of days ago, Anders wouldn’t have believed it could be possible, but now, with Hawke, he felt like they could do anything.
“I’m sorry for doubting you.”
“I gave you enough reason.”
“No,” Anders disagreed. “You’ve supported me over and over and I kept latching on to any excuse to push you away. I won’t do that any more.”
He loved the soft, hopeful look that had come over Hawke’s face. “Good,” he said simply and leaned in to kiss him again.
Anders clung to him afterwards, relishing the feeling of being able to hold Hawke close again. That and the relief of having finally decided to let himself have this.
“Will you stay?” he asked with his face buried in Hawke’s neck.
“Now? Or in general?” Hawke asked softy, while his hands rubbed comforting circles on Anders’ back.
“Both.”
Hawke was quiet for just long enough that Anders grew concerned. He pulled back at the sound of a sigh, wondering why Hawke seemed uncertain of the answer. If that meant he was having doubts.
“Staying tonight might not be the best idea. I need to talk to my grandfather. Find a way of making sure he doesn’t come after you again. But I’ll figure it out and once I do you’ll have me for as long as you want me. No more contracts. I want to be with you for real.”
There was a fierceness in Hawke’s gaze as he spoke that made all of Anders' doubts shrivel away to nothing. He could admit it now, this was what he had hoped for but never quite let himself believe he could have. The emotion welling up in him was too much to even let him speak. He nodded, then surged forward, kissing Hawke desperately.
He stepped back a few minutes later, only to take Hawke’s hand. “You’re already here now. It won’t make a difference if you stay just a little while longer.”
That, Hawke couldn’t seem to argue with. Nor did he seem to want to as he allowed Anders to lead him through to his bedroom.
Inside, Hawke pulled him close and kissed him urgently. He tugged at Anders’ clothes, making it clear how he wanted rid of them and Anders was only too happy to comply. As he quickly pulled his shirt off, Hawke did the same, then stepped close to kiss him again as he reached for the tie on his trousers.
It felt different than all the other times they had done this. There were no games this time, just a desperate need to feel the other closer and to make up for the time they had lost.
Once their clothes were off, Anders stumbled back towards the bed, dragging Hawke with him. He fell back against the mattress and Hawke climbed over him, placing his legs on either side of Anders’. He stopped in place for a moment then, breaking the speedy momentum for the first time since they had begun just to look at him.
Anders allowed himself a moment to pause. Yes, he wanted this, badly. He had been aching for it for weeks already but something in the way Hawke was looking at him reminded him to breathe. He lay back on the bed, his chest already heaving, and peered up at Hawke, and the way he was looking back down at him made it clear how he had missed him. The same way Anders had.
He realised that for the first time he wasn’t running in some way. He didn’t have to because for the first time he could admit that he and Hawke both wanted the same thing. It didn’t lessen the urgency of his desire but it heightened it. So when he reached for Hawke and pulled him close, into another desperate kiss, it wasn’t just a way of running from his feelings, the way it had been so many times in the past. It was just to feel him there, to delight in the heat of his skin, and the weight of him pressing him down into the mattress. The hard length of his cock jutting into him and the promise of what it would feel like inside him.
Hawke seemed much too busy with kissing Anders to allow him to communicate his needs with words, so instead he clutched at his back, digging his fingers in as he rolled his hips upwards, moving his own hard cock against Hawke’s.
Hawke gasped into his mouth.
“Garrett,” Anders moaned in reply. “I need you.”
Hawke didn’t waste any more time. Anders’ bedroom was messier than the previous times he’d been here but it didn’t stop him from finding the lube quickly enough. He repositioned himself so that he was between Anders’ legs and reached down to find his entrance with hastily slicked up fingers.
He watched Anders’ face as he pushed them inside and it was clear how he enjoyed the pleasure it brought him. Anders clung to him, his fingertips biting into the skin on Hawke’s back. He prepared Anders carefully but quickly, as Anders pulled his mouth back to his own, needing whatever contact he could get.
It was so good, so right, being back with Hawke like this, but he needed more. As good as his fingers felt, it wouldn’t be enough until Hawke was properly inside him.
Fortunately, Hawke didn’t seem to want to draw this part out any more than Anders did. At Anders’ first, “I’m ready… Garrett, please…” Hawke kissed him once more, hard, and then withdrew.
Anders watched, feeling lightheaded with the force of his need as Hawke sat back and began to slick himself up. He found himself fending of far too many different thoughts, wanting to reach out and take over the task himself, to drag his tongue along the length of him, even as he just wanted Hawke to get over here already and fuck him.
When he finally did, the moan Anders let out might have been embarrassing if he could find it within himself to think of anything but how it was to feel Hawke sliding into him like this again. He pushed all the way in, until his hips were flush against Anders’ arse and as Anders clutched at whatever parts of Hawke he could reach, adjusting to the feeling of being so wonderfully full, Hawke peered down at him and murmured. “I missed you.”
“I- I missed you too,” Anders gasped. “Maker…. I missed you so much.”
Hawke drew back his hips and thrust into him once, making Anders cry out again. His eyes gleamed with satisfaction at the sound, at how utterly he had claimed Anders.
Because Anders was his, had been for so long already. And there was no part of him that wanted to fight that any longer.
“Promise me you won’t leave me again.”
In the moment, it was far too easy a promise to make, almost as though he had read Anders’ mind. “I won’t. Never again, Garrett.”
Hawke leaned down and pressed a rough, possessive kiss against his lips. Anders' hands scrambled to tangle in his hair and hold him there, kissing back just as hungrily.
Then Hawke could seem to wait no longer. He pulled free of Anders’ grip on his hair and began to fuck him with all the pent up need they had both been feeling through the past weeks. Perhaps even longer, because something about this felt different. Anders felt stripped bare more than just physically. He hadn’t just been saying that a moment ago, he’d never been so honest, either with Hawke or with himself. He never wanted to be parted from Hawke again if he could help it.
“Tell me you love me,” Hawke demanded, just as Anders began to feel like he was getting close.
“I do, Garrett. I love you.”
Hawke wrapped his hand around Anders’ cock, stroking in time with his thrusts. It was all so much, having Hawke back with him again, taking over all of his senses. The weight of his body over him, the intense heat, and how full he felt with Hawke buried deep inside him. His touch was possessive as his hands wrung every bit of pleasure they could get from his body. It didn’t take much from there to send him over the edge. The only warning he could give Hawke was a stuttering gasp and his nails digging into the muscle on his back as he began to spill over his stomach.
“Fuck, yes,” Hawke muttered as he worked Anders through it. “I missed seeing you like this… so beautiful…”
Even as he spoke his breaths became ragged, like the sight of Anders unraveling, the way his body tensed and flexed around him that drove him to his own climax with just a couple more thrusts.
Anders barely gave him time to catch his breath before trying to drag him down into a kiss. One just as needy as the first, as though he still hadn’t had enough to satisfy the need to be closer to Hawke. Though, after several weeks apart, and with what he had now realised, it was hardly surprising.
Hawke seemed to have no objection, kissing him back with the same fervour. Gradually the urgency of it lessened, becoming something sweet and tender, and so loving Anders didn’t know how he could have fled from the feeling for so long.
It was hard to wrap his mind around the sense of elation that had come over him. Anders had been unhappy for so long that he’d forgotten how it felt to feel otherwise. That was probably why it was so terrifying, why it had never seemed like it could last.
But he was done running, done fearing. When Hawke looked at him the way he did then, as he pulled back from the kiss and gazed tenderly down at him, Anders felt braver than he ever thought he had. Despite the mistakes Hawke had made, Anders was surprised to realise that he trusted him more than he had thought he could.
Perhaps it wasn’t a lack of trust in Hawke that had been the problem.
Slowly, Hawke rolled off Anders and onto his side on the bed next to him. Anders turned over to face him and sighed at the comforting warmth as Hawke’s arms settled around his waist. He tangled their legs together, still wanting as much contact as he could get, while Hawke traced a light finger over his bare skin, making him shiver.
“Are you good?” Hawke asked so gently it made Anders smile.
“I’m good.”
He really meant it too, but Hawke looked at him searchingly.
“You haven’t changed your mind?”
It hurt a little that he felt the need to ask that, but Anders supposed, after everything, he couldn’t blame him.
“No, Garrett. I’m not changing my mind.” He looked him in the eye, thinking that while he’d decided to trust Hawke, it might be difficult to regain after he’d been so inconsistent. “I love you. I mean it.”
Hawke looked at him carefully, then leaned in to kiss him the same way.
“I didn’t think I could feel this way,” he admitted quietly after. It sounded like something that was difficult to admit, the kind of vulnerability that didn’t come easily to Hawke. But Anders could understand that.
He’d only ever truly opened up with Karl before. It would take time to feel entirely safe doing so with Hawke, but seeing the efforts Hawke went to helped.
“I didn’t think I would again,” Anders managed, not without difficulty. “I didn’t even want to admit it was possible. I was afraid.”
“I can understand that.”
“You always seemed as though you knew exactly what you wanted from the beginning.”
Hawke didn’t argue with that. “There was always something about you. You’re special.”
Anders couldn’t help but give a slight shake of his head. “I don’t know how you came to that conclusion but I can’t deny I’m glad that you did. Even if I didn’t always act that way.”
“I forgive you,” said Hawke far too easily. Perhaps he realised that because he amended, “If you’ll stick with me.”
“I will,” Anders told him, and if his voice shook a little it wasn’t any lack of earnestness, it was just the knowledge that this was going to change things. For the better, Anders hoped. Because that was something he’d decided to do now. “Whatever comes next, we’ll figure it out.”
Hawke nodded, looking serious. Then he closed the distance between them to kiss him and Anders felt the love in it and offered the same back to him in return.