Work Text:
—basorexia: the overwhelming desire to kiss.
The first time the thought crosses Stan’s mind, the four of them are in his house in the middle of a movie marathon. They're sitting on the couch really close so all of them can fit — barely considering that Cartman easily uses twice as much space as the rest of them, even if he tries to deny it.
At some point, and without thinking much about it, he turns his attention from the television to Kenny, who’s sitting at his right side between him and Cartman. He notices how the blond had pulled down his hoodie, exposing his mouth curved with amusement due to the film they were watching. Kenny laughs and Stan feels as if this were the first time he's seeing him. He notices how his whole face seems to light up when he smiles and how his eyes are bluer than the sky and how weird it was that he had never noticed how nice looking he finds his smile to be and—
He wonders, suddenly, how it would feel to press his lips against his; how it would be to kiss Kenny McCormick.
The thought appears so abruptly in his mind that it baffles him. Because it’s weird, too weird. Kenny is his friend, he has been his friend for as long as he can remember. So why would he be wondering about how it would be to kiss him?
He feels heat spread over his cheeks and he tries to turn his attention back to the television. But even then he can’t help but steal a glance at Kenny from time to time from the corner of his eye. Watching his ethereal features and his dry lips that, he thinks, must feel warm after being under his hoodie for so long.
He swallows hard.
Oh, shit.
[&]
The second time he thinks about it, they are playing basketball on a hot day of summer. They have decided to play in duos again; this time Cartman and Kyle against he and Kenny. Both teams are tied — even with the constant disagreements between Kyle and Cartman and their inability to work as a team. All because it has become impossible for Stan to concentrate in the game and not in the way Kenny’s sweaty t-shirt sticks to his body and— oh, great. Now he wants to puke.
He tries to keep it together the best he can until the game ends after a point scored by Kyle. Then he runs to the closest trash-can he finds and throws up. Once he finishes he sits down on the ground and cleans his mouth with the back of his hand, breathing heavily. He looks up after he hears someone clear their throat, to find Kenny staring at him with an expression between concern and disgust — even though it’s not like he has never seen him puke his guts out before.
“Is something wrong Stan? I think you threw up more than the last time I saw you drink at one of Bebe's parties.” He asks him and Stan could have laughed at the memory if he didn’t fear the nausea could return if he did so.
“N-no, I’m fine Kenny, it’s just that… eh,” he licks his lips, trying to find a good excuse. “Shelly has been trying to copy some of those ridiculous recipes from the internet and she forces me to try them for her. It’s nothing, really, I am sure I’ll feel better soon. Thanks” he clears his throat, trying his best not to blush, “for asking, anyways.”
Kenny shrugs, giving him a small smile. Stan’s heart stops beating for less than a second at the sight.
“It’s good to hear that,” he answers. “Not about Shelly, of course, my condolences to your stomach.”
This time Stan does laugh. “Thanks,” he repeats, rising to his feet. “Though it's a shame that we lost, I bet the Fat Ass will be talking about this for the rest of the week. Even if more than half of their points were made by Kyle.”
Kenny laughs now, and Stan feels something warm in the pit of his stomach. A feeling that this time doesn’t come with the urge to regurgitate whatever was left on his stomach —which is good, because that would be too suspicious. They go back with their friends and, just as Stan had predicted, Cartman is quick to start to show off his victory, much to their annoyance. Stan doesn’t pay him much attention though; too busy recalling again and again what had happened less than two minutes ago, thinking about the summer-laugh of Kenny and the way he had looked so concern for him and—
Oh, he really wants to kiss him.
He doesn’t do it, of course . He doesn’t let himself get carried away by that dumb outburst. And not only because he's overly conscious of the presence of his two other friends, or because his mouth has to smell really bad right now. But also because the truth is that the idea of kissing Kenny terrifies him as much as it excites him. He fears the consequences that it could bring to their friendship. The reaction that Kenny could have if he did something like that out of the blue. Because, okay, he knows that Kenny has always been really open about his sexuality and that kind of stuff. And that since they have started high school he has been with both girls and guys— sometimes even at the same time. But this— but this is different .
He gets lost in his thoughts, not noticing that the others are about to leave until Kyle calls his name. Stan reaches them and tells them that he had gotten distracted, that it wasn’t anything important. Because it really isn’t. It’s nothing more than a stupid little crush. He would probably forget it soon enough.
Yes, he is sure he will.
(Even if he swears he is able to feel Kenny’s eyes on him on the way to their respective homes and how it makes him like his heart's about to escape through his mouth, maybe a little bit too literally speaking.)
[&]
The third time he thinks about kissing Kenny, they are in his house, like the first time it happened. By petition of Kenny they had decided to meet there and study some of the equations from their last chemistry class. (It seems like, once you grow up, all the teachers start to add formulas and mathematical operations to anything they can. They could almost start to miss Garrison’s classes— almost). Normally they would have asked Kyle for help, but he was still mad for the last time he had tried to tutor them and neither of them wanted to awaken his Jersey Boy anger. So they decided that it would be for the best if it was just the two of them this time. Just the two of them. Together. Alone. In Stan’s house. In Stan’s room .
And of course he isn’t nervous about that, of course no. Nope. What do you take him for?
The fact that he had spent all morning trying to make the place look as presentable as possible was a total coincidence.
Or that he almost trips over his own feet when he goes to open the door as soon as the doorbell rings, announcing the arrival of his blond friend.
“Hey Kenny,” he greets him immediately. Maybe a little more enthusiastic than he should be, considering that they are supposed to be spending the rest of their day drowning in chemical elements whose names they can’t even pronounce.
Kenny’s eyes light up a bit when he sees him and Stan swears he must be smiling under his hoodie. He's carrying his old backpack on one shoulder (Stan is sure that he hasn’t changed it since pre-school) and it doesn’t take long for Stan to realize that Kenny hadn't come alone. Behind him, shyly poking out her head, is a girl a couple of years younger than them who he recognizes as Karen; Kenny’s little sister.
He blinks twice.
“Hi, Stan,” Kenny answers, gesturing to his sister so she would stop hiding. “I hope you don’t mind that I brought her here; Kevin had extra hours at his work and I didn’t want to leave her alone at home. Mom and dad… they are not at their best moment.” He explains and Stan sees the way the girl looks down at her feet. He can’t blame her. Not when he has witnessed firsthand what Kenny means by saying that their parents weren't at their best moment.
“I don’t mind, don’t worry,” he assures, smiling to the younger girl, as if he wants to show he is being honest. “Besides, I am pretty sure that my dog Sparky would enjoy having some company while we study. If you’d like that.” he offers, getting an immediate reaction from Karen, who raises her face with bright eyes and nods enthusiastically.
Stan’s smile widens a bit. He can’t help but think about how similar Karen’s eyes are to Kenny’s, who looks at him with a grateful expression. He invites them to come inside and once they are in his bedroom, he and Kenny settle around his desk with their open notebooks laying on top of it; while Karen plays with good old Sparky on the fluffy carpet of the room.
Before Stan could start to write the first exercises, he feels Kenny touch his arm with his pencil to get his attention.
“Hey,” Kenny mutters when he turns to see him. “I wanted to thank you for, well, not having problems with her staying here and all that.”
Stan shrugs again, trying to act casual even when he can already feel his cheeks blush, just a little bit. The thing is that Kenny is looking at him in such a way— like if just for letting Karen stay with them he had given him the entire world or something. And it could easily be like that, at least for him. After all he knows that Karen is one of the most important people for Kenny, that he cares very deeply about her wellbeing. And that’s something quite admirable and almost enviable for someone like him who has a terrible relationship with his own sister. The point is that it isn’t an expression that he has seen on him a lot. And the fact that he is directing it exclusively at him is, well…
“I am serious, it’s nothing,” he chuckles awkwardly.
He keeps trying to not make a big deal about it, but that doesn’t stop Kenny from staring at him with that soft expression on his eyes. They stay in silence, in that same position, staring at each other. Anyone who happened to see them (like Karen) could think that they were in a staring contest or something like that.
Stan starts to feel a little bit too self-conscious about how close they are sitting next to each other, their arms bumping for the little space they have. Why did he decide to study in his room and not in the kitchen or in any other place? Then he would at least have some personal space.
Honestly it’s not only that what makes him anxious, but also the realization of how easy it would be to lean into Kenny at that very moment and solve all his doubts once and for all. To discover if Kenny’s lips would feel as nice as he thinks they would and if Kenny would kiss him back or push him away. He really hopes that— wishes that— if it happened, Kenny would choose the former. That he wouldn’t reject him; that he wouldn’t get mad. That he wouldn’t break his heart.
(He is tired of living with a broken heart.)
He wants to kiss him. To kiss him and tell him that maybe what he feels for him is already beyond the phase of “just a stupid little crush”. He wants to kiss him and he wants Kenny to kiss him back and— and.
He doesn’t do it. Because he doesn’t think that it would be appropriate to kiss Kenny for the first time with his little sister in the same room, or at least that's what he tells himself.
(The truth is that he feels like a coward.)
They spend the rest of the day working on their homework, trying to help each other understand it. And if Kenny leans into him a bit more than what he needs to or brushes his hand while asking him a question; Stan blames it all on his own imagination, playing him a bad joke.
[&]
So, here is the thing:
Stan likes Kenny. He can’t deny it anymore.
And he wants to kiss him. He wants to kiss him so much it's ridiculous.
It becomes harder for him to hide his growing feelings, even more considering that he sees Kenny daily. It’s a miracle that he has managed to not puke on him or stolen a kiss from him; he can’t decide which one would be worse. He can’t even remember if he had felt so desperate when he was crushing on Wendy.
It is exhausting.
He sighs while he rolls over his bed, hiding his head under the sheets. If he keeps thinking about it he’ll end up staying up all night and showing up in next day’s classes with eye bags that could compete against the ones he had when he used to hang out with the Goth Kids. And, even though he is tired as hell, he just can’t sleep. He groans in frustration.
Suddenly he hears someone bang on his bedroom window and he falls from his bed due to the surprise. The sound is followed by a laugh easy for him to identify. Stan stands up, walking to the window and opening the curtains. He finds Kenny sitting on a tree branch, his orange parka open over a worn white t-shirt and an old pair of pajama pants. He has the hood of his parka on and it's so dark outside that Stan is only able to see his eyes and a bit of messy bed hair. Stan sighs again, too tired to feel embarrassed right now. He opens the window and sticks his head out, feeling the wind hit his face.
“Hey,” Kenny says casually, as if he isn’t in front of a second floor window at two in the morning.
“Hey,” Stan repeats. “What are you doing here?”
“I was just passing by,” he answers, not looking at him in the face.
“Passing by? Dude, it's too late, you should be sleeping,” Stan replies, before noticing how nervous Kenny was. “Kenny are you ok?”
He doesn’t answer immediately and Stan doesn’t rush him. Kenny ends up sighing, looking at him instead of avoiding him.
“I needed help,” he admits. “Can I come in?”
Stan stares at him before he finally reacts, stepping aside and opening his window a bit more, and, as if he had done it a lot of times before, Kenny easily enters the room through the window.
“Thanks,” Kenny mumbles, taking off his hoodie after hesitating for a moment.
Stan's jaw drops once he gets a better look of Kenny’s face and of the ugly bruise around his eye.
“What happened to you?” he asks, trying to keep his voice low. And then he feels like a fool, because the answer to his question is quite obvious.
“This? It’s nothing, really. Dad was acting like an idiot and we had an argument. He… he found out that I was saving money to help Karen buy her school supplies and he got angry." He explains, like it was nothing, like this is something he's used to. “It doesn’t even hurt, honestly. I just didn’t want to have to spend the night there. Do you mind if I stay here?”
“Of course you can stay,” he reassures him. “J-just let me go bring some ice, okay? Let’s see if we can do something about that bruise.”
Kenny doesn’t try to stop him and Stan goes down to the kitchen in the quietest way he can. A part of him can’t help but find it a little bit weird the fact that Kenny had decided to go to his house, when Kyle was the one who lived closer to him and he wouldn’t mind letting him spend the night either. And he can’t help but feel nervous at the idea of having Kenny in his bedroom at such a time. Especially considering that no less than some minutes ago he had been lying awake on his bed, thinking about how much he wanted to kiss him.
He goes back to his room with a small ice pack and finds Kenny sitting on his bed, waiting for him. He had taken his parka off, leaving it across one side of the bed, not that Stan minded. Instead of giving him the ice pack he takes the liberty to sit beside him and press it softly against Kenny’s black eye, startling him for the temperature change and his sudden action.
“I can do it myself, you know?” Kenny comments, but he doesn’t try to push him away or take the ice pack from his hands; like if deep down he appreciated to see Stan acting so concerned about him.
“I know,” Stan replies, and the ghost of a smile appears on Kenny’s features, a smile that leaves Stan breathless.
Because even in the middle of the darkness of the night, with a black eye and his hair messed up due to his hood; Kenny manages to shine. It’s as if his skin and his whole being were made of gold. The mere idea sounds ironic, but Stan likes it. He likes it a lot.
He hardly notices when he moves the ice pack away from Kenny’s face and, leaning his body towards him, ends up closing the distance between their mouths. It’s precipitated, it’s a disaster. More than a kiss it’s like their lips clash against each other's with no delicacy. Especially when Stan reacts and abruptly moves away from him, ready to start to apologize to Kenny. The last thing he expects is for Kenny to grab him from the neck of his pajama and pull him close, bringing their lips together once again and— oh.
Kenny’s lips feel warm against his, but it's not a bad sensation. It contrasts in a curious way with how cold his hands feel against his cheeks, cupping his face to prevent him from moving away again. Kenny kisses him as if he had been holding back from doing it too, and Stan wonders if it is like that, if he really had been holding back all this time. If that was the case, then he feels stupid for not noticing before. However, he decides to set those thoughts aside for once and put his total attention on Kenny’s body pressed against his, on Kenny's tongue tickling his lower lip, on his heart beating hard against his ears.
He finds out that kissing Kenny is just like he had imagined it would be and, at the same time, it exceeds all his expectations. They move against each other’s mouth, trying to taste every part of it during those eternal seconds before they have to break the kiss to catch their breath.
They look at each other, and they are a mess of heavy breathing and big smiles. Stan is about to say something, when he feels his hands wet and realizes that the ice that he had brought had begun to melt. He makes a face and Kenny giggles.
“Should I bring a new one?” he suggests, even though that is the last thing he wants to talk about right now.
“No, I think we should go to bed already.” Kenny replies and he barely manages to contain his laughter at Stan’s expression. “I mean we should go to sleep, Stanny. Not that I wouldn’t like whatever you have in mind. But I am so tired that I don’t think I could stay awake more than another two minutes.” He yawns like to prove his point, stretching his back like a cat, a gesture that Stan finds really adorable.
Stan throws the ice pack in the trash can. Meanwhile Kenny takes possession of half of the bed and all of his pillows. Not that Stan minds it at all when Kenny welcomes him with open arms and starts to kiss him again as soon as Stan lies down at his side. This time the kisses are soft and short, and they not only kiss each other's mouths but their cheeks and nose too, until they both feel their lips numb and are so tired that they fall asleep right there, on each other’s arms.
And Stan swears that he hadn’t slept so well in weeks.
[&]
The next morning Kenny is still by his side, and they are a mess of legs and arms entangled to each other. Stan invites him to stay for breakfast, but Kenny excuses himself saying that he has to go back to his house to help Karen get ready for school. He says goodbye with a flirty smile, telling him that he would see him later at the bus stop, like every day. Stan watches him leave and he feels a lump on his throat. He even wonders if there was a possibility he had dreamed what had happened the night before. Even though he knows that’s impossible.
Some minutes later he finds himself at the bus stop. Kyle and Cartman arrive soon after him, but he barely notices their presence, too lost in the doubts that have abruptly taken over his mind. Kenny and him had kissed, that did happen. But, who can assure him that Kenny doesn’t regret it? Or that since the beginning those kisses hadn’t meant for Kenny what they had meant for him? Maybe Kenny would show up and act as if nothing had happened. Maybe—
“Hey,” he hears Kenny’s voice so close that it makes him jump for surprise. Stan turns to see Kenny standing by his side.
In the background he can hear Kyle saying hello to the blond and Cartman making a comment that he fails to understand. Probably something stupid since Kyle starts to scold him for it. He doesn’t care.
Kenny doesn’t seem to care either. He keeps watching him with a smile and a raised eyebrow. His eye doesn’t look as swelled as it did last night, he notices. But there is still a bruise around it, contrasting against his paler skin.
Stan starts to feel embarrassed by what he had been thinking about what had happened between them. Kenny’s smile widens a bit, as if he had read his mind or something like that. And then he closes any distance between their faces and kisses him. Stan kisses him back, throwing away all the doubts, feeling ridiculous for having thought about them in the first place. He clings to Kenny’s parka as if his life depended on it.
He can hear Kyle gasp in the background, as well as Cartman starting to shout about how they were going to start fucking right in front of his poor eyes. But neither of those things discourages them, rather the opposite.
They break the kiss the moment the school bus arrives. Their friends get on the bus immediately, still astounded by what had happened. But he and Kenny stay behind for a moment, sharing a last look, holding each other’s hand in a loose, but honest and significant grip. Stan smiles at him one last time and
(it's as if in the universe there was no one else besides the boy with the golden-soul and the boy with eyes of night who loves him so so much.)
they get on the bus as they do every day, just another part of the routine. But this time it feels different. The feeling of Kenny’s earthy fingers against his makes it a lot better. That's for sure.