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Harry knows it is a dream.
It is one of those dreams when you are aware you’re sleeping and you know what’s happening is not actually happening in the real world. It’s almost like you’re watching from another person’s point of view.
When he stretches his arms and groans because the sunlight is right on his face he already knows that he’s not in his bed, which is not that bad, right? It’s a good bed. It’s pretty big, only for one person, the sheets are soft, the room is warm and it feels like a Sunday. He felt tired, but the good kind of tired, when you know you have nothing to do and you can stay in bed all day.
He decides to take a look around the room. The windows go from top to bottom and the closet is almost as big as the wall on his left. The woody floor shines and he swears he can hear the ocean, even smell the ocean. He’s smiling as this is so relaxing, even when he doesn’t understand the meaning of this dream, he enjoys it.
In that moment the bathroom’s door opens – he assumes it the bathroom – and a naked man comes out of it. And he’s shook, not because is a man, I mean it is pretty obvious he had sex, he is naked, the bed is a mess and his muscles hurt, also he loves men as much as he loves women. It’s the man standing in front of him smiling so big with the sparkle in his eyes what has him shook because that man is Niall. A very naked Niall. His best friend since he can remember and his roommate, Niall.
And fuck. It’s not like they haven’t seen each other naked, for god’s sake, they live in the same flat but this was so different. His broad shoulders, his chest hair, his arms, his stomach and his fucking hairy legs. When Niall turned to close the door, Harry couldn’t take his eyes off his ass.
“You’re staring” Niall says with a laugh.
He can feel his whole face going red and turns his head to the windows so fast that he felt like he broke his neck. Niall laughs very loud and Harry remembers this, so he turns to look back at him slowly smiling.
“You just took my breath away”
Niall smiles so tenderly that Harry can actually feel his heart trying to leave his body to get into Niall’s hands, like that is its rightful place. Niall untangles his brown hair with his fingers when Harry sees it. A golden ring on his right hand and for a second he takes a deep breathe, and then he looks at his hand to find the exact same ring. They’re married.
“You always have that look on your face when you see our rings like you’re afraid they’re gonna disappear from our fingers.”
He starts walking to the bed, towards him. The way he looks at him is so seductive, as if l he knows that he has Harry wrapped around his finger. Almost like he has the power to make him the happiest man on earth or destroy his world with just one word.
“I am” Harry says because right now he is terrified he wouldn’t have this.
Harry is in some kind of spell. He can barely talk and he can’t move, his breathing is fast and he can hear his heart in his ears. Niall lays on top of him and Harry prays he doesn’t hear how fast his heart is beating. He decides to do something his Niall loves just to check and see if this is the same Niall. He plays with his hair and knows it’s him by the way he moans.
Niall looks up to him, biting his lips and making him hard in a matter of seconds. Harry holds his breath until Niall kisses him slowly, biting his bottom lip and taking his time. He’s smiling into the kiss, pulling his hair because it’s long again and making him moan and tremble. Harry places his hand on his neck as Niall sits on his lap, thrusting their hips, and making noises that Harry has never heard before. He’s wishing he could hear them for the rest of his life.
“I want you Harry,” Niall whispers softly. “I love you”
*
Harry wakes up sweating and with the biggest boner he has ever had.
*
“You’re staring, mate,” Niall says, barely talking while he’s chewing.
Harry’s eyes widen and he almost chokes on his pancakes Liam pats his back while Louis laughs like it’s the best thing that’s happen in a while, which is probably the case. It’s the last year in college for most of them and that can be really stressful.
“Sorry” Harry says while he can feel his face heat up.
Niall gives him a look, the one with one eyebrow raised and a little smirk. Harry looks at his plate and takes a sip of his milk. He had to spend thirty minutes in the shower trying to cool himself down without touching his dick as he was thinking about Niall. He failed. Now he can’t even look him in the eyes.
“Are you ok?” Niall asks softly as he gives him a worried look.
Niall seems concerned at that makes Harry feel even worse. Now he sounds concern and that makes him feel worse. It’s not Niall’s fault Harry dreamed of him being naked on his lap kissing him like his life depended on it.
“He’s fine Niall. He just realized you’re his one and only true love like we’ve been saying for years,” Louis says with a grin.
Harry slaps him on the back of his head.
“I’m fine Ni, just really grateful for my pancakes,” he says quickly to calm him down.
“I’m also grateful, but I’m not undressing you with my eyes.”
Now it’s Liam who slaps Louis. It was Sunday and they had nothing to do. It was one of those few occasions when they could spend time with each other. It was nice.
Niall starts playing with his food, cutting the pancakes as he spreads the bananas and blueberries around on his plate.
“Something on your mind, Niall?” Liam asks softly.
He looks at Liam like he was caught by surprise so Harry stops chewing and looks at him.
“Oh? No, nothing. I’m fine, man.” Niall answers a little too rushed.
“I’m with Liam on this one, you seem off.” Louis agrees.
In other occasions Harry would tell Louis to fuck off and leave Niall alone, but suddenly his best friend’s cheeks turned red so Harry looks at Louis and frowns..
“It’s really nothing. I just met a guy a few weeks ago and he texted me this morning.” Niall finally admits.
“Ayye!” Both boys exclaim happily.
Niall rolls his eyes when Louis gets up from his chair and goes to mess up his hair. In a matter of seconds this Sunday morning no longer felt nice. And Harry doesn’t really understands why. It was just a dream and he shouldn’t be feeling this way about his best friend. He certainly shouldn’t be feeling jealous about the mention of someone else.
“That’s amazing, what’s the problem?” Liam asks as he tries to hide his smile behind his mug of coffee.
Harry looks at Niall who is looking at his plate again, like he’s ashamed.
“He’s nineteen.” Niall confesses.
Now Liam was the one almost choking and Louis was on the floor, overreacting and laughing his ass off.
“Where did you meet him?”
Harry finds his voice coming from somewhere deep in his chest, Niall looks at him with those beautiful blue eyes. Harry knew how beautiful Niall was before, they grew up together, they went through puberty together, he teared off the first hair on his chest and learned that facial hair only looked good on Niall before anyone else could ever ask Niall on a date.
“Buying your Christmas gift, actually.”
Great. I mean, Harry loves his gift, Anne and Gemma gave him a vinyl record player and they told Niall about it, so obviously he decided to get him some records.
“He was buying some for himself and apparently I seemed to be struggling, so he helped me decide which records to choose and then asked for my number. I didn’t know how old he was until I looked him up on facebook” Niall explains as a blush appears on his face. Again.
“Is he hot?” Louis asks with his eyebrow raised.
“He’s 19, Louis!” Liam exclaims.
“What?!” Louis grins, “He’s not a minor, Liam!”
“Barely,” Harry whispers under his breath.
They all turn to Harry. His pancakes were gone and he’s finishing his milk, trying not to look at Niall too much. This would be fun if it wasn’t for that stupid dream, he would be teasing Niall, asking the kid’s name, making him giggle, lighting up the room. But now he has a lump in the throat and he’s mad.
“Are you actually considering going out with this guy?”
And he knows he voice must’ve sound bad because Niall is looking at him in a way he never has before.
“Well, that’s not your call, Harry.” Niall says bluntly.
He’s leaning his head to his right like he is trying to understand where Harry is going, but Harry doesn’t know himself, either.
“You don’t know him. I was just telling you because we haven’t see each other properly in two months and I just wanted to have laugh. I never talk you guys about this kind of stuff.”
“Yeah, and why is that, Niall?” Harry answers in the same hard voice.
“Okay, Harry back off, it’s not funny anymore,” Louis hand appears on Harry’s chest, like he’s trying to physically make him stop talking.
“No, let him Louis. What do you wanna say?” Niall says daringly.
Niall is angry, his voice has gone deeper and he’s holding the fork really tight, to the point where his fingers have turned completely white.to turn his fingers from red to completely white.
“Are you really that desperate? To be willing to go for a 19-year-old kid?” Harry burts out.
The room goes silent and Harry regrets he said it the moment the words leave his mouth. Niall looks at him shook, frowns and then laughs, very loudly, but it isn’t one of his usual laughs, it isn’t light and joyful, this one is sharp and it doesn’t last long.
“Are you judging me?” Niall exclaims with a dirty look on his face. “You? Of all people?”
And now he’s standing in front of Harry, so Harry stands up too, looking right into Niall’s eyes. Ignoring his beating heart and showing no hesitation.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, I don’t know Haz. Maybe the fact that you know me better than anyone? Or that you’d have some nerve you judge me about stuff like this. I’m not the one who brings someone almost every night and sleeps with older people but whatever.” Niall hisses in anger.
“Okay Niall, maybe we should take a walk,” Liam says with a calm and steady voice as he approaches Niall and tries to back him away from Harry with a hand on his chest.
And Liam’s cute, he really is. Trying to get Niall out of the apartment to calm thing down, but the point to stop before saying something they both could regret is far gone. Neither of them is moving, neither of them is taking their eyes off eachother Not even when Harry feels warm everywhere and would rather lock himself in his room. He’s embarrassed, he always knew Niall doesn’t like that part of him, but he never thought he would use it against him.
“No, let him, Liam, obviously he has something to say,” Harry spits out.
And now Niall is really mad, his face is red and his hands form into tight fists.
“Yes, I have shit to say, Harry, tons actually. My room is next to yours so I have to sleep in the couch every time you bring someone! Even in finals for fuck’s sake!” Niall roars. “And you keep asking for advice but you keep on doing whatever you want anyway, Harry. And after, you’re crying in my room again or drinking too much wine and that hurts me, too!”
Harry doesn’t know what to say – mostly because he doesn’t understand what exactly is going on –. He opens his mouth but nothing is coming out. Niall is upseat and he throws punches at his chest until Harry’s back slams into the kitchen’s wall. And yes, his words hurt him but watching Niall being this mad because of something he did, that hits him like a truck.
“Niall…” Harry tries softly as he reaches out.
He was gonna touch his cheek but Niall takes a step back, looking anywhere but Harry.
“I’ll take that walk now, Liam.”
*
Harry doesn’t know how to apologize, at least not to Niall as he’s never had to before. They’ve never been mad at each other for this long and Niall would always forgive him without him having to say anything. It’s how they work, they’re a good team, they know how to operate around each other, what the other needed without asking, what would make them feel better when they’re down even if they’re trying to hide it. Niall knows him better than he knows himself and he thought he did too, obviously he was wrong. Harry screwed things up over the stupid dream that he hasn’t be able to get out his mind. And now it’s been a week since they’ve talked to each other.
The dream didn’t have to make things awkward. Niall has no idea what’s going on in Harry’s mind and he didn’t have to put up with his nonsense. So Harry is bringing sushi from that place he knows Niall loves, some beers and a good apology that was rehearsed in front of his mirror before he went to uni that morning. He knows Niall is home. Niall’s always home on Wednesday nights. So he clears his throat and opens the door.
“Niall, we need to talk. I brought sushi and some-” he starts but stops mid-sentence.
He freezes because Niall is in the living room, but he’s not alone. There’s a guy too, with a guitar in his lap just like Niall and they both stop playing when they hear him. The guy smiles and stands up. He’s tall, muscular and has a good hair.
“You must be Harry. Hi, I’m Shawn,” he says as he extends his hand to Harry.
But with the food in his hands and keys clutches in his fingers, Harry can’t take the hand - luckily - so Shawn slowly crosses his arms, without losing the annoying smile in his face.
“I didn’t know you started giving guitar lessons again,” he says, focusing only on Niall.
Niall stands up now, shaking his head as he is looking at the floor until he stands right next to this Shawn guy.
“I didn’t, he’s pretty good actually. We’re just hanging out,” Niall says with a pleased smile. “He’s the guy I talked you before.”
Harry’s eyebrows rise like he didn’t figure it out himself. Niall talks slowly, like trying to send some hidden message, something along the lines of “please, be nice”.
“Oh! You’re the 19 years old kid, nice to meet you,” Harry says bitterly
“Harry…,” Niall sighs.
But Harry interrupts him “And you’re American, what are you doing here?”
“I’m actually from Canada,” Shawn explains with a smile. “I’m taking a semester here.”
“Nice,” Harry says dryly.
He doesn’t know what else to say. No one does apparently because the next five minutes are spend looking at each other. Harry’s arms are getting tired of carrying the food but he isn’t going to leave. Shawn starts buzzing his feet and Niall clears his throat again.
“What are you doing here? I thought you had work,” Niall says to try to cut the tension.
“That’s why you’ve brought him here,” Harry thinks.
“Yeah but we need to talk, so I asked for the rest of the day off,” Harry says slyly.
“I should leave then,” Shawn says.
Harry nods and looks at Niall, but he’s reaching for the boy’s arm and stops him from taking another step.
“Wait, let me get my coat, we can go to the pub,” Niall says to Shawn.
“No Niall, we need to talk,” Harry pleads
Niall finally looks at him for the first time in a week. His eyes are cold, just like the rest of his face.
“It’s ok, I’ll call you,” Shawn offers to Niall.
He smiles again as he takes his guitar and his coat and leaves the place, leaving Harry and Niall standing in front of each other, without saying a word. Harry goes to the kitchen to put the food on the table. He hears Niall coming right behind him but he doesn’t turn to face him, he can’t. He’s mad and ashamed because he knows his mom would be so disappointed of him. He grabs some plates and glasses to serve the food.
“What the fuck was that?” Niall asks in anger.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Harry says.
“If this is you trying to fix things, you’re doing a shitty job,” Niall exclaims.
“Am I, Niall? I bought you sushi and ask for the rest of the night free so we can talk and maybe watch something in Netflix, but you sneak into the place with your date like you’re some kind of teenager.”
“So it’s only okay when you do it?! You’re being ridiculous. What’s gotten into you?”
“Nothing,” Harry tries to avoid the next conversation, as if it was even an option.
He turns to the fridge and leaves the beer there and pretends to look for something inside to avoid looking at Niall.
“It’s not nothing. What have I done to you? I barely date, you’re being unfair. Talk to me, Harry,” Niall pleads.
Of course, Niall wouldn’t let him.
“I don’t wanna talk. Eat the sushi, it’s your favorite. I have things to do,” Harry sighs.
Niall grabs his arm and presses his fingers in his coat, making him almost feeling it in his skin.
“You have nothing to do,” Niall hisses close to his neck. “Tell me what’s wrong!”
And Harry knows it is a bad idea, but it happens so fast he doesn’t really have the time to think it through. In just a second he turns around and holds Niall’s face in his hands and in the next moment, he’s kissing him. It’s nothing like his dream, it isn’t soft or slow and careful or even gentle, but it’s just as good.
Harry has been hungry, for almost a week and he couldn’t stop thinking about Niall’s lips. He knows he’s being rude, his hands are all over the place but Niall isn’t complaining, he’s holding onto his shirt, opening his mouth for Harry to take, letting those small whimpers leave his mouth. Harry bites his lips, discovering Niall’s mouth, feeling the skin of his cheek on the tip of his nose. They are so close, from his tights to his head, chest to chest not even air between them, and Harry swears he can feel Niall’s eyelashes on his cheek. He doesn’t know what he’s allowed to touch, so he puts one of his hands on Niall’s lower back and the other around his neck.
He’s angry and frustrated, but Niall is kissing him back in a way no one did before, it feels like he’s welcoming him home after years of being apart. He’s touching his hair so gently, almost like brushing it, his hand on his cheek is soft and when Harry opens his eyes just for a second, he sees Niall’s closed, his cheeks red and his hair a mess. Why is he kissing him back? Why isn’t he weird out? Why is him pulling his hair to put him closer? It’s a lot to take. The way Niall tastes, how he feels in his arms, how soft his skin is under the sweater, how itchy his beard is. How kissing Niall is one of the best things Harry has ever done.
So he starts kissing his neck, leaving a trail of red love bites from his mouth to his collarbone, making him moan in delight.
“Harry…” Niall gasps.
And it’s the best sound in the world until it feels like someone throws a pail of cold water on the top of him so he lets Niall go and looks into his eyes as if he’s seeing a ghost. Looking at him in the eyes like he was looking at a ghost. Niall’s eyes are wide open too, his cheeks red but not as red as his lips, his hair is a mess and his sweater almost opened up to his chest.
“I’m sorry. I have to go” Harry rushes out.
He takes his keys and leaves the apartment.
*
“What’s going on between you and Niall?” Harry looks up as he hears Louis’ voice ringing through the room. He goes to sit on the edge of Harry’s bed as Harry returns to his essay.
“Nothing” he says and it comes out rough. He realizes that he barely spoke these last few days. He clears his throat.
Louis rolls his eyes and slaps his legs, Harry yells a little “hey” and decides to sit with his legs crossed, putting the laptop on his laps, in case Louis is in the mood to hit Harry again.
“You two barely talked after you said that bullshit about him dating Shawn when they weren’t even dating. Now you wouldn’t even look at each other,” Louis starts.
“Are they dating now?” Harry asks eagerly, he didn’t mean to respond so fast but it just happened.
Louis smiles, like he knows a big secret no one else know. Harry’s face falls. He feels an oppression on his chest and a buzz in his ears.
“No, I just wanted to see your face,” Louis laughs which earns him a pillow in the face from Harry. “But he’s going to Niall’s performance at the bar, so if you don’t want a former teenager boy stealing your man, you better be ready in twenty,” he continues.
“Are you hearing yourself, Louis?” Harry huffs in disbelief.
Louis stands up in front of him, with his arms crossed and a straight face. Harry’s never seen him look so serious.
“Are you seeing yourself? Look at your room, it’s a mess. Almost like Niall is the one cleaning it up for you. It’s been almost a month. Liam and I are tired of it, it’s like we can’t make a sound in our house because of the tension,” Louis confronts him.
Harry closes his laptop and takes a deep breath. After Niall and Harry moved to London, five years ago, Louis was literally the first friend they both made in college, and even when Louis keeps saying he’s gonna find a place of his own after he finds a good stable job, they don’t want him to leave. He has been good to Harry, they used to party a lot those days, when Niall wasn’t feeling in the mood, especially when he broke up with Eleanor after years of relationship.
And it was nice of a time, they picked up girls, had fun and got wasted. But Louis stopped after Eleanor took him back.
“I’m gonna tell you something, but you can’t make fun of me,” Harry says and regrets his decision immediately.
But Louis is already paying attention. He sits down in front of Harry, their thighs touching and Louis looks him right into his eyes, nodding. So he tells him about the dream, leaving the fact that they were both naked apart, he doesn’t need to know that. He tells him about how he feels and about the kiss.
Louis slaps him in the head, hard, and starts to beat him up some more with his pillows. But he kind of deserve it so he lets him.
“You are such an asshole! Don’t you see Harry? You watched your fucking future and you let Niall hanging after give him what he always wanted?” Louis shouts at him.
“What?” Harry asks in confusion… What did Louis mean?
He opens his eyes like those cartoons and it would have been funny if he wasn’t this silence now.
“What are you talking about?” Harry asks, trying to understand what Louis is going on about.
He stands up to leave the bed but Harry kicks him in the knees so he falls in the center of the bed.
“I can’t tell you, Harry but you need to fix this. You need to talk to Niall about how you’re feeling,” Louis explains.
“It could ruin everything, Louis. Look at us after a kiss,” Harry says sadly
“It wasn’t the kiss, it was you leaving him after the kiss. Now shower, we have to see our boy.”
*
When they arrive Niall is already playing, but he is not alone. Shawn is right next to him, singing and playing while Harry stands in the center of the bar watching them. Louis pats his back to take him to a table and then leaves him to get them some drinks.
The thing is, when they finished high school they wanted to make a band, sell records, sing for thousands of people, and travel the world. And they tried for the first two years of uni. Until real life happened and they realized they had to focus on their studies instead of fooling around pretending to be rockstars.
But now seeing at Niall singing next to Shawn with his eyes closed, harmonizing, laughing, and smiling. It makes him wonder that maybe they didn’t both decide that it wasn’t worth it, maybe it was just him and Niall had to take the same road because they made a pact. It was the two of them or none of them. Harry feels sick to his stomach thinking that Niall couldn’t make his dreams come true because of him.
He’s biting his lip when Louis gives him a beer and sits down next to him, telling him that Liam will be there soon. But Harry is barely listening, he can’t take his eyes off Niall. He looks stunning under that light with his guitar between his arms and that smile on his mouth every time the people cheer him up. That is his place. He is born for it and Harry took it from him.
Liam sits on his right side after two songs and starts talking to Louis, and they are on the third round while Harry still has the first bottle on his hands, just half of it gone. He’s too focused on the man on the stage to even think about drinking. They finish the last song and the people are clapping, they clearly love them. Niall pulls Shawn in for a hug on stage. Their shirts a drenched in sweat and cling together as the last song was an upbeat one and involved a lot of jumping around. Harry had recognized the song immediately after the first notes, it was a song he wrote with Niall when they were just twenty. It’s a good song, a fun song and they used to love singing it together. Harry quickly looks and Liam and tries to get into the conversation.
“Hey! Here they are!” Louis shouts over the music as soon as Niall and Shawn are in sight.
Louis is loud, he has always been but Harry wishes he could be quiet just for this once.
“You were amazing guys” Liam, on the other hand, is kind and quiet when he has to be.
“Thanks mate!” Shawn says happily.
Harry scoffs, he doesn’t really know why but this kid is already trying to get an English accent and it’s pissing him off. He looks up and he has everyone’s eyes on him, except Niall’s.
“You played On My Own,” Harry says barely in a whisper.
“Yeah, it’s my song,” Niall answers dryly.
“I thought it was our song” Harry replies.
And now Niall’s looking at him, and he seems sad after having so much fun, so Harry finishes the beer in one go. It has gotten warm and he wants to make the taste of it disappear. Maybe he can try kissing Niall.
“Ok, let’s go to the pub!” Louis exclaims, completely ignoring Harry and Niall’s conversation.
Louis saves the night, but Harry can’t ignore Shawn’s hand on Niall’s lower back when they’re leaving.
*
Harry’s drinking. I mean, why wouldn’t he? He may be in love with his best friend who’s currently dancing with a 19 years old since they stepped into the damn pub. He knows it’s creepy but he can’t take his eyes off them. The way Shawn’s touching his waist and how he can hear Niall’s laugh all the way from there for something Shawn said in his ear.
Niall’s hot. He always knew that, but under this light, with his shirt almost completely unbuttoned, those tight jeans and his hair wet. He looks incredible, and Harry’s mad. Horny but mostly mad, and maybe a little drunk.
“You’re not doing what we said you were gonna do,” someone says onto his ear.
Harry rolls his eyes and turns to see Louis drinking his own beer. He does the same and clears his throat.
“Not my fault. Niall is too busy,” he said before taking another sip of the beer.
“Now you’re being childish,” Louis says dryly.
Whatever.
“Go talk to him” Louis insists.
“Don’t you have a girlfriend or something?” Harry growls.
“Yes, and she’s coming because I miss her.”
He’s smiling big and with all his teeth, and Harry wants to punch him in the face, so he looks at Niall and wants to punch Shawn instead. Yeah, maybe he’s being a bit childish.
“Go, I’ll hold your beer,” Louis offers.
He wants to say no, as he holds on tightly to the glass, he needs it to do this, but Louis takes it from his hand and pushes him to the dance floor if people keep calling it that. Harry doesn’t like the lights or the music but Niall not talking to him is way worse, so he keeps walking and thanks all the Gods when Shawn says something in Niall’s ear and goes to get some drinks.
Harry steps in front of Niall, watching him roll his eyes before turning around, but he pulls him to his chest and rests his hands on Niall’s waist.
“C’mon on, dance with me,” Harry whispers softly.
He doesn’t say a word, but rests his head on Harry’s chest and his hands around his shoulders. Harry doesn’t know what song is playing, he doesn’t care, this is the closest they have been in a month and it hurts every part of his body. They don’t talk for a bit. They are just moving and breathing slowly, until he feels Niall sigh and pull away.
“I’m sorry” he whispers in Niall’s ear.
He stops and looks at Harry.
“For what?”
“For everything, for being an asshole to you and Shawn, for leaving the apartment after, you know,” Harry tries.
Niall laughs and tries to pull away by pushing Harry, but Harry just hugs him closer, his front on his chest, breathing him in.
“You can’t even say it,” Niall says softly, barely hearable but Harry heard it anyway and it almost, breaks his heart.
“After I kissed you,” He finally speaks up.
“I kissed you too,” Niall says hopeful.
Harry smiles and nods. He kisses his cheek, it’s soft and smells nice.
“Why did you do it?” Niall asks in curiosity.
He sighs now, bites his lip and gives him another kiss.
“Because I can’t stop thinking about you,” Harry confesses softly.
Niall holds him closer and Harry swears he can feel him smile with his lips on his cheek.
“What you mean by that?” Niall asks.
Harry feels him drawing lines on his arms and smiles. They are okay now, right? Niall isn’t angry with him anymore, right? He doesn’t need that Shawn guy hanging around.
“I had a dream and everything changed, Ni,” Harry admits finally.
Niall frowns and pulls away enough to look Harry in the eyes.
“A dream?” He asks in confusion.
“Yeah, we were together and happy and you loved me and…”
Niall’s no longer in his arms and Harry blinks a couple of times to get his sight used to the lights again. He finds Niall in front of him, with his arms crossed and his red cheeks, looking at him like it was something hard to do.
“What’s wrong?” Harry doesn’t understand what has changed.
“Let me just ask you one thing,” he says and Harry nods, trying to touch Niall, to get him closer, but he steps back and Harry stays put, suddenly all the alcohol leave his body “If you never had that dream, would you look at me differently?” Niall asks.
Harry opens his mouth, not knowing what to say. He would, right? He was shook when he woke up but after that it all made sense, he would have noticed in some point. Niall smiles but is a sad smile, with no rosy cheeks or sparkling eyes.
“That’s what I thought”
And then he’s gone and Harry doesn’t know what to do or what to say.
So he takes a stranger home, but it didn’t matter, Niall didn’t get home that night.
*
After that night they were barely in the same room with each other. Harry would spent two nights a week at the apartment and leave before Niall woke up. The place was never so clean yet so empty. It didn’t feel like home anymore and Harry couldn’t stop himself from thinking that everything was his fault. That stupid dream of his ruined everything they had built for the last 18 years.
He’s walking down the street. He can see his building in the next block but he’s walking slowly, counting his steps, dilating the moment to come. He misses Niall, more than anything at this point, he misses his face, his laugh, their quiet afternoons in front of the tv watching golf and the nights that followed when they would cook expending the groceries they got for the week. It’s hard no talk with your best friend when your mom and sister always ask for him when they call, it’s exhausting having to lie to them so he won’t have to ask Niall to say hi.
Harry wonders if Niall misses him too. He has to, right? They shared too much to not to. He has to miss Harry making his tea in the morning or turning the heat up when he’s too lazy to get up the couch, or Harry bringing ice cream after a long day of uni. He has to be checking his phone too, waiting for a text or a missed call. It can be just Harry.
It’s somewhere around 8 o’clock in the morning. He feels the huge hangover coming to kick his ass when he tries to open the door, it took a few tries but he finally did it. He takes his coat and his shoes off and walks into the kitchen for a glass of water. But when he gets there, he can’t take another step.
At the stove, frying bacon and maybe baking pancakes stands Shawn. Shirtless. Standing in his house like he’s some kind of new owner, like he knows the place like the palm of his hand, moving through the kitchen taking ingredients and bowls and opening the fridge. He must have made a sound because the kid turns around and smiles at him. Little shit.
“Oh, hey man! Haven’t seen you in a while. How you been? You want some pancakes?” Shawn says so happy and cheerfully that it makes Harry want to punch him in the face. Which is something because Harry is not a violent person.
“Where is he?” Harry asks impatiently.
Harry wants to vomit right in that moment. Shawn looks confused, like he actually doesn’t understand what he’s talking about. Harry doesn’t want to repeat himself. He knows it isn’t fair, but the idea of Niall with someone else makes him wanting to tear everything apart. Starting with the face in front of him. The kid is big, but not as big as Harry.
“Niall? He’s still sleeping, I think” Shawn finally answers like he’s just telling him the weather.
Harry has to bite his own tongue to stop himself from saying something stupid that would only make things worse. But he’s tired, and sad, and in love with his best friend and in that very moment the only thing he wants to do is kick this guy out and go to Niall’s bed and sleep with him until 3 p.m.
So he walks to Niall’s room and opens the door. Niall’s lying in his bed on his stomach, his back at sigh and the sunlight catches the spots Harry’s dying to touch right now. His plan was to scream, ask him why the hell Shawn is in his house half naked cooking in his kitchen, but looking at him like that, with his lips open and his eyes closed, his rosy cheeks and his messy hair, so peaceful and pretty. All the rage has drained from his body.
So he approachs the bed slowly and gets into the sheet. He thanks all the gods when he sees Niall still got his pants. He holds Niall close to him, interweaved his arms on his waist, back to chest, his lips on his back neck.
“Make him leave, Niall. Kick him out” Harry whispers softly and slowly, like drawing his words on Niall’s skin.
“Mhm?” Niall hums.
Harry keeps dropping little kisses on Niall’s shoulders until he reaches his cheek and he kisses that too.
“Tell him to go away” Harry repeats.
“Shh Harry, let me sleep,” Niall answers sleepily.
“I love you, Niall” Harry whispers but nothing comes back in return.
Niall interlocks their fingers, making Harry smile and letting the pain in his chest and all his worries leave his body through a sigh.
“Am I dreaming?” the boy in his arms asks, like he’s afraid of the answer.
Harry laughs.
“No,” he says with a confused smile on his face.
Then everything goes silence, even the movements in the kitchen have stopped.
“Just to you know, I slept on the couch. Apparently it was movie night last night, the guys were here and they didn’t let me leave and it was pretty late so…,” A voice comes into the room.
Harry looks at the door and finds Shawn there with a shirt on and that big smile that never seems to leave his face.
“You have to get your head out of your ass, though,” Shawn says before he leaves the room.
He nods, he knows that already. He holds Niall closer as he hears Shawn closing the door.
*
They aren’t talking but at least they are in the same table, eating Shawn’s food together. Harry hates the fact that Niall isn’t comfortable around him anymore. He hates the fact that no one dare to be the one who speaks first and breaks the silence. He hates it more that he didn’t want to be the one.
“I miss you,” Harry finally gives up.
Niall nods and bites his bottom lip. “I miss you too” he answers.
“This is dumb. Why are we mad at each other?” Harry sighs.
“If you think it’s dumb, that’s one of the reasons I’m mad at you” Niall replies.
“What’s going on here Niall?” Harry just wants answers, he just needs Niall to tell him what to do like he always does.
He looks him in the eyes. Gives him a little smile and returns to his plate, eating what is left of the bacon and the pancakes, drinking his tea and maybe thinking of what to say.
“You just said you love me, Harry, but I’ve been in love with you since I was 16. You waking up someday feeling like loving me could break my heart in some many ways that would make it impossible to be fixed” Niall confesses.
Harry’s heart starts beating very fast.
He said 16? He’s been in love with him for 8 years now? He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He has so many questions, and so many regrets. How was he so blind? Why didn’t he say something? Maybe he did. Maybe you were too distracted to hear it.
“Let me make it up to you,” Harry finally gets out.
“Why don’t we start with breakfast?” Niall says with a small smile
Niall stands up and puts some more bacon on his empty plate.